Aspergers Teens and Threats of Suicide
Question: Do people with Aspergers often take action on the threats they make when they blow up? My sister (who died tragically 5 years ago) has a 18 yr old so with AS. When he gets really worked up, he threatens to kill himself and "take others with him." His threats of suicide are often paired with "if I don't get what I want", not "I am so depressed I want to die." These threats seem to be more of a bullying technique instead of a cry for help. I hesitate to call the police because there is no other topic that sets him off more than the police.
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And the answer is it all depends. Do they have to escalate their behavior to get their needs met? And what are their needs really? My son used that "I'm going to kill myself (or you, everyone or other terrible threat) if I don't get what I want right now" approach for a long time. When you hear those words as a parent (or caring adult) it is so... difficult in every sense. Because of the shocking nature of the statement, its hard to keep things from getting out of control from that threat on and hard to deescalate the situation.
Dissecting the behavior in NT terms is rather simple: It's bullying to get what they want. But we are talking about a kid with a condition that effects their ability to communicate and a disorder that makes sensory stimulation an absolute nightmare. With my son, I found these threats happened when he wasn't able to communicate his actual needs and his internal and external sensory input were more than he could handle. That tends to push a kid over the edge... where reason and self-control go out the window. He may have been saying he was gonna kill himself, but the message was "I don't know how deal with [things not going the way I planned them in my head aka unpredictability]".
They need their world, internally and externally to be put back in order. They need help learning how to deal with their disappoints and frustrations. They need some validation that you understand the circumstance (whatever it may be) is so hard for them to deal with/process/make sense... you get the idea. And you both need to learn the triggers to this behavior so you know when to implement the coping skills proactively. You need to develop a system for mutual identification... so that with minimal communication the aspie kid can let you know a storm is brewing inside of him and you can guide himself away from it (and eventually he'll learn to guide himself).
You essentially need to throw all those things you know about NT kids out the window... and redefine his behaviors is autistic terms. It's not bullying, it's an inability to cope with, communicate, or process an event. The only way to define the gravity of that event's impact on a kid is sometimes with threats... the more you don't deal with the underlying problem, the bigger those threats become. If at the end the kid gets their needs met with threats, the more they learn this is an appropriate interaction to get their needs and wants met. You show them that this is how you make yourself feel better-- by aggressive, bully-like behavior.
Emotionally, aspie kids can act like toddlers, so why address toddlers with the threat of calling the police? You teach toddlers how to cope with negative stuff in a way that is developmentally appropriate. Don't apply regular 18 year logic to an autistic 18 year old because you set everyone up to fail that way. Its like expecting a toddler to do your taxes then getting mad when they scribble on it with crayon. This isn't working, so you need to find another way so those threats don't turn into actions.
Longer answer: Prevention - we got our son therapy and social skills training - the social skills really helped but I had to make him go at first because he said it was stupid - I make him read a book on Asperger's with me before his computer turn, and I'm also starting to make him learn relaxation/self "hypnosis" techniques, and talk about his anger after any incident. (Comic Strip Conversations is a good model.) Find out what is stressing him most: is it school itself? Bullying? Isolation? I'm pushing the school for more support or more breaks during the day to keep from overwhelming him, as he seems to be stressed by the workload with his slow processing speed. The doctor told him it is like having a really powerful computer and a slow modem. Some parents pull them out of school and let them do online school or get a GED if necessary - anything to help defuse the situation. Better that they grow up and then go back to school, than not grow up at all or end up in jail.
We have a paediatrician appointment later in the month, then starting with a psychologist
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