My Aspergers son has anger problems. How can I help him understand what his real emotions are?
Answer
For kids with Aspergers (high functioning autism), anger can be a major challenge. Many people do not realize the strong connection between Aspergers and behavioral issues like anger, anxiety, and depression. The very characteristics of Aspergers lead to these behavioral issues. Some of these characteristics are:
Gross and fine motor problems
Inflexible thinking
Lack of language skills, especially social language, gestures and cues
Narrow interests
Sensory issues
Social skills weaknesses
Understanding anger in Aspergers children is quite simple. Nearly all of your son’s anger stems from frustration. The characteristics of Aspergers listed above (plus others) create a confusing and uncomfortable social environment. The natural reaction is frustration, and the natural escalation of frustration is anxiety, then anger. Helping an Aspergers child understand his anger and other emotions, however, can be quite difficult. You must help your son understand the cause of his emotions, and then develop a plan to avoid the negative emotions that stem from frustration. There are several options available for the mother/father searching for anger-management for their Aspergers children. Here are a couple of those options:
1. Home Solutions— Not everyone with Aspergers anger issues choose private therapy. For some people, these therapies are not covered by insurance or are simply not available. Others choose to handle therapy and learning situations at home, in their own way. This is perfectly acceptable, and in all honesty, quite helpful for the child even if you do choose private therapy. Support at home will increase progress. Some examples of home solutions are:
Five point scale assessments teach a youngster how to recognize his anger or anxiety and prepare to control their emotional responses.
Parenting discipline programs teach parents how to use proper discipline techniques, which in turn, may diffuse some of the youngster’s anxiety and anger.
Play therapy/activities make learning emotional control fun.
Social stories can be written for specific behavioral problems and situations. These stories can put your youngster’s feelings into words and offer him simple solutions.
2. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy— Many people with Aspergers anger choose to try cognitive-behavioral therapy. This therapy is highly recommended for kids with Aspergers. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is individual therapy designed around the idea that a child’s emotions and thought processes are what control that child’s outward feelings and behaviors. Most people tend to blame the situation or other people. This therapy places the focus on a child’s internal thoughts. In other words, if we think a certain way, even though the situation makes us feel the opposite, we can begin to feel better about that situation.
For your Aspergers child, anger can get in the way of learning, playing, and life. Perhaps you can use some of the above suggestions to help him handle his anger and better understand his emotions.
"I'm in desperate need of some strategies to deal with my Aspergers (high-functioning) son's anger. When he starts to stew about something, it's not long before all hell breaks loose. Any suggestions?!"
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Young people with ASD [High-Functioning Autism] respond with anger mostly because they feel frustrated - they feel helpless to understand the situation fully, and helpless to change it.
Parents need to understand that anger is not the same thing as aggression. Anger is a feeling, while aggression is a behavior. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property. Explain to your ASD child that anger is OK – aggression is not.
Dealing with your child’s anger requires first finding out what he is feeling. Ask him what happened, what went wrong, what he wants, and what he is feeling. He may - or may not - be able to tell you very clearly, and he may need your help to label his feelings.
Contrary to some popular opinions, punishment is not the most effective way to communicate to ASD children what we expect of them. Explaining, modeling, and setting rules are far more effective. However, expect your child to break a rule three or four times. This is how he learns which rules are serious ones, which ones you will enforce, and which ones can be broken under certain circumstances. Breaking rules often isn’t done in anger, but is a way of learning, of testing out the world around them.
Here are some tips for dealing with angry children on the autism spectrum:
1. Encourage these "special needs" children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Help them to see that they can reach their goals.
2. Ignore inappropriate behavior that you can tolerate.
3. Keep in mind that hugs can often make strong emotions less difficult for a child on the autism spectrum. You don’t hug to make the anger go away though; hug to let the child know you understand his anger and that you take it seriously.
4. Limits should be explained clearly and enforced consistently.
5. Provide physical outlets and exercise. ASD kids need physical activity to let off steam.
6. Recognize failures and setbacks are part and parcel of life.
7. Say “NO” clearly and firmly as needed.
8. Sometimes children on the spectrum do get aggressive or destructive when frustrated by difficult tasks, like studying. Parents can move in, acknowledge the difficulty of the task and the feelings of frustration or failure it causes, and offer help.
9. Take an interest in your child’s activities. Attention and pride can often make negative emotions easier to deal with. Failures and frustrations often mean less when a child knows his parents love him and are proud of him for others things he does and knows.
10. Use bargaining as needed. We, as parents, often control our own behavior by doing this (e.g., “After a day like this, I deserve a really good meal”). This reward system may help us curb our own temper when needed. This is not the same as bribery or blackmail. Know what your child likes and what is important enough to him to serve as a good motivator to manage anger.
11. Use humor. Teasing or kidding can often defuse an angry situation and allow a child to “save face.” Don’t use humor to ridicule your child; use it to make fun of the situation.
12. Use modeling. Moms and dads should be aware of the powerful influence of their actions on a child’s behavior. If you curse when angry, don’t be surprised when your child does. If you count to ten when angry, don’t be surprised if your child follows this good example too.
13. When you decide to bend the rules and say “yes,” explain why that moment is appropriate. Knowing when it is acceptable to break the rules is just as important as knowing when it is not.
14. While spanking likely won’t help your child, other physical interventions might. Sometimes the child can’t stop once a tantrum has begun, and physically removing the child from the scene or intervening isn’t a type of punishment – it’s a way to help him stop his behavior long enough to gain some control over it.
15. Observant and involved parents can find dozens of things they like about their child’s behavior. Comment on your child’s behavior when it is good, for example:
“I appreciate you hanging up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to play outside.”
“I know it was difficult for you to wait your turn, and I’m pleased that you could do it.”
“I like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded.”
“I like the way you handled your brother when he took your stuff.”
