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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query discipline. Sort by date Show all posts

Rewards and Discipline for Children on the Autism Spectrum

"I need help coming up with some effective ways to discipline a 5 year old with high functioning autism. What we are currently doing is obviously not working."

One of the most difficult challenges in dealing with ASD level 1 or High-Functioning Autism is determining how to reward the child when he has done a good job and how to discipline him when he exhibits an undesirable behavior. Some moms and dads of such children are often reluctant to use any form of discipline, and the usual reward systems don’t often work.

Many kids with ASD don’t respond as well to praise or hugs as other kids do. Instead, they might respond to things like a favorite treat, a favorite toy or preferred music as a way of showing them they’ve done something good.

While the natural parental response is to lavish their kids with praise, it may be over-stimulating to a youngster on the autism spectrum, and as a result, may not alter his or her behavior. It’s up to the parent to determine which things are preferred by the child so that those can be used in a sort of reward system.

The usual punishments also tend to be those that don’t work for "special needs" kids. Things like “time out” work well with children who thrive on contact with others, but don’t work on autistic children who don’t have the same drive to be with people - in fact, many prefer to be left alone to engage in their special interest.
 
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Taking away a preferred game or activity may be the best way to show your dissatisfaction with something your ASD son is doing. Explain to your son what the preferred behavior is so that he can begin to shape his behavior toward what is expected of him.

It probably goes without saying that corporal punishment (e.g., spanking) tends NOT to be very effective with these young people. They operate on a skewed perception of sensation and may have an exaggerated response to corporal punishment - or they may not respond at all, which only serves to upset the child without giving him or her an idea of what behavior is expected.

Discipline and reward systems are a part of raising children, autistic or not. With kids on the spectrum, the discipline and rewards have to be geared toward the developmental stage the child is in, and to which things are preferred or not preferred. While this takes some trial and error, finding the right way to show appreciation or dissatisfaction are worth the effort and will go a long way toward getting your son to behave in a positive way.


Here are a few more tips to help with disciplining your son:

•    Your son’s need to feel in control should not be taken to extremes. Moms and dads must set limits and expectations for all kids. Having ASD does not give one free rein to be out of control, and that should not be endorsed or indulged by you, the parent.

•    Your son’s diagnosis is a label that describes a small piece of who he is as a human being. He is many other things. His diagnosis does not exclusively define him.

•    Your son may take personally criticisms you think mild or trivial. If you are a parent short on patience and prone to critical or sarcastic comments, be prepared for your son to withdraw from you more and more until you are shut out completely.

•    Your approach to discipline should mostly be one of prevention – not intervention.

•    You have the responsibility to be fair in how you communicate rules and expectations. Because your son will be most open to receiving this information in ways that are literal and concrete, this means making it tangible (e.g., put it in writing as a simple, bullet-point list).

•    Understand that your son (a) needs to feel safe, comfortable and in control, (b) will become unhinged by anything significantly unpredictable, (c) is doing the very best he knows how to in the moment with what he's got available to him, and (d) has good reasons for doing what he's doing.

•    Some moms and dads can become over-protective of their “special needs” child (i.e., the youngster gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little to no discipline). They may make frequent excuses for their youngster's words or actions, and they may not discipline where most others agree it to be warranted. Don’t make this mistake!

•    Never assume your son will automatically transfer and apply information previously learned in one environment to a new situation that, in your mind, is remarkably similar. For the child on the spectrum, a new situation is a new situation.
 
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

•    Look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your son to make mistakes for which you can set aside “discipline-teaching” time. It will be a learning process for you and your son.

•    Don’t assume your son will understand appropriate social behavior under a wide variety of specific circumstances and, when that doesn't occur, discipline in the moment.

•    Disciplining your son should be a teaching and learning opportunity about making choices and decisions. When your son makes mistakes, assure him that he is still loved and valued.

•    Before you discipline, be mindful that your son's logic will not necessarily reflect your idea of common sense.

•    Because your son is inherently gentle and sensitive, he may be particularly prone to being vulnerable (i.e., he may be more susceptible than “neurotypical” children to experiencing problems in communication and social interaction).

•    Be cautious about going to extremes. You have every reason to be a strong advocate on behalf of your son and in protection of his rights, but this does not exempt him from being disciplined by you, the parent.

•    Lastly, a list of rules should become your son's property and, depending upon the situation, should be kept in his pocket for ready reference.

In order to effectively discipline the child on the autism spectrum, parents will need to comprehend each of the factors above and fully place them in the proper context of any given situation. This knowledge will aid parents in laying a foundation for “prevention” (rather than having to switch to “intervention”).





