One of the most pervasive myths that surround Aspergers is that a child who has it will never show affection and can’t accept getting affection from anyone. There have been hundreds of stories of parents taking their child to a psychologist and the doctor telling the parents something like, "Your child can’t possibly have an Autism Spectrum Disorder because he gives you a hug now and then."
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19 comments:
My 9 y.o daughter does not like being hugged or cuddled and does not like holding hands....I love her and respect her for the way she feels but as her mother I wish I could hold her more!!!
Most Aspies also have sensory issues, including but not limited to sensory integration disorder, or sensory deprivation. Their skin is so heightened and sensitive to touch and texture, but it goes beyond that. Bright lights, loud noises, food textures, etc. My son had a very hard time with sensory disorder, but thanks to therapy, I can now hug him, he can wear clothes he couldn't wear before, can do to a circus without noise-blocking earmuffs, etc. He still has a hard time with the humming in fluorescent lighting though. You can't hear it? Yeah, me neither.
That sounds exactly like my daughter. She's 15 now & I honestly can't tell you the last time she showed any affection. It will be interesting to see if she can hold a loving relationship. Something tells me she's going to have a long unloved life. She doesn't even want to have any close friends preferring to be on her own. As she tells me 'if I'm on my own I can't wind anyone up & no one can wind me up'. I really feel for her.
My aspie son is the opposite. Sometimes it's too warm out and he still wants to be hugged. He tends to get into other kids faces too much and then they turn him away which he doesn't seem to understand those personal boundaries.
My 4 y.o son is a mixture. He doesn't like interacting with other kids at daycare and when he hugs he usually turns around so you are hugging him from the back but he also likes to be carried, and swung, and can show spontaneous affection by wanting to kiss. Usually contact is on his terms and no one elses.
sounds a lot like my son, only he hugs from the side, never face to face. He likes interacting with the kids at school, but once he gets home, that's it. He likes to be alone. Almost like all that interacting at school wears him out, or overwhelms him. He doesn't like to go anywhere after school either. If he comes him and I tell him we're going out to eat or to WalMart, or even to Dairy Queen for a cone, he becomes highly upset. He's been away from home all day and this is HOME time.
it's not about a lack of affection - it truly is about sensory processing's, overload/stimulation, it just doesn't feel good to them. gentle touch may actually be more "painful" and deep pressure may feel better. Squishing them in a beanbag chair or laying on top of them (safely!), or letting them sit on your lap w/o you touching, caressing them may be tolerable. Try different things and learn to accept other forms of expressing love. maybe a high five or knuckle-to-knuckle bump instead of a kiss or snuggle? Working with an OT (make sure they are a caring/loving soul) may help with the touch issues eventually too.
My 9 year old aspies son is very affectionate even with his brothers but has his moments when he wants to be alone but he also has trouble with understanding person space. It has taken alot of work for me as I struggle with bipolar disorder and ADD. Our biggest struggle still with him is his destructive behavior which he is teaching his two younger brother, anyone know how I can help him to respect his surroundings and belongings.
as my son gets older, we have started doing a lot of high-fiving and knuckle-bumping. He does prefer that to hugging the older he gets. But then, that's true of just about any pre-teen nowadays (he's 12). Ha.
My son is 8 doesn't mind being touched by me or his mum but no one else and never gives eye contact while talking to anyone
My 11 year old doesn't like kisses or hugs and when I tell him I love him he doesn't say it back. I really have spoiled my 6 yr old because of this he always tells me he loves me and wants hugs & kisses and I eat it up because for 5 yrs I had a kid who didn't show any affection. @ Scott my son doesn't give eye contact and the older folks in my family don't understand it. It seems that as he gets older he's less affectionate.
My son is the opposite as long as it is in private he loves being cuddled apart from when he's going to sleep but when he gets in with me he will cuddle me until he wakes back up. I didn't have. A diagnosis until 7 and has always been cuddly with him and like a previous poster the prob at school is he invade people's personal space when attached to the friendship with the child.
My son LOVES to hug and cuddle (he is 12..almost 13) no matter the weather.. Just don't give him pressure on the top of his head... He hates that being touched.
My 5 year old daughter loves being affectionate, if it's on her terms. When most family members approach her for a hug or kiss she refuses unless she's asked first. She also has a very cute what I would describe as ritual anytime I drop her off somewhere or put her to bed. She has to have a kiss first, then an Eskimo kiss, then a butterfly kiss. It has to be in that order and if she feels it wasn't done properly she has to start over. If you don't do this it would lead to a meltdown. But, she hates having her head touched, especially hair brushing. She flips every time. Maybe asking him permission first might help...
9 hours ago via mobile · Like
I finally figured this out when our 2nd son was born. Our aspie, age 5 at the time, would hug him so tight we thought he would hurt him. After learning about the sensory difficulties associated with Aspergers, we realized that's how a hug FELT to him! If you tapped him he would HIT you... that's how it felt to him! Aspie apple doesn't fall far from the tree; I really don't like to be touched either. I make the effort for the sake of my husband and children, but I'm an adult and realize what's going on and have "trained" myself?
8 hours ago · Like
My 14 year old son is usually the one who initiates a hug or any other show of affection. I've learned to approach him on his terms, and if he feels like a hug, he'll do it, if not, he usually smiles. I do agree the key is to go by their cues and not your own. But he definitely does show affection, just a little differently than most would.
There are other ways to show affection. It doesn't have to be through physical touch.
I was like this as child, im an adult now. i couldnt bare the thought of physical affaction. When i think back, i had an immens love for my family, and i guess i didnt have the same needs as my family did, for showing physical affaction, it was something i could feel deeply, her love for me, so i didnt need the physical affection. And i remember physical contact as intrusive. I started being able to recieve and show affaction as i got a little older (15-17ish around the time i started smoking weed lol), still having hard times saying i love you to my mom. "text no problem, saying it face to face, only did it once" but hugging is no problem anymore :)
The other day when i told my mother i loved herfor the first time she broke down in tears, honestly i had no idea it ment so much to hear i thought she could feel my love as i could her, but i was wrong.
I think some aspergers feels deeply, so they does not need the physical affection they can feel the feelings you feel. this is from own experiences. On the other hand some have a hard time telling what other people feel and their boundrys.
I am not comftorble calling myself an aspergers as i feel all the diffrent labels in our society does nothing but limit us and tell us what we cant do instead of what we are awesome at.
I hope you can use this for something,
Have a great day! Love you all :)
This is weird,because my 7 years old loves to be hug. He won't mind hugging you 50 times a day, that I have to sometime stop him.
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