“I like the way you’re able to think of others.”
“I’m glad you shared your snack with your sister.”
“Thank you for telling the truth about what really happened.”
“Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly.”
“You were really patient while I was on the phone.”
“You worked hard on your homework, and I admire your effort.”
explaining the rules and sticking to them in a neutral way
setting limits, but being flexible when needed
setting your own anger aside as much as possible
understanding why your child is angry and responding appropriately
Bad discipline involves:
punishment as a means of exacting revenge
punishment which is unduly harsh
punishment which is unpredictably meted out
raging at your child
sarcasm and ridicule
Tips for Children with Asperger's and High Functioning Autism—
You can learn to handle your anger in several ways. Remember that some angry episodes take longer than others to solve. Here are some ways to help you when you're angry (or about to get angry):
1. DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL. Do something with your body such as stomp your feet, run around the house, or punch a pillow. You can also play with play dough, clay, or bread dough, which can be rolled out, pounded, twisted, and pulled apart. Any of these physical activities can help you focus your anger on something else and help you to calm down.
2. TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. Talk to a parent, brother or sister, grandparent, a child care provider or a friend about what is making you angry. Talking helps some people work through their anger so they can accept what is making them angry, or solve the problem in a positive way. If you can't or won't talk to a person, then you can talk to a family pet, a puppet, or an imaginary friend.
3. SING A SONG. Make up words to a song or poem that expresses what you are feeling. Words from a favorite song can be substituted with this "un-mad" song. For example, the words "I'm so mad 'cause I can't play. Go away, go away, day!" can be sung to a familiar or made-up tune.
4. ASK OTHER PEOPLE HOW THEY COPE WITH THEIR FEELINGS OF ANGER. Collect ideas from other people on how to cope with anger. Decide which ones might work for you. For example, some people take a fast walk to drain off anger, while others take deep breaths when they get angry.
5. DRAIN THE ANGER FROM YOUR BODY. Relax with some water play activities or finger-painting. You can also scribble as hard as you can on a scrap of paper and throw the paper away as if throwing the anger away. Or you can write a story about what has made you angry and give the story to an adult and have the adult read it back. Then you can crumple up the paper and throw it away.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
Kmarie said...Thank you so much for these reminders. I needed to hear them. I really appreciate this blog.
Anonymous said...Thank you. This was very helpful. I have used several of these strategies with my students and I am learning which ones are the most effective. Question regarding a young man who does not show emotion when corrected. He has no sense of right/wrong and often repeats what is said. I am starting to see a change in his recognition of my facial expression when he states “Boucher disappointed I steal cards.” His behavior is taking a deck of cards off of teacher’s desks. There is no pattern. We tried 5 point scale, taking his cards, letting him have his own cards and rewards when he does not steal cards. There is a slight improvement with regard to understanding but then he laughs and thinks it to be a game. Any thoughts or ideas? I would greatly appreciate your assistance.
Anonymous said...I am a single parent of a 7 yr. old little girl that has been diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder since Feb. 2010, and it was done by The Child Diagnostic center in Worcester, MA, they are a part of UMass Medical Center. She experiences frequent meltdowns, sometimes over a friend having to leave to go home, or sometimes with no particular trigger, which would equal out to everything and anything can set her off. I try not to yell, but i just can't seem to find an effective way to respond to her while she's in her meltdowns. She is a challenge when the meltdowns are so frequent. The first severe meltdown i've seen so far is the one that lasted over an hour and it was triggered by her friend wanting to go home.
Anonymous said...I also am a mother of a seven year old girl with Asperger. She has frequent meltdowns over little things. She also hurts herself when she gets angry. It is very hard to deal with, she can be so sweet one moment and than so angry and frustrated the next. I also don´t know how to react. It makes me very sad seeing her so upset, but she can also not influence in a negative way the whole atmosphere at home. It looks like it gets worse with her becoming older and the pressure of school.
Anonymous said...My son Ryan is 14. He was diagnosed with AS right before his 10th birthday. He is very high-functioning and most people can't tell he has any challenges. Until he gets angry. His diagnosis manifests itself mainly in frustration. He gets to the point where his frustration is too overwhelming then has meltdowns. He has been going to a therapist once a week for 4 years now, and they mainly deal with the "what could you have done differently?" scenario. Ryan's anger flares in 2.3 milliseconds and he lashes out. Usually very physically. He throws things, breaks things, screams, curses, hits. I really think his major problem - what everything else stems from - is his misinterpretation of the world around him. We call it, "The world according to Ryan." Because of his misinterpretation, he thinks fun teasing is bullying, people hate him, no one understands him, etc. He just finished a stint at an alternative school program for having too many offenses at school. He's either shoving someone, cursing them out, or not doing what he's supposed to be doing because he's upset about something else. I keep telling him he cannot change the world. He can only change his reaction to it. That sometimes you just have to stop and try to see the other side to something, not just react. He never instigates anything, he only reacts. I'm not sure what my question is exactly. Maybe - at what point do they get it through their heads that only THEY can learn to control this? He hates being an aspy, hates being different, threatens to kill himself (although I do not believe he means that). But I think he's waiting for everyone else to fix the problem. How do I make him understand that he gives his power away every time someone makes him mad. That he needs to take the power back and control this himself?
Cheryl Lynne said...I think we gave birth to the same child. You're not alone. Positive energy and strength to you.
Unknown said...My 14yr old daughter is autiatic and her step dad thinks shes fine that shes normal and that shes just manipulating me all the time all he does is yell at her and take her phone away constantly he does not understand autism and its very frustrating watching him fight back and forth with her constantly what can i do ?
"I desperately need ideas on how to deal with an autistic child (high functioning) who is often agitated and angered. We rarely know what will trigger him, as it seems to vary widely from situation to situation - and from day to day."
