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The Misdiagnosis of Children on the Autism Spectrum

Some "Aspergers" and "high-functioning autistic" (HFA) children do not have the disorder at all, they are simply "gifted." Has your child been misdiagnosed?

No one knows exactly how many gifted kids are misdiagnosed by clinicians and pediatricians who are not trained in the unique emotional difficulties of the gifted youngster. A common belief is that gifted kids do not have any particular social or emotional problems. Yet, research indicates that up to 20 % of high school dropouts test in the gifted range.

Some gifted kids may not seem different than other “behaviorally-difficult” children in their behavior and emotions, but the underlying causes are different. Any youngster can become withdrawn, aggressive, depressed, anxious, or sad – or exhibit any number of other problem behaviors given the right circumstances. However, there are a many aspects of giftedness that create unique challenges.

Gifted kids, many of whom are “asynchronous” (i.e., developing at different rates in different areas), encounter difficulties conforming to expectations, have behavior problems due to boredom, or otherwise struggle in a school setting.

Because of their finely tuned awareness, gifted kids tend to experience life differently and more intensely than others. Unfortunately, peers and adults at school or home often do not understand these differences. Gifted kids may experience the following problems:
  • Boredom and impatience
  • Difficulty observing boundaries and channeling their intense energy
  • Disregard for, or open questioning of, rules and traditions
  • Frustration and disappointment when ideals are not reached
  • Not "fitting in" with their peers
  • Preoccupation with deep human concerns, sometimes leading to anxiety and depression

In a clinical situation, the youngster's intense personal traits and difficulties may be viewed as symptoms of a mental or emotional disorder. Misguided therapy or medication may follow, as the clinician attempts to suppress or "cure" the symptoms of giftedness.

Common misdiagnoses of gifted kids include:

1. Aspergers or HFA— Highly gifted kids often have different ways of interacting socially. Their unusual comments and jokes may be misinterpreted as signs of autism. Children with on the spectrum may be gifted—especially in certain specific skills—but they do not respond as well as neurotypical kids to ordinary social or emotional cues. They may not make friends readily and often prefer to keep to themselves. Gifted kids, on the other hand, often show a great deal of concern for others and are highly sociable. If your gifted youngster gets along well with both grown-ups and peers, then a diagnosis of Aspergers or HFA is very unlikely. If you are concerned about your youngster’s socializing skills, then you may want to consult with a psychologist who specializes in Autism Spectrum Disorders.

2. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder— Traits such as intensity, impatience, sensitivity, and high energy are common in kids with ADHD , as well as in gifted kids. Some gifted kids do have ADHD, but many do not. They are at a different developmental level than other kids. As a result, they may be inattentive and impulsive in certain situations.

3. Mood Disorders— Gifted kids may have intense mood swings. They notice inconsistencies and absurdities in society and in the people around them. They can feel different and alienated from others. These traits are often found in kids with depression, especially those with bipolar disorder. A gifted child who has mood swings, irritability, difficulties with anger control, etc., may not suffer from a mood disorder, but should be seen by a psychologist for proper diagnosis.

4. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder— Gifted kids like to organize things into complex structures. They tend to be perfectionists and idealists. They can get upset when others do not go along with their ideas, appearing intolerant and "bossy." This behavior may be mistaken for obsessive-compulsive disorder or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. If obsessive tendencies seem to be getting in the way of a youngster’s success or happiness, then a psychiatric consultation is suggested.

5. Oppositional Defiant Disorder— Like kids with oppositional defiant disorder , gifted kids frequently appear "strong-willed." However, such behavior is often due to their intensity, sensitivity, and idealism. They do not like to be criticized for their different way of thinking. They may question the rules and engage in power struggles with authority figures.

Common concerns in gifted kids include:

1. Sleep Disorders— Nightmare disorder, sleep terror disorder, and sleepwalking disorder appear to be more common in gifted kids. Some gifted kids sleep a lot less than other kids. Others sleep a lot more. In the presence of unusual sleep patterns, your family doctor can advise whether a gifted youngster needs further evaluation for sleep or psychological problems.

