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Children on the Autism Spectrum and "Out-of-Control" Tantrums

In this post, we’re going to look at temper tantrums in children with ASD Level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA). Tantrums should not be confused with meltdowns. There does seem to be a fine line between tantrums and meltdowns, so if you’re not sure which is which, view this video first: What is the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum?

Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding. HFA temperaments vary dramatically — so some kids may experience regular temper tantrums, whereas others have them rarely. They're a normal part of development and don't have to be seen as something negative. However, unlike “typical” children, HFA kids don't have the same inhibitions or control.

Imagine how it feels when you're determined to program your DVD player and aren't able to do it no matter how hard you try, because you can't understand how. It's very frustrating! Do you swear, throw the manual, walk away and slam the door on your way out? That's the grown-up version of a temper tantrum. Children on the spectrum are also trying to master their world, and when they aren't able to accomplish a task, they turn to one of the only tools at their disposal for venting frustration — a temper tantrum.
 
Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

Several basic causes of temper tantrums are familiar to mothers and fathers everywhere: The youngster is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, temper tantrums are often the result of frustration with the world. They can't get something (e.g., an object or a parent) to do what they want. Frustration is an unavoidable part of their lives as they learn how people, objects, and their own bodies work.

Temper tantrums are common during the second year of life for all kids. This is a time when kids are acquiring language. However, kids on the autism spectrum generally understand more than they can express. Imagine not being able to communicate your needs to someone. That would be a frustrating experience that may precipitate a temper tantrum. As language skills improve, temper tantrums tend to decrease.

Another task that all kids are faced with is an increasing need for autonomy. However, even though HFA kids want a sense of independence and control over the environment, this may be more than they may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as a youngster on the spectrum thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me." When these kids discover that they can't do it or can't have everything they want, the stage is set for a temper tantrum.

Avoiding Temper Tantrums—

The best way to deal with temper tantrums is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some strategies that may help:

1. Autistic children are more likely to use temper tantrums to get their way if they've learned that this behavior works. Once the young people are school age, it's appropriate to send them to their rooms to cool off. Rather than setting a specific time limit, mothers and fathers can tell them to stay in the room “until they've regained control.” This option is empowering, because these kids can affect the outcome by their own actions, thereby gaining a sense of control that was lost during the temper tantrum.

2. Children on the Autism Spectrum have fairly rudimentary reasoning skills, so you aren't likely to get very far with explanations. If the temper tantrum poses no threat to your youngster or others, then ignoring the outburst may be the best way to handle it.  Continue your activities, and pay no attention to your youngster – but remain within sight. Don't leave him or her alone, otherwise he or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other uncontrollable emotions.

3. These kids may be especially vulnerable AFTER a temper tantrum when they know they've been less than adorable. Now is the time for a hug and reassurance that your youngster is loved, no matter what.

4. HFA children  who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a temper tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This also applies to temper tantrums in public places.

5. Consider the request carefully when your youngster wants something. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your battles carefully, and accommodate when you can.

6. Distract your youngster. Take advantage of your child's short attention span by offering a replacement for the coveted object or beginning a new activity to replace the frustrating or forbidden one. Also, you can simply change the environment. Take your youngster outside or inside or move to a different room.
 
How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

7. If a safety issue is involved, and the youngster repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold the youngster firmly for several minutes. Be consistent. Young people on the spectrum must understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.

8. Keep off-limits objects out of sight and out of reach to make struggles less likely to develop over them. Obviously, this isn't always possible, especially outside of the home where the environment can't be controlled.

9. Know your youngster's limits. If you know he or she is tired, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or try to squeeze in one more errand.

10. Make sure your youngster isn't acting-out simply because he or she isn't getting enough attention. To a youngster on the spectrum, negative attention (a parent's response to a temper tantrum) is better than no attention at all. Try to establish a habit of catching your youngster being good ("time in"), which means rewarding him or her with attention for positive behavior.

11. Occasionally your "special needs" youngster will have a hard time stopping a temper tantrum. In these cases, it might help to say to say, "I'll help you settle down now." But, do not reward your youngster after a temper tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to him or her that the temper tantrum was effective. Instead, verbally praise the youngster for regaining control.

12. Set the stage for success when your son or daughter is playing or trying to master a new task. Offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also, start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.

13. Temper tantrums should be handled differently depending on the cause. Try to understand where your youngster is coming from. For example, if he or she has just had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort. If he or she is simply a sore loser at games and hits a playmate, then you may to provide a consequence.

14. The most important thing to keep in mind when you're faced with a boy or girl in the throes of a temper tantrum – no matter what the cause – is simple yet very important: Keep your cool. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration. Even kids on the spectrum can sense when mothers and fathers are becoming frustrated. This can just make their frustration worse, and you may have a more exaggerated temper tantrum on your hands. Instead, take deep breaths and try to think clearly.

15. Try to give your "special needs" child some control over little things. This may fulfill the need for independence and ward off temper tantrums. Offer minor choices, for example, "Do you want orange juice or apple juice?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after taking a bath?" This way, you aren't asking "Do you want to brush your teeth now?" …which inevitably will be answered "no."

16. Your youngster relies on you to be the example. Smacking and spanking don't help. Physical tactics send the message that using force and physical punishment is acceptable. Instead, have enough self-control for both of you.

17. You should consult your child’s pediatrician if any of the following occur:
  • tantrums arouse a lot of bad feelings
  • tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration
  • you keep giving into your child’s demands
  • your youngster displays mood issues (e.g., negativity, low self-esteem, extreme dependence)
  • your youngster frequently hurts himself/herself or others
  • your youngster is destructive
  • you're uncomfortable with your responses to the child's tantrums

Your doctor can also check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the tantrums (e.g., hearing or vision problems, chronic illness, language delays, learning disability, etc.).

