Question
I suspect my husband has Aspergers. What should I do?
Answer
Approaching your spouse with the idea that he may have Aspergers (high-functioning autism) can result in two completely different responses. Either he is concerned and interested in pursuing an answer to some obvious issues, or he is in complete denial. He may even decide that the problem stems from you.
In all honesty, most individuals with Aspergers are well aware that they don’t process things like other individuals. Relationships of any variety have been difficult since childhood. Sensory issues have plagued them, like noises others don’t hear and lights that others can ignore. The way they carry themselves seems less than graceful to fairly clumsy. Their obsessions overtake any attempt at normal social conversation. Yes, they know they are quirky, but have no concept of the reasons behind these differences.
Let’s assume that your spouse knows that something is different about the way he interprets life. In this case, he may be searching for the reason and welcome your involvement. You can find resources on the Internet that will help you understand him better and decide what action you both need to take, if any. On the Internet you can find articles that describe Aspergers in terms that he can relate to, and also several mini-evaluations that can help him decide if he wants to pursue a diagnosis.
Now let’s assume that he denies the possibility of Aspergers. As his wife, you have to respect his decision to keep things the way they are. But, this doesn’t mean you have to join him in denial. If you are married to a suspected adult with Aspergers, you can use a little help yourself to cope with his eccentric behavior. In either circumstance, the advice is virtually the same.
Contact your local chapter of any Autism or Aspergers support association. They offer assistance in all areas: therapy, steps to a diagnosis, family support, spouse support. Once you find the resources and support you need for yourself, you will be able to pass your knowledge on to your spouse. How you relay this knowledge, either directly or indirectly, depends on his response to the subject of Aspergers.
Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
8 comments:
I wasn't in denial noticing I was continually saying that my son was "just like me" as a kid. It made 100% sense to me and now embrace the fact I'm Aspie like my son.
I can see my woman reading this already lol
Let a psychologist tell him. It's rather empowering and answers so many questions.
If you Love him, don't do what my wife did....and leave me. seek a therapist who deals specifically in ASD and work together through counseling. Let the therapist tell him. when I found out I was an Aspie. Just recently in fact. It completely opened my eyes to a world of understanding of why I had been the boy I was and now the man I am. It was actually empowering. See dealing with my son an 8 year old is much different. Having done so much research I understand whats going on now and can try to do things to prevent meltdowns.
My daughter has apsie & it has made me look at my husband & think maybe.......but I would never say anything
Read the book "The Journal of Best Practices-A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband "
there is a section in the book that explains how the wife lovingly made her husband aware of his aspergers. After finding out he has aspergers it improved his life dramatically in a very positive way!! Awareness is power! Good luck
it is hereditary and usually most commonly comes from the father
I ask him to go see a therapist. Unfortunately she is not trained in ASD and is not helping him in a way someone with ASD needs. She is telling him it's okay if he doesn't believe he has ASD and she isnt leaning towards it herself and in fact telling him he doesn't have to listen to me. I went to a session with him and he never looked at me or her. He just looked down at his lap 90 %. She believes he shy and probably thinks I've beaten him down as he thinks that. He was beaten down when I met him and I thought his ex wife did it. I now am getting that he starts with a perceptions before ome can be formed and it leans on the negative side. I have always tried to work it out so both us can be better and not ask him to do something that hes not comfortable with.. I know he has has limits. He put up so many road blocks. He questions my motive and then turns and blames me. She let him just say a statements and didn't ask him to explain more. He cleaver in his response, he's almost 60 and knows what to say to get by and hide the deeper issues. When she does probe a bit hes clever to get her to get to just leave it there and deflect her. She didn't realized he was just saying things I said before parroting me or something sounded like a good reponse. I went to 3 couples sessions and walked out crying because she wasn't seeing how lonely it is to be with a guy that has an underdeveloped social and emotional brain. She just thought I had usual couple communication problems and was like making a mountain out of a mole hill. Its isolation and emotional abuse without the intent. Is beyond your typical relationship problem when there's no reciprocity, he doesn't get where I'm coming from and can't relate to me or realize how what he says and does or do has a chain link effect. He can't see how he hurts me. I have tried to remind myself that he doesn't see it so he doesn't get me but I can only stuff it in and snuff it out so much when your emotional needs are ignored every day. I just want to be heard and try to be understood. He has been going to her for 7 months and is getting worse and more angry towards me. I can't bring any problems up. He get defensive and says don't say the words Autism or Aspergers when I haven't. He says I'm the only one that believers this then he goes out to his hobby shop or away to be alone and ignore me the whole day. Comes in and expects me to be in a good mood when I have essentially been told I'm crazy and left with issues he won't deal with or work on. I found his notes from a therapy session saying "my illnesses and pain complaints are just attention seeking, when I been in the ER I was faking it to get attention, I'm trying to control him with my emotions and crying wolf." All I want is to feel heard and worth his time to help me and the relationship . He doesn't talk about anything to work it out even if I don't bring up Aspergers. He says hes trying but only thinks about things but doesn't take any steps or my suggestions to help me be happier. Says every is fine as long as I don't make up problems. I know he can't relate to how I feel but I would atleast like him to acknowledge that I could have emotions and feelings that he doesn't. How can this be worked out if he can't see how his ASD does affect our relationship. Im so lost and confused. He has such good qualities and I've tried to love him over the tough ones for 9 years. I just realized it was ASD a1 1/2 years ago and it been actually worse. Im now more lonely and realize he really didn't do most of it intentionally. He can't be another way be another way because he can't see it and won't let there be possibly another way to help. I've stepped back for months but just get somone who is about him first and and I'm a bleep on his radar only to be noticed when he needs information from me or he needs attention. He doesn't want to hear about me or be interested in my life. Lonely and over my head and out of options I think just to live with it or leave
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