Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorders


Building Self-Esteem in Aspergers Children

"My Aspie is often very critical of himself. He will make statements like, 'I'm dumb' or 'I can't do anything right.' How can I help him feel better about himself so that he stops putting himself down all the time?"

Many children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism struggle to accomplish tasks of daily life that are relatively easy for other children. While they may not show it in the same ways as other children, Aspergers kids struggle with self-esteem issues as much or more than kids without Aspergers.

Aspiers often don’t respond to things like verbal praise or hugs, but they can build self-esteem in other ways. One way to build self-esteem is to use a sticker system. Use a board that lists your child’s tasks (e.g., brushing teeth, dressing, eating meals, etc.) and help your child put stickers on the board whenever he or she is successful in completing a task.

Another way to build self-esteem is to use a reward system that involves being able to do a preferred activity when the child is successful at something (e.g., reading a preferred book, doing a preferred activity, etc.). This works best when the child can link a successful task to the reward system.

Even though children with Aspergers don’t often respond to the same kinds of praise as other children, giving praise is a natural thing for parents to do. Praise, when given as part of the completion of a task, may still increase self-esteem if it comes from a familiar person who they have come to trust. It becomes not the praise itself, but the person from whom it comes that is the reward.

Children on the spectrum don’t look like they need "self-esteem building" at times, but in fact, they do! Parents need to find ways to teach their child that he or she is successful at what they do.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook


•    Anonymous said... a lot of times my boy will say "all parents say nice- stuff about their kids" It's hard to cut thru the lack of acceptance of his peers...
•    Anonymous said... Camp Kodiak!! I worked there for ten years and they do an awesome job of giving the kids the chance to be successful and that goes a looooong way to building up their resilience for life (aka the school year!!)
•    Anonymous said... everytime I try to correct her.......
•    Anonymous said... Give him constant feedback on how well he did a task, or when he achieves something. My aspie sometimes says "you know I'm stupid" and I have to remind him how bright he is. Lots of hugs help too!
•    Anonymous said... I tell my 8 year old daughter "A professional was once a beginner. Don't give up!"
•    Anonymous said... If our son get frustrated - he will hit his head and say "my stupid brain"
•    Anonymous said... It is SO heartbreaking to hear my son say things like this. We've been to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it's helped some. What I've learned is that it's really important to point out the good things as they happen. "Wow! I really like how you..." or "You're really good at..."
•    Anonymous said... I've heard this from my son as well. Usually, it's in response to something that was said to him that hurts his feelings (even though that was not the intent by the person saying it). When I've been the cause (or another member of the family), I make sure to take the time to explain to him the real meaning of what was said so he understands it wasn't to harm him. Of course that doesn't work in school - he seems to always take things in a way that wasn't meant so it's hard. Hang in there!
•    Anonymous said... my child does that too especially when she was in school, not so much now as she doesent have to compare herself to anyone
•    Anonymous said... My eldest did that and we made a rewards board in his room, any certificates, merit awards ribbons that he got at school at sports, even if it is just to say he played as part of a team, went up on it and that way he could visually see that he was an achiever.
•    Anonymous said... Ours always says things like "Awww man why do I always forget!"
•    Anonymous said... Thank you thank you so much for always posting timely, relevant articles - they mean so much to us, trying to help our children!
•    Anonymous said... we do a wow book each day what good thing happened to me today. What did I do well. No negatives. Lots of positive praise.

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Anonymous said...

I point out the things he can do that I can't. We all have our strengths and weakness'. But a weakness can be worked on!

Anonymous said...

My son struggles with this as well. I have to really make sure to point out what he is good at and make a big deal about it. It is so hard to hear them say things like that about themself. We are also getting him more involved in making decisions when it comes to certain things so that he feels more empowerment and also giving him more 'jobs' around the house and at our place of business.

Anonymous said...

That's a great tip. I will do that with my daughter.

Anonymous said...

My 6 year old does this same thing and we found through play therapy that he was angry and didn't know how to express it. Our play therapist has been great for my sons emotion recognition and self confidence

Anonymous said...

Great question, thanks for the post. It is always amazing to me what same things our kids have in common.

Internomad said...

I make it more indirect, I include praise about the child when I know that they are listening, I also ask the child to help me in the areas that he is good in, I don't lay the praise on too thick but I make sure I have his eye contact and squeeze his shoulder at the same time, only when he really deserves it so that he knows it not shallow praise, these guys see straight through that

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the Aspergers child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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How to Prevent Meltdowns in Aspergers Children

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and the Asperger’s child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Parenting Defiant Aspergers Teens

Although Aspergers is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager with Aspergers are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the Aspergers teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Aspergers Children “Block-Out” Their Emotions

Parenting children with Aspergers and HFA can be a daunting task. In layman’s terms, Aspergers is a developmental disability that affects the way children develop and understand the world around them, and is directly linked to their senses and sensory processing. This means they often use certain behaviors to block out their emotions or response to pain.

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Older Teens and Young Adult Children With Aspergers Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with Aspergers face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Living with an Aspergers Spouse/Partner

Research reveals that the divorce rate for people with Aspergers is around 80%. Why so high!? The answer may be found in how the symptoms of Aspergers affect intimate relationships. People with Aspergers often find it difficult to understand others and express themselves. They may seem to lose interest in people over time, appear aloof, and are often mistaken as self-centered, vain individuals.

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Online Parent Coaching for Parents of Asperger's Children

If you’re the parent of a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism, you know it can be a struggle from time to time. Your child may be experiencing: obsessive routines; problems coping in social situations; intense tantrums and meltdowns; over-sensitivity to sounds, tastes, smells and sights; preoccupation with one subject of interest; and being overwhelmed by even the smallest of changes.

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Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Parents, teachers, and the general public have a lot of misconceptions of Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism. Many myths abound, and the lack of knowledge is both disturbing and harmful to kids and teens who struggle with the disorder.

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Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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