Remember, temper tantrums usually aren't cause for concern and generally diminish on their own. As these young people mature developmentally, and their grasp of themselves and the world increases, their frustration levels decrease. Less frustration and more control mean fewer temper tantrums — and happier mothers and fathers.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Children on the Autism Spectrum and "Low-Frustration Tolerance"

"I was just wondering, my daughter who is 9 (diagnosed as asd, as our doctor doesn’t like to put them into one category, but says if she did my child would be high functioning!) doesn't have aggressive meltdowns, it’s more a crying depressive meltdown. Like I just had to ask her to tidy her room, and was explaining that if she picked up her things she wouldn’t have to tidy it this much. While I was telling her (I never shout or swear, i promise) she was crying, whilst putting things away, getting frustrated with drawers and things. I then came back after doing other things in the house, and found her just lying on the floor of her room with her comfort blanket. She is now watching a film in her room, took off her clothes and is in bed with one of the blinds shut. I asked her what was wrong…But she never seems to know how she is feeling, and just says she is ill. She said I had told her to do too many things. (Plus we had just been to the super market half an hour before) does this sound like a meltdown of some sort? She is never aggressive...just emotionally unbalanced, cries easy, often seems depressed. I hope someone can help. I am worried I might be handling things wrong!"

It may seem like they over-react to the small things that happen, but it is a fact that kids with high-functioning autism and Asperger's have little emotional control and get frustrated easily. That's where they need your help and the help of others qualified in the area of emotions.

Ask yourself these questions about your child's frustration: 
  • Does she throw things and hurt people?
  • Does she withdraw to someplace she feels safe?
  • Does she yell and cry?
  • How does your youngster show her frustration?
  • What do you do when she gets frustrated?
  • Do you give her time alone to try to deal with it?
  • Do you take it personally, or do you jump in to soothe her when she is on the brink of crying?
  • Is it best to talk about the issue or let it go?

Kids on the autism spectrum have a low toleration for frustration. This frustration comes from a lack of understanding of their feelings. They are unable to identify and express what they are feeling, so they lump all the 'bad' feelings together. The parents see the overflow of 'bad' feelings come out at once. It's important that we don't take them personally, even when they seem as though they are directed at us. These kids want to tell us what is on their mind, but most of the time they don't know how to say it properly, or they misinterpreted their thoughts altogether.




So what can moms and dads do to help their youngsters with frustrations?

If the youngster is exhibiting threatening behavior and seems unable to control it, then getting her to work with a professional is the best approach if she doesn't already have one. Many times, a therapist can provide coping techniques for the youngster to deal with her feelings. Also, a therapist can provide the parent with valuable insight and tools for helping the youngster deal with her feelings. There are also medications that a doctor can prescribe to help calm these outbursts and let the youngster think it through.

A child who is obviously frustrated but not particularly threatening or violent still needs help, and parents can provide that through on the fly discussions. An older youngster can be reasoned with on what triggered the outburst and how she can deal with it the next time. It's important that these discussions be held calmly and rationally. If the youngster feels accused or threatened, then she will not be receptive to what the mother or father has to say. It may help to have a therapist facilitate these types of conversations.

The bottom line is if your youngster appears to have a low tolerance for frustration and it is happening more frequently, then she needs help understanding what it happening to her. This kind of help can come from a number of places, and the most important players are the parents. Don't take it personally, rather understand that your child is literally brimming over with 'bad' emotions and doesn't fully realize what she is doing.


==> Click here for more advice on helping your child with low-frustration tolerance...


