Tips for Reducing Stress Related to Parenting Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"My (high functioning autistic) child is one of the most wonderful blessings of my life – yet at times, stress may cause me to wonder if he is at the root of my most intense times of irritability and anxiety. I don't like thinking like this. Any tips on how I can reduce my stress while at the same time, care for my son's special needs.?"

Let’s be honest. Caring for a child on the autism spectrum can be tiring. On bad days, we as parents can feel trapped by the constant responsibility. The additional stress of caring for a child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's (AS) can, at times, make a parent feel angry, anxious, or just plain "stressed out." These tensions are a normal, inevitable part of the family, and parents need to learn ways to cope so that they don't feel overwhelmed by them.

To see if you are experiencing toxic amounts of parental stress, answer the following questions:
  1. Are you often irritable?
  2. Are you suffering from lack of sleep?
  3. Are you worried about your child’s future?
  4. Are you worried about your family’s finances?
  5. Do you avoid of social interaction outside the home as much as possible?
  6. Do you choose the self-serve lane at the supermarket and the ATM at the bank because doing things by yourself is just easier?
  7. Do you ever find yourself so rushed and distracted that it’s “just annoying” when a cashier or neighbor tries to make chitchat with you about the weather?
  8. Do you ever get so caught up in one subject (e.g., IEP worries or your frustration with your child’s school) that you catch yourself repeating the same complaints to anyone who will listen?
  9. Do you find yourself snapping at your child for interrupting you, then feeling guilty afterwards?
  10. Do you have a disregard for personal appearance and social niceties?
  11. Do you keep meaning to pick up the phone and call a friend, but find yourself too busy or distracted?
  12. Do you scan each room you enter for things that might trigger a meltdown in your youngster, (e.g., unusual smells or loud noises)? …and do you find yourself doing so even when he isn’t with you? …for that matter, after avoiding those things for so long, do you find that they now irritate you, too?
  13. Have the cute hairdos and perky outfits been replaced by ponytails and sweats?
  14. Have you ever had the thought, “I don’t like my child”?
  15. Have you found yourself getting annoyed when your spouse tunes you out or tries to change the subject?

If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, you too may be suffering from parental stress associated with parenting a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
 

Stress becomes a problem when you feel overwhelmed by the things that happen to you. You may feel "stressed out" when it seems there is too much to deal with all at once, and you are not sure how to handle it all. When you feel stressed, you usually have some physical symptoms. You can feel tired, get headaches, stomach upsets or backaches, clench your jaw or grind your teeth, develop skin rashes, have recurring colds or flu, have muscle spasms or nervous twitches, or have problems sleeping. Mental signs of stress include feeling pressured, having difficulty concentrating, being forgetful and having trouble making decisions. Emotional signs include feeling angry, frustrated, tense, anxious, or more aggressive than usual.

The stress of parenting a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder does not have to damage the bond you have with your child. In fact, if you take the necessary steps to reduce stress in your life, it can actually strengthen the closeness of your relationship with your youngster.

20 Tips for Reducing Stress Related to Parenting Children on the Spectrum

1. As a mother or father, it’s a necessity to take care of yourself so that you have the energy and motivation to be a good parent.

2. Avoid fatigue. Go to bed earlier and take short naps when you can.

3. Coping with the stress of parenting an HFA or AS child starts with understanding what makes you feel stressed, learning to recognize the symptoms of too much stress, and learning some new ways of handling life's problems. You may not always be able to tell exactly what is causing your emotional tension, but it is important to remind yourself that it is not your youngster's fault.

4. Develop good relationships. Family relationships are built over time with loving care and concern for other people's feelings. Talk over family problems in a warm, relaxed atmosphere. Focus on solutions rather than finding blame. If you are too busy or upset to listen well at a certain time, say so. Then agree on a better time, and make sure to do it. Laugh together, be appreciative of each other, and give compliments often. It may be very hard to schedule time to spend with your family, doing things that you all enjoy, but it is the best time you will ever invest. Moms and dads and kids need time to spend one-to-one. Whether yours is a one or two-parent family, each parent should try to find a little time to spend alone with each youngster. You could read a bedtime story, play a game, or go for a walk together.

5. Have a realistic attitude. Most moms and dads have high expectations of how things should be. We all want a perfect family, and we all worry about how our children will turn out. But, wanting “the ideal family” can get in the way of enjoying the one you have. 
 

6. If you don’t already belong to a group for parents of HFA and AS kids, you’re missing out on great social and emotional support. But, also remember that you had interests before you became a harried mom. Whether it’s decorating or reading murder mysteries, we all need some sort of pleasant diversion, and friendly folks to share it with. If you’re able to join a local support group and club, great! But if not, there is a plethora of online discussion groups about just about any interest you can imagine.

7. If you feel guilty about the idea of trying to plan time and activities apart from your youngster– don’t! How can we teach our "special needs" children that socialization is important, healthy, and worthwhile, if we hardly ever take time for it ourselves? So pick up the phone and plan time for some fun with a friend. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your youngster.

