Aspergers & Peer Rejection

Question

I need to help my child deal with friends and rejection of
friends. I want to be able to help my son fit in with his
peers.

Answer

Everybody wants friends. Friendships are what make us who
we are developmentally, emotionally, and intellectually. It
starts when we’re babies. Parents sit mesmerized, waiting
for the baby to make eye contact, smile, and coo. It’s the
beginning of real, social connection. From that moment,
life is all about friends.

As little children, we spend most of our time trying to make
and keep friends. The early years of school continue to
focus primarily on friendships, emphasizing socialization
over academics. Yet, children with Asperger’s Syndrome have
genuine struggles making friends and keeping them. This
sets the stage for most of the obvious problems related to
Asperger’s.

Your son should know that you are an available support for
him when things happen that are beyond his control.
Asperger’s kids need structured, step-by-step guidelines to
help them in sticky situations. You can set up a plan for
him to use when dealing with his friends and peers.

Use your son’s specific friendships to draw out your
guidelines. If he has a friend who is happy to play, but
acts differently when others are around, he needs a plan of
action on how to handle the situation. This can be pretty
typical behavior for kids when they fall into social cliques.
Help him make a list of “if-then” actions.

• If my friend is happy to play, then we’ll play together on
the swings.

• If my friend calls me names in front of other kids, then I
will play with someone else or tell my teacher.

• If my friend acts like he doesn’t know me, then I will
tell him I don’t like how he is treating me.

Another example could be time on the playground. Lay out
the guidelines of acceptable behavior on the playground.
Give him examples of problems that may arise and write out
guidelines on how to deal with these issues. With practice
your son will be able to replay his guidelines in his mind
and put them into action.

• If a kid bullies you on the playground, tell the teacher
as soon as possible.

• If a teacher doesn’t help you with a bully on the
playground, tell another adult you trust as soon as you can.

• If the kids try to skip your turn on the slide, calmly
tell them it is your turn.

Rejection is tough for all of us. There will be times when
your son will be rejected. It may be that his Asperger’s
has nothing to do with the rejection. You can still have
guidelines for dealing with rejection. He should know what
appropriate behavior is for a person who has been rejected.
Reassure him that this is normal and that everyone suffers
from rejection at some point in life.

A book that may help your situation is “The Friendship
Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World
and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness” by
Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D. and Andrea Thompson.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete
Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed
With Aspergers Syndrome.