Aspergers and Sexuality

Q: I need help in teaching my daughter appropriate sexual behavior. She will be 16 in June, has Asperger’s, and acts out sexually. She feels this is what she is “supposed” to do when she likes a boy, and I just can’t get her to feel moral values.

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A: A 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s Syndrome will have a fully developed female body, but it is unlikely that she will have a full understanding of adolescent sexuality. Depending on her exposure to popular media, she may have formulated an impression of sexuality from the licentious “celebrities” that have become well-known for their use of drugs and alcohol and their fickle, promiscuous sexual behavior. Your daughter could very well believe that behaviors such as candid flirtation, physical sexual cues, sexual language, and sexual activity are what she, as you say, “Is supposed to do when she likes a boy.” The media sends this message loud and clear!

Your daughter needs the advice of a professional counselor now as she is exhibiting behavior that could lead to very severe consequences.

In addition to the negative effects of the media, teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome do not acquire “street smarts” when it comes to dating or sex. As a result, they are naïve and misinformed about sex.

Your daughter is an adolescent and she wants to develop an identity separate from yours. One aspect of this development is challenging your thoughts and beliefs. When this happens, many parents feel that they have to be friends with their children in order to keep calm in the home. In doing so, they abdicate their parental responsibility, and children suffer in the process. Your daughter still needs to have clearly defined rules while she is living in your home. You know the possible negative consequences of overtly sexual behavior, she does not. Impose specific rules on her; she shouldn’t be alone with boys or be dating, considering the situation.

She may not understand why you are imposing rules; you need to stress that they are for her benefit, now and in the future, and explain why in very specific terms (i.e.; to protect her from sexual diseases, HIV/AIDS, and pregnancy). She needs to understand not just what the consequences of sexual activity are, but what will happen if she gets a venereal disease, HIV/AIDS, or gets pregnant. This will be far more meaningful to her than vague advice about “morality.”

It is imperative that you teach your daughter about sex. She needs specific details about responsible sexual behavior and the consequences of reckless intimacy. Start with basic sex education and move on from there. Freely expressing her sexual feelings because she thinks it is the only way to be accepted and loved must be countered with facts about sexual consequences and information on more appropriate ways to be accepted by boys.

For further information on this subject, consider reading the book http://Asperger’s and Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond by Jerry and Mary Newport. Two adults who have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome wrote this book. They are a married couple, and their book provides information about young adults with Asperger’s and the issue of sexuality. The topics in this book include birth control, dating, disease prevention, sexuality, and taking personal responsibility for sexually related behavior.

In addition to the above book, go online and read “Sexuality and Autism.” It is posted at http://autism.about.com/od/transitioncollegejobs/f/sexed.htm

1. Fortunately I was spared this. I read the entire Bible five times before I reached high school. That is what every Aspergian, indeed every Human being needs to do. I am 51 years old and quite proud to say I am still pure. I didn’t want to have kids and was aware of the fact birth control often fails, and so did what God wants people to do, control themselves. Its not like it’s hard and anyone who says it’s hard is fibbing.

Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — August 26, 2008 @ 7:35 pm

2. Sexuality is really important here. As a now 45 yo woman with two boys with profound AS I realize that I am “on the spectrum” too. I look back at my early sexual experiences and all the features are there, tunnel vision, inability to see the context of the behavior, high physical drive, acting up and flirting with any male. Boy I’m glad I got through unscathed. They were heady times in high-risk situations. What I have done with my teens is very up-front risk management. How to explore sex without huge and adverse consequences. My then 16yo girl chose to have a contraceptive implant instead of relying on her non-existent organizational skills. She has a steady boyfriend and we overtly support the use of condoms. We stress fidelity to one partner and loyalty to herself. And nothing bad has happened. Stay strong and be the best parent you can be!

Comment by Jane — August 26, 2008 @ 8:12 pm

3. Oh this is an area all parents have some trouble with not just when we have aspergers kiddos. It is not always an easy talk to have. It is very important to be very specific about what is appropriate and what is not. You cannot pretend that they are going to avoid the opposite sex forever. When things come up in the media or conversations come up about what was said at school (without getting excited) discuss calmly what was inappropriate about what was said or done. Give examples such as “when someone says this, the other person thinks that.” Give examples (specific) of appropriate things they can say and can do (and don’t make them sound like a grandma or they won’t use your advice!). Use lots of examples. Be very specific about sex education and what different terms and slang mean. Be sure to include many “scripts” of what they can say and do so they will have that information to rely on before the time comes.

Comment by Cathy Whittington — August 27, 2008 @ 4:09 am

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed With Aspergers Syndrome.