I feel blessed to have stumbled on your web site. I’m a clinical
psychologist who offers 1:1 as well as group therapy for children on the
Spectrum. Thank you for the terrific resources you’ve offered. I am wondering if
I would be able to buy DVDs of these video resources. Please let me know how I
can obtain these videos so I can use them with my clients.
Thanks heaps.
Good Morning all the way from Dorset UK,
It's by pure chance that I have come across the web page promoting your
Ebook about Disciplining Teenagers with Autism/Aspergers.
Out of pure Desperation which is close to breaking my family up I got up
early this morning and thought "Right no one at my sons Sp Nds school"
is taking us seriously, I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF NOW!!!
Our son is 14yrs old (15 next month). He has "Aspergers, Social
Communication Disorder & Learning difficulties". He has been in
Special Needs Education since the age of 6. He's been at his current
school for 2yrs. He is a very bright boy, very good memory, clued up in
Computers but extremely Bored at school.
At Home His behaviour has got really out of hand is very rude to my
partner & I, doesn't listen to anything we ask of him or say. Even
shouts at us when we check on him in his bedroom to see if he's ok. He
is disrespectful to us, refuses to help around the house, never wants to
go out and has missed ALOT of school.
His Special Needs School covers mild to moderate Disabilities and ASD.
When my son started there he had a Fantastic teacher who was very keen
in getting the Best out of him, very motivating and always encouraging
him and our son Thrived and never complained about going to school. He
Loved it. But now he has a different Teacher (now in his 2nd year with
this teacher), who does not have that same Drive and enthusiasm in him,
there is a massive lack of encouragement from this teacher and it shows
in my sons change of behaviour, hates going to school and is not being
Academically stretched. He is one of the Brightest in his Class and in
nis school and is extremely bored. He does not want to be there.
He has missed 3 weeks of school right now (over and above other weeks
that he has not gone to school because he does not want to be there).
His school attendance is now only 50% and were on the verge of getting
into serious trouble for his attendance ( even though the school are
aware of the situation).
I really wish I had found your Ebook ALOT sooner as I fear it might be a
bit late (although I will definitely try). I am desperate for help but
battling with lack of support and understanding from his school as he
has always been very well mannered and behaved at school, so they don't
seem to believe us and the seriousness of this situation right now.
He is depressed, anti life, has threatened suicide, is starting to
behave physically abusive towards me (as in - grabbing my wrists,
pushing me around and has even held a knife up at me). He does not think
is behaviour is unacceptable and when i confront him and tell him I'm
sick of the way he treats us, he says "I don't care and there's nothing
you can do about it". He hates going out the house and just stays in his
room. He is a big built lad and we cannot physically force him to go
out or get him into the car to go to school. One consolation is that he
is a Homely boy and does not venture out into the streets which I am
Greatful for, as I would actually be worried that because he so badly
needs a good friend, I think he would be vulnerable and if he made
friends with the wrong person, could be easily led astray. So for that
part of him - I'm grateful he does not venture on the streets (as most
British youngsters do).
All this Behaviour is a big Shock to us as he has been well brought up
with good Manners & Discipline and he has always been a lovely child
and affectionate. He has a good home life with all the creature
comforts and has never gone without (but at the same time has never
demanded pocket money or to be spoilt).
I feel he needs to see a Child Psychologist and if I had the means to get on a plane and see you Privately I think I would lol!
I didn't plan to sit and write you this long email, but I guess reading
through your page and snippets of your Ebook which I'm about to buy, I
guess for the first time as I've typed this out..... It's all just
flowed.
Your advice from what I've seen looks fantastic and I so badly wish I'd
seen this at least a year ago, I'm sure we wouldn't be in this bleak
situation right now.