2. Relational Problems— Moms and dads may lack information about the traits of gifted kids. Such kids may appear to be willful, mischievous, or strange. They may be criticized or disciplined for behaviors that stem from curiosity, intensity, and sensitivity. Power struggles, tantrums, and other behavior problems may surface. Effective therapy should involve helping the family understand and cope with the youngster's intensity.

3. Learning Disabilities— Gifted kids often have hidden learning disabilities (e.g., auditory processing weaknesses, difficulties with visual perception, writing disabilities, spatial disorientation, dyslexia, and attention deficits). Gifted kids may develop a poor self-image when learning disabilities are present. They tend to dwell on the things they can’t do and may need help in developing a good self-image. Gifted kids with learning disabilities have a great deal of trouble getting needed help in their schools because their academic achievement is usually above grade level despite their disability. Most school systems require a history of academic failure before they will provide remedial services.

Gifted kids have many strengths and possess greater than average awareness, perception, and sensitivity. This may be expressed in one or more areas (e.g., art, music, language, science, math, etc.). Common traits of gifted and talented kids include:
  • Ability to process information at deeper levels
  • Complexity and intense inner turmoil
  • Creativity and strong imagination
  • Deep compassion for others
  • High sensitivity
  • Intensity
  • Keen observation, perception, and insight
  • Love of learning
  • Perfectionism and idealism
  • Questioning established rules, beliefs, traditions, and authority
  • Strong absorption in their interests

Problems associated with the strengths of gifted children include:

Strengths: Ability to conceptualize, abstract, synthesize; enjoys problem-solving and intellectual activity.
Possible Problems: Rejects or omits details; resists practice or drill; questions teaching procedure.

Strengths: Acquires and retains information quickly.
Possible Problems: Impatient with slowness of others; dislikes routine and drill; may resist mastering foundational skills; may make concepts unduly complex. 

Strengths: Can see cause--effect relations.
Possible Problems: Difficulty accepting the illogical-such as feelings, traditions, or matters to be taken on faith. 

Strengths: Creative and inventive; likes new ways of doing things.
Possible Problems: May disrupt plans or reject what is already known; seen by others as different and out of step. 

Strengths: Diverse interests and abilities; versatility.
Possible Problems: May appear scattered and disorganized; frustrations over lack of time; others may expect continual competence. 

Strengths: Enjoys organizing things and people into structure and order; seeks to systematize.
Possible Problems: Constructs complicated rules or systems; may be seen as bossy, rude, or domineering. 

Strengths: High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts.
Possible Problems: Frustration with inactivity; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive. 

Strengths: Independent; prefers individualized work; reliant on self.
Possible Problems: May reject parent or peer input; non-conformity; may be unconventional. 

Strengths: Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation; searching for significance.
Possible Problems: Asks embarrassing questions; strong-willed; resists direction; seems excessive in interests; expects same of others. 

Strengths: Intense concentration; long attention span in areas of interest; goal-directed behavior; persistence.
Possible Problems: Resists interruption; neglects duties or people during period of focused interests; stubbornness. 

Strengths: Keen observer; willing to consider the unusual; open to new experiences.
Possible Problems: Overly intense focus; occasional gullibility. 

Strengths: Large vocabulary and facile verbal proficiency; broad information in advanced areas.
Possible Problems: May use words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored with school and age-peers; seen by others as a "know it all." 

Strengths: Love of truth, equity, and fair play.
Possible Problems: Difficulty in being practical; worry about humanitarian concerns. 

Strengths: Sensitivity, empathy for others; desire to be accepted by others.
Possible Problems: Sensitivity to criticism or peer rejection; expects others to have similar values; need for success and recognition; may feel different and alienated. 

Strengths: Strong sense of humor.
Possible Problems: Sees absurdities of situations; humor may not be understood by peers; may become "class clown" to gain attention. 

Strengths: Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others.
Possible Problems: Critical or intolerant toward others; may become discouraged or depressed; perfectionist.