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I'm reminding myself that when Quinlan has a bay day no matter how frustrated or upset I am, he's 100 times more frustrated and upset. Woosah
•    Anonymous said... I had to do that reminder a few times myself today. Calm usually is easy for me, but not always.
•    Anonymous said... I'm normally calm and laid back. I think yesterday was one of those challenging days. Today has been nice and calm. With the occasional texture panic. ;) Thank you for letting me know, I'm not the only parent reminding themselves.
•    Anonymous said... On days when I'm at my whits end and I'm in my room crying, I remind myself that at least I can take a break. He can't. He always has Asperger's...
•    Anonymous said... Very well said. I'm so glad I finally found other moms who understand our daily struggles and joys.
•    Anonymous said... Thank you. I have selfishly held the attitude that even though others can take a break, I can't because I always have a son with Asperger's.... but what about him? stabbed me right in the gut. I mean it - thank you.
•    Anonymous said… Have the same issues with my son who is 8 with Aspergers - he just can't process so much at once, and gets shut down. Finding the balance is hard but I'm ever hopeful - this year is better than last year, new challenges but we know more too. x Good luck and remember it's a learning curve for both of you. x
•    Anonymous said… I found the Speechie and Ot helped with managing such sensory overload and executive function/organizing issues. Breaking down tasks, visual step by step and lists help to build the habit.
•    Anonymous said… it sound like sensory overload at the store. Lucky you for the meltdowns. Once you understand how the sensory funnel works you will figure how to avoid the overloads
•    Anonymous said… My 13 year old is exactly the same
•    Anonymous said… My adoptive teen is not aggressive but he is more of a quite depressive mode. He does have the capability of deceptive explosive behavior, If he is bullied by others. Otherwise, he shuts down!!!
•    Anonymous said… My daughter is like this as well. Even a statement like tidy your toys is to vague for her. She needs specific put your stuffed animals in the basket or whatever it is. She can't break it down into smaller tasks on her own. I have found that putting pictures on drawers help a little so she can see what goes there. To her it isn't messy and she sees no need to clean it so that's why giving specific tasks helps. At least with her maybe it will help you to. I know of we go out I can't ask anything from her for a minimum of thirty minutes because it is to much for her. Being around people is to demanding and exhausting for her. Hope that this helps at all.
•    Anonymous said… My son can become frozen if I ask him to do more than one thing at a time. He will flop onto his bed and bury himself in his blankets and squeal. Someitmes he paces back and forth not knowing what to do with himself and will scream or grab his hair. He is twelve and this is not always his reaction but if he is trying to concentrate on something like building lego or whatever and I ask him to put his shoes on, feed the chickens, and wash his hands, this is enough to put him out of sorts. Sometimes I ask him to brush his hair and he brushes his teeth smile emoticon He does not always have the headspace to hear what I am saying sometimes because he is always thinking of really intricate and detailed things and it takes time for him to find his way back to the world where people are making demands of him.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 8 and would do something similar in the same situation. Try breaking the job down into much smaller jobs. We give him a list to work through so he can cross of what he has done and see that there is an end to it. Does that make sense?
•    Anonymous said… My son is more this way as well.
•    Anonymous said… My son is the exact same way!! Those are his meltdowns. He just shuts down and cries. He never knows why he has them.
•    Anonymous said… My son is the same way. I will admit though, that my son is pretty manipulating when it comes to doing chores. He can be aggressive and have meltdowns, especially if I ask or tell him to do something like clean his room. He has also developed a depressive attitude with low self esteem which hurts so badly as a patent. Anyway, I've found it goes a lot smoother if I tell him instead specifically what he needs to do one thing at a time. So instead of telling him to clean his room, I'll ask him to put his toys in his closet and also offer to help him with something else, say, put his books away. If I want him to run the vacuum, I'll tell him that I'll dust. It also helps if I plan a room for us to do together. This way it doesn't seem to overwhelm him as much. Hope this helps.
•    Anonymous said… My son started school two weeks ago, he has just turned five. I find we get a mixture of absolute emotional helplessness to extreme anger and aggression. The aggression is always followed by emotional turmoil and upset and the need to feel squeezed. I have realised that his meltdowns vary and I also realise that he also cannot process more than one task at hand. One reason I know this is because he is very intelligent and has always been very 'forward' academically in comparison to his peers, yet, now he is at school I he is not really displaying any real high level of intelligence . His teacher explained to me ( when discussing something else) that gabriel often makes mistakes even when she knows he knows the answer , he also seems eager to please and rushes , this is particularly the case when there are seven or so children taking part in an an activity around a table , once there is only he, or one other child left at the table with the teacher he answers accurately all the time . He often needs to be asked a question twice, the first time to process he is being asked something and to get over the feeling of pressure or stress of being asked and then the second or third time to actually answer the question. Please don't misunderstand me, it is not of great importance that he is seen as being highly intelligent at school, I refer to this point because it has helped me understand how he functions and why he acts in certain ways. I think the difference is that he is completely overloaded and can't process what he is doing whilst at the same time watching and listening to the other children. He also doesn't respond under pressure and can actually look completely vacant as though you aren't even there let alone have asked him something . If I give him a small list of say two or three things to do he will despair. He will demonstrate sheer frustration without even attempting anything. This is true of any direction I give him that follows further instructions . He becomes frustrated so easily too, especially if it's something asked of him that is not within his usual routine. I do find that he responds better with one thing given to him at a time with the next introduced after. I also have to put a real enthusiastic positive emphasis on everything . He also cries so easily , is emotionally all over the place a lotOf the time but particularly when tired or feeling exhausted . He often complains of tired legs a lot which seems to distract him from anything else that I need him to concentrate on . He says they are heavy when he lifts them. His anxiety issues can also be at different levels from one day to the next dependant on other factors such as tiredness and how sensitive he is on a particular day.
•    Anonymous said… My son who is 12 now thrives on structure, written out step by step responsibilities for the day he can check off when completed. Helps him keep a routine and doesn't get overwhelmed. My daughter who I also suspect is on the spectrum deals with emotional anxieties. Cries very easily and can not seem to control it. Anxiety medication has helped both my children with their sensory issues that can change on a day to day basis.
•    Anonymous said… Probably over loaded. Sounds like my son. The shopping was probably enough to overload her-all the sensory overload! Maybe a break after shopping b4 any tasks may help in future...X
•    Anonymous said… The phrase "low frustration tolerance" has always described my 9 yr old Aspie. Emotional and intense follow right behind. We are always teaching strategies for recognizing emotions, identifying those big feelings as they're coming (instead of after they overflow), etc. It's a skill we will always be practicing, I think.
•    Anonymous said… Yes, this is what I would see with my daughter - more of a shutdown than a meltdown. I didn't recognize it for what it was for a long time (because her younger brother was having over the top meltdowns) and only got her diagnosed at sixteen. Good for you for being so attuned to your daughter! And if it helps, my daughter was the same with her room and now it's completely organized and when it gets out of hand she can do it herself.
•    Anonymous said… You are not alone. I have a nineteen yr old on the spectrum who has some of the same issues. Lots of love and patience!! Keep your chin up Momma! Find a good network of parents for support!
•    Anonymous said… Your beautiful girl sounds just like my beautiful girl (also aged 9) who can get overwhelmed at the simplest of tasks or become stressed at the most benign of issues. There is no right or wrong way, as some days she copes better than others. We work hard to support her to become more resilient and confident - she has self esteem issues also - and when she has a "wobble" (our name for those wee episodes) we let the dust settle and then talk it through. The task still gets done, but we often have to break it down into more manageable chunks and explain the reasons why the task must be done. It's a toughie.....we acknowledge and appreciate the challenges that she faces, but we must also do our best to teach her lessons and skills that often come more easier to typical kids. Bad behaviour isn't tolerated and she still has to conform to rules and social norms, but our discipline regime (for want of a better phrase) is a little more gentle than the one we applied with her brother. Good things to note is that there are way more upsides with Maia, as she is sweet, creative, kind, funny, smart and sparkly.....I flippin love her!!!

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By

High-Functioning Autistic Teens and Emotional Dysregulation

“My teenage son with ASD (high functioning) is out of control, don't know what to do? I tried every option available to me with the exception of bootcamp. I just can't afford to put him in a bootcamp or military school. But that's the only solution that I see. He’s 17 and is on pot every day. He has a hair trigger and will go off big time whenever he is the least bit irritated over something… fits of rage over little things that most people would just ignore. Has threatened to kill himself when he’s upset. Please help!!!”


Emotional Dysregulation (ED) is often found in young people with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), and is a term used in the mental health profession to refer to mood swings and emotional reactions that are significantly “out-of-control.” Examples of ED include destroying or throwing objects, angry outbursts, aggression towards self or others, a decreased ability to regulate emotions, an inability to express emotions in a positive way, smoking, drug and/or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, and even threats to kill oneself or others.



These reactions usually occur in seconds to minutes – or hours. ED often leads to behavioral problems for the individual, which can interfere with his or her relationships at home, in school, or at place of employment.

ED in AS/HFA teens can be associated with “internalizing” behaviors, for example:
  • becoming avoidant or aggressive when dealing with negative emotions
  • being less able to calm themselves
  • difficulty calming down when upset
  • difficulty decreasing negative emotions
  • difficulty understanding emotional experiences
  • exhibiting emotions too intense for a situation
  • experiencing more negative emotions

ED can also be associated with “externalizing” behaviors, for example:
  • being impulsive
  • difficulty calming down when upset
  • difficulty controlling their attention
  • difficulty decreasing their negative emotions
  • difficulty identifying emotional cues
  • difficulty recognizing their own emotions
  • exhibiting more extreme emotions
  • focusing on the negative

ED in adolescents with AS and HFA can be made worse by difficulty in communicating feelings of annoyance, anxiety, depression, or worry. ED may be a common reaction experienced when coming to terms with problems in relationships, friendships, school, employment, and other areas in life affected by autism spectrum disorders.