From your knowledge & experience is there anything you suggest
regarding how to deal with our son right now? I'm on the verge of
seeking Respite for him which is something I do not really want to have
to do.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to reading your Ebook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question:
Hi Mark,
I just ordered your book Teaching Social Skills and Emotion
Management to Aspergers Children online. My almost 12 year old son (6th
grade) has not been “officially” diagnosed with Asperger’s, but has many of the
traits. He does well academically but struggles
socially. He has flown under the radar
at school because he does well academically, but after a move this past year
from WA to AZ and attending a new school, the change was too much for him. He was being bullied and it was terrible for
us both. I am now online homeschooling him as well as teaching preschool 5 days
a week. I’m exhausted. Our son (Kaleb)
was adopted at birth and was drug exposed but had no developmental delays. Being in the field of Early Childhood Development,
I could see he was “different” in the preschool years, but until about a year
ago, Asperger’s wasn’t even on my radar as what may be going on. I had a talk with the teacher, counselor and principal
at the school here last year (at my request)
They each did an assessment and had me answer one as well (for being on
the “spectrum”) Kaleb came out smack dab
in the middle as a “possibility” not a
definitive yes or no. He is very high functioning and at 3rd grade
was reading at an 11th grade level. His fine motor skills are
terrible. He talks excessively (very
articulate). Has no spacial boundaries. Baggers and asks repetitive
questions…etc. Relentless! “Too much” for his friends. He can make
them as he is very social, but
has a hard time maintaining them because he is a high maintenance kid.
This is very hard for him and heartbreaking
as his mom. He is lonely and wants
friendships so much, but can’t figure out how to navigate them.
Definitely not
flat toned or undemonstrative however. Never was one to be touched too
much but
is very affectionate with us when he chooses to be. Is very sensitive to
loud
sounds (although he plays the drums)
What’s that about? Sensitive to smells, very picky eater. Was diagnosed
with fructose malabsorption and
has tummy problems. This is a quick snapshot of my son.
My question…. How important is it that Kaleb knows or believes
he has Aspergers? I have talked to him
about it, but he gets very upset at the mention of it. I think the thought of being labeled or
having something “wrong” with him is yet another added stressor for him. How should I handle this? How important is it
that we get an “official” diagnosis? My sister
and niece who are both nurses believe he has Asperger’s as well. I’m not sure taking him for testing would be
worth the stress between Kaleb and me. He already tells me he knows he is
different.
A
couple of years ago I read The Rules of Friendship and
made flash cards for him to look at on how to be a good friend. He was
not happy about it. How do I help him while not making him feel
even worse about himself? Much of this may be covered in your book
which
I just downloaded and am looking forward to reading. Just wanted a
quick answer the question
above. Sorry for the length of the
message. Thanks Mark!
My bias is that it is better to know than not
to know. If you have Aspergers and don’t know, it affects you anyway; if you do
know, you can minimize the negative impact and leverage the
positive. Without the knowledge that one has Aspergers, one often fills that
void with other, more damaging explanations such as failure, weird,
disappointment, not living up to one’s potential, etc.
Tell your son by focusing on strengths! Most people with
Aspergers have significant areas of strength (even if this has not been
translatable into tangible success yet). Bring up areas of strength. Next, tactfully point out the areas in which he is
struggling. Then, suggest that there is a name for that confusing
combination of strengths and challenges, and it may be Aspergers.
There's
nothing wrong with having it - it's just a different way of thinking...
just like there's nothing wrong with German, it's just a different way
of speaking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am the parent (adoptive parent) of an 18-year-old make, high
school senior, who I only learned had ANY type of autism diagnosis
(about a year ago). He is just completing testing for other
impacting factors on that diagnosis. FAS and developmental disability
are two that are already there.
We live in a small town,
there may be 200 students in the entire high school. He wants to date,
but the girls who want to "date" him, are freshmen who are 14 years
old. We are in the middle of a major issue about that--since he
couldn't understand what the problem was, at first. They invite him
to school functions, and I have had to say no, you may not, which has
left him basically--well more than a little angry with both mom and his life.
He
also doesn't want anyone to THINK he has any 'problems' when it is
obvious to MOST people there is "something" not quite right. His social interaction has been limited or nonexistent all of his life.
So,
I stumbled across this site tonight, and was thinking this would be a
good site for him...he's not overly chatty with adults, but chats it
up with younger people. HOWEVER, because there are younger teenagers
on this site, would it or would it NOT be a safe site to introduce into his life?
He is tired of being lonely, wants to hang out with his friends, but there are none who really want to hang out with him who are his
age. I can monitor, but I would not want him talking to the 13-14 year
olds here, if they were to be interested in talking with him. WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND? Is there ANYTHING?
