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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query bullying. Sort by date Show all posts

The Silent Bullying of Children on the Autism Spectrum

"Josh, our 7-year-old son with [high-functioning] autism, has had 5 weeks of school so far. My husband and I have noticed a change (for the worse) in his behavior ever since he started. We suspect he is being bullied by a particular individual, but Josh has not come right out and told us if this is indeed going on. Any advice?"

Young people with ASD level 1, or High Functioning Autism, unfortunately, are at a higher risk of being bullied or teased than other children. This can happen on the playground, in the classroom - and even in your own home.

Because many of these kids have some social and communication difficulties, they often can’t tell grown-ups exactly what is happening. Thus, parents and teachers may have to consider bullying as a cause when certain behaviors occur or worsen in the child.

Here are a few examples:
  • One of the things you’ll notice is an increase in isolation and a decreased tolerance in being around peers. The ASD child may throw temper tantrums or flatly refuse to acknowledge other children, even those that he or she is normally comfortable around.
  • Enuresis or encopresis may be a side effect of being bullied.
  • A youngster who has been potty-trained completely may go back to soiling as a way of handling the stress of being bullied or teased elsewhere.

Very rarely will the autistic child tell parents or teachers directly about the bullying. Instead, the adults will find that the child has regressed with behaviors and skills that he or she has already accomplished. Instead of believing this to be an “off day” or an “off week,” parents and teachers need to consider that bullying or teasing is happening.

If bullying is happening in your own home, it requires that you remain aware of what is going on in your household and stopping the behavior before things get too serious.

If you suspect it is happening at school, then consider observing what is going on in the classroom or talk to the teacher about your suspicions. Hopefully, the teacher will be your son’s advocate in the classroom - and you can expect that the teacher will be able to intervene in any bullying that might be happening.

Bullying, unfortunately, is a risk that parents of children on the spectrum must always consider. Keeping a sharp eye out on changes in your son’s behavior and advocating for him when necessary should help him thrive in an otherwise complicated environment with peers who simply don’t understand his issues.





COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Can you or another trusted adult spend any time observing? Some kids are being bullied and wouldn't know how to cope or even exactly how to describe what is happening in order to get help. There are so many steps - knowing what is happening, knowing how to talk about it, knowing how to ask for help, feeling safe from retaliation....

•    Anonymous said... Just keep a really close eye. This happened to my son and we saw no signs until he was at his breaking point. Needless to say there is no more public school for us. Kids are cruel and teachers often don't have the resources to be everywhere at once.

•    Anonymous said... My daughter has had this problem and I'm sure will continue. She would not tell us anything about it, she actually pretended to enjoy going to the place that this was happening. We only found out about it from another little girl and even then my daughter pretended that she was trying to help someone else that was being picked on and the boys turned it in her. Almost like she was herself two different people! She still does not tell us anything about what happens at school and I try to pull a another child to the side to ask how she is doing in school! My daughter, I believe, is embarrassed and ashamed by it. I would suggest making sure he knows its not him and he needs to tell, a nice call to the school and the bullying child's parents also!

•    Anonymous said... Whenever I would talk to teachers about my son coming home bruised, ketchup smeared or mere reluctant to go back to school the next day, there never was an explanation. Nobody ever saw him being bullied. Sometimes my son would say something out of the blue two weeks later. Public school is no longer an option for him, if I want to see him get through School. We have finally decided to homeschool him. Once he found out that he is not going back there, all that anxiety is gone. He stopped biting his nails and he is now a jolly happy 7 year old contently riding his bike or playing lego, humming and singing all the way! I do realize that he is still a target in the neighborhood. I try to keep a close eye on him and talk to him about behaviour that provokes kids to mistreat him. Hopefully it works.

•    Anonymous said... I would start talking about bullying in a neutral way. That might encourage him to open up.

•    Anonymous said... Then I would speak to the school....

•    Anonymous said... It is tricky to ask the right question since the HFA/Aspergers child has a tendency to be so literal.

•    Anonymous said... We had quite the "experiences" throughout my son's school years and we didn't see "eye to eye" with all the staff BUT there was never a time where I ever felt uncomfortable with expressing my concerns to the staff and asking them to keep an extra close eye out during our most difficult times (when we felt bulllying was taking place). Always utilize your resources. The staff is there to help be your eyes and ears when you aren't able to be around. All you have to do is ask for the help. Good luck!

•    Anonymous said... our son has this prob this year he graduated 5 grade & will be going to middle school he used to love school weve done all talking w/teacher/principle/case worker butt still i fear the worst is yet to come if u find a better way let me know ty

•    Anonymous said... I dont think all kids with Aspergers always know when they are being teased. My sons school is awesome. They even noted on his IEP that they need to be more aware of teasing and bullying against him. Because he may not always recognize it.

•    Jenny said... Our son had rocks thrown at him by a neighbor kid. Yet he still considered them his friend. I had to explain to him what true friends were and how they should treat you I'd they we're truly your friend. He was sad about it, but it did help him understand why they couldn't come over.

•    Anonymous said... Tricky maybe, example..'I read this article today about bullying in school, how does bullying make you feel Johnny?'. Depending, of course, on the child, you have to figure out what they can relate to. Everyone is different and beautiful! :)

•    Anonymous said... Many times they will not come out and tell you this is happening. It's like pulling sharks teeth just to get my son to tell us what he did at school that day. You're going to need to talk to his teacher.

•    Anonymous said... I heard so and so was doing mean things to someone, can you help me understand what is happening at school. what have you seen xyz do or say?

•    Anonymous said... My Son has major challenges at camps over Summer/Winter breaks with behavior. Alas, it's due to anxiety and lack of daily routine and structure. Consider those issues as well. Good luck.

•    Anonymous said... As long as the team there doesn't look after it, you shouldn't let a 7-year-old child stay there. (Regardsless of AS or not. Kids can be severly mean.) Your son cannot handle it alone and may be injured, either physical or psychical. 

Post your comment below…
By

High-Functioning Autistic Students and Problems in Physical Education Classes

"My child (with HFA) struggles in PE class... he's clumsy... gets teased as a result... and the teacher doesn't intervene to try to stop the teasing. SO then my son takes matters in his own hands and starts acting out towards the kids who are teasing. Then he's the one that gets in trouble. It's a bad cycle.  Any suggestions? Would there be any helpful advice I could give his teacher so he'll understand my child's challenges?"

Including kids with High Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s in gym classes is not an uncommon occurrence. More and more, kids with “special needs” have gym alongside typically developing kids. Most physical education (PE) instructors teach young people on the autism spectrum although they have little knowledge about the disorder and how PE classes affect those who have it.

Successfully educating kids with HFA involves a deeper understanding of the disorder and how it directly affects the students’ ability to participate fully. When developing instructional programs for kids on the autism spectrum in gym class, educators should examine (a) emotional and behavioral characteristics, (b) academic and cognitive functioning, (c) physical and gross motor development, and (d) social deficits in relation to peer interactions. Rooted within these areas may be such issues as language and speech delays, social skills deficits, and teasing/bullying issues.



