Aspergers Students: Navigating Through the Educational System

"Please give me some ideas on how I can work with my son's school (he is high functioning with Aspergers). We are starting to have some academic and behavior problems with him, have tried to educate his teacher about things that set him off and calm him down, but no one seems willing to try anything different, treating our son as though he had no special issues."

If you are wondering how to navigate through the system in order to get your Aspergers (high functioning autism) youngster educated you are not alone. Our kids don't fit so neatly into the main stream educational system. They are often too high functioning for some programs and still need more assistance than other programs offer. While they are in desperate need of socialization, too much is often detrimental. One on one for academics is perfect but does not provide enough stimulation and a classroom environment is just the opposite. The first step is to look at all of our options without leaving any out, even the ones we absolutely reject right off the bat. Taking a good look at every option, the good and bad ones will give us the education we need to come up with creative solutions.

Gather as much facts about every option. Public Schools, private schools, home school support schools, home schooling at home, public online virtual schools, private online virtual schools and of course the laws in your state. Ask every question you can think of. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Ask around, look online and don't let fear rule your decisions. With all my heart I wanted my son to go to the school that was attached to my home church and fear kept me from looking at other viable options for much longer than was necessary.

Leave yourself open to new ideas. My son went to private school till 5th grade. It was absolute torture trying to keep up. Finally when it became obvious that it was no longer working I decided to home-school. It has been a fabulous experience for us both and I wish I had been brave enough to try it sooner. I purchased curriculum, set up schedules and after about a month I put it all in a box and started to concentrate on the things that my son needed most and we worked on those. I went from traditional to eclectic lickety split. I found online games, videos, typing programs, online spelling programs, vocabulary software, online reading programs and we worked on things till he learned them, however long it took. We took piano lessons, art lessons and swimming lessons. We spent 6 months on Math facts. On days that one thing wasn't working we switched to something else. Life is too short. As a result my son reads wonderfully and loves to learn. That was middle school. During that time we also found a wonderful home school support school.

Now that he is starting High School he is taking some classes online and going part time to a nearby Christian High School. Technically he is still homeschooled so he will also be attending a Home School support school. At some point we will use an umbrella school to consolidate his High School Credits in order to get a High School Diploma or he may graduate from the High School he is attending. Every year is different and I have learned to always have a plan A, plan B & even a plan C. These days though I am certain that it will all come together. Fear no longer rules my decisions.

Tips—

1. After getting the facts, think over your options carefully and talk them over with carefully selected people who are sensitive to your situation. I often use counseling services when I get stuck on the tough decisions. Remember: If you have a plan A, a plan B and a plan C it’s easier to move on if something doesn't work out like it seemed it might. Allowing ourselves to think out of the box has been a freeing experience.

2. I am always careful to explain any changes with my son well in advance and prepare him for each transition as best as possible. I also try to anticipate anything that may cause him anxiety or that needs to be addressed a head of time. One example is I always show him around any new setting to make sure he knows his way around very well and knows who to ask if he needs help. I check in often to make sure he is settled in and make sure I am available if I am needed. My son is a special gift to me and I never take that gift for granted.

3. Obviously every option is not right for everyone. That is why it is so important to get the facts not only about your options but the facts about your families strengths, weaknesses, resources and support options.

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Awesome! We are on much the same journey... 5 years in therapeutic schools and finally having the courage to listen... and on year two of homeschooling. It's been a blessing for us all as we grow and change and learn... anything is possible! Not perfect - but better! Thank you - this was exciting and encouraging to read. :) Peace!
•    Anonymous said… great article... we are on much the same journey t midde school part.thank you! :)
•    Anonymous said… Homeschooling successfully...
•    Anonymous said… I got the school to provide my son with the work and a tutor to do homeschooling to take some of the pressure off of me but they only tutor him an hour a day and he is going into 6th grade so I still need to work with him a few hours a day.He has begged me not to send him back ..he hates it.The pyschologists disagree with me and think he needs to be in school for social ization but I think the type of socialization in school is usually neagative anyway so he's not missing anything. I am going to put him into a social group with kids he can relate to.But back to the topic ,I was in the same boat with schools saying he needed to be in the mainstream classroom since he was so intelligent…but its not just about intelligence,what about his anxiety and sensory issues...they just don't get it and don't want to either:(
•    Anonymous said… I had to yell beg scream and cry for 4 years to get my son an IEP... even failing all his classes for the same exec function disability reason for years didnt get the point across .... *sigh* "but he is so smart"..... yes and he forgets everything including his coat even in -20 degree weather .... he needs help... *sigh* a very long bitter battle to finally get him the services he was entitled to for years. hopefully not too late to do some good .
•    Anonymous said… thinking we will do home schooling,
•    Anonymous said… We're homeschooling too
*   Anonymus said... Hopefully you have an IEP for your son. If not obtain this and ask the person doing the screening to include things that help your son behaviorally. If you have it down on paper, from a professional, sometimes it helps. I'm a counselor (my husband is a teacher) and we have a child on the spectrum but even with all our skills it took FOREVER to get the school to understand that children on the spectrum need different things. When we finally got their by in things started to change slowly, but it takes extreme patience (baby steps too), and good understanding from administrators (tolerance for children with special needs). Get everything down in writing when you suggest something to the school. This helps for follow up and just keep plugging away. When our child went to that school district my good friend and I we would utilize each other to bounce ideas, letters, and strategies off of each other before sharing them with the school district. If it weren't for her there were days that would have been tougher! So try to find others in the district that are in the same position as you are and work together. There is power in numbers. Good luck! We ended up moving when things were getting better and are in a district that is COMPLETELY different. It is so validating!

Please post your comment below...

Denying the Diagnosis of Aspergers

Anosognosia means denying that you have a medically diagnosed condition and not following doctors' orders. Kids with Aspergers, diabetes, alcoholism and bi-polar disorder commonly react with anosognosia. Diabetic adolescents typically go through several hospitalizations and insulin crises before they accept the fact that they will have to spend the rest of their lives monitoring their blood sugars, injecting insulin and following a special diet. No one, especially teens, wants to accept the idea of a lifelong disorder that makes him or her different from peers. They often take three to five years to process a diagnosis such as diabetes or Aspergers.

Anosognosia is an "aggressive" reaction to diagnosis, but kids and teens can have other kinds of reactions classified as passive, negative, positive, internal, external or assertive. A passive reaction is: "My doctors and parents should take over my life because I have Aspergers." A negative reaction is about dwelling on the worst aspects of the condition. This is the opposite of a positive reaction, which is concentration on the positive aspects of the disorder: "Asperger's means I'm a genius!" People who react "externally" look for their condition in other people. Finally, people who react "assertively" embrace the diagnosis and take control of their problems.

Many kids go through a gamut of emotions such as anger, fear and denial. Very young kids may be frightened and believe that having Aspergers means they are sick and may die. Some feel isolated, as if they are the only ones with this problem. Still others are angry that they have been singled out to have a neurological disorder. Finally, many kids go through a period of anosognosia. Such Aspies believe that if they try hard enough and ignore their doctors, they can be just like everyone else.

