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Kids on the Autism Spectrum: Reasons for Their Behavior

“I would like to better understand my son, who is on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. I want to understand how he thinks, how he interprets what is going on, and how his deficits cause problems. Thanks in advance!”

This is a very good question, because a lot of parents of kids on the autism spectrum will rush into action before they have collected enough information and analyzed what is going on. If you do not know the reasons behind the behavior, you may very likely do the wrong thing. If you know what is going on, you can help things go better.

Realizing that your son will not be a good observer of his behavior is your first step. The youngster with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS) often does not know what to do in a situation. He does not know the appropriate behavior because he doesn't understand how the world works. Or, if he knows a better solution, he cannot use it because he becomes "stuck."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Not knowing what to do - or being unable to do what is appropriate - results in anxiety that leads to additional ineffective and inappropriate actions. Autistic-like behavior is usually a result of this anxiety, which leads to difficulty moving on and letting go of an issue and "getting stuck" on something. This is rigidity, and it is the most common reason for behavioral problems. See the sidebar for a list of reasons for rigidity. You must deal with rigidity and replace it with flexibility early on in your plan to help your son. Flexibility is a skill that can be taught, and you will make this a major part of your efforts to help him.

Reasons for Rigidity—

1. A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action.

2. A violation of a rule or ritual – changing something from the way it is supposed to be. Someone is violating a rule and this is unacceptable to the youngster.

3. Anxiety about a current or upcoming event, no matter how trivial it might appear to you.

4. Immediate gratification of a need.

5. Lack of knowledge about how something is done. By not knowing how the world works with regard to specific situations and events, the youngster will act inappropriately instead.

6. Other internal issues, such as sensory, inattention (ADHD), oppositional tendency (ODD), or other psychiatric issues may also be causes of behavior.

7. The need to avoid or escape from a nonpreferred activity, often something difficult or undesirable. Often, if your son cannot be perfect, she does not want to engage in an activity.

8. The need to control a situation.

9. The need to engage in or continue a preferred activity, usually an obsessive action or fantasy.

10. Transitioning from one activity to another. This is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before he is finished with it.

[Note: Attention-getting is very rarely seen. It should not be considered as a reason for rigidity until all of the above reasons have been considered and eliminated.]

Understanding your son involves knowing the characteristics discussed earlier and how they manifest themselves in everyday behaviors. How does he see the world, think about matters, and react to what is going on around him? The following reasons will help you understand "why he acts the way he does."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Not Understanding How the World Works—

The HFA or AS youngster has a neurocognitive disorder that affects many areas of functioning. This includes a difficulty with the basic understanding of the rules of society, especially if they are not obvious. Life has many of these rules. Some are written, some are spoken, and some are learned through observation and intuition. Your son only knows what has been directly taught to him through books, movies, TV shows, the Internet, and explicit instructions. He is not able to sit in a room, observe what is happening, and understand social cues, implied directions, or how to "read between the lines," and as he is growing up, he does not learn how to do this. Instead, he learns facts. He does not "take in" what is happening around him that involves the rest of the world, only what directly impacts him.

Many of the conversations he has had have generally been about knowledge and facts, not about feelings, opinions, and interactions. As a result, he does not really know how the world works and what one is supposed to do in various situations. This can apply to even the smallest situations you might take for granted. Not knowing the unspoken rules of situations causes anxiety and upset. This leads to many of the behavioral issues that appear as the HFA or AS youngster tries to impose his own sense of order on a world he doesn't understand.

The HFA or AS youngster creates his own set of rules for everyday functioning to keep things from changing and thereby minimize his anxiety. Sometimes, he just makes up the rules when it is convenient. Other times, he attempts to make them up by looking for patterns, rules, or the logic of a situation to make it less chaotic for him and more predictable and understandable. If there are no rules for an event or situation, he will create them from his own experiences based on what he has read, seen, or heard. He will often have a great deal of information to use in reaching his conclusions and forming his opinions and feelings. As a result, some of his conclusions are correct and some are wrong.

He will rarely consider someone else's point of view if he does not consider them to be an "expert." The fewer people he sees as experts, the more behavioral difficulty you will see. He might consider teachers and others to be experts, but his parents will rarely be seen as such. Therefore, he will argue with you about your opinions if different from his own. He thinks that his opinion is as good as yours, so he chooses his. This represents his rigid thinking. He finds it difficult to be flexible and consider alternate views, especially if he has already reached a conclusion. New ideas can be difficult to accept ("I'd rather do it the way I've always done it"). Being forced to think differently can cause a lot of anxiety.

You must never overestimate the HFA or AS youngster's understanding of a situation because of his high intellectual ability or his other strengths. Your son is a boy who needs to figure out how the world works. He needs a road map and the set of instructions, one example at a time.

Frames of Reference—

In trying to understand how the world works, your son tries to make sense of your explanations, but sometimes is not able to do this. As a result, your effort at intervening falls short. This can occur because your explanation has no meaning. Each HFA or AS youngster can only understand things for which they have a frame of reference, meaning they have a picture or idea about this from other sources or from prior discussions. They cannot understand what you will tell them without this frame of reference. For example, when I asked a teenage boy if he missed his parents when he was at overnight camp for a week, he replied that it was not all that long. When I asked him again if he missed them, he said he could e-mail them whenever he wanted. After my third attempt to get an answer he finally said to me, "I can't answer that question. Since I have never missed anyone before, I have nothing against which I can compare my feelings to know what missing feels like." In the next few chapters we will explain how to give your son or adolescent a new frame of reference.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


Preferred and Nonpreferred Activities—

For all children on the autism spectrum, life tends to be divided into two categories – preferred and nonpreferred activities. Preferred activities are those things he engages in frequently and with great intensity. He seeks them out without any external motivation. However, not all of his preferred activities are equal. Some are much more highly desired and prized. An activity that is lower on the list can never be used as a motivator for one that is higher. For example, you cannot get him to substitute his video game playing by offering a food reward if the game playing is higher on his list.

Any activity that is not preferred can be considered nonpreferred. They are less desirable and many are avoided. The lower they are on the list of desirability, the more he will resist or avoid doing them. Sometimes an activity or task becomes nonpreferred because it is made to compete with one that is much more highly valued. For example, taking a bath could be enjoyable, but if the child is reading, and reading is higher on his list, he will resist or throw a tantrum.

Preferred and nonpreferred activities are always problem areas. Your son will always want to engage in preferred activities even when you have something more important for him to do. He does not want to end preferred activities and your attempts to have him end them can produce upset of one kind or another. On the other hand, trying to get him to do nonpreferred activities, such as interacting socially, can also be difficult. If many nonpreferred elements are combined together, the problem can become a nightmare, such as with homework.

The HFA or AS youngster rarely has activities he just likes. He tends to either love or hate an activity. The middle ground is usually missing. Teaching a middle ground or shades of gray can be a goal and will be discussed later. Also, as you try to teach him something new, you will encounter resistance because you are asking him to do something that's not a preferred activity. But, as he outgrows younger interests, he will need to learn new ones in order to have some common interests with his peers. He needs to experience new things to see if he likes them, but may not want to do this just because you're asking him to do something new. He already has his list of preferred interests and will rarely see the need for anything new. Quite often, his preferred list will include computer or video games. However, the more he is on the computer or the more he plays video games, the less available he is to be in the real world and learn something new. Most likely, you will have to control his access to preferred activities if new ones are to be introduced.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors and Anxiety—

Obsessive-compulsive issues, also referred to as rituals, rigidity, perseverations, rules, or black-and-white thinking, originate in the HFA or AS child's difficulty understanding the world around him or her. This creates anxiety, the underlying cause for his/her obsessive-compulsive behaviors. You will see anxiety in many different ways, depending on how your son manifests it. Some kids will show it in obvious ways, such as crying, hiding under furniture, or clinging to you. Others show it by trying to control the situation and bossing people around. Some may hit or throw a tantrum. Some may act silly. No matter how your son displays his anxiety, you need to recognize that it is there and not assume it is due to some other cause such as attention seeking or just plain misbehavior.

