In a marriage situation, the so-called "normal" spouse may be content with doing the bulk of the emotional work of the relationship, particularly if that person is a female. However, once kids arrive, further difficulties can arise as the Asperger mom or dad cannot effectively engage with their youngster and the other parent can observe feelings of distress in the growing youngster as little empathy is displayed towards that youngster. When the spouse expresses frustration at this lack of affection and intimacy, the Aspergers adult is often puzzled by the outburst as understanding is absent. It is easy to see how arguments and unhappiness result. It is not surprising that around 80% of such marriages end in divorce.
For spouses and family members of an Asperger adult, counseling can help in learning to overcome feelings of anger, hurt, disappointment, and depression. Joining a support group can also assist on overcoming the feelings of isolation associated with being a relative of an Aspergers adult.
For the Aspergers adult himself, counseling is of some assistance, but social skills training will better equip the individual in dealing with others, whether they be spouses, kids, or workplace colleagues. Social skills training involves teaching the person to recognize facial expressions and associate them with certain emotions, learning body language skills and being able to interpret what is being communicated, and learning to verbally interact with others at a more functioning level.
This type of training is a learned procedure, as it does not come naturally to the Aspergers adult. However in doing so, it makes for easier social interaction, less misunderstanding and social isolation. If the person desires better relationships, they must also be willing to ask for and act on advice in situations in which they know they find difficult to negotiate. The attitude of both spouse and the Aspergers adult are crucial for the successful learning process to occur.
It requires hard work and much patience for spouses and family members, and a willingness to accept constructive criticism on the part of the Aspergers adult to smooth out the rough edges of these relationships. But, like any relationship, willingness on both sides can certainly lead to improved daily interactions.
This condition is a lifelong developmental disorder and mainly manifests in the inability to successfully relate emotionally to others during everyday interactions. There exists a lack of awareness in interpreting social cues; a skill that most of us take for granted. Given that inability, it can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of an Asperger to cope with many of the behavior patterns typically exhibited.
As Aspergers is a relatively recently classified disorder, an adult's diagnosis with Aspergers may occur after the diagnosis of a youngster or a grandchild. When this occurs, family members often then relate the behaviors of the newly-diagnosed youngster to that of the lifelong behavior patterns of a parent or spouse.
This "Ah-ha" phenomenon is often accompanied by relief on the part of the parent, spouse, or youngster of an Aspergers adult, but with it comes grief when the realization hits home that there is little likelihood of gross changes in the Aspergers adult. For instance, the daughter whose son is diagnosed with Aspergers may then realize that her father had the same constellation of symptoms, and the reason for her father's apparent disconnectedness, coldness, and inability to empathize with her suddenly becomes crystal clear.
Coping with a family member with Aspergers can be frustrating and demoralizing, particularly with an Aspergers adult who is undiagnosed. There can be much suffering and misunderstanding by the youngster of a mom or dad with Aspergers, and certainly psychological damage is likely. Once an effective diagnosis is made, at least there is some understanding for other family members as to why the Aspergers adult behaves the way that they do.
One of my clients had a mother-in-law who exhibited all the classic symptoms of Aspergers. Previous to the mother-in-law's diagnosis, this distressed client had suffered enormously at the hands of this woman, as had her husband and kids. She had called her "The Hologram." Her explanation was that "she looks like a normal human being, and she's smart and has a good job, but there's just nothing there." Hence the name she had dubbed her mother-in-law in order to cope with the stress that family get-togethers inevitably brought.
The term "hologram" was an unwittingly apt description of her mother-in-law. There was no intimacy, no understanding, no empathy, just a pragmatic approach to life that did not take into account the emotions of the individuals she dealt with. Nor was she able to adapt herself to the changing needs of different individuals or situations. The diagnosis of this woman's grandchild with Aspergers led to a realization by her own adult kids as to why their mother was the way she was. It answered a lot of questions, and gave these adult kids some closure regarding the childhood hurts they had experienced due to her inability to relate to them.
