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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query meltdowns, shutdowns, and tantrums. Sort by date Show all posts
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Helping Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Children Cope with the Loss of a Parent

The main purpose of Memorial Day is for remembering the individuals who died while serving in our country's armed forces. Many children in the U.S. have lost a parent in recent times due to military conflict, and many of them also suffer with a developmental disorder, which complicates matters significantly. The focus of this post will be how to help these “special needs” children cope with grief...

When a family member dies, kids react differently than grown-ups. And, many children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) react differently than “typical” children (e.g., they may see death as temporary and reversible, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who die and come to life again). Adding to the youngster's shock and confusion at the death of a mother or father during time of war is the unavailability of other family members who may be so shaken by grief that they are unable to cope with the normal responsibility of tending to their “special needs” child.

The surviving parent should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a youngster is having difficulty coping with grief. Kids on the autism spectrum may express their grief and feelings differently, but their grief is still just as powerful. 
 

Below are 30 crucial tips for helping your AS or HFA child to cope with the loss of a parent (or other family members):

1. A youngster who is frightened about attending a Memorial Day service or visiting the gravesite should not be forced to go. But, honoring or remembering the deceased parent in some way (e.g., telling a story, saying a prayer, reviewing photographs, making a scrapbook, lighting a candle, etc.) may be helpful. “Special needs” kids should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own unique way – no matter how odd it may seem to others.

2. After a parent dies, some kids will act younger than they are. The youngster may temporarily become more babyish (e.g., demanding attention, talking baby talk, having bowl-movements in places other than the toilet, etc.). This is normal and usually temporary.

3. Avoid too much change at this confusing and distressing time.



4. Balance how much information is given regarding the parent’s death. Too much or too little information may make it difficult for the child to voice concerns or ask the right questions. 

5. Be advised that the child’s anger is often directed at the surviving parent who shared the news of the death. Anger may also be apparent when activities that were previously provided by the deceased parent are no longer available.

6. Be open and honest. Use appropriate words such as “dead” and “death,” and avoid euphemisms.

7. Be patient, because the same questions may be asked over and over again.

8. Be prepared for the possibility that the grieving process of children on the autism spectrum may be profoundly affected by their disorder.

9. Continue routines, keep decision-making to a minimum, and encourage connections with friends, classmates, and other family members.

10. Discuss with your youngster that, with the grieving process, it is common to get headaches, feel numb, ask many questions, worry, blame oneself, etc.  Also, remind your child that he or she needs social support and help, someone to talk to and a place to remember. 
 

11. Don’t exclude your youngster from helpful rituals of death, which will help him or her understand someone important in his or her life has died.  Kids on the autism spectrum need more concrete rituals, explicit directions, and simplified activities.

12. During the weeks following the death, it is normal for some kids to persist in the belief that their parent is still alive. But, long-term denial of the death can be emotionally unhealthy and can later lead to severe behavioral problems.

13. Each child with AS or HFA will react individually to bereavement, so the approach to support needs to be as unique as the child.

14. Encourage the grieving youngster to wear an article of clothing that may be a linking or comfort object to the parent who is gone. Having a pillow or blanket made from the deceased parent’s clothes may help too.

15. Encourage your youngster to keep a “feelings diary” to help deal with all of his or her emotions.

16. Help your child create a grief vocabulary (e.g., sorrow, sadness, heartache, etc.). Children who lack a grief vocabulary to talk about emotions tend to express their feelings through their behavior.

17. If possible, allow your youngster to say goodbye and see the body of the parent who died. Research shows that when kids see the body, they show less behavioral acting-out in the future.

18. Light a candle on special days (e.g., Christmas) and share memories.

19. Listen to the deceased parent’s favorite music.

20. Look together at photographs of the parent who has died and share memories.

21. Make a book about the parent who died.

22. Make a memory box, and allow your youngster to choose what memories go inside.
 

23. Once kids accept the death of a parent, they are likely to display feelings of sadness on-and-off over a long period of time (often at unexpected moments). The surviving parent should spend as much time as possible with the youngster, making it clear that he or she has permission to show emotions openly and freely.

24. Remember that some AS and HFA children won’t react to the parent’s death at first – or may react in a way that is different than you might expect.