Children with HFA demonstrate a wide variety of behavioral characteristics. In educational settings, they often experience anxiety, depression, aggression, and hyperactivity because of frustration during the learning process. They also display a limited number of interests, which can lead to a strong preoccupation with “sameness.” This sameness can cause a predisposition to obsessive routines, repetitive rituals, and difficulty when transitioning.

Parents and teachers often notice the predisposition to sameness in behavior rigidity, since this rigidity affects both the thoughts and behavior of HFA children. Novel situations often produce anxiety for these kids. They may be uncomfortable with change in general, which can result in behavior that may be viewed as defiant and can lead to “meltdowns.”

One main area of concern for kids with HFA is socially inappropriate behavior stemming from lack of social understanding, which can range from simply annoying to highly disruptive behaviors. Unfortunately, most young people on the autism spectrum have difficulty communicating their emotional state or understanding the emotional states of others. This inability further exacerbates socially inappropriate behaviors.

On an emotional level, students with HFA have difficulty accepting that they make mistakes and become easily stressed because of their inflexibility. They also tend to have lower self-esteem than their same-aged peers. Such vulnerabilities may lead them to become targets for bullying and teasing.

PE teachers should actively participate in programs for preventing bullying and should employ various strategies within the gym setting. However, to be effective, ALL educators should employ the same strategies across all academic settings. Also, the PE teacher should work closely with other members of the Individualized Education Program (IEP) team to achieve this goal. Through effective collaboration, all educators can be consistent with the goals related to preventing bullying and the strategies necessary to achieve those goals.

Strategies that PE teachers can use to prevent bullying during gym class include:
  • being consistent in handling situations in which bullying takes place
  • being proactive
  • focusing on the needs of students with “special needs”
  • modeling appropriate behavior
  • talking with students about bullying
  • telling students to report situations

Another identified area of concern is called a “meltdown.” Meltdowns are most frequently related to frustration, being thwarted, sensory sensitivities, and difficulties in compliance when a particularly rigid response pattern has been challenged or interrupted. Educators frequently overlook the underlying antecedent when they address the meltdown. When the youngster does engage in a specific behavior problem, he may be experiencing feelings of stress and a lack of control. In addition, the youngster may exhibit a high incidence of attention problems. Many children on the spectrum have difficulty determining those elements in their environments to which they should attend, so they attend to the wrong things. In some cases, they may even receive a diagnosis of ADHD as a coexisting condition.



Physical and Gross Motor Development—

Many kids with HFA do not possess highly athletic motor skills. Researchers are more and more recognizing that motor functioning is a deficit area for kids on the autism spectrum. These young people typically have low fitness and low activity levels as compared to their “typical” peers. This problem occurs because of the high incidence of children with developmental disorders who have a sedentary lifestyle.

HFA teens are significantly less active than typically developing teens, and few engage in extracurricular activities. Clearly, promoting physical activity in this population is of high importance; however, because of the challenges that these children face, encouraging them to be physically active at acceptable levels may be difficult. Specifically, motor skill deficits may hinder successful participation in gym classes if educators do not address these deficits through effective intervention plans.

Kids with HFA generally have difficulty with tasks requiring balance and coordination, and they often display a generalized muscular weakness (called “hypertonia”), which affects posture, movement, strength, and coordination. They may have difficulty judging distance, height, and depth, or may engage in self-stimulatory behaviors. They may also have problems with manual dexterity, and have impaired dynamic balance, or an inability to perform rapid, alternating movements. An inability to alternate hand and limb movements can directly affect an HFA student's ability to fully participate in physical activities that involve such skills.

Another common impairment for children with HFA is developmental coordination disorder (DCC). DCC often coexists with autism. It appears to be a problem involving the process of motor planning. Common deficits that kids with this disorder experience include clumsiness, abnormal gait, and fine-motor skill deficits. Behaviors attributable to these deficits include difficulty riding a bike, playing ball games, throwing, catching, and kicking. Not only do these physical challenges lead to problems participating in gym class, but they can also lead to social integration problems in teenagers with HFA.

Yet another issue for children on the autism spectrum is the coexistence of sensory integration disorder. These young people often have heightened sensitivity to touch, tastes, smells, sounds, and sights. Avoidance of touch, pressure, warmth, and other contributing factors can foster avoidance in participating in specific games or activities. Oversensitivity to sound can also affect routines and procedures, especially in situations in which a coach or PE teacher uses a whistle or bell. PE teachers should be sensitive to the HFA student's sensory needs, and should modify or adapt group-designed activities (e.g., by using verbal signals instead of using a whistle).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

PE teachers can use the following strategies in the gym setting to reduce high levels of frustration in students with HFA:

1. Use simplistic and literal rules for HFA kids to understand and follow.

2. Reinforce appropriate social interactions and skill performance with a consistent behavior management system, which can include internal and external reinforcers. PE teachers should reinforce appropriate social interactions, as well as reinforcing the HFA student for meeting classroom expectations.

3. The PE teacher should keep his/her interactions with the youngster predictable (e.g., plan the same warm-up procedures every day, and give the youngster advance notice about activities planned for that day). "Insistence on sameness” can be helped through providing a predictable environment, avoiding surprises, and telling the “special needs” student about changes as soon as possible.

4. Provide exercise and activities on the basis of individual interests. Building on the interests of the HFA student can serve as a motivator and bring meaning to the activity.

5. Provide a visual schedule. Kids on the spectrum benefit from using a visual schedule, because it serves as a cue to them about upcoming activities.

6. One way to deescalate frustration is to allow the HFA youngster to use a quiet or “private area” so that she can compose herself or think through an activity. In the gym, PE teachers have limited spaces that provide reduced noise levels or are less stimulating. However, the perimeter of the gym is more desirable than the center. If a youngster needs to regain control of her behavior, and the distractions within the gymnasium are hindering her ability to do so, the teacher can consider placing a beanbag chair just inside the office. Regardless of the designated area, the student should always be within the view of the teacher.

7. The most difficult time during gym class is unstructured time. If unstructured time exists, provide more structure by directing the HFA student to work in his own areas of interest. Simply instructing him in activities that reinforce his areas of interest encourages and motivates him to be more active.

8. Establish clear rules and consequences. The use of clear rules and consequences helps provide a more predictable environment.

9. The PE teacher can use effective data collection to monitor the behavioral progress of the youngster. The information obtained through effective data collection is a valuable tool in developing IEP objectives and determining specific skill deficits.

10. Collaborate with the HFA youngster's other teachers. Collaboration allows the PE teacher to be consistent in the way that he/she interacts with and instructs the youngster. The PE teacher can then adopt the same type of behavior management system for the youngster that other teachers are using throughout the youngster's day.

11. Provide opportunities for the HFA student to acquire skills through multiple means (e.g., when working with the youngster to promote better awareness of vestibular input and balancing skills, ask her to use a variety of equipment that incorporates movement such as swings, slides, balance beams, and rockers).

12. Use sensory stimulation to decrease self-stimulation and to help the HFA student remain attentive to the task presented.