Lack of understanding by moms and dads, teachers, and clinicians – combined with the lack of appropriately differentiated education –all lead to interpersonal conflicts, which are then mislabeled, and thus prompt the misdiagnoses.

Gifted and talented kids often must overcome many challenges to reach their potential. They frequently need help interacting in the mainstream world, finding supportive environments, and channeling their skills. When gifted kids are misdiagnosed and wrongly stigmatized, they cannot get the type of support they need. Families, teachers, and health professionals need to be better educated about the social and emotional needs of gifted kids.

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Follow-up Question:

I have a 16 year old son who has Asperger Syndrome.  He has also tested in the 99th percentile for intelligence.  He learns easily and fast in most subjects.  But, as is common with Aspies, he has very little common sense.  He has problems making friends in the first place, but has further isolated himself from his peers by saying out loud in class (several times), “I don’t know why I have to learn this stuff that I already know.  They (classmates) may need to because they are not as smart as me, but why do I have to?”  Needless to say it does not go over well.  If you ask him why he would say such a thing he says “Because it is true”.  Also, he constantly challenges the teacher on whether what she has said is correct.  Any ideas as to how to get him to understand and change this behaviour? 


Gifted Aspergers students can become frustrated in the classroom due to repetition and the lack of challenge. This may lead some kids to act-out or be disruptive. It may cause others to become disinterested and dislike school. Still others may become upset at the mere thought of going to school.

The starting point is to validate your son’s feelings—whatever they might be—and acknowledge and accept that the feelings are there. You can accept the feeling without having to accept the means of expression of the feeling (e.g., disrupting class). You need to communicate that your son’s feelings are understandable and natural, under the circumstances, and for the way that your son sees the world. You want to simply be offering an empathic narrative about what may be going on in your son’s mind and the connection between the trigger event (e.g., rehashing old material), the interpretation or meaning it had for your son (e.g., “this is so boring”), and the resulting feelings that arose in your son (e.g., frustration).

As the parent, you have the opportunity to model healthy ways of dealing with frustration in the ways that you, yourself, react when these feelings come up for you. The goal is to model that your own and your son’s difficult feelings can be observed, can be tolerated without "destroying" you or "driving you over the edge," and that they can be managed in conscious, healthy ways.  Monitor your own level of frustration or anger. Learn to recognize your own internal signs for when you get close to "not being able to take it anymore," or to "exploding.” It's ok to give yourself a time out, and it's not a sign of defeat. In fact, it's modeling behavior that you want your son to use. You can say something like "I'm getting close to the point where I can't think clearly, so I'm going to take a few minutes to clear my head."

You can also work with your son on a specific technique to help him step out of automatic reactions and unacceptable behavior. Use the sequence, "Stop, Think, Choose" as the keywords for your son to use to coach himself toward more conscious choices for behavior. The trick is to develop the association of this sequence with the onset of the frustration or anger. You would work with your son during calm times to offer acceptable choices for ways to express the feelings. Then, help your son to pick a trigger or identify a "switch" that informs your son that he is starting to reach his limits of tolerance. This might involve having him recognize that he's clenching his fists or feeling tension in his body, being able to recognize and articulate "I'm angry," or anything else that will help him catch himself in the process of becoming upset.

At first, you will have to help your son to catch himself, and you might do this with comments like, "I can see that you're starting to get frustrated. Is this one of those times when you could use your 'stop-think-choose' technique?" Presenting this technique as a choice gives your son the opportunity to learn that he can exercise control over his reactions and behavior. You may still need to coach him through the process of stopping, thinking, choosing before he can manage it himself.

One of the most common sources of frustration for gifted children has to do with their perception that others' rules don't make sense, aren't logical, and things that others say or do aren't rational (and therefore need not be obeyed). They believe that the world should operate according to THEIR rules (which they believe are totally logical), and they feel outraged when the world doesn't oblige.

Their natural drive for self-determination and efforts to feel in control of -- and to exert control over -- their world bring them into frequent conflict with the "real" rules. This can create a deep sense of despair and fear that they can never be in control of their world. Some children may even feel individually punished for not being allowed to be in control, and will fight to protect their self-esteem and efforts at self-efficacy. This can explain why sometimes the smallest incident that seems unjust to them can trigger such intense distress. They're reacting to the feeling that the entire world appears irrational, uncontrollable and unpredictable to them. Think about how scary that would be!

One possible way to address this is to find some activity or environment where your son truly can set the rules and he can feel in control. This requires some creative thinking by you to construct or find such an environment. When your son can find one place where he feels that things "make sense," and feels in control, then much of the distress over not being in control in other places subsides.

Another common source of distress for a gifted child is the fear that he really isn't as smart as others say he is, and he's going to fall from gifted grace if anyone ever found out. He therefore feels very protective of his self-image as someone who is "smart," but feels fragile since he doesn't believe it's something he has any control over.

Another way you can help your son when he explodes over perceived injustices or doesn't like following rules set by others is to help him empathize. The idea is to help your son recognize that other people have different perspectives about things, and that their reasons for doing something may be completely consistent with their own perspectives, even if they're different from his own.

Aspergers children, especially, have a difficult time recognizing that other perspectives can exist in other people's minds. In fact, being able to conceive of a different belief being held in another person's mind is a learned process, often called Theory of Mind, and usually doesn't even start to develop until around age three or four. It can take several more years for the capacity to develop to the point where a child can actually understand another's behavior and reactions in terms of completely different perceptions existing in another's mind. Since this is a learned skill, it's something you can assist your son to develop.

One way to do this is by engaging him in games or exercises where you ask him to imagine what's taking place in the other person's mind, when he has been in a conflict with someone else, or has refused to do something he's been asked to do. You can ask him to tell the story first from his own point of view, and then ask him to pretend that he's the other person, and tell the story again from the other's point of view. Encourage him to explain, in as much detail as possible, what he imagines the other person's motives were, or what the other person must have been thinking or feeling that made her act the way she did. If he was in an argument with another person, then ask him to replay the argument, but to argue it from the other person's perspective.

You can encourage your son to try to imagine as many different motives as possible, that the other person might have had for doing what she did. Approach this as a brainstorming exercise and challenge your son to be creative, no matter how outlandish his responses might be. You can help by throwing in some ideas of your own and even making a game out of it where you take turns guessing at the motives and intentions of the other person.

Basically, any type of exercise that helps your son to be curious about the perceptions and intentions of others, and helps him to become accepting of different perceptions, will benefit him in numerous ways. For example, if he felt hurt by something someone did, instead of assuming that the other person must have had the deliberate intention of hurting him, he might be able to see that the other person was trying to concentrate on a task, and was annoyed at being interrupted. This could help him take things less personally in the long run.

Lastly, if your son reverts to behavior that is destructive or unacceptable when he's upset, then form a plan AHEAD OF TIME for how you're going to respond to it. You want to establish clear rules for what is and is not acceptable behavior, write them down, and post them for your son to see and remember. Then, you want to formulate clear and precise consequences when the rules are broken, write them down, and post them for your son to see and remember. The critical elements in making a system like this work are clarity and consistency.

Another angle would be to approach your son’s teacher to see if there are some advanced (new) lessons your son can be doing while the others are repeating former lessons.


Anonymous said...

LB was misdiagnosed numerous times. From being gifted to early onset bipolar... finally we had answers with the Asperger's diagnosis and it was a fit. Challenging to diagnose girls.

Anonymous said...

It's such a hard call with some kids. I guess what matters is ensuring the kids get help with areas where they need additional training or support and that we ensure they get the opportunity to use their talents to the fullest.

Anonymous said...

Great post, thanks. I'm still not 100% comfortable with my 11yo son's ASD/ADHD diagnosis, even five years later. He has so many traits that are showing up as ADHD, or gifted.. is it possible it can change over time?

Anonymous said...