==> Are you experiencing a lot of behavior problems with your child on the autism spectrum? Get more solutions right here...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... With my son, it is about explaining things in a very straightforward way.
•    Anonymous said... We tried 123 magic when my son was 5 he laughed at me lol so I think it depends on the child.
•    Anonymous said... We remove to our son 7 year old his favorite Toys ( legos ) ,,he has a Tamtrun with hinself because he Know that his Behavior not was okey .After we explain to hin cause and consecuence and then we put a Tag with number 10 on the lego box and that is the points that he have to win during the week to get the legos back just with good choice and behave we give 2 point per each day with happy face ! He really work hard to control hinself and this reward point token work better then spank or time out Also he Know how depp breathe ,blow air in Yoga class very recomend ,when he see how Many points he colect he is so happy that soon he Will get his favorite Toy back and Also learn a lesson that not everything have to be in his way !!!
•    Anonymous said... We need to explain things to our son but at the same time if we need to we take Lego away from him for a certain time.
•    Anonymous said... We have accountable kids, it's a chart with a ticket reward system and cards with daily routine stuff like get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, etc. when the child finishes each grouping of chores (morning, mid day and evening) he gets a ticket used for a privilege of their choice (watching tv or playing video games etc). If the child misbehaves or breaks a house rule a ticket is taken and they don't have the tickets to pay for their privilege. Yes we had some meltdowns before the system became routine but now he lives for it because it has turned his daily routine into a visual. They have a website accountable kids.com
•    Anonymous said... Punishments and rewards do not work with my aspie teen. Never have. I've had to really consider my parenting so that I am very clear and simple (black and white in fact) about expectations and the "fall out" should we deviate. And I've had to be consistent. If I attempt to impose a punishment/non related consequence or attempt to bribe him with rewards, he becomes very confused as that doesn't jive with his logical understanding of the world. If he deviates from the plan (won't put his jeans in the dryer as previously planned, for example) and they r not dry by the time I would need to drive him to make it to his class on time, then the fallout is he wears wet jeans or misses class. When he was younger we used to chart these things and he'd follow the "choices" to their logical endings. Now he can think it through on his own. Of course not without ur teen mouthing off and such. So I've introduced the fall out for how we treat each other. If u mouth someone off, they become angry or scared of u and do not feel willing or safe to drive u to class. He is really struggling with this and I wish I'd done it from the get go. As he points out, people and their emotions r not logical. it's labour intensive and is pretty much a full time job, which is crazy because I'm a single lady running daycare for 12 hours a day out of my home as well as sole mothering and homeschooling my aspie teen. But I've noticed mothering my aspie teen is very much what works for toddlers. Simple, clear, black and white expectations, and loving, supportive comfort when the result of their actions is not their preferred one, along with a "I know it will b better next time" pep talk. And, just like toddlers, my aspie teen forgets the next time and I need to remind him what happened last time. And, like toddlers, he becomes hurt, confused, and our relationship requires repair if I impose punishments or bribe with rewards. It's tough. And every family works differently. I've had to alter me and my thinking and behaving, not his. But I can tell u our relationship requires repair far less often because we have conflict far less often. He is trusting me more. And we r enjoying each other's company more. And I think he has a better chance at independence this way.
•    Anonymous said... Maybe instead of operating on a system of punishment, love and understanding would be better.
•    Anonymous said... Just be patient and stick with your rules. If takes time for any kid to get it but they will. My 8 yo aspire girl is doing much better at taking her time outs and punishments than at 5 best of luck!
•    Anonymous said... Definitely a struggle....and we have a master at acting like "nothing matters" so it's hard to know what is actually working. However, though I really don't think "time outs" really work because one can't "reason" even after the fact...going to his bedroom to sit on his bed does give us all a break from the "funk" he is in at that moment. Something from my special education training that has stuck with me over the years here at home is consistency....choose one way to discipline for a specific behavior and stick with it until something better comes along. Sometimes it doesn't seem to be working but consistency in itself benefit.
•    Anonymous said... Disciplining my 16 year old son is so tiring and taking his privileges away is not working anymore .
•    Anonymous said... Give him a hug.
•    Anonymous said... I prefer the word 'discipline' (correct with love) than 'punish' but that's just semantics. Each child is different and it's hard. Some days you succeed and some you don't. Biggest lesson I've learnt is your not perfect, no one is. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to think and speak 'logically'. My son understands the logic not the emotion. I have to wait for the emotions (both his and mine) to pass to have any success.
•    Anonymous said... I tell my son of he continues his negative behavior I'll have to take a privilege away. Something that's important to him like computer time. We set boundaries and it works. It took awhile but he is very well behaved at home, probably because it's a quite environment. He still has moments at school but he's learning to recognize his anxiety triggers and ask his teachers for a break in the calming room at school before he "loses it".
•    Anonymous said... in hindsight I would say you should never 'punish' a child with aspergers, they will not be controlled, you need to explain repeatedly and find another way to deal with your own frustrations and everybody elses expectations of your unique child
•    Anonymous said... My son is 9 now. At 5 I made a gift box full of dollar store toys wrapped up and rewarded him for good behavior. At 5 discipline didn't work and when we figured that out life got easier. They can't control the emotions that young it takes time. When I let go of that notion it was freeing. Don't listen to people with children who don't have aspergers it's a totally different ball game. Patients and give him words to express what he's feeling., talk in small direct sentences
•    Anonymous said... Taking away Tv time or device time.. Using those as a punishment / reward. If you send them to their room you are just punishing yourself for later when they have so much energy!
•    Anonymous said... Temple Grandin herself said that what was really effective for her was taking away something that she really really loved. In her case it was horseback riding. With my HFAs its really tough for us because their objection is pretty dramatic. I want to give in at once to relieve the stress on everybody. But we do what we have to do and explain/talk about it over and over. And it does make a difference. But i think it needs to be a case by case decision.
•    Anonymous said... Try natural consequences. It is more effective than enforced punishment. Punishment only teaches children not to get caught.
•    Anonymous said... Very hard, we usually take away electronics & he earns time on them when he shows appropriate behavior. But not always effective when electronics are needed for school or homework.
•    Anonymous said… Don't punish. Be positive set reasonable limits you can reinforce
•    Anonymous said… I found that it helped if I included my kids in the discussion about house rules and asked them what consequences they thought they should have for certain behaviors. It wasn't always perfect but when I included them there was less of a struggle. I know other parents who say I give my kids too much power but they're 11 and 14 now and they're on the honor roll (mostly) and they don't get in trouble at school. They're happy and healthy and they know that they can come to me and Dad and talk about it if they've done something and that we will be fair about it.
•    Anonymous said… maybe have him help write the house rules too . they love to have some control  ❤
•    Anonymous said… My son and I invented a points system. You get 3 points to win swapping cards ( not money) and 9 points for a lego man. Write a list of things to gain points for and a list of loose points as a guide. Never go into to negative points, always reward abundantly for good behaviours when having hard times to avoid negative points. Then you have a tool.
•    Anonymous said… None of the standard punishments worked on my ASD daughter until I realised we read 5 books to her every night. We removed 1 book each time she misbehaved, one night she had none left so it worked as a 'threat'...
•    Anonymous said… Remind me of the time my two children were fighting and my AS boy had pinned his sister to the floor and was pushing his fingers into her eyes. I sort of side swiped him to stop him - it didn't hurt but he was offended and ran off. A short while later I was sitting watching TV when he returned and as he went past me he hit me across the head. I jumped up an asked him what he was doing - pointing out that "you DO NOT HIT people" He was completely flumoxed and said to me "but you hit me". I saw his point, immediately apologised and admitted I was wrong, explaining that I was scared he was going to hurt his sister. I felt this was important. He struggles to know the right thing to do and gets by by copying other people's behaviour.
•    Anonymous said… That word punishing is unsettling. Maybe correct them and encourage making better choices. Reward and praise for good behavior.
•    Anonymous said… What if your aspie child does not like to be touched? I have this problem with my 13 year old; I even have to ask his permission to check his touch his forehead to see if he has a fever when he is sick. He hates taking pills, and having his temp checked.His sensory issues are worse right now, espcially his sensitivity to sound, which makes him not want to go to school. Also, discipling him has become such a fight. When we do take away his technology for behaviors, he acts out even more, and starts kicking his walls, and will be rough with his younger sister, to try and get back his phone and computer, thinking we will give in. Lets just say it is exhausting!
•    Anonymous said… Write down the rules of the house and place it on the wall .go over each one and ask him what it means .have him explain the house rules to you . hope it helps.