25. Remember that most children on the autism spectrum tend to have a very limited number of close friends. Thus, experience of the death of a parent can feel like a catastrophic loss, and the idea of re-investing in other people is very difficult.

26. Remember that returning to school after a loss can be very stressful. Some kids worry about their surviving parent at home alone.

27. Some kids may believe they are the cause of their parent’s death. For example, one boy with Asperger’s believed his father was killed because he had once been angry at his father and wished he would die. Subsequent to the father being killed in battle, the son felt guilty and blamed himself because “the wish came true.”

28. The parent who has died was essential to the stability of your youngster's world, thus anger is a natural reaction. The anger may be revealed in a variety of ways (e.g., nightmares, aggressive play, bad temper, meltdowns, shutdowns, etc.). Often the youngster will show anger towards the surviving parent.

29. There is no way to generalize how each “special needs” youngster will experience loss through death, but such a loss can give rise to resistance to change, phobias, obsessions, lack of understanding and fears, which can be considered by others to be inappropriate reactions.  Kids on the autism spectrum depend on the security of familiarity. They often have difficulty finding words to express their feelings, which is why goodbye rituals are so important.

30. Try to anticipate your child’s reactions, listen and read cues, intervene, ask how he or she feels, talk about the deceased parent, and explain the normal grieving process. 

You will know when your “special needs” child is having serious problems with grief and loss because he or she will demonstrate a variety of behavioral symptoms that are very noticeable (e.g., withdrawal from friends, sharp drop in school performance, refusal to attend school, repeated statements of wanting to join his or her deceased parent “in heaven”, inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone, excessively imitating the deceased parent, depression, loss of interest in daily activities and events, and acting much younger for an extended period).

If the signs listed above persist, professional help is needed. A qualified mental health professional can help your youngster accept the death of a parent – and can assist you in helping your youngster through the mourning process.

When should you definitely refer to a professional? When your child:
  • threatens or talks of suicide (this is particularly difficult because many kids on the autism spectrum also suffer with depression and may generally have thoughts of self-harm)
  • denies that anyone has died, or acts as if nothing happened
  • becomes withdrawn and socially isolated
  • becomes unusually and persistently aggressive or engages in anti-social behavior

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
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Cognitive and Behavioral Inflexibility in Kids on the Spectrum

“Why are transitions so difficult for my autistic child (high functioning)? It’s impossible to get him to stop what he’s doing at the time without a huge row. What are some strategies which can help when moving from one thing to the next?”

One frequently observed feature of High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s is inflexibility in thought and behavior. Inflexibility seems to pervade so many areas of the lives of children on the autism spectrum. Novel situations often produce anxiety.

These kids may be uncomfortable with change in general, which can result in behavior that may be viewed as oppositional and can lead to emotional meltdowns. This general inflexibility is what parents and teachers often label as “rebellion.”



There are two types of inflexibility:
  1. Cognitive inflexibility occurs when the child is unable to consider alternatives to the current situation, alternative viewpoints, or innovative solutions to a problem. The child with inflexible thinking tends to view things in “either-or” terms (e.g., things are either right or wrong, good or bad). He or she wants concrete, black and white answers. The “gray areas” of life are very uncomfortable (e.g., the child often has an exact way of doing things with no variations). 
  2. Behavioral inflexibility refers to a child’s difficulty maintaining appropriate behavior in new and unfamiliar situations. Flexibility enables children to shift effortlessly from task to task in the classroom, from topic to topic in conversation, from one role to another in games, etc.

Children with HFA may have many fears in addition to those related to unexpected changes in schedules. Large groups of people and busy/noisy environments (e.g., school hallways, cafeterias, playgrounds, bus stations, etc.) tend to overwhelm children with HFA. They may also be overwhelmed by unexpected academic challenge or by having too many things to remember or too many tasks to perform.

They often have limited frustration-tolerance and may display tantrums when thwarted. Routines and rules are very important to kids with HFA in providing a sense of needed order and structure, and thus, predictability about the world.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Another form or inflexibility is moralism, a kind of self-righteous and strict adherence to nonnegotiable moral principles that is often out of context with practical reality. An example may be a youngster who criticizes a parent who has run a yellow traffic light when the parent is on the way to the emergency room for treatment of a severe injury.