13. Use repetition and re-teaching. Kids with HFA are frequently unaware that their skill levels are not equal to those of their peers, or that they perform a task incorrectly. In this case, the student may continue using the same movements, thus not reaching the appropriate level of the skill. Teaching a new skill may require many attempts and considerable practice. The youngster may also need a considerable amount of re-teaching of skills.

14. When teaching skills that include several component parts, break the parts up and have the HFA student practice them separately. The PE teacher should demonstrate skills in this manner (e.g., a backward chain of “part practice” when teaching a youngster the skills involved in bowling would be to first teach him how to swing his arm with the bowling ball in hand before asking the youngster to attempt the approach used in performing the overall skill). Once the youngster masters the first skill (e.g., the swing), then he can begin to practice the approach without using the bowling ball. After the youngster has addressed both skills, he can combine the skills and execute bowling in its entirety.

15. To have a successful gross motor plan, the HFA youngster needs to have (a) a mental picture of what needs to occur, (b) clear vestibular and proprioceptive feedback regarding movement, and (c) the ability to make automatic, reflexive adjustments to moving in time and space. In addressing gross motor planning, the PE teacher may need to help the youngster set specific personal goals. Although the child’s goals may differ from those of her peers, the goals should be clear, realistic, and attainable.

16. Try to provide alternative activities (as indicated on the IEP). The physical demands of many activities taught in gym classes involve physical interactions among classmates (e.g., hand holding, spotting for gymnastics, leaning against one another, etc.). Kids with HFA may exhibit hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity during this time. Accommodations may be necessary, and the youngster may need an alternative activity if the degree of sensitivity is greatly affecting his ability to participate.

17. When possible, limit competitive and team sports. Team sports demand an ability to quickly understand, process and respond to social cues under the pressure of competition. Expecting an HFA student to function - or be accepted by peers - in this setting is unrealistic.

18. Utilize individual fitness activities. The tendency for kids on the spectrum to do well with repetitive activities can be an opportunity to teach individual fitness activities (e.g., bicycling). Researchers have found that these young people prefer such activities as running, cycling, and rowing.

19. Most PE teachers select activities geared toward team sports. They should use caution when determining placement on a team. The teacher himself/herself should assign teams instead of using peer-selection.

20. Assess developmental readiness in the student with HFA. When determining the sequence for introducing skills, the PE teacher should examine previously mastered developmental skills and determine new skills by using a sequential manner and rate that is predictable.

21. Break skills into smaller component parts, thus helping the student with HFA to focus his motor planning in relation to the part rather than to the whole. Sequentially linking (or chaining) the component parts can then help the youngster acquire proficiency in performing the required skill.

The gym setting often includes a greater number of kids than the typical number in the general academic setting. This increased number of kids may result in higher than average noise levels. Modifying the physical environment can reduce the onset of a behavioral outburst in a youngster with HFA.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
 
The following are examples of ways to modify the environment:

1. Use nonverbal visual cues to accompany auditory messages. These cues can help the HFA student to refocus attention to the task.

2. Simplify the task. If the “special needs” student is misbehaving while attempting a task, he may be frustrated. Simplifying the task may help the student to succeed – and simultaneously reduce inappropriate behaviors. Performing a task analysis on the specific skill can enable the PE teacher to break the larger task into smaller components that he/she can teach independently, yet in sequence.

3. Reduce excessive noise when possible. Use “nonverbal signals" (e.g., colored light systems, hand signals, pictorial cues) to reinforce appropriate noise levels, including the intensity and pitch of vocalizations. In addition, minimize background noises and fluorescent lighting, because many students on the spectrum have heightened sensitivities to these elements.

4. PE teachers can organize the physical structure of the classroom to decrease anxiety levels (e.g., clearly label materials and the location of the activities, which helps ensure that the structures within this environment are consistent).

5. Maintain routines as much as possible. Routines should include "sameness" in activities, including using the same equipment and the same class organization.

6. Try to limit visual distractions. Reducing the number of visual distractions helps the student to maintain focus on the delivery of instruction.

7. Lastly, always encourage and reward progress and achievement by using verbal praise.

There's a lot for kids on the autism spectrum to worry about while at school, and gym class is usually at the top of the list. Gym class can be very different in middle and high school than it is in elementary school, and because autistic kids are often so self-conscious, gym class is often the most feared part of the day. If a youngster is dreading gym, there's plenty teachers and parents can do to help. The ideas listed above will help prepare him or her for all the challenges that gym class can bring.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

Bullying: How Parents Can Take Legal Action To Get It Stopped

Question

I have an 8-year-old Asperger son. How do you handle when he is bullied and the school administration seems to give you the brush off. My son act-outs when he is under stress or in an unstructured situation. In all of those instances, he gets the detentions. When I call in about his being bullied, nothing is done, or the bully gets spoken to in their classroom, as a sort of blanket discussion. How do I handle this?

Answer

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack (e.g., teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, stealing, etc.), or something more subtle (e.g., malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, intentional exclusion, etc.). Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Unfortunately, many parents have attempted to reconcile such victimization by going to school officials and requesting that something be done – only to be told that either (a) the bullying is not, in fact, occurring at all, or (b) the school is - or will - address the issue.

As one Aspergers student stated:

“I AM such a child with Asperger's Syndrome. Bullying hurts so badly. In my first secondary school, I was being discriminated by the teachers, especially the Head of Year. Whenever I was being bullied, they turned a blind eye, whereas when I fought back, I was suspended and the bullies weren't even punished. I do not want to see the hallway where I took those internal suspensions. I later quit that school. Just because we are "disabled", as the government puts it, does NOT mean we are brain-dead and do not have feelings. We actually feel feelings more deeply than most people, only we cannot describe them properly. More than 3 times, I have contemplated suicide because I have been bullied and cannot express my feelings. If someone bullies someone else into suicide, is that not murder? How many more times must we, the "disabled" community, be tortured to the end of our tether before people FINALLY understand that we are still people?”

Often times, after months or years of getting no results from school officials, many parents of Aspergers (high-functioning autistic) students have to either (a) move their child to a different school, or (b) quit work and stay at home in order to home-school their child.

So, what can parents do who are at their wits-end in trying to get bullying stopped – once and for all?!  Here’s how to take the bully by the horns and get school officials to take you seriously:

1. Document all aspects of the bullying incidents involving your Aspergers youngster. Keep meticulous notes and records, just as if you are the attorney representing your youngster. Ask your Aspie to do the same. If you want to make it a fun exercise, grab a long-handled spoon and pronounce on your Aspie, "I now dub you a special junior attorney." Advocate for – and empower – your Aspergers child. Who knows, he may even become an attorney some day, or find a profession that utilizes such skills.

2. Conduct an interview with your Aspergers youngster, and then write down a summary of the bullying incidents in bullet point fashion.

3. If there were witnesses to any of the bullying incidents, get their statements – and signatures on those statements (do this in front of a grown-up if the witnesses are minors). Do not forget to add dates, names, times, and all the “who, what, when, where and why” information you can find.

