Single-Parenting Children With Aspergers/High-Functioning Autism

One of the most difficult roles a mother or father will ever assume is that of the single parent. It doesn't matter how you arrived at that point – divorced, widowed, or single by choice – it is a daily challenge. When a mother or father is a single parent and there is a youngster with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) to care for, the challenges can make life feel like a true test of endurance, but it can be done. It does take more effort and organization, however.

Although raising children always has challenges, single parenting a child with Aspergers or HFA can be extremely stressful – as well as rewarding. Finding solutions to most of the problems is the first step toward keeping the parent from feeling overwhelmed. Almost every problem has a solution. The real trick to success as a single parent is not losing yourself in the parenting process. There are some issues that every single parent needs to be aware. Working on the solutions before they become problems can greatly reduce parental stress.

Tips for single parents with Aspergers and HFA children:

1. Arm yourself with information. Read everything you can about your youngster’s disorder. Most libraries have a parenting section with books on raising kids with special needs. The Internet also offers a broad spectrum of information on nearly every type of disorder. Websites, chat rooms, and the like are tremendous sources of information about conditions, treatments, and medications that are up-to-the-minute. Also, many of the websites that focus on childhood disorders will mail information to parents for free or for a very nominal charge. Be sure to consult your youngster’s doctor regarding the information you find. Being informed is the best offense in managing the daily and long-term challenges of parenting a youngster with Aspergers. Know what you need and pursue it.

2. Avoid being competitive with your ex. It won’t get you anywhere. You may not be able to compete with taking the children to Disney World. But children don’t necessarily love the one who gives the bigger presents more.

3. Be your youngster’s best advocate. No one can - or will ever - care more about a youngster and his/her well-being than the parent(s). As such, it is squarely on the parents’ shoulders to fight for the best information, treatment, doctors, and options that exist. Familiarize yourself with the law. Every parent has to be his/her own researcher.

4. Consider a pet. If you don’t have one, think of getting one. It takes the focus away and puts it on something else. Animals spread love around.

5. Control your reactions. Your Aspergers youngster may push your buttons, but giving big reactions to bad behavior may send the wrong message. Showing that you can control your feelings and avoid meltdowns yourself models appropriate behavior for your Aspie, and leaves you feeling better, too.

6. Don’t block your feelings. Recognize that ALL your feelings are normal. Be sad. Be mad. It’s only natural.

7. Don’t play the blame game. Your youngster’s disorder is not your fault, nor is your spouse to blame. It does no good to look for someone to focus your anger on. Pointing your finger at your spouse or his medical or family history is not productive and can be extremely hurtful. You will need to lean on one another for support, and blame can only damage your relationship.

8. Everyone needs a social life, and a single parent of a youngster with Aspergers is no exception. In addition to caring for your son or daughter, you may be working full time, meeting the needs of your other kids, and taking care of the home, which leaves you little free time. You may have other obligations, too (e.g., school, church, community activities, etc.). Fatigue takes on a new meaning, and having social interaction outside the home is so far on the back-burner it is hard to remember what it was like to “have a life.” Nonetheless, it is important to carve-out some time in your schedule for fun social activities (e.g., hiking, biking, dancing, card games, movies, eating out, etc.). The key is having fun interaction with other adults. Grown-ups who do not spend time with their “buddies” begin to resent their schedule, their lives, and possibly their kids. It is normal to feel that way, and the best way to avoid the problem is to schedule time to socialize.

9. Find some kind of support group. If you can’t find it in your community, you can find one online. You have to make a concerted effort to start to build your new family based on reciprocity and support. It can also help to start building self-esteem. You realize you are not the only one.

10. Focus on personal growth. So much of being a parent takes an emotional and physical toll on you that you have to get out and do something for yourself on an ongoing basis. Try an activity that you never did or go back to something you gave up in your marriage (e.g., rediscovered the love of hiking, or learn how to play a musical instrument). Put yourself out there. Try anything creative.

11. Focus on stress management. When harried and stressed, single parents often find themselves less able to connect with their kids or focus at work, which may lead to acting-out behavior by the children, time-consuming mistakes at work, and other things that increase stress for the parent and his/her family. Therefore, taking a proactive stance on stress management is quite important. Having several quick stress relievers on hand (e.g., breathing exercises, reframing techniques, having different/positive ways of looking at a stressful situation, etc.), as well as long-term stress management strategies in place (e.g., regular exercise, meditation, a hobby, a supportive social circle, etc.) can relieve significant stress for single parents.