Just a mom who is looking for answers and help for a pretty great kid who needs appropriate friends!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question:
“My daughter is 14 and I bought your e-book and cds and so far they
have been a great help. My husband Terry and I would like to know what to do
about grades being all F and being homeschooled. I know what you said
about grades but Terry thinks she should be homeschooled even though she used
to get good grades in public school but was taken out due to lies about staying
after school then going to her boyfriends to have sex at the age of thirteen
and since then she has run away twice and has no self-respect for herself. What
can we do?”
Answer:
In short, I am a proponent for
home-schooling – in certain situations. Home-schooling is a popular educational
alternative for many families with defiant children, especially if parents are
tired of nagging school officials to accommodate their child. However, there
are some important issues to consider before making the decision to
home-school. If you're considering this option, ask yourself the following
questions:
1. Are you ready for the critics? Home-schooling has come a long way in terms
of acceptance by the general public, but home-schooling skeptics still exist.
Thick skin, regarding the opinions of others is a helpful attribute of
home-schooling moms and dads.
2. Can you afford it? Home-schooling can be done on a shoestring budget when
necessary, but there will likely be at least some cost associated with
home-schooling. For most families, the decision to home-school also results in
limited income potential for the primary home-schooling mother or father.
3. Do you have the disciplinary techniques to home-school? Home-schooling moms
and dads aren't perfect, but a certain level of discipline is necessary in
order for home-schooling to be successful. It's important to evaluate your
current level of discipline, both as an individual and as a parent before
making the decision to home-school.
4. How do both parents feel about home-schooling? Although it is possible to
home-school if only one of the parents believes in home-schooling, it can be
very difficult to home-school on a long-term basis without approval and support
from the youngster's other parent.
5. How will you arrange to meet your youngster's socialization needs? Does your
youngster have opportunities to play and learn with other kids in the
neighborhood and church? Are there opportunities in your area for scouting,
sports, and get-togethers with other home-schoolers?
6. What are the home-schooling laws in your state? Home-schooling laws vary
from state to state. For example, some states require the home-schooling parent
to have a level of education.
7. Why do you want to home-school your child? It's important to know your
reasons for deciding to home-school so that when doubts about home-schooling
arise, you can remind yourself why you wanted to home-school in the first
place. You may even find it helpful to write your reasons for home-schooling
down, so that on the worst of days, you'll have something to look to for
encouragement and motivation.
Carefully thinking through the above questions will help you determine whether
or not home-schooling is right for you.
Another part of the decision-making process would be to look at the potential
disadvantages of home-schooling. Here are the main ones (typically):
1. Parental burn-out: You have to know ahead of time that there will be a lot
of frustration coming from the child when you are covering hard subjects, and
that when they get flustered, you can't allow yourself to do the same. It is
important that you are able to separate at times the role of parent and
educator, because you will have to be there for your youngster in a different
manner in times like these.
2. Lacking the knowledge to teach effectively: You can't take it out on
yourself if a subject is slightly more difficult to teach than the next one.
Textbooks are out there which have been designed to teach straight from them,
and acquiring them can remove some of the stigma from difficult subjects like
Science or Math. The key is that you have to know that you may need to spend
some time with a particular subject so you can get to the point where you can
“teach” that subject. Also, you need to know that you will be teaching
year-round, and that it really is going to be a full-time job. That means that
you need to treat it like one, and not like a free pass from getting a public
paid job.
3. Lack of socialization: Not being able to learn with peers, and not being
able to associate and congregate with other students the same age can lead to
some developmental problems. An inability to socialize well, a shyness that
comes with not being around other kids, and a tendency to work better alone
rather than in a team stem from this lack of association. These are of course
things that could be overcome if the attempt is made to rectify them. By being
involved in other activities, by living in a neighborhood with many other
children that can be socialized with in free time, or by having siblings or
cousins that are in the public system, the social skills can rub off on kids
that are home-schooled.
4. Lack of resources: Resources aren't as fluid as they are in a public/private
school setting. The theory is that schools will have better books, and the
educators will have a better education than a mother or father does, and it
could serve as a disadvantage if the parent is not ready and willing to be the
go-to person for everything under the sun. The parent must be willing to do the
research if a question can't be answered on the spot, which could actually turn
into an advantage if he/she is willing to go that extra mile.
