HELP FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH ASPERGER'S & HIGH-FUNCTIONING AUTISM

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Poor Academic Performance and Behavioral Problems in Aspergers Teens

Question

My son is 13 years old and was diagnosed with Aspergers, ODD and ADHD about three years ago. Everyday seems to be getting worse for him in school. He is so extremely intelligent but he refuses to do anything in class and the last 9 weeks he has seriously dropped his grades, been suspended from school twice and received After School Detention. I am not sure how I can make him see that this is not helping him in the long run or how to change his behaviors so that he and I are not miserable all the time. I have tried talking to him, I have tried taking away his video and computer games and I have tried not speaking and even yelling. We both could use some help finding ways to make it through together. He is in the 8th grade and I am not expecting immediate changes but I am running out of ideas and literally believe I am at the end of my rope. I am a single mom who is studying Psychology, but I am at a loss. I know I’m young and this diagnosis has effected both of us and those around us, but I do not want my son to continue to be miserable day in and day out. Anything you can suggest is greatly appreciated I am willing to try almost anything. Thank you.

Answer

First of all, if your son doesn’t have an IEP, that would be your first step. You didn’t mention anything about an IEP in your email, so assuming he does NOT have one, please type "IEP" in the search box at the top of this page to educate yourself about this.

Regarding the behavioral problems, this is the ODD/ADHD part of his diagnosis that is rearing its ugly head. To help you determine the reasons why your son behaves the way he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:
  • Because a situation was one way the first time, does he feel it has to be that way always?
  • Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem?
  • Does he see only two choices to a situation rather than many options?
  • Has he made a rule that can't be followed?
  • Is he blaming the teacher for something that is beyond the teacher's control?
  • Is he exaggerating the importance of an event?
  • Is he expecting perfection in himself?
  • Is he misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true?
  • Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go?

Here are some ways you can help your son with his behavioral issues:

1. Be a role model for your son in handling your own stress in a healthy way. If your son sees you talking to others about problems, taking time to relax, and living a healthy lifestyle, your example is likely to rub off.

2. Be clear about rules and consequences. Let your son know specifically what is expected and together decide on consequences for misbehavior. Then follow through. Teach ways of handling difficult situations. Talk through and role-play with your son how he can handle a stressful situation.

3. Encourage your son to write about worries in a journal.

4. Give back rubs and hugs. A short back or shoulder rub can help your son relax and show him you care. Gentle physical touch is a powerful stress reliever.

5. Help your son talk about what is bothering him. Don’t force him to talk, but offer opportunities. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” ask questions such as, “How are things going at school with your teacher?” Do not criticize what your son says or he will learn not to tell you things that bother him.

6. Maintain family routines. Knowing what to expect helps your son feel grounded and secure, especially during times of transition. Maintain family routines around bedtime, TV, and family meals as much as possible.

7. Make regular use of “social stores” to help your son adjust to changes. You can find more information on social stories on our sister website: www.AspergersSocialStories.com

8. Show your son the positive ways that you handle change. Talk about how you feel during times of change and about what you do to cope. For example, let your son see the lists you make to help you stay organized and focused.

9. Spend special one-to-one time. Find hobbies or other activities that you can do alone with your son. This allows for time to talk as well as time for having fun together.

10. Teach relaxation skills. Show your son how to relax by remembering and imagining pleasant situations like a favorite vacation or happy experience.

11. Teach your son that mistakes are OK. Let him know that all people, including you, make mistakes. Mistakes are for learning.

12. Tell stories about dealing with stress. For example, if your son is afraid of a new situation, tell a story about how you once felt in a similar situation and what you did to cope, or find a library book that shows a child coping successfully with stress.

Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism often appear pig-headed, stubborn, and down-right rude when they are faced with change. Let’s be honest: they don’t want to step outside their sandbox. Moms and dads in this situation not only need to understand that their child is “routine-based,” but they need to proactively predict when their child will require a routine. But, never forget that your son doesn’t believe that he is doing something wrong by presenting as stubborn towards change. He is merely trying to protect himself — and he wants you to help him feel secure by allowing him to do things in a sturdy, structured way. Using the tips above should make things run a bit more smoothly.

I would also be a good idea to provide your son’s teacher with some information that will help her to make certain accommodations. This may be the most important part of the solution!

I would get a note from the doctor who diagnosed your child with Aspergers so the teachers can verify (this will help establish some credibility). Then you should provide teachers with an information sheet to help educate them about Aspergers. Here is a sample information sheet that you can tailor to your individual needs. It should help teachers understand and deal with some of the everyday questions that come up regarding Aspergers.

Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I could type for hours how we struggled with the same. We found help with the right school and doctor and things changed a ton.
•    Anonymous said... I forgot to add we removed our boy from school for. 3 years & home schooled him also got a tutor in for maths & English until he got back on his feet as the bullies put him in a dark place & affected his confidence but long term we never felt that this was a good option as we thought he would never learn to cope or learn how to deal with situations x
•    Anonymous said... My son is 14 and in 10th grade. We've had these same struggles with the school system. I could spend hours writing about all the horror stories, but they are probably pretty similar to yours. In 6th grade we pulled him out of middle school except for band and had him doing online school. Over the years we've integrated him back into public school, and now we're down to full time public school again. I must say that was the best decision we ever made! He couldn't function around the other kids, the noises, the lights, long days ect. It was just too much for him to handle. It was a sensory overload. When he was able to do his school work in a quiet familiar place at his own pace it made all the difference. We still struggle with the school system, and with teachers following the 504 to collect his homework from him, and make sure it's written down in his planner. I've gotten teachers that have said, well that's not age appropriate. HA! We pulled him out of that class. Just like childhood, there are teachers that don't know how to follow the rules and play nice. Look around for other alternatives. Main stream school isn't always a good fit for kids like ours, but there are so many alternatives. Just keep looking around until you find something that works for him. Good luck!
•    Anonymous said... My son is also 13 & has asperger syndrome we have had the same struggles iv he's gone through 2 mainstream primary schools that where rubbish & had no understanding or help for him but the 3rd one we put him to was fantastic he got so much help & support he is now in 2nd year of high school & still gets a lot of help & support they have a time out card for him if things get to much & a support unit within school if he's not coping & our doctor is great these things I have found have made a huge difference for him best of luck I'm here if you want a chat I know how hard it is x
•    Anonymous said... This is a response from an unacceptable situation for the child. It sounds like there is no adaptions for him at all in school, and in that case I'm not surprised at all that he acts the way he does. He is burnt out from trying so hard to be like others, but see he is NOT like others. Every sound, every energy flowing around, all the studies will eventually burn both ends of the candle. He needs a huge break, adapted school days(half school days, half weeks, private teaching. He should have had this long time ago. He is crying out for help. You need to be his biggest protector, his attorney, his supporter. Help him before he hits a deep depression. Schools and parents often expect aspies to adapt into the school system, but the school system have to be adapted to the aspie. He is a good kid, but right now he needs a break, a big one. Help him before he gets too hurt inside.
•    Anonymous said… Honestly believe those years are the toughest. Hopefully with a little more time and maturity things will get better. It has for us. Hang in there, Wish I could offer some other advice.
•    Anonymous said… I don't know what it's like where you live, but round here there's a lot of bullying, and most of the secondary schools seem to turn a blind eye to the bullying and punish the kids who retaliate, this made school impossible for my son who has an enormous sense of justice
•    Anonymous said… I empathize with your pain. Get an advocate and don't quit insisting that he needs additional services.
•    Anonymous said… Im sorry to hear your son is having a hard time at school. That is so stressful for us parents as well as him. Does his school have a learning suport department or a 'go to ' person that offrs him support at school?? My middle son 13 ASD. We have been really fortunate to have a fantastic learning support department at the secondary school which had extra orientation for the learning support kids on transitioning to highschool and who is his 'go to'people for any issues and also run special groups for the 'ls' kids on socialising/puberty/basically challenges in growing up. This does not mean all the teachers on class understand ASD. This can still be a huge challenge but have found open communication with email/school diary and the ls teachers helps try to bridge the gap. Don't get me wrong, we still have challenging weeks but They have been a great support for both our son and us as parents.
•    Anonymous said… My 5 yo is going through the same thing , I don't think they get the encouragement at school they need it always negative attention ! Once the teacher labels the child the class follows her lead , why not include my child why not welcome my child ?
•    Anonymous said… My 6yo told me yesterday night that he lashed out because of anxiety and fear. Sit down and talk to them. They trust you enough to tell you their true feeling.
•    Anonymous said… My child just got re-diagnosed with the exact same thing. 2 years ago thy said he was High functioning autistic, then we got him reevaluated and he has the same thing your son has as Aspergers, ODD AND ADHD. He has been getting in trouble in school everyday but his grades are good it's just he doesn't listen and gets aggressive with the children.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 15 (ASD high-functioning) very intelligent. Enroll in a private school from next year as classes are too big. He is on a light anti-depressant to help with the stress and anxiety. He was bullied last year, but we found out and dealt with it. I also know that some kids are very cruel and calling them names which hurt very much. Please find out if he's been bullying...does the school have a psychologist on premises? Do your kid use medication? Make sure that he taking his meds. Watch out for meltdowns...our kids are special, have the right to be here. They're minors and us parents must stand up for them, be their voice!!!! Speak to the psychologist, principal, but make noise. Don't allow your child to be targeted. Strongs!!!
•    Anonymous said… My son now is 11 is struggling in school all the time it is a challenge for kids now and days with stress and anxiety that they have he does good one week and bad the next you just need to find things to help him out in school small brakes , rewards , and a ton of patience I know it's frustrating but he is smart once he gets his mind to it and learns very fast. You have the right to have iep meeting ne time you need a behavior plan to take place as well ;)))
•    Anonymous said… Seems like there is another issue that is going on that he is not telling you about. My oldest (who just turned 18 today) would lash out and act out and I finally caught on that there was something wrong (this has always been her way but didn't realize why til recently) found out it was as simple as a life skill class scared her. She doesn't want to grow up and doesn't want to do things that most people do daily. Once we understood and got her to talk to us she has improved. Good luck
•    Anonymous said… The more that you spend time doing what he likes the more your son will open up to you. Don't give up. smile emoticon
•    Anonymous said… We went thru the same thing, now he is in a private school and doing awesome, mellowed out and it did get better like others are saying.