Inflexibility is also found in the rigidity over matters that are of little consequence, such as arguing about whether the route to the emergency room was the quickest when it might be the difference between a few hundred yards by choosing to take one turn over another. In the classroom, this may be found when an HFA student fixates on a perception that a teacher has not enforced a rule consistently. Such fixations on moral correctness can escalate and interfere with availability for instruction.

Reasons for Inflexibility—
  1. Transitioning from one activity to another. This is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before the HFA child is finished with it.
  2. The need to engage in - or continue - a preferred activity (usually an obsessive action or fantasy). 
  3. The need to control a situation. 
  4. The need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity (often something difficult or undesirable). Often, if the child can’t be perfect, she does not want to engage in the activity.
  5. Other internal issues (e.g., sensory, inattention (ADHD), oppositional tendency (ODD), or other psychiatric issues may also be causes of behavior. 
  6. Lack of knowledge about how something is done. By not knowing how the world works with regard to specific situations and events, the child will act inappropriately instead. 
  7. Immediate gratification of a need. 
  8. Anxiety about a current or upcoming event (no matter how trivial it may appear to the parent or teacher). 
  9. A violation of a rule or ritual (i.e., changing something from the way it is “supposed” to be). When someone violates a rule, this may be unacceptable to the HFA youngster. 
  10. A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action.

Inflexibility is often the result of anxiety. The cause of anxiety in the HFA child has a lot to do with the fact that she does not have the ability to understand the world like “typical” kids do.

Because of the neuro-cognitive disorder, the child:
  • will have difficulty understanding rules of society
  • needs explicit instructions
  • does not understand social cues
  • does not understand implied directions
  • does not know how to “read between the lines”
  • does not “take in” what is going on around her

“Facts” are what kids with HFA learn and feel less anxious about. Since these “special needs” kids have a hard time with all the normal rules of society, having “rules” has a calming effect on them. They think, “This is the rule. I can handle it o.k.”

Facts also have to be from someone they think is an “expert” in their eyes. Teachers and doctors may have this leverage with them, but moms and dads are, for the most part, not considered “experts.”

Understanding what causes so much anxiety, tantrums, meltdowns, shutdowns, and out-of-control behavior helps parents to know where their HFA child is coming from, and with that, parents will be able to help their kids less stressed-out.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Parenting Strategies—

Here are some strategies for dealing with an inflexible-thinking youngster:

1. While helping your HFA child to deal with change, be prepared to weather the storm. There will be sadness, tears and tantrums – followed by parental guilt. It’s all part of the process. Remain calm, and accept your youngster for who and what she is.

2. Turn the “change” into an adventure. For example, turn “Are you ready to start a new school year” into “Wow, just think. You’ll get to see all your classmates again.” Since any change can seem frightening to children on the spectrum, the language you use can turn the change into a fun adventure. Changing the tone to one of excitement can make a world of difference in your child’s attitude.

3. Read articles and books about the change in question. Almost any change that your child is going through has been written about (e.g., new siblings, moving to a new neighborhood, starting a new school year, etc.). Go to the library and get as many books as you can on the topic and read together. Reading helps open the lines of communication to talk about the difficulties of the change that is coming.

4. Prepare your HFA youngster for what may happen – and be honest. Voice your plans in a reassuring tone. Explain to him in concrete terms where you will be going, or what may happen along the way, so that he is prepared well before and ready for the change. Also, answer your child’s questions, and tell him the truth (i.e., don’t sugar-coat the situation) so that trust develops. Many tantrums and meltdowns can be avoided, because you keep reminding him throughout the day of what’s going to happen. In this way, there are no unwanted surprises.

5. Many kids on the spectrum have difficulty with the concept of time. But, you can provide your child with simple strategies to measure time (e.g., use an alarm clock or kitchen timer for task transitions, clean up times, or evening rituals). Let your child place a calendar centrally, and help her keep track of important dates (e.g., birthdays, holidays, vacations, the first day of school, etc.). Signal your child verbally or set countdowns for when she must leave an activity that she is enjoying (e.g., “I’m going to turn off the computer in 10 minutes because we are getting close to lunch time”).





