Aspergers Tantrums, Rage, and Meltdowns
At the moment if the situations are not done exactly his way he has a meltdown. Symptoms are: Extreme ear piercing screaming, intense crying, to falling down on the floor saying he is going to die. I have tried to tell him to breathe but his meltdown is so intense that his body just can't listen to words.
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When I am sick and can't cook a meal he melts down and can't even think of cooking himself but is freaked out and will even wake me up to tell me I have to cook him tea. He gets verbally aggressive.
He is so full of anxiety it rules his life.
I am a single Mum, in my 50's and I have just been diagnosed with Asperger's as well. It is a relief because I always knew I was different.
I am surprised your child is being asked to take an ADD drug 3x/day. There are so many XR drugs out now that last 8-12 hours that a 4 hour pill is just silly. Admittedly, they are much cheaper, usually. I take the Focalin myself but in the 4 hour tab (it's 30 cents) vs. the Focalin XR that my son takes (8 hours; it costs $1). So i take 2-3 per day, but it lasts longer and I can adjust as needed. My son however needs it WITHOUT the SLUMP IN MEDICATION that can result from two 4 hour pills vs. one 8 hour pill. Something to look into, maybe...
My ADD son had trouble sleeping at one point. He's still not an easy sleeper but its better. He takes the 8 hour focalin, then he was also taking a 4 hour booster when he came home from school. If I gave it to him too late, the 4 hour pill (which actually lasts about 6 hrs in him) would keep him up at night. We no longer give him the booster, he's 14 and can handle the stress more at homework time. Plus he's at a therapeutic school with only 10 mins of homework per night. So maybe see if you can ditch the third dose? On a trial period to see if that's what is keeping him up.
Some kids with ADD do okay with Strattera which is NOT a stimulant but helps with the ADD. You could look into that as well.
At my son's school, when he would go into his rages in 3rd & 4th grades, they remove the class from the scene until the child can control himself enough, if he has gone to far to leave. They are pretty good about recognizing it, and he has a 1:1 aide who is with him all the time (after he threatened to kill the principal in front of 200 students in 3rd grade, we had an aide in 3 weeks. Amazing ...) She uses colored cards to signal things to him, since speaking can often be a trigger for rages. In 3rd grade they used to take him two floors down to the conference room or principal's office, but that kept backfiring as it was too far. Now (in 4th and 5th grades) they use the teacher planning room which is only 2 doors down from his classroom, and is often empty. When the class overwhelms him, he and his aide go there and work. This year, he went from being out of the class over 60% of the time, to missing only 35minutes in two weeks! after the Intuniv/Guanfacine XR kicked in (around week 4, at the 4mg dose; he weighs 170 and is 5'4; he's 11). Your school needs to get MUCH better at stopping the rage before it starts, otherwise it's a lost cause. The FBA (functional behavioral analysis) is a MUST. Request one in writing from your SPED dept.
My son has had an IEP for three years now. I'd be happy to send you a redacted copy of his goals and services pages to show you how they are handling his rage and other issues over time. I only have one year scanned into computer so it might take a couple of days.
Good Luck. Geneva
The minute I get angry and raise my voice, things get worse....I know this. Problem is....I don't know how to deal with this without getting angry. I know I should probably let more go, but I worry I am letting him get away with things and he will never learn. With him, the more I give, the more he takes. I try to stay firm and consistent otherwise he walks all over me.
It is tiring and exhausting knowing that every request will be followed with resistence, arguing, or just plain ignoring. I watch people with their little 2-3 year olds and can't imagine what it must feel like to have a child listen so easily and well. He is my only child, so I really have never known what it is like to have a "normal" child who respects your authority. I sat in church yesterday watching families with 4-5 children do it with such ease, while my 9 year old stayed home because he was in a mood and had been feeling sick (although I don't know how bad he was really feeling at this point)....and I was too exhausted to deal with it (again.....letting him get his way cause he wears me down).
How do you do this day in and day out? I know I am often in a bad mood because of the constant negativity and defiance.....and I only have one child! Maybe there is a reason I was only blessed with 1??????
I have been on meds before, and that helps some, but it seems sooooooo wrong to have to take meds to deal with your child. How fair is that? Being a parent was suppose to be rewarding and full of joy...........
We see his neurologist on Wed and I think we are going to discuss meds. She wants to see him on a stimulant, but I am not so sure. Any suggestions on what might help some of these issues? What has been the biggest help for your children?
Thanks so much for your advice,
Gina
You did not say if your son is gifted or not. My son is gifted with adhd and Aspergers. He also used to argue to every request. This is a sign of very high intelligence. You may need to have his IQ tested. This might explain some of the arguing. I would not recommend a stimulant unless your son has ADHD. My son takes Intuniv 3mg and Lexapro 20 mg (For depression.) He also takes Imipramine 50 mg at night for bedwetting. He just turned 12.
The intuniv really calmed him down and helped him control his anger.
Just a word about backing down because he wears you out: Don't do it. That only reinforces his behavior. It teaches him that if he argues, he gets what he wants.
And, it makes it harder on you because he will keep exhibiting the unwanted behavior.
Please read the book, "Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach." By Glasser. This is a positive, behavior modification approach that starts the kid off with no privileges, and they earn everything with a point system. This leaves you without arguing because THEY are in control of what they get to do. NOW, once you put it in place, then you can use punishment if you need to, which is a last resort. Your son will soon learn that with a point system in place, everything is in black and white. No gray equals no arguing. IF he behaves, he earns the point, when he gets X points, he gets to choose from X privileges. You no longer have to fight. He knows what to expect. The consequence for not doing anything is no points which equals no privileges.
Using this method, your child's incentives should change weekly. He should have something to work for each week. Even if it is only trip to the grocery store to pick out a dessert. Or a movie. Or a walk in the park with his dog.
Every kid wants something. You have to find out what he likes and put that as his reward. DO not give him anything or take him anywhere unless he EARNS it.This system works. I use it with my son and my daughter.
Also, with this type of child, you have to set a limit then walk away. Turn on the vacuumn cleaner or lock yourself in your room and turn the radio or TV up. DO NOT ARGUE WITH THESE KIDS. If you refuse to be an audience, he will quit talking.
Good Luck, Jenn
My little sweetie is my only child too, so all I can do is watch her agemates and wonder what it's like to have a child who is more responsive and obedient, who can make friends and enjoy herself, who I could take on outings without everything blowing up...this feeling of "this isn't what I signed up for" just makes me feel guilty, knowing that other families have more serious problems to deal with.
Anyway, blessings on you both. I wish you both peace, and joy in each other.
Tonight he threw a rage so bad at tutor. He threw over chairs, cussed at her locked himself in car, started it up, destroyed it inside and blared the horn. Help!
• Avoidance of new situations
• Irritability
• Somatic complaints
• Withdrawal from social situations
Another set of anxiety symptoms may be seen and may be unique to kids with Aspergers:
• Becoming "silly"
• Becoming explosive easily (e.g., anger outbursts)
• Increased insistence on routines and sameness
• Increased preference for rules and rigidity
• Increased repetitive behavior
• Increased special interest
Cognitive behavioral therapy, a time-limited approach designed to change thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, has been shown to be successful in treating Anxiety Disorders in kids.
For kids with both anxiety symptoms and Aspergers, an innovative group therapy program using cognitive behavioral therapy has been developed. The program includes specific modifications for working with kids with Aspergers and Anxiety Disorder and consists of both a child component and a parent component.
Modifications designed to address the cognitive, social, and emotional difficulties include:
1. More education on emotions—Activities such as feeling dictionaries (i.e., a list of different words for anxiety) and emotional charades (i.e., guessing people's emotions depending on faces) are helpful in developing emotional self-awareness.
2. Greater parent involvement—To build on the attachment between youngster and caregiver, it is important to have moms and dads learn the techniques and coach kids to use them at home.
3. Games and fun physical activities are important to include in group therapy to promote social interactions.
4. Combining visual and verbal materials—Use of worksheets, written schedules of therapy activities, and drawings can be added to increase structure in therapy sessions.
5. Behavioral management—Addition of a reward and consequence system maintains structure and prevents anger outbursts.
6. "Individualizing" anxiety symptoms—Kids should be helped by the therapist to identify what their own anxiety symptoms look like as anxiety symptoms may present differently.
There is some early evidence to suggest that cognitive behavioral group therapy with specific modifications can be successful in treating anxiety symptoms in kids with Aspergers. In a study involving kids with both disorders, most benefited from their participation in the group therapy program and showed fewer anxiety symptoms after 12-weeks of consistent attendance. Future research is being done to get stronger evidence for the effectiveness of the group therapy program.
She has had a variety of problems starting at about age 1, including sensory issues, pulling almost all of the hair out of her head at the age of 5, constant meltdowns, rigid thought patterns.....I could go on and on.
We have had her to her pediatrician, who told me years ago when I was begging for help that it was her personality, and I needed to learn to "deal with it."
We have also seen therapists, who did little to help with the problems we were having.
Finally, after her behaviors have escalated with the start of the school year, I pursued help and got started with a new therapist. I took the time to sit down and write out two pages of background information for the therapist, including anything I thought would possibly be relevant.
