Modified Disciplinary Techniques for Children on the Autism Spectrum

If your youngster has High-Functioning Autism (HFA), should you discipline him in a different way than you do with your other kids? The answer is YES! But, they still need discipline. HFA is a challenge, not an excuse for misbehavior. Nonetheless, moms and dads will need to be more flexible in their expectations.

Parents must understand up front that HFA impacts their child’s ability to understand instruction, follow through on tasks, and control his impulses. Also, they will need to provide discipline and instruction more often and with more consistency. Your “special needs” child is emotionally much younger than his chronological age. After all, he has a “developmental disorder.” So, lessons may take longer to sink in.



Misbehavior from kids on the autism spectrum is frustrating – and repeated disobedience over an extended time can be infuriating to many moms and dads. Just like with their “typical” kids, most parents will automatically respond to misbehavior by using punishment to stop it. But this isn’t the most effective approach – especially for a youngster with combined autism and ADHD or ODD. Punishment alone never teaches new behavior. It only teaches what NOT to do – it doesn’t teach what TO do.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Here are a few tips regarding modified disciplinary techniques for kids on the autism spectrum:

A Different Form of Time-out—

Kids on the spectrum often enjoy playing alone. As a result, a “time-out” in their bedroom is often a reward rather than a punishment. Thus, when issuing a time-out with your HFA child, it’s best to put him in a place without the comforts of the bedroom (e.g., at the dining room table without games, toys, digital devices, etc.).

Keep time-outs unusually short (e.g., 1 minutes for young kids, 3 minutes for preschoolers, and 5 minutes for 6-10 year olds). This is plenty of time IF your child shows quiet feet, quiet hands, and quiet mouth. Long time-outs often start a battle of wills, and the message that the consequence sends gets lost.

Contrast “time-out” with “time-in.” For example, if you put your HFA youngster in time-out for pushing his sister, you should have been praising him earlier for playing appropriately with his sister – and should praise him after time-out for completing the 1-5 minute consequence successfully. If there isn't a big difference between time-out and time-in, the “special needs” youngster doesn't understand the consequence.

If you tell your youngster to go to time-out and she ignores you, then simply add 1 minute to her time-out. If she ignores you again, then add another minute. If she ignores you a third time, DON’T add more additional minutes (if it goes over 5 minutes), and DON’T pick her up and drag her to time-out. This will make things worse, and the attention (which is now negative attention) can unintentionally reinforce the noncompliance. 

 

The course of action at this point is to simply impose a consequence that “hurts” (e.g., no video games for the rest of the day). Deliver that consequence calmly, and don't talk about it further. Even if your youngster says, “No mom, I'll go into time-out now” …don't give in! Otherwise, she will know that you “cave-in” if she just sounds desperate enough.

A “prompt” (e.g., a timer) to signal the beginning and end of a time-out will help. If your youngster won’t cooperate, remind her that the time-out doesn’t start until she is quietly in her time-out location.

Practice time-outs ahead of time. For example, ask your youngster to pretend that she behaved badly, and that she is being sent to time-out. Have her practice going to time-out without putting up a fight. Then reward with acknowledgement and praise for completing the practice run.

 

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

A Different Reward System—

Rewards work well for kids with HFA, but they, too, may need to be tweaked slightly. For instance, one expectation may be to take turns when playing games with siblings. It's probably not realistic to set that expectation for a whole day, because if the HFA child messes up in the morning, he’s lost the entire day. Rather, break the day up into thirds and give points for appropriate behavior in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening. Once your child has earned points, you can’t take them away.

So, if your child plays fairly in the morning, he earns reward points (rewards can include doing something special, or receiving a special treat or privilege). If he plays unfairly in the afternoon, he must leave the game and go somewhere else for a timeout, and he doesn’t receive reward points – BUT he doesn’t lose the morning points he earned. Also, most kids on the spectrum need more frequent rewards. They will lose interest if they have to wait an entire week to earn one.

Avoiding Physical Punishment—

A good ass-whipping may have worked for you as a child – I know it did for me! However, spanking, yelling, or other aversive methods should never be used on an HFA child. These somewhat traditional (or old school) methods may work in the short term, but they don’t prevent problematic behavior in the long run – often resulting in worse problems! This is because one side-effect of the use of physical punishment is counter-aggression. So, if you use this type of punishment on your “special needs” youngster, guess what he is going to do the next time he’s angry with his sister? Counter-aggress!

Physical punishment teaches aggressive behavior; it teaches how to punish back. Also, the HFA youngster may begin to engage in escape or avoidance behavior. For example, if he gets spanked at home for acting-out at school, he may refuse to go to school due to the anxiety he now has about his school-related, acting-out behavior.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Taking Advantage of Obsessions—

Almost all kids go through periods of development where they become engrossed in one subject matter or another, but kids with HFA often display obsessive and repetitive characteristics, which can have significant implications for behavior. In many cases, it is appropriate to utilize the obsession or “special interest” to motivate and reward your youngster for good behavior. However, always ensure any reward associated with positive behavior is granted immediately in order to assist the youngster in recognizing the connection between the two.

Concrete Instruction—

The HFA child also does better with very specific instructions. For example, instead of telling her to “clean her room,” be specific. For example, “Be sure to pick all clothes off the floor, and put all books on the bookshelves.” In this way, she clearly understands what to do. Also, this chore should be visually represented on a chore chart somewhere in her bedroom.

Learn How Your Child Thinks—

Kids on the spectrum tend to be very logical in their thinking, focusing more on facts than feelings. If the consequence doesn’t make sense, it will not likely change the unwanted behavior (e.g., making the child do extra chores because he got mad and broke his favorite toy). The discipline must fit the “crime” (e.g., the child breaks his treasured toy, so he must take money from his allowance to purchase a new one). There must be a connection between the misbehavior and the discipline. 

 

So, before you discipline, be mindful that your youngster's logic will not necessarily reflect your idea of common sense. In addition, look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your youngster to make mistakes for which you can set aside “discipline-teaching” time. This will be a learning process for your youngster – and you!




Picking the Right Battles—

Parents can't change everything at once in their HFA youngster. Instead, they should choose a few big things that they want to work on, and put the other things aside for now. Pick your battles carefully. BUT, when you do pick one, stay with it and be consistent! HFA children thrive on consistency, routine and structure. Use this trait to your advantage.

Replacement Behavior—

Kids on the autism spectrum need a “replacement behavior.” So, rather than saying, “You need to stop that” …say something such as, “I need you to stop _______ (be very specific in describing the misbehavior), and do ________ instead (be very specific in describing the replacement behavior).” For example, “I need you to stop bullying your sister. So, go to your room and find something else to do. Maybe play your video game.” Also, use the phrase “I need…..” as noted above. This is something YOU, the parent, need. Your HFA child doesn’t “need” to stop picking on his sister. He’s perfectly fine with doing it.

