Dealing with Aggressive Aspergers Teens: 10 Tips for Parents
Have you experienced an out-of-control yelling match with your Aspergers (high functioning autism) teen? While parenting these teens, moms and dads often find themselves in a power struggle. Teen "Aspies" try all sorts of things to get what they want, and sometimes this involves yelling and cussing-out their parents. The techniques that follow should help parents deal with aggressive Aspergers teens:
1. Avoid Excessive Negative Attention— It's a mistake to pay more attention to what the Aspergers youngster is doing wrong (e.g., his failures, mistakes, misbehaviors, etc.) than to what he is doing right (e.g., his successes, achievements, good behaviors, etc.). When you go to bed at night, review the day you have had with your Aspie. Have you spent as much time during the day looking at his appropriate behaviors as you have looking at his inappropriate actions?
You should avoid using punishment as a primary method of control. Instead, substitute positive consequences, which place the emphasis on good behavior rather than on bad behavior. Eliminate verbal punishment (e.g., hollering, putting down the teenager, name-calling, excessive criticism), and use reward as a disciplinary tactic. Emphasize successes, accomplishments, achievements, and good behaviors. Pay more attention to normal good behavior and be positive. Constant nagging of an Aspergers adolescent will certainly result in a buildup of anger, resentment, and aggressive behaviors.
2. Avoid Excessive Restrictions— Some Aspergers kids who are overprotected, excessively restricted, and generally not allowed to be like other youngsters their age may develop resentment and anger. They want to do things that others do, but are prevented from doing so. Sometimes you have to look at your adolescent's peer group in order to decide what is and is not appropriate – and what is too much restriction.
3. Avoid Random Discipline— Moms and dads often discipline after the fact. This is “random discipline.” They set a rule and wait for the teenager to break it before they decide upon a consequence. To Aspergers adolescents, the concept of fairness is extremely important. If they are disciplined in this fashion, they may frequently feel unjustly treated. In addition, random discipline often makes adolescents feel that others are responsible for what has happened to them and anger is apt to develop. You should spell out the rules and consequences for your youngster's behavior at the same time. The most important part of this process is not the rule, but the consequence. Put the responsibility for what happens to the youngster squarely on his or her shoulders.
4. Do Not Let the Behavior Get Out of Control— Once a youngster is actively involved in an aggressive behavior or shouting match, it is difficult to deal with the behavior. Rather than wait till the behavior occurs to handle it, sometimes it is possible, and better, to try to prevent it from happening or to catch it early and not let it get out of control. In some adolescents, the aggressive behavior develops gradually and may involve several steps. Some initial behaviors appear and then intensify.
For example, an adolescent's brother may call him stupid. Some verbal exchanges follow, then a pushing and shoving match begins, and finally a full-blown fight erupts. Rather than wait to react when the fight starts, it would be better to try to catch the behavior early, and intervene before the situation gets out of hand. Target the name-calling or verbal arguing and try to stop that, rather than wait to zero in on the fighting.
5. Don't Get into a Power Struggle—You tell your Aspie to clean his room and he refuses. Then you threaten, "You had better clean it, or you're not going out on Saturday." He replies, "You can't make me clean it and I'm going out on Saturday, anyway." Then you say something, he says something, you both begin to shout, and a full-blown power struggle has developed. This is a good way to generate anger in your youngster. When possible, avoid battles and power struggles, which only lead to a buildup of anger. At times, it may be better to have the youngster experience the consequence of his behavior rather than to win the battle and get him to do what you want. If you try to win each fight, you may battle the youngster throughout adolescence, and will probably end up losing the war.
6. Encourage Appropriate Communication— The most effective way to deal with anger and rebellious behavior is to have adolescents appropriately communicate their feelings of disapproval and resentment. Encourage them to express and explain negative feelings, sources of anger, and their opinions—that is, what angers them, what we do that they do not like, what they disapprove of. If an Aspergers adolescent expresses emotions appropriately, in a normal tone of voice, she should not be viewed as rude or disrespectful. This is an appropriate expression of anger, and the youngster should not be reprimanded or punished. In other words, allow adolescents to complain, disagree, or disapprove, provided they are not sarcastic, flippant, or nasty.
Remember, though, that allowing a youngster to shout, swear, or be fresh does not teach effective communication of emotions. If the adolescent is complaining about excessive restrictions, punishments, or other things that she does not like, listen. Try to understand her feelings. If the complaints are realistic, see if something can be worked out and resolved, or if a compromise can be achieved.
7. Look for Ways to Compromise— In many situations with Aspie teens, you should try to treat them the way you would one of your friends or another adult. Rather than get into a battle to see who is going to win, it may be better to create a situation where a compromise is reached.