All children experience anger. But, young people with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), in particular, have difficulty channeling their strong emotions into acceptable outlets.
Anger is a response to a real or perceived loss or stress. It results when an individual’s body, property, self-esteem, or values are threatened. Anger is often a reaction to feeling frustrated, hurt, misunderstood, or rejected. If your youngster does not learn how to release his or her anger appropriately, it can fester and explode in inappropriate ways, or be internalized and damage his or her sense of self-worth.
As a mother or father, dealing with an angry youngster is inevitable. Many of us have heard our own pre-parenting voice whisper to us, saying something like, “That will never be my child acting-out like that” (famous last words). Anger is learned, but so is composure!
As parents, we hope our kids learn to:
communicate angry feelings in a positive way
express anger nonviolently
learn how to avoid being a victim of someone else's angry actions
learn how to control angry impulses
learn how to problem solve
learn how to remove themselves from a violent or angry situation
learn self-calming techniques
recognize angry feelings in themselves and others
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Below are several crucial techniques to help teach your AS or HFA youngster calmer, more constructive ways to express anger:
1. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping your youngster control herself and save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").
2. Be sure to VALUE what your youngster is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate your youngster's experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, your youngster learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If your youngster can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.
3. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help AS and HFA kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these young people have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with your youngster about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once your youngster chooses her replacement behavior, encourage her to use the same strategy each time she starts to get upset.
4. Encourage your youngster to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?
5. Facilitate communication and problem solving with your AS or HFA youngster by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem?).
6. Help your youngster to understand her own emotions by putting her feelings into words (e.g., say, "It looks like it made you angry when they called you names").
7. Help your youngster to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."
8. Involve your youngster in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for the age of your youngster when the rules are ignored.
9. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings your youngster expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”
10. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help your youngster express her frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list her ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your youngster is upset, use the words so she can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.
How can children with High-Functioning Autism cope with anger and depression?
11. Resist taking your youngster’s angry outbursts personally. Always deal with him in a calm, objective way.
12. Sometimes a child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the AS or HFA child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to parents’ frustration to find out that this isn't always the case with their “special needs” child. The best attitude to bring to such a circumstance, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.
13. Stop any aggressive behaviors. Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove your youngster as gently as possible.
14. Teach your AS or HFA youngster to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, your youngster can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. A youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After your youngster has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even AS and HFA kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices. These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach your youngster these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.
15. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As the mother or father, you are your youngster's main guide in life. She relies on you to be there with her through her difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with your youngster and incorporate other methods mentioned in this article (e.g., work on breathing with her, ask her questions about her feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with your child to help her through her emotions. Remember, you are teaching her social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some boys and girls are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.
16. Use feeling words to help your AS or HFA youngster understand the emotions of others (e.g., Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely," or "When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed").
17. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).
18. When your child becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Let me rephrase this (because this is an important technique): Every time your child acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to your youngster that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your youngster recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).
Once your youngster is aware of his unique warning signs, start pointing them out to him whenever he first starts to get upset (e.g., “It looks like you’re starting to get frustrated" …or "Your cheeks are getting red. Do you feel yourself starting to get upset?"). The more you help your AS or HFA child to recognize the signs when his anger is first triggered, the better he will be able to calm himself down. It’s also the time when anger-control techniques are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until your youngster is already in "melt-down" to try to get him back into control is usually too late.
19. Simple relaxation tools can help your child calm down. For example:
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience from either your memory or your imagination.
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (“relax” or “take it easy”). Repeat it to yourself.
Breathe deeply from your diaphragm (breathing from your chest won't relax you, so picture your breath coming up from your belly).
20. Help your youngster understand that she can “choose” how to react when she feels angry. Teach her self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses. Here are some choices she can make:
Calm self by breathing deeply
Count slowly
Draw or play with clay
Exercise, walk or run
Find a quiet place or sit alone
Hug someone, a pet or a stuffed animal
Look at books or read
Play music or sing
Problem solve
Rest or take a shower
Stop and think
Tell someone how you feel
Tense body and then relax
Write about feelings
By following the techniques listed above, parents can help strengthen their relationship with their AS and HFA kids and give them the tools they need to cope effectively with frustration and anger.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
Have you experienced an out-of-control yelling match with your Aspergers (high functioning autism) teen? While parenting these teens, moms and dads often find themselves in a power struggle. Teen "Aspies" try all sorts of things to get what they want, and sometimes this involves yelling and cussing-out their parents. The techniques that follow should help parents deal with aggressive Aspergers teens:
1. Avoid Excessive Negative Attention— It's a mistake to pay more attention to what the Aspergers youngster is doing wrong (e.g., his failures, mistakes, misbehaviors, etc.) than to what he is doing right (e.g., his successes, achievements, good behaviors, etc.). When you go to bed at night, review the day you have had with your Aspie. Have you spent as much time during the day looking at his appropriate behaviors as you have looking at his inappropriate actions?
You should avoid using punishment as a primary method of control. Instead, substitute positive consequences, which place the emphasis on good behavior rather than on bad behavior. Eliminate verbal punishment (e.g., hollering, putting down the teenager, name-calling, excessive criticism), and use reward as a disciplinary tactic. Emphasize successes, accomplishments, achievements, and good behaviors. Pay more attention to normal good behavior and be positive. Constant nagging of an Aspergers adolescent will certainly result in a buildup of anger, resentment, and aggressive behaviors.
2. Avoid Excessive Restrictions— Some Aspergers kids who are overprotected, excessively restricted, and generally not allowed to be like other youngsters their age may develop resentment and anger. They want to do things that others do, but are prevented from doing so. Sometimes you have to look at your adolescent's peer group in order to decide what is and is not appropriate – and what is too much restriction.