However, if the youngster is over age eight years or so, the most common reaction to a diagnosis of Aspergers is relief. Usually both the youngster and his parents finally and gratefully understand that they are not to blame for the youngster's problems. Many kids are grateful that it's "just" Aspergers because they had come to believe that they were insane. A period of denying the diagnosis is usually just an initial reaction that goes away after the youngster and his parents have time to think things over.

If anosognosia occurs, it is much more common in parents of kids with Aspergers than in the kids themselves. This is one reason that most Aspies do not receive their diagnoses until after they enter school (i.e., moms and dads ignore the signs). The preschooler's average to high intelligence and good verbal skills can mask the problems of social interaction until she spends all day in a classroom with other kids.

In addition, when doctors or other professionals diagnose Aspergers, moms and dads often deliberately choose to skip medical treatment. If the youngster does not have glaring educational handicaps, then accepting services at school is not a clear-cut decision. Many moms and dads do not want their youngster to have a "label" and to become part of the population in special education classes.

Some experts believe that the way a family gets the news about their youngster's Aspergers determines whether they accept the diagnosis. Dr. Tony Attwood is one of the leading experts on this condition and has developed a method of explaining Aspergers to kids over age eight years. Believing that "the person will perceive the diagnosis based upon how the clinician explains it," Dr. Attwood advises doctors to be as positive as possible. They should start out by saying, "Congratulations! You have Aspergers!" and then. "You're not bad or mad, you just have a different way of looking at the world!" The next step is to point to famous people who had Aspergers and lived successful lives such as Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson.

Dr. Attwood advises doctors to divide a large sheet of paper or blackboard into two sections. One column would be a list of attributes of Aspergers, such as "an obsessive interest in one subject." The other column would be the positive aspect of that attribute, such as "advanced knowledge, ability to concentrate for long periods of time, attention to detail." Instead of mentioning social deficits, a doctor would point out that adults often prefer kids with Aspergers and that Aspies have often develop a unique sense of humor and make extremely loyal friends.

Luke Jackson, a thirteen-year-old author with Aspergers, believes adults should tell kids about their condition as soon as possible. "You (doctors) may think you are doing them a favor if you can't fit them neatly into your checklist of criteria and say they haven't got it," Luke writes. "It just muddles them up more and makes them and all around them think they are even more freakish." He and others believe that getting the diagnosis is only a positive experience because you can learn what worked for others, you can qualify for services at school, and you can get professional help from mental health clinicians.

Authors Patricia Bashe and Barbara Kirby are both parents of kids with Aspergers. They tell moms and dads that while receiving a diagnosis of Aspergers can be devastating, things will eventually get better. They write, "There may never be a time when you won't look back and say who your youngster might have been without Aspergers. However, when the shock wears off - and it will - you will realize that this is the same youngster you have nurtured and loved since birth."

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed With Aspergers Syndrome


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... ‎"Labels" are scary to people, especially children. It can be devistating to a child to see their parents perspective of "my child's not 'normal'". The destructive behavior that can go with this is unimaginable and affects everyone in the home. Knowledge & support are what our children need and desire.
•    Anonymous said... ‎"So how does a parent explain it to the child? My son is 10 and was dx'd at 6. We homeschool so it hasn't been an issue. I think he is noticing now and my husband and I are at a loss on how to explain it.
•    Anonymous said... I truly believe that my adolescent cousin has Aspergers. It's very frustrating because I don't think he has been diagnosed. His parents do not seem to care what he does. He has all of the symptoms. Kids and adults do not want to be around him because of the way he acts and they don't seem to realize that he has a problem he can't control. He does not have any friends at school and that really hurts me because I love him so much. His parents love him very much and is told everyday that they love him. I really wish they would get him help.

Post your comment below…

A Divine Cure for Aspergers?!

Last night I had a chat with one of my pastors regarding Aspergers, and he keeps declaring that he believes God will cure me eventually and I'll be normal. To tell the truth, this angers me and I am not sure why. In my opinion, Aspergers is a big part of who I am. Aspergers helps define how I think and feel – it is a major component of my entire life. When individuals speak about how I'll be cured, it tends to make me believe they are not accepting me for who I am. I also question if they would say the same to a blind person or someone with diabetes.

Is the fact that my handicap is one that affects the psychological part of me turn it into a disability that needs to be cured by The Lord? I am going to be truthful in saying this theological issue has caused me great discomfort with my religious organization – to the point of where I am beginning to feel uncomfortable. I do not think it is my pastor’s intent to hurt me in anyway; nonetheless, how do I encourage the church to accept me for who I am, Aspergers and all?

P.S. Also, I'd like to know if you have any similar dilemmas and just how you got through them.

P.S.S. Thanks to MyAspergersChild.com for posting this!

Anonymous

__________________________________________________

COMMENTS:

I can see your point, if it were me however, I don't think I would be looking at this as "lack of acceptance" - rather I would see it as your pastor's attempt at "stepping out in faith". Let me ask you: If you had the choice to have Aspergers or to NOT have Aspergers, which would you choose? I would rather not have it, although I am doing just fine with it.

_____

People with Aspergers tend to fixate on a few areas of interest, and religion and politics happen to be mine. Aspergers includes a deficiency in social skills, and social isolation is one reason that I believe in Jesus. Although I have problems with evangelicalism, I've always liked the way that they present the Lord as a friend, as someone who loves me and has a plan for my life. Even on days when I do not fit in, I can find a friend in Jesus.

_____

For those who have been diagnosed later in life and weren’t aware that they had traits of aspergers.. Were there any cases where this made you interpret the bible (as in those who are born again Christians) differently?? For instance.. I found - interpreting 'love your neighbor as yourself' -- how to interpret how loving another person - when to them the rules of loving are different than to what I consider loving? I got into such a mishap with being to an 'obsessed' level of needing to 'show Gods love' and at the same time ' be a good steward' and also 'submit to authorities'. I am also aware that each person with aspergers is different, so I’m hoping for some help from those who are protestant Christians (not involved in other religion thought too - e.g. Buddhism). A counselor I talked to was quite helpful in this - she said, you know God wouldn’t be a merciful God if He didn’t love you the way He made you. However... also leads me to the question, for aspergers people - does it make it harder to evaluate whether their actions/words as kind to others?

_____

Aspies like structure and predictability, and Christianity gives me that. Not only does it provide me with regular rituals such as church attendance, prayer, and Bible reading, but it also assures me that God is in control of my future. I prefer the idea of divine providence to an unpredictable notion that everything happens on its own, without any plan or purpose.

_____

It seems that Aspergers is more commonly known in the USA. Here, I hadn’t heard of it until my mom told me that she thought I was Aspergian. It was only in 1988 (I think) that Hans Aspergers writings were translated into English for English-speaking Psychologists and Doctors to study

_____

I’ve never really thought too deeply about how asperger's syndrome might affect one's interpretation of scripture. I know far too many non-aspie Christians that have way too literal an interpretation of scripture to start with, and being literal is supposed to be an aspie trait. For myself, I let my spirituality guide me in my interpretation of scripture. As for the scripture you quote - love thy neighbor as thyself - it seems to me that what god is asking is simply that one is as considerate of others as one is of one's self. One is neither asked to be selfless nor selfish. This is a very balanced position. Also, one I not asked to give any more than one is not capable of giving. This is a very balanced approach, which I find deeply profound. Much as we ask to be forgive our trespasses as we are willing to forgive those that trespasses against us. Again, god judges us as leniently or harshly as we judge others. But beyond giving you the above discussion, I’m just not sure what you're diving at here. Are you saying you judge yourself too harshly??? Often we do. We forget that we need to forgive ourselves as well as others. From what you've written, I just can't tell. BTW, I’m a protestant Christian, thought I’m first and foremost of a spiritual rather than of any particular religious persuasion.