Please post your comment below…
By

Aspergers Children and Bad Language

Bad language (i.e., cursing, name-calling, rude statements like “I hate you,” etc.) and the Aspergers condition often go hand in hand.

Bad language displayed by a youngster with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can follow him into adulthood if he isn’t shown the proper way to respond to situations.

Here are some very simple – yet very effective – tips to prevent bad language in Aspergers and HFA children:

1. Keep control yourself. If you, the parent, over-react to something, then your youngster is going to see justification in the way he behaves. Therefore, you too must limit your use of curse words, as well as “near-curse words” (e.g., freakin, crap, bull, etc.).

2. Positive reinforcement focuses on rewarding your Aspergers youngster for good behavior. In this way, the parent does not have to wait for bad behavior to take place before the youngster is recognized. With positive reinforcement, you may reward the youngster for going an entire day without using a curse word. Negative reinforcement can be used in conjunction with positive reinforcement, or they can each be used alone.

3. Establish a “Cursing Jar”. If your child curses, he has to put a quarter into the jar. If money isn’t readily available, a note with your child’s name on it can go into the jar, and every note might equal 10 minutes of an extra task or chore. NOTE: Doing his regular chores shouldn’t be a consequence; you should give your child extra things to do. If you make your child do the dishes because he cursed, and then you ask him to do them again on Thursday night as a regular chore, he’s going to ask, “Why? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He’ll feel like he’s being punished, when all you want is for him to do his normal chores around the house. So it’s an extra chore you want to add on. Also, the sooner you issue the consequence after the cursing – the better!

4. Negative reinforcement can be useful for controlling bad language. An Aspie usually has obsessions. Thus, if you take away time from his obsessive activity, it can reinforce that when he uses bad language, he loses the privileges to do his favorite things. Have a visual schedule for your youngster. Then, when he says a bad word, demonstrate that this behavior is not acceptable by marking off an hour of his time that would be devoted to doing his favorite thing (e.g., playing video games, watching TV, reading a book). Even if his favorite activity is a rather “productive” way for him to spend time, withhold the privilege for a period of time (anywhere from one hour to one day works best).

5. Some Aspergers children will swear passive-aggressively, under their breath. But let’s face it, even if it’s under their breath, it’s the same thing, and you should give your child consequences for it. They may say, “I didn’t say anything. That’s not fair!” You can come back with, “I’m sorry, but that’s what I heard you say. In the future, speak more loudly, or there will be consequences.” In other words, don’t let muttering curse words under his breath become a way for him to manipulate so that he doesn’t have to develop self-control.

6. Role-playing can be a useful technique in controlling bad language in Aspergers kids; however, most Aspies do not empathize with the feelings of others since they don’t understand them. Therefore, role-playing is helpful. Find books (online, bookstore, library) that demonstrate how people in similar situations use appropriate actions and how they feel.

7. Discuss with your Aspergers child that you do not find cursing acceptable. Help him to find other, more appropriate words – and ways – to express himself.

8. Set household rules against cursing. Establish consequences that will be used if the cursing rule is broken.

9. Do not be a pushover. If you let your Aspie break the rules without following through with a consequence, he will continually break the rules in the future.

10. Know that most kids with Aspergers do not respond well to being “punished.” However, “discipline” can be quite effective. Discipline teaches the Aspergers youngster how to act. Discipline should make sense to him, and should have something to do with what he has done wrong. Discipline helps a child feel good about himself, and gives him the chance to correct his mistakes. It puts him in charge of his actions. On the other hand, punishment only tells a child that he is bad. It does not tell a child what he should do instead. So punishment may not make sense to the Aspie. Punishment usually has nothing to do with what he did wrong.

Below are some examples of what your Aspie can do wrong. Some types of punishment and discipline are given. Can you see how they are different?

Example 1: In a tantrum, your four-year-old Aspie throws his crayons all over the floor.

Punishment: You say, “That’s a bad boy” and slap his hand.

Discipline: You say, “You can choose to pick up your crayons within the next five minutes, or you can choose to lose coloring privileges for the rest of day …what do you want to do?”


Example 2: Your seven-year-old Aspie refuses to do his chores.

Punishment: You spank him and send him to his room.

Discipline: You say, “You can do your chores and then play your favorite video game, or you can go to your room without any privileges …which one would you like to do?”


My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns
By

Discipline Problems in Kids and Teens with ASD Level 1

Question

Our son has autism but it would appear to be a mild condition as he has developed very well and does not exhibit extreme symptoms of the syndrome. However my wife and I have become exasperated of late in trying to teach our child about inappropriate or naughty behaviour. He does not respond to sanctions or punishments and even when he does and the reason for a sanction is explained he does not seem to learn from the sanction so that the behaviour is often repeated again and again and the threat of the same or similar sanction has no effect. Can you make any suggestions? Sanctions include being sent to his room, removal of favourite toys or treats and although he responds/accepts the actual punishment he will not learn the lesson which we are trying to teach him. 


Answer

Disciplining kids displaying behavior consistent with ASD level 1 (high-functioning autism) will often require an approach which is somewhat unique compared to that of other kids. Finding the balance between understanding the needs of a youngster with ASD and discipline which is age appropriate and situationally necessary is achievable when applying some simple but effective strategies. These strategies can be implemented both at home and in more public settings.

General Behavior Problems

Traditional discipline may fail to produce the desired results for kids with ASD, primarily because they are unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures are apt to exacerbate the type of behavior the punishment is intended to reduce, whilst at the same time giving rise to distress in both the youngster and parent.

At all times the emotional and physical well-being of your youngster should take priority. Often this will necessitate removing your youngster from a potentially distressing situation as soon as possible. Consider maintaining a diary of your youngster's behavior with a view to ascertaining patterns or triggers. Recurring behavior may be indicative of a youngster taking some satisfaction in receiving a desired response from peers, parents or teachers.
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

For example, a youngster with ASD may come to understand that hurting another youngster in class will result in his being removed from class, notwithstanding the associated consequence to his peer. The solution may not be most effectively rooted in punishing the youngster for the behavior, or even attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of their injured peer, but by treating the root cause behind the motivation for the misbehavior...for example, can the youngster be made more comfortable in class so that they will not want to leave it?