5. Cost: The cost of homeschooling can start to come into play when you
purchase textbooks and teaching materials, and thus it makes it harder for the
family that is doing the home-schooling. Further costs come into play when you
consider the opportunity cost of a parent staying home, and not bringing in a
second income for the family. This could be the big thing that keeps some
families from homeschooling, simply because it costs the family a second source
of money.
6. A defiant student at school will likely be a defiant student at home: If you
have had frequent power-struggles to get your child to do homework, you need to
be prepared for those struggles as a home-schooler. Just because your daughter
can stay home and do her school-work doesn’t mean she is going to become
magically compliant when it comes to (a) sitting in YOUR classroom and (b)
completing homework assigned by YOU.
So, these are the factors to consider when deciding whether or not
home-schooling is right for your daughter -- and you. Good luck in your
decision-making process.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's
4:30 in the morning and I'm trying to find answers, but I'm not sure what the problem is.
My son has some characteristics of Aspergers but not the main ones (at
least that I can tell)... The biggest problem is that he can't always
'see the wood for the trees.'
He is very social, hygienic, extremely coordinated and sporty. He loves
going out with his friends. He is smart but only does school work at the
last minute or not at all. Sounds quite normal, right... But, as his
mom, I know something isn't right. He has always been what we thought
was very stubborn... But to the nth degree.
We are having a major school issue right now. He is getting into
trouble for not doing his homework, to the point that the school may
suspend him if it continues. But in his mind, he doesn't see the problem
because he knows at the end of the day, he will get the grades he needs
to get to get him into university. I'm simplifying the problem, but
it's very late and I'm sure you understand. He just doesn't get it. No
matter what I say.
Of course, this isn't the first time he hasn't 'gotten it' and no matter
what we say or do, it doesn't matter. I don't know how to help him
'see'.
Q1. If his inability to read situations 'normally' is his major
difficulty (ie. he doesn't display the other more common
characteristics), could he still have Aspergers? This is the closest
thing I've read about that could explain it. He doesn't respond to
punishments or rewards. We argue but it gets us nowhere. He shows some
other minor links such as a lack of empathy at times. I think he has
low self-esteem, but to the outsider no one would suspect anything is
amiss.
Q2. If you don't think it is AS, can you point me in the right direction as to what behavioural disorder it could be?
Q3. If you think it could be AS, is there a way to help him 'see the trees'?
It's as if he's on a path of self destruction, and I'm standing by watching unable to help him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I am a teacher that is struggling with an eight-year old child that has
not been diagnosed with ASD but shows all the behaviors of a child with
ASD. Everyday is a challenge with him and I never know when he is going
to melt down or begin a tantrum. Would your book help me with strategies
in a school setting? Also, can you tell me if it is common for a child
with ASD to fall all the time? I noticed on the way to the playground
and during playtime he fell no less than 4 times (not trying to get
attention, just clumsy) and he falls quite often doing while just
walking.
Kind regards,
Debra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is 17, as a child he was sweet, kind funny and beloved by
everyone. In the recent months or perhaps year he has become very angry
resentful and mean. Not to everyone, mostly me and his Dad, but the
biggest target is me. We were very close and now he says he hates me, he can't stand the
sound of my voice etc. His big problems with me are things beyond my
control. I didn't have have him till I was 41 ( married late, had
misscarriages) so when I had this healthy wonderful perfect child I
didn't want to take any chances having another so he is an only child
and he HATES that. He wants a brother or sister so bad I'm afraid he
will get a girl pregnent so he could have his own child. I am Mexican
but was raised in the All American way so I don't speak Spainish and
most of my friends are not Mexican, He hates that too. I never cooked
much, but he always had meals, he hates that I don't cook well. I can
try and cook more, he gets so happy when I do. But the other stuff there
is nothing i can do. And this behavior of anger is bad, but then he can
be sweet and will talk. I know the hormones are going strong, he was a
bit of a late
bloomer, so maybe they are in overdrive. I feel like I am on a roller
coaster! He also talks about dropping out of school. His passion is
soccer and he has been on Varsity since freshman year. I think that
is the only thing that keeps him grounded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~