Aspergers and the Teenage Years

Most experts do a great job of presenting the problems kids with Aspergers face during their adolescent years. Yet they offer few solutions.

Problems Teenagers With Aspergers Often Face—

Diane Kennedy, in her 2002 book The ADHD Autism Connection, writes that the years from twelve to seventeen are "the saddest and most difficult time" for people with Aspergers. This is not true of every teenager with Aspergers. Some do extremely well. Their indifference to what others think makes them indifferent to the intense peer pressure of adolescence. They can flourish within their specialty, and become accomplished musicians, historians, mathematicians, etc.

Yet, as Kennedy observes, Aspergers adolescents typically become more isolated socially during a period when they crave friendships and inclusion more than ever. In the cruel world of middle and high school, adolescents often face rejection, isolation and bullying.

Meanwhile, school becomes more demanding in a period when they have to compete for college placements. Issues of sexuality and a desire for independence from moms & dads create even more problems.

Social Isolation. In the teenage world where everyone feels insecure, teenagers that appear different are voted off the island. Adolescents often have odd mannerisms. One teenager talks in a loud unmodulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many Adolescents are too anxious to initiate social contact.

Many Aspergers adolescents are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teenage popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an Aspergers child, even though she wants it more than anything else. One girl ended a close friendship with this note: "Your expectations exhaust me. The phone calls, the girl talks, all your feelings...it's just too much for me. I can't take it anymore."

Inability to "Be a Teenager." An Aspergers child typically does not care about teenager fads and clothing styles -- concerns that obsess everyone else in their peer group. Adolescents may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years. Boys forget to shave; girls don't comb their hair or follow fashion.

Some Adolescents remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies such as unicorns and Legos, instead of moving into adolescent concerns like MySpace and dating. Aspergers boys often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.

Sexual Issues. Aspergers adolescents are not privy to street knowledge of sex and dating behaviors that other teenagers pick up naturally. This leaves them naive and clueless about sex. Boys can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An Aspergers adolescent may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape.

Criminal Activity. Pain, loneliness and despair can lead to problems with drugs, sex and alcohol. In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some Adolescents fall into the wrong high school crowds. Teenagers who abuse substances will use the Aspergers child's naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group.

If cornered by a police officer, an Aspergers child usually does not have the skill to answer the officer's questions appropriately. For example, if the officer says, "Do you know how fast you were driving?" an Aspergers child may reply bluntly, "Yes," and thus appears to be a smart-aleck.

School Failures. Many Adolescents with their average to above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The Aspergers student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations.

Adolescents with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials face similar academic problems as students with Attention Deficit Disorder. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the Aspergers child how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on an Aspergers adolescent can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.

Depression and Acting Out. The teenage years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that an Aspergers adolescent becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Child tantrums reappear. Boys often act up by physically attacking a teacher or peer. They may experience "melt down" at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns, as the teenager now has access to cars, drugs and alcohol.

The "saddest and most difficult time" can overwhelm not only the Aspergers adolescent, but also his family.

How Moms & dads Can Help Teenagers With Aspergers—

Moms & dads of teenagers with Aspergers face many problems that others moms & dads do not. Time is running out for teaching their Aspergers child how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, and so much left to do." They face issues such as vocational training, teaching independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their young person, if necessary. Meanwhile, their immature Aspergers child is often indifferent or even hostile to these concerns.

Once an Aspergers child enters the teenager years, his moms & dads have to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all adolescents, he is harder to control and less likely to listen to his moms & dads. He may be tired of moms & dads nagging him to look people in their eyes, brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there. Here is how thirteen-year-old Luke Jackson, author of Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers, wrote about being an Aspergers teenager:

"Are you listening to me?' 'Look at me when I am talking to you.' AS kids, how familiar are those words? Don't they just make you groan? (And that's putting it politely!) ...When I look someone straight in the eye... the feeling is so uncomfortable that I cannot really describe it. First of all I feel as if their eyes are burning me and I really feel as if I am looking into the face of an alien."

Here are some ways that other moms & dads of teenagers with Aspergers deal with common issues.

School. If the pressure on your young person to conform is too great, if she faces constant harassment and rejection, if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, it may be time to find another school. The teenager years are often when many moms & dads decide it is in their young person’s best interest to enter special education or a therapeutic boarding school. In a boarding school, professionals guide your young person academically and socially on a twenty-four hour basis. They do not allow boys to isolate themselves with video games: everyone has to participate in social activities. A counseling staff helps with college placements.

If you decide to work within a public school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your young person should have an Individual Education Plan and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for college board examinations.

Teach your young person to find a "safe place" at school where he can share emotions with a trusted professional. The safe place may be the offices of school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

Social Life. When she was little, you could arrange play dates for her. Now you have to teach her how to initiate contact with others. Teach her how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage her to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell her peers that she has Aspergers: let her do that herself.

Many teenagers with Aspergers are enjoying each other's company through Internet chatrooms, forums and message boards.

Appearance. Because of their sensitivity to textures, Adolescents often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms & dads is to find a teenager of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person help you choose clothes that will enable your young person to blend in with other teenagers. Insist that your teenager practices good hygiene every day.

Sex. You absolutely have to teach your teenager with Aspergers about sex. You will not be able to "talk around" the issue: you will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your young person to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your young person may need remedial "sex education". For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors and masturbate only in private.

Drugs and Alcohol. Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your young person's prescriptions, so you have to teach your young person about these dangers. Since most Adolescents are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

Driving. Most Adolescents can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter - a trait that helps in driving. However, Adolescents may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your young person carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains Aspergers. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

Summer and Part-Time Jobs. Most of these jobs --movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc -- involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for a teenager with Aspergers. Some Adolescents can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other teenagers have spent joyful summers at camps designed for teenagers like them.

Life After High School. If your teenager is college-bound, you have to prepare her for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show her where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach her how to handle everyday problems such as "Where do you buy deodorant?" "What if you oversleep and miss a class?"

As you prepare your teenager for the workforce, keep in mind that people with Aspergers often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, Adolescents are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete
Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed
With Aspergers Syndrome.