One of the means to achieve this may be to focus on the positive. Praise for good behavior, and reinforcement by way of something like a Reward Book, can assist. The use of encouraging verbal cues delivered in a calm tone are likely to elicit more beneficial responses than the harsher verbal warnings which might be effective on kids who are not displaying some sort of autistic characteristic. If necessary, when giving directions to cease a type of misbehavior, these should also be couched as positives rather than negatives. For example, rather than telling a youngster to stop hitting his brother with the ruler, the youngster should be directed to put the ruler down.

Obsessive or Fixated Behavior

Almost all kids go through periods of development where they become engrossed in one subject matter or another, but kids with ASD often display obsessive and repetitive characteristics, which can have significant implications for behavior.

For example, if an ASD youngster becomes fixated upon reading a particular story each night, they may become distressed if this regime is not adhered to, or if the story is interrupted. Again, the use of a behavior diary can assist in identifying fixations for your youngster. Once a fixation is identified, it is important to set appropriate boundaries for your youngster. Providing a structure within which your youngster can explore the obsession can assist in then keeping the obsession within reasonable limits, without the associated angst which might otherwise arise through such limitations. For example, tell your youngster that they may watch their favorite cartoon for half an hour after dinner, and make clear time for that in their routine.

It is appropriate to utilize the obsession to motivate and reward your youngster for good behavior. Always ensure any reward associated with positive behavior is granted immediately to assist the youngster recognizing the nexus between the two.

A particularly useful technique to try to develop social reciprocity is to have your youngster talk for five minutes about a particularly favored topic after they have listened to you talk about an unrelated topic. This serves to help your youngster understand that not everyone shares their enthusiasm for their subject matter.

Bridging the Gap between ASD and Discipline and Other Siblings

For siblings without autism, the differential and what at times no doubt appears to be preferential treatment received by an ASD sibling can give rise to feelings of confusion and frustration. Often they will fail to understand why their brother or sister apparently seems free to behave as they please without the normal constraints placed upon them.

It is important to explain to siblings or peers of ASD kids and encourage open discussion about the disorder itself. Encouragement should extend to the things siblings can do to assist the autistic youngster, and this should be positively reinforced through acknowledgement when it occurs.

Sleep Difficulties
 
Kids on the spectrum are renowned for experiencing sleep problems. They may have lesser sleep requirements, and as such are more likely to become anxious about sleeping, or may find they become anxious when waking during the night or early in the morning.
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Combat your youngster's anxiety by making their bedrooms a place of safety and comfort. Remove or store items which might be prone to injure your youngster if they decide to wander at night. Include in the behavioral diary a record of your youngster's sleep patterns. It may assist your youngster if you keep a list of their routine, including dinner, bath time, story and bed, in order to provide structure. Include an image or symbol of them waking in the morning to provide assurance as to what will happen. Social stories have proven to be a particularly successful tactic in decreasing a youngster's anxiety by providing clear instructions on how part of their day is likely to play out.

At School

Another autistic characteristic is that kids will often experience difficulty during parts of the school day which lack structure. If left to their own devices their difficulties with social interaction and self-management can result in anxiety. The use of a buddy system can assist in providing direction, as can the creation of a timetable for recess and lunch times. These should be raised with class teachers and implemented with their assistance.

Explain the concept of free time to your youngster, or consider providing a separate purpose or goal for your youngster during such time, such as reading a book, or helping to set up paint and brushes for the afternoon tasks.

In Public

Kids with ASD can become overwhelmed to the point of distress by even a short sourjourn in public. The result is that many parents with ASD simply seek to avoid as much as possible situations where their youngster is exposed to the public. Whilst expedient, it may not offer the best long term solution to your youngster, and there are strategies to assist with outings.

Consider providing your youngster with an ipad, or have the radio on in the car to block out other sounds and stimuli. Prepare a social story or list explaining to the youngster a trip to the shops, or doctor. Be sure to include on the list your return home. Consider giving your youngster a task to complete during the trip, or having them assist you. At all times, maintaining consistency when dealing with ASD and discipline is key. It pays to ensure that others involved in your youngster's care are familiar with your strategies and techniques, such as those outlined above, and are able to apply them.
 
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Most importantly, don't hesitate to seek support networks for parents with ASD, and take advantage of the wealth of knowledge those who have dealt with the disorder before you have developed. The assistance you can gain from these and other resources can assist you in developing important strategies to deal with problems with ASD in a manner most beneficial to your youngster.

Additional Points to Consider

An autistic youngster may throw tantrum or behave aggressively when he is disappointed or frustrated as other kids do. But he is not doing it intentionally, because as an Autistic youngster, he is unable to understand that other people have thoughts and feelings. He doesn't know that other people hurt when he hit them. He may learn this as he gets older, but it may take sometimes. So how do parents of ASD kids tell them to not hit other people? How can they handle their misbehavior?

Discipline is about teaching your youngster good and appropriate behavior. Discipline is about helping them to become independent and responsible people. Regardless of whether your youngster is special need or not, you still need to discipline him with the consideration of his special needs. In particular, you need to keep in mind his unusual perception of pain. Therefore, hitting them or any physical punishment is a big no-no. The hitting will not teach that their behavior is unacceptable. In contrast, it may encourage them that hitting others is an acceptable behavior. It may even encourage self-injurious behavior. In fact many experts strongly agree to not use physical punishment on autistic kids and advised them to find alternative methods of discipline method.

The best method is through positive discipline, where you focus on his acceptable behavior and provide rewards so that your youngster would be encouraged to repeat the behavior. To do that, first you need to establish ground rules. The ground rules must states specifically of what is consider as an acceptable behavior and what is not. You must catch and reward them when they are well-behaved and following the rules. A reward need not necessarily be a physical or expensive reward. It can be genuine praise or word of encouragement. Most importantly, the reward must be clear and specific. The youngster should be able to know exactly the behavior that earned the reward. Rather than saying "Good job," say "Thank you for cleaning up your room."

Some Autistic youngsters are not able to generalize information. They are usually not able to apply what they learn in one learning context to another learning context. For example, he may learn that hitting his friend at school is not acceptable, but he may not necessarily understand that he cannot hit his sister at home. That is, once the situation changes, it will be a totally a new learning experience for him. Be consistent and provide many repetitions in disciplining them. If there is punishment, make sure that the punishment is always the same for the bad behavior. A consistent environment and many repetitions will help your Autistic youngster to learn and remember the differences between right and wrong.

Disciplining an Autistic youngster is not easy, but with your loving care and understanding of him will make the task much easier to fulfill. I feel by accommodating his special needs and the loved he feel, he takes discipline a lot better. Be persistent and enjoy every small success. He may not be the captain of a football team, but he is taking small steps to become an independent and responsible person.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Effective Discipline for "Sensitive" Children with High-Functioning Autism

"When we discipline our child, she will often go into a meltdown (like we are hurting her somehow). How can we set limits without her viewing it as negative punishment (so to speak) or that we are trying to 'make her feel bad'?"

