Asperger’s child in the teenage years...

I would like to know what to expect from an Asperger’s child in the teenage years. My son was diagnosed 6 years ago. I know they say that they can suffer from this and that, but what is the long term goal, what can we expect, what not to expect?

Young people with Asperger’s Syndrome often have a difficult time between the ages of 12 and 19. They may be socially excluded and face rejection by their peers if they act differently from others. They want to be accepted and liked, but often don’t know how to behave and communicate appropriately. School is demanding and they long for friends. The goal for your Asperger’s child is to make it through the teen years with: his self-esteem intact, at least a friend or two, knowledge that his family loves him, and a high school diploma.

There are some teens that manage to navigate these years successfully because they don’t care about peer pressure and focus on a special interest of their own, such as chess or computers. So, encouraging your son to develop a special interest may help him at this time of life. A special interest may encourage friendships with other teens that have the same interest as well, making it easier to talk to and make friends with others.

A big problem for Asperger’s teens is that often they don’t care about fads, clothing, celebrities, and teen communication devices such as cell phones or MySpace. Your son’s interests may be more appropriate for younger children. Boys may be rejected if they are not interested in sports. Some of these issues can be resolved.

Help your son become aware of teen fads and how to talk about sports, celebrities, rituals, and school events. Encourage him to leave phone messages for and arrange social engagements with peers. Perhaps he could join school clubs, especially those that focus on his special interest. Explain to your teen that he does not have to tell everyone that he has Asperger’s. Your son may enjoy talking with other Asperger’s teens in internet chat rooms.

Your son may ignore personal hygiene and wear clothes and a hair cut that are not in style. Find a same sex friend who will help your teen choose appropriate clothes to wear. Monitor your teen’s hygiene and create reminder notes or charts for him about daily bathing, tooth brushing, etc. Reward him for good hygiene, if that’s what it takes!

“Aspie” teens are sometimes not very well-informed about sex and dating. Boys may be very naïve or too forward with girls. Hormones cause rampant emotions, which Aspie teens can’t handle. If they get angry, they may physically attack others or have a “melt down.”

You must teach your teen about sex. Provide books for him to read. Choose books that aren’t overly “clinical.” Be specific and detailed about safe sex. Never be judgmental or punish him when he confides in you; counsel him. Boys need to be told that masturbating should take place only at home, in private. Aspies often respond to “rules” by obeying them. Establish some rules for your son, such as: “We have a rule in our house that teenagers should not have sex because they are too young to handle the emotions and problems that may occur.”

Some Aspie teens develop problems with drugs and alcohol because they are eager to do what other teens do. They are not able to determine a “good” crowd from a “bad” crowd. Other teens may take advantage of your son’s eagerness to be liked and convince him to buy and/or take alcohol or drugs. You must always know where your son is, who he is with, what they are supposed to be doing, and the characters of the other teens he hangs around. Emphasize that drugs and alcohol are illegal. Since Aspies are rule-oriented, this may help your son avoid problems.

Asperger’s teens may have school problems because of the difficulty in dealing with more than one teacher. Each classroom is a different environment which is confusing. Some teachers may be hostile. Some assignments may be overwhelming. Keep in close touch with your son’s teachers. A placement into Special Education may be necessary when an Aspie teen enters middle school. Some Aspies need special classes even though they didn’t before. Make sure your son has a “safe place” at school where he can share emotions with a teacher, nurse, guidance counsellor, or psychologist. If your son experiences harassment and/or rejection at school and the staff does not help, a special education placement or a therapeutic boarding school can give professionals a chance to assist your teen academically and socially.

Suicide may become a possibility for some teens with Asperger’s. If you have any worries about this, get help immediately from a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Use reasoning and negotiation with your son, instead of orders. If possible, give him two choices rather than telling him what he must do in a situation. He will have more control over his life and feel less resentment. He will be less likely to listen to you (like all teens!) at this age and may exhibit anger and impatience. He may hate school and resist everything you want him to do. Depression is common. If these problems occur, your son may need counselling.

Most Aspies learn to drive successfully because they obey the rules! Have your son carry a cell phone and a card that explains Asperger’s. Teach him to call you in a crisis and to give the card to any police officer who stops him or her. Role play with him so he knows what to do and say if stopped by an officer.

Some Aspies do well in summer jobs in an area of special interest or with little contact with the public. Occupational therapy will help your son get ready for adulthood. Special programs are available that teach job and living skills. This will reduce his dependence on you.

Above all, ask for help from professionals when you or your son need it.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed With Aspergers Syndrome.