 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

6. Let your HFA youngster know of some changes in life YOU have undergone – and how you managed them. Your examples are a way of helping your child cope with change in the future. Relate to his situation. Tell stories about when you have had to weather the storms of change. Also, you can talk about what you might have done differently – something that could have facilitated a better outcome. Alternatively, you can talk about the changes within the other family members and how they changed with circumstances.

7. Kids on the autism spectrum love to follow a routine. Anything away from that worries them. They feel best when they are able to predict things. They feel safe when they know what is on the agenda for the day or what they have to do next. They want to know how other people are likely to behave or react, and what will happen from day to day. So, if you and your youngster are undergoing a significant period of change, try to keep most of his routine the same.

8. Help create sameness by repeating a similar “comfort phrase” (e.g., “Sometimes we have to change our plans, and we will be O.K. when that happens”). Use this exact phrase (or something similar) every time flexibility is needed. This helps to bring a sense of control and predictability during chaos. Your youngster will remember that you said that the last time a change was needed – and everything eventually turned out just fine.

9. Focus on just a few areas where flexibility is needed most. For example, if your youngster is constantly distressed when you’re out running errands, this is the place to start. If he is upset over having a babysitter, start there. If he won’t leave the grandparents’ house without a tantrum, focus on that issue.

10. Encourage your HFA youngster to explore and engage in new activities and interests. In this way, you help her cope with change that will come later in life. When she goes through various new experiences, it provides a fundamental base that strengthens her emotional muscles. It helps her feel good about herself and develops self-confidence.

11. Don’t unintentionally reward your youngster for acting-out due to an unwanted routine change. Uncontrolled anger warrants a predictable, swift consequence. Losing a particular privilege may be the best consequence for HFA children. Be firm. Don’t underestimate your youngster’s ability to manipulate you. Even severely autistic kids can be master manipulators.

12. Create behavior incentives using something that is the same each time (e.g., tokens, tickets, stickers, etc.). Let the sameness of the identical token be the familiar thing during the unfamiliar situation. You can also use marbles dropped into a jar (the smooth texture and “clicks” when they drop is satisfying to most autistic kids). For example, explain to your youngster, “When we leave the park today, if you don’t cry, you’ll get a marble to put in the jar when we get home.” Let her cash in the marbles for a reward at the end of the day.

13. Change itself can come quickly or slowly, but adjusting to the new state of affairs takes time. Make sure you give your youngster – and yourself – the luxury of having time to adjust. Try not to expect too much too soon. Some changes are easy to adjust to, others aren’t. Some HFA children adapt quickly to change, some don’t. As the parent, simply keep doing what you are doing, and know that most changes eventually leave everyone in better places than where they began.

14. Attempt to see things from your child’s point of view. Ask her how she perceives a particular change. A child who airs her misgivings about unwanted changes is more likely to cope better. Talk about the details of what will happen, where she will be, and what she will have to do. Doing so repeatedly helps your child feel prepared.

15. Lastly, always demonstrate love and appreciation when your child “tries” to accept a new situation with courage – even if he is unsuccessful. In other words, be sure to reward “effort” with acknowledgment and praise, regardless of whether or not the desired outcome occurred.

Treatment—

An effective treatment program for inflexibility and “insistence on sameness” actively engages the HFA youngster’s attention in highly structured activities, builds on his interests, offers a predictable schedule, provides regular reinforcement of behavior, and teaches tasks as a series of simple steps. This type of program generally includes the following:
  • specialized speech/language therapy to help kids who have trouble with the pragmatics of speech (i.e., the give-and-take of normal conversation)
  • social skills training, a form of group therapy that teaches HFA kids the skills they need to interact more successfully with their peers
  • parent-training and support to teach moms and dads behavioral techniques to use at home
  • occupational or physical therapy for kids with sensory integration problems or poor motor coordination
  • medication for co-existing conditions (e.g., depression and anxiety)
  • cognitive behavioral therapy, a type of “talk” therapy that can help the more explosive or anxious kids on the spectrum to manage their emotions better and cut back on obsessive interests and repetitive routines

In summary, due to the fact that change causes anxiety in young people with HFA, they will want to live by inflexible rules that they construct for themselves. One of their main rules goes something like this:  “My routine must NOT be disrupted, and involves X, Y and Z. Each time I can do X, Y and Z – in that order – my life has some predictability. When I don’t have this predictability, I feel anxious, which is a very painful emotion that needs to be avoided at all costs!”


