Question
My AS daughter is 10 and my youngest daughter is almost 4. My 10-year-old verbally attacks my 3-year-old and my 3-year-old just stands there looking dazed and confused. How can I get my 10-year-old to stop doing this and how can I protect my 3-year-old from it? It is really starting to take a toll on my relationship with my husband. (The 10-year-old is his stepdaughter and 3-year-old is ours together.) Not to mention the toll it is taking on my 3-year-old. She loves her sister so much and wants nothing more than to spend time with her. Her feelings get so hurt when her sister yells, screams, calls names, and tells her she hates her. I have tried sending 10-year-old to her room, talking to her, taking things away, watching the situation and trying to stop it before it happens, but it happens so quickly, it’s hard to see it coming. What can I do?
Answer
First of all, find a time when you and your husband can sit down and have a talk with your 10-year-old, without the 3 year old being present. Calmly, each of you should tell her how sad and upset you feel when she yells and screams at her little sister. The goal is to make her feel guilty about this behaviour and to understand that it is unacceptable. Point out to her how awful it would be if you and your husband acted that way – toward her. Ask her how she would feel if you yelled, screamed, and called her names. Be specific describing such a situation to help her understand how bad she would feel. Then make the point that her little sister feels the same way.
Tell her that she cannot continue yelling, screaming, and calling names, and that, if she does, she will be punished. The punishment should be “time out” in a room alone for 15 minutes, with no fun activities available to her, following by apologizing to her sister. Do this every time she acts inappropriately. Each time, after her time out, sit her down and explain again why she must not act this way and that it is unacceptable. Find out why she had “a meltdown.” Help her find an alternate way that she could have handled the situation. Have her practice it. You may have to do this many, many times.
To stop verbal abuse you may need to use other forms of behaviour modification as well. You must determine the need that your daughter’s behaviour fulfils and teach her a replacement behaviour. For example, if she yells when her little sister uses her things, teach her to come to you with a single code word, and when she does, help her handle the situation. This takes time. If the child is severely out of control, then removing the child from the situation is required. As you know, this may be easier said than done. Behaviour modification should be started early. You may need the help of a counsellor or psychiatrist to help you deal with this now before it escalates into physical abuse. Hopefully your 10-year-old will learn to communicate the cause of her anger and get her needs met by doing so. Unfortunately, children who get what they want because of misbehaviour are likely to continue and escalate such behaviour.
Your daughter may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or another disorder in tandem with Asperger’s. Some theorists claim that ODD is a result of incomplete development; the ODD child has never completed the developmental tasks of normal children. The child is stuck at the 2-year-old level of development and never grows out of it. In this case, medical intervention may be necessary.
Another theory about ODD is that it is a result of negative interactions, possibly interactions that occur away from home. This theory states that having successfully used anger and abuse as a way to get needs met, the Asperger’s child continues to use it.
ODD does not usually occur alone. About 35% of ODD children have an affective disorder and 20% may have a mood disorder, such as Bipolar Disorder. Other ODD children have personality or learning disorders. It is imperative that your daughter is evaluated for other disorders, as this will be the key to treating her successfully.
The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed With Aspergers Syndrome.
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9 comments:
I have two kids on the Autism spectrum, both have co-concurring conditions. ADHD, Autism, cognitive deficits... my youngest has the majority of diagnosis, further going into ODD, and PTSD, etc. The situation we face is actually reversed where my youngest is always beating up on her bigger sister, and verbally abusing those around her, etc. She has always been fussy, and tempermental since she was born. I can't say she's ever been any different, but we discover new behaviors all the time with different meds we try. Some of them are helpful, some are not. Her behavior for a long time was controlled with Risperdal, but we are now at a point where the Risperdal no longer works on it's own. She does take Focalin, and tenex in conjection with the Risperdal right now, in the hopes that we can take her off the Risperdal completely and perhaps get her on a different medicine all together. All I have to say is that changes in routine from school, differences in our day, not warning her about something- anything being different can set her off. She keeps things together at school but explodes at home, typically at her older sister. Just recently she did it out in public and tried to go after her sister in our therapist's waiting room. While her therapist said there are a lot of meltdowns out there, it did not make me feel any better. To date most of our issues have been contained to the house. Now life is very unpredictable because we have no idea where or when the next behavior is going to occur. I do sympathize with the above because this is a dynamic we deal with all the time. Mostly though the hurt feelings come from when my older daughter rejects my younger daughter (who has the majority of issues) because of her behavior, and all her little sister wants is to interact with her. Life is never dull.