Many children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) have been known to “meltdown” immediately after being reprimanded or disciplined by parents. Even the mildest form of correction (e.g., being told to stop banging a toy on the furniture) can be very upsetting to these “special needs” children.

A youngster who cries easily, shows excessive responses to appropriate consequences and general discipline, or breaks downs over minor issues is considered “sensitive.” Sensitive kids on the autism spectrum pose some significant challenges when it comes to discipline. They tend to become emotionally overwhelmed easily, are likely to get upset if the parent raises an eyebrow at their behavior, and often worry about getting into trouble.

What earmarks a youngster as sensitive?  

Sensitive kids may exhibit one or all of the following characteristics (the key is to notice a pattern of behavior and the degree to which your son or daughter exhibits one or more of the following):
  • Does he ask profound questions, think a lot on his own, or reflect on his experiences?
  • Does he seem especially sensitive to the feelings of animals?
  • Does she feel a wide, yet intense range of emotions?
  • Does she notice when small household items are moved, or minor changes in other people (e.g., a haircut)?
  • Does she sometimes get so excited she withdraws?
  • Does your youngster get emotionally overwhelmed easily?
  • Is your youngster highly aware of her surroundings?
  • Is your youngster highly sensitive to his senses (e.g., excellent sense of smell or hearing, very sensitive to pain, etc.)?

Coming to the conclusion that your AS or HFA youngster is sensitive can be tough – not tough to understand, but tough to swallow. But don’t despair! It is better that you know early on and take steps toward helping your youngster deal with his or her world going forward. 

As a mother or father, you may struggle trying to discipline your sensitive child. He may become hysterical when you enforce rules, or appear totally devastated when you correct improper behavior. But, discipline is part of parenting, and there are ways to discipline even a sensitive youngster. When determining your disciplinary methods, take your youngster’s sensitivities into account. Harsh discipline (i.e., punishment) or severe consequences (i.e., consequences that are disproportionate to the misbehavior) will make a bad problem worse. Instead, find ways to nurture and guide your “special needs” youngster.

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Here are just a few ways to effectively discipline sensitive children on the autism spectrum:

1. Although it’s tempting to bend the rules so as to not upset your sensitive AS or HFA youngster, it won’t be helpful in the long run. Flexibility with some rules is perfectly acceptable, but remember that your main task as a parent is to teach your youngster how to be a responsible grown-up. Overprotective and/or overindulgent parenting does not prepare children for the real world – it literally stunts their emotional growth.

2. Many sensitive kids on the spectrum get easily distressed when they have to make a decision, and they often reject opportunities out of fear.  Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is “nudge” her youngster to take a risk or try something new. If your sensitive youngster knows you will be there for him – and love him no matter what he is feeling – he will have less hesitation in new situations, and will be less self-conscious or “risk-averse.” Also, if he knows you’re not going to “push” him to be something he’s not, he will be more relaxed and prepared for the challenges ahead.

3. Rather than sending your sensitive youngster to "time-out" for bad behavior, create a “relaxation zone.” This is a place where he can go to unwind and recompose himself. Supply the zone with constructive activities (e.g., crayons and paper). Decorate it with soft pillows, or fill it with stuffed animals. When your sensitive youngster begins to act-out, direct him to his relaxation zone where he can have a break. This also gives you an opportunity to regain YOUR composure and rationally figure out the best way to address your child’s behavioral issue.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


4. Don’t try to change your youngster’s temperament. Instead, try to help her learn how to cope with sensitivity in a less sensitive world. Instead of viewing her as “weak and whiny,” focus on her abilities and gifts.

5. Make small changes over an extended period of time. If you need to make changes to your youngster’s environment, make them little by little. He will feel less overwhelmed and agitated as a result.

6. When issuing a consequence, explain your reasoning. As a mother or father, you probably believe that your youngster should follow the house rules because you are the “boss.” But, sensitive kids on the autism spectrum do best when parents explain their actions. These children are not necessarily trying to be defiant or questioning your authority and decisions, they simply don't understand why the rules are in place. So, take the time to explain why you are disciplining your child and why you want him to stop a particular behavior (e.g., “You are using this sharp knife as a toy. This is not a toy. You could cut yourself, and I don’t want that to happen. So from now on, if you choose to play with the knives again, you will also choose a consequence.”).

7. Praise your youngster’s “efforts” rather than only praising success. Make it clear that hard work is worthy of praise, even if it doesn’t turn out perfectly in the end. For example, provide praise for behaving bravely, for handling frustration appropriately, or for telling the truth (some sensitive kids lie to get out of trouble, so provide them with a lot of praise for being honest, especially if their honesty doesn’t paint them favorably).

8. Reframe your child’s sensitivities (i.e., turn it into a positive). Help her understand that she simply experiences the world more deeply than most kids – and help her see the strengths associated with this. For example, she probably notices things most people don't, or she may have the ability to stay highly focused on a subject of interest or a favored activity.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

9. Sensitive children on the spectrum are often overwhelmed and exhausted after dealing with crowds, noisy environments, bright lights, and other sources of over-stimulation. These children often need time to relax and take a break – otherwise, you can expect a meltdown. Thus, avoid over-scheduling your youngster or expecting too much participation in activities that may involve over-stimulation. Some moms and dads find it helpful to offer their youngster a “serenity corner” with quiet activities (e.g., coloring books, an iPod with soothing music, magazines to read, etc.).

10. Don’t try to force your AS or HFA youngster to adapt to society’s demands. Love and accept him unconditionally. You can’t change who he is. He needs to know you love him no matter how he perceives or reacts to the world.

11. Sensitive children need consequences for poor choices just like any other youngster. Just because a “special needs” boy or girl cries or feels bad doesn’t mean he or she should not receive a consequence for a particular behavioral problem. However, it is important to use discipline (i.e., parental instruction) and not punishment (i.e., parental revenge). Logical consequences are very helpful in the case of the AS or HFA child, because they connect the consequence directly to the misbehavior.

12. Sensitive children need to learn how to verbalize their uncomfortable emotions, and they need to discover appropriate ways to cope with those emotions. “Emotion coaching” can be an excellent way to help these young people how to identify and deal with uncomfortable feelings in socially acceptable ways.