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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Behavioral, Emotional, and Academic Challenges of Students with Asperger’s and HFA


Most young people diagnosed with Asperger’s and High-functioning Autism (HFA) have behavioral and emotional problems to one degree or another. These challenges are most often related to social skills deficits associated with the disorder (e.g., when the youngster fails to take his turn in a playground game, because he doesn't understand the social rules associated with it).

Social difficulties frequently involve feelings of anxiety, loss of control, and the inability to predict outcomes. As a result, kids on the autism spectrum usually have problems connected to their inability to function in a world they see as threatening and unpredictable.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism 

The child who feels generally fearful and confused will typically act-out these troubling emotions in rather destructive ways (e.g., tantrums, meltdowns, shutdowns, aggression, etc.). Thus, it is not uncommon for others to view the Asperger’s or HFA child as mean-spirited and malicious. This, of course, is not the case in most situations. When the “special needs” child experiences behavioral difficulties, his problems are most often associated with his defensive panic reaction, social incompetence, sensory sensitivities, or an obsessive interest in a particular topic.



Because children with Asperger’s and HFA tend to be cut off from their feelings, they obtain facts and information without understanding how those facts can be applied to real-life situations. Also, due to being detail-oriented, they often miss the overall picture and apply the same level of detail to every situation whether appropriate or not.

Parents usually have a great deal of concern about the behavior and social skills deficits of their Asperger’s or HFA youngster. They often report that their child has significant weaknesses in a variety of socially related areas, including overall behavior (e.g., conduct problems, aggression, hyperactivity, withdrawal from social interaction, etc.).

Conversely, teachers often perceive the Asperger’s or HFA student to have both fewer and less significant deficits than do parents (although some teachers do view the student to be "at-risk" in the areas of attention problems and anxiety). This disparity is often due to the fact that kids on the high-functioning end of autism “appear” to perform as well as neurotypical kids in most domains (with the exception of social competency). Therefore, many of the child’s symptoms related to the disorder that result in behavioral problems may be viewed as simple defiance and/or laziness on the part of teachers.

In many ways, students with Asperger’s and HFA are well qualified to benefit from general classroom experiences. They typically have average to above-average intellectual abilities, and better-than-average rote memory skills. However, many of them have learning disabilities and other significant problems in academic performance. The reasons for these problems often are related to the communication and social deficits related to their disorder.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism 

Additionally, even though the Asperger’s or HFA student is exceedingly gifted when it comes to comprehending factual material, he or she often experiences unique challenges that make it difficult to benefit from general education curricula and instructional systems without support and accommodations. For example:
  • concrete and literal thinking styles
  • difficulty in discerning relevant from irrelevant stimuli
  • inflexibility
  • difficulties in the areas of problem-solving and language-based critical thinking
  • trouble generalizing knowledge and skills
  • obsessive and narrowly defined interests
  • weakness in comprehending verbally presented information
  • poor organizational skills
  • difficulties in arriving at logical solutions to routine and real-life problems
  • poor problem-solving skills
  • difficulty attending to salient curricular cues 
  • difficulty in comprehending abstract materials (e.g., metaphors and idioms)
  • problems with understanding inferentially-based materials
  • problems in applying skills and knowledge to solve problems

Many teachers fail to recognize the special academic needs of students with Asperger’s and HFA, because they often give the impression that they understand more than they do. Furthermore, certain strengths of the disorder may actually mask the deficits (e.g., their ability to “word-call” without having the higher-order thinking and comprehension skills to understand what they read, parrot-like responses, seemingly advanced vocabulary, and their pedantic style).

Here’s additional information on the behavioral, emotional, and academic challenges of students with Asperger’s and HFA – and how parents and teachers can help:

 Reasons Why Your Asperger’s or HFA Child Gets So Stressed-Out at School

School-Work Problems in Children on the Autism Spectrum

Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum to “Fit-In” with Their Peer Group

Aggressive Children on the Autism Spectrum: Advice for Parents and Teachers

Students with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger’s: Crucial Strategies for Teachers

Anxiety-Based Absenteeism and School-Refusal in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Poor Academic Performance in Students on the Autism Spectrum



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Parenting Aspergers Children and Teens: Newsletter Archive


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