Aspergers: Coping with the pressures of middle school...

Question:

I'm worried about how my 12-year-old son with Aspergers is going to cope with the pressures of middle school. That is a difficult age for any child and most people don't accept him as he is. My husband thinks we should focus on making him more acceptable to the majority, but I don't think he should have to change who he is. I haven't heard from anyone who has been through those middle & high school years and I am terrified!!

Answer:

This is a common fear that parents of spectrum kids have. Middle school, as we all know, is cruel to everyone, and especially to those who are different. How do you let your kids be who they are while still protecting them so they don't emerge traumatized?

I feel what is most important is not to let your kids feel ashamed of who they are. If they've got a spark to them, they've got things they're interested in, don't kill it by making them conform. Most people lose that spark naturally when they get older; there's no reason to do it prematurely. Don't take away one of best things your Aspergers child has going for himself: his passion for living life, even if it's living life on his own terms. If he wants to fit in, he'll ask you how to fit. It'll come, but let it be when he's ready for it rather than force him into a cookie cutter existence.

Some Aspergers kids go through middle school so excited about their passions that they barely notice they're the odd ones out, or if they notice, they don't care (probably not a lot, but some). Others are unfortunately bullied quite a bit.

There are a few things you can do to try to either prevent this from happening or minimize the effects if it does. First, use his talents and passions to find him a niche in the school where he can succeed. The drama club is a natural place. Many quirky kids find refuge in drama clubs; and if he can succeed in school plays, then he has one place where he belongs and can be accorded respect. If there's a particular subject he's interested in, see if he can start a club and find other kids interested in the same thing. Or find if you can a group outside of school interested in that kind of thing. Buffer him so if he does encounter some rejection he will already belong to and have found success in enough other activities that it won't really matter so much. Perhaps you could encourage him to take interest in a particular teacher, especially in a subject he enjoys, so he could have an ally at the school. Teachers were always invaluable support people to me when I was in school.

If he does encounter problems, try to find ways around some of the biggest trouble spots. For example, he could eat lunch in a classroom instead of the lunchroom if the lunchroom is problematic. If bullying does occur, hopefully you can work with him and the school to minimize the amount of places that it occurs. Keep reminding him of how great he is, and let him cry to you if he needs to. But the most important thing you can do, it seems, is continue to let him be who he is because it's not worth losing yourself for a bunch of junior high kids, and give his outlets where he can succeed so he's not as bothered by the junior high kids. Also, if he's into it and they're available, a support group for Aspergers teens may be valuable.

Do I have Aspergers?

Do you find yourself confused in social situations? Are you passionately interested in a single topic? Is it tough for you to make and maintain eye contact? Then you, like many talented and intelligent adults, may be diagnosable with Aspergers.

Aspergers is different from other disorders on the autism spectrum, in part, because it is often diagnosed in older kids and adults as opposed to very young kids. That's because Aspergers is a relatively mild form of ASD which does not include problems with basic language skills. Many individuals with Aspergers are very bright and capable. The issues that emerge for individuals diagnosed with Aspergers are related specifically to social and communication skills -- skills that only become significant as individuals get older and need to negotiate complex social situations.

What Does It Mean to Have Aspergers?

What does it mean to have Aspergers? Clearly, since so many successful individuals seem to have the diagnosis (Dan Ackroyd, for one, announced his diagnosis on the air -- and rumor has it that Bill Gates may also have Aspergers) it is not a disability in the classic sense. In fact, some historians suggest that Einstein, Mozart, and Alan Turing (the inventor of the first electronic computer) may all have been diagnosable with Aspergers.

What individuals with Aspergers do have in common is a set of characteristics that may make social interaction particularly difficult. Many individuals with Aspergers have been bullied or teased as kids. They may be awkward with the opposite sex. And they may have a tough time maneuvering through complex social cues at school, at work, or elsewhere.

The Cambridge Lifespan Aspergers Service (CLASS), an organization in the United Kingdom that works with adults with Aspergers has developed a simple ten question checklist to help with a preliminary self-diagnosis. If you answered “yes” to some or most of these questions, you may decide to find out more.

• I am good at picking up details and facts.
• I can focus on certain things for very long periods.
• I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school.
• I do certain things in an inflexible, repetitive way.
• I find it hard to make small talk.
• I find it hard to work out what other individuals are thinking and feeling.
• I find social situations confusing.
• I have always had difficulty making friends.
• I have unusually strong, narrow interests.
• Individuals often say I was rude even when this was not intended.

If you do answer “yes” to many of these questions relative to yourself or a loved one, you may have uncovered an undiagnosed case of Aspergers. For some teenagers and adults, this is a tremendous relief: it puts a name on a set of issues that has troubled them throughout their lives. And it also opens the door to support, treatment, and community.

But there is no obligation to do anything at all about Aspergers. In fact, many adults feel that being having Aspergers is a point of pride. They are unique, often successful individuals who are simply … themselves!

23-year-old grandson has Aspergers...

Question:

My 23-year-old grandson has Aspergers. He is intelligent and is doing well in college -- but is lonely. He has met a woman online who wants him to move to California, and I fear for his safety. He is obsessed with moving and believes that "friends" are waiting for him. How can I help him see that he may be headed for trouble?


Answer:

In cases like this, unfortunately it seems like experience is the best teacher. I can see both sides: that of the parents convinced their child is making a potentially fatal mistake and wanting to do anything to prevent it; and of the young man who has experienced nothing but loneliness and rejection all his life and who finally believes he has a chance to make it on his own and find both friendship and love. He is not likely to be persuaded from his dreams, and you may damage your relationship with him if you push too hard.

Could you ask him more questions about the relationship? How long ago did he meet her, what are her interests, what is the thing he most loves about her, what are his plans for once he gets to California, what is his idea of an ideal relationship....subtle questions if possible to gauge how much he really even knows about her and how serious he is, and what a relationship really means to him. If it sounds serious and valid, you can be relieved; if not, you can hopefully subtly push him in the right direction. The other thing you can do is let him go, but try to get him to promise you that he will call X amount of times per day, get as much contact info as you can - her phone number and address, his itinerary, etc.

I do think that if he could just have some social success, maybe he wouldn't be so bent on chasing this lady to the other coast. And meeting other people on the spectrum through support groups could give him that. But he may or may not be interested in learning about Asperger's and meeting other people with it.

I wish I could offer you something decisive to do. If he does go, just try to prepare him for the possibility that it might not quite work out the way he thinks it will. Tell him that relationships take time and don't always work out; the most important thing you can do, actually, is not to antagonize him so that he is not too embarrassed to come home if things fall apart. Make clear to him that you love him and will support him no matter what he does, and that you will help him in any way you can and that he always has a home to come back to. Hopefully, he will spread his wings a little and keep the lines of communication open with you. Get him a cell phone if he doesn't already have one.