13. “Demonstrate” rather than “order.” When your sensitive youngster acts badly, show her the behavior that you expect. In a calm manner using a soft voice, tell her to “stop and watch.” Then start doing the same behavior that she was doing (she may think you are being silly and realize how ridiculous her behavior was). Next, show her the proper behavior. The act of seeing what you expect (rather than listening to your lectures) will make a stronger and more memorable impact.

14. Before issuing a consequence for misbehavior, step away from the situation momentarily while you select your words carefully. Take a calm tone and clearly explain your youngster's incorrect behavior and the resultant consequence. Patiently explain to her the behavior that you expect in the future. After she has calmed down, give her a hug and reassure her that everything will be fine.

15. Sensitive children often feel bad if they “get in trouble,” so simply changing the way you word things can spin it into a reward (e.g., instead of saying, “You can’t play your video game unless you eat some of your vegetables,” …say, “If you eat some of your vegetables, you can earn some time to play video games!”). Create a formal reward system to help your child earn rewards consistently. However, always remember that the sensitive child usually feels bad if he doesn’t earn a reward. Thus, be prepared to praise his efforts and use reminders like, “You can try again tomorrow.”

In conclusion, consider being more sensitive yourself as the parent. Being a sensitive mom or dad may be helpful in understanding your AS or HFA youngster’s temperament and particular needs as to his sensitivities (e.g., lights, crowds, sounds, clothes, and other preferences). It is especially helpful if a sensitive youngster is born to a well-adjusted, sensitive parent that can steer him in the right emotional direction. Of course, this is true of any youngster with good role models. But, sensitive kids need especially good role models, because they are learning how to use their “gift of sensitivity” in a world that usually doesn't value this trait.

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Altered Disciplinary Methods for High-Functioning Autistic Children

"My 5 y.o. son was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. In light of this revelation, should I discipline him the same way I do my other kids, or should I make some adjustments based on his condition?"

Kids with ASD Level 1 or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) have no greater permission to misbehave than your other kids. But, the way you gain control over your “typical” kids’ behavior will differ with an HFA youngster, mostly because of differences in how he thinks and how he perceives rewards and discipline.

HFA kids do not respond well to negative reinforcement (e.g., threatening, scolding, etc.). Also, they don’t respond negatively to isolation, so the statement, “Go to your room!” may be seen as a reward instead of a consequence. Furthermore, spanking should never be used – not even as a last resort. 


Due to the way he thinks, your son probably won’t be able to tie the “misbehavior” to the “punishment,” leaving you back at square one. Therefore, you need to be more creative in defining which things will be viewed as rewards - and which things will be viewed as discipline.





Focus on rewarding (reinforcing) positive behavior rather than simply punishing “bad” behavior. Positive rewards can include being able to play a preferred computer game, listening to preferred music, or watching a preferred television program. Rewarding your son in this way may be enough to alter his behavior accordingly.

These specific privileges are often offered because HFA kids respond less to human contact - or even human praise – and more to the presence or absence of “things.” Rewards can be offered along with praise, but praise alone has little positive benefit and doesn’t improve self-esteem the same way it does for “typical” kids.

Discipline should involve removing anything your son prefers (e.g., television, toys, computer games, movies, etc.). All discipline and rewards must come with very concrete explanations as to why they are given. Only then can he match the reward or consequence with the behavior he has engaged in - and only then can change occur.

"Make-ups" can also be used as a form of discipline. This mother of an HFA child describes it well:

"I find it is critical that my son (9 yrs) have the chance to earn back his lost computer time. He usually is given the chance to do 'make ups' - to help me with a chore I would usually do or give me comfort in or whomever he has wronged. We negotiate these things depending. This week - he freaked out that the shirt he likes to wear to church each week was dirty, and he yelled at his dad for 20 minutes - so he picked up 50 sticks in the yard. He had a meltdown in public with me - so he had to play an anger management game with me or empty the dishwasher. 'Make ups' have to be approved by the offended. If we're fighting over homework and he's had a punishment given - it might simply be that he finishes the rest of the work without any more arguing and foregoes a break or agrees to work ahead on something."
 
==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
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How To Discipline Rebellious Aspergers and HFA Teens

"Nothing we have done to get our ASD teen to avoid the ups and downs of his behavior and mood swings has helped. We need help now!"

Disciplining a teenager with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) is likely to bring out the best and the worst in a parent. Moms and dads try to help their “special needs” teenager make up for what's missing by increasing their love and attention, but he or she often triggers special frustrations in parents.

Most teens go through predictable stages of development in adolescence. You know about when to expect what behavior and how long it will last. Knowing you don't have to weather this “difficult behavior” indefinitely helps you cope. But with many teens on the autism spectrum, stages seem to go on forever, as do the frustrations in both the teenager and the parent.

Parenting an Aspergers or HFA son or daughter is a tough job. The ups and downs and joys and sorrows are magnified. You rejoice at each accomplishment, and you worry about each new challenge.

Here are some important tips for disciplining the special needs teen:

1. Aspergers and HFA teenagers need developmentally-appropriate structure, but it requires sensitivity on your part to figure out what is needed when. Watch the teen, not the calendar. Try to get inside his head.

2. Be prepared to run out of patience.

3. Be sure to change your standards. Before a child is even born, moms and dads imagine what his life will be like (e.g., piano lessons, baseball, graduating from college, marriage, etc.). Even with a “typical” teen, you have to reconcile these dreams with reality as he grows up. With a teen on the autism spectrum, this is a bigger task. You learn to live in the present. The milestones of your teen's life are less defined and the future less predictable (though he may surprise you). In the meantime, set your standards for your teen at an appropriate level.

4. Don't compare your “special needs” child to other “typical” children. Your Aspergers or HFA teen is special. Comparing her to others of the same age is not fair.

5. Don't focus on the disorder. Instead, practice positive parenting to the highest degree that you can without shortchanging other members of the family. Feeling loved and valued from positive parenting helps a teen cope with the lack of a particular skill.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

6. Visual aids may help your teenager see the reason for the consequence.  Make an “if/then chart” or a “discipline chart” that shows exactly what will happen if the teenager engages in a particular behavior.  Another visual aid that comes in handy is a “rewards chart.”  Equal importance should be placed on good behavior, including lots of praise and tangible rewards, to balance out the negativity.

7. View “misbehavior” as a signal of needs. Everything teenagers do tells you something about what they need. This principle is particularly true with Aspergers and HFA teenagers.