Post your comment below…

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

my son is 5 and has the same 3 diagnosis...plus ocd...he is the opposite, he will go to school and do his work but when it comes time to do his homework...we have issues..i really hope your son starts doing better....its hard i know

Anonymous said...

i feel like i'm reading about our own situation there. my son is 12 and has all issues mentioned. I've taken him out of school at the moment in the hope that i can get an IEP in place. it's very tough seeing bright young and intelligent kids shut down.

Anonymous said...

im not sure how long your child was suspended but i do now that they are not allowed to suspend an child with special needs for no longer then 10 days at a time and not longer then 15 total days in a year during the time the are suspended they must sent the child to another school for schooling i was not aware of this til my friend was in college and taking a college course on special needs. i have a sister who has autism, where at school she would talk when she wasnt to be, get out of her set, and disrupt the class among other problems at home we would have melt down when thing didnt go the way they were to go or she didnt get what she needed. we had an IEP with the school putting together a plan for her that we followed at home and at school. this plan came with an award system, which she does very good with, we started out with the small things she needed to do and each month we would add more items to the list of things she had to do to get the reward. she now goes through a whole week of school with out lossing her mouth (which means no talking) her hand (which means keeping them to herself) her ears (which means she listens) and her eyes ( which means she is paying attention) and at home she rarely has a meltdown. she has got a routine down and that was she has to go with. now her rewards are just simple stuff that she likes to do like being picked up one day a week from school instead of riding the bus if she does good that week or geting special time with just her and mommy or going to the park if its nice. i would be more then happy to give you some other insights just email me at chefsissy2001@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

that is my daughter.. no issues in school but home, some days I just want to scream about that. If only we could divide up the behavior between home and school. I feel like she would get more help if they only saw half of what I do. :/

Anonymous said...

I can't speak enough about how critical it is to fight for every bit of support that will lead to success for your child. I have a 6 year old son with Asperger's . Even though I serve on my local school board. My wife and I still had to advocate hard for our son. The key was convincing the team that if we could address his needs early and if everyone understood his diagnosis and needs, then we could turn this into a win. I am happy to say my son has great support in school and our teamwork pays off at home as well. 99% of the time we have great days and that makes the 1% off days (because life happens) acceptable and tolerable. You CAN do this! You can create success for your child!

Anonymous said...

My son is also 10, diagnosed at 7 with Aspergers plus ADHD, anxiety and OCD. My son hates school , but I have found he does ok as long as the teacher/team has a good understanding of why he reacts in certain ways. Maybe your son is not in the right class or even school for him...... All I can say is you need to be his biggest advocate. Don't accept something if you know it should be different.

Anonymous said...

You should talk to the teacher and first find out what the problem is in the class room (maybe its the teacher)and take it from there .

Anonymous said...

Sadly, this is the same problem my son had from 1st to 8th grade. He finally started getting appropriate support in 9th grade. He's in 10th grade now and is doing much better. We have many difficult days but we are working through them.

Cheryl said...

My take on the situation is totally different. I have a 3rd grader with Aspergers and also very intelligent. My guess is that you have an additional diagnosis that needs to be addressed in the IEP--giftedness.

Make sure the IEP team addresses things in the classroom in a positive way--give positive consequences. Negative consequences rarely work with Aspies.

My child won't complete his schoolwork but aces his tests. My brother did the same thing (also has Aspergers). If that's the case for your son, have the teachers create a self-checklist where he records how many he completes out of the # total. Start by giving rewards for completing 50%. Then give rewards for completing 60% and so on.

Email me at moonwaxing@att.net if you want more info about the self-checklist and about the reward system that we setup at home (because the school has yet to implement a reward system--I have called an IEP meeting!).

Anonymous said...

Also, work with the child to realize that sometimes things are not the way we like them, but we don't always get to choose. I am a big advocate for my 12 year old son when it comes to repititive assignments and homework overload on subjects he knows well, but I will take privileges away for not turning in homework that is due, not listening to the teacher, and also would do so if he was disrespectful. Living with AS may not be easy, but it also shouldn't be the crutch used to get away with bad behavior. I don't get to adapt my whole work life just because I don't want to do something. All kids should learn this message. Even if it isn't the fun message. On a positive note -work with your son to see if he just needs more challenging work, Look for GT classes not just the normally daily load. Have teachers adjust assignments to his interests. For our son early on was that he could read about trains and all writing could be about trains. The purpose wasn't the topic, but to get him to read and write. That helped alot. The kids who hated to write in 2nd grade is now in 7th and is working on a huge chapter book on his own.

Cheryl said...

Your situation has really been on my thoughts. I feel for you.

It occurred to me that you both need a break from the pressure. Take some time to just love on your child and not talk about schoolwork and homework. You can't get your child to "follow the rules" if you don't have a relationship first.

Anonymous said...

...ahhh the battle with school. Find out what changed and help him to accept it and make it his own. He may hate a change of seating or maybe they started working in groups. Call a meeting and lay down what is acceptable from the teachers and let them know what to expect from your child. My son was coming home stressed and started developing new tics. I was convinced it was the constant scrutiny and attention to his behavior. [his IEP had a behavior chart filled out every day, by every teacher]
I called a meeting to end the assessments [because over X-mas vacation we had managed to eliminate all of the tics]. We couldn't do away with the behavior charts because they were involved in his IEP, but I was able to convey to the teachers the importance of changing their approach to my son about them. Now he knows [because all of us are on the same page] that they are used for the grown ups so we can collect info in order to help the instructors to understand him, that they are not criticism and he can carry on being a good student with no worries about what the yellow sheet says.