Anxiety can occur for the smallest reason. Don't judge anxiety-producing situations by your own reaction to an event. Your son will be much more sensitive to situations than you will be, and often there will be no logical reason for his anxiety. Something that you would be anxious about causes no anxiety in your son, while a small event causes him to be quite anxious. When events change, he never knows what is going to come next and he becomes confused and upset, leading to some form of inappropriate behavior.

Your son's first reaction is to try to reduce or eliminate his anxiety. He must do something, and one of the most effective means is to take all changes, uncertainty, and variability out of the equation. This can be accomplished by obsessions. If everything is done a certain way, if there is a definite and unbreakable rule for every event, and if everyone does as he wishes, everything will be fine. Anxiety is then diminished or reduced, and no upset, tantrums, or meltdowns occur.

Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to do this in the real world. Nevertheless, anxiety needs to be dealt with in some manner. This is the first order of business in planning for many interventions. If you move ahead before this has been settled, it will continue to be a significant interfering factor. Let's look at some examples of this.

Allen, age seventeen, won't leave the house because he wants to have his nails in a certain condition. This condition requires many hours of grooming that interfere with sleeping, eating, and doing just about anything else. This is obsessive-compulsive behavior. Any attempt to get him to leave the house or stop his nail maintenance causes anxiety and is rarely successful.

Anytime Craig, age eleven, hears an answer that he does not like, he becomes upset. If he asks a question or makes a request and the other person's response is not what he expected, he starts to argue with them, often acting out physically. He must have certain answers that are to his liking. This is rigidity in thought and it is also obsessive-compulsive.

Each of these cases has a cognitive and a behavioral component, and both must be considered. Each youngster must learn to get "unstuck" or let go of an issue and move on. They also need to learn how to change their thinking so that it doesn't become a problem to begin with.

Behavioral Manifestations of Anxiety—
  • Becoming easily overwhelmed and having difficulty calming down.
  • Creating their own set of rules for doing something.
  • Demanding unrealistic perfection in their handwriting, or wanting to avoid doing any writing.
  • Demonstrating unusual fears, anxiety, tantrums, and showing resistance to directions from others.
  • Displaying a good deal of silly behaviors because they are anxious or do not know what to do in a situation.
  • Eating a narrow range of foods.
  • Having a narrow range of interests, and becoming fixated on certain topics and/or routines.
  • Having trouble playing and socializing well with peers or avoiding socializing altogether. They prefer to be alone because others do not do things exactly as they do.
  • Insisting on having things and/or events occur in a certain way.
  • Intensely disliking loud noises and crowds.
  • Lecturing others or engaging in a monologue rather than having a reciprocal conversation.
  • Preferring to do the same things over and over.
  • Reacting poorly to new events, transitions, or changes.
  • Remaining in a fantasy world a good deal of the time and appearing unaware of events around them.
  • Tending to conserve energy and put forth the least effort they can, except with highly preferred activities.
  • Wanting things to go their way, when they want them to, no matter what anyone else may want. They may argue, throw a tantrum, ignore you, growl, refuse to yield, etc.

Black-and-White Thinking and Mindblindness--

The obsessive-compulsive approach to life results in the narrow range of interests and insistence on set routines typical of an HFA or AS youngster. However, it usually starts as a cognitive (thinking) issue before it becomes a behavioral one. Cognitive issues, such as the inability to take someone else's perspective (mindblindness) and the lack of cognitive flexibility (black-and-white thinking), cause many of the behaviors we see. We know there is a cognitive element by looking at the youngster's behaviors. There is always some distress, anxiety, or obsession manifested in every inappropriate behavior.

As mentioned, your son's cognitive difficulties lead to inaccurate interpretations and understanding of the world. How someone interprets a situation determines how he will respond to it. Many times, the interpretation of an event is either not an accurate one or not one that leads to positive or prosocial actions. If the event can be reinterpreted for him, it might lead to a more productive outcome. In doing this, we must first try to understand how the child interprets a situation. All of the child's behaviors are filtered through his perception of the way the world works.

Remember, details are extremely important in trying to understand what is happening and what to do about it. Do not try to intervene until you understand, at least to a small degree, what is happening with your son. Changing thinking becomes a paramount issue, but one that is often neglected. However, successful changes in thinking will dramatically increase the success rate of any strategy you use.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Questions to Ask about the Child’s Behavior—

To help you determine the reasons why your son acts the way he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:

1. Because a situation was one way the first time, does he feel it has to be that way always? (Being rule bound.)

2. Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem? (He does not understand the way the world works.)

3. Does he see only two choices to a situation rather than many options? (Black-and-white thinking.)

4. Has he made a rule that can't be followed? (He sees only one way to solve a problem. He cannot see alternatives.)

5. Is he blaming you for something that is beyond your control? (He feels that you must solve the problem for him/her even when it involves issues you have no control over.)

6. Is he exaggerating the importance of an event? There are no small events …everything that goes wrong is a catastrophe. (Black-and-white thinking.)

7. Is he expecting perfection in him/herself? (Black-and-white thinking.)

8. Is he misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true? (Misinterpretation.)

9. Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go? (He does not know how to let go and move on when there is a problem.)



==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

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Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

Lying or Wishful Thinking: Which One Is Your Youngster Doing?

So, you have just caught your child lying to you! Now comes a consequence, right? But wait a minute! Was he really lying, or was it a trait of his or her disorder?

Children with ASD level 1, or  High Functioning Autism (HFA), may puzzle their moms and dads by (a) the quantity and poor quality of their lying and (b) the fact that traditional disciplinary strategies don't seem to change the behavior. For these special needs kids, it may be helpful to think less in terms of “lying” and more in terms of "wishful thinking" (i.e., they often say what they would like to be true, rather than what is clearly and objectively true). This may happen for several reasons:

1. Some HFA children can't predict cause and effect. Your youngster throws a ball and breaks a window. His culpability in the act seems clear-cut to you. But a youngster who has trouble with cause-and-effect thinking may not be able to make the connection between throwing a ball and breaking a window. In his mind, if he didn't intend to do it, he didn't do it.

2. Some children on the autism spectrum don't distinguish between fantasy and reality. What is objective to you may be subjective to your youngster. If one truth is as good as another, your youngster may select the one that seems, in his mind, to best suit the occasion.



3. Some of these children don't know what's true. Kids who behave impulsively may not have a clear awareness of what they have done. Kids who have trouble with language processing may not have understood what was asked or expected. Kids with sensory differences may know only what they feel.

4. Some know that the truth may make you (the parent) angry, and they want to please you. If a youngster has done something wrong -- whether due to impulsivity, compulsive behavior, self-protective behavior, language processing problems, motor planning problems, or other causes related to disability -- he may try to make it right by telling you what he thinks will make you happy.

5. Some children are just trying to get in the conversation. Children with limited life experience or limited vocabulary may want to have something to say - but no true contribution to make. Coming up with a story, however fanciful or false, may seem like the only way to participate.

6. Many of these kids are stressed. If you know that your youngster can't think calmly and clearly when stress levels are high, don't be surprised if you see lots of crazy, stubborn lying in that situation.