8. Provide Appropriate Models— Kids learn a great deal from modeling their parents' behavior. The way we handle our conflicts and problems is apt to be imitated by our kids. If I handle my anger by hollering, throwing things, or hitting, there is a good possibility that my kids will handle their conflicts in a similar fashion. The old saying "Don't do as I do; do as I say" is a very ineffective way of dealing with behavior. Therefore, if you see aggressive or rebellious behaviors in your adolescent, look at yourself, your spouse, or an older sibling to see if one of you is modeling these behaviors. If so, the behavior must stop before we can expect to change the teenager's conduct. If there is a significant amount of arguing in the home, or if parents demonstrate disrespect for one another, it is likely that the adolescent will adopt similar behavior patterns. If you scream at your youngster, he is likely to scream back.
Moms and dads who use physical punishment with the young youngster, as a primary method of dealing with his or her behavior, forget one important thing: kids grow and usually get as big as or bigger than them. A young child disciplined through physical punishment will probably end up as a teenager who gets into physical battles with his parents. Moms and dads must look at themselves to be sure they are not models of the behavior they are trying to eliminate in the youngster. Serving as an appropriate model is a good way to teach kids how to deal with and express anger.
9. Stabilize the Environment— Aspergers adolescents who experience environmental change—especially divorce, separation, or remarriage—may develop underlying anger. The anger and resentment that result from the changes may be expressed in other ways. Try to identify the changes, stabilize the environment, and get him to express his feelings through more appropriate methods. If the teenager has questions regarding a divorce or remarriage, discuss them with him.
10. Try Not to React to Passive-Aggressive Behavior— Some of the opposition, stubbornness, resistance, and other passive-aggressive maneuvers of Aspergers adolescents are designed to express anger and/or to get a reaction from the parents. Ignoring this behavior is often an effective way to reduce it. Some ways of dealing with this passive-aggressive behavior will result in the development of more anger, while others will help deflate the anger balloon. For example, if you ask your Aspie to do something – and he is doing it, although complaining the whole time, ignore his complaints since he is doing what you asked.
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
Comments
I believe we are in a society that we give in too easy because we are tired and we do not want make them upset... My son uses his "aggressiveness" to intimidate me for me to give in. I made this mistake before...not anymore. It is very hard and exhausting when you say no to an Aspie...but if it is time to say NO, say NO. It might get worse before it gets better...but insist Amy. You are a great mom because you love him...and even though he says he hates you....they actually hate the fact they really need us so much. Help him to need you less and less each day. He will love you later. Good luck. Vivi
This is a very, very good list which also could apply to any teens and me hope makes at least a little difference for struggling parents.
I learned a lot of this by trial and error myself just from parenting four teens (1 diagnosed aspie male, 1 suspected female). I wish I had the ability to write it down this well.
I think being Aspie myself had advantages as I was able to empathise (in that Aspie objective-analytical way) and try to imagine what would work for me.
Only comment is I wish the article could have used a picture with both an angry boy and girl. The picture tends to implicitly and, of course, unintentionally, genderise Aspergers - and aggression - as a boy thing to anyone who doesn't read the article thoroughly.
This still prevalent stereotype of Aspergers being a boy thing makes it really difficult for parents of girls with Aspergers and one that we need to break down at every opportunity.
I think as recognition and acceptance improves, you will see a much more even distribution of Aspergers between male and female.
Unfortunately, nothing works with this boy. We've tried specialists until we are penniless. He is a law unto himself and thinks he has smarter than Einstein!
I've decided that life will have to teach him his lessons, not me.
So, sometimes, even the experts can't help.
Not sure what I want by writing this, but here it is nonetheless. Thanks, Solomon
Kathy in LA
well.... that was written in October...since then a couple of things....Just prior to Christmas I decided that I was going to move out when finances permitted because life is not meant to be lived this way!.... and secondly...Step Son was given a new laptop for Christmas and has been a different boy since...by different I mean pleasant, cooperative. I'd almost say agreeable! However, I don't expect it to last...I expect that once the shine of the new PC has worn off and he is back at school, then he will revert to type.I might be proven wrong of course?????????????
But his change in behavior has me doubting my decision to move out...but I still think it is the most appropriate course of action as his mother is ASD and has NO IDEA how it impact on us. She thinks she sees things clearly - BUT SHE DOESN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, life goes on until I can move out.
Solomon
I know that this is now 2019 but I wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. My son is now 18 in 2 months. His journey with weed has been horrendous.. he’s dropped out of school, we have the police and ambulance service virtually every week. He’s taken mdma, lsd, sleeping tablets, weed, alcohol, diazepam all in one go.. A and E twice in one week yet no help. He still says that the weed is the only thing that helped his depression, . I paid for it in the end and gave it him every day but made him promise not to take the other drugs off the dark web(£2 for lsd by the way!). I’m exhausted, done in, in pain.. no one can relate! Yet...
Suddenly he GOT A JOB! He said he’s realised that weed is not helping him anymore.. he’s starting on Monday.. so PRAYING that he won’t spend the wages on drugs.. but as you see.. everything is a phase... I mean he was BAD... we have no doors and the ones left have holes in...
But you never know how long each one will last... I understand your pain. Hang in..
Sally
Adrian