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COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for April, 2017]

Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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After 3 years of frustrating school situations turning into home situations, I find myself at my wits end figuring out where to start. I started researching Asperger's without much direction. We came across a teacher for 2nd grade who used (the symptoms listed) to chastise and leave my son out of so many school activities making them so much harder than necessary and starting our snowball of an utter distaste for school all together (with the help of the principal...who is no longer there). (all the while coupled with enuresis both nocturnal and diurnal) I didn't think it could get worse but 3rd grade led to an even worse year and larger distaste for going to school all together and another teacher who made it her mission to be mean to him and she was not even his classroom teacher. After the horrible dealings with the school, I moved him to a different school in hopes for a change. Things are a bit better where he does not hate school but he really has no friends, he is not good at catching a ball so football, basketball, baseball are all hard for him and that's what boys do is play. We are not big into buying video games but I am thinking that might be the only "skill" he might be able to gain. Don't get me wrong, he loves art but has the I can't attitude with almost everything. He wants to learn to cook (and I am trying) but has a hard time trying to make ramen or mac and cheese, plus he has become very picky about foods. He wont wear jeans but wants to ride horses ( we can not really accommodate that but occasionally do let him go on a ride). He is picky about clothes. He does not like to follow any kind of routine (lacks hygiene etc unless its an argument). I have an alarm set for every 2 hours to remind him to go to the bathroom but can not do that at school. I am beginning to wonder if Asperger's and the enuresis are related. The school refused to test him stating that lower functioning kids needed access to those funds and he would be taking away from them because he is high functioning. It has lead I believe to a delay in his education which became apparent in 2nd grade to me. His 4th grade teacher now really works hard on one skill at a time for him to achieve before moving forward but writing is definitely difficult. After begin left behind at the other school and learning that I can't gets you out of doing work, he is struggling. he is in the GT program but cant do a science fair project, does not like to read any more, cant pick a hobby....the list goes on. I feel like I am failing as a parent and do not know where to turn. Both boys ( i have 2) were in therapy for a different reason and she quit seeing them suggesting that I take more parenting classes since they just enjoy misbehaving. Neither of them have officially be diagnosed with Asperger's although that is where my searching has led me. My second son was doing ok socially but I am seeing horrible tantrums with him, and many kids not wanting to be his friend -- things always have to be his way, he always has to win, he has started stealing little things and my husband is not really on board with much. We definitely work too much to have much one on one time with them but I am beginning to think that I need to quit my job and we need to restructure our parenting to start accommodating the possibility that these two will never be able to function alone in society, hold down good jobs, be responsible with money, know how to cook, etc unless we make some MAJOR life changes and I do not even know where to start. After all of that......

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Dear Mark,

I recently discovered your blog and was wondering if you would be willing to share information about a survey for parents and family caregivers with your readers?  The survey is for parents and family caregivers of teens and young adults (ages 13-25) with a developmental disability, intellectual disability, or autism spectrum disorder (including Asperger's).

The survey asks about caregivers’ experiences and wellbeing. I'm a graduate student at Illinois Tech and my advisor, Dr. EJ Lee, and I hope that by learning more about the experiences of families during their youth’s transition to adulthood that we can help better inform the supports available. 

The survey takes 25-45 minutes to complete and twenty $30 gift cards will be raffled off for participants. The survey is open through April 15, 2017.

The survey link is:

https://iitcop.az1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_eRIMY2nvUDozzox

Thank you in advance for your help! Please email me with any questions.

Thank you! 
Best,
Melissa

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Hello Mr Hutten

I have been looking at your website and videos and am hoping that some of your books etc would be able to help us with our son, Nathan. He is 6 and is - I think - high functioning autistic. He's been diagnosed, but nowadays they just rubber stamp kids with ASD, although the paediatrician said at our first meeting that he's clearly high functioning. He's very intelligent (his reading is amazing) and is advanced in maths. He's at a special school, at which he is doing well.

The problems we have are that although he has a good, wide vocabulary, he doesn't use it properly. He can't converse and has no interest in two-way conversation. It's almost impossible to engage him in anything he's not interested in, or for that matter anything you want him to do. For instance, he wouldn't pay attention long enough to learn a board game or for us to explain how something works. Sometimes he will launch into a great long diatribe 'at you' about a variety of subjects, observations, what people are doing, what's happening on a TV programme he's watching or a game he's playing, and he'll keep looking at you as if to say 'are you getting this?' but most of the time you can't even get an answer out of him as to what he wants for tea. It ends up being multiple choice, from which he picks one of the choices - which are very limited anyway! Either that or it's 'would you like a cake, yes or no?' to which he'll say 'yes' or 'no'. He's obsessed with electronic devices and always has been, which I don't think helps. He won't sit with us in the kitchen for family meals and eats only in the sitting room.

He's also very inflexible and has tantrums if things don't go his way - if we leave the park too soon for his liking, or if we can't go one day when he wants to. However, he can follow instructions (e.g. please pass me that camera', 'eat your apple please, it's nearly time for bed') and he's not particularly sensitive to sound, touch or other stimuli. He doesn't really stim, and he does have a sense of danger. Meltdowns are very rare, but tantrums aren't!

With this brief outline, I wondered which of your books/forums etc. would be best to address his problems, to get him to talk with us, increase his interactive attention span and improve his behaviour.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully gaining some success with your programmes.

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Dear Mr. Hutten,

My name is Annabelle. I am a 17 year old student from Maryland, and I think my mother has ASD. The weight of living with a parent who has this disorder has come crashing down on me recently, and I'm absolutely desperate for a solution. I was incredibly disappointed to find that not many other people share my experiences, so not much research has been done in terms of support for parents with ASD, and more importantly the children and teenagers affected by problematic parenting.

I read your article, and so far it has been the only useful information I've found regarding my situation. I noticed it was written more than 10 years ago, and what little information I've found on the subject is just as old, so the reason for me contacting you is to ask what can I do? Are there support groups for people like me? Will my mother ever be the parent I need her to be, and if so how can it be done?

I feel stupid saying that I'm psychologically damaged as a result of my mother's parenting, but the reality of how bad it really is has gotten to me and I'm at the end of my rope. There are a million details I could send to you to help you better understand the situation, but the big picture is that I need help and I think that you're the only person who understands parents with ASD enough to give me the answers I need. None of the therapists I've had in the past have ever acknowledged that my mother is a problem, and the one I have currently realizes that there's something wrong with her, but she doesn't have the knowledge to help.

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this, and if there's anyone I can contact to contribute to research on this topic please let me know.

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Hello Mr Hutten,


I am having a problem with my son who is 25 years old.  He is currently unemployed  and frustrated with life. I think he is also depressed at times
 He went abroad at 18 and did not complete his education. Since then his life has not been the same. He sleeps ,lime and does nothing constructive. He claims he wants to be an athlete
but does not want to work hard for anything.He still lives at home  and expects everything to be given to him
He blames me for any failure he may have in life and is verbally abusive when i try to encourage him to change.
I am getting very uncomfortable being around him and  not sure what to do.



Presently I left the house for a couple days because I was beginning to feel afraid and stressed out.


Can you advise on this at all? Hope you can help.

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Hello Mark,
My situation is complex in that my youngest son is 17.  He lives with his mother, brother and sister. His mother and I are divorced now 10 years. I cannot afford to live in the area where they are, forcing me to live with my mother 50 miles away. My son Alex is very distant towards me. He will never pick up my phone calls to speak to me. He will answer an occasionally text saying he's busy with his friends and can't talk. I travel up there on the weekends to see them but they all three are never around or do not wish to make any plans due to work and friends. Alex is my main concern because of his distant attitude. He also has fits of anger and if you try to discuss anything with him he will just either shutdown, storm off or just ignore you. There are many more details, but for now these are the main points. I need to talk to my son and try to bond with him, but I can't do this if he refuses to see or speak to me and it's been such a long time that I really don't know where or how to begin or what to say. By the way, I'm receiving no support from his mother as long as he listens to her, when the anger begins then I might get a phone call from her. I'm hoping your program will help me and any advice that you could offer.
Most grateful parent

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Hi Mark
I am from England, UK and been watching your YouTube videos for a while now. I have been married for nearly 6 years now.