There can be an “on-off” quality to these strong emotional reactions, where the affected individual is calm minutes later, while those around are stunned and may feel hurt or shocked for hours – if not days – afterward. Moms and dads struggle to understand the out-of-control behavior of their “special needs” teenager, with disappointment and resentment often building up over time. Once they understand that their teen has trouble controlling his emotions or understanding its effects on others, they can begin to respond in ways that will help manage these flare-ups.

In some cases, AS/HFA adolescents may not acknowledge they have trouble controlling their negative emotions, and will blame others for provoking them. Again, this can create enormous conflict within the family. It may take carefully phrased feedback and plenty of time for these adolescents to gradually realize they have a problem with how they express themselves.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

AS/HFA Teenagers and Their Struggles—

As previously mentioned, many individuals with ED have an autism spectrum disorder. But, when the typical problems associated with adolescence are added to the equation, parents have a real challenge on their hands. Here are just a few of the struggles associated with being a teen on the spectrum:

• The teen years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence, coupled with the problems associated with AS and HFA, might mean that the adolescent becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. Males may act out by physically attacking a peer or teacher. They may experience "meltdowns" at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Drug addiction becomes a real concern at this age (most notably, marijuana use).

• Teens with AS and HFA - with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials - face similar academic problems as students with ADHD. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage, because no one has taught the AS or HFA teenager how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on an AS/HFA adolescent can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.

• Some teens with AS and HFA remain stuck in grammar school clothes and hobbies instead of moving into adolescent concerns (e.g., dating). AS/HFA males often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports (typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship).

• Many teens with AS and HFA - with their average to above average IQs - can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with 4 to 6 teachers, instead of just 1. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent - or even hostile - toward making special accommodations is certain. The AS/HFA student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions, noise levels, and sets of expectations.

• Many AS/HFA adolescents are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teen popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an AS or HFA teenager, even though she wants it more than anything else.

• In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some teens on the spectrum fall into the wrong high school crowds. Adolescents who abuse substances may use the AS or HFA teen’s naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group.

• In the teen world where everyone feels insecure, adolescents that appear different are voted off the island. Teens with AS and HFA often have odd mannerisms. One adolescent talks in a loud un-modulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates others’ physical space, and steers the conversation to his favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many autistic teens are too anxious to initiate social contact.

• AS/HFA is characterized by poor social skills. These include a lack of eye contact during conversation and body language that conveys a lack of interest. The teen years revolve around social interaction, and an adolescent on the spectrum may be ostracized and mocked by his class mates because of his lack of social skills.




• AS and HFA adolescents are often more immature than their peers and may be naive when it comes to puberty and sexuality. If they have not been taught about sex, they may pick up information from pornographic material. This can lead to inappropriate behavior and touching that could land them in trouble.

• Fashion is important to “typical” teens (especially girls), but teens with AS and HFA have little dress sense. If they do not attempt to conform to their peers' standards, they will often be mocked and left out of social events.

• Depression often results from the social skills deficits that adolescents with AS and HFA commonly experience. They may feel worthless, and in extreme cases, may consider suicide as an option.

• Bullying is a big challenge in the lives of many autistic teens. Because of their unusual behavior, they tend to attract bullies and are less likely to report this than their peers. In some cases, the AS or HFA teen may respond with violence and end up in trouble at school.

Common causes of ED in autistic adolescents include other people’s behavior (e.g., teasing, bullying, insensitive comments, being ignored, etc.), intolerance of imperfections in others, having routines and order disrupted, difficulties with academics despite being intelligent in many areas, peer-relationship problems, a build-up of stress, and being swamped with sensory stimulation or multiple tasks.

Identifying the cause of ED can be a challenge.  It is important for parents and teachers to consider all possible influences relating to the environment (e.g., too much stimulation, lack of structure, change of routine, etc.), the adolescent’s physical state (e.g., pain, tiredness, etc.), his or her mental state (e.g., existing frustration, confusion, etc.), and how well he or she is treated by peers.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

How Parents and Teachers Can Help—

The first step is for the AS or HFA adolescent to learn emotion-management skills. A good place to start is identifying a pattern in how the strong reactions are related to specific frustrations. Such triggers may originate from the environment, specific individuals, or internal thoughts.

Steps to successful emotion-management include the following:

• Self-awareness— The AS/HFA adolescent can be instructed to become more aware of personal thoughts, behaviors, and physical states which are associated with ED. This awareness is important for the adolescent in order for him to notice the early signs of losing control of his emotions. He should be encouraged to write down a list of changes he notices as he begins to feel the need to over-react to something.

• Levels of anger and coping strategies— As the adolescent becomes more aware of situations associated with ED, she can be instructed to keep a record of events, triggers, and associated levels of frustration. Different levels of disturbance can be explored (e.g. mildly annoyed, irritated, very frustrated, angry, a sense of rage).

• Develop an emotion-management record— The adolescent may keep a diary or chart of situations that trigger strong reactions. List the situation, the level of frustration on a scale of 1 to 10, and the coping strategies that help to overcome or reduce feelings of frustration.

• Becoming motivated— Parents and teachers can help the AS or HFA adolescent to identify why he would like to manage his emotions more successfully. He identifies what benefits he expects in everyday living from improving his coping skills.

• Awareness of situations— The adolescent is taught to become more aware of the situations that are associated with outbursts. She may want to ask other people who know her to describe situations and behaviors they have noticed.

Self-Help Strategies—

The “stop – think” technique:

As the adolescent notices the troubling thoughts running through his mind, he can learn to (a)  stop and think before reacting to the situation (e.g., “Are these thoughts accurate or helpful?”), (b) challenge the inaccurate or unhelpful thoughts, and (c) create a new thought.

The personal safety plan:

A personal safety plan can also be developed to help the adolescent avoid becoming upset when she plans to enter into a situation that has a history of triggering strong reactions. Here is a real life example of a plan used by a 17-year-old girl with Asperger’s for using the “stop – think” technique when approaching a shopping center situation that is known to trigger frustration:
  • My goal: To improve my ability to cope with frustration when I am waiting in long lines.
  • Typical angry thoughts: “The service here is so slow. Why can’t they hurry it up? I'm going to lose my mind any moment now.” – Stop thinking this! 
  • New calmer and helpful thoughts: “Everyone is probably frustrated by the long line – even the person serving us. I could come back another time, or I can wait here and think about pleasant things such as going to see a movie.”