Visual Instruction—

Another important consideration for a youngster with HFA is to teach him the skills he needs to succeed BEFORE he has a problem. For instance, all kids need guidance to help them keep up with chores and homework. However, a child on the autism spectrum can't be expected to "just get it" from verbal instruction. Instead, he needs a visual schedule that he can follow. So, devise a visual chore chart, as well as a homework chart (i.e., what is to be done, in what order, and when it is to be completed).

In order to effectively discipline the HFA child, parents will need to comprehend each of the factors above and fully place them in the proper context of any given situation. This knowledge will aid parents in catching problems early and laying a foundation for “prevention,” rather than dealing with problems after they occur and having to jump to “intervention.”

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

Imposing Effective Consequences for Noncompliant Teens on the Autism Spectrum

“I’m a single mom raising a son on the spectrum (high functioning autistic). He is 16 and a half years old. I get eye rolls from him on a daily basis, impatient ‘Duhs’ when I say something that is apparently just so obvious, and the insistence on having it his way, whether it’s a minor event (“I want 10 more minutes on this game”), or more major (“I’m not going to dad’s this weekend”). I think he was picking up some of this cocky attitude from a few other students in school who are known to be trouble makers. Some of it I chalk up to his strong-willed personality, and, of course, a lot of it has to be his disorder. So, because I passionately want him to grow up to be strong, but not obnoxious …confident, but not rude …and determined, but not defiant, I need some advice on how to use positive discipline with this child.”

Issuing consequences to an “out of line” adolescent with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS) is likely to bring out the best and the worst in parents. They want to help their son or daughter make up for what's missing by increasing their love and attention, but these “special needs” adolescents can trigger unique frustrations in moms and dads.

Most adolescents go through foreseeable stages of development in the teen years. Parents know about when to expect what behavior - and how long it will last. When parents know that they don't have to weather this “challenging behavior” phase indefinitely, it helps them cope. But, with many ASD adolescents, the “challenging behavior” stage seems to go on forever, as does the aggravation for the parent.

Raising an autistic teen is a tough job. The joys and sorrows – as well as the ups and downs – are amplified. You cheer at each accomplishment, and you agonize about each new challenge.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Here are some important disciplinary strategies for adolescents on the autism spectrum:

1. Visual aids may help your adolescent see the reason behind your disciplinary techniques.  Make an “If/Then Chart” or a “Consequence Chart” that shows exactly what will happen if your adolescent engages in a particular behavioral problem – and why that specific discipline “fits the crime.” Always remember this major tenet: Adolescents on the spectrum thrive on structure and clear rules! Thus, posting a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences is very helpful.

2. Another visual aid that is needed is a “rewards chart.”  Equal importance should be placed on appropriate behavior (e.g., acknowledgement and praise, tangible rewards, etc.) to balance out the negative side of things.

3. View “disobedience” as a sign that your teen “needs” something. Every “misbehavior” an ASD adolescent engages in tells parents something about what he or she needs. For example, if your son becomes indignant when asked to do his homework while he is in the middle of playing video games, he is saying in essence, “I’m not prepared to make that transition right now.” Thus, what’s needed here is more structure, which could entail an “activities chart” that illustrates the exact time homework is to be started (and possibly an alarm that sounds 15 minutes prior to “homework time” as a reminder). In this way, there are no disappointing surprises.

4. Of course, there are occasions when consequences for poor choices become necessary (e.g., grounding, taking away privileges, etc.). But, with autistic teens, the consequences should always be (a) immediate, (b) specific, (c) relevant, and (d) short-term:

• Immediate – A “special needs” teen is likely to have a short memory. So, a consequence issued later in the day for misbehavior that occurred earlier that morning will lose its effectiveness.
• Specific – ASD teens are very fact-oriented and do not do well in ambiguous situations. Thus, parents must briefly explain in very concrete terms why the teen is receiving a particular consequence.
• Relevant –  Adolescents on the autism spectrum may not be able to perceive cause-and-effect, thus the consequence must make sense to them. For example, withdrawing a privilege (such as loss of computer time) for being rude is not relevant to the infraction. Playing on the computer has nothing to do with rudeness. In this case, a more germane consequence would be to have the teen apologize to the offended party. (Note: I’m not saying that you should NEVER issue a consequence that doesn’t have a direct tie-in to the misbehavior in question, simply use the loose tie-in as a last resort. In the example above, if the teen refuses to apologize for being rude, then give him the option of (a) apologizing or (b) losing his favorite activity for a period of time. In this way, he has the choice to accept the lesser consequence - an apology, or the stiffer one - loss or privileges.)
• Short-term – Prolonged consequences will lose their impact due to the fact that most teens on the spectrum have attentional difficulties. In other words, if they are grounded for 3 days, they may forget why they are being punished after the second day.

5. Positive consequences have been shown to be very effective in changing the inappropriate behavior patterns of autistic adolescents (e.g., praise, encouragement, positive reinforcement, etc.). For example, complimenting your adolescent for a responsible, cooperative, or compassionate act will tend to promote that behavior. Thus, catch your teenager doing things right MORE OFTEN than you catch him or her doing things wrong. Diligently search for these opportunities.

 

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

6. Keep a diary of your teen’s behavior with the goal of discovering patterns or triggers for misconduct. Recurring behavior may be indicative of the teen taking some gratification in receiving a desired response from the parent or teacher. For instance, the teen may discover that arguing with one of his classmates will result in his being removed from class, which is exactly what he wants.

In this case, the punishment for the misbehavior, or attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of the classmate, may not provide a solution. Instead, it would be best to look at the motivation for the misbehavior. A good question to ask is, “How can this teenager be made more comfortable in class so that he will not want to leave it?”

7. Pick your battles carefully. You can’t possibly address every behavior problem that comes down the pike. Also, some behavior problems may need some form of therapy in order to be eliminated, rather than some form of discipline. So, learn to prioritize. Make a list of 3 or 4 behaviors that you feel are the most deserving of attention, and only work on those.

8. Some parents of a teen on the spectrum can become overprotective. They may make frequent excuses for his behavior, or they may not impose consequences for poor choices where most others agree it to be warranted. When this happens – regardless of the disorder – the balance of authority shifts. The teenager gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little or no discipline.

The parent who does very little in the way of discipline, or who micromanages every aspect of the teen’s life is teaching some very artificial life lessons that will significantly hinder the teen in the real world. Knowing when, how, and how much to discipline the ASD teen is very challenging. You may be filled with worry for your teen and his future. But, you still need to find balance in your role as a parent and disciplinarian. There is a fine line between being an effective mother or father, and being perceived as pampering of the “special needs” teen.