My husband is very intelligent, has excellent memory, insight and knowledge of many things and is fantastic with his hands. He can build and fix just about anything from cental heating to cars to boilers to computers. He is a dentist by trade and does well at his job.

During our engagement period, he would send me the most sweetest and caring messages, give me his time and clearly enjoy my company. There was no physical contact or sex before marriage due to cultural/religious reasons.

After marriage our honeymoon was pretty normal except we didnt manage intercourse. There was alot of physical contact but intercourse did not happen.

This became the main cause of friction. After almost 2 years and after seeing several therapists of sorts we managed intercourse (on the instruction of the therapist) and subsequently had a child. During pregnany i realised what a mess i was in. I felt trapped. I felt cheated and deceived. I felt my husband only managed penetration because the therapist said i had a right to ask for divorce if we went back the next day without managing it. It felt totally fake and horrible. And  a massive amount of bitterness had built up by this stage.

I spent many nights laying in bed feeling totally devasted, lonely, frustrated and dead. My husband would spend all night downstairs often falling asleep on the sofa till morning. Then he would get up and go to work. And then this would repeat.

I walked away several times, cried, screamed, begged. Its like i was just talking to a brick wall. He was empty. Hollow eyes. Often closed his eyes when I spoke. No response or very little. No words of comfort. No reassurance. No explanations. The only time he really seemed to stir was when i walked away back to my parents. He would come for me begging. Crying. And i went back each time.

There were some good moments but each was coloured by this huge elephant in the room.

He used to tell me how self sufficient he was and liked to be. He didnt need me in anyway not in the traditional sense of keeping the house and cooking or any sexual or emotional way ofcourse. He was very private. Told me he wished he could switch me on and off. Told me he keeps me at an arms length and doesnt let me in. I always felt something was majorly wrong, off, odd. But he kept saying he didnt know why the relationship was the way it was. My head felt like it was exploding.

2 years on from our child being born, as I was spending time away at my parents he told me he thought he had ADHD and booked to see the doctor. This was a shock to me but also a relief. Like we had crossed a major hurdle. Like i always knew there was something wrong and now finally we were putting it right. But the doctor put him.off from seeking an official diagnosis for many reasons and since then, a year and half later my husband is reluctant to even go.down that path. After speaking to.someone over the phone, it was suggested to me that more than ADHD my husband may have aspergers. This is when I found you and began reading more. I spoke to my husband about it but he is in mostly denial. He believes if he does have anything it is only a tiny part of this huge mess. Believes that its alot to do with my mood and my inability to be happy and cheerful with him.

We went to see a couples therapist and although that helped us talk whilst we were there and there has been some improvement, we always come back to this. She also was not keen on the label of aspergers or adhd. I just feel like no one understands.

I can literally count the number of times we have had sex in the last 5 and half years. I feel completely  lost, resentful and could say I hate my husband. Wish I had never married him. All I wanted my whole life was a man to be my roots and my wings. To carry me protect me want me need me be attracted to me have desire. I wanted a big family lots of kids. And I feel hes robbed me of it all. I cant even have any more kids because he cant perform the most natural thing between husband and wife. I feel i have no purpose. Im 33 and feel like im getting old to move on to divorce and try marriage for a second time. I feel broken for my child who at age 3 now, is on his own with no siblings. I feel he senses the bitterness and tension. I would hate for him to grow up seeing us like this and yet hate for him to not be in a home with a mum and dad. My husband loves him to bits and is very hands on and good to him. I think it would really effect my son if i walked away because he really loves his dad and spending time.with him. Yet im stuck and trapped. Ive put on so much weight, ive stopped getting 'dressed'. My eating habits are horrendous. I binge eat and comfort eat. My health is all over the place. My faith is down in the dumps. I cant look in the mirror anymore. I hate this life. What i thought i would be couldnt be any more different then what i am. 

But i wake up each day and give my love to my child. Teach him play with him give him the last bit of energy i have.   

What do I do? My husbands tells me he wants me to stay and that he doesnt want a divorce. Ofcourse theres nothing more i want than to make this work. But i cant live like this anymore. Its like i die a bit more each day.

Please is there any advice you can give? I wish I could attend one of your programs.

Thank you so much Mark, in advance. It feels good to let it all out to someone who I know is an expert. You dont know how much it means to me. Sorry for the very lengthy email and any errors in spelling etc.

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Hello Mark, I have subscribed to your online parenting program.
Just to give you a brief histor, I have a 15 yr old daughter; that I adopted, from Vietnam, when she was 3 months old. I am a single parent. She grew up in Italy ( my Mom was Italian) and we moved to the US in 2012, when she was 11 yrs old.
That said, she is now fully fitting with the list of behavioral patterns you list:
Does your child often:
  • lose his temper
  • argue with adults
  • refuse to comply with rules and requests
  • deliberately annoy people
  • blame others for his mistakes and misbehavior

=> Is your child often:
  • touchy and easily annoyed by others
  • angry and resentful
  • spiteful and vindictive

After two years of back and forth in mood swings ( both hers and mine) and other unpleasant issues, I have recently been looking into a summer program , since she has stopped seeing the therapist. I am thinking she might  maybe find the support she needs to be a happier kid. 

The place I am looking into for one month this summer is:

I would really like your input on this idea, since I like your clean straight forward approach. I am trying to put in practice your guidelines,but I know it takes time. Since I am stressed now of her aggressive attitude,  I thought a break could be good for both of us.

Looking forward to your professional input!

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Mark,

I have become familiar with your website and will purchase your ebook, however, I am also looking for resources for my son such as Summer camps and or intensive programs that can help my son.  The issue is that he is high level and I fear sending him to a camp that may have teens who are far more severe on the spectrum.  My son Jay is 16.  He is failing school, he cares about nothing.  He has severe anxiety and depression, and traits of obsessive thinking are causing him anxiety and physical pain.  To the world, he appears normal until one gets to know him and his obsession with Russia, military, Hitler, tanks and other odd things.  He is attractive, but very short fused.   We have truly tried everything from therapy to psychiatry and meds and nothing works.   I feel like I am in a race to get him stable, healthy, and graduated from high school without much time left.   His biological mother emancipated herself from him, and my wife loves him but is not very nurturing towards him, so that presents a set of problems.   For myself, I tend to be overly accommodating, guilty, and enabling.  We now have a difficult teen and a unhealthy house.   The ebook may be a good place to start, but I know I am going to need much more.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

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Hi Mark,
My son is 15 years old and has HFA.  He is very smart, but only for what he finds interesting.  He is a freshman in high school and this is the first year I placed him in a general ed setting.  He has an IEP and also a para 1:1.

In the beginning of the school year his grades were great.  I basically micro-managed him at home and made sure all his work was done.  Homework counts as much as a test in his school.  This was the part that I could "control".  I did him an injustice by basically taking over because he would not know where or when to start any assignment.  I thought I would "help" him and then he would learn from that.  He just got more used to it.  He has told me that it is all my fault and that I should not have helped him from the start and now he can't change until the next school year.  This is a behavior he has which manifests from his having OCD,  His school counselor has told me to let go of the control over homework and that Ryan would see what the consequences would be.  So I did.  I let it go and now he is at risk of failing most of his classes.  He doesn't seem to care.  He has a little arrogance to him when he says that in school he is one of the smartest kids (the teachers are always telling him that he is so smart). The family has been in therapy because of all this.  It has taken a toll on me and it is affecting the rest of the family.  While in therapy, my family is "perfect" and agrees to everything and insures that they will support me and help me with tackling my son's behaviors.  Once home, everything goes back to the way it was.  They all "think" they are helping.  They seem to unintentionally sabotage my assertive parenting.  Although I've asked my husband to do the online sessions, he just says he looked it over.  I have two older daughters too.  They get annoyed at my son and I see them smirk when I use the "assertive parenting".  I am so emotionally done.  I seem to be micro-managing my family and how they should react to my son and then they get mad at me.  I feel the family is in crisis mode, but have already reached out for help and it's not working. I've tried all that I can.  I will continue to work with my son, but have detached myself from the rest of the family, especially my husband.