Possible steps in a personal plan can include the following:
  • Plan ways to become distracted from the stressful situation (e.g., watch a YouTube video or read an e-book on my cell phone, carry a magazine)
  • Phone my friend to talk about the cause of frustration
  • Make changes to routines and surroundings (e.g., avoid certain people that are prone to teasing me)
  • Leave the situation if possible
  • Explain to another person how he or she can help me solve the problem
  • Avoid situations that are associated with a high risk of becoming frustrated

Other possible components to a personal plan can include the following:
  • Use visual imagery (e.g., jumping into a cool stream takes the heat of anger away)
  • Self-talk methods
  • Relaxation techniques
  • Anger-control classes in my area
  • Creative destruction or physical activity techniques to reduce anger

Dealing with the emotional problems in teens with AS and HFA is not easy for parents, and it can be hard to trace back the original causes of problematic behaviors. If parents are concerned about their child’s anger, rage or aggression, they should seek advice from a professional. Oftentimes, young people on the autism spectrum who demonstrate emotional problems simply need help developing some coping, social and communicating skills.

By

Anger-Control for Kids and Teens on the Autism Spectrum

"I desperately need ideas on how to deal with an autistic child (high functioning) who is often agitated and angered. We rarely know what will trigger him, as it seems to vary widely from situation to situation - and from day to day."

All children experience anger. But, young people with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), in particular, have difficulty channeling their strong emotions into acceptable outlets.

Anger is a response to a real or perceived loss or stress. It results when an individual’s body, property, self-esteem, or values are threatened. Anger is often a reaction to feeling frustrated, hurt, misunderstood, or rejected. If your youngster does not learn how to release his or her anger appropriately, it can fester and explode in inappropriate ways, or be internalized and damage his or her sense of self-worth.

As a mother or father, dealing with an angry youngster is inevitable. Many of us have heard our own pre-parenting voice whisper to us, saying something like, “That will never be my child acting-out like that” (famous last words). Anger is learned, but so is composure!

As parents, we hope our kids learn to:
  • communicate angry feelings in a positive way
  • express anger nonviolently
  • learn how to avoid being a victim of someone else's angry actions
  • learn how to control angry impulses
  • learn how to problem solve
  • learn how to remove themselves from a violent or angry situation 
  • learn self-calming techniques
  • recognize angry feelings in themselves and others

----------


Below are several crucial techniques to help teach your AS or HFA youngster calmer, more constructive ways to express anger:

1. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping your youngster control herself and save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").

2. Be sure to VALUE what your youngster is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate your youngster's experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, your youngster learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If your youngster can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.

3. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help AS and HFA kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these young people have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with your youngster about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once your youngster chooses her replacement behavior, encourage her to use the same strategy each time she starts to get upset.

4. Encourage your youngster to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?

5. Facilitate communication and problem solving with your AS or HFA youngster by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem?).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
6. Help your youngster to understand her own emotions by putting her feelings into words (e.g., say, "It looks like it made you angry when they called you names").

7. Help your youngster to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."

8. Involve your youngster in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for the age of your youngster when the rules are ignored.

9. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings your youngster expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”

10. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help your youngster express her frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list her ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your youngster is upset, use the words so she can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.


How can children with High-Functioning Autism cope with anger and depression?




11. Resist taking your youngster’s angry outbursts personally. Always deal with him in a calm, objective way.

12. Sometimes a child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the AS or HFA child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to parents’ frustration to find out that this isn't always the case with their “special needs” child. The best attitude to bring to such a circumstance, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.

13. Stop any aggressive behaviors. Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove your youngster as gently as possible.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

14. Teach your AS or HFA youngster to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, your youngster can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. A youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After your youngster has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even AS and HFA kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices.  These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach your youngster these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.

15. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As the mother or father, you are your youngster's main guide in life. She relies on you to be there with her through her difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with your youngster and incorporate other methods mentioned in this article (e.g., work on breathing with her, ask her questions about her feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with your child to help her through her emotions. Remember, you are teaching her social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some boys and girls are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.

16. Use feeling words to help your AS or HFA youngster understand the emotions of others (e.g., Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely," or "When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed").

17. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).

18. When your child becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Let me rephrase this (because this is an important technique): Every time your child acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to your youngster that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your youngster recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).

Once your youngster is aware of his unique warning signs, start pointing them out to him whenever he first starts to get upset (e.g., “It looks like you’re starting to get frustrated" …or "Your cheeks are getting red. Do you feel yourself starting to get upset?"). The more you help your AS or HFA child to recognize the signs when his anger is first triggered, the better he will be able to calm himself down. It’s also the time when anger-control techniques are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until your youngster is already in "melt-down" to try to get him back into control is usually too late.

19. Simple relaxation tools can help your child calm down. For example:
  • Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience from either your memory or your imagination.
  • Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (“relax” or “take it easy”). Repeat it to yourself.
  • Breathe deeply from your diaphragm (breathing from your chest won't relax you, so picture your breath coming up from your belly).

20. Help your youngster understand that she can “choose” how to react when she feels angry. Teach her self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses. Here are some choices she can make:
  • Calm self by breathing deeply
  • Count slowly
  • Draw or play with clay
  • Exercise, walk or run
  • Find a quiet place or sit alone
  • Hug someone, a pet or a stuffed animal 
  • Look at books or read
  • Play music or sing
  • Problem solve
  • Rest or take a shower
  • Stop and think
  • Tell someone how you feel
  • Tense body and then relax 
  • Write about feelings

By following the techniques listed above, parents can help strengthen their relationship with their AS and HFA kids and give them the tools they need to cope effectively with frustration and anger.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

Aspergers Children and Anger Problems

Question

My Aspergers son has anger problems. How can I help him understand what his real emotions are?

Answer

For kids with Aspergers (high functioning autism), anger can be a major challenge. Many people do not realize the strong connection between Aspergers and behavioral issues like anger, anxiety, and depression. The very characteristics of Aspergers lead to these behavioral issues. Some of these characteristics are:
  • Gross and fine motor problems
  • Inflexible thinking
  • Lack of language skills, especially social language, gestures and cues
  • Narrow interests
  • Sensory issues
  • Social skills weaknesses

Understanding anger in Aspergers children is quite simple. Nearly all of your son’s anger stems from frustration. The characteristics of Aspergers listed above (plus others) create a confusing and uncomfortable social environment. The natural reaction is frustration, and the natural escalation of frustration is anxiety, then anger. Helping an Aspergers child understand his anger and other emotions, however, can be quite difficult. You must help your son understand the cause of his emotions, and then develop a plan to avoid the negative emotions that stem from frustration. There are several options available for the mother/father searching for anger-management for their Aspergers children. Here are a couple of those options:

1. Home Solutions— Not everyone with Aspergers anger issues choose private therapy. For some people, these therapies are not covered by insurance or are simply not available. Others choose to handle therapy and learning situations at home, in their own way. This is perfectly acceptable, and in all honesty, quite helpful for the child even if you do choose private therapy. Support at home will increase progress. Some examples of home solutions are:
  • Five point scale assessments teach a youngster how to recognize his anger or anxiety and prepare to control their emotional responses.
  • Parenting discipline programs teach parents how to use proper discipline techniques, which in turn, may diffuse some of the youngster’s anxiety and anger.
  • Play therapy/activities make learning emotional control fun.
  • Social stories can be written for specific behavioral problems and situations. These stories can put your youngster’s feelings into words and offer him simple solutions.

2. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy— Many people with Aspergers anger choose to try cognitive-behavioral therapy. This therapy is highly recommended for kids with Aspergers. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is individual therapy designed around the idea that a child’s emotions and thought processes are what control that child’s outward feelings and behaviors. Most people tend to blame the situation or other people. This therapy places the focus on a child’s internal thoughts. In other words, if we think a certain way, even though the situation makes us feel the opposite, we can begin to feel better about that situation.

For your Aspergers child, anger can get in the way of learning, playing, and life. Perhaps you can use some of the above suggestions to help him handle his anger and better understand his emotions.

I cover a lot of ground on anger issues for children with Aspergers in my eBook entitled My Aspergers Child: Preventing Tantrums and Meltdowns.
By

Aspergers Children and Aggressive Behavior

Question

Is there a way to stop aggressive behavior when my son with Aspergers is in the middle of a meltdown?

Answer

It is not uncommon for kids with Aspergers to become aggressive. Aspergers causes a youngster to struggle to understand how his behavior affects other children. The many symptoms and characteristics of Aspergers can cause extreme frustration. This frustration can lead to anxiety, depression, anger, and aggressive behavior.

Here are a few specific reasons for aggressive meltdowns:
  • Change of routine— Inability to handle unexpected changes in the daily schedule, such as a substitute teacher or a cancelled class period.
  • Communication problems— Inability to recognize humor, sarcasm, or slang during conversations with peers.
  • Sensory issues— Inability to handle the discomfort in his environment due to sights, sounds, smells, or other sensory dysfunction.
  • Social struggles— Inability to understand social cues and gestures or to make and keep friends.

How can you stop your Aspergers child from becoming aggressive? Aspergers calls for a direct approach. Therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, social skills training, and occupational therapy will help with levels of frustration and also touch on self-control – a necessary skill for all of us. However, there are several things moms and dads can do at home to lessen the impact of aggressive meltdowns:

• Teach children to recognize red light/green light behaviors, red being a poor choice and green being a good choice.

• Social stories are excellent for teaching Aspergers children about problem behaviors. These should be used during quiet moments and not during any stage of aggressiveness or frustration.

• Role-play appropriate responses to tricky situations with your youngster. Role-playing is an excellent option for teaching all types of social skills to kids with Aspergers.

• Removal from the situation is necessary once a meltdown has developed.

• Redirection can sometimes be used during the beginning stages of a meltdown to reduce the escalation.

Individual counseling may be beneficial if you are still struggling with aggressive Aspergers behaviors. Sometimes a caring professional specially trained to deal with the issues brought on by ASD can make a difference. Some schools are able to offer this counseling, but you can also find help through your doctor and your local Aspergers support groups.


==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

By

Ways to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Aspergers Children

Question

Is there a way to stop aggressive behavior when a young child with Aspergers is in the middle of a meltdown?

Answer

It is not uncommon for kids with Aspergers (high-functioning autism) to become aggressive. Aspergers causes a youngster to struggle to understand how their behaviors affect other kids. The many symptoms and characteristics of the disorder can cause extreme frustration. This frustration can lead to anxiety, depression, anger, and aggressive behavior. 

Here are a few specific reasons for aggressive meltdowns:
  • Change of routine: Inability to handle unexpected changes in the daily schedule, such as a substitute teacher or a cancelled class period
  • Communication problems: Inability to recognize humor, sarcasm, or slang during conversations with peers
  • Sensory issues: Inability to handle the discomfort in the environment due to sights, sounds, smells, or other sensory dysfunction
  • Social struggles: Inability to understand social cues and gestures or to make and keep friends

Aspergers calls for a direct approach. Therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, social skills training, and occupational therapy will help with levels of frustration and also touch on self-control, a necessary skill for all of us. However, there are several things parents can do at home to lessen the impact of aggressive meltdowns.

Here are a few tips:

  • Redirection can sometimes be used during the beginning stages of a meltdown to reduce the escalation.
  • Removal from the situation is necessary once a meltdown has developed.
  • Role-play appropriate responses to tricky situations with your youngster. Role-playing is an excellent option for teaching all types of social skills to kids with Asperger’s.
  • Social stories are excellent for teaching young kids about problem behaviors. These should be used during quiet moments and not during any stage of aggressiveness or frustration.
  • Teach youngster to recognize red light/green light behaviors, red being a poor choice and green being a good choice.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

By

The Use of “Structure” to Reduce Problematic Behavior in Kids with ASD [level 1]

"Any methods for preventing problem behaviors in an out of control child with an autism spectrum disorder? Please help with advice!"

For many children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), problematic behaviors are common. The term “problematic behavior” is a controversial one, but it’s intended to suggest that certain behaviors present a “problem” for parents, siblings, peers, teachers, therapists, etc. This helps to prevent internalizing the cause of the behaviors and blaming the “special needs” child.

This is a very important concept in AS and HFA, because it’s unlikely that any behavior which causes difficulties for parents and others is intended vindictively or maliciously. There is usually some other, unidentified, cause that provokes problematic behavior. Young people on the autism spectrum derive no enjoyment by being a problem to others.