9. Don't lower your standards of discipline simply because you have a “special needs” teen. Parents may be tempted to get lax and let their adolescent get by with behaviors they wouldn't tolerate from their other children. Just as with any other teen, adolescents on the autism spectrum need to know - early on - what behavior parents expect. Some moms and dads wait too long to start their “tough love” strategies for out-of-control teen behavior. Then, as their teen transitions to adulthood, parents wonder why their adult child is still playing video games in the basement rather than attending college or working somewhere.

10. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for imposing appropriate consequences – even when the child has a “disorder.” Behavior management is not about punishing or demoralizing your teenager. Rather, it's a way to lovingly set boundaries and communicate expectations. Imposing consequences is one of the most important ways you show your  teen that you love and care about him.

11. Help your adolescent build a sense of responsibility. Parents of “special needs” teens may be tempted to rush in and do things for them. But for these adolescents, the principle of "show them how to fish rather than give them a fish" applies all the more.

12. Adolescents on the spectrum tend to prefer being isolated. Thus, being sent to their room for a time-out can actually be a reward for misbehavior unless modified slightly (e.g., being sent to the room with no computer privileges).

Knowing the best way to impose consequences for misbehavior is not an easy task, particularly in light of some of the characteristics commonly associated with the ASD level 1 (e.g., the tendency to blame others rather than assume responsibility for behavior, the inability to perceive cause-and-effect, difficulty generalizing from one situation to another, having a short memory for misdeeds - but not for the consequences, and so on). Nevertheless, with patience, humor, and a sense of perspective, you can become your adolescent's supporter and advocate, even in your role of authority.

 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD

 

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… After going to an all day training on the (neurotypical) teenage brain, I came to believe that typical teenage behavior/brain development is very, very similar to autistic behavior, so all the best techniques that you already use will be helpful. One tidbit I loved is learning that typical teens can't read facial expressions accurately and misread everything as anger, leading to defensiveness, so I tell our boys, "Your brain seems to be misinterpreting something you see on our (parent) faces that isn't there. We are surprised, not angry. Please try (that attitude in response) again." (Also, don't lift your eyebrows. Communicate as if you have Botox face. Every facial twitch can make them feel afraid of/react to misperceived perceived anger.) Teaching our own boys about the parts of their brain and how it changes (esp prefrontal cortex) has been helpful in our home. Logic helps them understand the emotion and to know that what they are experiencing is completely normal (brain and hormonal), so it takes some of the reaction away and allows everyone to respond. The more I learn about development at each stage, the better I can figure out the most effective tools to adapt for my kiddos. I can't find the specific seminar link right now but this link has some great tidbits.

•    Anonymous said… Ahhhh summer vacation is just barely a week old yet .. my kid has already spent 1 full day of boooooring with no electronics .. at my office doing tedious but simple tasks.

I don't have the patience to deal with the sass & non-listening for the entire summer. I already feel like a broken record. Thank goodness I have a boss that is ok with me bringing in my kid once in a while. I tell her that if she cannot behave for the other adults (like grandparents & sitters), then I have to watch her and the only way I can do that is if she comes to work. So no fun activities, or even "boring tv" or "boring sitting in the backyard reading" .. then she can tag along to work instead.

•    Anonymous said… Btw .. mine is 11.5 .. she has a "phone" - it doesn't have a phone but it had apps & internet & YouTube .. plus she has a d/s & a wiiu and we live super close o a library and within walking distance of a splash pad and a dollar store (so there's often cheap snacks/trinkets) ..  So a day at my office once in a while usually helps with the attitude for a while .. especially with the potential threat of all p.a. days sitting by the shredder  :p

•    Anonymous said… I have a nineteen year old who has Aspergers, he is wonderful, but his life is very difficult......in so many ways

•    Anonymous said… I have twin daughters on the spectrum (HFA) - they are 11 now but when they were younger they did this and then they would answer each other in quotes- as if it were normal. They still go line for line when they find dialogue that amuses them

•    Anonymous said… I think support forum is needed. I feel awfully stressed when my son is this way too

•    Anonymous said… I use my friends sons who are similar ages to my Aspie son as a guide to filter out normal behaviour versus classic Aspie behaviour. To be honest I have found that in the main my son is just going through typical teenager angsts, Similar to what you have described above. Most of my parenting comes from trial and error with him, although his behaviour is mostly typical teenager stuff, the style of discipline he responds to is very different from the other children who are not on the spectrum. I always set clear instructions and give fore-warnings, for example I will go up 30 mins before he is due to turn of the computer and remind him that his time is up soon etc. I never leave it 5 mins before as I know it will cause a meltdown as the transition that quickly is too much for him. Sometimes we have to modify our parenting. Speak to your DR to see if you have any parenting classes for ASD or support groups in your area to get advice etc.

•    Anonymous said… I would honestly tell him how what he says makes you feel/ why you are asking him to do/ not do something. I spell it out for every kid I teach. It tends to help them understand better what I am asking of them and why. Less confusion, less resentment, and much less attitude when the realize I'm not just being a buzz kill because I can. I also dangle a reward for good behaviour. So usually it's at the end of the day they get free time/ a game/ to do something they want if it's possible. Then they tend to stay in line because that reward is strongly desired and they know how to get it.  It has worked for me for students with a range of challenges. I do treat them all like they have choices and the ability to think for themselves. Lots of kids that have given me feedback say that I don't treat them like kids because they feel respected and equal in the conversation. I put things in terms they understand but I talk to them like I would another adult I was having problems with. Often they have logic and reasoning skills good enough to understand at least that part of my explanation.

•    Anonymous said… In all senses I feel for you as I do with what's comin for me! I have 2 NT children who are 21 and 1! And one gorgeous lil aspie who's 6 x

•    Anonymous said… Mine is 6 and like this! God help me  🙏🏼

•    Anonymous said… My 9 yr old is about the sameeeee way

•    Anonymous said… Social behavior is often mimicked without really being understood. It could be a way of communicating even if unappropriate. Perhaps he does not understand how hurtful sarcasm can be.

•    Anonymous said… That's my 18 year old son, except he is verbally abusive. His Dad was no help throughout all of this. He never thought anything was different with him. So he let him run wild at his house.....We had 60/40 time and when my son turned 18. His dad kicked him out because he wanted to stay more with me. Now he is 18 he thinks I can't tell him what to do. It got so bad I had him baker acted. That is involuntary mental hospitalization. He was there for 2 day and now on meds. I'm praying to God. Good luck. I would do strong counseling.

•    Anonymous said… We looked at it as a positive in that at least he was trying to socialize instead of crawling in his own little world

•    Anonymous said… When my aspie daughter has a meltdown, the best way to communicate is through writing down how you feel . I often message my daughter on her phone or tablet, whilst she's upstairs , hiding from the world (she didn't learn to read or write until she was 8 - so I find when she messages me back an amazing feat). It seems easier for her too, to express how she feels without confrontation. The messages always end with 'I love you' x We've sorted many problems out in this way and on some occasions she will come and talk when she's ready x

•    Anonymous said… When our son was in preschool he would often recite lines from television programs in an attempt to communicate with his peers.

Post your comment below…

Tailored Disciplinary Methods for Autistic Children: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents

Disciplining children is a fundamental aspect of parenting, involving a delicate balance of guidance, correction, and nurturing. However, when it comes to children on the autism spectrum, discipline becomes a nuanced challenge that necessitates thoughtful, individualized approaches. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is not a one-size-fits-all diagnosis; instead, it encompasses a wide range of behaviors, cognitive abilities, and emotional responses. 

Thus, caregivers and educators must develop tailored disciplinary methods that respect the unique characteristics and needs of autistic children. This article provides an in-depth exploration of effective strategies for discipline, emphasizes the significance of understanding individual differences, and highlights the critical role of positive reinforcement and structured environments.

### Understanding the Diverse Characteristics of Autism

To create effective disciplinary methods, it is essential to first understand the multifaceted nature of autism. Autistic children may exhibit a variety of behaviors and challenges, including:

1. **Communication Challenges**: Many children with ASD face difficulties in both verbal and non-verbal communication. They may struggle to express their needs or emotions and may not fully understand the intentions of others, making it hard to process feedback or discipline.

2. **Sensory Sensitivities**: Sensory processing issues are common among autistic individuals. Some children may be hypersensitive to stimuli such as bright lights, loud sounds, or certain textures, leading to overwhelming feelings that can manifest as anxiety or meltdowns. Conversely, some may be hyposensitive, displaying a lack of response to sensory inputs.

3. **Repetitive Behaviors and Restricted Interests**: Many autistic children engage in repetitive actions (such as hand-flapping or rocking) or develop intense interests in specific topics. These behaviors often serve as coping mechanisms or as a means to navigate their often chaotic world.

4. **Emotional Regulation Difficulties**: Emotional responses in autistic children can be intense and unpredictable. They may experience anxiety or frustration that can lead to outbursts or withdrawal, highlighting the importance of understanding how to effectively communicate during these moments.

By acknowledging these characteristics, caregivers can tailor disciplinary strategies that offer clear guidance while considering the child's unique experiences.

### The Importance of Individualization in Disciplinary Approaches

A one-size-fits-all disciplinary method rarely yields effective results for any child, especially for those on the autism spectrum. Instead, a customized approach should take into account:

1. **Developmental Level**: Understanding where a child falls on the developmental spectrum is crucial. Some children with autism may exhibit skills typical of younger children, while others may display advanced cognitive abilities. Disciplinary methods should be age-appropriate and mindful of their developmental status.

2. **Identification of Triggers**: Caregivers should actively seek to identify specific triggers that lead to undesirable behaviors. Common triggers include transitions between activities, unfamiliar environments, or sensory overload. Being aware of these factors allows parents to implement proactive measures.

3. **Utilization of Strengths and Interests**: Integrating a child's interests into disciplinary strategies can increase engagement and motivation. For example, if a child is passionate about dinosaurs, incorporating them into learning scenarios can make disciplinary tasks more appealing.

### The Power of Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement is a cornerstone of effective discipline for autistic children. Traditional punitive measures can often be detrimental and may increase anxiety or resistance. Positive reinforcement focuses on:

- **Acknowledgment of Desired Behaviors**: Instead of solely addressing negative behaviors, caregivers should actively recognize and reward positive actions. This could involve verbal praise, tangible rewards (such as stickers or tokens), or privileges like extra playtime.

- **Consistency in Reinforcement**: To effectively reshape and encourage behavior, consistency is key. Caregivers should set clear, achievable expectations and ensure that rewards follow promptly when those expectations are met. Consistency builds trust and understanding in the child.

- **Visual Supports and Schedules**: Autistic children often respond well to visual aids. Visual schedules that outline daily routines can help children understand what is expected of them and when rewards will be given. Utilizing charts or token systems can also help illustrate the connection between behaviors and rewards clearly.

### Creating Structured Environments

A structured, predictable environment significantly contributes to effective discipline. This can involve:

1. **Establishing Routines**: Daily routines provide a sense of stability and predictability, which are particularly beneficial for autistic children. By incorporating structured time for homework, play, and relaxation, caregivers can help reduce anxiety and behavioral issues.

2. **Clear Communication of Expectations**: Expectations should be communicated in straightforward, concrete language. Utilizing visual supports, such as picture schedules or behavior charts, can further clarify the expectations for the child.

3. **Environmental Adjustments**: Modifying the environment to accommodate sensory needs can mitigate behavioral issues. For instance, creating a quiet space equipped with calming tools (like noise-canceling headphones, fidget toys, or weighted blankets) can provide a refuge for children in overwhelming situations.

### Leveraging Social Stories and Role-Playing Techniques

Social stories and role-playing are effective educational tools that can enhance understanding of acceptable behaviors and social interactions:

- **Crafting Personalized Social Stories**: Social stories are narrative tools that describe specific situations, behaviors, and appropriate responses in a clear, relatable manner. Tailoring these stories to include scenarios the child might encounter enables the child to visualize expected behaviors in real-world contexts.

- **Engaging in Role-Playing Exercises**: Role-playing can provide children with opportunities to practice social skills and appropriate responses in a supportive environment. This technique allows them to learn the potential outcomes of different behaviors without real-world consequences.

### Collaborating with Professionals

Few parents navigate the complexities of autism without support. Collaborating with professionals can provide invaluable assistance in tailoring disciplinary methods:

- **Collaborating with Special Educators**: Special education teachers can offer insights tailored to individual learning styles and behavioral challenges. They can assist in developing Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) that include specific behavior goals.

- **Consulting Behavior Analysts**: Certified professionals in Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can provide effective strategies based on observational data and research, utilizing behavioral interventions that are scientifically backed.

- **Working with Therapists and Counselors**: Therapists can introduce therapeutic techniques such as play therapy, art therapy, or cognitive-behavioral approaches to help children learn emotional regulation and coping strategies.


Disciplining autistic children is a journey that requires flexibility, creativity, and a profound understanding of their unique needs. Tailored disciplinary methods centered on positive reinforcement, structured environments, and collaboration with professionals yield the best outcomes. 

The overarching goal should always be to foster a nurturing atmosphere that promotes growth, understanding, and resilience, empowering autistic children to develop pivotal life skills and navigate their environments successfully. By implementing these strategies with empathy and care, caregivers can cultivate a sense of security, trust, and emotional connection, which are essential for the healthy development of children with autism.

 

 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

 

What would be a good punishment for an Aspergers child who ignores the house rules?

 RE: "What would be a good punishment for an Aspergers child who ignores the house rules?"

First of all, let’s think in terms of discipline rather than punishment. Punishment is mostly about parents getting revenge. Discipline, on the other hand, is mostly about mentoring and providing direction.

Moms and dads should consider the following steps when attempting to discipline a youngster with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism:

1. Clearly post rules and consequences. Kids with Aspergers thrive on clear rules, and therefore posting a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences can be immensely helpful. For younger kids who cannot read yet, the rules should be reviewed periodically, and the list could also have visual illustrations to demonstrate the bad behaviors and punishments associated.

2. Come to an agreement on disciplinary techniques. Moms and dads need to be in agreement when applying discipline to any youngster, but especially for kids with Aspergers. If one parent thinks spanking is the appropriate punishment, while the other feels that time-outs will be more effective, this will be confusing for the youngster. Time-outs, loss of privileges such as video games, TV, or weekly allowances, a fair fining structure (as in police ticketing) with a cost associated with each offending behavior or additional chores can all be used effectively.

3. Firmly apply natural consequences. Whenever a bad behavior occurs, natural consequences will result. Sometimes, Moms and dads must apply these consequences when kids are young. For example, if a youngster isn't sharing with another, that other youngster should be asked to leave. This will simulate the most likely scenario that will occur in a playground.

4. Identity concerning behaviors. Moms and dads should list the behaviors that they feel are most deserving of attention. This is an important step because some behaviors may need intervention or therapy in order to be eliminated rather than simple disciplinary tactics. For example, running in circles or humming may be habits that the youngster is using to self-soothe, even though these behaviors might drive Moms and dads crazy. Odd self-soothing behaviors are common in kids on the autism spectrum with sensory processing (integration) issues, and they can be easily replaced with more appropriate ones (such as swinging on a swing or chewing on a healthy snack).

5. Moms and dads need time-outs too. If one parent is home with an Aspergers youngster all day long, that parent may need a break later. Moms and dads should pay attention to one another and give each other time to decompress when necessary. Develop a hand signal or other visual clue that lets the other know when these moments arise.

6. Time-out techniques. Kids with Aspergers tend to enjoy being isolated because it is less stressful for them and they do not have to socialize with others. For these kids, time-outs can actually be a positive experience unless modified slightly. Removing kids from something fun might be a better alternative. For example, if a youngster loves to play with blocks, perhaps the blocks should go in the time-out area. A timer can be used and this will help Moms and dads be more consistent when applying time-outs. Kids prone to destructive tantrums may be placed in a room that contains no breakable items or one that has pillows kids can use to get out their frustrations.

7. Use positive discipline as much as possible. Stickers, tokens and other incentives are effective ways of motivating kids. Also, whenever a problem behavior is identified, early interventions and tactics should be applied. These include replacing unacceptable self-soothing behaviors, relaxation techniques, floor time play therapy, music therapy, auditory therapies which help a youngster focus and listen better, and even improvements in diet.

My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums

Disciplinary & Intervention Guidelines for Parents of High-Functioning Autistic Kids

“My 8 y.o. son has autism (high-functioning) and is constantly disrespectful, talks back, is stubborn. He thinks that we (parents) are 'being mean' to him. We have tried reward charts, try to be encouraging and positive, have taken away computer and TV, removing the thing he is playing with, setting him in a corner, doing extra chores, and NOTHING works. We are just so discouraged because nothing seems to be getting through. We have read dozens of books and seemingly tried everything. Please help. I am going insane!”

Traditional disciplinary techniques often fail to produce the desired results for kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s (AS), mainly because these “special needs” children are unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures are apt to exacerbate the type of behavior the punishment is intended to reduce.

Disciplining young people displaying autism-related behaviors will require an approach that is somewhat unique to that of “typical” children. Finding the balance between understanding the needs of the HFA or AS youngster, and the disciplinary strategy that is age-appropriate and situationally-necessary will be achievable when applying some of the strategies listed below. These strategies can be implemented at home, school, and in other public settings.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


Crucial disciplinary guidelines for parents [and teachers]:

1. A short list of rules – along with a visual depiction of each rule – should become your youngster's property, and depending upon the situation, should be kept in his pocket for ready reference.

2. Active ignoring is a good consequence for misbehavior meant to get your attention. This means not rewarding “bad behavior” with your attention – even if it's negative attention (e.g., scolding or yelling).



3. After disciplining your youngster for doing something wrong, always offer a “substitute behavior” (e.g., if she is hitting you to get your attention, work on replacing that with getting your attention by tapping your shoulder).

4. Before you transition from one activity to another, or approach a situation where behavior may deteriorate, discuss with your youngster what will happen, review the family rules, and remind him of the consequences (both good and bad) of any misbehavior. This information may need to be broken down into a few simple instructions and repeated often.

5. Change (not “lower”) your standards. With an HFA or AS youngster, parents need to learn to live in the present moment. The milestones of your youngster’s life are less defined, and the future less predictable (though your youngster may surprise you). In the meantime, set the standards for your youngster at an appropriate level.

6. Children with HFA and AS tend to enjoy being isolated, because it is less stressful for them and they do not have to socialize with others. Therefore, time-outs can actually be a positive experience unless modified slightly. Removing kids from something fun is a better alternative. For example, if the youngster loves to play games on his iPad, the iPad can go in a time-out area – for a period of 15 minutes at most, otherwise the child will feel as though he has lost the privilege for an eternity and will act-out accordingly.

7. Create a list of behaviors your youngster CAN’T control due to his disorder. The list may include items such as repetitive behaviors, poor peer relations or lack of social skills, being easily distracted, sensory sensitivities, obsessive/compulsive tendencies, meltdowns, etc. These are the behaviors that your child should NEVER be punished for. Your youngster will require help and guidance to overcome these issues.

8. Don’t assume your youngster will automatically transfer and apply information previously learned in one environment to a new situation that, in your mind, is remarkably similar. For kids on the autism spectrum, a new situation is a new situation.

9. Enlist the help of your child in creating a “consequence plan.” For each negative behavior you have identified as inappropriate, the two of you decide on a consequence. Discipline needs to be clear, concise, consistent and calm. When your youngster misbehaves, tell her in a few words what she did wrong, and tell her the consequence (which she agreed to in the planning stage).

10. For kids on the spectrum, it is important that the consequence or reward immediately follow the behavior in order to have the greatest effect and opportunity to teach.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


11. Kids with HFA and AS require more exposure to discipline before they begin to understand expectations. Parents must follow through and apply discipline EVERY time there is an incident in order to effectively send a message. Kids who have trouble learning respond very well to consistent structure and limits. But for this to work, moms and dads must be consistent.

12. Kids on the spectrum thrive on clear rules. Thus, post a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences in a prominent location. For younger kids who can’t read yet, the rules can be reviewed periodically, and the list should have visual illustrations to demonstrate the unacceptable behaviors and consequences associated with them.

13. Look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your youngster to make mistakes for which you can set aside “discipline-teaching” time. It will be a learning process for you and your youngster.

14. Never assume that your HFA or AS child will understand appropriate social behavior under a wide variety of specific circumstances, and when that doesn't occur, discipline in the moment.

15. Prioritize problematic behaviors rather than trying to fight multiple battles at one time. List the top 3 behaviors that you feel are most deserving of attention. This is an important step, because (a) many of the smaller problems will take care of themselves once the bigger issues have been resolved, and (b) some behaviors need an intervention or therapy in order to be eliminated rather than simple disciplinary techniques.

16. Reset your anger buttons. Your autistic youngster will inevitably do some things that will frustrate the hell out of you, but getting angry with him will only worsen things. So, when you catch yourself starting to get angry – YOU take a time-out. If you’re still angry after the time-out – don’t show it! Put on a “poker face.”

17. Social stories, developed to help HFA and AS kids understand difficult situations, are particularly helpful for teaching appropriate behaviors.

18. Through role play, you can provide your youngster with alternatives to problematic behaviors (e.g., hitting, yelling, throwing, etc.).

19. View all problematic behaviors as “signals of needs.” Everything an autistic youngster does tells you something about what she needs.

20. While it is true you have to change your expectations of your HFA or AS youngster, you don’t have to lower your standards of discipline. It’s tempting to get lax and let a “special needs” child get by with behaviors you wouldn’t tolerate in your other kids. Your youngster needs to know, early on, what behaviors you expect. Many moms and dads wait too long to start “behavior training.” It’s much harder to redirect a 170 pound teenager than a 45 pound 3rd grader.

21. Your HFA or AS youngster likely has triggers that can cause her to become distressed, which may result in a meltdown. Watch carefully for these triggers and distract her when you sense an outburst coming on. For instance, if she thrives on a schedule and you need to change it for some reason, let her know carefully and watch for signs of a meltdown during the change.




22. If parenting strategies fall short and do not yield the desired outcomes, then seeking outside assistance from a therapist who specializes in autism spectrum disorders is highly recommended. There are various standard courses of treatment, with each treatment modality addressing a different set of issues. Some of the most common treatment options include:

• Applied Behavioral Analysis is a form of therapy used to teach basic skills in many different areas.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy is used to treat the emotional side of HFA and AS (e.g., anxiety, depression, obsessions, etc.). 
• Occupational therapy is basically used to teach independence. Grasp, handwriting, social skills, and play skills are often included. 
• Sensory integration therapy may be included by the occupational therapist. This therapy helps get your youngster’s sensory systems in synch.
• Physical therapy addresses the physical awkwardness that sometimes comes with HFA and AS. 
• Social skills training is a therapy that teaches kids on the spectrum how to relate to others, making and keeping friends, how to recognize social cues and gestures, and other details such as personal space and understanding slang.
• Speech/language therapy covers speech articulation as well as pragmatics, or fluency. Language therapy covers social communication, and in some cases, social skills. Speech/language therapy will help your youngster learn to communicate verbally or nonverbally, if necessary, with the use of picture exchange and/or sign language. When a child can use words to express his anger and frustration, problematic behaviors are greatly reduced.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


23. In worst case scenarios, behavior problems may need to be addressed (in part) through the use of medication. Some medications that may be prescribed include antidepressants, antipsychotics, and stimulants.

24. There are many alternative approaches to treating symptoms associated with HFA and AS. One such approach is Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM), which is defined as “a group of diverse medical and health care systems, practices, and products that are not presently considered to be part of conventional medicine.” CAM therapies used to treat HFA and AS have been categorized as biological and nonbiological:

• Examples of biological therapies include: (a) immunoregulatory interventions (e.g., dietary restriction of food allergens or administration of immunoglobulin or antiviral agents), (b) gastrointestinal treatments (e.g., digestive enzymes, antifungal agents, probiotics, yeast-free diet, gluten/casein-free diet, vancomycin), (c) dietary supplement regimens that are supposed to act by modulating neurotransmission or through immune factors (e.g., vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin B6 and magnesium, folic acid, folinic acid, vitamin B12, dimethylglycine and trimethylglycine, carnosine, omega-3 fatty acids, inositol, various minerals, etc.), and (d) detoxification therapies (e.g., chelation).
• Examples of nonbiological interventions include treatments such as auditory integration training, behavioral optometry, craniosacral manipulation, dolphin-assisted therapy, equine-assisted therapy, facilitated communication, and music therapy.

HFA and AS children need limits and structure much more than “typical” kids do. When they can predict what will happen next in their day, they feel confident and safe. Of course, they will test the boundaries. But, it's up to parents to affirm that these standards are important – and to let their youngster know that they believe he or she can meet them.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… A couple of things to try. We did this with my son, who had an awful time getting up in the morning. It became a battle every day, just to get him out of bed. 1. Video him and show him what his behavior looks like. He won't like it, and prepare yourself for a meltdown over that in itself. 2. Talk about the video once he's calmed down and talk about the 'other' ways he could have handled the situations. For example, better responses instead of backtalk, a reaction that is different that a tantrum. 3. Take those situations and turn them into role-playing - a way to actually practice what should happen, rather than what is happening. 4. Once you've role-played it, video it again and play it back for him. He will see a positive way that he's changed his behavior. The theory behind this is that you are replacing the negative images and reactions that he 'sees' in his head with the positive ones. It may take a few times to replace the action when the time comes, but if he re-views the positive video, it can help him literally see his behavior in a new way.

•    Anonymous said… Give choices focus on positive ignore negative.

•    Anonymous said… I say, I will. Or speak with you as long as you're talking to me like that. (After over explaining why it's not okay.)

•    Anonymous said… My 5 year old  😞 I'm going to try some of these techniques

•    Anonymous said… My 9 year old is the same way. He needs to become a professional negotiator for a big business someday. He is so good at it, no matter how small they requests from me or his dad. Always an argument, refusal, avoidance or negotiation behaviors happening at our house. It drains my energy.

•    Anonymous said… My son is still young and about to turn six so thank God I have not run into this – yet – I'm coming into this with my eyes wide open now based on all of the other parents experience with their teenagers . However I have been reading and reading for at least a year on every possible autism site I can get my hands on. Although I do not know your son and I do not know what you have tried – I would default to diet and get cannabis with THC. Although there are some kids that the parents have trouble finding the right Balance or strain of cannabis with – I have heard many times more successes been failures with diet, supplements and also cannabis with THC

•    Anonymous said… Positive reinforcement, confidence building, talk therapy (not always in the moment if he's angry). Talk and give some one on one time half an hour a day. Do something they like with them for 30 minutes a day, relationship building / trust building. Let them know what they are doing right. Role play / role model / script conversations that are polite. Make your goal for the month Kindness and reward everytime he is kind. Make a goal (item) he wants to work towards and everytime he's kind, genuinely, give him a reward. I used to also give $10 (big money) whenever I got an unsolicited compliment on my son. I would always share with him what the other person said so he took pride and made sure to "shine that part on" and know "this is where I shine". Good luck, give positive feedback and know that you are supposed to ignore a lot of bad behavior (it's weird to do at first). Pick and chose your battles always and it sounds more like an ADHD problem. My child with Autism also has this Dx. You have to encourage, especially if it "hormonal" time because think of our Hormonal stages and then times that by 10. They feel things more intensely. Physical outlets/sports always. Also, "Downtime" 15 minutes break. 15 minutes work on this. 15 minutes break. 15 minutes get this organized. They frrustrate themselves. Mood boosters help.

•    Anonymous said… Video. Try video. It lets him see another perspective and sometimes is an excellent teaching tool.

•    Anonymous said… We had exactly the same problem with my now 15 year old son, tried literally everything we could think of. Its only now that he is on anxiety meds (Resperidone) that he is almost a different child. I'm not condoning drug use for behaviour but for us it was the best decision we could have made. Perhaps look at the symptoms of ODD as well.

Post your comment below…

Setting Rules for Aspergers Children

Make clear, sensible rules for your Aspergers (high functioning autistic) youngster and enforce them with consistency and appropriate consequences. When you do this, you help your child develop daily habits of self-discipline. Following these rules can help protect your youngster's physical safety and mental well-being, which can lower her risk for substance abuse problems. Some rules, such as "Respect Your Elders," apply to all ages, but many will vary depending on your Aspergers child's age and level of development. This section offers tips on how to establish expectations for your child's behavior and how to respond when she doesn't obey.

Set Rules for Your Aspergers Kids About Alcohol, Tobacco, and Illegal Drugs

Talking to your kids about the dangers of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs is an important step in keeping them safe and healthy. However, many parents neglect to take the next step: making sure that their kids have clear rules about alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drug use. Unless you are clear about your position, kids may be confused and thus tempted to use. Make sure you explain to them that you love them and are making these rules to keep them safe.

Here are some things to keep in mind when making and enforcing rules:

• Be Consistent— Be sure your kids understand that the rules are maintained at all times, and that the rules hold true even at other people's houses. Be sure to enforce the rule every time it is broken. It is important to set a good example; if you have a rule about drunk driving, make sure not to drive when you've been drinking or get in a car with someone who has. Kids notice when their parents say one thing and do another. Another thing to think about, especially around the holidays, is that many of us use alcohol as a "special occasion celebration," perhaps allowing our kids to have a sip of champagne or wine. This may also send mixed messages to your kids, especially if you have a specific rule against drinking.

• Be Reasonable— Don't change the rules in mid-stream or add new consequences without talking to your kids. Avoid unrealistic threats. If you do find that your kids have been experimenting with alcohol, tobacco or illegal drugs, try to react calmly and carry out the consequence you have previously stated.

• Be Specific— Tell your kids the rule and what behavior you expect. For example, you could say, "You are not allowed to smoke cigarettes. Our family doesn't smoke because it's unhealthy," or, "Alcohol is for adults. The law says that you have to be 21 to drink. Our family follows the law." You might also tell your kids that if they are at a party where alcohol or illegal drugs are being used, they can call you for a ride home. Develop consequences for breaking any of the rules. If your kids are old enough, they can help suggest appropriate and reasonable consequences. It may help to write up a list of rules and consequences for breaking each rule.

• Behave Yourself!— "Behave yourself!" "Leave your brother alone." "I thought I told you to clean your room." If you've caught yourself saying these things "a thousand times," you may need to review the rules and expectations you have for your youngster and, more important, how you communicate them. One reason some kids don't do what we want is because we aren't clear enough with our messages. Now is a great time to sit down with your youngster to talk about how you expect her to behave in and outside of your home.

• Recognize Good Behavior— Always let your kids know how happy you are that they respect the rules of the household by praising them. Emphasize the things your kids do right instead of focusing on what's wrong. When parents are quicker to praise than to criticize, kids learn to feel good about themselves, and they develop the self-confidence to trust their own judgment.

The first "rule" for parents of Aspergers children is to be clear. Instead of saying, "Please clean up your room," say "Please make your bed and pick your clothes up off of the floor." You also can try, "Be home by 6:00" instead of "Don't be late." The second rule, especially important with strong-willed kids, is to tell your youngster what will happen if she doesn't comply: "If you don't wear your helmet, you're not riding your bike." Or, to keep things positive, you can try something like, "If you want to ride your bike, I expect you to use your helmet at all times." You get the picture.

What To Do—

Think about a rule that you have a hard time getting your youngster to follow. Consider how you've talked to him about it. The next time your Aspergers child breaks a rule, try applying these four steps:

1. Be specific and direct. For example, instead of saying, "It's bedtime," say "It's 9:00 p.m.; please go upstairs to take your shower."
2. Focus on the behavior. Don't shame or embarrass your youngster into behaving by saying, "When are you going to grow up?" Instead, say, "I want you to stop taking apart your sister's dolls."
3. Tell your Aspergers child what will happen if she breaks the rules. Allow your child to make an informed choice whenever possible. Most important, if she does break the rule, you must follow through with your stated consequence.
4. Use your normal voice. Raising your voice or screaming shows your Aspergers child that you're not in control. Don't sound irritated; speak with a firm voice that matter-of-factly says, "You're going to do XYZ now."

The bottom line is that kids need us to be clear about our rules and expectations, and they need to know that their actions, good and bad, will have consequences. If they choose to break the rules, they choose to deal with the consequences. Even more, if we choose the right words when we talk to our kids, we may find that getting them to follow the rules is much less stressful for everyone!

Praise Your Aspergers Child’s Positive Choices—

Nine-year-old John had trouble following his family’s rules about packing his backpack the night before school. In the morning, John could often be found racing around the house in search of misplaced homework and lost textbooks while his mother scolded him about following the rules. One evening, however, John decided to follow the rules. He packed his backpack and placed it by the front door before he went to bed. The next morning there was no racing around and no scolding from his mother. But, would she say something about the change?

The story above might look like a lesson in raising kids, but it’s really about motivation. What makes John follow the rules? What can his mom do to help him to continue to follow the rules? The answer lies in the brain where reward and punishment mechanisms are at work.

People decide which actions to carry out based on rewards and punishments. A reward is something that you will work for. A punishment is something that you want to avoid. In John’s case, the punishment is his mother’s scolding. He feels frustrated when he can’t find his homework and textbooks. John’s reward is that he feels happy and relieved when he knows where his homework and textbooks are. His reward might also include his mom saying something nice because he followed the rules.

Recognition doesn’t need to be fancy. Catch your Aspergers child “being good” and praise him for it. Take every chance you get to support your child's decision to follow a rule or to meet your expectations. This is called positive reinforcement and helps your youngster develop self-confidence and trust in his own judgment while seeing the benefit of following your rules.

John’s mom could give her son a hug and say, “John, I’m so proud of you for packing your backpack last night. Great job!” It’s a small gesture, but praise from his mom will help motivate John to follow the rules in the future.

Some rules certainly are more serious than packing your backpack the night before school. When it comes to alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs, rules—and the consequences for breaking them—carry higher stakes.

What to Do—

• Let your youngster know why you don’t want her to use drugs: you love her too much to ever want her to get hurt or get into trouble.
• Talk about your youngster’s positive choices and you will motivate her to continue to make good decisions.
• Talk to your youngster about why using tobacco and illegal drugs and underage drinking are unacceptable.
• Talk together about your family values. When a youngster decides whether or not to use alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs, a crucial consideration is, “What will my parents think?”

When Aspergers Kids Break the Rules—

Most parents, as well as teachers and other authority figures, have to deal with young people who break the rules. As kids move from childhood to their teen years, they often push limits, ignore advice, and question authority. You may wonder how to get them to stop, act right, and do as they're told.

Forget it—you can't stop nature. As kids start to grow up, they begin to declare their independence. Don't mistake their strong opinions, personal likes and dislikes, questions, and criticism for rebellion. Take a closer look at their behavior. Consider that they might be trying to develop their own unique grown-up identities. Remember, you want them to become successful adults, thinking and acting for themselves.

But, what about when a youngster breaks the rules on purpose? "I'll show him who's in charge!" may be your first thought when a youngster tests or breaks rules. However, this approach will likely make things worse. Yet, giving in or giving up is just as bad.

So, what to do? Start by looking at your style. What worked when a youngster was younger may begin to fail as she moves toward the teen years. As kids get older, they want to be taken seriously. They want to be heard and to make their own decisions. They don't want to be treated like kids.

When it comes to rules, pre-teens and teens more and more want to know the logic behind them. They may not accept rules unless they agree with them. As a result, they are more likely to rebel when parents simply lay down the law and demand that it be followed. Instead, strike a balance:

• Be a good role model. Teens are more likely to go along with a rule that you follow yourself.
• Be consistent. On-again, off-again rules quickly lose their meaning.
• Be prepared to say no. Not every request is reasonable.
• Be ready for a test. Kids sometimes break rules to see how serious you are.
• Don't retreat. Let kids learn by experiencing the consequences of their actions.
• Don't sweat the small stuff. Some battles aren't worth fighting—save your energy for major issues, like those that affect a youngster's health or safety.
• Have good reasons. Rules mean more when they're based on facts and on principles such as fairness and kindness.
• Put it in writing. Draw up a contract that lays out rules, expectations, and consequences.
• Stay positive. Let kids know that you value them and their successes.
• Talk about limits and expectations. Rules work best when parents allow their teens to have some say in them.

What Is Discipline?

Your 7-year-old refuses to put away her toys. Your 12-year-old isn't turning in his homework on time. Your 13-year-old has come home late for the third time in a row. How would you handle these situations? One of the biggest challenges in raising kids is providing proper discipline. What do you think of when you think of discipline? Is it about punishing a youngster to make her behave? Or is it about teaching proper behavior?

Punishment, which sometimes comes in the form of name calling, isolating a youngster, or using physical force, may give you immediate results, but is often ineffective and too harsh. These actions don't really teach anything about appropriate behavior, and too much punishment can harm a youngster's self-esteem. It can even make her afraid of her parent or guardian. Is this really helping? Does it prevent future misbehavior?

Discipline is about teaching kids appropriate behavior and helping them become independent and responsible people. A key part of growing up is learning how to deal with the results of one's actions.2 Here are some ways to encourage appropriate and responsible behavior:

• Act as a model of the appropriate behavior. If you're about to lose your temper, remember to count to 10 before speaking. This will remind your youngster to do the same and handle conflicts in a calm, rational manner.
• Give positive attention for desired behavior. If your youngster comes home on time, thank him for doing so.
• Help kids express their feelings and communicate. If your youngster is hitting her sister, talk to her to find out where the anger is coming from and discuss other options to release it.
• Help your youngster see that choices have consequences. When your Aspergers child chooses to stay up late to watch television on a school night, the next day she will realize how tired she is.
• Let kids make choices when appropriate. Instead of handing your child a list of chores, take a list, sit down with him, and decide together which chores will be his responsibility.

Using the discipline methods listed above can provide a Aspergers child with several benefits, including good decision-making skills, feelings of self-worth and self-control, and good communication skills. These benefits create a solid foundation for responsible behavior.

Choices and Consequences—

Some Helpful Rules About Consequences:

• Make sure your consequences aren't too harsh. Related to the last two suggestions, it's important that you don't overdo the punishments. For example, don't threaten to ground your youngster for a month for not making his bed or for teasing his siblings. Where do you go from there when and if your Aspergers child does something more serious?

• Make sure your consequences are logical and/or natural. If you keep catching your youngster inline skating without her safety gear, take the skates away for a short time. Or, if she returns late from a friend's house, don't let her go the next time she wants to go. If a situation arises for which you can't think of a logical consequence, take a little time to think about how you can "teach the lesson" without being too harsh. Consider asking your youngster what she thinks would help her stop breaking the rule. A natural consequence can be applied with little effort on your part. For example, if your kids drink all of the soda by Wednesday (and they know it's supposed to last until Saturday), don't buy more until then. Instead, they can drink milk, juice, or water.

• If you don't mean it, don't say it. Sometimes kids can get us so angry that, in the heat of the moment, we state a consequence that we're not going to follow through with, at least not entirely. Make sure you're willing to do what you say. If you won't really ground your youngster for a month, don't say you will. It weakens your effectiveness when you ease up later.

• Follow through. Serious rule or not, you, as a caregiver, must follow through with the consequences you've established for your kids. If your youngster breaks the rules, she must take the consequences. If you don't follow through, you send the message that your rules aren't important and that it's okay to break them.

• Be consistent. "C'mon, just this one time?" Have you ever let your youngster do something you don't normally let him do, with the caveat, "just this one time"? Remember that being consistent reinforces for your Aspergers child the type of behavior you expect. Similarly, if you discipline your youngster one day for talking back but ignore it the next, he learns that sometimes he can get away with being disrespectful. Consistency will determine the success of whatever discipline methods you use. Each time you ask your kids to do something, you also have a job. Be predictable—follow through.

It's normal for kids to test your rules and do their own research to see if you really mean what you say. Following these rules about consequences may keep you from having to discipline your youngster for the same misbehavior over and over again.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook