Meltdowns range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding. Aspergers children's temperaments vary dramatically — so some Aspergers children may experience regular meltdowns, whereas others have them rarely. They're a normal part of Aspergers development and don't have to be seen as something negative. Unlike adults, Aspergers children don't have the same inhibitions or control.
Imagine how it feels when you're determined to program your DVD player and aren't able to do it, no matter how hard you try, because you can't understand how. It's pretty frustrating — do you swear, throw the manual, walk away, and slam the door on your way out? That's the adult version of a temper tantrum. Aspergers kids are also trying to master their world and when they aren't able to accomplish a task, they turn to one of the only tools at their disposal for venting frustration — a temper tantrum.
Several basic causes of meltdowns are familiar to moms & dads everywhere: The Aspergers child is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, meltdowns are often the result of Aspergers children's frustration with the world — they can't get something (for example, an object or a parent) to do what they want. Frustration is an unavoidable part of their lives as they learn how people, objects, and their own bodies work.
Meltdowns are common during the second year of life, a time when children are acquiring language. Aspergers kids generally understand more than they can express. Imagine not being able to communicate your needs to someone — a frustrating experience that may precipitate a temper tantrum. As language skills improve, meltdowns tend to decrease.
Another task Aspergers kids are faced with is an increasing need for autonomy. Aspergers kids want a sense of independence and control over the environment — more than they may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as an Aspergers child thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me." When Aspergers children discover that they can't do it and can't have everything they want, the stage is set for a temper tantrum.
Avoiding Meltdowns—
The best way to deal with meltdowns is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some strategies that may help:
• Consider the request carefully when your youngster wants something. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your battles; accommodate when you can.
• Distract your youngster. Take advantage of your little one's short attention span by offering a replacement for the coveted object or beginning a new activity to replace the frustrating or forbidden one. Or simply change the environment. Take your child outside or inside or move to a different room.
• Keep off-limits objects out of sight and out of reach to make struggles less likely to develop over them. Obviously, this isn't always possible, especially outside of the home where the environment can't be controlled.
• Know your youngster's limits. If you know your child is tired, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or try to squeeze in one more errand.
• Make sure your youngster isn't acting up simply because he or she isn't getting enough attention. To an Aspergers child, negative attention (a parent's response to a temper tantrum) is better than no attention at all. Try to establish a habit of catching your youngster being good ("time in"), which means rewarding your little one with attention for positive behavior.
• Set the stage for success when Aspergers children are playing or trying to master a new task. Offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also, start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.
• Try to give Aspergers kids some control over little things. This may fulfill the need for independence and ward off meltdowns. Offer minor choices such as "Do you want orange juice or apple juice?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after taking a bath?" This way, you aren't asking "Do you want to brush your teeth now?" — which inevitably will be answered "no."
If a safety issue is involved and a child repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold the youngster firmly for several minutes. Be consistent. Aspergers children must understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.
Temper tantrum Tactics—
The most important thing to keep in mind when you're faced with an Aspergers child in the throes of a temper tantrum, no matter what the cause, is simple and crucial: Keep cool. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration. Aspergers children can sense when moms & dads are becoming frustrated. This can just make their frustration worse, and you may have a more exaggerated temper tantrum on your hands. Instead, take deep breaths and try to think clearly.
Your youngster relies on you to be the example. Hitting and spanking don't help; physical tactics send the message that using force and physical punishment is OK. Instead, have enough self-control for both of you.
First, try to understand what's going on. Meltdowns should be handled differently depending on the cause. Try to understand where your youngster is coming from. For example, if your little one has just had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort.
It's a different situation when the temper tantrum stems from an Aspergers child's being refused something. Aspergers kids have fairly rudimentary reasoning skills, so you aren't likely to get far with explanations. Ignoring the outburst is one way to handle it — if the temper tantrum poses no threat to your youngster or others. Continue your activities, paying no attention to your youngster but remaining within sight. Don't leave your little one alone, though, otherwise he or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other uncontrollable emotions.
Aspergers children who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a temper tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This also applies to meltdowns in public places.
Older Aspergers children are more likely to use meltdowns to get their way if they've learned that this behavior works. Once Aspergers children are school age, it's appropriate to send them to their rooms to cool off. Rather than setting a specific time limit, moms & dads can tell them to stay in the room until they've has regained control. The former option is empowering — Aspergers children can affect the outcome by their own actions, thereby gaining a sense of control that was lost during the temper tantrum.
After the Storm—
Occasionally an Aspergers child will have a hard time stopping a temper tantrum. In these cases, it might help to say to say, "I'll help you settle down now." But do not reward your youngster after a temper tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to your little one that the temper tantrum was effective. Instead, verbally praise an Aspergers child for regaining control.
Also, Aspergers children may be especially vulnerable after a temper tantrum when they know they've been less than adorable. Now is the time for a hug and reassurance that your youngster is loved, no matter what.
When to Call the Doctor—
You should consult your doctor if:
• The meltdowns arouse a lot of bad feelings.
• The meltdowns increase in frequency, intensity, or duration.
• You have questions about what you're doing or what your youngster is doing.
• You keep giving in.
• Your youngster displays mood disorders such as negativity, low self-esteem, or extreme dependence.
• Your youngster frequently hurts himself or herself or others.
• Your youngster is destructive.
• You're uncomfortable with your responses.
Your doctor can also check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the meltdowns, although this is not common. These include hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays, or a learning disability.
Remember, meltdowns usually aren't cause for concern and generally diminish on their own. As Aspergers children mature developmentally and their grasp of themselves and the world increases, their frustration levels decrease. Less frustration and more control mean fewer meltdowns — and happier moms & dads.
My Aspergers Child
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