Most problematic behaviors occur in the presence of parents and siblings (probably because AS and HFA children feel more comfortable simply being themselves when around familiar people). If such behavior is a problem for therapists and other professionals (which it is), then it can certainly be a challenge for moms, dads and siblings. Thus, it’s crucial that problematic behaviors are dealt with in way that (a) helps the entire family to cope more effectively, and (b) allows the “special needs” child to develop social skills and emotion management. 

Low-frustration tolerance is one of the most common problems in young people on the autism spectrum. They often appear to go into a state of anger, rage, anxiety, or fear for no reason. All children get frustrated and then act-out from time to time, but this problem is more of a challenge for moms and dads of autistic children. These children may seem inconsolable during the episode of frustration, the episode often lasts a long time, and the resolution that typically accompanies the end of feeling frustrated rarely occurs.

Low-frustration tolerance is just one example of problematic behavior. Similar episodes of panic, anxiety, anger, and aggression may be seen all through childhood, the teenage years, and even into adulthood (e.g., yelling, crying, resisting contact with others, pushing others away, refusing to respond to interaction, using others as objects, refusing to comply with daily tasks, etc.). These behaviors are “problematic” in the sense that they cause disruption (e.g., to a classroom engaged in a lesson, a family outing or event, etc.).

Children and teens with AS and HFA often rely on rituals, routines and structure, which helps define the world in terms of consistent rules and explanations. Consistency helps these young people to function more comfortably in a world that would otherwise be perceived as confusing, chaotic and hostile. Most kids on the autism spectrum find their own strategies for imposing structure and maintaining consistency. Without this structure, they would be totally overwhelmed and unable to function …they would be unable to understand the behavior of others …and the information they receive through their senses would be nearly impossible to bring together into a purposeful whole.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

When structure and consistency are disrupted in the AS or HFA child’s life, the world becomes confusing and overwhelming again – thus launching him or her into “problematic” behaviors as a response. This disruption of structure can be obvious (e.g., getting up at an unusual hour, having a collection of objects disturbed, not being able to engage in a favorite activity, being made to go a different way to school, etc.) …or it may be hidden (e.g., sensory sensitivities, subtle changes in the environment which the youngster is used to, etc.). Many of these “triggers” may be out of the control of the child. Thus, it’s important to remember that low-frustration tolerance and similar behaviors are not cases of “misbehavior” necessarily, rather they may simply be natural reactions to various unwanted stimuli.

"Structure-Dependent" Thinking in Kids with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism 

 

How parents can begin to reduce problematic behaviors in their AS or HFA child:

1. At the time of the inappropriate behavior, be sure to limit your talking to “stating the rule and consequence.” Lengthy debates, explanations and arguments should be avoided at this time. Also, ignore complaints from your youngster. Further discussion about the rule and consequence can be done at a later time when things have calmed down.

2. Avoid anger and over-reaction to your child’s problematic behavior. Don’t let your emotions take control. Refrain from demanding or shouting. Stay calm! You’re “over-reacting” will through “gas on the fire.”

3. Establish family rules and put them in writing. Rules should be (a) specific, (b) easy to understand, (c) achievable, (d) age-appropriate, and (e) consistent. Rules should be discussed and decided upon ahead of time in mutual collaboration between the mom and dad without the youngster present. Then, after the rules have been agreed upon, they should be explained to the youngster in simple, concrete terms.

4. Help your youngster use problem-solving skills in order to make a plan for changing behavior in the future. For example, if the behavior involves difficulties getting along with peers, help your youngster learn appropriate communication and conflict resolutions skills.

5. Listen to your youngster’s point of view about a particular rule. When appropriate, consider making changes to the rule based on your youngster’s reasoning. This doesn’t mean you are “giving in” to your youngster’s demands, rather it means that (at times) you will negotiate with your youngster on a rule and reach a compromise.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

6. Make your expectations very clear. For example, let your child know that (a) she WILL be required to perform certain tasks (e.g., completing homework, cleaning her bedroom, getting ready for school on time, etc.), and (b) there WILL be consequences for not completing such tasks.

7. Set up routines for daily living that are consistent and predictable (e.g., morning, mealtime, and bedtime routines). Your youngster will learn many things from these routines (e.g., how to take care of herself, how to interact with others, discovering that life runs more smoothly if things are organized and predictable, etc.).

8. Simply ignore some behaviors (e.g., whining and complaining).

9. Structuring your youngster’s environment. Determine what activities he will engage in and how he will fill his time. Also, be available physically and mentally to provide appropriate monitoring and supervision.

10. Try to anticipate problem situations (e.g., don’t let your youngster get into a situation where he becomes overly tired, hungry, or bored).

11. Use distraction techniques. If your youngster is acting-out, distraction with something of interest can focus her on more positive behaviors.

12. Use rewards to increase appropriate behavior. When it comes to children on the autism spectrum, it’s usually better to reward desirable behaviors than to discipline undesirable ones. Also, it’s best to provide the reward immediately after the desired behavior has occurred.

AS and HFA Kids Want Structure 

 

Note: While providing structure and consistency are important skills for you to use with your AS or HFA child, it’s also important to be aware of the importance of allowing her some independence and autonomy. As often as is appropriate, allow your child to have opportunities to make her own choices and decisions, respect her choices and decisions, and allow natural “real-world” consequences to occur (when safety is not an issue, of course).

By

Teaching Impulse-Control to Children on the Autism Spectrum

"How can I teach my child to not be so impulsive, that is, acting/saying things without thinking?"

Have you ever witnessed a youngster who doesn’t seem to know how to wait his or her turn, refuses to share, grabs objects out in public even after being told not to touch, has a meltdown in the middle of a crowded store, or constantly dominates a conversation?

Impulse-control is one of the most important skills that moms and dads can teach their children, because it is exceedingly important for success later in life. By learning impulse-control, children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.



Parents can indeed teach impulse-control, but they need to understand that this skill is learned through a lot of discovery and repetition, not through reprimands and discipline – and this discovery and repetition happens slowly throughout childhood. Parents can’t teach self-control with a one-time lecture, rather they have to do one teachable moment, one situation at a time.  

