Is there any method I can use during the meltdowns...?

Question

I have three teenagers with Asperger's and my spouse does also. Needless to say, our home is stressful at least once a day---usually more---every day. The conflict upsets our preschooler and leaves me in the middle to maintain peace and order. It is challenging to keep them from misreading, reacting to, and feeding off of each others' moods/verbalizations. Is there any method I can use during the meltdowns, especially if I come in when it's already angry and chaotic? I've tried getting them to separate and cool off, but they seem locked into engaging with each other. And, if I leave the room or the house I often end up with holes punched in walls, broken items, etc.

Answer

The parent’s behavior can influence a meltdown’s duration, so always check your response first.

1. Calm down
2. Quiet down
3. Slow down
4. Prioritize safety
5. Re-establish self-control in the son/daughter, then deal with the issue

1. Take 3 slow, deep breaths, and rather than dreading the meltdown that’s about to take place, assure yourself that you’ve survived meltdowns 1000 times before and will do so this time too.

2. Keep your speaking voice quiet and your tone neutrally pleasant. Don’t speak unnecessarily. Less is best. Don’t be “baited” into an argument. (Often Aspergers kids seem to “want” to fight. They know how to “push your buttons”, so don’t be side-tracked from the meltdown issue).

3. Slow down. Meltdown often occurs at the most inconvenient time e.g. rushing out the door to school. The extra pressure the fear of being late creates, adds to the stress of the situation. (Aspergers kids respond to referred mood and will pick up on your stress. This stress is then added to their own.) So forget the clock and focus on the situation. Make sure the significant people in your life know your priorities here. Let your boss know that your Aspergers son/daughter has meltdowns that have the capacity to bring life to a standstill, and you may be late. Let your son/daughter’s teacher know that if your son/daughter is late due to a meltdown that it’s unavoidable, and your son/daughter shouldn’t be reprimanded for it.

4. Prioritize safety when your Aspergers son/daughter is having a meltdown. Understand that they can be extremely impulsive and irrational at this time. Don’t presume that the safety rules they know will be utilized while they’re melting down. Just because your Aspergers son/daughter knows not to go near the street when they are calm doesn’t mean they won’t run straight into 4 lanes of traffic when they are having a meltdown. If your Aspergers son/daughter starts melting down when you’re driving in the car, pull over and stop. If your son/daughter tends to “flee” when melting down, don’t chase them. This just adds more danger to the situation. Tail them at a safe distance (maintain visual contact) if necessary.

5. When your Aspergers son/daughter is calm and has regained self-control, he will often be exhausted. Keep that in mind as you work through the meltdown issue. Reinforce to your son/daughter the appropriate way to express their needs/requests.

Remember that all behavior is a form of communication, so try to work out the ‘message’ your Aspergers son/daughter is trying to convey with their meltdown, rather than responding and reacting to the behavior displayed.

Note: A meltdown is not the same as a tantrum. Tantrums are caused by someone not getting their own way and then "acting out", in order to try and get what they want. Meltdown is triggered by sensory overload: hypersensitivity to things such as noise, heat, etc. This leaves the person with Aspergers feeling irritable, agitated, and stressed.


How to PREVENT Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers Children and Teens