8. If you're feeling pressured, tense or drawn out at the end of a busy day, say so. Tell your kids calmly that you will be happy to give them some attention soon but first you need a short "quiet time" so that you can relax.

9. Keep in mind that your child experiences stress, too – at any age. So when you work on methods to reduce your own stress, try to incorporate stress relieving techniques that both you and your youngster can use to reduce stress. Of course, the stress relieving activities that you choose for you and your child to share will depend on your child’s age.

10. Learn some ways of unwinding to manage the tension. Simple daily stretching exercises help relieve muscle tension. Vigorous walking, aerobics or sports are excellent ways for some people to unwind and work off tension; others find deep-breathing exercises are a fast, easy and effective way to control physical and mental tension.

11. Look for community programs for moms and dads and kids. They offer activities that are fun, other moms and dads to talk with, and some even have babysitting.

12. Look for parenting courses in your community. 
 

13. Make a play date. The great thing about play dates for moms is that you don’t have to referee them – you just have to find time for them! Sit down with your calendar, get on the phone, and schedule time to spend with friends, at least every couple of weeks. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Go together for manicures or a trip to Target, followed by lattés, while Dad watches the kids. But make sure you schedule in play dates with Dad occasionally, too. If you can’t find a sitter, trade off watching the kids with another couple who has a youngster on the spectrum – most, I’ve found, are happy to make such a deal.

14. Make quality time for yourself, and reserve time each week for your own activities.

15. Most of us live hectic lives, and working through lunch can easily become habit. Make a commitment to yourself that at least three days a week you’re going to operate as a social human being. Go over to the food court with your coworkers, or brown bag it and catch up on the gossip in the lunchroom. You need interaction with grown-ups who are interested in topics that you are interested in. So after the dishwasher is loaded, put everybody down to nap or stick in a DVD for 20 minutes, and pick up the phone and call your best friend or sister, and give yourself a dose a grown-up time.

16. Practice time management. Set aside time to spend with the kids, time for yourself, and time for your spouse and/or friends. Learn to say "no" to requests that interfere with these important times. Cut down on outside activities that cause the family to feel rushed.

17. Take a break from looking after the kids. Help keep stress from building up. Ask for help from friends or relatives to take care of the kids for a while. Exchange babysitting services with a neighbor, or hire a teenager, even for a short time once a week to get some time for yourself.

18. Take care of your health with a good diet and regular exercise. Moms and dads need a lot of energy to look after kids.

19. Talk to someone. Sharing your worries is a great stress reducer!

20. We all have reactions to life's events which are based on our own personal histories. For the most part, we never completely understand the deep-down causes of all our feelings. What we must realize is that our feelings of stress come from inside ourselves and that we can learn to keep our stress reactions under control.

If you are considering getting some additional support or information to help you cope with the stress of parenting, there are many different resources available, including books and video tapes on stress management, parenting courses and workshops, professional counseling and self-help groups.
 

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I Think My Child May Have High-Functioning Autism

“I think my child is on the autism spectrum. I would like to know some traits to help clarify what high functioning autism is and how I can recognize it.”

Here are the main characteristics of children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA):

The Need for Routine—

Perservation is a common characteristic of the youngster with HFA. Perservation involves repetition in language and/or behavior. For example, with language a perservative tendency is to repeat certain phrases over and over. 
 
In terms of action or behavior, the Asperger youngster may line objects up and insist the objects not be disturbed. Completing a certain set of rituals in a specific order also demonstrates perservation.

Sensory Sensitivity—

The youngster with HFA may be underactive to a sensation, or s/he may be intensely reactive to a sensation. The sensitivity could involve one or involve many of the senses. For example, before my son was diagnosed, as a parent I was appalled when he wanted to run outside in the middle of winter with no shoes or boots. I was so afraid he would sneak out of the house and get severe frostbite. 
 
I also remember he was fascinated by lights. Some moms and dads of Asperger kids detail how their youngster may scream when the vacuum is turned on or how their youngster refuses to brush their teeth due to the sensation caused by the tooth brush.
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Motor Clumsiness—

Sometimes, but not always, kids with HFA display poor coordination because they experience difficulties with either or both fine and gross motor skills. This problem is due to difficulties with motor planning in completing the task. For example, the youngster may experience difficulty in riding a bike because of planning the different steps to successfully complete the task.

Difficulty with Social Interaction—

Although the HFA youngster may want to interact with others, s/he lacks the skills. The Asperger youngster fails to understand both verbal and nonverbal cues, and communication with others breaks down. The Asperger youngster may lecture others, fail to ask questions to continue a discussion, or simply not even acknowledge the other person by looking at them. 
 
The desire to communicate may be there, but the language abilities others seem to develop naturally just don't develop easily for the HFA youngster. But HFA kids develop these skills with early interventions and teaching.

Development of a Narrow Range of Interests—

If a youngster seems stuck on a certain topic and seems a bit obsessed about always talking about that topic, s/he demonstrates narrow interests -- this a characteristic of HFA. Often the youngster learns everything s/he can about this special interest and then feels compelled to share information about the topic with everybody around them. Usually focusing on narrow interests affects social interactions negatively.

