Aspergers and Sibling Issues

Question

Our youngest son has been diagnosed with Aspergers and demands a lot of our attention. What can I do to reassure his two elder sister's that we're not neglecting them?

Answer

Explaining Aspergers (high functioning autism) isn’t easy no matter who you are talking to. It’s not something that can be described in a single sentence. There are problems, because you cannot tell just by looking at someone whether or not they have Aspergers. Also, because the causes of Aspergers are yet to be clearly identified, it can sometimes be difficult convincing people that the condition actually exists.

You could try explaining to older kids that children with Aspergers basically have problems in three major areas of interest. This is usually part of the criteria for diagnosing Aspergers. These areas are:

1. Imagination—This is the ability to think about things that aren’t real. Kids with Aspergers tend not to be interested in games that involve pretending to be someone else (like cops and robbers). Some kids with Aspergers can be very interested in things that aren’t interesting to other kids or exclude social interaction. They may like collecting items that seem dull or unusual to us.

2. Social Understanding—This means knowing what to do when you are with other people. Children with Aspergers have difficulty understanding social relationships. They do not understand all the rules involved in social relationships. As we grow up, we learn how to behave appropriately in certain situations, for example we learn not to say things to people like “you look fat” (unless we are deliberately trying to be hurtful). A person with Aspergers usually doesn’t mean to be rude, even though it can sometimes appear so. It’s because their understanding of how to behave is confused.

3. Social communication—This means knowing what to say to other people and understanding the meaning of what they are saying to you. Just imagine how many times a day the basics of social communication come into your youngster’s life; at the shops, at home, at school, in the street. Children with Aspergers can have problems when talking to other people as they can take things people say literally. An example would be if you say to someone with Aspergers “I laughed my head off” – they may become alarmed believing that your head really did come off of your body. It can be very hard for children with Aspergers to understand when someone is joking, and that is why they may become angry or upset by something you have said that wasn’t meant to be hurtful.

Aspergers and Anti-Social Behavior

Question

My son is 14 with ADHD and aspergers. My housing association wont recognise this and want an ASBO placed on him, otherwise an Injuction placed on myself to take full responsibility for my sons anti-social behaviour. Surely this cannot be possible and so unfair on my son and myself. What can I do? Any ideas please...

Answer

For many moms and dads of kids with Aspergers (high-functioning autism), coping with violent and aggressive behavior can be a very difficult challenge indeed. Aggressive behavior occurs for a reason, just as it would with any other kid. No child ever really just "acts out" for no apparent reason whatsoever. The key is in the words "apparent reason." There is ALWAYS a reason, but the major challenge for the mother or father is often working out what that reason is.

Inappropriate behavior, whether mild or severe, generally occurs in order to:

1. Avoid something - for example, the youngster may become aggressive and shout before getting on the school bus because he wants to avoid going to school.
2. Get something - for example, she may lash out at another child because she wants to get the toy that the other child is playing with.
3. Because of pain - for example, he may show a range of challenging behaviors to his mom and dad because he is experiencing some physical pain (e.g., headache, earache, etc.).
4. Fulfill a sensory need - for example, the youngster may lash out or shout in the classroom if it is too noisy, busy, bright, hot, or strong in a particular smell.

So, the first step in reducing or eliminating this behavior is to determine the need that it fulfills by looking at the four categories above.

The second step is to teach the Aspergers child a replacement behavior, which he can use to communicate what he wants or doesn't want. It may even involve using some of the child's obsessive or self-stimulating behaviors (e.g., hand-flapping, rocking, pacing, etc.) as a replacement behavior, which would be far less intrusive to others than aggressive behaviors -- but still serve the same purpose. 

A replacement behavior could also be about encouraging the youngster to express her feelings or negotiate verbally. For other kids on the autism spectrum, they may communicate through more creative methods (e.g., emotion cards, drawing, using symbols, "talking" through a puppet, etc.). 

The process of finding effective replacement behaviors takes time. Initially, depending on the behavior, parents (and teachers) may not have time. If the behavior is severe, then parents need to remove the youngster from whatever situation he is in at the time. Simply insisting that the child stop the behavior and participate in whatever is occurring will not benefit him or the parent -- unless he is removed from the situation first.

Maintaining your youngster's routine will also go a long way towards reducing the need for inappropriate or aggressive behavior. Routine is a great source of stability and comfort for kids with Aspergers.

So, just to recap, the two critical factors for coping with your youngster's aggressive and violent behaviors are:

1. Identify the real cause of the behavior from the four main categories mentioned above.
2. Teach the youngster to communicate the real cause of the behavior to you in a less harmful manner.

Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Aspergers Children and Anger Control Problems

Question

My 21 year old son is very fidgety, interrupts while I'm speaking with him and has basically lost all his friends over the years. He gets mad about things (like why we circumcised him when he was a baby) that normally would not bother anyone. If something goes wrong in his life (which seems to be a daily occurrence), it is someone's fault. He went from being a popular child to being a loner. I had him move in with his dad because he kept starting fights with his younger brother - obsessing that his younger brother was gay and that he would beat the crap out of him if he found that out. It just seems he is getting worse now. Years ago I had taken him for counseling and they said he was depressed and was very "sensitive" to what was going on. However, this sensitivity has gotten into the danger point where you never know what might set him off. Since he is 21 it is next to impossible to get him to see anyone (no insurance) but he has admitted to my mother that he needs help. He just explodes sometimes and then will apologize after the fact but the explosions are getting more and more. Is he emotionally unstable?

Answer

You are referring to anger-control problems and low-frustration tolerance – also called “meltdowns.” These meltdowns are especially common in Aspergers (high functioning autism) children and teens (or in your case, a young adult-child). Some families have learned how to prescribe behavior to prevent meltdowns:

• Look directly at your child who is about to have a major meltdown.
• Give your child permission to have a major meltdown. For example say, "Jon, I know you usually have a meltdown when this happens and I want you to know that it is ok for you to do that now."
• Prescribe the behaviors that your child usually does in this situation when agitated. You'll continue talking after telling your child it is ok to have a meltdown and list what the child normally does. "Jon, when you are feeling this way, you usually start swearing, kicking, screaming, and blowing snot – so go ahead and get started."
• Let your child think about what you said. If your child is truly oppositional, then he will refuse to do what you prescribed. If your child does it, that's ok, you gave permission. Eventually, doing this will help your child learn self-control.

Do you have an Aspergers child who doesn't do well with transitions? Does he have a meltdown at the slightest provocation or change in schedule? Does he kick, punch, destroy property, swear, and runaway when upset?

Click ==> Here’s help in dealing with Aspergers meltdowns...

Do you have tips for toilet training a young child with Asperger’s?

Question

Do you have tips for toilet training a young child with Asperger’s?

Answer

Toilet training your child with Asperger’s will most likely be difficult for you as a parent. If you have potty trained an older child, you will find this experience likely to be very different. Methods that work with some children are typically based on a child’s desire to please the parent and often based on a reward system. Many parents have relied heavily on ‘the M&M method’ or the ‘shoot the Cheerios in the bowl’ trick. These are not typically effective with children with Asperger’s, as children with Asperger’s don’t tend to have the same desire to please and have a more difficult time changing behaviors.

With children with Asperger’s, it can be effective to try to change only one behavior at a time. Concentrate on teaching a child to either pee or poop in the potty, not both at the same time. Watch your child to see if you see signs that your child is aware of needing to use the toilet. If he is aware of his need, it is time to start training.

Many parents find Social Stories helpful during potty training. These are short, pictorial guides designed to storyboard the potty process. Talking through these with your child can help familiarize him with the process of using the toilet. These stories should contain information about feeling the need to use the potty through flushing the toilet and washing your hands. You will need to repeat these Social Stories often, and understand that the potty training process take some time.

Establish a routine around using the potty for your child. This will help the child with Asperger’s feel more comfortable with the toilet training process. Look to see if your child has any fears about using the potty that need to be addressed. Look to see if your child has a degree of comfort and ability in manipulating his own clothing. Can he pull down his own pants? Can he work the button or snap on his pants? If he is comfortable with these things, use them in helping him establish his potty routine.

Maria Wheeler has created a good book on toilet training called, “Toilet Training for Individuals with Autism & Related Disorders.” This comprehensive toilet training guide contains two hundred toilet training tips and over forty case studies with solutions. Reading this book will give you not only helpful tips, but also some real life examples of how those tips worked for people.