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8. There are occasions when negative consequences become necessary (e.g., grounding, taking away privileges, etc.), but they should always be immediate, definite, and relevant. Teens on the spectrum tend not to perceive cause and effect and are likely to have short memories, so prolonged consequences not only lose their impact, but also their effectiveness. Taking away the teen’s favorite activity for being rude to his mother or father, for example, is not relevant to the infraction. The focus for the teen, then, becomes the lost privilege and his anger at his mom or dad – not what he did to incur the consequence in the first place. A more appropriate consequence might be for the mother or father to respond, "I won't listen to that kind of talk," and walk away.

9. Teens with Aspergers and HFA thrive on structure and clear rules. Thus, posting a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences can be very helpful.

10. These young people tend to enjoy being isolated, because it is less stressful for them and they do not have to socialize with others. For these teens, being sent to their bedrooms for a time-out can actually be a positive experience unless modified slightly (e.g., being sent to the bedroom with no computer privileges).

11. Reset your anger buttons. Your "special needs" teen will do some things that exasperate you.

12. Remember that discipline literally means "teach" – not "punish." Negative punishments rarely change unwanted behavior permanently. They only stop the behavior in that particular time and setting. Positive consequences, on the other hand, have been shown to be far more effective in changing inappropriate behavior patterns. Aspergers and HFA teens respond well to praise, encouragement, and positive reinforcement. Complimenting the teenager for a responsible, cooperative, or compassionate act will tend to promote that behavior.

13. Moms and dads should list the behaviors that they feel are most deserving of attention. This is an important step because some behaviors may need intervention or therapy in order to be eliminated rather than simple disciplinary tactics. Odd self-soothing behaviors are common in young people with sensory processing issues, and they can be easily replaced with more appropriate ones.

14. Give your teen choices. Initially, you may have to guide your teen into making a choice, but just the ability to make a choice helps the teen feel important. Present the choices in the teen's language. The more you use this tip, the more you will learn about your teen's abilities and preferences.

15. Help your teen build a sense of responsibility. There is a natural tendency to want to rush in and do things for a “special needs” teen. For these teenagers, the principle of "show them how to fish rather than give them a fish" applies all the more. The sense of accomplishment that accompanies being given responsibility gives the teen a sense of value and raises his self-esteem.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

16. Know that “different” doesn't mean “lesser.” In a teenager's mind, being different means being substandard. This feeling may be more of a problem for “typical” teens than for Aspergers and HFA teens. Most teenagers measure their self-worth by how they believe others perceive them. Be sure your teen's siblings don't fall into this "different equals inferior" trap. This is why the term "special needs" is not only socially correct, but it's a positive term, not a value judgment. In reality, all teenagers could wear this label.

17. Know that “different” doesn't mean “unable.” While it is true you have to change your expectations of an Aspergers or HFA teen, you don't have to lower your standards of discipline. It's tempting to get lax and let your teenager get by with behaviors you wouldn't tolerate from your other kids. Your teen needs to know, early on, what behavior you expect. Many moms and dads wait too long to start behavior training. It's much harder to redirect a 130 pound young man than a 50 pound boy. Like all teenagers, the Aspergers or HFA teen must be taught to adjust to family routines, to obey, and to manage his behavior.

18. Moms and dads need to be in agreement when applying discipline to any teenager, but especially for teens on the spectrum. If one parent thinks grounding is the appropriate punishment, while the other feels that time-outs will be more effective, this will be confusing for the teenager.


The Struggles in Adolescence for Teens on the Autism Spectrum 




Disciplining a teenager with Aspergers or HFA is not an easy task, particularly in light of some of the characteristics commonly associated with the disorder (e.g., a short memory for misdeeds but not for the consequences, the inability to perceive cause and effect and to generalize from one situation to another, the tendency to blame others rather than assume responsibility for behavior, etc.). Nonetheless, with patience, humor, and a sense of perspective, moms and dads can become their teen's ally, even in their role of authority.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens
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Amazing Parenting Tricks for Raising Children on the Autism Spectrum

Amazing or not, raising a child with Aspergers or high functioning autism (HFA) will take a few "tricks of the trade" that you wouldn't need to have "up your sleeve" were you raising a "typical" child. If you are at your wits end - and need a few fresh ideas in dealing with behavioral issues, then take notes:

1. When it comes to getting your youngster to do chores, consider the "hiring a substitute" method. Your child may choose to hire someone to do his chore (e.g., by paying a wage of $1.00 he has saved from an allowance), or mutually agree to trade chores with a sibling.

2. Have your child rehearse new behaviors. In addition to telling your child the correct way to do something, have him/her rehearse it (e.g., dealing with bullies, not slamming the door when entering a room, walking through the house rather than running).



3. Ignore behavior that will not harm your son or daughter (e.g., bad habits, bad language, arguing with a sibling). It's hard to do nothing, but this lack of attention takes away the very audience your youngster is seeking.

4. Most children on the autism spectrum have trouble with transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected. Give plenty of warnings. Have the youngster repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to. Some kids need to negotiate for that "can I have one more minute?" A little extra patience on the parent’s part may help avoid a useless meltdown.

5. Parents can be decisive. Some parents have always been indecisive about what course of action to try with their child. They jump from one parenting technique to the other without giving any one technique enough time to be effective, or they try a new parenting technique once and then give up in frustration because it didn’t work. Some parents will say, “We’ve tried everything and nothing works with this kid.” What I usually see is parents floating from one parenting tool to another without sticking with one particular tool for a significant period of time.

6. Parents can practice humility. When you are wrong, quickly admit this to your child. This will model (a) making amends and (b) that it’s safe to make mistakes. “Admitting your mistakes” teaches your child to respect others.

7. Parents can use ‘reverse’ psychology. For example, “That’s not like you …you’re able to do much better.” This line works because your kid will live up – or down – to your expectations.

8. Parents can use humor to deal with family-stress. For example: Instead of reacting to your kid's temper tantrum, start singing, “The hills are alive with sound of music…”

9. Post a list of jobs that need to be done, such as washing the car, weeding the garden, etc. Let your child choose a "work detail" as a way to "make up" for rule violations.

10. Remember that Aspergers and HFA kids want structure. Most of them are actually starved for structure – it helps them feel safe.

11. Sometimes (depending on the child’s temperament), one of the worst things a parent of an autistic child can say is, "If you do that one more time, you'll be disciplined." You may find that your youngster will be irresistibly drawn to do just that, at once -- whether because you've set an impulse in motion, because he can't deal with the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or because he gets stuck on what you've said. Instead of specifying “one more time,” try saying, "I have a number of times in my head, and you're not going to know what that number is. But when you hit that number, you will get a punishment." This gives your youngster a few extra chances if he seems to be trying without going back on a threat, and  it gives him a little comfort zone to know that he can slip-up once or twice. Some children will dislike the uncertainty of this approach, and for them, this might not be the best strategy. But if certainty is more pressure than your youngster can handle, this trick may be helpful in most cases.