_____

The things that give some Aspies a problem with religion are not really problematic for me. God's utter intangibility does not lead me to reject his existence, since we all accept things that we cannot see or touch (e.g., love, air). Overall, the concept of God makes sense to me. The universe had to come from somewhere, and things have to be exactly the way they are for life to even exist. That tells me that there is a creator and designer.

_____

I didn't become a Christian until around the time I was getting dx'ed (about 40). I think I didn't become one earlier because I couldn't understand all the metaphors and so much of the bible is metaphor. I have only started to understand ritual and its significance in the last couple of years. Music and silence always seemed sacred to me. I don't attend a church and I'm not evangelical, so that cuts out a lot of the people contact stuff for me, phew.

_____

Non-Autistic people can actually learn from some autistic people. For example Autistic spectrum people examine details and are a people of "continuity". Now let's look and see how important it is to examine details and how important continuity is! First of all God is a Loving yet, “EXACTING God". His Word is Exacting, His nature is Exacting. He says what He means and means what He says. He/His Word is the perfect Judge. We are to "examine ourselves"....

_____

Back in the early 1970's when I was in the 4th grade I was tested for Autism and other learning disabilities. My parents were never told any diagnosis, but I was placed in special ed classes for the next 5 years. My family was not religious until I was 15. I became a Christian to follow my parents. I read the bible and took it very literally, more so then the others. We where what would be termed today as "Evangelical". I quickly learned that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John had many similarities and would read them in comparison. I found lots of differences and had many notebooks listing them in tabular form (I love tables) This made church and family members mad and I was told that it was bad and evil to read and dissect the bible in such a way. It's who I am, how I work and understand things. he did not understand this. As I grew I took an interest in near-east myths. I found more comparisons to make tables for. I myself had problems as I grew older with the bible. As a literal person, I could not take the bible as anything inspired, but very much contrived and re-contrived by men. That now has been many years ago. My first big problem with the bible was oddly enough about slavery. The bible treating it no differently than any other bronze or early iron aged culture did. I still read the bible every day and night, as it is one of my hobbies, but now all of my tables are in computer data bases.

_____

I am a 24 year old from England who has recently found out he may have Aspergers Syndrome. I'd love to talk to other Christians who have Aspergers Syndrome.

_____

Christianity in general seems to equate being a good Christian with being a social extrovert. "Jesus reached out to sinners, and so we should too," we are told. Evangelicalism also emphasizes community, small groups, and accountability (which I see as social control). Introverts, people with social anxiety, or those who have problems reaching out to others are made to feel as if they are not truly pleasing to God. And, of course, happy happy Christian extroverts get on my nerves anyway. So Christianity has its dark side, as far as I am concerned.

_____

From a Christian perspective, Autism/ Aspergers has been found to be the result of moms/dads with mental illness. They have not found a direct correlation between vaccinations - Autism/Aspergers. Knowing that, moms/dads with mental illness should responsibly think over their decision to pass it on to the kids.

_____

My 5 year old is on a waiting list for speech therapy, until then, I will do the best I can by God's Grace. I might consider taking him to an autism clinic, say once a week, but I will have to be there with him at all times! He is a very intelligent boy, but has trouble communicating and has several typical ritual behaviors that autistic spectrum people have. It would be nice for his dad to help too, but he has his own agenda in life, so I move on, God Bless.

_____

I was glad to read your messages, and see on who is truly desirous to know the depths of God's word, and not content to receive the promises of God without searching out the True depths of them. I was in a forum for those with Aspergers who consider themselves Christian, but I found that many were not Christian, although labeled themselves as such. I left the group because of their having, in the main, left the word of God....

_____

I teach kids with special needs. Often I come across the opinion that religion is not for people with special needs. I am studying how to make the teaching of RE more meaningful in schools, specifically for autistics. I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts on the matter! Particularly - what you find meaningful about your faith, and how faith could be taught in a way that fitted with autism.

_____

It's who you are, you are not hurting anybody, so don't feel guilty, just say things in a polite way and they'll understand, and if they do get upset, it's because you make them feel they made a mistake and it's kind of awkward for them, but just explain and say something like "don't worry I appreciate the gesture, it's just that I have this asperger disorder that makes me feel uncomfortable, that's all, no big deal".

_____

I was starting to think that I was the only other Christian on the autistic spectrum! I find it really hard to understand emotion but recently God came into my life and I understood what it meant to be loved by God. Just to understand this was a miracle for me. now i've devoted my whole life to him! I've got a serverly autistic friend who needs to find the love of christ. For her autism is a big barrier, but God's bigger then anything

_____

I am 20 years old, undiagnosed aspie, and, likely, also a bit ADD. My mom is ADD and my dad aspie, and my brother was diagnosed ADD, but has some aspie traits too. We are all Christian. I'm in college now and a Bible study leader. I've learned how to "blend in" with neurotypicals, but I don't have any other Chiristian aspies that I know of here to talk to. While I definitely do have a relationship with God, it can be very hard for me to connect with him in an emotional way and to hear him, mainly because I don't really know how to listen to him. Whenever I try and get advice, it's always from neurotypicals, and, thus doesn't really..."work" for me.... I would love to hear what other Christian aspies have to say....

_____

If it weren't for God my marriage wouldn't be were it is today. I've been married for 15 years and stayed in business for myself 12 years.

_____

It's a new journey. I am honored to be wired differently, but it does explain my daily struggle. I am 42 and was diagnosed with Aspergers in early 2007. I think I only have 50% of the symptoms.

_____

I am 44 years old and I am a Christian who loves Jesus and I am in the process of finding out from my doctor ADHD and Asperges. I prayed about this last week to God to show me the way cause I know there are behaviors about myself that have puzzled me. I have had depression most of my life. Jesus does not exclude anyone from the kingdom of God. God takes us as we are.

_____

I am in the process of being tested for Aspergers. I am 47. As a Christian, I thought rejection was all about spiritual warfare. But even Pastors told me there was something wrong with me. They could not put their finger on it though. I stopped going to church after 3 pastors did that. I have always felt victimized. Now I hope the understanding of Aspergers will help me to survive socializing. Any insight would be appreciated!

_____

I believe the Bible is filled with people with special needs. Joseph (Old Testament), I suspect, may have had Aspergers. Moses had a speech problem which led to his brother Aaron doing the speaking for him. Jeremiah definitely had some sort of depression.

_____

I don't have Aspergers, but my 15 yr old son does. My spouse wasn't diagnosed, but has many characteristics of Aspergers, also. We are all Christians. My child was only diagnosed at 13, so we are still learning about it. It would be nice to talk with others who have similar situations.

_____

I have a 10 yr.old son that is high functioning autistic.He recently gave his heart to God and though he has trouble socializing with others,when he does it is to evangelize and that is so awesome.He was baptized recently,although he doesn't like to go under water.Our pastor did a wonderful job of getting it done.He loves to sing Christian songs and has gotten up in front of our entire congregation to share his special way of worshipping.It has brought myself and others in church to tears to see him pouring his love out to God in a way that is comfortable to him.Kudos to Pastor Jeff for letting Ronnie do what he loves to do!