4. Write down any comments made by teachers or other school officials. These written notes may not seem like much at the time, but later, they may be a deciding point for justice in your Aspie’s favor. In addition, these records may aid in procedural changes that could dramatically reduce bullying in your school.

5. The parent must prove that the school district actually knew about the bullying offenses, but refused to take action to correct it. So, be sure to notify your child’s school district. The first element that must be satisfied to win a peer-harassment complaint is to give the school district "actual notice" of the incidents. Address the notification to a specific person and date the letter. The letter should be sent via certified mail, UPS or Fed Ex to the District Superintendent with courtesy copies (CC) to your child’s teacher(s) and principal.

6. In the notification, request an Acknowledgement Letter to Confirm Receipt of Notification. An acknowledgement letter is written to confirm receipt of documents in the office this notification is used in official purposes. The authority in the office where you have submitted your notification writes this letter to let you know that the notification has reached the right place. The letter should convey that your notification has been received and how much time will be required to complete the formalities involved.

7. Be sure to write the letter to a person who has the authority to investigate - and the authority to correct - the wrong.


8. State the past - or continuing - discriminatory activity against your youngster. If you have not been documenting the history of the bullying incidents, now is a good time to start.

9. State that the school district has control over both the physical site of the discrimination and over any school personnel involved. You may want to give examples of changes the district has recently made to the school facilities, curriculum or schedule – all of which demonstrate control.

10. Explain that the discrimination was not a single act – but was severe and pervasive.

11. Tell how the discrimination excluded your Aspergers youngster from participation in certain school activities, or denied his/her benefits to which other students enjoyed. One of the elements you must prove to prevail on a peer-harassment claim is that the harassment was "so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive that it can be said to deprive the victims of access to the educational opportunities or benefits provided by the school."

12. Explain what you would like the school to do. Suggest what the school may do to stop the discrimination or to fix the harm the discrimination has done to your youngster.

13. Ask for a copy of a school district grievance procedure under Section 504 (even if your youngster has an IEP under IDEA). Not having this information may result in continued discrimination.

14. State that you expect investigation and/or effective corrective action. Should the individual receiving the letter fail to investigate, or does not take effective corrective action, you may claim that the district showed deliberate indifference to the discrimination.

15. Add a date that you expect to hear back from the district in regards to your notification.

16. Lastly, you may wish to include the following "Note to School Officials" along with your notification letter (copy and paste into a Word document, then print-out and add as an attachment):

Note to School Officials—

The school district is a recipient of federal financial assistance. Public schools depend on the continued flow of federal funds. This depends, in part, on their compliance with Federal Laws.

Harassing conduct may take many forms, including verbal acts and name‐calling, graphic and written statements (which may include use of cell phones or the Internet), or other conduct that may be physically threatening, harmful, or humiliating. Harassment does not have to include (a) intent to harm, (b) be directed at a specific target, or (c) involve repeated incidents. Harassment creates a hostile environment when the conduct is sufficiently severe, pervasive, or persistent so as to interfere with or limit a student’s ability to participate in or benefit from the services, activities, or opportunities offered by a school. When such harassment is based on race, color, national origin, sex, or disability, it violates the civil rights laws that OCR enforces.

A school is responsible for addressing harassment incidents about which it knows or reasonably should have known. In some situations, harassment may be in plain sight, widespread, or well‐known to students and staff, such as harassment occurring in hallways, during academic or physical education classes, during extra-curricular activities, at recess, on a school bus, or through graffiti in public areas. In these cases, the obvious signs of the harassment are sufficient to put the school on notice.

In other situations, the school may become aware of misconduct, triggering an investigation that could lead to the discovery of additional incidents that, taken together, may constitute a hostile environment. In all cases, schools should have well‐publicized policies prohibiting harassment and procedures for reporting and resolving 10complaints that will alert the school to incidents of harassment.

When responding to harassment, a school must take immediate and appropriate action to investigate or otherwise determine what occurred. The specific steps in a school’s investigation will vary depending upon:
  • the age of the student(s) involved
  • the nature of the allegation
  • the size and administrative structure of the school
  • the source of the complaint
  • and other factors

In all cases, however, the inquiry should be prompt, thorough, and impartial.

If an investigation reveals that discriminatory harassment has occurred, a school must take prompt and effective steps reasonably calculated to end the harassment, eliminate any hostile environment and its effects, and prevent the harassment from recurring. These duties are a school’s responsibility even if the misconduct also is covered by an anti‐bullying policy, and regardless of whether a student has complained, asked the school to take action, or identified the harassment as a form of discrimination.



COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... We are having trouble in this area too!my son is only just being diagnosed aspergers at 12!he finds it impossible to walk away which also causes trouble!!he is suffering badly with anxiety and is feeling very sad and alone as he says he is uncool to be seen with even by kids who quiet like him.so sad.
•    Anonymous said... I only just realised this was happening to my aspie son (aged 12). He's in year 7 at a new school with no friends. He was being stirred by 3 boys from his class. I spoke to his school & they were fantastic in speaking to the other boys & i'm hoping thats the end of it. My only mistake was approaching one of the mothers i knew of those boys, these children are ignorant because their parents are ignorant. She told me "she felt sorry for her child because he was forced to sit next to & be friend my son". Unfortunately we have no control as to the lack of understanding & compassion with these people, what we can do is help, support & do our best to teach our kids the social cues they just dont get. My advise work with the schools, the only person our kids have got to fight their battles is us & they deserve it. They deserve to be happy.
•    Anonymous said... I had trouble with this because my Aspergers child didn't like anyone around him, had behavior problems, and we dealt with a lot of anger with him because he was so easily frustrated. We found out when he was 5 and now is 13. He still has a hard time making friends but has been called the bully and Has been bullied and had to go on an anti depressant because of how sad he was feeling. It can be difficult. Just Advocate for your child and don't let them push you around.

Please post your comment below... 
By

Teaching Your Child on the Autism Spectrum How to Identify When He's the Victim of Bullying

Question

I have an 11 year old boy diagnosed with high functioning autism. He started middle school and we're having a very difficult time. Academically he is starting to settle in and is in advanced classes with a B average. However, he is having behavior issues particularly in settings like lunch time, PE, etc. He is being bullied but nothing is being done. The school says they don't see any bullying. Last week the PE teacher left the class to "free play" allowing my son to use metal pole to hit a tennis ball. A large boy (150lbs, my son weighs 60) hit my son in the face with a dodge ball knocking his glasses off (this same child has continuously teased and taunted by son all year), my son ran after him (of course rod still in hand) and there the story gets murky depending on who you talk to - the teacher was still no where around. My son had a skinned up elbow and bruising, apparently so did the other child - not confirmed. The teacher admitted he saw my child with the pole but didn't intervene. Now the school is trying to kick my son out. We have an IEP that might help but this is charter school (still state funded). Anyone with any suggestions?