7. Most HFA children are telling “their” truth. They often experience the world very, very differently than their mother or father, but that does not make their experience false. If your youngster stubbornly, desperately clings to a declaration that you feel is untrue -- water's too hot, work is too hard, an object can't be found -- ask yourself if it might be only untrue to you.

If your youngster has legitimate special needs that may lead him to tell “wishful thinking” instead of the truth, think carefully before giving consequences for lying. It's important for children to know that they should tell the truth, sure, but if the lying is not deliberate, stiff consequences will teach nothing. When your child engages in “lying behavior,” ask yourself if he is doing so with malice and intent. If not, try these techniques for putting more truth in “wishing”:
  1. Accept remorse as genuine.
  2. Be clear and even-tempered in your expectations.
  3. If the wishful thinking in question requires a response, give a brief, judgment-free time-out.
  4. Leave your youngster unsupervised as little as possible, so you always know the score.
  5. Make sure you have your youngster's attention when you ask a question.
  6. Make sure you tell more truth than fiction yourself.
  7. Respect your youngster's reality, and be open to compromise.
  8. Stay as unemotional as possible when getting to the truth of a situation.
  9. Take "I don't know" as an honest answer.
  10. Tell your youngster what you think happened instead of demanding an explanation.

How can I tell if my child is lying – or simply using wishful thinking?

If you pay careful attention to your youngster's behavior, it will help you tell if he or she is lying. Here’s how:

1. Look at the youngster's facial expression. Kids who are telling the truth have relaxed faces that usually show an emotion that matches what the youngster is saying. If a youngster is lying, however, his face may show anxiety caused by knowing that he is telling a lie.

2. Listen carefully to what the youngster is saying. Stories that are false may contain inconsistencies or elements that don't make sense. The story or parts of it may not sound believable. If you suspect a youngster is lying, ask the youngster to repeat what he just told you. Truthful stories told twice in a row will generally be the same, but stories that contain lies may change dramatically or contain accounts that cannot both be true.

3. Decide whether the youngster's story sounds rehearsed or spontaneous. Kids who are telling the truth will usually tell it "off the cuff"(i.e., the story will sound like a fresh recounting of an actual event). A lie, on the other hand, may sound stilted or rehearsed. Some kids may even repeat the exact same phrases when telling a rehearsed story the second time.

4. Watch your youngster's body language. A youngster who is lying is more likely to appear nervous, defensive or scared. Look for hunched shoulders, a stiff body or face, repeatedly touching the nose or mouth and avoiding eye contact. While some kids are anxious when speaking to grown-ups no matter what they say, kids who can speak comfortably to adults normally, but who are nervous when telling a particular story, may be lying.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Is Aspergers really a "disorder" -- or just a different cognitive style?

Some researchers have argued that Aspergers can be viewed as a different cognitive style, not a disorder or a disability, and that it should be removed from the standard Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (much as homosexuality was removed).

Why? The debate seems to revolve around the concept of "central coherence."

“Central coherence” (CC) is receiving increased attention across a variety of clinical neuroscience disorders. Essentially, CC describes a style of thinking on a continuum. On one end of the continuum, you have people who tend to think globally or use a gestalt perspective (i.e., the big picture is seen rather than paying attention to details). The other end of continuum includes people who are detail-oriented (i.e., they focus on details). Being on either extreme of the continuum can produce problems. Very high CC can lead to problems with missing important details that need attention or action. Those with very low or weak CC can be detail-bound, losing sight of important global interpretations of the situation or environment.

Aspies appear to have low CC and are overly-focused on details to the expense of a global perspective. This could explain typical Aspergers behaviors (e.g., valuing sameness, attending to parts of objects, persistence in behaviors related to details, etc.). With the concept of central coherence in mind, having a propensity for details suggests a “cognitive style” located on – or near – one end of a continuum, not a “disorder” per say.

Aspies have advocated a shift in perception of Aspergers as a complex syndrome  (i.e., a characteristic combination of opinions, emotions, or behavior) rather than a disease that must be cured. Proponents of this view (a) reject the notion that there is an "ideal" brain configuration and that any deviation from the norm is pathological, and (b) promote tolerance for what they call neuro-diversity. These views are the basis for the autistic rights and autistic pride movements.

The Internet has allowed Aspies to communicate and celebrate diversity with each other in a way that was not previously possible (due to their rarity and geographic dispersal). A subculture of people with Aspergers has indeed formed. For example, Internet sites like www.AspergersTeenChat.com have made it easier for Aspie teens to connect.

There is a contrast between the attitudes of grown-ups with self-identified Aspergers (who typically do not want to be "fixed" and are proud of their identity) and mothers/fathers of Aspergers kids, who typically seek assistance and a "cure" for their youngster.

Baron-Cohen wrote of those with Aspergers, "In the social world there is no great benefit to a precise eye for detail, but in the worlds of math, computing, cataloguing, music, linguistics, engineering, and science, such an eye for detail can lead to success rather than failure." Also, Baron-Cohen cited two reasons why it might still be useful to consider Aspergers a disability: (1) to ensure provision for legally required special support, and (2) to recognize emotional difficulties from reduced empathy.

It has been argued that the genes for Aspergers combination of abilities have operated throughout recent human evolution and have made remarkable contributions to human history. Here are just a few of the “abilities” associated with the Aspergers condition (i.e., a low central coherence cognitive style):
  1. Attention to detail – sometimes with painstaking perfection
  2. Higher IQ – some experts say that those with Aspergers often have a higher than average general IQ
  3. Focus and diligence – the Aspie’s ability to focus on tasks for a long period of time without needing supervision or incentive
  4. Higher fluid intelligence – scientists in Japan discovered that Aspergers kids have a higher “fluid intelligence” (i.e., the ability to (a) find meaning in confusion and solve new problems, and (b) draw inferences and understand the relationships of various concepts, independent of acquired knowledge) than non-autistic kids
  5. Honesty – the value of being able to say “the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes”
  6. Independent, unique thinking – people with Aspergers tend to spend a lot of time alone and will likely have developed their own unique thoughts as opposed to a ‘herd’ mentality
  7. Internal motivation – as opposed to being motivated by praise, money, bills or acceptance – which ensures a job done with conscience, with personal pride
  8. Logic over emotion – although people with Aspergers are very emotional at times, they spend so much time ‘computing’ in our minds that they get quite good at it –and they can be very logical in their approach to problem-solving
  9. Visual, three-dimensional thinking – some with Aspergers are very visual in their thought processes, which lends itself to countless useful and creative applications

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I am reading Tony Attwoods book and am waiting for the rest. It is very upsetting thinking about all the time I have lost and realising I must have this problem and no on noticed or did anything. I had the wrong type of counselling from someone who didn't know about AS. Isn't that really damaging ? SHe didn't get me at all. I felt I couldn't say what I wanted to. I felt inhibited and silly. I was worried about the reaction I would get. This is no good if you are having counselling. I read his book and see loads of parallels in my own past. The past which have tried to forget because it is painful and full of conflict. What I need is to compare real life scenarios with other people's experiences. That would really help. It would repair the past and improve my self-esteem. I would see myself in a new light. That's why I am hoping I can put stuff on here and you lot will say yes I did that I know what you mean, ~I am the same.
•    Anonymous said... We always explain it as my husband's brain is wired differently, or he runs a different Operating System - he's running on Linux while us neuro-typicals are running on Windows. It's not just thinking differently; there's more to it than that. But it does have to do with the brain.
•    Anonymous said... I suspect that there is more to all of the Asperger's/Autism/HFA connections than have currently been discovered by science. Generally speaking, I think Asperger's is being more frequently diagnosed because it is no longer culturally acceptable to be emotionally detached. When I read the descriptions of Asperger's symtoms, primarily the stoic expressions, lack of empathy, and perfectionism, I can list off about 50 people of older generations that I've known that would meet those requirements for diagnosis, but would have been considered completely normal until about 30 years ago. In addition, there is still a cultural stigma against any form of mental disability, a stigma that was worse in the past. I think it is entirely possible that we are seeing an increase in diagnosis because more people are seeking diagnosis, not necessarily because there is an increase in the condtion. As far as if HFA and Asperger's is a disbabilty or differenct cognitive style, I tend to think that in some ways it doesn't make a difference. Generally speaking, our society is based around certain rules of conduct and behavior, that have been established by the majority. It isn't good or bad, it just is. That doesn't mean that aspies can't participate, but we do have to understand that we are on the outside adapting to another culture. I tend to think of it as if I moved to a foreign country. I can't expect everyone to change their language and culture to match mine, I have to learn to mesh with theirs. I think it is important to accept both sides, that it is a different way of thinking, but it is also a SOCIAL diability that affects communication, and its the communication side of things that has to be worked on in order to mesh with society.
•    Anonymous said... From my experience (and just my opinion), it is a different cognitive style!