I cannot figure how to make "consequences" work with Ryan.  If I take it away for a day, he's ok with that and finds something else to do.  I can't possibly take everything away, if he didn't make his bed or put his clothes away.  He "jumps down my throat" as soon as I open my mouth.  He doesn't even wait for me to say anything, or even listen to my tone.  I've tried the "poker" face and calm talking and he's told me he hates my voice like that.  He argues every word with me and I don't know how to "consequence" that.  I've made lists, contracts and everything else suggested.  It works for a day or two and then no one looks at it.  It's hard to do it alone to make it work, but I can't change my husband. I understand that he is tired when he gets home from work.  He has a long commute and we are not young anymore.  We are both in our mid 50s.  My parents were already retired at that age and enjoying life. We are all on a short fuse.  I don't want to become a "therapy" junkie, but it seems to only help me because I can vent about my family.

Sorry this is so long, and not really sure what I am actually trying to ask you.  I know I am not following through, but I guess I "fell off the wagon".

P.S.  Ryan is not abusive in any way and pretty much is an "old soul".  He likes to play the guitar and learn songs.  He loves british rock, watching old tv sitcoms and british comedies.  He is very likeable and people find him interesting.  His disrespect is his answering back to me and my husband.  He does do this to his para too, but then is remorseful to her.  He has no filters and comes across as rude.  He definitely has the social emotional age of a 9-10 year old.

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I am in a long term relationship with someone who has a son with an autism spectrum disorder, Aspergers.
We are about to move in together and he is 22 yrs old and a high school and jr college grad who still lives at home and is unemployed.
My questions are these:
He is physically affectionate with his Mom, to a level that actually makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
He hugs her and hangs on her back repeatedly, which increases in frequency when in larger groups. for example, he may do this 3 or 4 times in a 2hour period
From what I have read, this behavior is counter to most of the experiences of others, who say that their child shies away from physical expressions
I have not shared my uncomfortableness with her because I feel guilty about telling someone that your son hugs you too much for an adult, especially since he has this disorder.
I try to think this through but I cant shake the feeling that it is just over the line of inappropriate social behavior. I know it bothers me when I see it, but then I feel guilty about being bothered by it.
 Can you offer any suggestions? at my wits end

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Hi Mark,
Thank you for all your work on behalf of ASD!
I enjoy your weekly info in my emails.
I probably am ADD but otherwise a neurotypical married 47 years to a man I was told was autistic in 2000 by Rhonda Milrad, a couple's therapist in Beverly Hills associated with SRI.  I had no idea that she was literally sincere. I thought autistic meant retarded & he's anything but...as a mechanical engineer.  Short of it is: do you know of any neurotypical wife married to ASD support groups around los angeles area, more specifically, Glendale to Monrovia, La Crescenta ( where I live) to Burbank, Ca.?
Seriously, I had a whole diatribe written to you of everything I've endured with this man thinking he was the biggest narcissist ever!!!!! Pretty sure my dad had same diagnosis as well as 2 of my husband's brothers & possibly 2 sisters.  But, I just appreciate the info you provided in the ebook though it is all I can download...not the movies😕.  My friend had me read The Rosie Project very recently then the Rosie Effect & I knew for sure I was married to someone w/ASD.  He has 2 nephews w/Aspergers so it's in the family.  Our son had ADHD but is totally different in a good way to my husband & neither of our daughters have it but 1 granddaughter is something on the spectrum but barely.
Anyway, any help with a support group for me would be tremendously helpful!
PS...My busband is 76 & I doubt he will buy into this or remember what Rhonda said because his pat answer to everything is: I'm fine, I like how I am, I don't need to change!!!
SO, I need the support group or a divorce!!!
Thanks for any help,
Conni

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I am sure that you have a lot of parents emailing  you at their wit’s end.  I need some help  with my son.

  • He  is 11.5 years old
  • He is VERY smart  and very literal
  • He is Obsessed  with things,  right now  it’s Pokemon and it’s  him  wanting  the  Nintendo  Switch
  • He has been taken out of our home  for violence and placed in a group home
  • He physically attacks  my husband and I if he is told  no or doesn’t get his way  ( he missed  at  least 50 days before he was  removed about  3 weeks  ago)
  • He  has also  attacked  his  grandmother  that  is not in the  home,  but only lives  a few miles away
  • When he goes to school, he does well, he interacts (in his own way,  he is still  into himself )
  • He has spent 2, 1 week sessions at a psychiatric  hospital,  one in July of 2016 and another February 2017
  • He is currently on Pindolol and Lexapro
  • He is about 230 pounds,  probably 50 pounds were  gained since July 2016 when he was  placed on Abilify,  he was on this med until the February 2017 change to the Pindolol
  • He was just recently diagnosed with autism, testing was done Dec 27th 2016
  • He spent  2  weeks in November 2016 at detention before the  charges were dropped for  domestic violence, this was  before the autism diagnosis. The  next day he was supposed  to go to school, he pushed me down and I took  him  into the police,  they refused to do anything.
  • His violence was getting worse  and worse, he  was  hitting myself and my husband who is  disabled daily
  • CPS is involved and they filed  an abuse/neglect  petition to have him removed from the home an placed in this home where he is  now.  They tried to file  the petition as  delinquency, but  the  prosecutor would not do this  because of his  age and  diagnosis.
  • We are willing to go through  this abuse/neglect petition to get Joe help, but I need it to  be the  right  help! I can’t afford  to have him  gone for months and  not have things get better!  We need a plan in place for when he comes home, we need the rules and consequences set out, in  writing, and he needs to  know this  is coming.  
  • I need help with the rules and consequences that make sense!  Before he was placed  in this residential facility, he would react violently to anything that wasn’t his way,  we would call  the police, they would come which would normally calm things down, but the pattern would repeat.    For example, he would  promise to  go to school the  next day, then refuse in the morning, then act violently towards us,  we would call  the police, he would either calm down and stay home, or  they would take him  into school.  Next day,  same thing.  We are afraid  of him,  he started off  kicking a year ago, now, he will throw anything  he  gets his hands on, hit us with anything he can get  to.   Scream and yell that he is going to  kill  us.  He has  choked  me before.   The bruises are now gone,  since  he has  been out of the home for 3  weeks, but it  was  bad.
  • He is  perfect  at this home, he follows the rules, he is  doing  great with his  school  work. He  is  polite and respectful to the staff.
  • This makes us look like the problem  is  us and  it makes  it  feel like the  problem  is  us!
  • He will say, “ you only hurt the ones you love”

So,  I  am  going  to work through your system with my husband, but we I want to  know  what he should be getting at this place  he  is now.  He gets  a  hour a week  of counseling.  How  can we best  work  with them to make what we are working  on effective for  when he  comes home?   He knows we love him, he knows what he does is wrong, he  says he doesn’t want to do  it, yet, I don’t think the  behavior  will change  easily.   He doesn’t mind  the  separation as much as he should  in my mind, he is fine with living there.  He says he wants  to  come home, but that is mostly to have more  “stuff”.   It’s not that he  misses  us  that I can see.

So?  You have been doing  this longer than I have, I don’t even really know the  questions to ask at  this point!

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We have three children ages 30, 28, 26.  Our two neurotypical kids, a son and a daughter, are married and each have two children and are functioning well with their parenting and employment and marriages.  We are so pleased and happy for them, and we love being grandparents!

I'm going to give you a little background about our son , but I'm not sure you want or need it, so I'll trust you will take it or leave it, and I'll mark my actual question below so that you can get straight to that if you prefer. And I trust you'll let me know what info is helpful, and what isn't in future.

Our son with Asperger's (28) went to a school/residential program at age 21 (at our insistence) and after some trepidation, got into the groove and learned a great deal over the last six years.  He graduated from their facility and though we didn't feel that he was ready for it, they helped him get an apartment and he lived on his own for eight months.

He had a job working at an auto parts store driving deliveries, until he started having anxiety attacks on the freeway.  After months of trying everything we all could think of, the store finally gave him the opportunity to stock shelves instead of driving.  That lasted for several months and then they started scheduling him to drive again.  End of the story is, he has moved home with the hopes that he can look for a job and an apartment closer to us and to his other family members.

His independent living experience started out well and declined to where his social life was nonexistent and he was living on energy drinks, ice-cream, tortillas and frozen pizza.  He's never been overly responsive on his phone and we could go for days trying to reach him to touch base and not hear anything back and wonder if he was well or alive or desperate for help.  We hoped that if he were a bit closer we could at least be close enough to know if he needed assistance or not.

How do we engage our son in a conversation about his future when it seems that he has no concept of what he wants, or believes that he can have or attain in his future?

Now that Brad has been home for about a month, he is less interested in finding a job, doesn't want to meet with the counselor at vocational rehab, doesn't want to drive, or look for an apartment.  He seems to be very frustrated and shuts down (eyes closed and unresponsive) when we bring up his moving to the next step, or figuring out what that next step is.  He is helpful with outside chores, feeding chickens, caring for the dog, mowing lawns, trimming, but isn't caring for his room or bathroom and doesn't follow-through when asked to take care of those things.  He sleeps a lot, watches movies, plays games, listens to reviews, occasionally picks up a book to read. He is amiable and pleasant most of the time and doesn't ever tantrum or meltdown.  He just recedes when he doesn't want to engage in a conversation about his life or goals.

Thank you for listening and for your help!

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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Whilst trying to get answers to some of the riddles I face in trying to understand David (48 years old) I found your site on the internet.
As David hasn't had a formal diagnosis but displays many of the autistic traits mentioned I wanted to ask whether you feel that I might benefit from your expertise in this field. I have been employed to "look after" David on a probationary period of three months. Now half way through this period I am finding it an almost impossible task as he studiously avoids any conversation with me and resorts to writing notes if he has to. His mother passed away 18 months ago and he has only cousins who don't live close by. I would dearly like to be able to help him with his day to day life but have no idea where (or how ) to start. Am happy to pay for your assistance, but just wanted to be sure that dealing with an adult rather than a child would be within the parameters of your counseling.
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Hi Mark,

I am desperate for help! I realize most of your advice revolves around teens, but my ODD daughter is 4, and I need help.

We are fostering-to-adopt my daughter and her infant baby sister. Kate came to live with us last March after an emergency removal from another foster home where there were several older foster children, of varying ages, who all came from various sexual abuse backgrounds. As you can imagine, it was discovered the kids were all perping on each other, and all of the kids were removed and separated in one night.

So, in comes Kate to my husband and I who have no other children. At first everything was perfect, but the more comfortable she got, the worse it became. Now, over a year later, we have gotten through the tantrums and battles of will, but we have one recurring issue: she repeatedly asks other children to pull their pants down so she can "see" their privates.

I demanded Kate be put into counseling when we discovered why the children were all removed, which she saw a very reputable sexual abuse forensic psychologist, who had her for weekly sessions over several months, before dismissing her feeling secure that Kate had never been "perped" on, but we would never know what she may have seen.

She has now been to a second counselor as well after these repeated behaviors who had the same opinion. My problem is- this keeps happening- pretty regularly. She has way more knowledge than a 4 year old should, and I don't know the appropriate way to react.

We have punished her, talked to her, explained to her, modeled appropriate behaviors, and set very clear expectations- nothing has worked. We model everything around safety and have explained that showing and/or looking at private parts is not safe for her or others and have drilled into her what to do if someone asks to look at/touch her private areas.

What can I do here? All of the research says that "correct and early intervention" can help young children of sexual abuse or early sexual knowledge go on to lead "normal" lives, but what do I do when two counselors have dismissed her saying that she's "fine" and doesn't need  counseling? What is the appropriate reaction my husband and I should have?

Please help!

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Good Afternoon Mark,
My name is Mary and I have a son that is 19 years old. His name is Trey. He grew up in mostly a single parent home with grandparents assisting me in raising him and an absentee father. I am now married and Trey has a good relationship with his Stepfather. 
Trey has several issues going on. He was born with Optic Nerve Hypoplasia and is blind in one eye and slightly impaired in the other. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when he was 7 years old after having a neuro-psychological evaluation after we noticed him having difficulties in 2nd grade. As he entered puberty and adolescence he has developed some depression but also some very intense anxiety. He graduated in May of 2016 and wanted to develop an online video game. We knew that he was not ready and very immature to be entering adulthood and therefore told him he had a year to work on this game, and work on his own issues of anxiety and depression etc. He has been seeing a psychiatrist and getting some light medication to help him sleep however his anxiety runs rampant and he is terrified of taking anxiety medication or antidepressants.Needless to say an online video game was not launched and he is still having terrible and crippling anxiety when it comes to the outside world and getting a job etc. 
Trey has said he wants a job and has actually been working with a job coach through vocational rehab here in AL, but we are nearing the interview process and he is freaking out and I am not sure he is going to go or even be able to be around people with his social and overall anxiety. I was just reading about your book launching adult children with Aspergers and am very interested. I realize the techniques involve parents creating accountability and holding the kids accountable etc. My concern is using this on my son who has such tremendous anxiety, and some depression. At the beginning of this year when he was staying home and my parents were checking in on him, I was out of town, he admitted to trying to hang himself. He has mentioned suicide many times as well and I am afraid if I make his life to difficult that he may do it. 
The other issue is that he will not cooperate in taking the meds he probably needs. So I feel very caught in between a rock and a hard place in  launching this kid! 
I am considering more life insurance etc., to provide for him as I do not know what he is truly capable mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel like people in my area do not truly understand his issues or how to help me with him. 
Also, I should mention that my Dad and Trey's Papa just passed away in January unexpectedly and this was the only father Trey has ever known. So it is another layer of difficulty for him right now. 
Can you please give me your best advice as to how to help my son. He seems impossible, he is creating a situation where he refuses the help he needs and I feel like I am running out of options. 
I should note that intellectually Trey is highly intelligent. He has a very high IQ and I believe is pretty brilliant. He is the typical Asperger's kid that is unmotivated, messy, mouthy and difficult though. Also I should mention as I am sure you already know he can be manipulative and as he has gotten older it is harder to distinguish what is manipulation and what his real issues are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's very bright and does well in the public school academically, when he goes to  class, or stays in class,  but suffers from the usual social problems of an Aspergers child. His psychiatrist also does not think his intellect is being sufficiently challenged or developed by the public school curriculum., and because of this he gets frustrated and acts out negatively.  Threatening to harm himself and others.  He also has been diagnosed with ADHD and OHD. 

My son is a Chess King, Lego King, and can hold a conversation with an Adult, (always has been able to), but because of his "issues' he is failing at life. 

I am unable to keep a job, because of absence, leaving early, going in late, and I really want the best for my son.  WE currently live in GEorgia, but I am preparing to relocate to South Carolina, where hopefully, we can get additional assistance for him.


By

Emotional Behavior Disorder in Children on the Autism Spectrum

“My son is 9 years old and he is being very aggressive at home, but mostly in school [before the coronavirus break] - especially with teachers and personnel that intervene with him. I know they don’t put in practice his IEP goals, and he expresses to me how awful the school is for him. Now they are telling me that he has EBD [emotional behavior disorder] and they have been destroying his student record. My son is a great kid and I am learning everyday about high functioning autism, but I am suspecting his school is [was] doing a lot of damage to him. Please help!”

The incidence of aggressive behavior among kids and teens with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s is of great concern. This complex issue needs to be carefully understood by both parents and educators. Parents who witness this behavior are obviously concerned, but they often hope that their child will "grow out of it." However, it should not be quickly dismissed as "just a phase” the child going through. Unless some underlying issues are addressed, aggressive behavior is likely to continue – and worsen.



