Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent?
Parents of teens with Aspergers face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."
Parents face issues such as college preparation, vocational training, teaching independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their child, if necessary. Meanwhile, their immature Aspergers teenager is often indifferent – and even hostile – to these concerns.
As you were raising your child, you imagined how he would be when he grew up. Maybe you envisioned him going to college, learning a skilled traded, getting a good job, or beginning his own family. But now that (once clear) vision may be dashed. You may be grieving the loss of the child you wish you had.
If you have an older teenager with Aspergers who has no clue where he is going in life, or if you have an “adult-child” with Aspergers still living at home (in his early 20s or beyond), here are the steps you will need to take in order to foster the development of self-reliance in this child.
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My 18yr has totally lost the run of himself. He no longer lives at home and has had social difficulties from day 1. He an extravert, he is hyperactive impulsive and has always found it difficult to understand facial expression and body language.
I have always felt we have had a good relationship, his problems were always with everyone else in authority his dad and later his step dad were totally unable to handle him they either fought with him or didn't deal with misbehaviour. The majority of his teachers the same, I often just wanted to take him away to the country where people couldn't fight with him. I was a regular mediator and couldn't understand why people had to be such authoritarian bullies and why they couldn't deal with him kindly and be clear and consistant with what was expected and accepted.
I believed with kindness and love and very clear and consistant boundries and constant praise for good behaviour and kindness he showed, that he would learn that not everyone knew or wanted to be kind & decent but that for himself he would treat everyone with respect and that he could be proud to know that he has carried himself with respect decency and dignity regardless of how anyone else choose to behave around or towards him.
He has obviously on occasion over the years shown disrespect etc toward me but would quickly pull in his horns when I spoke to him. Since he moved out of the house I am the only one who keeps regular contact with him even though I have spoken to both his dad and stepdad about just checking in with a text to let him know they care even if he doesn't respond. Also incouraging his (birthday tomorrow)16yr old sister but he can verbally be quite nasty to her so she doesn't bother. He is living his own life and shutting us out and I know that's normal but I believe it's up to the adults to keep comunicating with him.
In the past 6mts he has been more and more arragont, willfull and defiant with every one including me showing me disrespect regularly.and recently he went to an all new level going from someone who would not attempt to curse infront of me to ball face verbally attaching me with every possible obscenity he has told me he is done with me etc etc I never found him hard to handle he just constantly took handling of course I regularly worried and questioned things and then I would read more about parenting methods or other behavioural concerns till I was satified I was handling things.
He is dyslexic and for years everytime I brought this to the attention of his teachers they told me he was just unwilling, wouldn't try, he won't settle down etc that he was too intelligent to be that he just needed a firmer hand. Eventually when he was around 10yrs I had saved enough money to have him accessed and even with his diagnosis teachers still bullied and harassed him but in primary school with just one teacher to deal with I was able to form a relationship and in turn usually a method of working well together with huge improvements all round and a much happier child. Each year a new teacher and it would start all over.
When he got to secondary school it was awful he now had 6-8 teachers per day, and was given out to on an hourly basis usually it started with them being dissatified or frustrated by his academic profermance and then behavioural problems.
I had met with everyone of the teachers prior to H_____ starting bringing with me his psychological reports to and asking each on to please include me when they experience any difficulties so that we could keep control and not allow small problems to esculate. I always approached the teachers with respect and from the point of H_____ is having difficulties which in turn is creating problems for his teacher so lets work together to resolve this. (even thought I often did not believe they deserved any respect) I never expressed to H_____ my opinion that the majority of his teachers incompetence but always praise any good traits they had and expressed how they were trying to do what was best and that he had responsibility as well in getting along.
He is very angry with me and is not coping with difficulties if he gets a flat tyre he looses the plot ranting and raving when everything is going smoothly he is very pleasant but the minute he has any problem no matter how trivial he bitches at whoever is nearest. He is often verbally very nasty and recently towards younger teens and his sister. And I feel like I have obviously seriously mess up and I don't know how. I am not stupid enough to think I was doing every thing right nor have I ever taught I was doing an amazing job but I sure did read and watch every parenting programme possible to deal with him and my other kids in the best way possible to give them every chance to become the best person they can be.
Even though he appears perfectly normal I have known there is something not quite right. People would expect certian behaviours of him and judge him yet they would comment on how odd or strange and hyper he is. My 16yr old also struggles socially she direct opposite an intravert, she finds it hard to talk at all but chats away at home, she struggles to look at people and is seen as intellegent but lazy and wilfully withdrawn in school, but I found a much better school now for her she move there last year and they brought up her adverage by 2 grades per subject in general her teachers now are kind and encouraging with the exception of 1or 2 so major improvements she too has dyslexia which suggestion of was laughed at by her teachers for years (money has always been an issue) she too is discribed as odd.
We also have a 2 and a half yr old who so far so good appears normal but I do see similar traits as the older two. Same as with the other two she is also way ahead of her peers at all her developmental tests, they all adveraged 8mths to a year ahead in all areas in early developmental tests. All three would sit quietly in the waiting areas while all the other childern were demanding noisy jumping around etc where mine would ask nicely to get a toy or book etc. but if they were in the company of another adult (dad auntie) they would be very unruley. Obviously even though I could get on well with them it is obvious they do not interact well in society and I feel I have seriouly failed H_____ and am well on the way to failing the other two. I don't know what to do. I feel completely alone my husband is a very kind and caring man but he has no idea how self distructive H_____ has become. When I showed my husband a conversation on Face Book between H_____ his Cousin who he shares a house with and another young woman which had nasty sexual remarks his response was shock first and then he just said he's being a complete twat. And hasn't mentioned it since. I have shown my husband your web site and I have told him I am writing to you but he like me just has no idea what we can do.
H_____'s dad is a good man but he is an alcoholic we seperated when H_____ was 6 Paul and I got together when H_____ was 12. Paul has been ill for the past couple of years and struggling with the medical system to get answers and is presently and being treated for hormonal deficiencies with some improvements.