12. Tell your youngster your predictions regarding the negative outcomes of his poor choices (use labels when needed). For example: “If you continue to steal, people will call you a ‘thief’, and when things come up missing, they will blame you.” -- or -- "If you continue to lie, people will call you a ‘liar’, and even if you tell them the truth, they won't believe you." When your predictions come true, your child will begin to trust your judgment.

13. The life of a youngster on the spectrum can often be overwhelming. The treatment for his over-reaction is to defuse the situation, not inflame it. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Remember, the parent may have to cool off as well. Serious discussion can only occur during times of composure. Remember: “bad” behavior usually occurs because the child is spinning out of control, not because he is evil.

14. Think of your youngster as a train with an “anxiety speedometer.” When that speedometer reaches 70 mph, it’s going to take a long time to stop that train. The goal is to keep your child from coming anywhere close to 70 mph. Now, imagine you enter the room when the youngster is at an anxiety level of 50 mph. For your child, the stress of the current situation is getting to him. What can you do to slow that train down before it gathers momentum? Laugh, divert, distract, negotiate, or anything else you can think of – and the speedometer comes down to 30 mph (assuming you have cleverly disguised your intervention).

15. Tie what you 'want' to what he 'needs' (e.g., "When you come home from school on time, then you can have a friend over").

16. When behavior starts turning ugly, redirect to a positive direction rather than criticizing the “misbehavior” (e.g., if your youngster is fighting with a sibling, then suggest a new activity like having a snack, rather than handing out a consequence).

17. Do not shield your youngster from the results of her choices unless it puts her in danger. For example:
  • Child doesn’t go to bed on time >>> she gets up and goes to school anyway even though she’s tired and sleepy
  • Child doesn’t study for her math test >>> she fails
  • Child doesn’t maintain her bicycle >>> it falls apart and she walks thereafter

18. Consequences can be by parental design. For example:
  • Child leaves her toiletries in disarray throughout the bathroom each school morning >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent confiscates all items for a period of time (technique works with clothes and toys as well)

19. Parents can rearrange space. Try creative solutions. For example:
  •  If school notes and homework are misplaced, assign a special table or counter for materials
  • If chores are forgotten, post a chart with who does what when

20. Parents can use adjustment. Here are several ways to adjust:
  • Realize the same discipline may not work in all situations because of the unique features of the disorder.
  • Try to blend a combination of several parenting tools to create a more effective discipline.
  • Don’t believe it when your child seems unaffected by discipline. Kids on the spectrum often pretend discipline doesn’t bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When a child pretends a discipline doesn’t bother him, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child’s disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your child’s reactions.

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Aggression in Teenagers with Autism Spectrum Disorder

"Is aggression typically a trait of teens with ASD? I'm a single parent and my 17 y.o. son is becoming more verbally and physically aggressive and I do not know if this will escalate to dangerous levels."
 
Adolescents with ASD (high-functioning autism) are often not found to be physically aggressive unless they feel threatened in some manner. 
 
For some young people on the spectrum, aggression may become quite common when reaching adolescence, and this may be clearly influenced by the parenting styles of the mother and/or father. 
 
Also, if your son is on the receiving end of teasing, bullying and peer-rejection at school, then aggression and shutdowns can be expected either at home or school (or both).
 
One of the key factors in determining an ASD youngster's tendency to develop aggression later in life may involve the presence of a maternally sensitive woman who can balance the discipline and aggression in life.

In many of today's families, it is not uncommon to find either a mother or father is absent from the teen's life. Because a teen's mental health is often greatly influenced by the presence of maternal nurturing and the balance of a father's discipline, when either of these are absent in the life of an ASD teenager, aggression can develop. 
 

If you are the parent of a child with ASD, it is important to provide this balance to your child-rearing efforts. If you are a single mother, and your youngster's father is not present (or still lives in the house - but is emotionally unavailable), you can expect your son's aggression may be present as you provide the maternal sensitivity he needs while also attempting to be the disciplinarian. 
 
Because kids on the spectrum have trouble differentiating social cues and are confused by discipline when expressed by their mother, the authoritarian type of parenting is often met with aggression. For this reason, having a male role model who can provide that discipline (i.e., guidance, not punishment) while you provide the maternal sensitivity will go a long way in your son's long-term development.

Conversely, if you are a father who is raising an ASD youngster alone, you will want to be sure that you find ways to be sensitive and nurturing to his or her needs. Because fathers are more likely to be the authoritarian, a woman's sensitivity will be important in your son's mental health. Often, this role can be filled by a woman who is an aunt or even a grandmother - and does not necessarily mean that a step-mother or step-parent is necessary.

ASD is a developmental disorder that affects many adolescents by resulting in abnormal social development. For moms and dads, offsetting the risk for development of aggression is most likely achieved by first identifying your parenting style - as either disciplinarian or nurturing - and then finding someone who can fulfill the role as the opposite parenting style. 
 
Trying to manage both the motherly role and the fatherly role may lead to confusion in your child, and this may further exacerbate the ASD-related complications into adulthood.

Teens with ASD may display some – or all - of the following characteristics:
  • lack of appreciation that communication involves listening as well as talking (e.g., they may not allow their communication partner an opportunity to engage in the conversation)
  • narrow field of interests (e.g., a teen with ASD may focus on learning all there is to know about cars, trains or computers)
  • preference for playing alone
  • very literal understanding of what has been said
  • anger and aggression when things do not happen as they want
  • apparently good language skills, but difficulty with communication
  • language may be considered to be very advanced or ‘precocious’ when compared to their peers
  • the teen may be able to talk extensively on a topic of interest, but have difficulty with more practical tasks such as recounting the day’s events, telling a story, or understanding jokes and sarcasm
  • behavior varies from mildly unusual, eccentric or ‘odd’ to quite aggressive and difficult
  • difficulty in forming friendships
  • having rules and rituals that they insist all family members follow
  • inability to understand the rules of social behavior, the feelings of others and difficulty ‘reading’ body language (e.g., a teen with ASD may not understand that someone is showing that they are unhappy by frowning)
  • sensitivity to criticism

==> Discipline for Defiant ASD / High-Functioning Autistic Teens
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Strategies for Transforming ASD Meltdowns into Moments of Connection

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a multifaceted neurological condition influencing how individuals interpret the world around them and how ...