Faced with a world in which they find it difficult to interact socially, communicate clearly, and control their own behavior, kids on the autism spectrum sometimes respond with aggression. This behavior can include a wide range of behaviors (e.g., use of weapons, throwing objects, threats to hurt others, homicidal thoughts, spitting, pushing, kicking, hitting, explosive temper tantrums, destroying public or personal property, etc.). On the surface, these behaviors may appear to be pure oppositional defiance. But, on closer inspection, it is often discovered that they have more to do with impulsiveness, anxiety-reduction, and low-frustration tolerance – traits that coexist with the disorder.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

To be effective, treatment approaches for violent and aggressive behavior in autistic children need to take the following factors into account:

• Due to difficulties with empathizing, many kids with HFA don't recognize the suffering of others. So, when the attack another person, they may not be able to fully comprehend the damage they inflict (i.e., imagine how the victim feels).

• After just a few years of classroom experience, many children on the spectrum think of themselves as victims due to the fact that they may have been teased, ostracized from the peer-group, bullied, and misunderstood (and perhaps unfairly treated) by teachers. As a result, they may believe that their aggressive behavior is totally justified.

• Due to certain traits associated with the disorder (e.g., mind-blindness, sensory sensitivities, literal thinking, social skills deficits, etc.), many kids with HFA view the world as a cold and hostile place. They may develop a “habit of thought” that attributes hostile intentions to others. This attitude leaves them little choice but to defend themselves (or shutdown and retreat). For example, if another student bumps up against them in the hallway, they may immediately take offense, certain that they were bullied (again). They may have a hard time imagining that perhaps the bumping was just clumsiness on the other student's part. In other words, these “special needs” kids may see the world as an unsafe place in which there are only victims and victimizers, so they may (unconsciously) choose to be one of the latter.

What can parents and teachers do to help? Here are some specific techniques to employ that may reduce or eliminate violence and aggression in the HFA child:

1. Many moms and dads are afraid to discipline an unruly autistic youngster for fear that he (a) is too “fragile,” (b) will hate them for being “unfair,” (c) will have a meltdown, or (d) is simply unable to follow instructions to behave in a certain manner. Your youngster doesn't have to like you – or even love you – but he does have to respect the parent-child relationship and realize that there will be consequences for poor choices. You don't have to be your youngster's friend, but you do have to be his parent.

2. Arrange furniture in a sensible way so that your HFA child can easily maneuver through rooms. If he often tries to escape through a certain door, change the path of the room so that he is unlikely to go near that door. Keep surfaces clear, taking special care to place breakables and dangerous or messy items out of reach. Organize and structure your youngster's living space to minimize frustration. Labels can help him understand where things belong and make him less likely to become overwhelmed or anxious. Also, restrict access to items that tend to cause power struggles.

3. Sometimes stress over not being able to verbalize frustration causes aggressive behavior. For example, if your youngster is angry that he can't button his coat, but is unable to describe how he feels about lacking that skill, he could act out inappropriately. Examining the root problem and addressing it may help to curb angry behavior. Calm reactions on the part of the parent or teacher are important here.

4. Many times, mothers and fathers are quick to make evaluations of their HFA youngster’s unruly behavior (e.g., viewing aggression as nothing more than a childish tantrum). Parents need to revisit their evaluations, because an HFA youngster's violence may be stemming from other issues (e.g., anxiety and/or depression). Don't make judgments until you get to the root of the problem.

5. Sometimes an aggressive youngster knows that if she engages in "divide and conquer" tactics with her parents, she will be able to get her way. However, if mom and dad maintain a united front, then there's strength in numbers, therefore disallowing the child to play one parent against the other.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

6. Sometimes violent outbursts are predictable. For example, due to sensory sensitivities, the child may become upset when wearing a warm winter sweater. Maybe the fabric feels uncomfortable against his skin, or the smell of the drier sheet is offensive to him. Examine every component of a situation that seems to trigger aggressive actions and make the necessary adjustments.

7. Be sure to learn the difference between tantrums and meltdowns. A tantrum is very straightforward and has several qualities that distinguishes it from a meltdown. Unlike a meltdown, when the troubling situation is resolved, a tantrum will end as suddenly as it began. A tantrum is thrown to achieve a specific goal, and once the goal is met, things return to normal, whereas a meltdown will usually continue as though it is moving under its own power and wind down very slowly.

8. There's not a youngster born that doesn't have currency, whether it's toys, clothes, games, or television. Access to this "currency" needs to be contingent upon proper behavior (e.g., if your youngster throws a tantrum in a crowded store, he should not be rewarded with a toy or a coloring book). She needs to (a) understand the consequences of his behavior, (b) be able to predict the consequences of his actions with 100% accuracy.

9. If aggressive behavior has developed suddenly or has gotten worse over time, then investigate to see if your youngster has an allergy. Seasonal or food allergies can cause discomfort that the youngster can't describe, leading to extreme behavior. Other factors to consider are environmental conditions, change in medication, or a change in the home or school setting. In addition, some drugs cause aggression.

10. Be sure that your child’s Individual Education Plan (IEP) has all the proper stipulations. Not all IEPs are created equally; they need to be tailored to the child’s specific needs. There is probably no process as frustrating for parents and teachers alike as the IEP process. If you feel that your child’s IEP is fairly worthless and that school staff is mostly ignoring it, then some significant changes need to be made immediately. There are several common mistakes parents and teachers make when creating an IEP (or going through the IEP process), for example:
  • The IEP contains goals that can’t be measured. This is the most common mistake made when creating IEPs. It is easy to make - and accept - overly generalized goals and achievement objectives and believe they are acceptable. Many IEPs contain goals and objectives like, "...will improve letter recognition." This is a vague goal which can be claimed as "achieved" with very little progress actually having been made. A better goal would be something like, "...will recognize 9 out of 10 random letters shown, 4 out of 5 times." This is specific and measureable.
  • The parent signs the IEP when she doesn't totally agree with it. Never sign an IEP at the meeting, especially if you don't agree with it. A verbal commitment that "we will work out the fine details later" is not binding, but your signature is. Remember that you have three days to review the IEP before signing it. It is always a good idea to take the IEP home and review it one more time, even if you think that everything is fine.  Never feel pressured into signing an IEP! All schools have a due process procedure you can follow that will progressively escalate any complaints you have through the appeals process. If you can’t agree on your IEP, the school should provide you the information and steps you need to begin the due process procedure.
  • The short-term goals will not meet long-term goals. If a specific long-term goal is agreed upon, make sure that the short-term goals adequately support progress towards the long-term goal.
  • The parent fails to review a preliminary IEP. Without a preliminary look at what is being proposed for your HFA youngster, your first opportunity to see the IEP is in the IEP meeting where you are expected to agree to - and sign - the IEP. This puts you in an unfavorable position, because you can feel pressured to agree to items without having time to really think through their implications. Always ask for a preliminary copy prior to the IEP meeting, and never feel like you have to sign at the meeting.
11. When the youngster with a “disorder” is acting out, the family may blame him for the family's dysfunction. Sometimes, parents will bring their disruptive autistic youngster in for treatment. This is the sacrificial lamb for the family's toxicity. Parents need to examine their own behavior, and if need be, the entire family should seek counseling. One child – even one with “special needs” – can’t be responsible for all the problems in the household.

12. Lastly, medication may be needed – especially if the youngster's behavior is hazardous to him or those around him. Medications are frequently used in the management of aggression, and current psychopharmacologic treatment strategies involve treating aggression as part of each particular syndrome. Before prescribing medication for aggression, the clinician should ensure that the child has a medical evaluation to rule out contraindications to treatment and to determine whether the aggressive symptoms might improve without the use of drugs (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy).

Here are a few suggestions specifically for teachers of students with HFA and Asperger’s:

1. Work from the HFA student’s strengths and interests. Find out how he feels about the subject matter, and what his expectations are. Then try to devise examples, case studies, or assignments that relate the subject matter to his interests and experiences.