_____

God will accept anyone whose heart is pure, and if they have suffered any kind of disease from before birth, or after, God is loving and takes it all into account. The same as He surely forgives those who do not realize they have believed lies that were sent to deliberately deceive them.

_____

I myself have a very mild form of Aspergers. I am only 20 so I can be of help to those younger than myself. What I can say is usually we are pretty intelligent people. Most people don't even know I have it until I tell them. The cool thing about it is, the things we obsess on we usually excel beyond the normal level. The important thing is to always tell your loved one that are unique, not strange.

_____

I want to know how to connect with Christians that have Aspergers or have family members with AS. My 12 year old daughter was diagnosed three weeks ago and my 19 year old son probably will be. He has nearly every single symptom! I can't believe we never saw this before now. My spouse also has many of the symptoms and our marriage has been very difficult. We are both in social work and have had many clients with AS and were both surprised when our daughter was diagnosed that we had not see it before. I keep telling my kids that God has a plan for them just as he does for all of his kids and their AS is a part of that. That is very hard to see right now.

_____

I'm a Christian with formally undiagnosed Aspergers and I find it so hard to be accepted in church 'society' that at the moment, I don't go to a church but would really like to join a group that Kathy mentioned! Let me know! Sam

_____

I'm autistic (Diagnosed!) and I've had a strong bond with God ever since I was born. I love God and cannot imagine life without having such a good relationship with him. I thought I would share that with you.

Well by autistic I mean diagnosed with Aspergers. But they're not 100% sure I'm AS they think I may be High Functioning Autism.

_____

I have decided to home school my kids. Most people just don't understand Autistic people, whether they are high functioning or low functioning. It can be very difficult to deal with them at times, but I have put this in God's Hand's. --Mrs. Smith

_____

Where I can, I try to put other peoples' needs before my own. Think that's the Christian thing to do. For me, the core of Christianity is about selfless service to others. If anything, my conscience is simply a tool to tweak me when I get it wrong.

_____

My Autisic Child at the age of 3 1/2- 4 one day saw me holding the Bible and pointed to It, and said "JESUS", I didn't teach him these things yet! Now this is a young "autistic young person" that can't even talk that well, and he had it right, yet many Adult's don't even get It! The very young and innocent never fail to amaze me!

_____

Well, once I found an e-message after my mom died, asking someone if I might have Aspergers. I looked it up. The characteristics were so descriptive of me. But also I noted how they all somehow were related to how I knew I can be into myself and not able to deal with things not going my way. And God had been dealing with me already about all this. So, I saved some money and time, by confessing this to Him and trusting Him for His correction and healing so I would become first attentive to Him and caring about all others as myself. His love cures us into His personality of how He is loving (1 John 4:17).

_____

Yes, and I had been wondering the same thing. Of course, I knew there had to be but did we have a voice? I'm glad to see this here as well as other sites. I have 2 kids on the spectrum, one with Aspergers and one with that vague and frustrating pddnos. I deal with behavior problems that I would like advice on from a Christian perspective.


More comments:

• Anonymous said... God may choose to cure the Pastor too
• Anonymous said... It seems very narrow minded.
• Anonymous said... That is so presumptuous and adds an element of judgment to illness that is really just gross. When I was a kid, my grandmother had a priest to perform an exorcism to get rid of my epilepsy. I don't see how what the pastor is proposing is any different - jest less theatrics.
• Anonymous said... The thing that makes me so sad about these type of pronouncements is that there is incredible grace in accepting things the way they are. If anyone lives their life on the basis that things will be better when ... they never fully live in the present and maximise all the blessings that already exist. I do believe the God heals today but He doesn't seem to do it very often but He does help us to live the best life possible with what we've got.
• Anonymous said... I don't listen to such gobshitery
• Anonymous said... if you were created by God, aren't you just the way you're supposed to be? Maybe s/he needs to learn acceptance.
• Anonymous said... ur angry maybe because u know in your heart you ARE normal. this is your normal. it doesn't have to be anyone else's. Trust your heart & all others must prove themselves to u. b strong.
• Anonymous said... Whilst I do believe that God can cure people with various illness, I do agree that all should be accepted and I hate the word "normal", what ever that is. I too was told that all I had to do was pray and my illness would be taken away. However, a lot earlier, I had a blessing from an Elder in my Church who said that the problem would not be taken away, but I would be given the strength to cope with it and that I was loved just as I was.
• Anonymous said... You should be angry!

Please use the comment link below to add your comment...

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for June, 2016]

Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark..
I am working on the 4 week program with My Asperger Child ebook & I am excited about the positive changes that I believe I will see.  I am raising my grandson, Tenzin who has been diagnosed with HFA, ODD, anxiety & ADHD.  Tenzin is 10 and is a handful.  After taking the quiz I realize dhow over-indulgent I have become in my quest to avoid the daily battles.  Now I am able to see where I need to change things with him & myself.  I am very interested in your ebook My Out of Control Child.  How do I go about ordering this.

I have also read your Teaching Students with Aspergers & HFA and Teaching Social Skills & Emotional Management.

Thank you for the work that you do in this area.  It really makes a difference.

Namaste...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you Mark.

At this moment, I am beside myself with worry although I am not fearful.

My son Nicholas, who is 14 has not been diagnosed with Asperger's but I believe he has it.

We live in Trinidad and Tobago but Nicholas is a U.S. citizen by birth.  We returned home 10 years ago.

He has been doing well at school and we always thought he was a bit quirky but fine.

Now he has hit a wall with his studies.  He's accustomed to doing well academically but now he complains of feeling burnout,

is sad and depressed and will simply not study or do any work at all.  Today is the end of year exams and he is suffering severely;

so are we.

There are no known professionals in the field here, although many are knowledgeable about the condition.

Your newsletter and linen of communication is a God send.
Thanks so very much.

Jacqui

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Hutten,
I work at a Jr/Sr High School in a rural town in Nevada. I am the attendance secretary on top of taking care of the ISS students. I am always having parents come to me all upset and not knowing what to do because their child refuses to come to school and they are a handful at home as well. The parents are always saying they just do not know what to do anymore. I am always researching things on the internet that might help these parents. I came across your site. It sounded pretty good, so I bought the book in hopes that it would have some good information I could pass on to these parents. If everything looks as good as it sounds, I would like to give the parents a copy of the website so they can check it out for themselves and see if it would be of any help to them in dealing with their children.
If you have any other information that might benefit these parents, and would like to send it on, I would appreciate it.
Thank You!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Mark, I just purchased your handbook. Your YouTube videos and website have gotten me the closest yet to understanding my son's issues. He is very high functioning and not a single teacher or counselor at school has raised a flag yet, but we know something is wrong and we always have. He's been to different social workers / Counselors because of what we thought were bullying tendencies to the point of hurting his twin brother (both physically and damaging/breaking his spirit) - but even the social workers have not had much effect nor given me any feedback that any makes sense. The breaking point that really pushed me to research much deeper online than just the basic "10 signs of Autism" was last week when he had a friend over for a play date (which my son begged for and wanted) but the child ended up going home early, upset and crying because my son just ended up ignoring him and not caring about what his friend wanted to do. And my son just did not 'get it' when I tried to explain, for the millionth time, how friendships and play dates work. It's as if he really wants to have friends and relationships, but when he tries, they fizzle. I ended up forcing my son to call his friend on the phone later that day to apologize and I had to give him the exact words to use ("I'm sorry for hurting your feelings")  - but I now I realize that my son didn't even understand what he was forced to apologize for.