12. Hopefully you have been able to create a good working relationship with your ex for the benefit of your youngster. If not, and the sparks fly very time you see each other, it would be wise to consult a counselor. Even if the relationship with your ex has no chance in the world of being civil, there needs to be a peaceful environment for the youngster.

13. Kids with Aspergers may seem to be unaware of the environment around them, but they usually are much more in tune with the emotions of others than it appears. If the moms and dads are arguing or fighting, the youngster is apt to act-out with defiant behaviors. The grown-ups in the situation, by keeping their own tempers, can prevent this. Remember that although your relationship may be over, the relationship both of you have with your youngster is not.

14. Know that you are not alone. Having an Aspergers or HFA youngster can feel very isolating. It’s easy to stay home and think that you are the only one dealing with that situation. Seek out support groups. Form your own groups, if none exist.

15. Learn to enjoy your own company. It may have never occurred to you when you were married that you could actually enjoy your own company. You can do that. Don’t date too soon. You can fall in love too quickly. You can’t be a great parent unless you are a great person.

16. Minimize the tough times. Holidays are hard when you don’t have your special needs child because he or she is visiting the other parent, so make a plan. Know you will feel bad – and know it will end.

17. Move your bedroom to a different room in your house. Make the old one a study or kid’s play room. Redecorate to reflect your individual tastes and make the house more of your home.

18. One major advantage that married couples have is companionship. There’s nothing like being with a spouse who knows and understands the daily problems you encounter. Having someone you can vent your frustrations to keeps one mentally healthy. It is human nature to want to share. If you don't have anyone in your life that you can share your feelings with on a daily basis, work at developing friendships that are true give-and-take relationships. A local support group that includes single parents might be helpful. Some support groups have a network of parents who are on “phone duty” that you can call at any time when you need to talk or vent your emotions.

19. Sometimes, ex in-laws can become a problem for you. A direct approach to the grandparents may not be welcome. If you find yourself in this situation, begin by bringing the matter to the attention of your ex, who may be willing to intervene on your behalf. If your ex refuses to support you in this matter, limit your interaction with the grandparents as much as possible. While they have every right to see their grandchild, you can and should limit your own time with them for your own sanity.

20. You can never take a day off from being a parent, and you may not be able to take a day off from work whenever you like, but there are things you can give yourself a day off from. Next time you're feeling particularly stressed, messed up, tired out or done in, declare a day off from:
  • Being behavior cop
  • Being SuperMom or SuperDad
  • Caring what other people think
  • Doing research
  • Fighting battles
  • Filling out forms
  • Handling details
  • Holding it in
  • Knowing it all
  • Making appointments
  • Making phone calls
  • Multitasking
  • Planning ahead
  • Saying the right thing
  • Serving as case manager
  • Solving problems
  • Working out
  • Worrying

Special Offer for Single Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum


•    Anonymous said… Thanks for the reminders. So easy to forget to take time for yourself with everything going on and being the only parent holding things together.
•    Anonymous said… I wouldn't wish single parenthood on my worst enemy because it is so hard. However, I think it's far more important to be the most positive, most enthusiastic cheerleader and champion for my son to help him be the best that he can be. No role model is better in my mind than a bad role model. It's difficult enough being a parent, but having a child on the spectrum is an added challenge. I can't be a basket case because of being the mom my son needs and trying to juggle a relationship that doesn't support or promote my abilities as a mother for my children.
•    Anonymous said… I know what you mean. A child with asbergers requires so much attention because they aren't able to socialize Knowing that a parent is always there for them makes them feel more secure. I'm the same. I've been divorced for 12 years and haven't had a relationship since. Because I've made my son feel so secure growing up at 21 he is thriving in his 3rd year of universtiy away from home. He has his twin sister nearby for companionship, he speaks to me on the phone for an hour each day and he comes home every five to six weeks for a week. He hasn't made any friends at university because he's just not able to but he knows we are always there for him. It's extremely important for kids/adults with asbergers to know you've got their back 100%.
•    Anonymous said… I am the single parent to two children on the spectrum. I find being a single parent far easier than when I was married. I am utterly focused on the boys. There is no, and there will be no, relationship to try and juggle alongside. I'm mum. I'm not wife. Everything is about the boys. Our relationship is so much stronger and it's the three of us. I much prefer single parenthood.

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Anonymous said...

Thanks for the suggestions, Mark! Very helpful!

