Should I actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to “fit in” better?

Question

How should I deal with my 12-year-old Asperger’s son now?
Should I simply accept him as he is now, or should I
actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to “fit
in” better? By socialize, I mean look in a person’s eyes
when talking, how to be a friend, conversations should be
two way instead of him delivering a monologue, etc. Are
these things even “teachable?”

Answer

Yes, those things are teachable! And you should definitely
work on them with your son. This type of teaching should
begin even earlier than age 12. But, at age 12, your son is
likely to learn them more easily than he would have at a
younger age.

Teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome often have a difficult
time during the teenage years. They become isolated
socially and face rejection and bullying due to the fact
that they act differently from others. They long for
friends, but have very weak social skills. There are some
teenagers who do well during these years, if they are
indifferent to peer pressure and focused on a special
interest of their own, such as music or computers.
Encouraging your son to develop a special interest may help
him form friendships with other teens that have the same
interest.

One of the biggest issues for most Asperger’s teens is that
they don’t care about the usual fads, teen activities, and
peer expectations. Sometimes their interests are more
appropriate for younger children. Boys may be rejected if
they are not interested in sports. Some of these issues can
be resolved by helping your son learn about fads, teen life,
and sports. Even if your son isn’t very interested or
doesn’t want to participate in them, it will help him
understand his peers. Teach him how to talk about
celebrities, teen rituals, and sports using social stories
and role playing (see below). Focus on teaching him how to
speak briefly and then wait for the other person to respond
before he speaks again.

Encourage your son to initiate contact with peers, leave
phone messages, and arrange social activities. Encourage
him to join clubs, especially those that focus on a special
interest of his. Some teens enjoy talking with other
Asperger’s teens in internet chat rooms, forums, and on
message boards.

It helps “Aspies” if parents are involved in arranging
social interactions with peers. Parents should help
organize and supervise appropriate activities. Michelle
Winner’s “Social Thinking Program,” which emphasizes how to
join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on common
topics, develop social skills (eye contact, for example),
and make friends by creating “Friend Files,” may help your
son.

Behavioural Therapy with a counsellor also helps Aspies
learn how to function. Any kind of therapy takes effort on
the part of the teenager and his parents. The success of
therapy depends on the teenager’s own desire to fit in.

Social stories can be used to teach appropriate behaviour in
a variety of settings. Social stories may be used by
parents, therapists, or teachers. Social Stories are a tool
for teaching social skills to those with autism and related
disabilities. Social stories provide accurate information
about situations that your son may find difficult or
confusing. A situation is described in detail and focus is
placed on a few key points: important social cues, events
and reactions the individual might expect to occur, the
actions and reactions that might be expected of him, and
why. The goal is to increase the individual’s understanding
of, make him more comfortable in, and teach some appropriate
responses for that particular situation.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete
Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed
With Aspergers Syndrome.