Delayed or Impaired Language Skills—

If your youngster starts talking late and exhibits lagging language skills, this may be a sign of HFA. My son, who has HFA, talked late, but when he did, he began with full phrases and sentences. He also mixed up pronouns. 
 
The HFA youngster also fails to understand the "give and take" of communication; in other words, the youngster may want to monopolize a conversation and fail to acknowledge the comments of others. The youngster with HFA understands communication as a way to share information but fails to recognize communication as a way to share thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Cognitive Difficulties—

Frequently the HFA youngster experiences difficulty with empathizing with others and says inappropriate things because the youngster fails to consider others' feelings. A significant problem for the HFA youngster, mindblindness occurs when the Asperger youngster is unable to make inferences about what others are thinking. Mindblindness hinders communication with others.

Although some of these traits are common to other disabilities, the whole bunch together certainly suggests further investigation into an HFA diagnosis. A professional, like a psychologist or a psychiatrist, should be consulted because early intervention is very important. 


More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
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Support and Education for Parents of Children and Teens with Asperger's
and High-Functioning Autism
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Is ASD Level 1 Simply a Difference Rather Than a Disability?

"What are you thoughts on this concept of viewing people on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum as 'differently able' rather than 'disabled'. Would this shift in the public view do more harm than good? Or would this be a better way to understand the 'disorder'."?

If one examines the facts, attempting to be non-judgmental about them, high functioning autistic (HFA) kids could be said to show the following differences (these are based on diagnostic features):
  1. communicates less than other children do
  2. has a strong preference for experiences that are controllable rather than unpredictable
  3. has strong, persistent interests
  4. is very accurate at perceiving the details of information
  5. may be fascinated by patterned material, be it visual (shapes), numeric (dates, timetables), alphanumeric (number plates), or lists (of cars, songs, etc.)
  6. may be fascinated by systems, be they simple (light switches, water taps), a little more complex (weather fronts), or abstract (mathematics)
  7. may have a strong drive to collect categories of objects (bottle tops, train maps), or categories of information (types of lizard, types of rock, types of fabric, etc.)
  8. notices and recalls things other people may not
  9. possesses a view of what is relevant and important in a situation, which may not coincide with other people’s view
  10. shows relatively little interest in what the social group is doing, or being a part of it
  11. spends more time involved with objects and physical systems than with people
  12. tends to follow their own desires and beliefs rather than paying attention to, or being easily influenced by, others’ desires and beliefs

The list could be expanded, but these 12 behavioral features are sufficient to illustrate that HFA kids are different in ways that can be described in value-free terms, none of which imply any necessary disability. 
 

Most of the above facts show the youngster as immersed in the world of things rather than people, which might be a basic way of defining the difference between a child with HFA and one without it. Being more object-focused than people-focused is clearly only a disability in an environment that expects everyone to be social. These young people would cease to be disabled as soon as society’s expectations change.

For many years now, there has been a movement underfoot to reclassify this disorder as a condition of being “differently able” rather than “disabled.” Although parents and advocates of their "special needs" youngsters may beg to differ, those in favor of changing the classification do make some compelling points. 

Here are the main ones currently:

1. Routines are symptom of the "disorder," and it has been documented that kids on the autism spectrum have the hardest time functioning in a classroom setting where such order is frequently interrupted or even missing. This may be seen as a disability to some, but others simply believe it to be a sign that the youngster has a very serious affection for that which he can control versus the unknown.

2. The mere fact that these young people are seen paying attention to those things for which they have a general interest (as opposed to those that teachers believe they should notice) does not make HFA a disability. Instead, it may be viewed as a tacit nod to absolute honesty in one’s desires, and therefore is simply an ability to overcome social conditioning.

3. The systematic organization of things and items may be of unique interest in a youngster diagnosed with HFA. It does not really matter if this is the means of taking a picture with a camera by holding down a button, turning on and off a light, or delving into the intricacies of a physics equation. The problem arises when the system in which the youngster shows interest is simple, and soon has some clamoring at needing to be outgrown.
 

4. What earned these children the description of ‘little professors’ may not be a disability, but could be much more aptly described as a strong interest in a given field of study. This causes the child to notice nuances others do not and thus renders him differently able and perhaps even superior in perception.

5. What has been referred to as latent antisocial behavior so often exhibited in young kids diagnosed with HFA (characterized by their inability or unwillingness to interact with moms and dads extensively) is found to be an expression of their desires to pay more attention to the world of objects as opposed to subjects. This may be attributed to a simply matter of preference, not a disability.

6. Perhaps the most convincing fact used by those suggesting that HFA is not a disability rests in the fact that the mere decision to value one trait or situation more than another is one of personal preference, not one born from a lack of ability. Therefore, a child who does not interact well with others – but instead finds it far more important to invest time in physics and other subjects he deems important – may be considered eccentric, but it does not render him disabled.

It is not clear why the object-focused child is seen as doing something less valuable than the people-focused child - or why this behavior should be seen as an indication of impairment.

To all our readers of this post, we would be interested in your opinion on this matter. Feel free to comment below...


 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
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