HELP FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH ASPERGER'S & HIGH-FUNCTIONING AUTISM

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Parenting Aspergers Teens: Double Trouble?

Most experts do a great job of presenting the problems children with Aspergers (High Functioning Autism) face during their adolescent years, yet they offer few solutions. The years from twelve to seventeen may be the saddest and most difficult time for young people with Aspergers. This is not true of every adolescent with Aspergers. Some do extremely well. Their indifference to what others think makes them indifferent to the intense peer pressure of adolescence. They can flourish within their specialty, and become accomplished musicians, historians, mathematicians, etc.

"Aspie" adolescents typically become more isolated socially during a period when they crave friendships and inclusion more than ever. In the cruel world of middle and high school, Aspies often face rejection, isolation and bullying. Meanwhile, school becomes more demanding in a period when they have to compete for college placements. Issues of sexuality and a desire for independence from moms and dads create even more problems.

Here’s the scoop:

Criminal Activity— Pain, loneliness and despair can lead to problems with drugs, sex and alcohol. In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some Aspies fall into the wrong high school crowds. Adolescents who abuse substances will use the Aspie’s naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group. If cornered by a police officer, an Aspie usually does not have the skill to answer the officer’s questions appropriately. For example, if the officer says, “Do you know how fast you were driving?” an Aspie may reply bluntly, “Yes,” and thus appears to be a smart-aleck.

Depression and Acting Out— The teenage years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that an Aspie adolescent becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. Boys often act up by physically attacking a teacher or peer. They may experience “melt down” at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns, as the adolescent now has access to cars, drugs and alcohol. The “saddest and most difficult time” can overwhelm not only the Aspie adolescent, but also his family.

Inability to “Be an Adolescent”— An Aspie typically does not care about adolescent fads and clothing styles - concerns that obsess everyone else in their peer group. Aspies may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years. Boys forget to shave; girls don't comb their hair or follow fashion. Some Aspies remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies such as unicorns and Legos, instead of moving into adolescent concerns like MySpace and dating. Aspie boys often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.

School Failures— Many Aspies with their average to above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The Aspie student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations. Aspies with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials face similar academic problems as students with Attention Deficit Disorder. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the Aspie how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on an Aspie adolescent can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.

Sexual Issues— Aspie adolescents are not privy to street knowledge of sex and dating behaviors that other adolescents pick up naturally. This leaves them naive and clueless about sex. Boys can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An Aspie adolescent may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape.

Social Isolation— In the teenage world where everyone feels insecure, adolescents that appear different are voted off the island. Aspies often have odd mannerisms. One adolescent talks in a loud un-modulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many Aspies are too anxious to initiate social contact. Many Aspie adolescents are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teenage popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an Aspie, even though she wants it more than anything else. One girl ended a close friendship with this note: “Your expectations exhaust me. The phone calls, the girl talks, all your feelings...it's just too much for me. I can't take it anymore.”

How Moms and Dads Can Help Adolescents with Aspergers and High Functioning Autism—

Moms and dads of adolescents with Aspergers and HFA face many problems that others moms and dads do not. Time is running out for teaching their Aspie how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, “There's so little time, and so much left to do.” They face issues such as vocational training, teaching independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their child, if necessary.

Meanwhile, their immature Aspie is often indifferent or even hostile to these concerns. Once an Aspie enters the teen years, his moms and dads have to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all teenagers, he is harder to control and less likely to listen to his moms and dads. He may be tired of moms and dads nagging him to look people in their eyes, brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there.

Here is how thirteen-year-old Luke Jackson, author of Freaks, Geeks and Asperger, wrote about being an Asperger adolescent:

“’Are you listening to me?’ ‘Look at me when I am talking to you.’ AS kids, how familiar are those words? Don’t they just make you groan? (And that’s putting it politely!) ...When I look someone straight in the eye... the feeling is so uncomfortable that I cannot really describe it. First of all I feel as if their eyes are burning me and I really feel as if I am looking into the face of an alien.”