Answer

A number of moms & dads have discovered that their kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's (AS) are being bullied, and that a lot of the time this is leading to different types of "exclusion" for their youngster. So, as well as the trauma and upset of being bullied - the chances are that the youngster is facing sanctions at the school as well.

Bullying is an bad problem with any youngster, but the needs of a youngster on the autistic spectrum make this even worse. The lack of understanding of social cues, difficulties in communicating the problems to others, interests and hobbies that often seem a little "goofy" and make the youngster an easy "target" - to name but a few.

As we all know, the multi-sensory and often very hectic nature of schools can be difficult enough for kids on the autism spectrum - so they can really do without having to contend with the extra "attention" of playground bullies.

Obviously, it is important to ensure that your youngster has some kind of feedback loop to a trusted person so that any signs of bullying can be picked up. Whether this is verbal, through some kind of symbol or PECS board, or more creative like "puppet talk" for youngsters, it needs to be crystal clear for the youngster what is and what isn't acceptable - and then what they should do about it.

This is easier for things like physical bullying - as the more subtle types of verbal bullying can be more difficult to explain. But generally your youngster's behaviors will be a key to something being not right, and then you have the [often difficult ] task of working out what is happening from there.

If you do have the ear of your youngster's teacher, it is worth raising this issue with them and finding out what mechanisms they have in place for your youngster to communicate if they are being bullied. There is a useful "bullying worksheet" [see below] that you can use to look at the issues around bullying with your youngster.

Bullying is sadly something that all moms & dads with a "special needs" child need to think about. This involves looking at different ways in which you can monitor him/her to check if something is going on so that you can take action.

Often times, the child with HFA or AS does not even know that he's the victim of bullying. He may simply assume that's how kids treat other kids. Thus, be sure to educate your child on this subject. Start by sharing the following worksheet with him or her:


BULLYING WORKSHEET—

Here is a list of some of the ways other kids might act around you. Read each act. Is the child being a friend or not? Or are you just not sure? Remember, a friend would be kind to you. If the other child is being mean to you, they are not being a friend, no matter what they say.

A kid in your class at school:

• Asks to sit next to you at lunch, but then hides your lunch when your back is turned and won’t give it back when you tell him the joke is over.

• Asks you to take your clothes off so he can see you naked and says “if you were a real friend, you’d be willing to do what I ask. It’s no big deal.”

• Let’s you be part of his circle of friends as long as you do his homework for him every day, even when you’re tired, because “you’re so much better at it than I am,” while he sits around chatting with his friends.

• Says “hey, let’s be friends,” and begins to play with you, but every time his buddies come around, he acts like he doesn’t know you and says things to make the other kids laugh at you.

• Says “that’s my seat” at lunch and tells you to get out of it, when no one has assigned seats at lunch.

• Says he’ll be your friend for a dollar.

• Says he’s thirsty and asks you to buy him a soda from the store. When you buy it, he says “thanks, you’re a real friend. Tomorrow I’ll buy the sodas.” And tomorrow he buys you one.

• Says he’s thirsty and asks you to steal a soda for him from the store to help him out. When you steal it, he says “thanks, you’re a real friend.” He keeps hanging out with you, but asks you to steal things here and there, from time to time, for him.

• Says he’s your friend, plays with you, and then asks to borrow a dollar, promising to pay it back tomorrow (and he does pay it back).

• Says you can only be in my club if you pick up all these sticks alone while the rest of us watch you. When you do it, he and the other club members sit around telling you what to do and laugh at you. They said the sticks were for a fort, but no fort is ever built.

• Says you can only be in my club if you pick up all these sticks with me, so we can build a fort together. He then joins you picking up the sticks, and builds a fort with you.

• Says you can’t be in the club because it’s for teenagers and you’re only 9.

• Says you can’t be in the club because your name is Michael.

NOTE: If the other kid does any of these things listed above - he is NOT being a friend. He or she will have to earn your trust back before you should trust him/her again.


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  COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Been there.... Done that.... As a parent of as child on the spectrum and a special education worker I totally get this. Lunch and PE are non structured times and two of the hardest times for even typical kids. If you feel the school isn't listening to your concerns I recommend getting an advocate. You can even find them for free. Watch the schools tune change.
•    Anonymous said… I moved my son to a school that listens to children. Made an incredible amount of difference.
•    Anonymous said… I'd be inclined to switch schools
•    Anonymous said… I'd go and observe for yourself. Volunteer in the lunch line or recycling duty..or whatever gets you a glimpse into his day. Then go to principal w concerns. Hopefully the district has a peer buddies program in place or something similar.
•    Anonymous said… Is there a possibility of going to a computer room or supervised play area for that time. My son does this as well as the library and he no longer gets bullied.
•    Anonymous said… It's really a bigger effort for autistic/aspergers children that needs to be addressed with the teaching universities. I took E C-4(which is up to 4th) and had to stop before I could start my internships due to my now 10 year old aspergers daughter's b...See More
•    Anonymous said… Problem still doesn't go away.....is a big change which can be stressful in itself.
•    Anonymous said… Same here in UK. But my son's new school go above and beyond and train staff in all different areas to learn more about additional needs, so moving for him was a great idea.
•    Anonymous said… Unless ur a special ed teacher. Of course all districts are different. Some are great. Just hard to find them.
*   Ken said... I SO hear you! This is exactly what happened with my son. We ended up putting him in online school so he could study without being bullied. He recently graduated and has gone on to college now. I hope you find what works for your boy.


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By

Social Skills Deficits, Bullying, and the Onset of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in Kids on the Spectrum

“I’ve been reading that students who lack social skills are often bullied, and that this can lead to PTSD in some cases. Is it possible that things could deteriorate to this level? I’m worried that my HFA son may be traumatized in this way when [if] he returns to school after Christmas break.”

The short answer is yes. Research reveals a high incidence of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms among young people who have been bullied. One study of 963 teenagers (aged 14 and 15) found symptoms of the disorder in about 33% of the teens who said they were victims of bullying. The study measured the extent of “avoidance behavior” and “intrusive memories” (2 of 3 defined PTSD symptoms).

Asperger’s (AS), also referred to as High-Functioning Autism (HFA), is first and foremost a social disorder. These young people are not only socially isolated much of the time, but also display an abnormal type of social interaction that can’t be explained by other factors (e.g., shyness, short attention span, aggressive behavior, etc.).

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

As compared to children with Autism, children with AS and HFA are notable for their lack of motivation to interact with others. However, their social difficulties often result from a lack of knowledge and skill in initiating and responding in various situations (e.g., the child may appear “weird” due to his insistence on sharing with peers an obsessive interest in dinosaurs, despite their rather obvious lack of interest in the topic).

The social problems of kids on the autism spectrum range from “social withdrawal and detachment” to “unskillful social activeness.” Nonetheless, even within this wide range, these young people can be socially stiff, emotionally blunted, socially awkward, inflexible, and can have difficulty in understanding nonverbal social cues.