@beth quiles the diagnosis opens doors to more treatment and resources. treating the sympotms is what we have been doing since we got him to a new therapist while they do the testing. what is sad is no one had it anywhere close to this therapist. when u know what it is its a relief to have a name and the tratment opotions are there. for our sons it means understanding why and what they are going thru.

Anonymous said...

Our son is highly gifted and at first we didn't agree with his diagnosis until the Dr. Really went in depth explaining it to us then we finally had that light bulb recognition moment.

Anonymous said...

In my daughters first year of school her teacher was very concerned with her odd comments and totally off track answers that she actually said to me, with the principle present, "I think we'll put it down to the blonde factor"!! ( Even though she taught herself to read at 3yrs old). They then had this bright idea to put her into small group speech/language therapy classes. I sat in several of these classes where they were teaching alphabet sounds, by then she was reading novels. She was so bored with this that she sat there pulling faces at the trainee. You can imagine my fury and the reason I have changed schools. How disgusting.. she was only a 5yro. It was a heartwrenching decision to move schools as she had developed such a good relationship with 1 of her classmates, they were inseperable but I had to put her education first. She is now in public education and going really well.

Jaimelot said...

I think that the label isn't as important as how the issues are addressed. I have struggled because my son was initially diagnosed with ADHD. I have never had him tested for giftedness but he comes from a family of highly gifted people. He has been in private school and I haven't pursued the testing. I have always assumed that he IS gifted. Regarding the Aspergers, I have know for quite some time that he has Aspergers but only got a diagnosis this past September. I have been told by a few professionals that his case is as mild as it could possibly be, but they don't see what I see.
When he interacts with adults, it is almost impossible to tell that he has any social difficulties at all. Ultimately, it appears that my son is gifted, has ADHD, AND has Asperger's. Lucky boy.... :/

Anonymous said...

I have a 16 year old son who has Asperger Syndrome. He has also tested in the 99th percentile for intelligence. He learns easily and fast in most subjects. But, as is common with Aspies, he has very little common sense. He has problems making friends in the first place, but has further isolated himself from his peers by saying out loud in class (several times), “I don’t know why I have to learn this stuff that I already know. They (classmates) may need to because they are not as smart as me, but why do I have to?” Needless to say it does not go over well. If you ask him why he would say such a thing he says “Because it is true”. Also, he constantly challenges the teacher on whether what she has said is correct. Any ideas as to how to get him to understand and change this behaviour?

Michelle said...

I have a 14 yr old daughter whom I feel is in danger if being wrongly diagnosed. She has always been eccentric and stands out in a school of 1500 kids as "different". To me she is a natural leader, not afraid to speak her mind and disagree with the "norm" or wear the clothes she likes unlike the other children who, in her words, wear a uniform even on non-uniform day. She has always been above average in every subject, excelling in English, computer science, languages and music. She taught herself to speak and write fluent Japanese and is considered by others to be obsessed with Japan. She is now teaching herself Korean because the Japanese pop culture she loves led her to look at Korean culture and music. Recently she has been very unhappy at school, asking to be homeschooled so she can learn what she wants in the way she wants. The subjects she dislikes have become a real problem. It's like she has decided to go on strike saying things like " my brain won't let me learn it" and deciding to write in different colours to make it more appealing. She's also been very down in general, worrying about not doing what she needs to do with her life. Some of her teachers asked her if she had adhd, which she decided to look up. She convinced herself she had it so, even though I had doubts, I took her to the doctor for her mental health if nothing else. I let her talk to the doctor so he could experience a conversation with her. After 20 minutes in what should have been a 10 minute appointment he said he didn't think she was adhd, but had i considered Asd ? He sent her away with some stuff to read and a quiz and said he'll refer her if we think it might be worth investigating further.
Well... She scored low on the test and a lot of the major signs of Asd don't fit. She was an early talker saying 10 words by 1 and full sentences by 2, without any delays or setbacks. In fact , she hasn't had any delays or setbacks in anything, always above average or advanced. English is one of her strongest subjects and she's always been 3-4 yrs ahead in reading and comprehension. She need only see your face start to change if you're not taking her serious or your cross and she picks up on it and she has lots of friends ( granted, she doesn't always want to spend time with them!). She is very loving and affectionate, always coming for a cuddle when she's down, or giving hugs when she can see I'm down. The problem is she has told me she'd rather have a diagnosis of Asd than be told she's gifted because she won't get help or be taken serious for being gifted. She's worried she'll be expected to be brilliant at everything, even the subjects she hates. She said "I don't need more maths, I need more freedom to learn what's relevant to me."
I'm now stuck not knowing what to do next. Any ideas?