Here are some ways that moms and dads of adolescents with Aspergers deal with common issues:

Appearance— Because of their sensitivity to textures, Aspies often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms and dads is to find an adolescent of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person help you choose clothes that will enable your child to blend in with other adolescents. Insist that your adolescent practices good hygiene every day.

Driving— Most Aspies can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter - a trait that helps in driving. However, Aspies may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your child carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains Aspergers. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

Drugs and Alcohol— Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your child’s prescriptions, so you have to teach your child about these dangers. Since most Aspies are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

Life after High School— If your adolescent is college-bound, you have to prepare her for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show her where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach her how to handle everyday problems such as “Where do you buy deodorant?” “What if you oversleep and miss a class?” As you prepare your adolescent for the workforce, keep in mind that people with Aspergers often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, Aspies are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

School— If the pressure on your child to conform is too great, if she faces constant harassment and rejection, if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, it may be time to find another school. The adolescent years are often when many moms and dads decide it is in their child’s best interest to enter special education or a therapeutic boarding school. In a boarding school, professionals guide your child academically and socially on a twenty four hour basis. They do not allow boys to isolate themselves with video games - everyone has to participate in social activities. A counseling staff helps with college placements. If you decide to work within a public school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your child should have an Individual Education Plan and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for college board examinations. Teach your child to find a “safe place” at school where he can share emotions with a trusted professional. The safe place may be the offices of school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

Sex— You absolutely have to teach your adolescent with Aspergers about sex. You will not be able to “talk around” the issue: you will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your child to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your child may need remedial “sex education.” For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors and masturbate only in private.

Social Life— When she was little, you could arrange play dates for her. Now you have to teach her how to initiate contact with others. Teach her how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage her to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell her peers that she has Aspergers - let her do that herself. Many adolescents with Aspergers are enjoying each other's company through Internet chat rooms, forums and message boards.

Summer and Part-Time Jobs— Most of these jobs - movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc - involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for an adolescent with Aspergers. Some Aspies can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other adolescents have spent joyful summers at camps designed for adolescents like them.

My Aspergers Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Aspergers Teens

7 comments:

Edna Luz said...

OK...while all this information is helpful what do parents do when they've already gone through all those avenues? Residential homes are expensive...getting my 18 year old son to do anything is extremely challenging...he is definitely with the wrong crowd but am grateful he is not on drugs or alcohol as far ad I've seen and am able to tell....but it frightens me how he speaks with such obscene language and wishes me dead always...I don't want to throw a disabled teen in the street but I have an eight year old who also needs me...there's no help anywhere for me...

Anonymous said...

O.K. You don't want to kick him out - but you don't want to send him to residential. What DO you want?

Try "Launching Adult Children with Aspergers" ...an ebook by Mark Hutten. It helped in my situation, which wasn't much different than yours. I stopped complaining about my circumstances and did something about it.

Anonymous said...

My daughter doesn't think she has aspergers even when told by four docters,and a team of therapist. She read books on asperger and says this is not me. She has outbursts and tamper tamtrums as a teen and getting her out of it takes alot she screams why can I be like her sister who doesnt have aspie. what do we do when she gets out of control now? she is bigger and when she is in a level of no reasoning.

sherry said...

I have a 16 year old boy diagnosed with asbergers when he was 5 . My issue is that he is so angry . Any thing you ask of him becomes a complete battle . He is only happy when no one bothers him and he can do what ever he wants . Lately he has been lying , telling tall tales in school and completely obsessed with Mario cart . We had to take the wii system out of the house it was so bad . Then today I found out he has had a wii system he borrowed from a friend for over a month . He cares nothing for brushing his teeth or wearing clean clothes or even wanted to get out of bed for school . I'm completely physically and mental exhausted from this child I have no idea what to do anymore he has a therapist and has been on different medications with no help latley . I have 2 other children at home and it is so not fair for them . If anyone has some suggestions I would really appreciate it .

Anonymous said...