3. Avoid Random Discipline— Moms and dads often discipline after the fact. This is “random discipline.” They set a rule and wait for the teenager to break it before they decide upon a consequence. To Aspergers adolescents, the concept of fairness is extremely important. If they are disciplined in this fashion, they may frequently feel unjustly treated. In addition, random discipline often makes adolescents feel that others are responsible for what has happened to them and anger is apt to develop. You should spell out the rules and consequences for your youngster's behavior at the same time. The most important part of this process is not the rule, but the consequence. Put the responsibility for what happens to the youngster squarely on his or her shoulders.
4. Do Not Let the Behavior Get Out of Control— Once a youngster is actively involved in an aggressive behavior or shouting match, it is difficult to deal with the behavior. Rather than wait till the behavior occurs to handle it, sometimes it is possible, and better, to try to prevent it from happening or to catch it early and not let it get out of control. In some adolescents, the aggressive behavior develops gradually and may involve several steps. Some initial behaviors appear and then intensify.
For example, an adolescent's brother may call him stupid. Some verbal exchanges follow, then a pushing and shoving match begins, and finally a full-blown fight erupts. Rather than wait to react when the fight starts, it would be better to try to catch the behavior early, and intervene before the situation gets out of hand. Target the name-calling or verbal arguing and try to stop that, rather than wait to zero in on the fighting.
5. Don't Get into a Power Struggle—You tell your Aspie to clean his room and he refuses. Then you threaten, "You had better clean it, or you're not going out on Saturday." He replies, "You can't make me clean it and I'm going out on Saturday, anyway." Then you say something, he says something, you both begin to shout, and a full-blown power struggle has developed. This is a good way to generate anger in your youngster. When possible, avoid battles and power struggles, which only lead to a buildup of anger. At times, it may be better to have the youngster experience the consequence of his behavior rather than to win the battle and get him to do what you want. If you try to win each fight, you may battle the youngster throughout adolescence, and will probably end up losing the war.
6. Encourage Appropriate Communication— The most effective way to deal with anger and rebellious behavior is to have adolescents appropriately communicate their feelings of disapproval and resentment. Encourage them to express and explain negative feelings, sources of anger, and their opinions—that is, what angers them, what we do that they do not like, what they disapprove of. If an Aspergers adolescent expresses emotions appropriately, in a normal tone of voice, she should not be viewed as rude or disrespectful. This is an appropriate expression of anger, and the youngster should not be reprimanded or punished. In other words, allow adolescents to complain, disagree, or disapprove, provided they are not sarcastic, flippant, or nasty.
Remember, though, that allowing a youngster to shout, swear, or be fresh does not teach effective communication of emotions. If the adolescent is complaining about excessive restrictions, punishments, or other things that she does not like, listen. Try to understand her feelings. If the complaints are realistic, see if something can be worked out and resolved, or if a compromise can be achieved.
7. Look for Ways to Compromise— In many situations with Aspie teens, you should try to treat them the way you would one of your friends or another adult. Rather than get into a battle to see who is going to win, it may be better to create a situation where a compromise is reached.
8. Provide Appropriate Models— Kids learn a great deal from modeling their parents' behavior. The way we handle our conflicts and problems is apt to be imitated by our kids. If I handle my anger by hollering, throwing things, or hitting, there is a good possibility that my kids will handle their conflicts in a similar fashion. The old saying "Don't do as I do; do as I say" is a very ineffective way of dealing with behavior. Therefore, if you see aggressive or rebellious behaviors in your adolescent, look at yourself, your spouse, or an older sibling to see if one of you is modeling these behaviors. If so, the behavior must stop before we can expect to change the teenager's conduct. If there is a significant amount of arguing in the home, or if parents demonstrate disrespect for one another, it is likely that the adolescent will adopt similar behavior patterns. If you scream at your youngster, he is likely to scream back.
Moms and dads who use physical punishment with the young youngster, as a primary method of dealing with his or her behavior, forget one important thing: kids grow and usually get as big as or bigger than them. A young child disciplined through physical punishment will probably end up as a teenager who gets into physical battles with his parents. Moms and dads must look at themselves to be sure they are not models of the behavior they are trying to eliminate in the youngster. Serving as an appropriate model is a good way to teach kids how to deal with and express anger.
9. Stabilize the Environment— Aspergers adolescents who experience environmental change—especially divorce, separation, or remarriage—may develop underlying anger. The anger and resentment that result from the changes may be expressed in other ways. Try to identify the changes, stabilize the environment, and get him to express his feelings through more appropriate methods. If the teenager has questions regarding a divorce or remarriage, discuss them with him.
10. Try Not to React to Passive-Aggressive Behavior— Some of the opposition, stubbornness, resistance, and other passive-aggressive maneuvers of Aspergers adolescents are designed to express anger and/or to get a reaction from the parents. Ignoring this behavior is often an effective way to reduce it. Some ways of dealing with this passive-aggressive behavior will result in the development of more anger, while others will help deflate the anger balloon. For example, if you ask your Aspie to do something – and he is doing it, although complaining the whole time, ignore his complaints since he is doing what you asked.
Would you say your child has frequent mood swings and an anger-management problem? If so, then read on…
As a parent of a child with Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA), it’s a very good idea to draw up a written contract detailing the things you want your child to practice in the course of his anger-management program. Drafting such a contract is a way of providing structure and support, which is crucial for children on the autism spectrum since they need and crave structure.
The items included in the contract should be written from the perspective of the child (i.e., phrased in the first person). For example, “When I get angry, I will stop what I’m doing and go get my favorite stuffed toy to hug” …rather than, “When Michael gets angry, he will stop what he’s doing and go get his favorite stuffed toy to hug.”
The details of the contract are important. You want to be very specific in describing:
The goals for the anger-control program (i.e., what you hope to accomplish)
What your child agrees to do in the service of those goals
How and when your child will practice those things he has agreed to do
Do not include any obvious generalities as a program goal. For example (again, phrased from the child’s perspective), "I will stop over-reacting when my sister annoys me." Vague goals are impossible to measure and leave too much wiggle-room to compel real change. Instead of vague goals, describe specific situations that are upsetting to your child, and the specific behavioral techniques he will practice and use when confronted with those situations. For example, “I will take 10 deep breaths instead of hitting my sister.”
The contract you draw up should only cover a short span of time (1 to 3 days works best). Holding your child accountable over shorter periods of time will allow him to adapt to the contract as he learns to put anger-management techniques into practice. Shorter contract terms also help him to feel successful. You can reward your child upon successful completion of a short contract, feel good about that, and then create a new contract (also for a short time). Contrast this with a long contract where the child doesn’t get rewarded for weeks! Shorter contract terms and frequent small rewards for success make for the best, most effective contracts.
Examples of items to include in your child’s anger-control contract:
1. Timeouts: Have your child agree that he will take a temporary break (i.e., timeout) when confronted with angering situations, whenever this is possible to do. Taking the opportunity to step away from an angering situation will give him the space and time he needs to calm and gather himself, and to evaluate the situation from a more cool-minded perspective. He can return to the situation when he is done with his time-out. Often, a few minutes of “alone-time” can help AS and HFA children to better handle stressful situations.
2. Examining Angry Thoughts: The first thoughts that come into your AS or HFA child’s mind when he is angry are likely to be judgmental and based on incomplete information. If he simply reacts to these incomplete impressions, he will end up attacking the people he is upset with. Instead of just “going off,” have your child agree that he will carefully look at each circumstance that provokes his anger. The best time to do this is during the time-out that he should take before his anger gets out of control. Help your child learn to recognize the types of situations that trigger him, and the types of characteristic angry thoughts that tend to occur to him when he is faced with those triggers. He can take a timeout to decide whether or not reacting in anger will be his best choice. Help your child to retrain himself to think about provocative situations that would otherwise be guided by his automatic (and frequently wrong-headed) emotional reactions.
3. Listening Skills: Becoming a skillful active listener will improve your child’s communication abilities, thereby expanding his options for getting what he wants from other people. Thus, consider add a “listening skills” item to the contract, such as “I will stop what I’m doing and listen to my mother when she says she has something important to tell me.”
4. Relaxation Exercises: Have your child agree that he will practice relaxation exercises on a regular basis (preferably on a daily basis). Since learning to control his anger often means learning to react less violently during stressful situations, it will be beneficial for him to become skillful at relaxing himself. Relaxation techniques (e.g., deep breathing exercises, meditation, physical exercise, etc.) are an effective means of calming down. When practiced daily, relaxation techniques become a proactive means of reducing general overall arousal.
5. Signaling: Agree on a signal that you can give your child (e.g., hand gesture) when you see him starting to slide into old aggressive patterns. Once he receives the signal, he will know he needs to change his behavior to avoid escalating his anger. He may want to take a time-out, or agree to postpone an argument until he can speak about it from a more calm and rational place.
6. Speaking Assertively: Have your child agree that he will spend some time each day practicing assertive communication skills. He can write down the aggressive things he would like to say to people who make him mad (e.g., “I hate you for saying that”), and then re-write them in more assertive ways (e.g., “When you said _______, it hurts my feeling”). Have your child practice speaking the more assertive statements out loud in front of the mirror, or with you during role-playing. Practicing these statements in advance of angering situations will make them easier to use when he is confronted with the real thing.
7. Rewards: Write rewards for your child into the anger contract. He should receive a small reward each time he successfully does the things he said he would do during each short contract. The reward he chooses should be simple and reasonably healthy (something he won't mind going without if he has a setback in working his program, but nonetheless, something he really wants, is willing to work for, and can feel good about enjoying when he succeeds). Small, frequent rewards are more useful than infrequent, larger rewards.
Rule #1: I will treat family members respectfully. This means no kicking, pushing, shoving, hitting, throwing things, spitting at someone. No verbal (e.g., threatening to hit, kill, hurt) or physical threats or gestures of harm (e.g., holding up a fist, moving to push, shove) toward family members. No swearing at - or about - family members.
Consequences for violating Rule #1 within a 24-hour period: On the first violation, I lose my computer privileges for 24 hours. On the second violation, I also lose my iPhone for 24 hours. On the third violation, I also lose television privileges for 24 hours. On the fourth violation, I also lose my snacks for the day. On the fifth violation, I also get grounded FROM my bedroom until bed time. If I violate Rule #1 more than 5 times within a 24-hour period, I lose all the above privileges for 48 hours.
Rewards for following Rule #1: If I am respectful for three days in a row (i.e., no violations), I can choose one of the following rewards approved by my mom and dad:
1. Go to a movie on the weekend with an approved friend.
2. Have an approved friend spend the night on the weekend. 3. Have a pizza night.
The short contract above is just one example of how consequences and rewards can be applied to a particular rule violation. There are as many variations as there are families. But let's discuss the example above for a moment...
Some parents may be look at this example and decide that it is simply too strict. They may believe that if they take away this many privileges for this long, it will create more problems than it solves. To those parents, I have a few very important points to make:
First of all, it is not likely that your child will push the envelope to the point where he has lost everything for two days. That is the exception rather than the rule. He's probably much smarter than that.
Secondly, AS and HFA children are notorious for testing the limits. They want to see just how far they can push their parents and bend the rules. If the parent is of the mindset that it's simply easier to give in and let the child have his way in order to keep the peace, the child learns the following destructive lesson: "All I have to do is make a fuss, and my mom backtracks on the consequences." As you can imagine, this lesson will cause huge problems for the child in the future, because the real world does not operate like this, which brings me to my third point.