Most children with AS and HFA are able to grasp the meaning of facial expressions, as well as match events with facial expression. But, problems occur when they have to deal with the simultaneous presentation of facial, body, voice, and situational cues. As a result, even when they actively try to seek out others, they encounter social isolation because of their lack of understanding of the rules of social behavior (e.g., eye contact, proximity to others, gestures, posture, etc.).

Kids on the autism spectrum are able to engage in basic social interactions (e.g., greetings), but have difficulty being able to engage in extended interactions or reciprocal conversations. Parents often describe their AS or HFA child as lacking an awareness of social standards and protocol, lacking common sense, displaying a variety of socially unaccepted habits and behaviors, and tending to misinterpret subtle social prompts and unspoken messages.

These young people also typically display emotional vulnerability and anxiety (e.g., they may become upset if they think others are invading their space or when they are in an unpredictable or novel social situation). In contrast to a “typical” child, the child on the spectrum doesn’t reveal how he feels in the early stages of anxiety. Consequently, he may reach a point of crisis and begin to “melt down” due to the fact that his peers are unaware of his discomfort – along with his own inability to predict, control, and manage uncomfortable circumstances. This behavioral display, in turn, causes the anxiety-ridden child to “stand out from the crowd,” which often makes him an easy target for peers who are prone to teasing and bullying the “odd balls.”

Even though they are known for their lack of social awareness, children with AS and HFA themselves are aware that they are different from their friends and classmates. Therefore, problems with self-esteem are common in these “special needs” kids. These problems often are particularly significant during the teenage years.

Unpredictable social situations make it difficult for kids on the autism spectrum to apply social rules in a consistent way. Social rules vary from situation to situation, and there are no solid and universal social conventions. This lack of social consistency is especially confusing for the AS or HFA child. She may discover that interactions that may be tolerated - or even reinforced - in one setting are rejected or punished in others. For instance, one 5th grader with HFA could not understand why her calling Mrs. Magina, her teacher, "Mrs. Vagina” in the restroom was the source of great delight to her peers, while saying this in the classroom, in the presence of Mrs. Magina, caused a much different response from peers.

As compared to their “typical’ peers, children with AS and HFA don’t acquire greater social awareness and skill merely as a function of age. All children are required to use increasingly sophisticated social skills and to interpret subtle social nuances as they progress through school. But, children diagnosed with AS and HFA often find themselves more and more in conflict with prevailing social norms as they move through adolescence and into young adulthood. As a result of these requirements and the experiences that follow, these “special needs” teens are vulnerable to developing a variety of problems. For instance, studies of teenagers diagnosed with AS indicated that they often experience increased discomfort and anxiety in social situations, along with a continuing inability to effectively interact with peers. Anxiety and depression may also appear at this time.

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Bullies often target the child with AS or HFA due to the fact that his social deficits are so obvious. Bullies typically choose targets who are unable to mount an effective defense. The failure to recognize sarcasm and subtleties of speech often leads bullies to exploit the AS or HFA child by pretending to be his friend, while subtly mocking or hurting him, or creating a situation where he will be publicly shamed. This often occurs when bullies tell the AS/HFA child to do something - or ask him a vulgar question with implicit meanings that he may not detect immediately (e.g., “Do you like head?”).

Some children and teens on the autism spectrum can develop the early signs of PTSD or similar symptoms as a direct result of bullying. Parents may be able to determine if this has happened to their child by looking for the following symptoms:
  • always being on guard for danger
  • avoidance of people, places, or things that remind the child of the triggers that caused the anxiety
  • being easily startled or frightened
  • difficulty experiencing positive emotions
  • difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • feeling detached from family and friends
  • feeling emotionally numb
  • frequent flashbacks
  • frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the bullying incident
  • high levels of anxiety
  • hopelessness about the future
  • inability to discuss the source of the anxiety
  • increased incidence of panic attacks
  • irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • lack of interest in activities once enjoyed
  • memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the bullying incidents
  • negative thoughts about self or other people 
  • overwhelming guilt or shame
  • re-enacting the bullying incident or aspects of it through play
  • trouble concentrating
  • trouble sleeping



Social anxiety (e.g., avoidance of public places or events, phone calls, conversation, etc.) can be exacerbated, with some AS and HFA children becoming highly insecure about attempting to form or maintain relationships with peers due to experiences with bullies who posed as friends.

In worst-case scenarios, bullying can lead the victim to suicide, sometimes called bullycide. But, even though most kids grow out of the “predator-prey” cycle of abuse, many child victims are still at risk for the long-term effects of PTSD later in life.

==> More information on how bullying affects kids on the autism spectrum...

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
By

How to Deal with the Bullying of Your Child on the Autism Spectrum

"My son with high functioning autism just revealed to me that he has been bullied by one particular peer since the start of the school year. I guess he didn't mentioned it before because he didn't realize until recently that this other student was actually doing something 'wrong' and hurtful (go figure). What would be the best way to address this issue? I don't want him going through an entire school year under this kind of pressure!"

Children with ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often exhibit behaviors that are peculiar enough to hold the attention of kids who do not have the best interests of the "special needs" child in mind. Besides simple teasing, bullying of young people on the autism spectrum can happen in situations in which they have little ability to protect themselves.

Fortunately, if such bullying happens in school, it can be managed more easily (provided your son divulges that it is going on). Most schools are cracking down on bullying and are treating such behavior as assault and punishable by legal means. You have every right to speak with the principal, teacher or counselor in order to ask their help in controlling the bully. Some schools have behavioral support staff whose job is to get to the bottom of behavior issues and crack down on bullies.

In the meantime, teach your son to walk away from the bully, preferably before the bully gets started with another round of abuse. Help him learn to recognize those situations that may lead to bullying (e.g., after school, on the playground, during lunch, etc.), and teach him to be more vigilant and stay near adults in such circumstances.

Sometimes, just having another friend around may reduce the incidence of bullying. If your son has problems making friends on his own, facilitate friendships with mature, understanding kids who can both be a friend to your son and can help out if bullies try to tease or hurt him. Facilitating friendships may mean inviting a child over for a meal or for some games or television. It may mean taking the two of them to a movie or on a shopping trip.

Bullies are a fact of life for many (if not most) children with HFA. The more you can do as a parent to intervene with the help of other adults (and other students), and the more you can teach your son methods of self-preservation that don’t include fighting back, the better able he can be in dealing with this difficult situation.