Anonymous said...

I'm also a single working mom, with a son that was diagnosed with Asperger's a couple of years ago. One of his teachers was great-- she had an extra desk (his office) that he could use when either he was being disruptive, or when he needed to get away from the bustle of the other students. However -- his other teachers were not nearly so creative. He started getting bullied. He started shutting down at school. I went through the IEP process with the school but they did not follow through with the accomidations they had agreed to. Most of the meetings with them were focused on how they did not like how I was as a parent. Being the only one in the room on my side was hard. I now have him in an online school which is going pretty good. They set up the curriculum so it isn't as much work as some home school programs. I can see what he has done and what he hasn't -- so no more of him playing his teachers and I off each other. I can also make him work on the areas that he is weak in, since as his mom I know what motivates him. And most importantly he likes the format. Do an IEP with the current school -- but if possible try to have someone come along with you (I wish I had had someone.) If you move to a different type of school the existing IEP will help them get his school year off to a good start.

Anonymous said...

An IEP for school is a must. An IEP will determine what services the school offers your child according to their needs (OT, Speech, & other assistance). This is how we handle school & our 5 yr old ASD/OCD child: IEP & we're involved after the IEP is in place - ask for bi-weekly or monthly progress reports from the teachers, OT, Speech Therapists, etc. This will ensure your child's needs are met throughout the school year & not just the first few weeks of school. Meet w/all teachers & therapists to discuss specific sensitive issues that your child deals with (sounds, crowds, sudden changes, routines, etc.) This will help everyone involved know your child's specific melt-down detinators. Lastly, perform some simple therapies on your child before leaving for school... (back rubs, joint compressions, weighted vests, rolled in a tight blanket, etc.) do what your child loves & makes him/her feel good & relaxed. Each child is different & their preference may change as they get older, you'll have to adjust to their needs & preferences. We also see an OT (private) for 1 hr/week outside of school as the time allotted for OT in school is not sufficient for our son. Also, ask your OT about PCIT (Parent Child Interactive Therapy). It's made a huge positive impact with us & our son!! Good luck to all the kids this year!!!

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the Aspergers child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually. Thus, the best treatment for Aspergers children and teens is, without a doubt, “social skills training.”

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Aspergers Children

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and the Asperger’s child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Aspergers Teens

Although Aspergers is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager with Aspergers are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the Aspergers teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Aspergers Children “Block-Out” Their Emotions

Parenting children with Aspergers and HFA can be a daunting task. In layman’s terms, Aspergers is a developmental disability that affects the way children develop and understand the world around them, and is directly linked to their senses and sensory processing. This means they often use certain behaviors to block out their emotions or response to pain.

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Older Teens and Young Adult Children With Aspergers Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with Aspergers face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

Living with an Aspergers Spouse/Partner

Research reveals that the divorce rate for people with Aspergers is around 80%. Why so high!? The answer may be found in how the symptoms of Aspergers affect intimate relationships. People with Aspergers often find it difficult to understand others and express themselves. They may seem to lose interest in people over time, appear aloof, and are often mistaken as self-centered, vain individuals.

Click here to read the full article…

Online Parent Coaching for Parents of Asperger's Children

If you’re the parent of a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism, you know it can be a struggle from time to time. Your child may be experiencing: obsessive routines; problems coping in social situations; intense tantrums and meltdowns; over-sensitivity to sounds, tastes, smells and sights; preoccupation with one subject of interest; and being overwhelmed by even the smallest of changes. The hardest part is you feel like you’ll never actually get to know your child and how he/she views the world.

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