Thirdly, your child needs to understand the concept of "stacking the consequences." Let me explain: Imagine that you got pulled over by a police officer who accused you of speeding and is preparing to write you a very expensive speeding ticket. You are outraged and believe strongly that the officer is wrong in his assessment of how fast you were going. The officer asks you for your driver's license, but you refuse to show it to him. Then he “insists” that you produce a driver's license immediately! So you take it out of your purse and throw it in his face, which inadvertently hits him in the eye. Then the officer tells you to get out of the car and put your hands behind your back because you're now under arrest. Now, you believe the officer is out to get you, so you take off running. What just happened here? Well, you turned one charge (speeding) into three charges (speeding, assaulting an officer, and fleeing). You "stacked the charges." And you are going to pay the price for "stacking."
This is just one example of how the real world operates. In the real world, if you decide to make a series of poor choices, you also decide to receive a series of negative consequences associated with those choices. So, we as parents want to set up a system at home that is representative of the real world, because your child is going to have to deal with the real world eventually. And if you don't teach your child that violating rules results in negative consequences EACH AND EVERY TIME, the world will teach your child this lesson. But, unfortunately, the world doesn’t care about what is right or fair – and will teach this lesson in a very harsh and abrupt manner that may send your “naïve” child into a state of shock.
Lastly, consequences have to hurt to be effective. Let me repeat that: consequences have to hurt to be effective. Unfortunately, I see too many parents of children on the autism spectrum who are afraid to allow their child to experience uncomfortable emotions associated with poor choices. They believe that their child will simply crumble under the weight of their discipline. This is called overprotective or overindulgent parenting. As a therapist, I have to tell you that this is the #1 parenting mistake I see in my practice, and it does more damage than I have time to discuss in this post. (Additional information can be found here).
The overprotective parent does tend to be a good advocate for her child, but unfortunately, this parent has moved from advocacy to enabling. If this sounds like you, then please understand that you are underestimating your child’s strengths and intelligence. He is capable of learning anything – and yes – this even includes learning how to receive consequences without tantrums or meltdowns.
Why anger-control contracts work for children on the autism spectrum:
A vital skill that every responsible youngster needs to learn is accountability. Anger-control contracts can help AS and HFA kids learn this critical principle early in life, and that will serve them well as grown-ups.
AS and HFA kids are highly motivated by anger-control contracts because they bring clarity to the situation. Oftentimes, these young people find themselves caught in a situation where they are not sure whether the behavior is acceptable or not, or whether it is worth it to them to make an appropriate choice (e.g., if the youngster throws a dinner plate and breaks it, he may or may not have understood the value of the plate or the consequence for breaking it). An anger-control contract helps both the parent and the child clearly understand what is expected.
One of the key elements of a good anger-control contract is that it brings structure to the discipline process. Whether they admit it or not, AS and HFA kids are best served when there is clear structure. Specific rules and expectations, written down and associated with positive and negative consequences, provide a level of structure that helps these “special needs” kids feel more secure.
Summary of an effective anger-control contract:
Have clear goals for the contract. You can't write an effective contract if you're not clear on exactly what you want your child to accomplish. Know what behaviors you want your youngster to change, and what you want him to do instead.
Allow your youngster to have some input. Kids will be more likely to follow the terms of a contract when they have a hand in its creation. While you need to be the one to prepare the main aspects, leave some room for negotiation (e.g., allow your youngster to help you choose the consequences for breaking the contract rather than simply dictating the disciplinary measures yourself).
Write out the contract, spelling out the goals, expectations and consequences very clearly. An AS or HFA youngster can’t abide by a contract if it's too vague or unclear. Be as specific as possible to reduce the chance of any misunderstandings.
Go over the contract with your youngster and have him sign-off on it. This gives him a chance to ask questions or to seek clarification. By having him sign it, you get a concrete sign that he is agreeing to the terms. This also gives him subconscious “buy-in” because he is making that agreement in a tangible way.
Get one or more people who want to support your child’s anger-management progress to co-sign as witnesses. Other caretakers, teachers, and even siblings (especially if they are older) can often recognize when the AS or HFA child is getting worked-up better than he can, so it is a good idea to include them in the anger plan, if possible.
Keep the contract in a conspicuous place so you can easily refer to it. If your youngster is on the verge of breaking it, you can take it out and remind him of his agreement in concrete terms. If he still violates the contract, you can use it as a neutral touchstone by saying, "Remember when you signed your anger contract and agreed to follow these rules? You also agreed to these consequences if you broke the contract." This will help reduce anger and defensiveness when the consequences are issued.
Have you ever had a day where it seems that everything goes wrong? For example, you forgot to set your alarm clock. As a result, you really need to rush to work (and break the speed limit a bit - or a lot!). But there's a bad car accident on your usual commute, so that makes you even later. Then when you finally pull in the parking lot, you notice the place is unusually busy and congested, so you have to park 3 blocks away - now you're really late!! But this is just the beginning!!! The day doesn't get any better from that point on. When you finally get home, all you want to do is take a sleeping pill and hit the sack.
Imagine if most days were like this one. Unfortunately, for a lot of kids on the autism spectrum, many days feel this overwhelming. Little wonder why some may have more than their fair share of moodiness and meltdowns. But, as a parent, you can make life less stressful for your child by drafting a contract that will help him find some structure and support in an otherwise chaotic and unfriendly world.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
How should you handle meltdowns in your Aspergers (high functioning autistic) child?
With an Aspergers child, a certain situation is fraught with frustration, and potential anger. For example, the stress and strain of school days – which are so long and arduous – are like a compressed spring. It's compressed, and compressed, and compressed, and when they get home, there's an explosion (the Jeckyl and Hyde moment). After school, it may be a time for going for a run or a walk, watching TV, etc., to get it out of their system, to debrief or to get rid of that tension.
There are ways that moms and dads may pick up the signs that a meltdown is brewing (e.g., rigid thinking, being intolerant of imperfection, holding his head). Often times, there are warning signs that the Aspergers child is starting to get agitated. So, the circumstances and warning signs may be a clue.
Sometimes the meltdown comes out of the blue when you have no expectation that it's going to occur, that it's out of proportion to the situation. It takes everybody by surprise. Often what occurs is that it's very intense, but brief. What you have to go through is a program on emotions and anger management for that child so that they can telegraph their anger before hand in more constructive ways.
I use what I call “constructive destruction” or “recycling”. One child I worked with had major problems with his mood swings, which seemed to go up and down quite phenomenally and included periods of severe anger. But when he was coming up to those periods of anger, he had cans to crush, telephone directories to tear up, and all sorts of things that he “recycled” because he was fascinated by the environment, geography and recycling. He was able to be channeled to do that and feel better, having done that sort of “emotional vomit” to get it out of his system.
Anger is a serious issue because kids can get expelled from school for it. They may be okay with their schoolwork, they may be reasonably coping with their social life, but if you have one or two periods of anger, especially if somebody is hurt, then you're often excluded from school. And there are a number of Aspergers children that, due to one or two episodes where they were teased or bullied, the anger and the intensity of it gets everybody frightened about the situation. So there are areas in anger-management that need to be gone through, but really it requires someone with expertise in both Aspergers and emotions.
Children with Aspergers often exhibit different forms of challenging behavior. It is crucial that these behaviors are not seen as willful or malicious; rather, they should be viewed as connected to the child’s disability and treated as such by means of thoughtful, therapeutic, and educational strategies, rather than by simplistic and inconsistent punishment or other disciplinary measures that imply the assumption of deliberate misconduct.
Specific problem-solving strategies, usually following a verbal rule, may be taught for handling the requirements of frequently occurring, troublesome situations (e.g., involving novelty, intense social demands, or frustration). Training is usually necessary for recognizing situations as troublesome and for selecting the best available learned strategy to use in such situations.
Here are two very important suggestions on how to approach behavioral management in children with Aspergers:
1. Helping the Aspergers child make choices—
There should not be an assumption that the Aspergers child makes informed decisions based on his own set of elaborate likes and dislikes. Rather he should be helped to consider alternatives of action or choices, as well as their consequences (e.g., rewards and displeasure) and associated feelings. The need for such a set of guidelines is a result of the child’s typical poor intuition and knowledge of self.
2. Setting limits—
A list of frequent problematic behaviors such a preservations, obsessions, interrupting, or any other disruptive behaviors should be made and specific guidelines devised to deal with them whenever the behaviors arise. It is often helpful that these guidelines are discussed with the child in an explicit, rule-governed fashion, so that clear expectations are set and consistency across adults, settings and situations is maintained. These explicit rules should be not unlike curriculum guidelines.
An effort should be made to establish guidelines for limit setting so that parents do not need to improvise on the spur of the moment, thus possibly triggering the child’s oppositionality. When listing the problematic behaviors, it is important that these are specified in a hierarchy of priorities so that the parent and the child can concentrate on a small number of truly disruptive behaviors.
"I have a 6 y.o. son (high functioning autism). When he gets upset, he throws his head back and hits his head on the floor or anything he is near. I am so worried about him. He also won't play with other children, he throws things at them ...it's so hard! He is starting to have these fits at school as well. He also seems somewhat depressed a lot of the time. We didn't have these issues prior to elementary school. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated. I just want my happy child back."
Unfortunately, anger and depression are both issues more common in ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) than in the general population. Part of the problem stems from a conflict between longings for social contact and an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships.
Even very young kids on the autism spectrum seem to know that they are not the same as other kids, and this gets emphasized in the social arena of the classroom. Many cases of depression, in fact, begin in elementary school (usually due to bullying and being an "outcast"). Anger, too, stems from feeling out of place and being angry at one’s circumstances in life.
Ideally, the focus should be on prevention and on helping HFA children develop communication skills, social skills, and develop a healthy self-esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger or depression.
Anger outbursts can also occur when rituals can’t get accomplished or when the child's need for order or symmetry can’t be met. Frustration over what doesn’t usually bother others can lead to anger and violence. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having one's needs met.
Communication and friendship skills can be taught to HFA children, teenagers, and even grown-ups. Mastering these skills can eliminate much of the social isolation these individuals feel. These skills can also avert - or reverse - depression and anger symptoms. (Click here for more information about helping with friendship skills.)
In worst case scenarios, some kids on the spectrum become so depressed that they may commit suicide (usually in adolescence). Others become angry enough that they get violent and hurt - or kill - others as a result. The challenge becomes recognizing these individuals (who are the exception by the way) before they do harm to self or others and getting them into therapy so that tragedy can be avoided.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
• Anonymous said...I'm so sorry. I wish there was a special place for our high functioning kiddos because they are more aware of the social stimulation and expectations around them. My son was forever changed by school expectations!! The anxiety and stimulation is just too much....look for options or try medication for anxiety. That is what helped my son. He started hiding in bushes and refusing to return to class in second grade. It is frustrating getting phone calls from school! I feel for you. • Anonymous said...Try to get an IEP for him at school ASAP. His stress and depression is likely due to a large amount of forced socialization that didn't occur before Kindergarten. Aspergers children cannot be forced into interaction, they will only melt down if you do. Have your school evaluate your son to see what options are available. If possible, ask his teacher to create a space for him in the classroom that he can retreat to if need be. This will greatly reduce his stress and any risk to other children. My son had similar problems when he started school last year. He had so many suspensions I lost count. He now has a class that he goes to once per week that teaches social skills, and he has improved so much! It is absolutely worth looking into. Contact the school guidance counselor. They will know the appropriate first step in your area. • Anonymous said...Well I would have his meds looked at. It gets harder to get them under control but really needed. Some schools aren't much help.
Every teacher of Aspergers and high functioning autistic (HFA) kids can expect to witness some meltdowns. At school, there are predictable situations that can be expected to trigger meltdowns, such as transitions between activities, on the school bus, getting ready to work, interactions with other kids, directives from the teacher, group activities, answering questions in class, individual seat work, and the playground.
Characteristics of Meltdowns in Aspergers and HFA Kids—
All young kids from time to time will whine, complain, resist, cling, argue, hit, shout, run, and defy their teachers. Meltdowns, although normal, can become upsetting to teachers because they are embarrassing, challenging, and difficult to manage. On the other hand, meltdowns can become special problems when they occur with greater frequency, intensity, and duration than is typical for the age of the youngster.
There are nine different types of temperaments in these special needs young people:
Distractible temperament predisposes the youngster to pay more attention to his or her surroundings than to the teacher.
High intensity level temperament moves the youngster to yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.
Hyperactive temperament predisposes the youngster to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.
Initial withdrawal temperament is found when kids get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.
Irregular temperament moves the youngster to escape the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.
Low sensory threshold temperament is evident when the youngster complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others.
Negative mood temperament is found when kids appear lethargic, sad, and lack the energy to perform a task.
Negative persistent temperament is seen when the youngster seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining.
Poor adaptability temperament shows itself when kids resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities.
Prevention for Teachers of Students on the Autism Spectrum—
It is much easier to prevent meltdowns than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing meltdowns in the classroom:
Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”
Change environments, thus removing the youngster from the source of the meltdown. Say, “Let’s read a book.”
Choose your battles. Teach kids how to make a request without a meltdown and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that pencil nicely and I’ll get it for you.”
Create a safe environment that kids can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your classroom so kids can explore safely.
Distract kids by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”
Do not ask kids to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to study now?” Say, “It’s study time now.”
Establish routines and traditions that add structure. Start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.
Give kids control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the youngster can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, work on reading or writing?”
Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the youngster’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
Keep a sense of humor to divert the youngster’s attention and surprise the youngster out of the tantrum.
Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if kids are not ready to use them safely.
Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the youngster’s developmental level so that the youngster does not become frustrated.
Reward kids for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to meltdowns, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”
Signal kids before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn in your work.”
When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the youngster beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”
Intervention for Teachers of Aspergers and HFA Students—
There are a number of ways to handle a meltdown. Strategies include the following:
• Avoid shaming the youngster about being angry. Kids in healthy families are allowed to express all their feelings, whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. They are not criticized or punished for having and expressing feelings appropriately, including anger.
• If the youngster has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the youngster to time-out. In school warn the youngster up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the youngster refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.
• Learn to deal with your own and others' anger. When teachers discipline out of anger or with expectations that are inappropriate for the age of their youngster, they often make mistakes in the way they react. The place to begin is with ourselves. When we feel calm, we can model effective anger and conflict management.
• Maintain open communication with your student. Consistently and firmly enforce rules and explain the reasons for the rules in words your student can understand. Still, you can listen well to his protests about having to take a test or measles shot.
• Notice, compliment and reward appropriate behavior. Teaching your student to do the right things is better (and easier) than constantly punishing bad behavior. Kids who get a steady diet of attention only for bad behavior tend to repeat those behaviors because they learn that is the best way to get our attention, especially if we tend to be overly authoritarian.
• Remain calm and do not argue with the youngster. Before you manage the youngster, you must manage your own behavior. Yelling at the youngster will make the tantrum worse.
• Talk with the youngster after the youngster has calmed down. When the youngster stops crying, talk about the frustration the youngster has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the youngster new skills to help avoid meltdowns such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the youngster how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
• Teach kids about intensity levels of anger. By using different words to describe the intensity of angry feelings (e.g., annoyed, aggravated, irritated, frustrated, angry, furious, enraged), kids as young as 2 1/2 can learn to understand that anger is a complex emotion with different levels of energy.
• Teach understanding and empathy by calling your student's attention to the effects of his or her actions on others. Invite the youngster to see the situation from the other person's point of view. Healthy kids feel remorse when they do something that hurts another. Authoritative discipline helps them develop an internal sense of right and wrong. Remember, a little guilt goes a long way, especially with an Aspergers youngster.
• Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the youngster’s frustration, this youngster’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the meltdown.
• Try to discover the reason for your student's anger or meltdown. What does he or she want and is not getting? The reasons kids have meltdowns vary: to get attention, get someone to listen, protest not getting their way, get out of doing something they do not want to do, punish a teacher for going away, for power, for revenge, from fear of abandonment, etc. Let the youngster know the behavior is unacceptable. Talk calmly.
• Try to intervene before the youngster is out of control. Get down at the youngster’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
• You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the youngster calms down, give the attention that is desired.
• You can place the youngster in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the youngster goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.
• You can positively distract the youngster by getting the youngster focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.
Post-Tantrum Management—
Do not reward the youngster after a tantrum for calming down. Some kids will learn that a meltdown is a good way to get a treat later.
Explain to the youngster that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.
Never let the meltdown interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the youngster.
Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums.
Teach the youngster that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.
Beyond the Tantrum Stage—
Most tantrums and angry outbursts come and go as Aspergers and HFA kids and youth grow in their ability to use language and learn to solve problems using words. But occasionally, fits of temper and violence persist into elementary school and may signal serious problems. Sometimes there are biological sources of anger that require diagnosis by a physician or psychologist.
If someone is getting hurt or if you use the suggestions listed in this fact sheet and nothing seems to work, it is time to get professional help. Ask a physician, school guidance counselor or psychologist for names of those skilled in working with autistic kids on anger issues. Or, check the yellow pages under counselors, for psychologists and marriage and family therapists who specialize in autism-related behavioral problems.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