Please post your comment below…

Understanding the Behavioral Problems Associated with High-Functioning Autism

“Our 11 y.o. grandson is a high functioning autistic child and is totally disruptive and seems to want to control everything and everyone. I don't want to give into him but need some suggestions because it is upsetting all of us. The whole family revolves around him and his wants. It even influences his sister - and the sister imitates this dreadful behavior. PLEASE, what can we do?!”

You need to understand what your grandson is thinking, how he interprets what is going on, and how his deficits cause problems before you can begin any intervention strategy. Do not rush into action until you have collected enough information and analyzed what is going on. If you do not know the reasons behind the behavior, you may very likely do the wrong thing. If you know what is going on, you can make a big difference.

To help you determine the reasons why your grandson acts the way he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:
  1. Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go? (He does not know how to let go and move on when there is a problem.)
  2. Is he misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true? (Misinterpretation)
  3. Is he expecting perfection in himself? (Black-and-white thinking)
  4. Is he exaggerating the importance of an event? There are no small events, everything that goes wrong is a catastrophe. (Black-and-white thinking)
  5. Is he blaming you for something that is beyond your control? (He feels that you must solve the problem for him even when it involves issues you have no control over.)
  6. Has he made a rule that can't be followed? (He sees only one way to solve a problem; he cannot see alternatives.)
  7. Does he see only two choices to a situation rather than many options? (Black-and-white thinking)
  8. Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem? (He does not understand the way the world works.)
  9. Because a situation was one way the first time, does he feel it has to be that way always? (Being rule bound.)



Realizing that your grandson will not be a good observer of his behavior is your first step. The high-functioning autistic (Asperger’s) youngster often does not know what to do in a situation. He does not know the appropriate behavior because he doesn't understand how the world works. Or, if he knows a better solution, he can’t use it because he becomes "stuck."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
Not knowing what to do - or being unable to do what is appropriate - results in anxiety that leads to additional ineffective and inappropriate actions. High-functioning autistic behavior is usually a result of this anxiety, which leads to difficulty moving on and letting go of an issue and "getting stuck" on something. This is rigidity, and it is the most common reason for behavioral problems. You must deal with rigidity and replace it with flexibility early on in your plan to help your grandson. Flexibility is a skill that can be taught, and you will need to make this a major part of your efforts to help him.

Understanding your grandson involves knowing the high-functioning autistic characteristics and how they manifest themselves in everyday behaviors. How does your grandson see the world, think about matters, and react to what is going on around him? The following reasons will help you understand why he acts the way he does:

Reasons for Rigidity—
  • Transitioning from one activity to another. This is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before he is finished with it.
  • The need to engage in or continue a preferred activity, usually an obsessive action or fantasy.
  • The need to control a situation.
  • The need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity, often something difficult or undesirable. Often, if your grandson cannot be perfect, he does not want to engage in an activity.
  • Other internal issues, such as sensory, inattention (ADHD), oppositional tendency (ODD), or other psychiatric issues may also be causes of behavior.
  • Lack of knowledge about how something is done. By not knowing how the world works with regard to specific situations and events, the autistic youngster will act inappropriately instead.
  • Immediate gratification of a need.
  • Anxiety about a current or upcoming event, no matter how trivial it might appear to you.
  • A violation of a rule or ritual – changing something from the way it is supposed to be. Someone is violating a rule and this is unacceptable to the youngster.
  • A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action.

Not Understanding How the World Works—

Your high-functioning autistic grandson has a neuro-cognitive disorder that affects many areas of functioning. This includes a difficulty with the basic understanding of the rules of society, especially if they are not obvious. Life has many of these rules. Some are written, some are spoken, and some are learned through observation and intuition. Your grandson only knows what has been directly taught to him through books, movies, TV shows, the Internet, and explicit instructions. He is not able to sit in a room, observe what is happening, and understand social cues, implied directions, or how to "read between the lines," and as he is growing up, he does not learn how to do this. Instead, he learns facts. He does not "take in" what is happening around him that involves the rest of the world, only what directly impacts him.

Many of the conversations he has had have generally been about knowledge and facts, not about feelings, opinions, and interactions. As a result, he does not really know how the world works and what one is supposed to do in various situations. This can apply to even the smallest situations you might take for granted. Not knowing the unspoken rules of situations causes anxiety and upset. This leads to many of the behavioral issues that appear as the high-functioning autistic youngster tries to impose his own sense of order on a world he doesn't understand.

The high-functioning autistic youngster creates his own set of rules for everyday functioning to keep things from changing and thereby minimize his anxiety. Sometimes, he just makes up the rules when it is convenient. Other times, he attempts to make them up by looking for patterns, rules, or the logic of a situation to make it less chaotic for him and more predictable and understandable. If there are no rules for an event or situation, he will create them from his own experiences based on what he has read, seen, or heard. He will often have a great deal of information to use in reaching his conclusions and forming his opinions and feelings. As a result, some of his conclusions are correct and some are wrong.

He will rarely consider someone else's point of view if he does not consider them to be an "expert." The fewer people he sees as experts, the more behavioral difficulty you will see. He might consider teachers and others to be experts, but his moms and dads will rarely be seen as such. Therefore, he will argue with you about your opinions if different from his own. He thinks that his opinion is as good as yours, so he chooses his. This represents his rigid thinking. He finds it difficult to be flexible and consider alternate views, especially if he has already reached a conclusion. New ideas can be difficult to accept ("I'd rather do it the way I've always done it"). Being forced to think differently can cause a lot of anxiety.

You must never overestimate your high-functioning autistic youngster's understanding of a situation because of his high intellectual ability or his other strengths. He is a boy who needs to figure out how the world works. He needs a road map and the set of instructions, one example at a time.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
Frames of Reference—

In trying to understand how the world works, your grandson tries to make sense of your explanations, but sometimes is not able to do this. As a result, your effort at intervening falls short. This can occur because your explanation has no meaning. Each high-functioning autistic youngster can only understand things for which they have a frame of reference, meaning they have a picture or idea about this from other sources or from prior discussions. They cannot understand what you will tell them without this frame of reference. For example, when I asked a very bright teenage boy on the spectrum if he missed his mom and dad when he was at overnight camp for a week, he replied that it was not all that long. When I asked him again if he missed them, he said he could e-mail them whenever he wanted. After my third attempt to get an answer he finally said to me, "I can't answer that question. Since I have never missed anyone before, I have nothing against which I can compare my feelings to know what missing feels like."

----------


Preferred and Non-preferred Activities—

For all high-functioning autistic kids, life tends to be divided into two categories – preferred and non-preferred activities. Preferred activities are those things your grandson engages in frequently and with great intensity. He seeks them out without any external motivation. However, not all of his preferred activities are equal. Some are much more highly desired and prized. An activity that is lower on the list can never be used as a motivator for one that is higher. For example, you cannot get him to substitute his video game playing by offering a food reward if the game playing is higher on his list.

Any activity that is not preferred can be considered non-preferred. They are less desirable and many are avoided. The lower they are on the list of desirability, the more he will resist or avoid doing them. Sometimes an activity or task becomes non-preferred because it is made to compete with one that is much more highly valued. For example, taking a bath could be enjoyable, but if your grandson is reading, and reading is higher on his list, he will resist or throw a tantrum.

Preferred and non-preferred activities are always problem areas. Your grandson will always want to engage in preferred activities even when you have something more important for him to do. He does not want to end preferred activities and your attempts to have him end them can produce upset of one kind or another. On the other hand, trying to get him to do non-preferred activities, such as interacting socially, can also be difficult. If many non-preferred elements are combined together, the problem can become a nightmare, such as with homework.

The high-functioning autistic youngster rarely has activities he just likes. He tends to either love or hate an activity. The middle ground is usually missing. Teaching a middle ground or shades of gray can be a goal and will be discussed later. Also, as you try to teach him something new, you will encounter resistance because you are asking him to do something that's not a preferred activity. But, as he outgrows younger interests, he will need to learn new ones in order to have some common interests with his peers. He needs to experience new things to see if he likes them, but may not want to do this just because you're asking him to do something new. He already has his list of preferred interests and will rarely see the need for anything new. Quite often, his preferred list will include computer or video games. However, the more he is on the computer or the more he plays video games, the less available he is to be in the real world and learn something new. Most likely, you will have to control his access to preferred activities if new ones are to be introduced.

Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors and Anxiety—

Obsessive-compulsive issues, also referred to as rituals, rigidity, perseverations, rules, or black-and-white thinking, originate in the high-functioning autistic child's difficulty understanding the world around him. This creates anxiety, the underlying cause for his obsessive-compulsive behaviors. You will see anxiety in many different ways, depending on how your grandson manifests it. Some kids will show it in obvious ways, such as crying, hiding under furniture, or clinging to you. Others show it by trying to control the situation and bossing people around. Some may hit or throw a tantrum. Some may act silly. No matter how your grandson displays his anxiety, you need to recognize that it is there and not assume it is due to some other cause such as attention seeking or just plain misbehavior.

Anxiety can occur for the smallest reason. Don't judge anxiety-producing situations by your own reaction to an event. Your grandson will be much more sensitive to situations than you will be, and often there will be no logical reason for his anxiety. Something that you would be anxious about causes no anxiety in your grandson, while a small event causes him to be quite anxious. When events change, he never knows what is going to come next and he becomes confused and upset, leading to some form of inappropriate behavior.

Your grandson's first reaction may be to try to reduce or eliminate his anxiety. He must do something, and one of the most effective means is to take all changes, uncertainty, and variability out of the equation. This can be accomplished by obsessions. If everything is done a certain way, if there is a definite and unbreakable rule for every event, and if everyone does as he wishes, everything will be fine. Anxiety is then diminished or reduced, and no upset, tantrums, or meltdowns occur.

Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to do this in the real world. Nevertheless, anxiety needs to be dealt with in some manner. This is the first order of business in planning for many interventions. If you move ahead before this has been settled, it will continue to be a significant interfering factor.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Behavioral Manifestations of Anxiety—
  • Wanting things to go their way, when they want them to, no matter what anyone else may want. They may argue, throw a tantrum, ignore you, growl, refuse to yield, etc.
  • Tending to conserve energy and put forth the least effort they can, except with highly preferred activities.
  • Remaining in a fantasy world a good deal of the time and appearing unaware of events around them.
  • Reacting poorly to new events, transitions, or changes.
  • Preferring to do the same things over and over.
  • Lecturing others or engaging in a monologue rather than having a reciprocal conversation.
  • Intensely disliking loud noises and crowds.
  • Insisting on having things and/or events occur in a certain way.
  • Having trouble playing and socializing well with peers or avoiding socializing altogether. They prefer to be alone because others do not do things exactly as they do.
  • Having a narrow range of interests, and becoming fixated on certain topics and/or routines.
  • Eating a narrow range of foods.
  • Displaying a good deal of silly behaviors because they are anxious or do not know what to do in a situation.
  • Demonstrating unusual fears, anxiety, tantrums, and showing resistance to directions from others.
  • Demanding unrealistic perfection in their handwriting, or wanting to avoid doing any writing.
  • Creating their own set of rules for doing something.
  • Becoming easily overwhelmed and having difficulty calming down.

Black-and-White Thinking and Mindblindness—

The obsessive-compulsive approach to life results in the narrow range of interests and insistence on set routines typical of a high-functioning autistic youngster. However, it usually starts as a cognitive (thinking) issue before it becomes a behavioral one. Cognitive issues, such as the inability to take someone else's perspective (mindblindness) and the lack of cognitive flexibility (black-and-white thinking), cause many of the behaviors we see. We know there is a cognitive element by looking at the youngster's behaviors. There is always some distress, anxiety, or obsession manifested in every inappropriate behavior.

Your grandson's cognitive difficulties may lead to inaccurate interpretations and understanding of the world. How someone interprets a situation determines how he will respond to it. Many times the interpretation of an event is either not an accurate one or not one that leads to positive or prosocial actions. If the event can be reinterpreted for him, it might lead to a more productive outcome. In doing this, you must first try to understand how the child interprets a situation. All of the child's behaviors are filtered through his perception of the way the world works.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
 
 

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  Behavior Modification, counseling, and this may require inpatient therapy. It will be short term. It helped with my 17 year old. We started at age 3.5 years old. The behavior will change for the better or will continue to decline.
•    Anonymous said… bdoes this sound familiar? This is a very interesting read, especially the bit about OCD. x
•    Anonymous said… dreadful behavior is from the adults- he's 11 and sounds like being at the house with people who "won't give in" is stressful.If he had a physical aliment, you would adjust so why, when he is 11 are you just beginning to ask questions about how to help. My kids will not go to people's homes (including their grandfather) because of the lack of empathy of medical issues (physical as well). Although it is not clear what the parents are doing, it's clear you are blaming a child for the family wrongs. What have you done to make him feel welcome, calm, and to be interested in him ? What can you do? Stop judging. Read. Learn. Empathize. Help.
•    Anonymous said… feel like the author has been spying on my son!!  😁 Very good article.
•    Anonymous said… Get a trampoline. We used to put our son on it before and after school to burn up excess energy.
•    Anonymous said… I feel you, things eventually settled down with my son, but I think it's such a strange age and everything is changing all around, some of his peers may be going into puberty, there's the transition to big school, and possibly even hormonal changes in him. I used to battle with my son, but then I realised a lot of his behaviour was due to anxiety, hence the need to control, and the massive meltdowns. Try to be patient, and if possible try to allocate time to spend alone with your daughter, and spoil her a little, my nt child acted up a lot because of her brother having all the attention for what she saw as bad behaviour. Also, try to get in on his special interest, it will help you to have a better relationship with him so you can discuss other things, I know it's tedious hearing every tiny minute detail of something which you have no interest in (good god help me, I don't even care about the lore of the elder scrolls, but I gotta try so he knows I actually care about what's important to him) Also, communicate with him on a more adult level, my son hated being spoken to like a child, even though he was one, he sensed people spoke to him differently to how they speak to their equals. It really helps him to be treated like an adult, and I think it was around 11 when I decided to treat him more like an equal, he's 13 and quite self-responsible now, a thing I thought I'd never see
•    Anonymous said… I would recommend social thinking counseling -- probably individual and group. Also check out the books from Michelle Garcia Winner, the social thinking expert for kids on the spectrum. She has books for kids and teens that are great.
•    Anonymous said… I'm probably not telling you anything that you don't already know...he acts this way with you and your family because he's had to hold it together ALL day at school. Keep setting boundaries, get connected in your area with families that are going through a similar journey...be kind to yourself.
•    Anonymous said… Intense behavior modification. Tools to help them calm triggers, recognizing triggers, group therapy, counseling, environment has a strict structure, family therapy, social skills, empathy, and assessment of current diagnosis. Also, the child will continue to attend school. It can be two weeks to 6 months. It depends on insurance and program.
•    Anonymous said… Is there a Spanish versión of this article!! Live in Spain and would love my sons School to read this as it sums him up! Too much for me to translate..
•    Anonymous said… Please tell others when referring to a child on the Spectrum that "____is an 11 year old child with ASD" The child first please!  I am a 30+ year Special Education teacher with Masters in Special Education. I teach in a self-contained classroom with some amazing students who happen to live and learn with Autism. The most effective programs and the most functional and long term learning that I have used and individualized education around is based on social-emotional learning. The most effective strategy is consistency across all of the child's environments and an at-home positive behavioural support team that consults across school and home.
•    Anonymous said… Poor kid has to behave at school and can't hold it together 24/7. You have to have lots and lots of positive parenting, rules... and stick to them ( which can be v hard and tiring ) but it is possible for things to improve. If you as the parent are in a relationship then be kind to each other ( when you probably don't want to always) and talk to each other. Remember why you're together in the first place and when things seem bad stick together Children like this can cause immense strain on a family unit.
•    Anonymous said… Sounds just like my 8 year old.
•    Anonymous said… This all sounds very similar to my experience (except that I am likely to hear more about "game theory" than "Lore of the elder scrolls" :) ). My younger not son also acts out because of his brothers behaviour.
•    Anonymous said… This article described my 10 yr old daughter exactly. I related to almost everything in it.
•    Anonymous said… We can't figure out what triggers my six year old son. He wakes up, and has the immediate desire to wake everyone, even if it means hurting others to do so. He instantly goes after his three year old brother every time he's near, and separating them doesn't work, because my six year old is terrified to be alone. He's seen three different councilors, a psychiatrist and 2 neurologists all in the last two years. We've tried 9 different meds to try to help calm his hyperactivity, and nothing works for him. He's an angel at school and during his extra curricular activities, but with us, he's a monster. We don't know what to do anymore.
•    Anonymous said… We have two trampolines. Nothing affects his behavior, no matter what we do. He's like this on weekends, all through the summer, and during every break from school. It's literally unbearable. He laughs in your face as he's going after his siblings. He has no fear of consequences, and there's never been an effective form of punishment for him. I completely understand why parents of these children get divorced. They need a break.
•    Anonymous said… What do theu do at inpatient therapy
•    Anonymous said… You have to be really strong...as do all adults who have some childcare responsibilities for this boy....there are no days off as far as rules go... firm but fair and eventually you will get there....I've beeen through it... sending you positive vibes...
•    Anonymous said… your leading with child first, label second is much appreciated. As my own parenting journey progresses I prefer to say "my son is on the Autism Spectrum", or "my son has an Autism Spectrum condition"... I have found I dislike applying the term "disorder" at all, although there is certainly that aspect to it, but i don't want it to be the only thing that defines him...
*   Anonymous said... great read, wish I had known all this when my daughter was much younger. absolutely frustrating to know that she was 'different' by the time she was about 2 but had to wait til she was 12 for the correct diagnosis, the benefit of early intervention is lost for most girls as they mask so much socially..... puberty and autism is a winning combination.... challenging behaviours and the 'undiagnosed' co morbidity of a mental illness makes every day an adventure thats for sure.

Post your comment below…

Help for Behavioral Problems in Children on the Autism Spectrum

"Our Granddaughter is a high functioning autistic child and is totally unruly and seems to want to control everything and everyone. I don't want to give into her but need some suggestions because it is bothering us. The whole family revolves around her and her wants. It even influences her sister (both are 9) - and the sister imitates this terrible behavior. What to do???"

Here are some ideas for both High-Functioning Autistic children...

You need to understand what your granddaughter  is thinking, how she interprets what is going on, and how her deficits cause problems before you can begin any intervention strategy. Do not rush into action until you have collected enough information and analyzed what is going on. If you do not know the reasons behind the behavior, you may very likely do the wrong thing. If you know what is going on, you can help things go better.

Realizing that your granddaughter will not be a good observer of her behavior is your first step. The High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) youngster often does not know what to do in a situation. She does not know the appropriate behavior because she doesn't understand how the world works. Or, if she knows a better solution, she cannot use it because she becomes "stuck."



Not knowing what to do - or being unable to do what is appropriate - results in anxiety that leads to additional ineffective and inappropriate actions. Behavior associated with HFA is often a result of this anxiety, which leads to difficulty moving on and letting go of an issue and "getting stuck" on something. This is rigidity, and it is the most common reason for behavioral problems. You must deal with rigidity and replace it with flexibility early on in your plan to help your granddaughter. Flexibility is a skill that can be taught, and you will make this a major part of your efforts to help her.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
Reasons for Rigidity—
  • A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action.
  • A violation of a rule or ritual – changing something from the way it is supposed to be. Someone is violating a rule and this is unacceptable to the youngster.
  • Anxiety about a current or upcoming event, no matter how trivial it might appear to you.
  • Immediate gratification of a need.
  • Lack of knowledge about how something is done. By not knowing how the world works with regard to specific situations and events, the youngster will act inappropriately instead.
  • Other internal issues, such as sensory, inattention (ADHD), oppositional tendency (ODD), or other psychiatric issues may also be causes of behavior.
  • The need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity, often something difficult or undesirable. Often, if your youngster cannot be perfect, she does not want to engage in an activity.
  • The need to control a situation.
  • The need to engage in or continue a preferred activity, usually an obsessive action or fantasy.
  • Transitioning from one activity to another. This is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before he is finished with it.

Note: Attention-getting is very rarely seen. It should not be considered as a reason for rigidity until all of the above reasons have been considered and eliminated.

Understanding your youngster involves knowing the associated traits and how they manifest themselves in everyday behaviors. How does your youngster or adolescent see the world, think about matters, and react to what is going on around her or him?
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

The following reasons will help you understand behavior patterns:

Not Understanding How the World Works—

Your HFA granddaughter has a neuro-cognitive disorder that affects many areas of functioning. This includes a difficulty with the basic understanding of the rules of society, especially if they are not obvious. Life has many of these rules. Some are written, some are spoken, and some are learned through observation and intuition. Your youngster only knows what has been directly taught to her through books, movies, TV shows, the Internet, and explicit instructions. She is not able to sit in a room, observe what is happening, and understand social cues, implied directions, or how to "read between the lines," and as she is growing up, she does not learn how to do this. Instead, she learns facts. She does not "take in" what is happening around her that involves the rest of the world, only what directly impacts her.

Many of the conversations she has had have generally been about knowledge and facts, not about feelings, opinions, and interactions. As a result, she does not really know how the world works and what one is supposed to do in various situations. This can apply to even the smallest situations you might take for granted. Not knowing the unspoken rules of situations causes anxiety and upset. This leads to many of the behavioral issues that appear as the HFA youngster tries to impose her own sense of order on a world she doesn't understand.

The HFA child creates his own set of rules for everyday functioning to keep things from changing and thereby minimize his anxiety. Sometimes, he just makes up the rules when it is convenient. Other times, he attempts to make them up by looking for patterns, rules, or the logic of a situation to make it less chaotic for him and more predictable and understandable. If there are no rules for an event or situation, he will create them from his own experiences based on what he has read, seen, or heard. He will often have a great deal of information to use in reaching his conclusions and forming his opinions and feelings. As a result, some of his conclusions are correct and some are wrong.

He will rarely consider someone else's point of view if he does not consider them to be an "expert." The fewer people he sees as experts, the more behavioral difficulty you will see. He might consider teachers and others to be experts, but his moms and dads will rarely be seen as such. Therefore, he will argue with you about your opinions if different from his own. He thinks that his opinion is as good as yours, so he chooses his. This represents his rigid thinking. He finds it difficult to be flexible and consider alternate views, especially if he has already reached a conclusion. New ideas can be difficult to accept ("I'd rather do it the way I've always done it"). Being forced to think differently can cause a lot of anxiety.

You must never overestimate your HFA granddaughter's understanding of a situation because of her high intellectual ability or her other strengths. She is a girl who needs to figure out how the world works. She needs a road map and the set of instructions, one example at a time.

Frames of Reference—

In trying to understand how the world works, your youngster tries to make sense of your explanations, but sometimes is not able to do this. As a result, your effort at intervening falls short. This can occur because your explanation has no meaning. Each child on the autism spectrum can only understand things for which they have a frame of reference, meaning they have a picture or idea about this from other sources or from prior discussions. They cannot understand what you will tell them without this frame of reference. For example, when I asked a teenage boy if he missed his mom and dad when he was at overnight camp for a week, he replied that it was not all that long. When I asked him again if he missed them, he said he could e-mail them whenever he wanted. After my third attempt to get an answer he finally said to me, "I can't answer that question. Since I have never missed anyone before, I have nothing against which I can compare my feelings to know what missing feels like."

Preferred and Non-preferred Activities—

For all people on the autism spectrum, life tends to be divided into two categories – preferred and non-preferred activities. Preferred activities are those things he engages in frequently and with great intensity. He seeks them out without any external motivation. However, not all of his preferred activities are equal. Some are much more highly desired and prized. An activity that is lower on the list can never be used as a motivator for one that is higher. For example, you cannot get him to substitute his video game playing by offering a food reward if the game playing is higher on his list.

Any activity that is not preferred can be considered non-preferred. They are less desirable and many are avoided. The lower they are on the list of desirability, the more he will resist or avoid doing them. Sometimes an activity or task becomes non-preferred because it is made to compete with one that is much more highly valued. For example, taking a bath could be enjoyable, but if your youngster is reading, and reading is higher on his list, he will resist or throw a tantrum.
 

Preferred and non-preferred activities are always problem areas. Your youngster or teen will always want to engage in preferred activities even when you have something more important for him to do. He does not want to end preferred activities and your attempts to have him end them can produce upset of one kind or another. On the other hand, trying to get him to do non-preferred activities, such as interacting socially, can also be difficult. If many non-preferred elements are combined together, the problem can become a nightmare, such as with homework.

The HFA youngster rarely has activities he just likes. He tends to either love or hate an activity. The middle ground is usually missing. Teaching a middle ground or shades of gray can be a goal and will be discussed later. Also, as you try to teach him something new, you will encounter resistance because you are asking him to do something that's not a preferred activity. But, as he outgrows younger interests, he will need to learn new ones in order to have some common interests with his peers. He needs to experience new things to see if he likes them, but may not want to do this just because you're asking him to do something new. He already has his list of preferred interests and will rarely see the need for anything new. Quite often, his preferred list will include computer or video games. However, the more he is on the computer or the more he plays video games, the less available he is to be in the real world and learn something new. Most likely, you will have to control his access to preferred activities if new ones are to be introduced.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors and Anxiety—

Obsessive-compulsive issues, also referred to as rituals, rigidity, perseverations, rules, or black-and-white thinking, originate in the HFA child's difficulty understanding the world around him. This creates anxiety, the underlying cause for his obsessive-compulsive behaviors. You will see anxiety in many different ways, depending on how your youngster manifests it. Some kids will show it in obvious ways, such as crying, hiding under furniture, or clinging to you. Others show it by trying to control the situation and bossing people around. Some may hit or throw a tantrum. Some may act silly. No matter how your youngster displays his anxiety, you need to recognize that it is there and not assume it is due to some other cause such as attention seeking or just plain misbehavior.

Anxiety can occur for the smallest reason. Don't judge anxiety-producing situations by your own reaction to an event. Your youngster will be much more sensitive to situations than you will be, and often there will be no logical reason for his anxiety. Something that you would be anxious about causes no anxiety in your youngster, while a small event causes him to be quite anxious. When events change, he never knows what is going to come next and he becomes confused and upset, leading to some form of inappropriate behavior.

Your youngster's first reaction is to try to reduce or eliminate his anxiety. He must do something, and one of the most effective means is to take all changes, uncertainty, and variability out of the equation. This can be accomplished by obsessions. If everything is done a certain way, if there is a definite and unbreakable rule for every event, and if everyone does as he wishes, everything will be fine. Anxiety is then diminished or reduced, and no upset, tantrums, or meltdowns occur.

Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to do this in the real world. Nevertheless, anxiety needs to be dealt with in some manner. This is the first order of business in planning for many interventions. If you move ahead before this has been settled, it will continue to be a significant interfering factor. Let's look at some examples of this.

Jake, age seventeen, won't leave the house because he wants to have his nails in a certain condition. This condition requires many hours of grooming that interfere with sleeping, eating, and doing just about anything else. This is obsessive-compulsive behavior. Any attempt to get him to leave the house or stop his nail maintenance causes anxiety and is rarely successful.

Anytime Michael, age eleven, hears an answer that he does not like, he becomes upset. If he asks a question or makes a request and the other person's response is not what he expected, he starts to argue with them, often acting out physically. He must have certain answers that are to his liking. This is rigidity in thought and it is also obsessive-compulsive.

Each of these cases has a cognitive and a behavioral component, and both must be considered. Each youngster must learn to get "unstuck" or let go of an issue and move on. They also need to learn how to change their thinking so that it doesn't become a problem to begin with.
 

Behavioral Manifestations of Anxiety—
  • Becoming easily overwhelmed and having difficulty calming down.
  • Creating their own set of rules for doing something.
  • Demanding unrealistic perfection in their handwriting, or wanting to avoid doing any writing.
  • Demonstrating unusual fears, anxiety, tantrums, and showing resistance to directions from others.
  • Displaying a good deal of silly behaviors because they are anxious or do not know what to do in a situation.
  • Eating a narrow range of foods.
  • Having a narrow range of interests, and becoming fixated on certain topics and/or routines.
  • Having trouble playing and socializing well with peers or avoiding socializing altogether. They prefer to be alone because others do not do things exactly as they do.
  • Insisting on having things and/or events occur in a certain way.
  • Intensely disliking loud noises and crowds.
  • Lecturing others or engaging in a monologue rather than having a reciprocal conversation.
  • Preferring to do the same things over and over.
  • Reacting poorly to new events, transitions, or changes.
  • Remaining in a fantasy world a good deal of the time and appearing unaware of events around them.
  • Tending to conserve energy and put forth the least effort they can, except with highly preferred activities.
  • Wanting things to go their way, when they want them to, no matter what anyone else may want. They may argue, throw a tantrum, ignore you, growl, refuse to yield, etc.