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Below are 16 strategies for tackling this challenge:

1. Allow “do-overs.” AS and HFA kids learn from experience far more than they learn from words. The best way to increase their learning is through repetition. After parents have completed any instructive corrections, they should give their youngster a chance to try again. This serves as a punctuation point on the lesson.

2. Demonstrate frustration-management skills. Low frustration-tolerance can be a big factor in impulse-control. Teach your “special needs” youngster how to manage her frustration so she can calm herself down when she’s upset. Time-outs are be a great way for children to learn how to calm themselves down. Your child will be less likely to act-out or seek revenge when she has a better understanding of how to manage her frustration.

3. Focusing on what your youngster did wrong is only half the equation. Parents need to tell their youngster what they want her to do instead. For example, say something such as, “You’re not permitted to hog the video game when you have your friends over. Think of three things you can do while your guests play so you’re able to share.”

4. Impart listening skills. Oftentimes, a child will behave impulsively because he doesn’t listen to the directions. Before parents have finished their sentence, the child is up and moving without really hearing what they said. Teach your youngster to listen to the directions first by having him repeat back what he has heard before he takes action.

5. Model good impulse-control yourself. If you're in an aggravating situation in front of your child, tell him why you're aggravated, and then discuss potential solutions to the problem. For example, if you've misplaced your cell phone, instead of allowing yourself to get agitated, tell your child it is missing and then search for it together. If your phone doesn't turn up, take the next practical step (e.g., retracing your steps when you last had your phone in-hand, calling your phone from a different phone, etc.). Show that good emotional control and problem solving are the ways to deal with challenging circumstances.

6. One of the hardest skills for an AS or HFA youngster who has attention deficits is to learn to wait.
"Wait" Icon
"Reward" Icon
If he is unable to wait, he will usually act-out his frustration in the form of tantrums and/or meltdowns. Since children on the autism spectrum are visual learners, one of the best ways to teach “waiting” is through the use of visual learning techniques – along with something reinforcing or rewarding to the youngster. Thus, create a “wait picture” along with a picture of the reward. Tell your youngster that you and he are going to practice waiting (e.g., 5 minutes sitting quietly on the coach), and then he can have his reward (e.g., an additional 10 minutes of “computer game” time).  Praise your youngster for good behavior during this waiting time.  If he has difficulty demonstrating good behavior, try again for a shorter period until you have success (e.g., 3 minutes).  Then, in subsequent practice sessions, gradually extend the time your youngster has to wait for the reward (usually no more than 15 minutes, though).

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Another way to help an AS or HFA youngster learn to wait is to teach her time-telling skills.  To some kids, the words "five minutes" mean nothing because they don't know how long that is.  Some kids do well with digital clocks.  There is also a cool device called a "time timer," which shows the amount of time passing as well as providing an audible sound when the time is up.

7. Play impulse-control games. Play games that provide your youngster with a fun way to practice impulse-control. Games like Follow the Leader, Red Light Green Light, and Simon Says require impulse-control (playing memory games can improve impulse-control as well).

8. Promote physical exercise. When a child is physically active, she has a better chance at managing her impulses. When she is a bundle of energy, she is more likely to act without thinking.

9. Provide structure and routine. Providing structure can help parents keep their discipline consistent. When a child knows what to expect, there is less confusion and less opportunity for impulsivity. Repeat the rules and set clear limits often.




10. Repeat yourself as often as needed when giving instructive corrections. The key to curbing impulsive behavior is to teach your youngster how to think BEFORE he acts, and that requires repetition of your lessons.

11. Talk to your child about emotions. When “special needs” children develop an understanding of the difference between emotions and behaviors, it can help them control their impulses. For example, a youngster who understands that it is alright to feel angry – but not okay to push someone – can see that she has choices about how to deal with her feelings without reacting impulsively.

12. Teach problem-solving skills. When an AS or HFA youngster learns problem-solving skills, he will learn how to think before he acts. Thus, teach your youngster how to develop several solutions to a problem, and then analyze which one is likely to have the best outcome. For example, instead of instinctively pushing a classmate who cuts in front of him in line, he can problem-solve several different ideas of how to respond.

13. Teaching “cooperative games” (i.e., where players work together toward a common goal) also teaches impulse-control (e.g., doing puzzles together while taking turns adding pieces). Parents can share tasks as well (e.g., watering the plants together, unpacking the shopping bags, etc.). In addition, parents can give their child things to share with her friends on occasion (e.g., a special snack, a roll of stickers, etc.). To encourage sharing, use positive reinforcement rather than punishment. But, remember that it's reasonable for your youngster to hold back certain items; she shouldn’t have to share everything. As she matures, she will learn that sharing with her playmates (who are becoming increasingly important to her) is more satisfying than keeping things to herself.

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

14. Teaching an AS or HFA youngster how to play independently will also help her to develop impulse-control.  There are many times when parents can’t provide one-on-one attention to their youngster (e.g., when preparing meals, doing chores, talking on the phone, etc.).  It is usually during these times that behavior problems are witnessed, because the youngster is having difficulty waiting for undivided attention.  Thus, create an “activity menu” to help your youngster during these times. Take some pictures of activities that she has been seen to do independently.  Have a selection of these pictures for her to choose from during those times when you need her to play without your assistance.  Make sure that all the materials for the activities are easily available.  Set a timer for how long you want your child to engage in the activity – and every few minutes (5 - 10), praise her for playing independently.

15. To an AS or HFA child, impulses can feel like they have overtaken her, bypassing any logical thinking, causing her to disregard what she knows she should do. In order to help the youngster learn about impulse-control, parents need to break down that process for the child, helping her to become aware of her impulses before they lead her to a bad choice. Look for – and make note of – your child’s “impulsivity-triggers” (i.e., things that immediately precede her impulsive behaviors), and share your observations with her.

16. When giving instructive corrections, don’t preach. AS and HFA kids need time to process and integrate information. When parents lecture, their youngster becomes overwhelmed with too much information and melts down – or shuts down – and stops listening. Instead, be brief, using short statements and instructive action. 

Many behavior problems center around children struggling to manage their impulses. Aggression, parent-child conflict, disrespect, and oppositional behavior can often be decreased by teaching impulse-control techniques.  AS and HFA kids are not always able to express themselves calmly and in words. Frustration with people, things or circumstances occurs frequently – especially before they have the vocabulary to talk things out. But, there are many ways to teach your youngster how to express thoughts and feelings in a more constructive way. The techniques you choose will depend on his or her age and developmental readiness.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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