After going over everything in detail and asking a lot of questions, the therapist asked if anyone had ever mentioned Asperger's to me. Honestly, the thought had crossed my mind, but I wasn't sure.
The more I read about Asperger's, the more I see that the behavior problems we have been having all these years seem to fit and now make sense.
I'm relieved to finally have someone take the time to understand my daughter and help us get the help she needs and help us to understand her more. My fear has always been that she will feel lost and misunderstood. I hope that now we will be able to make her life better.
Thanks so much for the information on this page, it is going to be invaluable as we get started on helping her to deal with her meltdowns.
Anyway, here is how my day went:
Took him shopping at Dick's sporting goods. After I got him through the parking lot hearing about how his Dad's Mustang compares to every vehicle in the parking lot, he decides he hates shopping at this store. As we are walking in, he is going on and on about how much he hates the store and why would anyone name a store after a dirty word. After multiple times of telling him to stop and that he is being inappropriate, he continues on with the dirty word talk right past the greater!
On to the back of the store where he decides he needs a lock for his roller skates. I tell him to ask for it for Christmas, but they just can't wait. He has had the skates for months, but they could be stolen at any moment now! He proceeds to follow me around the store pleading his case endlessly. He finally sits down in the shoe area with my boyfriend and his son. At this point he is being down right mean to me, so I walk away and leave him with the boyfriend. He continues to tell them how mean I am, how I don't care about him, and so on. He just can't figure out why I wouldn't let him spend $8 of his money when that would be so much cheaper than losing $200 of his Dad's money!
The fun continues at church where we sit behind a couple with a small infant. The baby is taken by my son, but he refuses to smile......smiling in front of people embarrasses him (and makes for fun pictures with him!). At some point he does decide to make faces at the baby, some not so appropriate. Luckily, he decided to ask me before making the "Chinese" face at the baby.....they were likely Chinese!!!
Then we have a melt down before bed because he decided he needs to make a birthday card for his dad, RIGHT NOW......his birthday is not until next Wednesday!
He told everyone at his birthday party yesterday that the cake was good because it was his recipe (he picked out the flavors). When someone suggested I get credit for baking it, he continued to argue that it was his recipe. Today, when my boyfriend told him the cake was so good because he did a good job at coming up with the recipe......he argued that I was the one that bake it!
My almost 3 year old niece was here yesterday and I realized that she is WAY easier than my 10 year old. She needs less correcting and usually listens when I tell her something. My son needs to be told numerous times before I usually have to go make him do whatever I am requesting. How does this not totally depress a person????? Does this ever get better? Do certain meds really make a difference?
I want to enjoy my son, but I feel like these behaviors make is hard at times. If it is hard for me, I imagine it is almost impossible for anyone else. My boyfriend, my family, teachers, and especially his peers. Any suggestions? I want him to be likeable, but he can make that so hard......and that kills me to even admit!
Thanks for the suggestion of the Glasser book Jenn (June 30, 2011). I had heard this was good and will endeavour to get this now.
Like · · 5 hours ago
the question I have, which I keep trying to find answers to -- what do I do about this? What advice is there for adults? And you know, when I was a kid no one knew about this -- my parents just sent me away to summer camp for three months to give them a break I guess -- but really, it's getting ridiculous -- I can't explain to anyone what is happening, or why it happened -- I can't figure out what triggers it - I can't figure out a way to stop it - they look at me like I'm insane, and so what advice is there for me?
If we could focus on quality education funding for these children, and even the adults we could not lose. The social problems will always be there, we are constantly involving him in our family conversations at dinner. Trying to make sure he focuses on what we are talking about otherwise he will start a whole new subject. But when he is interested in something like guitar hero, he would play till he was the best and beat everyone online. When they are out of control, the last thing you want to do is scream at them, only makes it worse. My son will usually lock himself in the bathroom, which is fine cause hes not making fists at me, which he does and don't realize it as a threat. There are good qualities , better then a normal social person has that can be so helpful in today's world. Lets find our new astronomers, scientists, meteorologist, there hidden in your child try to find the good stuff.
This is a specific example of my rule #1 for dealing with Aspies: Don't assume misunderstanding when superior understanding would suffice to explain the situation.
He is such a beautiful and loving child otherwise but she and her husband don't know how to handle his outbursts. She doesn't want to leave the house anymore. I'm very worried and can't provide relief for them as I live 4000 miles away. Please help! I will encourage her to contact you as it sounds like you have many happy parents who have tapped into your book and advice. Oh, I should mention also that he has a syndrome called Demorsier's Syndrome as well which caused him to be only partially sighted (about 50-60% vision). He seems to have learned ways to compensate for that though and other than needing to be close to objects to see them and not being able to determine depth and spacial areas, he seems to be fine otherwise.