How do you effectively discipline a child with Aspergers?
Question
How do you discipline a child with Aspergers? Nothing I'm doing is working, and quite honestly, it seems to make matters worse as every attempt leads to a meltdown! Help!! I'm running out of options.
Answer
Unfortunately, I see a number of teachers saying, "It's a matter of discipline!" Well, sure. Certainly having Aspergers (high-functioning autism) is not a license to do whatever you want to do, and there must be natural consequences. But with the youngster with Aspergers, one must spend more time explaining what they did that was wrong, why it was wrong, what he is supposed to do instead, and how to know when he is supposed to do it.
Answer
Unfortunately, I see a number of teachers saying, "It's a matter of discipline!" Well, sure. Certainly having Aspergers (high-functioning autism) is not a license to do whatever you want to do, and there must be natural consequences. But with the youngster with Aspergers, one must spend more time explaining what they did that was wrong, why it was wrong, what he is supposed to do instead, and how to know when he is supposed to do it.
Quite often, when the youngster is very emotional and upset, it is not a good time to explain these things. When the Aspergers child has emotion – he does not have logic. Look at love. Love is never logical. The same goes with anger or distress. So, that may not be the time to explain consequences, etc.
You may need to deal with the situation when the Aspergers youngster is relaxed… possibly a couple of hours later. You can say, “Okay let's learn from this. Let's go through what happened.” Often what you find is a miscommunication or a misinterpretation by one or both parties. Both parties need to see the perspective of the other. But the time to do that may be when the Aspergers child is reasonable – not emotional. We do drawing, pictures and social stories… all these sorts of things to go through that process.
Often the Aspergers youngster won't follow the rules unless he sees a logical reason why, or if he sees a value to himself. And, if you talk about "people won't like you" - who cares? Or, "do it to please your teacher" - why should I please her? So what we have to use is a very concrete approach.
For example, “If you do this, this happens… If you do that, the other happens...” …and so on. But your explanation has to be very logical – almost like having a rule book. “There are consequences for what you do, and this is the logic.”
For example, “If you do this, this happens… If you do that, the other happens...” …and so on. But your explanation has to be very logical – almost like having a rule book. “There are consequences for what you do, and this is the logic.”
If you start getting into complicated personal relationships, you will never get your message across to the Aspergers child or teen. You have to be quite firm in the consequences with that child, but you do need to spend time explaining things.
For example, if you have an Aspergers child who has hurt his sister, you can say, "Say sorry" …and the Aspergers child says "sorry" …and as far as he is concerned, that's the end of it! But he also must do, or donate, something to his sister (e.g., tidy his sister's room or share a chocolate bar that he was going to have at lunch time). He could also make an apology card. The point being – he must actually do something tangible, rather than just "sorry," and that's it.
For example, if you have an Aspergers child who has hurt his sister, you can say, "Say sorry" …and the Aspergers child says "sorry" …and as far as he is concerned, that's the end of it! But he also must do, or donate, something to his sister (e.g., tidy his sister's room or share a chocolate bar that he was going to have at lunch time). He could also make an apology card. The point being – he must actually do something tangible, rather than just "sorry," and that's it.
My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers Children
Comments
Thank you for the resource you are providing. We live in a small town in Louisiana and have few local resources. After reading many books on Asperger's, I came to the conclusion that this is definitely our 10-year old son, Travis. We took him to an out-of-town psychologist who told me to stop reading "pop psychology books" and that our son scored 26 on the Autism scale and he did NOT have Asperger's. I think Travis is very smart on paper and can answer all the questions correctly when tested. However, real life is another story. It is blatantly obvious to me that I have an Asperger's child. He struggles socially. His two narrow interests are bugs and plants. He cannot make small talk with boys about sports or anything else. He talks INCESSANTLY, always always turning the conversation back to his topics and that gets old with other children! He is very bubbly and happy when allowed to pursue his interests. We homeschool and I allow him to do this as much as possible. He has grandiose ideas and often melts down when I cannot allow him to fulfill these ideas (building a 10ft+ butterfly house, etc). We struggle with getting school and chores done. Everyday he yells at me. Everyday he melts down usually several times. Often he hits me. I do feel as though I am treading on eggshells. I have read The Explosive Child by Dr. Green. The family ends up catering to Travis all day long in order to avoid meltdowns. At the same time, we are trying to teach him that it's not always "all about him". I am hoping to figure out some sort of balance here. Our 8 year-old daughter is very gentle and kind but even she has started to yell and hit him lately. I don't want him damaging his relationship with her. I just signed up for your Online Parent Support so have not listened /read any of your materials yet. I look forward to getting some helpful information. We love our son dearly and desire to help him as best we can.
He is often violent and when he is given a natural consequence as in if u hit me u when i tell you to get off the xbox then you dont get to pay xbox tommorow thats when things get ten times worse so id rather overlook all the infractions that need a disciplinary action than disciplin him and go into a three hour nightmare i know this is wrong its what i do to keep peace.
It is a LOT of talking and explaining, but it gets things done. I have also found that printing off checklists for him helps. Now when I tell him "clean your room", he has a list right by his light switch that he can look at and identify step 1: make bed. Step 2: pick up all clothes from floor. Step 3: pick up books. Step 4: pick up garbage. Step 5: put clean clothes away and dirty clothes in hamper. Now it's less overwhelming for him.
We do a great deal of pre-teaching also. one example being "R, it's Sunday. Today we're going to dress nicely and go to church. When we get to church, we'll take your brother to his class and you will come sit quietly and calmly next to me. Let's pack a coloring book and some crayons so that you don't get bored. Would you like to borrow my Bible so that you can follow along with the grown ups?"
This way, my son knows what to expect, and also knows what is expected of him. It also allows him some control over what he brings with.
We also use stickers, one for each thing done well. During the week, his stickers earn him technology time, which he desperately wants. The only rule to his earned time is that an adult must be in the room with him while he uses it.
This solution won't work for every family, but these are strategies that we employ regularly and they work for us.