El said...

Thank you for this very insightful conversation. It is a little early for us to speak for sure but our 19 month-old son seems to be a little "different" than his peers in ways that have already complicated significantly his life (and ours). Two months ago we tried part-time daycare and it was a disaster. The teachers seemed to believe firmly that "routine" and "structure" is what all young toddlers need. Their approach completely backfired with our son. He became withdrawn and depressed, he started throwing extreme tantrums, stopped talking (he usually talks to himself or pretends to be on the phone all the time), agonized over us leaving him there etc. Almost everyday the teacher would call us at work to complain about his behavior--e.g. he wanted to go our a lot; he did not like other children touching him; he did not like finger painting (freaks out when his hands get dirty); did not want them to change him etc. We were furious with the way they dealt with it and observing the negative impact that place had on him we immediately moved him to a Reggio Emilia facility. Within a week he was back to normal. He still cries for about 2 minutes when we drop him off but when we pick him up he does not want to leave the place. He runs around, hugs us, and laughs loudly. He seems to be almost ecstatic: talking non-stop (half of what he says is incomprehensible as he is trilingual... but still), showing us around. He has also started to participate in group activities. This transformation rather confirmed our feeling that he needs special attention. Simply put, there is something about him that we cannot put our finger on, but it makes him different. He makes eye-contact, is very sensitive to changes of attitude --which is why he started challenging his former teachers when they treated him as a problem; he plays jokes all the time--dressing in silly ways, hiding, singing. Pretend play is his favorite thing to do ever since he turned one: he pretends to be on the phone, clean the floors, cook for us, read his books to us, feed us, wear our sunglasses etc. Hence, he seems to be the exact opposite of the main characteristics of autism the way we understand it. At the same time, he becomes obsessed with activities he is interested in and is very resistant when introduced to new things he finds intimidating. He has impossible expectations and we often observe him screaming in frustration when e.g. he cannot properly eat with his fork. He is hyper-sensitive to sensory and visual stimulation (obsessively turns on and off the lights, freaks out when he touches gooey things etc.), hyper-energetic (runs around the house with seemingly endless energy), does not sleep enough (and we don't either). He has night terrors, sleepwalks and talks in his sleep; he is shy with his peers and can become slightly aggressive when they try to hug and kiss him against his will (pushing other children away). But when he feels like it he wants endless hugs and kisses. He seems to prefer older kids. He does not follow simple orders (unless interested). He does not always automatically respond when we call his name (when he is focused on something else he often ignores us). Although he has a vocabulary of more than 100 words he does not repeat words and does not respond automatically when we ask him simple things. He almost never responds automatically to "bye" or "hi" although he often says it by himself when he wants to initiate contact. And a thousand other things that seem to resonate with some of the Asperger symptoms without fully agreeing with the main characteristics of similar conditions. We don't really know if it makes sense to have him evaluated or not (later on), but we are now convinced that our choice of schools etc. should be very, very careful. I hope this is useful to others with similar experiences and would be grateful for any kind of feedback.

Chrissy said...

Your son sounds much like my son was at that age. He was always a handful. He is now 8 and was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 following a full evaluation. His WISC 4 that was also done st that time was highly variable but the subtexts that he performed well in were superior to high superior range which is in the boarder line gifted realm. However he did have a melt down during the testing and was not medicated for ADHD at the time. So fast forward almost three years now. He has been very successful academically in school and did well up until this year socially. His pediatrician felt that he needed to change medications due to appetite issues. He was on a medication roller coaster this year and has had over emotional reactions at school, a teacher who just sends him to the office instead of working with him and does not communicate with me, and some difficulties with one of the boys in his class picking on him. A new psychiatrist suspected aspergers bc he thought he had the "little professor " characteristics. So now the pediatrician has dropped an autism diagnosis on him without an evaluation. A new psychiatrist does not even suspect autism. He is very social, compassionate, reciprocal, has friends, etc. end of story is that there are similarities between autism and giftedness. Add in another diagnosis of possible ADHD and the picture can become even more confusing even for specialists. Early identification and intervention is key with these children. Do not let a pediatrician diagnose your don. He needs a full neuropsychological evaluation. It is not too soon. I'd love to hear back from you. There are very few posts on this topic and you are the only recent post I've found. Good luck!

El said...

Chrissy, thank you so much for your feedback! We are all under so much pressure. Since I posted this, we did an early intervention evaluation, which ended up being even more confusing. He did only some of the tasks they asked him to perform and refused to do the simpler ones (things we know he has been able to do for more than a year now), such as to turn the pages of a book. Still, the diagnosis was that he doesn't qualify for services; negative 10/10 for any form of autism (he was in a great mood, interacting with the evaluators). But he did fail to perform many simple tasks. They described that as “failure of performance” rather than “ability,” based on what we told them, and on the fact that he seemed able to complete a few more complicated tasks. Which is exactly the problem. Ever since he turned one he has been refusing to follow any kind of instructions or simple orders—unless, for whatever reason, he decides to do so. The more we try to be firm, the more hysterical he becomes. Routine does not work for him at all. Sometimes he wants to eat breakfast, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he wants to brush his teeth or hair, sometimes he doesn’t. And there is hell to pay if we insist that he should do something, gently explaining to him why. After hours of screaming, he eventually doesn’t do it.

Each day is a different ordeal. But when left alone he figures it out. To give you an example, we spend four months with him screaming hysterically in terror every time we tried to wash him, until one day for absolutely no obvious reason (to me at least) he took off his clothes by himself, climbed in the shower, and asked us to wash him. He stayed there for 30 min, laughing, playing with the water and giggling. This is now part of his daily routine.

Hence, to be honest with you, I now believe we are better off to just leave him alone. He has changed a lot in these past months and he is much more social with his peers. He is now 2, he goes to a great daycare fulltime and they are willing to give him the time and space that he needs. He does not seem to have any of the fundamental characteristics of autism or ADHD—he is able to concentrate for hours when he wants to, e.g. watching his favorite movies beginning to end, or reading his books. He absolutely refuses to identify any objects in his books when I ask him to, but he does it on his own initiative. He also often lectures his toys about staff and wants me to follow his orders when we play. He constantly pulls me down to his level and I have no right to ever refuse!

He also does not seem to have any characteristics of gift-ness for that matter other than the “problems”: extreme curiosity (why stay in the playground when one can explore the street?)/ endless energy/ excitability/ refusing to accept boundaries and rules/ extreme impatience/ extreme rebelliousness/ unwillingness to participate in anything before thinking about it and making a decision.

Maybe the problem is not him but us: he is so different than other children, it is difficult to describe it, but almost all people who interact with him agree on that assessment, although they disagree as to why. Hence, I felt obliged to address the situation and to label it in order to find a solution. But his behavior does not seem to agree with any of the labels, my only conclusion is that he is doing much better when we leave him alone and follow his lead (within reason). And yes, that means that we will be the parents of a child who is demanding, difficult, and absolutely exhausting. I know many adults consider him to be spoiled or a “problem,” but he is very well-liked by his peers, which is a mystery to me, given his behavior. Most important, we know he is very happy and that feels right. It will have to stay that way, for now at least.

Would love to hear more about your son and, since he is now able to communicate, how does he feel about all these evaluations etc?

Soprano said...

EI, your son is exactly like our 4 yo, how is he doing now?

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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to read the full article...

Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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