I have this problem every day of my 11 yr olds life,he has aspy and his little brother is 10. he has always got the brunt of his big brother's tantrums, daily, it breaks my heart..I have actually consider residential treatment for my aspy child just to give his little brother a break. I don't know what else to do, I am single at this time and it has got physically abusive towards me if I interfere with one of their aurguments, I just try to keep them apart as much as I can, but that is not always practical...ODD is also a problem...Lord, help me and all you parents out there!
My daughter is 11 and she is the same way with her sister who is 9. Have you taken away your aspie childs free time? I have taken all free time away and give it as a reward, this stops the behavior right in its track. This is a huge step for parents but the younger child does not deserve it and it will help them grow, trust me!
As mentioned, removing the tantruming child is a challenge; another option is to remove yourselves (you, and 3 year old). When your older daughter is behaving inappropriately rush to your 3 year old, go over the top lavishing her with tender comfort "I'm sorry your sister is treating you so mean, lets leave" - and then leave the room while continuing to console her loudly enough for your other daughter can hear. If there are 2 adults available when this happens, both adults lavish 3 year old and after a couple min. one returns to briefly explain the disappointing behavior and to begin the time out as described earlier - and leaves.
The other half is to find opportunities to REWARD the older sister for using "kind and loving" words and behaviors toward her younger sister. These can be orchestrated with activities the 10 year old enjoys that the 3 year old can do. Start very brief. A compliment. A request to pass a dinner table item. The reward must be meaningful to your 10 year old and should also include specific wording for the desired behavior. "You asked your sister for the noodles using your kind words, thank you. Here's a ticket you can use for extra wii time (or whatever token/reward system you have in place) later".
Replacing the unwanted behaviors with the desired ones is necessary or your 10 year old may skip to another undesirable choice of her own. Good Luck.
I would be interested to meet parents who have the reverse dynamic- the younger child is out of control and just as abusive and manipulative and mean towards the older child that it is severely damaging the sibling relationship. It's the same dynamic, just reversed in age. Both of my kids have ASD but the youngest has the ODD, and it gets so frustrating.
My 11 year old has two older brothers...he has thrown forks at them..and broke their stuff..yells at the girlfirends....it is frustrating....my older two are at college and they hate coming home because of him
about an hour ago · Like
My daughter is 17 and my Aspie son is 15. They absolutely hate each other as my oldest daughter has had privacy violated & the screaming outbursts embarrass her. I urge EVERYONE to get a grip on this early as behavior modification must occur consistently. My wife & I have since divorced & to this day my son suffers from his mother & I not being able to work together for his future. Please use the professional resources available & help your other children know that your Aspie child is just wired differently & why they need more help to show love to their siblings. Best of luck to you all as a Christian faith will help you more than anything & in many ways. Hang in there!
I have similar problems as crystal, i am single mum an i have a 14yrold son who has aspergers an learning disabilty an conduct disorder, i have 3 yunger girls one who is 4yrold an gets upset an scared by his abuseive behaviour, i also hav a 13yrold with learnin disabilty an a 11 daughter who has nothing wrong, im at point now where i have thought about care away from the home to give us all some respite, he has been abusive mentaly an physicaly to us all, + i have lost friends an some family members dont like having in thur homes as he steals etc.. it is now a very lonely way x
I have it both directions. My oldest daughter is 10, My Aspie son is 7, my other son is 5 and I have a 2 yr old daughter. My aspie and his older sister have a major love/hate relationship. There are times he adores her and they get along great. Then there are time when he hits her and destroys everything she owns. Same thing goes with the little ones but they get along even less. For the most part the 5 yr old looks up to his brother and even acts like him at times. However for the most part both of the little ones seem to get on his nerves and is mean to them when they won't go away.
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