 
PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... A lot of times the "bullies" are just regular kids that are reacting in the usual ways to the ASD reactions to being overstimulated & overcrowded. For example - Z tends to touch/bother the kid in front of her when in line, so the teacher always moves her to the front. The other kids think that's not fair, so at lunch and recess they make a point not to allow Z to play with them, and they say hurtful things to Z.  Z repeats over and over that she likes cats, and says peanut butter at the most random/inappropriate times. This makes other children uncomfortable around her. The class clown makes the other kids laugh by making snide comments about Z. Laughter helps make them feel more comfortable, even if it comes at the expense of the one they laugh at. In a wholly NT society, the group shunning of such behavior would make the child doing it stop and think about how doing things differently and being called "teacher's pet" is a bad way and they would most likely stop and conform to the norm. But for an ASD child this is extremely difficult to grasp, and not only that, it is completely wrong to expect an ASD child to "act normal". Teachers can try to combat this by educating the children about the child's condition, but it is hard for them to understand (and teachers themselves barely understand half the time) and it is tiring, takes up a ton of time, and they get extremely frustrated with Z because she is a distraction more often than not. It's not Z's fault she's a distraction, she is simply reacting to the pressure of being in a classroom with florescent lights, 20+ children all talking/moving at once, and the torture of having to sit still in one place for too long. The way the school handled our situation was to put her in a smaller class with other kids with behavioral issues, i.e., the Alternative School. The social stigma surrounding going to the Alternative School means that neighborhood kids who used to play with Z now will not, because their mommies and daddies say that only bad kids go to the Alternative School. So the shunning goes on and on and on. At least at the Alternative School, there are fewer kids in the classroom (7 children instead of 20+). She gets more one on one time with the teacher and has a chance to actually learn.
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely NOT too late. A lot of times Aspies dont realize it is bullying because they are so used to not fitting in..
•    Anonymous said... I fear this happens more than we know.
•    Anonymous said... It took two years before I realised how bad the bullying was at my daughter's first school. Not until she was suicidal at 9 years old. the school denied the problem, telling me she was making it up. So much bullying goes under a teacher's notice. I now home school, after three schools and a constant attack on her self-worth and the stress of coping with crowds and noise and lack of proper support. For the first time she is now making friends and keeping them, feeling safe around teens now she is not having to deal with them full time.
•    Anonymous said... It's never too late
•    Anonymous said... it's never too late to mention this to the teachers... and help the other child realize he is wrong with his behavior too!
•    Anonymous said... my daughter has had probelms at school with one girl who also has her own probelms as she is in care this girl is alot older and has so far laughed at my child who has aspergers , locked her in a room , pulled a chair from under her so she hurt herself , my child has always forgiven her as she wants to be friends and be part of the group , last week though this girl bent her hands back and really hurt her , she has been excluded now and as she leaves school this year , the school only allowing the girl in when her personal tutor in , and only half days, since she been gone my daughter has really been happy , and is fitting in with the other kids in her small inclusion group , and all her tics have gone as shes not got the anxiety from the last few months with this girl, i would confront the teacher and talk it though good luck x
•    Anonymous said... Never too late. My eldest has just been on a camp and my husband went as well and a few of girls from my son's class mentioned that there are a couple of kids giving my youngest a hard time. He has not told us nor has he reacted. Told his teacher when I took him to school Thursday as my son told me 1 child which was no surprise and by that afternoon it had been dealt with and his teacher is going to ask the girls who else is doing it so they can be dealt with. I am very lucky at the school we are at as there are a lot of kids, mainly girls who watch out and report bullying of my 2 boys when they see it, and school do something without having to catch the bullies in the act. Our last school we had issues for 2 years and always got the excuse we have to catch them at it, it was verbal so very hard to catch, we took our kids out of that school.
•    Anonymous said... That is very true! Or they get so used to being bullied that they assume everyone is doing it and they give up!
•    Anonymous said... This sounds so familiar and terrible. I don't understand how children can be so cruel, but mostly I don't understand how schools that say that understand and want to help don't really do anything proactive. And the understanding they give lasts for one incident only. My boy is in yr 8 and has been strangled, beaten up and held down by 3 boys, dragged along the ground. And so many other little tormenting things in he class room. He's been suspended 4 times since starting high school because there view is if my boy were able to take no for an answer and not try to interact with others they wouldn't resort to hurting him to get their point across. So in part they feel he's responsible for the kids hurting him so he gets suspended. Go figure!!!!

More comments below…

By

How Children on the Autism Spectrum Can Avoid Being Bully Victims

When an Aspergers or high-functioning autistic (HFA) child does not feel safe in school, it is impossible for that student to learn or participate in the educational process in a productive manner. Children who are bullied spend their entire time trying to escape the harassment, the violence, the humiliation, and the shame of being a victim.

As this injustice goes unchecked, the child on the autism spectrum becomes more and more convinced that no one will rescue him, because no one sees or understands his attempt to communicate that he is, in fact, a victim. Also, he becomes angrier and angrier until he begins to cope with his victimization by either (a) emulating the characteristics of a bully or (b) dropping out of school altogether.

Children who are bullied:
  • Are more likely to have health complaints. In one study, being bullied was associated with physical health status 3 years later.
  • Are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.
  • Are more likely to retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.
  • Have decreased academic achievement (GPA and standardized test scores) and school participation.
  • Have higher risk of depression and anxiety, including the following symptoms that may persist into adulthood: changes in sleep and eating patterns; increased feelings of sadness and loneliness; loss of interest in activities.
  • Have increased thoughts about suicide that may persist into adulthood. In one study, grown-ups who recalled being bullied in youth were 3 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts or inclinations.

Why are students on the spectrum such an easy target for bullies?

Children with Aspergers and HFA are bullied more frequently for several reasons:

1. A child with the disorder takes things very literally. This may mean that it becomes difficult for him to follow a lot of what his peers are talking about, which in turn, may make him appear “stupid” to his peers (an unfair label).

2. Children with Aspergers and HFA may have difficulty paying attention to more than one piece of information, which may cause them to stay 'stuck' in a conversation. Such actions can have adverse effects on their social skills and make it difficult for them to hold conversations and make friends.



3. Some children on the autism spectrum learn that they have to ask a question to start a conversation, but then, instead of listening to the answer, they ask question after question, in effect drilling their peers and making them feel uncomfortable.

4. The two- to three-year lag in maturity and difficulty reading social cues that autistic kids are prone to are also contributing factors to bullying.

5. Their difficulties reading social cues cause them to irritate peers. Difficulties in reading social cues range from (a) trouble understanding the zones of personal space, causing them to stand too close to others, to (b) a lack of basic conversation skills.

6. These children often have a low frustration tolerance. When frustration increases and reaches a threshold, it can lead to a meltdown, which makes the child stand out as being different.

7. They have passions, certain things that they focus on, but they may have a hard time talking about anything else, which is often annoying to peers.

8. They may have poor motor skills, which makes them stand out as clumsy.

9. They may not understand social banter, and so they become easy targets for teasing.

Research has long shown that students with an Autism Spectrum Disorder are far more at risk for being bullied than other students. One study found that 82% of these children claimed to have been bullied. Children on the spectrum may be overly sensitive and reactive, which attracts the attention of bullies. But it’s not just students on the spectrum – any student who is different from the norm is vulnerable. And sometimes schools are anything but helpful: One study showed that 25% of teachers see nothing wrong with bullying.

Unfortunately, YOUR child may be a victim of bullying – BUT you may not even know about it. Why? Because some kids don’t tell their parents about the abuse they are experiencing at school – they keep it a secret.

Reasons for secrecy tend to fall into one of seven categories:

1. The fear that grown-ups will do nothing: Children may be skeptical that adults can, or will, take steps to stop a bully.

2. The fear of losing a friendship: Sometimes the relationship between bullies and victims isn't so straightforward. If the victim counts the bully as a friend (or wants to be his friend), telling may not seem like an option.

3. Power: Bullying is marked by one participant — the bully — possessing more power than the other, whether that power is real or perceived. Kids learn to gain power by aggression and to accept when others wield aggressive power. So a "weak" victim is not likely to tattle.

4. Retaliation: To some children, the logic is simple: Tell a grown-up and make the bully angrier.

5. Self-blame: Victims may feel shame and blame themselves for their situation. One Aspergers boy stated he was at fault for his victimization, because he was "a little nerdy."

6. The cloak of secrecy: Bullying often happens out of adults' sight, in settings such as hallways and school lunchrooms. Thus, bullying stays between the victim, the bully and peer bystanders.

7. Vulnerability: Children who are bullied are often less accepted by their peers and may struggle with social skills. They may yearn for acceptance from the very people who torment them. So, they keep trying …and trying …and trying to get acceptance, hoping that someday they will “fit-in.”

What can be done?

Each Aspergers and HFA youngster has his/her own temperament. Some enjoy higher levels of social activity while others prefer less. While this may be a preference the youngster is born with, much of what experts call ‘social competence’ or the ability to get along with others is skill-based or learned. This means that it can be practiced and improved upon, especially if the youngster’s parent is a patient coach.

These kids don’t need to be the most popular in their class, but they do need good social skills to avoid being targets of bullying and social isolation. Being sociable helps us with resilience (the ability to withstand hard times). Those who are constantly rejected by peers are lonely and have lower self-esteem. When they are older, these kids are more likely to drop out of school and use drugs and alcohol. Moms and dads can help their special needs kids learn social skills so that they are not constantly rejected and bullied – or begin to bully and reject others.

Social skills include our emotions, intellect, ethics, and behaviors. Emotionally we learn to manage strong feelings (e.g., anger) and show empathy for others. Our intellect is used to solve relationship conflicts and make decisions. Ethically we develop the ability to sincerely care for others and engage in socially-responsible actions. Behaviorally we learn specific communication skills such as turn-taking and how to start a conversation.

Moms and dads can act as coaches for their kids to develop these social skills. Kids learn a lot from how parents treat them and from how parents interact with others. Parents, like other coaches, will need to be creative and specific in teaching social skills. Beyond saying “You need to be better at X,” good coaches teach concrete skills and then support the use of these skills across a variety of situations. The goal should be not just to teach these young people to “be nice” but also to help them to advocate for themselves as well as care for others.

Most kids experience occasional rejection, and most kids are sometimes socially clumsy, insensitive, or even unkind.

Signs that a youngster may need some social coaching include:
  • Lacks at least one or two close mutual friends
  • Has trouble losing or winning gracefully
  • Doesn’t show empathy when others are hurt or rejected
  • Acts bossy or insists on own way a lot
  • Can’t seem to start or maintain a conversation
  • Uses a louder voice than most kids
  • Seems constantly ignored or victimized by other kids or constantly teases or annoys other kids

Moms and dads should use a 4-part strategy when helping their kids develop social skills:
  1. Point out
  2. Practice
  3. Praise
  4. Prompt
These four steps can be used when you notice that your youngster needs to work on a particular social skill. Before using them, however, you should point out the problem area sensitively and privately (not in front of others) to your youngster.

1. Point Out: Moms and dads can use opportunities to point out when others are using the desired skills. It might be a specific behavior of the parent, another grown-up, a youngster, or even a character in a book or on TV. The idea is to give your kid examples and role models of people engaging in the appropriate social skill.

2. Practice: A mother or father can help their youngster substitute a specific appropriate response for a specific inappropriate one. This might mean brainstorming with the youngster about different alternative responses, and then practicing one or more with him or her. Practicing can involve mapping out actual words to say or behaviors to use, role-playing, and using the newly learned skills in real situations.

3. Praise: Often times, Aspergers and HFA kids are not eager to work on new skills, so moms and dads must reward their kids with praise when the new skills are practiced as a way of helping the skills become habits. This might be a specific verbal statement (“You did an awesome job of X instead of Y when you got upset at the store”), a nonverbal sign such as a thumbs up, or even a treat (10 minutes extra ‘fun time’ before bedtime).

4. Prompt: Without nagging, moms and dads can gently remind their youngster to use a new skill when the opportunity arises. This might be verbal (“Now might be a good time to count to ten in your head”) or nonverbal (a nonverbal cue such as zipping the lips when a youngster is about to interrupt).

Any good coach knows that patience is important, because learning new skills takes time and practice. And everyone differs in how long it takes to learn something new. Coaches often have to be creative in their teaching strategies, because all kids have different ways of learning.

The important thing to remember is that the ability to have good social relationships is not simply about personality or in-born traits. Children who get along with other children have learned skills to do so, and they practice these regularly. Just like a good coach can make the difference for a budding basketball player, moms and dads can help their kids become socially skilled.

There is definitely a connection between a child’s social deficits and being the target bullying. One leads to the other in most cases, unfortunately. According to statistics, when a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism learns social skills needed to gain acceptance from a peer-group, he (a) reduces his chances of being bullied by over 80%, (b) feels better about himself, (c) reduces the risk of dropping out of school due to school-anxiety issues, and (d) has a 3x greater chance of finding and maintaining gainful employment as a young adult.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management 


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  parents hate when I suggest separation, yet safe zones that allow us to learn in an environment sensitive to our processing needs in an atmosphere free from fear and oppression is exactly what we need. let me be clear, the whole purpose is to teach children to thrive outside the seclusion, with their peers in society, the method is actually tried and true, they call it "immersion therapy" I am just applying it to society in general. not too mention, we would benefit greatly from much more dedicated, individualized, learning structures , where we can question the teachers and follow intuitions that lead outside the general academic offerings.
•    Anonymous said… Except that if they did that most schools would lose half their pupils, I think all kids dabble with bullying at some point or other, just to feel that power, so in the end there's not enough peer pressure to stop bullying, and sadly it's our atypical kids who bear the brunt of it most of the time.
•    Anonymous said… get the school guidance counsellor involved. it's a good place to start. Plus document everything with dates and what happened or what your child is doing differently, how they are behaving, how their grades are doing, if they want to go to school. you can include this info in your letter for help if you need to write one in the future.
•    Anonymous said… I have found that teachers a to damm scared to interfere in things like the bullies in the school .I took matters into my own hands with my granbabe ,he was being bullied and I complained for 2 weeks then bang took matters into my own hands and delt with the bully scared the life out of him all has been quiet ever since .
•    Anonymous said… My kindergartener has so much anxiety about a boy in his class and the teacher will not do anything. She is blaming my son for being scared of nothing, clearly there is something going on!
•    Anonymous said… What if the only reason they hate school is because they will be away from the parent? I'm literally going insane. For my 11yr old son last year was tough and since summer it has become very stressful. Now in an ESE classroom but this semester has been horrible. He thinks something will happen to me if we're apart, or that I'm going to leave him.

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