Anyway - my husband and I have a million other stories like this one. Met with pediatrician on Monday and are now in process of trying to get him evaluated for whatever this is. We are very scared and so upset over this.

I will read your handbook and if I could reach out to you going forward it would be great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello, I am 23 years old, female and I think I might have Aspergers or ADD. I am consulting with someone to get a formal diagnosis. Well, but I have been very high functioning at least till now, but I am finding it very difficult to cope. Could you let me know if you could help me out. Mainly, the thing is I have this urge to keep moving( I have to live in a new city every year), and that has really hurt my social life. And I don't like admitting that I have social anxiety. There is this other problem that I avoid doing my finances or paying my bills and I can never seem to eat meals on time. Also I get easily overwhelmed by minor things. Also I have a degree that I have failed to complete. My parents think I am just misbehaving or taking it too easy but I feel like I am trying so hard and still nothing is working out. So, any help you could provide will be great.
I remember when I was a teenager, I bought a book that explained how to do your daily tasks like grooming, putting on clothes and a classmate laughed at me t, but I really wish I kept that book with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your quick reply.
It was such a relief to read your info as it keeps things simply clear and just what we need, as my 19 year old wonderful boy is feeling very isolated at university.  It is a common problem for him.
I have not yet told him I think he has Asbergers which I think he has, at the very high functioning end. 
I would be very grateful if you know of any groups or individual communication in put that he could get in London that follows your style or even better if you are running any talks etc in England.
If you could let me know I would be very gratefully.
Thank you once I was at my wits end before reading your info this morning as my son keeps asking me what's wrong with him and why people won't include him or in his words "let him in" socially.

Kind regards, Anne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mark

I  purchased your ebook a couple of months ago. I have read it and listened to the audio as well. Your material is the only material I have ever read that exactly describes and identifies with the experience I have had with my son. You have an insight into this subject that is unique. This has given me great hope. Thank you.

I found the audio especially helpful. Listening to the emails sent to you from parents, their experiences with their sons are so strikingly similar to my own situation they made me realise my family is not alone in dealing with these issues.

We live in England. My son is now 23. He was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 5. Growing up he was a difficult child. As soon as he started school the teaching staff began to report difficulties. Basically it was found he just could not learn at the same pace as other children nor could he maintain a happy coexistence with the other children in class. I was constantly being called in through all his school years to help with managing his behaviours.

He left school at 16 with minimal qualification. He at least learned to read and write.

He chose to go to college where he did a vocational work preparation course.

Since leaving there he has had several jobs all of which he lost in exactly the same ways the parents described in your audio material. I.e he appears to sabotage his jobs by exhibiting non cooperative behaviour after a very short period of time. He will deliberately break workplace rules over and over until he is fired.

If I were to describe all aspects of his behaviour over the years and list all the incredible, bizarre, dangerous and distressing situations that the family have lived through with him, it would run to pages and pages and pages. A book in fact.

Living with my son is driving me and my wife towards insanity and our family towards breakup.

I wish your material was available to us when he was young. If we then could have moderated his behaviours by using your techniques I am sure we could have avoided at least some of the disastrous happenings we have experienced. I am trying as best I can to use your techniques now. I am hoping it's not too late to help him change.

To describe the current situation:
He is living in a tent in my back yard. We can't trust him at night in the house. Social services refuse to house him saying they can't place him anywhere. They housed him in various places for nearly a year but he kept being evicted due to his behaviours. Over the past year we have also tried placing him with relatives, even setting him up in a nice shared flat near to one of his workplaces but all ended in utter failure due to his outrageous behaviour.

He fills his days with watching videos on the Internet and playing video games on a console.

When he loses his temper he smashes up his own possessions most of which are things we bought for him. He has destroyed thousands of pounds worth of phones, computers, televisions, games consoles, iPods, bicycles etc. He also smashed up his own car (bought with his disability money). He has also broken much furniture, dishes, doors and windows in my home.

He has self harmed, cutting his arms many times. Recently he has broken his wrist and damaged the other one. He also jumped off a first floor balcony and injured his knee.

On several occasions recently he has injured me, including punching and throwing objects at me. He has also punched his mother and pushed her to the ground on several occasions.

He has called the police out many many times. This is an obsession with him. We can't allow him to posses a phone anymore for this reason and besides, he smashes every phone he gets.

He now has a criminal record for wasting police time and arson.

His mother does most of the caring for him as I have full time job and she recently lost hers due to redundancy.

He has developed a serious drinking problem.

He will not eat regular meals despite all food being provided. Some days he will not eat anything. I am convinced he uses this as a tool to distress his mother.

Generally he is extremely manipulative of the whole family usually by using his bad temper and threats to smash things up as the means of control.

He doesn't seem to be able to function on his own without constant hourly supervision by his mother. This cannot continue because she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandson is 7.  He is a bright kid who has had a tough environment that has improved tremendously over the past 12 months.  He used to have one melt down after another when he was 1-4 years old but has progressed to the point where I have not seen one for over a year and at home he has minimal disagreements with his mother (we did nurtured heart).  The problem is school.  He occasionally has a total meltdown, throwing desks, etc.  The school then calls his mother who has to come and get him.  When she asks what happens they can’t tell her.  When we ask him, he has told me the other kids are “annoying”.  She is so frustrated and afraid of losing her job that she has gotten him prescribed anxiety medication which I do not think is a solution and frankly scares me.  It also is not really helping.  He does not have many friends and the couple he has have behavior problems worse than his, he gets along fine with his family.  His mother, my husband and I are all trying to think of a way to stop the outbursts without being there…do you think this social skills series would help us, help him?  We are hoping to get him back into a regular classroom, the “team” at school complains constantly about his behavior and he behaves close to 100% perfect when he is not at school.  Any suggestions?  The professionals that have worked with him seem to think he has anxiety and PTSD, I am not so sure since he does fine everywhere but school.  He is a middle child, a sister 2 years older and a sister 2 years younger. Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Elisa and I am married to an undiagnosed aspergers / autistic man.  I also have some aspe tendencies myself but still need more emotional connection with my husband than he does with me.  I would LOVE to get your ebook, and will if it is the only option, but I have dyslexia and cannot stand to read more than 10 pages of anything.  It is terribly difficult for me to intake info in the written format.  Do you have an option for an audio download for the book or is there a way to download group sessions that address some or most of the book?  I am willing to pay a lot more for an audio version, it's not the money.  Do you have any options for someone like me?