The obsessive-compulsive approach to life results in the narrow range of interests and insistence on set routines typical of an HFA youngster. However, it usually starts as a cognitive (i.e., thinking) issue before it becomes a behavioral one. Cognitive issues, such as the inability to take someone else's perspective (i.e., mindblindness) and the lack of cognitive flexibility (i.e., black-and-white thinking), cause many of the behaviors we see. We know there is a cognitive element by looking at the youngster's behaviors. There is always some distress, anxiety, or obsession manifested in every inappropriate behavior.

The youngster's cognitive difficulties lead to inaccurate interpretations and understanding of the world. How someone interprets a situation determines how he will respond to it. Many times the interpretation of an event is either not an accurate one or not one that leads to positive or prosocial actions. If the event can be reinterpreted for him, it might lead to a more productive outcome. In doing this, we must first try to understand how the individual interprets a situation. All of the individual's behaviors are filtered through his perception of the way the world works.



Questions to Ask about Your Youngster's Behavior—

To help you determine the reasons why your youngster acts the way she or he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:
  1. Because a situation was one way the first time, does she feel it has to be that way always? (Being rule bound.)
  2. Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem? (He does not understand the way the world works.)
  3. Does she see only two choices to a situation rather than many options? (Black-and-white thinking.)
  4. Has he made a rule that can't be followed? (He sees only one way to solve a problem. He cannot see alternatives.)
  5. Is she blaming you for something that is beyond your control? (She feels that you must solve the problem for her even when it involves issues you have no control over.)
  6. Is he exaggerating the importance of an event? There are no small events, everything that goes wrong is a catastrophe. (Black-and-white thinking.)
  7. Is she expecting perfection in herself? (Black-and-white thinking.)
  8. Is she misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true? (Misinterpretation.)
  9. Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go? (He does not know how to let go and move on when there is a problem.)

==> More methods for dealing with the behavioral problems associated with ASD can be found here...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… a good article for information
•    Anonymous said… A really wonderful insightful article! Adding it to my collection to refer back to. You can never be to supportive or have to much information.
•    Anonymous said… Be firm and everyone help controllIng her behavior. It helps
•    Anonymous said… Don't judge. If one of your grandchildren needed a wheelchair and the other didn't would you complain about the child in the wheelchair needing to be pushed everywhere? Needing adaptations in the house? I'm guessing not.
Perhaps look at a local autism charity to see if they run grandparent classes, sounds like you need some help coming to terms with this and understanding what's going on.
•    Anonymous said… good article
•    Anonymous said… Great article
•    Anonymous said… Hello! This is my life!!
•    Anonymous said… Her sisters need to see her being held accountable for her actions even if it means she has to miss out on priveledges they enjoy. Having a posted "family Rules" w/ rules/consequences and following through may help. Teaching them that their sister has strengths and "weaknesses" just like they do may help. It takes a lot of stamina! Both parents should be ready for teamwork. Alone time with each child is beneficial. Good luck!
•    Anonymous said… Huh, that's weird. I have two 9 year olds one of them aspie. I have questions for the grandparents. First of all, how much actual quality time have you spent with your autistic grand daughter? How often have you engaged in discussion and really listened to her parents regarding the autism? How much respite have you provided and actually came through with for the parents? Also, what is going on with you and your perceptions in needing to see the child with autism as controlling rather than dealing with a neurological difference? I ask because in my situation the answers to those questions are "very little", "very little", "none" and "ignorance". It takes a village to raise an child on the spectrum and every single day I am asking where that village is.
•    Anonymous said… I also find that publicly calling them out on their behavior only creates a power struggle. Privacy seems to work better. Hope this helps.
•    Anonymous said… I live this with my 18 year old. But because you can't see a physical problem doesn't mean there isn't one. My daughter often says the most out landish things before speaking. But they are trying to figure out where they fit in, how, and what is their role/job in this world. Be supportive but choose which battle you are willing to fight. It may not end up quite the way you hope!
•    Anonymous said… Ignorance ...... Educate yourself so you understand not to judge
•    Anonymous said… Make her feel 'safe'. Boundaries make children feel safe but children need to know you love them. all children push to see how far they can go ...they're testing their safety. Always explain why you have rules or do something. Feeling 'safe' is important for anyone but more so for autistic.
•    Anonymous said… My 15 year old daughter has Aspergers and I've learned that her need to control everything is not about controlling everyone around her. It's about her trying to make sense of a world she doesn't understand and doesn't feel like she fits into. It's about coping and trying to create a comfort zone so she doesn't become so overwhelmed that she melts down, which is also often looked upon as bad behavior.
•    Anonymous said… My daughter is controlling. Because she feels so out of control inside, that she tries to control what is outside of her. It is not because she is bad, but because it is a way to cope
•    Anonymous said… my son has aspergers as well I'm not implying anything I know about there outburst. And its hard on us. We try everything we can to make him fee safe. And we pick our battles. I'm sorry if I offended any body
•    Anonymous said… My son was talking inappropriate and was warned. He continued and lost his phone. He then attacked him dad and put holes in the walls and doors. Then hit sister. She called the Police scared. Why is his impulse control so poor he is 14!
•    Anonymous said… The grandparents are ignorant because they dont live with the child 24/7 and if they actually knew the child completely they would understand!! Have dealt with grandparents like this and what will happen is your grandkids just wont be around you if you cant accept them and let the parents do their job.
•    Anonymous said… U have to keep giving lots of love & support even if it revolves around that child for the time being it's very hard but very important that U listen to the child to understand how he/she feels & progress From there! Xx
•    Anonymous said… With any ASD child it's not about changing then it's about us as parents/grandparents to change the way we act/approach them. Unruly? Maybe that's her way of interacting or maybe there's other factors going on like sensory issues. She may have so many things going through her head that's she's trying to process like surroundings, smells, noise that she actually cannot hear you. My one tip is keep language simple. Get the Tony Attworth book, I'll find mine and look for the name.
•    Anonymous said… You are not the parent. Please learn all that you can about Asperger's and autism before you spend a second judging your grandchild or the way her parents are raising her.
•    Anonymous said... I sympathize. It's always been so difficult for me to know where to draw the line. Will say a prayer for you both♥
•    Anonymous said... Is anyone in the uk? Do you know of anywhere I can go for support?
•    Anonymous said... Mine 10 year old son is exactly the same also. And I try really hard not to give in. But my Ex his farther just give him whatever he wants.
•    Anonymous said... My 10 year old son is the same and we are at loss as how to deal with it to.
•    Anonymous said... My 18 yr old twins (especially since "Mom I'm an adult now) are the same......you can't give in to everything or you'll have chaos...as you know.....I pick my battles.....Foul language at home ...(Only used to push my buttons)....I ignore.....
•    Anonymous said... my daughter is the exact same way
•    Anonymous said... my family complained about my son acting this way too, finally I explained to them they are witnessing the disability. these kids see everything in black and white (rigidity), they are not able to be flexible so they come off as demanding and controlling cuz they simply can not help themselves. with alot of patience, there are ways of re-directing instead of simply tolerating it (there are good articles on this website). and the siblings without the disability can be held accountable and taught tolerance of the disability, but I realize that is easier said than done. good luck.
•    Anonymous said... There is a support group near me. I think you could find your local one via your doctor or specialist or just google and see if you get anything ?
•    Anonymous said... We have the same issue with my 14 yr old . We walk on eggshells around her and don't try to punish her because I know what will come if I try that .. She is mean to us and her famous line is always .. What I didn't do anything wrong.


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