Question
How do you get teenagers with Aspergers to recognize that the social skills that you are trying to teach them (often to no avail) are imperative if they are to get on in life with regard to finding friends, a job etc.? Kids with Aspergers often seem in such a world of their own that they cannot appreciate the importance of those social skills. In our case, we have an adolescent who thinks that they are always right anyway and so see no need to modify their behavior.
Answer
The teen years can be a trying time for moms and dads and kids alike. As moms and dads, we know that our adolescents have a lot of growing up to do. As adolescents, our kids cannot figure out how we made it to adulthood with so little knowledge and understanding! The truth is, these years bring about difficult adjustments on both parties, and this happens whether or not you are dealing with Aspergers.
Adolescents with Aspergers have lived through the elementary and middle school years and have struggled with social skills weaknesses all along. Through years of classroom experiences, a social base has been built. It may not be strong but it is there. All you have to do is find a way to add to it. The same is true for basic living skills. Here are some suggestions you may find helpful.
• Find resources to help you choose appropriate tasks/skills for your adolescent. You can find books that are geared towards adolescents with Aspergers. These books highlight the skills needed that may not come naturally.
• Instead of pushing your adolescent to recognize his need for these social and basic living skills, try building them into his daily schedule. As the parent, you can require his participation in daily chores, personal hygiene, and even part-time employment.
• Reinforce your chore/responsibility requirements with rewards and consequences. Be consistent.
• Use calendars, written schedules, and visual daily lists to plan your adolescent’s daily commitments. While it is true he may not appreciate having chores and planned responsibilities, chances are he will become accepting when faced with negative consequences.
Sometimes moms and dads have to find sneaky ways to teach their kids. It sounds like this may be one of those times in your home. One of the most effective ways to accomplish this is to bring in another trusted adult. Involving a favorite teacher, a relative, church leader, or coach may help your adolescent see that these skills you have been pushing are indeed very important.
Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens
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5 comments:
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
In the middle of a meltdown my son told me, "mom it's your fault I don't have any friends. You gave me this". I had to DEFINE what a friend was and point out the people in his life that are his friends. Never dawned on me that he didn't know what a "friend" is! Then I told him a mother loves her child soooo much. They would never GIVE them something that made their life difficult but even though he has aspegers; if there was a cure tomorrow I wouldn't change a thing because it's part of WHO he is not what he is and he's delightful.
...and what to you do when a teen blames all of their frustrations on the Mom that is trying to support them?
Ignore it! It's not unusual for parents to be blamed by their Aspergers children for all that's gone wrong in the child's life. It's much easier to blame one's parents than to take any ownership of one's problems.
My son is only 10 & has been this way for the last four years with me, blaming me for everything he does wrong. His father, my ex-husband, walks on water in his mind, which is so hurtful to me. Unfortunately, his father also has Aspergers so he "relates" to my son better then I do, so my ex tells me....it just kills me to watch my son acting like dad who has been through 5 marriages and has no true friendships. I just want him to see that this is not how life has to be. He so desperately needs the social skills as he treats people like his father does, with very little respect. :(
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