Dealing with a person with this condition can be extremely difficult at times, particularly when the person has yet to be diagnosed with Aspergers. When diagnosis of Aspergers occurs, it is often as a result of a child or grandchild being assessed with Aspergers. It then becomes apparent to other family members that the undiagnosed adult they have struggled for so long to understand or relate to also has Aspergers.
When an adult is diagnosed with Aspergers as a result of a youngster within the extended family being diagnosed, it can come as a "double whammy" to the family. This is particularly the case when a youngster and a spouse are diagnosed, since the remaining member of the family group is now in the position of dealing with two Aspergers in the one home.
Similarly, the diagnosis of a youngster may make the parent twig that Mom or Dad had Aspergers too. This also causes intense personal suffering for the person concerned since finding out that one's mom or dad has Aspergers will open as many wounds as it will explain.
The problems in dealing with Aspergers adults can be numerous, and include:
• A sense of frustration that you cannot "get through" to this person.
• A sense of hopelessness that the person doesn't love you.
• Depression related to the knowledge that the individual won't get better.
• Difficulties accepting that the spouse has the condition.
• Failure to understand why the person cannot relate to you in a "normal" manner
• Feeling overly responsible for the person; feeling a need to constantly explain their inappropriate behaviors and comments to others. A feeling of trepidation due to the effect of this constant vigilance.
• If the Aspergers adult is a marriage partner, concerns over whether to stay in the relationship are at times overwhelming.
• Lack of intimacy in the relationship and a failure to have your own needs met Lack of emotional support from family and friends who do not understand the condition.
Aspergers makes for difficulties in understanding the emotions of others as well as interpreting subtle communication skills, as transmitted through eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. This often leads to the person with Aspergers being labeled as rude, uncaring, cold, and unfeeling. While it is natural for those who interact with him/her to feel this way, it is unfair to the Aspergers adult. This is because Aspergers is a genetic, neurological condition which renders the Aspergers adult mentally unable to readily understand and interpret the emotional states of others.
One of the problems associated with adult Aspergers is lack of accurate diagnosis. Because Aspergers is a disorder that has only been recognized and singled out from other autistic spectrum disorders in the last decade, to date there has been little information about the behaviors of adults with the condition. As kids, these adults would have stood out among their peers as being "unusual," yet at the time there was no accurate diagnosis available. Hence there still remains many Aspergers adults in the community who remain undiagnosed.
The other problem is that, even when diagnosis occurs, the Aspergers adult may refuse to go into family counseling or accept available assistance as they do not see that they have a problem. One of my client's who had a mother with the condition was relieved to finally discover the reason for his mother's emotional aloofness, yet was devastated when that same mother refused to go into family therapy because she simply said "I feel good, there's nothing wrong with me."
In this case, there was no denial involved on the part of the mother. She simply couldn't understand her son's pain, his feelings of rejection, or his desire for a real "mother-son" relationship. None of it made any "sense" to her. In addition, her interactions with the family and in-laws were fraught with difficulties. Eventually this man decided to limit interaction with his mother as it caused too much distress.
In other cases, the Aspergers adult, when told that their actions are hurtful or inappropriate, may be genuinely shocked. However, the behavior is likely to be repeated, unless there is some form of intervention, and the individual genuinely desires to change.
Some Aspergers individuals can maintain ongoing relationships, however due to their neurological inability to effectively communicate on an emotional level, there are numerous difficulties. Even dating can prove to be a problem as the subtle "language of love" which operates during the courtship phase is often a mystery to the Aspergers adult. This can apply to even the most academically gifted individual. Recent research into the sexual behaviors of Aspergers adults indicate that they have similar sex drives as the general population but seldom possess the social skills to deal with the high level of intimacy required of such a relationship. In fact, research suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one spouse has Aspergers is around 80%.
The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete
Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed
With Aspergers Syndrome.
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