Anonymous said...

I absolutely agree with these points. Thank you for addressing this issue. As a single mom struggling with this it is so easy to get frustrated with the isolation and all advise seems geared towards having two parents in the home. My ex is bi-polar and was abusive. I have two children on the spectrum. He never would accept my sons' diagnosis and refused to beleive that they wasn't simply misbehaving. He made me doubt my parenting skills. Since our separation, I can focus on my sons' needs and they are making huge progress. I expected major issues with this big transition, but surprisingly my sons are actaully calmer, have more loving/laughing days, and are making tremendous progress in their therapies. Sometimes as a single you forget that the thing you feared the most(being alone) turns out to be the biggest blessing of all. I am a better mother, my kids are doing better and I am free to enjoy the uniqueness of my sons.

Anonymous said...

Wow anonymous!
I am also a single mother with a son with Aspergers! And I went through a terrible separation 7 years ago with my abusive husband! He also refuses to believe our son has Aspergers. My son has been at a mainstream school with very little support and I have just made the decision to move closer to my parents (should have done it 7 years ago!) and put my son into a school with more help. You are right, it is a blessing being a single mother - it's hard, but at least we can fight battles without distraction.

Unknown said...

My son and I are on our own....his father never wanted to be an adult and died never knowing his son. We live very close to my mom and my kiddo is very smart...but prone to the anxiety of aspergers. The school district....I don't even want to go there, my child has been at the same school for 5 years and I end up retraining teachers every year. To top that off I have been sick and my father recently died, which my son won't deal with ....and his teachers? Gave him detention for missing homework...and not looking them in the eye 4 days after the funeral. I'm sorry...I don't mean to sound like a drag. My son is nine....his behaviors are not generally an issue at home....I'm just tired today

Unknown said...


The individual with Asperger's doesn't usually deal with death in the same manner as neurotypicals. They may appear to be detached and in denial but sometimes it just doesn't impact them emotionally. My son and I both have Asperger's. I get upset at the funeral and then I am fine. My son doesn't seem to be impacted at all and goes on as if nothing happened. It isn't denial as he accepts the person is gone but shows no emotion regarding that and it isn't that he doesn't care. Our brains are wired differently and death doesn't always illicit the emotion it should.

Single mother with Asperger's with a son who has Asperger's

Unknown said...


Individuals with Asperger's do not have the same emotional responses as others especially regarding death. My son and I both have Asperger's. I feel sad at the funeral as it is my time to say goodbye to that person but then after the funeral I am my normal again. My son displays no emotion at all regarding death of humans but feels the death of animals very deeply. Everyone on the spectrum is different and your son may simply not feel what you think he should about the death. This is not a stage of denial but an example of how the brain being wired differently impacts the individual. I am also a single mother and it is really hard but very rewarding. Time management is crucial is all I can say...

Smallville said...

I'm a single father and my 16 year old autistic daughter lives with me full time. I was injured at work and I'm now back in college trying to learn a new trade. I feel like a failure at times. I have put my whole life on hold just to be there for my daughter and get her through school. At times I feel I push my daughter to hard and other times I feel I just let her do what she pleases. All I have ever wanted was for my daughter to succeed and be proud of me. Today I'm feeling down and don't know which way to turn? Prayers for guidance is much appreciated!

myStory said...

Hello. Single mother of a 9yr old Aspie & older sister (11) who's not on the spectrum. Divorced from their father 5+ yrs. Have dated, mostly without success. My daughter has unrelenting negative opinions about the man in my life due to a mistake he made. Months have gone by & I'm trying to integrate him back slowly into our lives bc we miss one another deeply & committed to stick through this challenge and want to get married one day. I believe in his focus on the girls & I, however a changed man & forgiveness doesn't come easy with my Aspie. She absolutely will not let it go, as my other daughter has with her forgiving heart. She's hyper-focused on not accepting any man in her life as a father figure or companion to me & has an episode every time we approach the topic of reintegration as a family. She's specifically stated all I need is them in my life to be happy. This causes me extreme pain & loneliness, as well as devastates the man we want in our lives, dedicated to raising my children as his own (spectrum challenges and all). Icertainly don't want to discourage any of you hoping to find love again, and surely mine is an isolated experience, however I saw this forum as a good place to ask the question and open myself up for support or guidance. Wondering if anybody has experienced this, or has advice/resources on this particular facet of moving on as a single parent of children with Aspergers. Thank you.

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