So I have a son who so wants to fit in with his peers but struggles with conversation that they are interested in. He sits on the sidelines mostly which makes me feel very sad. He has to be prompted for most aspects of his life, from taking a shower to changing his clothes etc. All he seems to want to do is play on his x-box or his laptop or mobile phone which he is obsessed with all these items. He loves films so he watches alot of tv, I try and encourage him to play outside so he just kicks a ball about in front of our house,he wont go to the local park with it. My boy is 15 half and I am very worried about his accademic levels. He is not accademic or hands on, he writes like a 6 year old, how am I suppose to get him ready for the big wide world when he doesnt take anything seriously, he just says as long as he's trying his best he cant do no more. He wants to go to college but he most likely will be ungraded and not be able to go. Then Im faced with stopping him from becoming inward as he doesnt go out with any friends as I said he struggles with social interaction. Would I be wasting my time getting him some extra tuition to get him ready for the exams next year before he leaves school? The school seem to think it would be a waste of time but I am desperate to help my son any way possible to help him develope and find his niche in life. Any suggestions anyone please?

Anonymous said...

As a teen with Aspergers, I can relate to this article. That's me alright; the adolescent that refuses to be your typical adolescent; no makeup, no hair styling, and no interest in fashion. Just routine and the few passions I'm trying to pursue and succeed in.

As for the "Sexual Issues": I think mainly the reason why a lot of us are so naive about sex, dating, and relationships is because...well, no one even bothers to try to talk about it with us. They just assume we can quickly learn it like your typical teenager. A lot of us don't, though, so we need our parent(s')/guardian(s') help.

I'm one of the more fortunate ones that learned about sex, STD's, and pregnancy by myself before I even tried it. I'm also lucky I learned about it vaguely in grades 5-8. Emphasis on the vaguely, mind you. I still wish that my mother could have sat me down and talked to me about relationships, sex and the rest, the second I had hit puberty. It would have helped me a lot :(

Anonymous said...

We are finding support for our 14 year old daughter limited. We respect how hard it is for her at school with all the pressures school brings by itself without adding Aspergers. She is so disrespectful, mean aggressive with us...we are so tired of the foul mouth and physical tantrums when we ask her to shower, go to school, etc. We admitted her to an impatient facility for 5 days and she was a model teen there but the same night she came home she exploded when we tried to incorporate the rules we all agreed to before her discharge. Things are now worse...our hearts are breaking as we love her so much but feel so lost and hopeless. The help for teens with Aspergers is limited where we live...but we are open to anything to help our family. Ideas?

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the Aspergers child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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How to Prevent Meltdowns in Aspergers Children

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and the Asperger’s child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Parenting Defiant Aspergers Teens

Although Aspergers is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager with Aspergers are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the Aspergers teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Aspergers Children “Block-Out” Their Emotions

Parenting children with Aspergers and HFA can be a daunting task. In layman’s terms, Aspergers is a developmental disability that affects the way children develop and understand the world around them, and is directly linked to their senses and sensory processing. This means they often use certain behaviors to block out their emotions or response to pain.

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Older Teens and Young Adult Children With Aspergers Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with Aspergers face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Living with an Aspergers Spouse/Partner

Research reveals that the divorce rate for people with Aspergers is around 80%. Why so high!? The answer may be found in how the symptoms of Aspergers affect intimate relationships. People with Aspergers often find it difficult to understand others and express themselves. They may seem to lose interest in people over time, appear aloof, and are often mistaken as self-centered, vain individuals.

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Online Parent Coaching for Parents of Asperger's Children

If you’re the parent of a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism, you know it can be a struggle from time to time. Your child may be experiencing: obsessive routines; problems coping in social situations; intense tantrums and meltdowns; over-sensitivity to sounds, tastes, smells and sights; preoccupation with one subject of interest; and being overwhelmed by even the smallest of changes.

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Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Parents, teachers, and the general public have a lot of misconceptions of Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism. Many myths abound, and the lack of knowledge is both disturbing and harmful to kids and teens who struggle with the disorder.

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Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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