2. When possible, let the HFA student have some say in choosing what will be studied. Give her options on term papers or other assignments (but not on tests). Let her select which topics to explore in greater depth.

3. Try to promote appropriate social interactions and help the youngster “fit-in” better. Formal, didactic social-skills training can take place both in the classroom and in more individualized settings. Approaches that have been most successful utilize direct modeling and role playing at a concrete level. By rehearsing and practicing how to handle various social situations, the HFA youngster can learn to generalize the skills to naturalistic settings.

4. Try to insure that school staff outside of the classroom (e.g., physical education teacher, bus driver, school nurse, cafeteria monitor, librarian, etc.) are (a) familiar with the HFA youngster's style and needs and (b) have been given adequate training in management approaches. Those less structured settings where the routines and expectations are less clear tend to be difficult for the HFA youngster.

5. There will be specific situations where medication can occasionally be useful. Educators should be alert to the potential for mood problems (e.g., anxiety or depression), significant compulsive symptoms or ritualistic behaviors, and problems with inattention. Occasionally, medication may be needed to address more severe behavior problems that have not responded to non-medical, behavioral interventions.

6. The use of a "buddy system" can be very useful since HFA students relate best 1-1. Careful selection of a peer-buddy for the HFA youngster can be a tool to help build social skills, encourage friendships, and reduce stigmatization.

7. The school counselor or social worker can provide direct social skills training, as well as general emotional support.

8. Realize that the HFA youngster has an inherent developmental disorder which causes her to behave and respond in a different way compared to other students. Oftentimes, behaviors in the HFA student are interpreted as "manipulative" or some other term that misses the point that she responds differently to environmental stimuli. Thus, school staff must carefully individualize their approach for this “special needs” child. It will likely be counterproductive to treat her just the same as her peers.

9. Put as many details as possible into an Individual Educational Plan so that progress can be monitored and carried over from year to year. It can sometimes be helpful to enlist the aid of outside consultants familiar with the management of young people on the autism spectrum (e.g., psychologists, psychiatrists, etc.).

10. Most students with HFA respond well to the use of visuals (e.g., schedules, charts, lists, pictures, etc.).

11. Know that the HFA student usually shows a surprising sensitivity to the personality of the educator. He can be taught, but only by those who give him true understanding and affection. The educator’s underlying emotional attitude influences (involuntarily and unconsciously) the mood and behavior of this “special needs” youngster.

12. Keep teaching fairly concrete. Avoid language that may be misunderstood by the HFA youngster (e.g., sarcasm, confusing figurative speech, idioms, etc.) Try to simplify more abstract language and concepts.

13.  It is very helpful if the HFA youngster can be given opportunities to help other students at times.

14. It is often helpful for the educator and parent to work closely together, because the parent is most familiar with what has worked in the past for the HFA youngster.

15. If motor clumsiness is significant, the school Occupational Therapist can provide helpful input.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

16. If learning problems are present, resource room or tutoring can be helpful to provide individualized explanation and review.

17. Hold high – but realistic – expectations for the HFA child. Research has shown that a teacher's expectations have a powerful effect on a student's performance. If you act as though you expect your “special needs” student to be motivated, hardworking, and interested in the subject matter, he is more likely to be so. Set realistic expectations when you make assignments, give presentations, conduct discussions, and grade examinations. "Realistic" in this context means that your standards are high enough to motivate the HFA child to do his best work, but not so high that he will inevitably be frustrated in trying to meet those expectations. To develop the drive to achieve, the child needs to believe that achievement is possible.

18. HFA students with very high-management needs may benefit from assistance from a classroom aide assigned to them.

19. HFA students can be fairly rigid about following "rules" quite literally. While clearly expressed rules and guidelines (preferably written down) are helpful, they should be applied with some flexibility. The rules don’t automatically have to be exactly the same for the HFA youngster as for the other students, because their needs and abilities are different.

20. Help the HFA student set achievable goals for himself. Failure to attain unrealistic goals can disappoint and frustrate him. Encourage him to focus on his continued improvement, not just on his grade on any one test or assignment. Also, help the child evaluate his progress by encouraging him to critique his own work, analyze his strengths, and work on his weaknesses.




21. Give the HFA student feedback as quickly as possible. Return tests and papers promptly, and reward success publicly and immediately. Give her some indication of how well she has done and how to improve. Rewards can be as simple as saying her response was good, with an indication of why it was good.

22. Efforts should be made to help classmates arrive at a better understanding of the HFA youngster in a way that will promote tolerance and acceptance.

23. Educators should take full advantage of the HFA youngster's areas of special interest when teaching. The youngster will learn best when an area of high personal interest is on the agenda. Educators can also use access to the special interests as a reward to the youngster for successful completion of other tasks, adherence to rules, and meeting behavioral expectations.

24. Educators can take advantage of the strong academic skills that many HFA students have in order to help them gain acceptance with their classmates.

25. Direct speech services may not be needed, but the speech and language clinician at school can be useful as a consultant to the other staff regarding ways to address problems in areas such as pragmatic language.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

26. Classroom routines should be kept as consistent, structured and predictable as possible. Students with HFA usually don't like surprises. They should be prepared in advance for changes and transitions (e.g., schedule breaks, vacation days, etc.).

27. Care should be taken to protect the HFA youngster from teasing and bullying – both in and out of the classroom.

28. Be specific when giving negative feedback. Negative feedback is very powerful and can lead to a negative class atmosphere. Whenever you identify your “special need” student's weakness, make it clear that your comments relate to a particular task or performance, not to the student as a person. Try to cushion negative comments with a compliment about aspects of the task in which the student succeeded.

29. Avoid escalating power struggles. HFA students often don’t understand rigid displays of authority – and will themselves become more rigid and stubborn if forcefully confronted. Their behavior can then get rapidly out of control, and at that point, it is often better for the educator to back-off and let things cool down. When possible, anticipate such situations and take preventative measures to avoid the confrontation through presentation of choices, negotiation, and diversion of attention elsewhere.

30. If you have tried numerous strategies to address aggression in your HFA student to no avail, ask the parent to consider taking the child to a professional for a psychiatric evaluation to determine whether depression, anxiety, or other problems are present. Treatment of these conditions often result in reduced symptoms of aggression.

It is inevitable that you will have the opportunity of working with students on the autism spectrum in your classroom. You will need to make accommodations for some, and modifications for others. Providing for the needs of these young people will certainly be one of your greatest challenges as a teacher. Consider the tips listed above to make the learning process run as smoothly as possible.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said… After years of struggling, took my daughter out in grade 8, home schooled her for the year. Grade 9&10 she did online. She decided to go to high school grade 11&12. She is now in her final year of University graduating with a bachelor of science in Environmental science. I came to realize that school just wasn't as important as her mental well being.
•    Anonymous said… Ask the schools special education department to have him tested. The behavioral specialist is the one who usually does the testing n it should take at least 2 weeks BC the person observes the child as well. I'd call adminstration BC that specialist is the only one that can suggest a diagnosis n it has to be put in their report.
•    Anonymous said… Do you know why he is acting out? What are the triggers? Knowing these will help his behaviour as you can then implement things to help him cope or do some social stories etc. However I agree with everyone else I'd swap schools. Xx
•    Anonymous said… Encourging you to try another school. Did miracle-level wonders for my Aspergers teen & wish we'd done so sooner for him. Mine had an IEP from 2nd to 4th grade, had a good 4th grade year because older male teacher really appreciated his outside the box thinking & encouraged him while setting strict expectations and structure. The kind of teacher we all wish they all were, but unfortunately not. Even with my involvement and guidance, including written materials to enhance their knowledge of his needs, we had ignorant teachers unwilling to accomodate and absolute asshole bully peers & parents. Kids that know they can get away with rottenness toward him because they've been doing it for years. New environment with clean slate did wonders. Wish the same for you..best luck. Hang in there Momma
•    Anonymous said… get all of his records under freedom of information, keep your copies of all IEP's and gete to the head of education, sounds like he needs a change of education setting
•    Anonymous said… He has triggers, u need to watch for them. My sons 9 also n he's violent as well. A lot of times the generic word used is emotional behavior disorder BC not u til they have been seen for a long time
•    Anonymous said… Hire an advocate and force your County public school system to pay for your son to go to an ASD school. That's exactly what I did. A good advocate is well worth it. Believe me!! Best $2000 I could have ever spent on my son's future. My son will NEVER again have to deal with the uneducated and unskilled people within the public school system. YOU are the parent, don't ever let them forget it and try to back you in a corner.
•    Anonymous said… I know this journey all to well. Sometimes, we pray and hope for a better result as the child get older. You may have to seek behavior modification therapy. The teacher can become very exhausted as well. The school has to protect other student's from the violent behavior. You can discuss options with professional services. Perhaps, a smaller setting classroom.
•    Anonymous said… My son 13 has aspergers his school not doing well with his ehcp i feel like i am letting him down he doesnt want to move school and to be honest 8t would only make things worse for him change is not good when he in yr 8 nearly 9 but thats just my son . He is well behaved at school and home mostly just doesnt like to leave his xbox hates shopping lol
•    Anonymous said… Putting a child with special needs in the hands of those who do not understand or accommodate those needs is like sending a person who has a broken leg to an eye doctor.
•    Anonymous said… Same thing happened to me and my kid, I got involved really involved, got to do a meeting with the teachers, and talked to them about what he has , and what he needs, also got to set a plan with the teachers and all of this of course with my kid's Psychiatric psychologists and neurologist advice on paper. Now is not perfect but you can tell they are working on it.... Hard.
•    Anonymous said… They need to do a Functional Behavior Assessment (to find out what causes the behavior)then a Behavior Intervention Plan (to change the behavior). These are both added to the IEP. Ask questions like: What was happening before the behavior started? What did your son see? Was he trying to communicate? What would YOU do differently?
•    Anonymous said… Unfortunatly this is all too common. Not only did the schools insist my son had a behavior problem, one incident when a teacher bent down over him during a meltdown, he swung at her trying to defend himself after a different teacher sat on him. In doing so, he hit her breasts which was the closest thing to him and they tried to claim it was sexual assult..he was 8.
I've since taken him out of school, did one year of "unschooling". He now does online school and the "behavior" has all but gone away.
•    Anonymous said… We changed schools and the phone calls to pick our son up stopped. Only calls I have had in the past 2 years was if he was hurt or sick.
•    Anonymous said… We ended up homeschooling and my only regret was not doing it sooner. Of course we are in a remote area with no other viable options. The school would not acknowledge psychiatric orders.
•    Anonymous said… We moved schools from a well meaning but hugely overcrowded and busy school to a very small rural school and he is doing a lot better. My son soaks up others stress and if he feels overwhelmed then the fight or flight instincts kick in.
•    Anonymous said… Yes, absolutely look around for a school that understand ASD, including knowing how to not let him use it to get out of school. That may sound harsh, but my co-parent and I have been through that. For a couple of years we got called easily two to three times a week to take our son home. He'd learned to use his outbursts to get sent home if he was bored or frustrated. Once we found a school that didn't always call us, he leaned really quickly he could no longer use it as a tool. This was in conjunction with some other improvements as well (imo, it's never just one thing, but multiple factors) that have him doing next, much better. He's now 10, so close in age to your little guy. I don't want anyone to think I believe ALL his outbursts were contrived, far from it. But in addition to real sensory overloads, he'd learned to manufacture them as well. High functioning is a different set of battles.

 Post your comment below...
By

Fight, Flight or Pretend: The 3 Anger Styles in High-Functioning Autistic Kids

“My 8 y.o. son Cory has a diagnosis of autism (high functioning) and has uncontrollable outbursts and aggression when things don’t go his way. He often becomes so distraught that his suffering is palpable. The emotions vivid on his face. His little body tense with distress. Sometimes he will meltdown, at other times he shuts down. Is this just par for the course with autism? Is there anything that can help reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of these behaviors?”

RE: “Is this just par for the course with autism?”

Yes! Many moms and dads recognize that their high-functioning autistic (Asperger’s) youngster has a problem with anger-control. Many feel that their youngster needs to develop some anger-control skills, or needs to find some kind of counseling that will help him get along better in life (e.g., at school, with a parent, with siblings and classmates, etc.). In some cases, professionals have diagnosed a highly-aggressive youngster on the spectrum with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Generally, anger falls into three main categories: 1) Fight, 2) Flight, or 3) Pretend to be “Flighting” (while finding indirect ways to Fight). Most high-functioning autistic kids with anger-control problems will go to either extreme of fight or flight. They tend to become aggressive and hostile, or they withdraw into themselves and become extremely quiet, silently stubborn, and depressed (i.e., a shutdown).

“The Fighters”: Child Anger Turned to Aggression—



The Fighters are pretty simple to recognize. They are aggressive. Many times, the characteristics of high-functioning autistic kids with severe anger-control problems are included in the professional diagnosis for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Some of the warning signs in the following list are taken from the criteria for professional diagnosis. Others are additional common signs of anger-control problems for kids that are Fighters.
  • Uncontrollable fits of rage (usually these tantrums are used as threats to get their way)
  • Seriously violates rules (e.g., at home, in school, or society in general)
  • Seems to have “emotional diarrhea” and “lets it all out - all the time”
  • Physically disruptive (e.g., hitting the parent)
  • Openly and often defiant of requests
  • Often feels rules are “stupid” or don’t apply to them
  • Often demeans or swears directly to parent or others in authority positions
  • Makes threats
  • Loud voice and yelling
  • Initiates fights with others
  • Has left holes in walls and doors from violent outbursts
  • Furious temper
  • Frequently vocalizes anger
  • Does not follow rules
  • Difficulty accepting a “no” answer
  • Destroys property

The “Fighters” have anger-control problems when the problems are creating an unsafe situation for themselves, for others, or for property around them. If parents or siblings are the focus of physical aggression, the problem is extremely critical to address. High-functioning autistic teens who have abused others as kids are at a higher risk of becoming a threat to society than those who have not. Where these warning signs seem to be a part of daily life, intervention is strongly suggested. Intervention can be through anger-control counseling, or through a program dedicated and experienced in working with autistic kids with emotional regulation difficulties.
 

“The Flighters”: Child Anger Turned to Passive Responses—

The Flighters can also be fairly simple to recognize. They are passive. They do not fight back when confronted. Many of their traits may coincide with the diagnosis of depression. Some of the warning signs below are taken from the professional diagnosis for depression, and others are additional common signs of “shutdowns” for Flighters.
  • Tends to spend a lot of time alone
  • Seems withdrawn
  • Seems to hold anger in
  • Seems to have very little emotion
  • Seems depressed
  • Seems “emotionally constipated”
  • Physical problems may include upset stomach, muscle aches, backaches, frequent headaches, or other physical symptoms from “holding it in”
  • May simply “go along” with whatever - even when it is a poor decision
  • May punch holes in walls or kick doors when “the last straw drops”
  • May have few friends
  • May blame self unnecessarily
  • May be seen as a “loner”
  • Holds anger in, then “blows up” suddenly and violently
  • Has difficulty expressing emotions
  • Extremely passive to the point of getting “walked over” by others
  • Does not engage in much conversation
  • Deals with difficult emotions by “cutting” the emotions off

The “Flighters” are in danger of destroying themselves emotionally from within. They are like a balloon being constantly blown into with no release valve. When they explode, their anger may be violent, and may lead to harming themselves, harming others, or destroying property. Internalized anger is potentially as destructive to a youngster as aggressive anger.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
 
“The Pretenders”: Child Anger Silently Planning Revenge—

Perhaps the most difficult to detect, the Pretenders follow an anger style that seems to be calm on the surface, but is raging, scheming, and planning underneath. They are passive-aggressive. These kids do not directly confront the anger as a Fighter would do. They will be passive and appear to accept what is said, and then will disregard what is said to do their own thing. They are sneaky. Often, they may be unnoticed. While they are giving a person a hug, they are also stabbing them in the back (so to speak). They lack the courage to be direct, and perfect the skills to be deceitful. They know where the “back door” to revenge is, and will use it often. They will give the appearance of a Flighter. The list of Flighter traits also applies to them. Some additional traits to look for with Pretenders are as follows:
  • Tends to sabotage
  • Tends to avoid direct conflict while creating problems in other areas
  • Sneaky behaviors
  • Often gets caught in lies
  • May not admit mistakes
  • May be very good at blaming others
  • Inconsistency between what is said and what is done

High-functioning autistic kids who try to manage their anger through the Pretender style are as potentially dangerous to others and themselves as the other styles. Moms and dads tend to underestimate the Pretender style, because the danger does not seem to be as bad as the aggressive Fighter.

The Hostility Cycle—

From an anger-control perspective, an episode of anger can be viewed as consisting of three phases: escalation, explosion, and post-explosion. Together, they make up the hostility cycle. In this process, the escalation phase is characterized by cues that indicate anger is building. These cues can be physical, behavioral, emotional, or cognitive (thoughts). If the escalation phase is allowed to continue, the explosion phase will follow. The explosion phase is marked by uncontrollable anger displayed as verbal or physical aggressiveness. The final stage of the hostility cycle is the post-explosion phase, which is characterized by negative consequences resulting from the verbal or physical aggression displayed during the explosion phase.

The intensity, frequency, and duration of anger in the hostility cycle varies among children. For example, one high-functioning autistic youngster’s anger may escalate rapidly after a provocative event and, within just a few minutes, reach the explosion phase. Another youngster’s anger may escalate slowly but steadily over several hours before reaching the explosion phase. Similarly, one child may experience more episodes of anger and progress through the hostility cycle more often than the other. Despite differences in how quickly the anger escalates and how frequently anger is expressed, the child will undergo all three phases of the hostility cycle.
 

The intensity of the high-functioning autistic youngster’s anger also may differ. One child may engage in more violent behavior than the other in the explosion phase (e.g., he may assault someone). Another child may express his anger during the explosion phase by shouting at or threatening parents. Regardless of these individual differences, the explosion phase is synonymous with losing control and becoming verbally or physically aggressive.




RE: “Is there anything that can help reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of these behaviors?”

Absolutely! Here are some crucial strategies to help teach your son more constructive ways to deal with anger and frustration:

1. When Cory becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Every time he acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to him that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help Cory recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).

2. Use books and social stories about anger to help your son understand and manage it. Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate a youngster's feelings and give information about anger. It is important to preview all books about anger, because some stories teach irresponsible anger-control.

3. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).

4. Use feeling words to help Cory understand the emotions of others (e.g., “Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely” …or “When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed”).

5. Train your son to respond to your "signal" (e.g., a hand motion) to stay calm. Give that signal as soon as he starts "stewing" about something. Alternatively, you can use distraction as soon as you notice him exhibiting an anger sign. If he refuses to be distracted or engaged in dialoguing about his anger and starts yelling, stomping or breaking an object, impose appropriate consequences. But, have these consequences in place ahead of time to serve as a guideline. That means that you have discussed them beforehand and written them out for future reference. Armed with a list of consequences (which preferably consist of withdrawing privileges or charging your son a "penalty"), encourage him to choose such alternatives as doing something else, walking away, or talking about the anger rather than acting it out.
 

6. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As a parent, you are Cory's main guide in life. He relies on you to be there with him through his difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with Cory and incorporate other methods mentioned in this post (e.g., work on breathing with him, ask him questions about his feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with Cory to help him through his emotions. Remember, you are teaching him social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some autistic kids are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.

7. The thought "It's not fair" is a big anger-arouser for many high-functioning autistic kids. If that is the case, ask your son, "Do you feel you are being treated unfairly?" When he answers the question, listen and don't rush to negate his feelings.

8. Teach Cory to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, he can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. An autistic youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After Cory has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even autistic kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices.  These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach Cory these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.

9. Teach your son to talk about how he feels. Give him a language to express his feelings. If he is too angry to talk or doesn't have the words to express his feelings, ask about the feelings relevant to the specific situation. For example, "Do you feel rejected?" "Hurt?" "Let down?" …etc. When your son expresses the feeling behind his anger (e.g., embarrassment or rejection), suggest some other ways to look at the same event that might not be embarrassing or humiliating.

10. Some high-functioning autistic kids get upset when they know they made a mistake. Instead of admitting their mistake, they act out in anger to deflect the attention off of them. If you realize that this might be the case, it's helpful to say to your son, "Everyone makes mistakes. I am okay with it. Don't feel so bad about it."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 

11. Stop any and all physically aggressive behaviors! Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove Cory as gently as possible.

12. Sometimes an autistic child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the “special needs” child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to the parent’s frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. Thus, the best attitude to bring to such a circumstance is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.

13. Try to establish a home environment that reduces anger and teaches tolerance. For example, you can set a personal example for your son that "big people apologize when they hurt someone” and “it's o.k. to loose and try again.”

14. Simple relaxation tools can help Cory calm down. For example, he can (a) use imagery and visualize a relaxing experience from either his memory or his imagination; (b) slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (e.g., “relax” or “take it easy”) and repeat it to himself; (c) breathe deeply from his diaphragm (however, breathing from the chest won't relax him, so he should picture his breath coming up from the belly).

15. Resist taking Cory’s angry outbursts personally. His motives have more to do with alleviating uncomfortable emotions than with deliberately trying to be “nasty.”

16. One thing that makes many moms and dads angry is to see their youngster challenging their authority and defying them. Sometimes it may appear so, but that may not be the intention of the high-functioning autistic youngster. For example, the child may be too unhappy to be told ‘no’ because he wants something so badly. Of course, you shouldn't give in to your son’s demands, but try to understand what might really be his intention.

17. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help Cory express his frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list his ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When Cory is upset, use the words so he can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.

18. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings Cory expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”

19. Involve Cory in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for Cory’s age when the rules are ignored.

20. Model responsible anger-control yourself. High-functioning autistic kids have an impaired ability to understand emotion when their parents show a lot of anger. Parents who are most effective in helping their kids manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings, and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.
 

21. Help Cory to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."

22. Help your son develop self-regulatory skills. Parents of kids on the spectrum do a lot of “child-regulation work" (i.e., doing things ‘for’ their child rather than ‘with’ their child). This is because parents know that their child has a very limited ability to regulate emotions. As the high-functioning autistic child gets older, parents can gradually transfer control to their child so that he can develop self-regulatory skills.

23. Facilitate communication and problem solving with Cory by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem? …and so on).

24. Encourage Cory to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?

25. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help autistic kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these “special needs” children have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with Cory about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once he chooses a replacement behavior, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get upset.

26. Encourage your son to “label” his emotions. For example, a permanent record (book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for “anger” (furious, mad, hot, irritated, annoyed), and he can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

27. Be sure to VALUE what Cory is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate his experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, Cory learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If he can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.

28. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping Cory to save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").

29. All of us exhibit some "signs" just as we begin to get angry. So, it’s actually fairly easy to identify the “anger signs” in a youngster with high-Functioning Autism. For example, you may detect a certain look in the eye, a tone of voice, or a tightness in your child’s body. Thus, your first course of action is to help him observe these signs right at the onset of anger. Once he can identify the early signs of his anger, he can also learn to diffuse it by self-soothing techniques (e.g., walking away, taking full and vigorous breaths, etc.).

30. Lastly, help Cory understand that he can “choose” how to react when he feels angry or frustrated. Teach him self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses (e.g., write about feelings, tense body and then relax, tell someone how you feel, play music or sing, look at books or read, hug a pet or a stuffed animal, find a quiet place or sit alone, exercise, draw or play with clay, count slowly, calm self by breathing deeply, etc.).

By using a few of the ideas listed above, you can help strengthen your relationship with your high-functioning autistic youngster and give him the tools he needs to cope effectively with frustration and anger.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
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Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

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