Thanks so very much for creating something that gives us wives' hope.  I truly believe you have strategies that will help us.  After 18 years of near constant frustration, depression, and anxiety - I just want to be able to find a way to be happy with him - if that is even possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently l found my son always imagine and copy the character in the cartoon. He is seven years old. Last few weeks, he imagine he is super hero and always fight for weak. His imagination effect his school activities. Sometimes, he even fighting to his friend. I have talked to him. He told me that the super hero need practice fighting. I dun know how l can help him. Cos this made his friend stop playing and keep distance with him!
Please give me some suggestions. Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Hi Mark,
    
     My name is Shannon. I won't go into a long-winded story of what why and how just now. I came across your site and wonder if you can help myself and my boyfriend (used to be common-law) remove resent from his 20yr old daughter. My boyfriend (seems weired to call him that since we did live together for 7 years) lacks connection with his daughter and doesn't know what else to do. She won't let him in and resents me greatly. He does not speak my name or have me to the house for fear that she will leave. This is very wearing on our relationship as well.
    
     Can you help us and do you do Skype consults? I feel like my BF would be more receptive to a phone or Skype call rather than reading or listening to CDs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    

Hi Mark,

Thanks for being so honest! Same thing happens to me.

My son is 19 years old and has some very mild signs of Aspergers, but enough for his peer group to exclude him quiet a bit, except for a couple of friends when he is back for college.

He found it very hard at college being rejected by people his own age ie not included.

It's tough.

When he was at school he saw a psychologist and I paid privately the Assessment said he showed some mild features of Aspergers.  He saw a speech therapist and ot.

We live in London and would be very grateful if you could recommend any one like you to give him. And or me a bit of advice re blending in a bit more.

Nicks voice tone is sometimes a bit high and can sound a bit immature.  Also he can sometimes look a little ridged.

Although small things I think this does not help him re being accepted by his peer group.

Any advise would be very welcome as we have not found anything here that has hit the nail on the head like your article.

He gets very sad and angry especially about rejection and not having a girlfriend. Help! I do not have the answers, but he is great fun and a really interesting person.

Many thanks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark,

I hope that it is ok to email you. I'm sure you are a very busy man. I am a parent from the UK and came upon your webpage through FB yesterday.

I was wondering if you had any experience of working with children who are on the spectrum but are also profoundly deaf?

My daughter is 8 years old and was profoundly deaf at birth. She was bilaterally implanted at 19 months. We spent 4 weeks at the John Tracy Clinic in Los Angeles when she was 3 years old which was hugely beneficial. Once we returned to the UK, we enrolled with a fortnightly AV programme until she was 6 years old.

Looking back I was particularly naive when looking at my daughters behaviours and difficulties and up until 2 years ago, I believed that it was due to her hearing loss.  Having now met more and more hearing impaired children, it is more clear that her issues are not solely due to her hearing loss.

I am taking her to be assessed for Pathalogical Demand Avoidance/ASD in September. I have believed for a while now that she either has Aspergers or PDA. PDA strategies have helped enormously with meltdowns.

I have read several of your blog posts now and will continue to digest over the weekend.

One thing I was unsure of, is the involvement of Speech and Language Therapists? Do they assist with the social problems that these children suffer with?

Look forward to hearing from you


Laura

Developing Friendships: Tips for Children and Teens with Aspergers

Question

My daughter has difficulty socializing with her peers. One day, she has friends, and the next day no more. When conflicts arise, she doesn't know what to say, do. She doesn't know how to express in words her feelings. She tries, but it's confused. She sees things as black and white. How can I as a parent help her?

Answer

Here are some tips for those Aspergers (high functioning autistic) individuals who struggle with developing friendships:

1. Think about the person you want to be friends with. Anchor your thoughts on the other person. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• How might they feel about what you want to say?
• What might they think?
• What do you know or remember about them?
• What might they want to talk about?

2. Watch your non-verbal body language. Your physical presence ‘greases the wheel’ of conversation. How you present yourself physically will plant the seed in your friend’s mind that you want to talk to him/her. Here are some ideas to keep in mind:

• Your shoulder and hip positions show whether you plan to stay and talk, or whether you just want to offer a quick message and leave.
• Your body movements show what you plan to do next (e.g., do you want to stay, or do you want to leave?). Remember that your body posture and movements communicate messages to people, even if you don’t mean to.
• Your body language and facial expression “talks” to people around you, showing them how you feel about things and how you feel about them.
• It is critical to remember that effective communication is based on reading and understanding the body language and facial expressions of the people around us.
• If your head, neck, shoulders, arms and hips are generally relaxed, you are showing the other person that you are at ease and comfortable with your communicative partners. At times, you need to physically relax your body to comfort your communicative partners.
• How you stand and hold your body will show whether you want to talk to them or not.

3. Make eye-to-eye contact. Use your eyes to think about others and watch what they are thinking about. Eye contact is one of the mechanics of showing interest in people, but ‘thinking with the eyes’ is the broader concept that helps people with Aspergers understand the ‘why’ behind eye contact. It may be helpful to discuss eye contact and watch examples of proper eye contact. In this way, the individual with Aspergers will come to understand how to effectively use eye contact to talk with others.

One of the challenges that Aspergers individuals face is that they are very good at learning language, but do not always understand how to use language to build and maintain friendships. Language needs to be used to relate to the other individual’s beliefs, emotions, prior experiences and thoughts.

People with Aspergers are very talented at talking at length about areas that interest them. Unfortunately, they often talk “at” the other person rather than talking “with” them. As a result, others feel annoyed, mistakenly believing that the Aspergers person is self-centered. Here are some points to consider:

• Add your own thoughts to connect your experiences to those of others.
• Ask questions to learn more about people; make comments to show interest.
• Listen with your eyes and ears to determine people’s intentions and hidden meanings.
• Make comments that support a person’s idea, or add comments that support discussion of the idea without bluntly condemning other people’s thoughts.
• Think about what you know about the person to whom you are talking.
• Try connecting your ideas to things that are interesting to others.
• Use small units of language (or body language) to support people’s ideas, or at least show you are actively listening.

RE:  "She sees things as black and white."  Click here for more information on this topic...


The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Aspergers/HFA Children and Excessive Crying

Question

My 9 year old daughter cries all the time. When I tell her about something she has done wrong or try and correct something... she starts crying – even when she spills a drink or something on herself. I never shout or even tell her off... I think she would faint if I did!! She must have uncontrolled emotions or something, not being able to deal with them properly perhaps.

Answer

Can there be too much crying? Should we be concerned at some point when school-aged children cry? I think yes.

Often Aspergers and high functioning autistic (HFA) children feel criticized by their parents who tell them that they shouldn't cry. Hurt, they may cry more when told to stop crying. That's why I think we should downplay the message, "Don't cry," and play up the message, "Let's think of better ways you could handle this situation without crying." This approach makes us allies, trying to help our children grow up.

Another key for parents is not to reinforce excessive crying behavior. For example, Michael cries when he is frustrated. Rather than assisting him in response to tears, the parents could say: "We'll be glad to help you when you pull yourself together and ask for help in a big boy voice." The message should be, "It's not a good idea to cry about small things. Use your strength. We want to help you be strong."

Children on the autism spectrum often keep crying as long as it seems to work for them. When it doesn't, they eventually quit. If they are upset about something, we want them to learn to handle their feelings in more powerful ways.

One factor that generally triggers Aspergers and HFA children to stop crying is social pressure. If older children cry often in front of peers, they generally will be ridiculed. Parents can point this out while they teach their children other, more powerful responses to difficult situations.

Kids on the autism spectrum do indeed have problems with low-frustration tolerance, and they are very sensitive to changes in routine as well as certain environmental stimuli. As parents, we want to treasure our child's sensitivity. But, we also want to teach both boys and girls to tolerate some feelings without crying and to express certain emotions in more mature ways.

==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Tantrums and Meltdowns

Aspergers Teens and Picky Eating: Questionnaire

Question: "Are you a fussy eater?"


My whole life, I've found that I seem to be more fussy than most when it comes to foods. It seems to be more the texture that bothers me about the food than the taste itself.

My meals consist largely of the same things every day. When I eat a particular thing, I tend to get addicted to it and will eat it constantly for days and days until I finally get sick of eating the food I kept on eating for so many days.

I suspect that it's my Aspergers that has made me fussy when it comes to food.

I've heard of lots of babies/toddlers with Aspergers who vomit when they try to swallow foods of certain textures. This was the case for me when it came to many types of foods when I was a young age. The main food that I remember vomiting after trying to swallow was potatoes. It was simply impossible for me to swallow mashed potatoes without throwing up or gagging until I was maybe ten years old or so.

==================================================

Hi,

Yes, I am the most fussiest eater that there is. However, I think that it's related to the OCD part of Aspergers, and the way that we like everything to be predictable and in order. When we are in a restaurant, for example, we feel out of control about what we eat. Sometimes, I can just 'let go' and order anything, but mostly I get anxious about what the chef will make (despite me choosing off a menu). I also have Bulimia. I don't think that the eating disorder + Aspergers issue has been discussed at all on this forum.

==================================================

For sure.

My mom has always said I’m the pickiest eater she knows. Texture definitely plays a big role in it. Cheese and eggs, fish and mushrooms, I won't touch. Usually I just won't eat if those foods are on the menu. When I sleep over somewhere I always dread breakfast because it usually involves eggs or grilled cheese sandwiches, so I’ll usually go hungry.

Lately I’ve been living off of ground beef or pork chops with a side of pasta.

I've been to certain fancy restaurants that are big on exquisite foods, and I’ll order a simple hamburger and fries...

==================================================

Very similar to me. With me this is structure at first, and appearance, and then smell. I smell everything (food, clothes, other things, skin...it helps me feel things and like them if I smell it, whatever it is), but then it comes to taste. Anyway, I have trouble with trying new things and even as a toddler, so I can't try new food in any way, if I am not psychically prepared. I'd freak out if I am pushed to do it when I am actually not psychically prepared to.

==================================================

There are some things I simply can't stand eating, but I would think that's more just to do with personal taste.

My pickiness isn't so much to do with me being picky about what I eat, but more that I tend to stick to what I know. I'm very reluctant to try different foods, and the thought of doing so simply freaks me out a bit.

I also don't particularly like other people preparing food. As soon as I see that someone else's hands are involved in making the food, it freaks me out. But I just force myself to go along with it. I'd look like a complete nutter if I was all, "Nope, I can't eat that... I saw you touching the food while preparing it." BUT, if I don't see the person preparing the food, it doesn't get to me at all.

==================================================

This was a big topic with my Psychotherapist. She asked many questions about how I eat and what I eat. She also asked my Mother the same questions when it was her appointment, but geared more towards when I was a toddler, obviously. My Mum told her I would always eat the same sort of food and reject all others. I think it was baked beans for quite a while... Poor me, looking back!

Nowadays I'm no real different; I eat the food I like and do not touch others at all. I don't tend to eat many vegetables, save for carrots and sweet corn. Texture was not really brought up but positioning of food was. Although I can eat it I like all my food to be separate on the plate and on its own - not grouped together. I also tend to eat with my fork far more than my knife. Many meal times I will simply not even use the knife once, and stab/cut the food with my fork.

She also asked if I could tell the difference easily. That is to say if I had chicken soup and then another day was prepared a different make of it (but not told) would I be able to tell? The answer being "Of COURSE."

==================================================

When I was a kid I was a very picky eater because I always worried that there were germs in the food and food always reminded me of horrible things, for example, sausages looked like fingers, chocolate sauce looked like dog poo, melted cheese looked like vomit, etc. Also, I couldn't eat in the presence of anyone who didn't look clean. If my grandfather came round I had to eat in my room, because he looked unclean to me, and I couldn't eat anything around him at all. Poor guy! What a monster kid I was. I am okay now.

==================================================

I'm going to be the odd-man out here.

No, I have never had problems with foods in that way. I was the easiest child to feed that you could possibly imagine. While other kids were picking candy from the Ryan's buffet, I was going for the broccoli and the spaghetti. So, I suppose I was a bit weird with food... but not in a picky way so much. I'm still like that too. I don't eat much candy or junk, I prefer real food, and have no problem with ~97% of veggies and fruits. There is some food that I don't like, but everyone has dislikes, so I don't attribute it to my AS. I do have my own food quirks though... I don't try to eat the same stuff every day, but it doesn't bother me if I do, if I like the food. I can't tell the number of times I've eaten leftovers, and everyone else was sick of it, and I was still eating it because it was there. What it is doesn't really matter to me; food is food. It all looks the same coming out anyway...

I have one other quirk that is related to OCD, which is that I tend to eat things in a certain manner or pattern. Any cereals with different kinds of pieces deserve its own ritual for consumption. Lucky Charms take me a while to eat because I have to eat the non-mallow pieces first, and then eat the mallow pieces in a certain order. Whenever eating malleable things on a plate, I have to mash the food against the lip in such a way that the food makes a semi-circle pattern. I do the same thing with cereals that consist of one design, but I eat a hole (circle) in the middle, and then mash it against the side to make the half-circle.

==================================================

I too would happily eat the same meal for weeks on end. I ate nothing but tuna mayonnaise sandwiches when I first moved out of my parent's house. I started avoiding the local mini market because they were starting to question me about buying the same things every time and it was a little embarrassing. I am really fussy with bread and have to examine it and sniff it before I use it. I will not eat the first or last biscuit in a packet, these have to be binned. If I'm eating chips then the ends must be pulled off.

When I was going through the diagnostic interviews, the psychologist did actually touch on eating disorders. I suppose what I went through years ago could technically be called bulimia though I never thought of myself as having an eating disorder. I simply didn't like eating and couldn't be bothered. I weighed seven stone at my lightest when my ideal weight is actually closer to ten.

A Child on the Autism Spectrum Interviews His Parents

Hi everybody, my name is Matt. After reading questions and answers to Mark Hutten, I was so sad to hear all the problems parents are having. I know I’m only 10 but I decided to interview my parents what they thought about my autism and how they helped me so that I could share with you:

Me: When did you first think I was different?

My parents: We noticed when you were about 3 years old, when you decided to stop eating.

Me: What did you do?

My parents: Well we went to the pediatrician who told us this was normal, and not to force you to eat, that you would eat when you decided to. Well that was a mistake still to this day you won’t touch a lot of foods.

Me: What did you think when the psychologist told you I had autism?

My parents: We were torn. We were happy in a way that we finally found out why you were acting differently, but sad thinking how can we help you?

Me: I don’t understand?

My parents: Every parent’s first impulse is thinking “what did I do wrong?” When we found out it was autism, and it was not our fault, this made us feel a little better. But now knowing that you have an autism spectrum condition,  it made us feel helpless thinking how can we help you. Matthew, every parent wants to help his or her child live a happy life.

Me: Is there anything you think helped me get this far?

My parents: Yes. I made sure ever since you started school I asked you four simple questions. Tell me something good, something bad, something happy something sad. This made you talk about your day and we could elaborate on a specific topic, which was most important to you. Now every day we talk about all different topics.

Me: Yes we still do it today, but I call it debriefing now.

Me: How did you get me to try new things?

My parents: The one that best works for you is reward and consequence. Do you remember when you would not ride your bike for the whole summer?

Me: Yes

My parents: Well it was not until I purchased a computer game and told you, that you could not play it until you rode your bike. You learned to ride a bike in 2 hours.

Me: Is there anything else you think that helps me?

My parents: Matthew it’s all trial and error. There have been times a strategy may work but the next day fails completely. We find its one step forward and 2 steps back. I get told a lot of the time that I’m a pessimist.

Me: What does that mean?

My parents: It means I look for the worst things in life. I do this to try to look ahead on what problems could arise for you. Everything I try to teach you now is not to learn for today but 2 years from now. I have always tried to teach you some problem solving of situations that may arise as you get older. Hopefully with constant repetition when this time comes, it would have sunk in and you would be ready.

Me: Are you tired of having a son with autism?

My parents: If you mean tired as exhausted, there are times, but I get the same exhaustion from telling your brother to pick up his clothes. Matt I’m a mom. I’m tired all the time. It goes with the territory. If you mean am I tired of you… NEVER. I wanted two boys and I was blessed with two wonderful boys, so to that answer - no!!!! You are a wonderful son with so many gifts to offer and I love you and will always love you.

Post-script-

Matt: "I hope that this may help parents. As my mom and dad said, 'it is all trial and error' and if these worked for me maybe they may be able to help your kids with autism."

----------

Resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

  

Anonymous said...Made my eyes my eyes a little moist. My daughter and I have similar conversations and I don't always know what to say but try to be insightful and honest. My daughter believes fully that I am her hero in life and that's so much to live up to when I feel at a loss so often. I feel so alone sometimes. Reading this conversation between parent and child really really helps to feel not so alone. So thank you!
  at 7:46 AM  

Anonymous said... I loved this article. Your mom gave some insight into how to get my 6 year old to share his day w/ me. I hope to have conversations like yours with him someday. I love him very much!!
   at 1:57 PM

Help for Bullied Asperger’s and HFA Children Who Become Bullies Themselves

A large body of research has documented the difficulties associated with being bullied – and with bullying other kids. Young people who are bullied suffer more anxiety, depression, loneliness, post-traumatic stress – and have a heightened risk of suicide. Kids who bully are more likely than other youngsters to experience peer-rejection, conduct problems, anxiety, academic difficulties, and engage in rule-breaking behavior.

Recent research has shown that a substantial number of kids with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) who have been a victim of bullying become bullies themselves at some point. A distinguishing feature of AS and HFA children is that they struggle to control their emotions. For example, they may unintentionally prompt kids to bully them again by reacting very emotionally to teasing, threats or physical aggression, and may have similar problems controlling feelings of anger and frustration, predisposing them to retaliatory aggression.

Given that these young people experience a broader range of behavioral and emotional difficulties than do “typical” kids, it is not surprising that AS and HFA victims of bullying experience anxiety, depression, peer-rejection, a lack of close friendships, and the cognitive and social difficulties often apparent in bullies themselves (e.g., a greater acceptance of rule-breaking behavior, hyperactivity, a tendency toward reactive aggression, etc.).

In addition, these victims are at greater risk for psychiatric disorders and criminal offenses in young adulthood than are kids dealing with only one of these problems. Also, they have proven to be less responsive to a comprehensive school-based program for kids with severe emotional disturbances. As a result, it is of the utmost importance that they receive support and services that address the full spectrum of their needs.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Programs designed to address emotional and behavioral problems associated with being bullied:

1. Self-control techniques have been used in the treatment of both aggressive and anxious kids with AS and HFA. Given the difficulty these children have controlling their emotions, it is advisable to make this deficit a key target of interventions. “Special needs” kids develop better self-control over their emotions by learning to recognize the physical signs of anxiety or anger (e.g., muscle tension) by practicing positive self-talk (e.g., “I should stop, take a few deep breaths, and think before I act”) and utilizing relaxation techniques (e.g., muscle relaxation, deep breathing) to reduce emotional arousal and delay an immediate response to a stressful situation. This will provide careful reflection (e.g., problem solving, cognitive restructuring) prior to taking retaliatory action.

2. Problem-solving skills training is another strategy common to programs targeting behavioral or emotional problems. AS and HFA kids are helped to think of several possible solutions to a given problem, and to reflect on the positive and negative consequences of each in order to choose the technique that will maximize positive consequences in both the short- and long-term. Kids who are bullied – and then bully others in return – rely too heavily on aggressive solutions, whereas anxious or depressed youngsters often default to avoiding their difficulties.

Problem-solving skills training can be used in either case to broaden the repertoire of constructive coping techniques and enhance decision-making. Decreasing depression and anxiety related to being bullied would be helpful in itself for victims, but it may have the added benefit of reducing negative moods that render AS and HFA kids vulnerable to engaging in explosive, emotional and reactive aggression.

3. Cognitive restructuring has been used to deal with aggression, anxiety, and depression in AS and HFA children. The central feature of this technique is to identify thoughts that increase anger, anxiety or sadness, challenge their accuracy, and replace them with thoughts that are more realistic and less destructive. For example, a child may learn to recognize that his anxiety rises when he assumes that all of his peers would “think he is dumb” if he were to give an incorrect answer in class. Instead, he may be encouraged to take a more realistic view, recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, and that when other people make mistakes, he does not usually think badly of them. To reinforce this concept, the child may use some positive self-talk (e.g., “It’s OK to make mistakes, because it’s how we all learn”).

Applied to behavioral difficulties, cognitive restructuring techniques are often used to emphasize that there is more than one way to explain the actions of other kids. For example, since kids who are bullied – and then subsequently become bullies themselves – do not often give their peers the benefit of the doubt. They may be inclined to see teasing as cruel, which would increase anger and the likelihood of an aggressive response. However, it is equally likely that teasing may be good-natured, and in teaching AS and HFA kids to be open to this possibility, the number of peer conflicts that result in episodes of bully-like behavior may be reduced.

As a therapist who has worked with families affected by autism spectrum disorders over the years, what I see most often is that many AS and HFA kids who have been bullied by peers in elementary and middle school tend to become bullies themselves around the high school years. But, they usually do not bully their peers at school, rather they find easier targets to misplace their aggression. This is usually parents (especially single mothers) and younger siblings. In other words, they bring their frustration and aggression home with them and take it out on family members.

AS and HFA children who are victims or bullying face a complicated array of social and emotional challenges, and it is crucial that concerned moms and dads, educators, and mental health providers recognize the full extent of their difficulties, and tailor interventions to match their complex needs. More research is needed to create and evaluate programs that integrate cognitive-behavioral techniques for the treatment of both behavioral and emotional problems associated with bullying. Until that happens, parents, educators and clinicians can broaden the focus of existing school-based and clinic-based interventions by applying the strategies listed above. 

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism