Who should be responsible for helping teens and young adults with Asperger’s and HFA?

Jane, a 21-year old with Asperger’s, had worked as a secretary for her father when he was alive. But when he died and the company closed, she did not seek further work. She carried on living in the family home, which became more and more neglected. Jane enjoyed novels, and was reading Tolstoy's War and Peace when the author met her, but she did not know who to contact to change a broken light fitting or how to change it herself. So she read by candlelight.

Her neighbors thought her weird, and the various doctors who saw her found her uncooperative. They believed that she was simply unmotivated to change. Although none of them said it, there was a definite implication that she was lazy and difficult. Jane continues to be dismissed by professionals as having moral failings, but not impairments.

Adolescence and young adulthood are times of identity change and identity confusion. Understandably, teens and young adults do not want to define themselves in terms of impairments, but in terms of aspirations and desires. In telling a person that she has Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), it is important to make this an accommodating and not a restrictive intervention.

There is a balance to be struck between (a) being seen as a person with impairments and (b) being seen as someone with an unobstructed and sunny future. In other words, the AS or HFA individual needs to understand that she will have to work harder in certain areas (e.g., social skills acquisition) than her “typical” peers do, yet with appropriate interventions, she can thrive in most areas just as her peers can.

Who should be responsible for helping older teens and young adults with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism?

Parents—

The first answer to this challenge is “moms and dads.” Parents readily accept this responsibility because they have felt extraordinarily responsible for their AS or HFA youngster from the time that they realized that she was different, and was in some way vulnerable to others' exploitation and influence.

Parents can – and should – be their child’s greatest advocate. The road to becoming your child’s advocate begins by being as informed as possible about AS and HFA. There are dozens of books, some more scholarly than others, that parents can read to help themselves understand that the autism spectrum disorder was not their fault and to learn patterns of behavior they have come to see in their child, but didn’t know what they meant.

The second part about being an advocate for your child is to pay careful attention to him. Learn his idiosyncrasies and pay attention to the things that work for him, along with the things that don’t. For example, if your child has certain obsessions or compulsions, understand what they are and find out ways to get around them, if needed and if possible.

The Teenager or Young Adult Herself—

Another answer is “the AS or HFA individual herself.” It is true that more and more young people on the autism spectrum are discovering alternative methods to empowerment. The Internet has provided many of these, enabling these teenagers to get in touch with each other by email, discussion groups, or through web pages. Even more helpful, the net provides a means of communicating with others that emphasizes technology know-how and de-emphasizes the subtleties of social interaction, both of which are advantages for people with AS and HFA.

Self-advocacy is another way for young people with AS and HFA to help themselves. Self-advocacy teaches these individuals to identify issues that mean the most to them. It helps them prioritize their hopes and dreams – and to make certain that nothing gets in the way of achieving their goals. Autism is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a part of who they are, but it does not define them. Once they realize this, and that they are capable and intelligent, young people on the spectrum should be able to step up and take on some of the responsibility of self-advocacy.

Self-advocacy is core communication skill. Being proficient at using this skill means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. This skill can help with stress management, boost your self-esteem, and help earn others' respect.

One aspect of being a good self-advocate is to pay careful attention to yourself. Learn your idiosyncrasies and pay attention to the things that work for you, along with the things that don’t work.

Know your strengths. Young people on the spectrum are often gifted with an above average I.Q. It’s likely that you excel in one or more academic subjects. Also, you probably have an intense interest outside of academics (e.g., music or computers). Knowing your own strengths will help you gain much needed self-confidence.

Recognize and accept your weaknesses. Just as with your strengths, you must also be mindful of your weaknesses.

Psychiatrists—

There are clinical psychologists, counselors, educators, employment specialists, neuropsychologists, occupational therapists, psychiatrists and others who have made themselves into specialists. But there is no group that has accepted that AS and HFA is part of their mission. This means that parents and their “special needs” children are constantly the subject of turf wars in which they find themselves being referred back and forth until someone takes responsibility for their care, or until they give up and break contact with services altogether.

AS and HFA are neurobiologic disorders with a strong heritability. Twin studies suggest that genetic and environmental factors often may interact. In addition, outcome is influenced by social and emotional factors. Thus, AS and HFA would appear to be a psychiatrist’s “bread and butter” – disorders that require the combination of knowledge of brain development, environmental factors, and psychology.

Moreover, there is an association between AS/HFA and psychiatric disorder. One recent study showed that 32% of young adults with an autistic spectrum disorder had been diagnosed with another disorder, most commonly depression (56%). Although autism itself does not respond to medication, comorbid conditions do.

A range of medical disorders is reportedly more common in AS and HFA. These include epilepsy, disorders affecting brain development in childhood (e.g., hydrocephalus, tuberous sclerosis, neurofibromatosis), congenital perceptual disorders affecting early social interaction (e.g., congenital disorders of visual acuity and congenital causes of deafness), and disorders affecting motor control (e.g., myotonia and myopathy).

Given all these considerations, there is a strong case for psychiatrists to take responsibility for young people with AS and HFA. And not just any psychiatrists, but the same psychiatrists who deal with “neurodevelopmental disorders” (i.e., disorders that typically manifest early in development often before the youngster enters grade school, and those that are characterized by developmental deficits that produce impairments of personal, social, academic, or occupational functioning).

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Asperger’s and HFA Teens as Aggressors

"Any strategies for dealing with an angry 17 y.o. teenager (autistic - high functioning) who has been more and more aggressive towards us, the parents, and his siblings?"

Many children and teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are regularly victimized, and even more regularly misunderstood. Naturally, they and their parents feel that they are unjustly treated and inappropriately discriminated against. They are the victims of a society that puts a considerable premium on reciprocal social relationships.

Considering young people with AS and HFA as aggressors seems to fall-in with exactly the kind of stigma that has led to the injustice in the past. Nonetheless, aggression is a common problem, as many moms and dads will privately admit (in one survey, 40% of parents of autistic children reported “hitting other people” to be a problem).

Warning signs that an AS or HFA teen may become aggressive include:

• Being cruel to pets
• Fantasizing about acts of violence he would like to commit
• Obsessively playing violent video games
• Watching violent movies
• Visiting websites that promote or glorify violence
• Playing with weapons of any kind
• Threatening or bullying others

Aggression in teens on the autism spectrum can develop for several reasons: 

1. Membership card in a deviant group
2. Special interest
3. Defensive aggression
4. Gaining ascendancy
5. Outrage
6. Retaliation
7. Self-preservation
8. Difficulties with emotional processing

Let’s look at each of these in turn…

1.  Membership Card—

Young people on the autism spectrum are often teased, bullied, and ostracized from their peer group. One option for someone who feels like an “outcast” is to ally himself with other marginalized or disruptive kids. By the time such a child becomes a teenager, his group membership may be in jeopardy, and he may have to behave more outrageously – and sometimes more aggressively – in order to fit-in. However, aggression is not usually the central method of staying in the group. This subgroup of teens may be engaged in other “normal” criminal and antisocial activities (e.g., alcohol and drug abuse, vandalism, theft of property, etc.). These are “typical” misdemeanors of adolescence, but are not usual misdemeanors in teens with AS or HFA. However, the autistic teen who carries out these apparent typical crimes, and who does so in a group, is often different from other group members. He will often be encouraged by the other members of the group to be the one who breaks the window or the one to drop the match. And, if property is stolen, the autistic teen will rarely know what to do with it or how to profit from it.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

2.  Special Interests—

Some teens with AS and HFA become fascinated with powerful others. This may be expressed through an interest in worldwide wrestling or martial arts training. They may have a special interest in fire that can lead to arson. There is often a period of covert fire setting in the garden or in a local woods that precedes the incident that comes to public attention. AS and HFA teens who have such an interest enjoy looking at fires and feel satisfaction from setting a fire. They may use fire-setting to escape a situation (e.g., setting a fire in the classroom), or they may use fires to pay back others. An interest in fire may persist for many years. Special sexual interests also may be a problem for these “special needs” teens.

3.  Defensive Aggression—

Although there is no reason to suppose the families with an AS or HFA child are more troubled than those of anyone else, there is every reason to think they are as troubled. A teen or young adult on the spectrum who is brought up in a troubled family may have to fight back to defend himself, and this aggression may spill out into other situations. However, there is one kind of defensive aggression that occurs even in children with AS and HFA whose families of origin have been aggression-free. This is when aggression is intended to terminate an aversive stimulus (e.g., a high-pitched sound). There was a report of one man with AS who tried to strangle a little girl who was crying in a supermarket, because he could not bear the noise. There have been other reports of AS individuals who have become violent when hearing certain kinds of music. In addition, aggression may result if an AS or HFA teen's belongings are upset or if he is interrupted in an activity that is important to him. An example of this is a 12-year-old boy with AS who hit his sister with a baseball bat because she pulled the plug of the computer when he was immersed in a game. He broke his sister's arm, and still, some years later, thought that was justified.

4.  Gaining Ascendancy—

Some of the most serious acts of aggression are committed by AS and HFA teens who feel so isolated and so powerless that they feel they have nothing to lose. In these circumstances, an act of violence that makes others take notice can become the stuff of daydreams, and can then be translated into practice. This kind of aggression often has a detached quality, almost like an experiment. Indeed, the AS or HFA teen may sometimes say, “I wanted to see what would happen.” An example of this is a 16-year-old female with AS who lived with her father, his new wife and their newborn. This teen was left to look after the baby and wanted to see what would happen if she mixed ground glass into the baby's food, which she did.



==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens


5.  Outrage—

Entering the teenage years feeling lonely and powerless, struggling with learning difficulties, and having other people attribute both of these problems to personal shortcomings, are all unpleasant experiences. In this situation, two options often seem to present themselves:

• Aggression is an easy route to outrage, although usually it is incidental to a wider strategy of disrupting a social situation. An AS or HFA child may just need to refuse to obey school rules, swear at the teacher, or knock down school furniture. As the child reaches adolescence, more serious acts may be necessary to produce outrage, and these can involve aggression.
• Another option is to become the class joker who is prepared to do the craziest things to be a member of the gang or to become outrageous. Outrage has the advantage that other’s reactions to it are extreme, and therefore easier to read. It also provides a sense of power, at least if others are distressed by it.

6.  Retaliation—

Many young people with AS and HFA have strict codes of behavior that often include a dislike or even hatred of violence. However, even among them, aggression can be a problem when the teen or young adult becomes frustrated, feels unfairly treated, or feels excluded. The autistic teen can convince himself that aggression is justified in these circumstances. Aggression toward younger siblings may be a problem, as may aggression at school. But, the usual arena is at home.

This kind of aggression may be explosive, in which case there is often a sharp onset and a sharp offset. The teenager with AS or HFA may even be unaware of the impact of his aggression. As one parent stated, “He calmed down immediately, long before we could feel calm. He just seems to want to carry on as if nothing had happened. If we try to talk about the outburst, we can set him off again.” Outbursts of this kind may begin at an early age. Counter-violence makes matters worse, but it is a solution that often appeals to fathers. Withdrawal during the outburst, and then discussing how it felt to be on the receiving end of it, are often useful, but dealing with this level of aggression can be one of the most difficult aspects of living with a child on the autism spectrum.

7.  Self-preservation—

Young people with AS and HFA have a lively sense of self-preservation. They may therefore suppress an aggressive response to a bully or another aggressor, but turn the aggression on to a more vulnerable person later, who may have had nothing to do with the situation. The target of aggression is most likely to be the mother, or later in life, the spouse.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

8.  Difficulties with Emotional Processing—

Emotional processing is difficult for teens on the spectrum. They can’t tell themselves to “just forget it” or “life's too short to worry so much.” They want answers – and they want justice. A teen who has a clinic appointment may start to worry about this for several days, and then may ask repeated questions about what will happen, the route to be taken, and so on. Outbursts may happen during this period of heightened stress. Incidents that have happened in the past (sometimes many years before) may linger in the mind of an older teen or young adult with AS or HFA, and may resurface at regular intervals. When they do, it is as if he is re-experiencing the episode over again, and he may become suddenly and unexpectedly aggressive.

Treatment—

The unexpectedness of the timing and of the target of aggression makes risk assessment particularly difficult. Treatment also can be difficult because the AS or HFA teen, lacking empathy for others' reactions to his violence, may continue to feel that violence is justified. When aggression is a symptom of irritability, treatment of an underlying mood disorder may be useful. In the rare cases in which aggression is a symptom, anticonvulsants may be useful. Many doctors use “mood stabilizing” drugs in the absence of a mood disorder. However, this is most often because it reassures the doctor and the parents that something is being done, rather than that the drug has a specific effect.

How Parents Can Help—

The challenge for moms and dads is to help their AS or HFA teen cope with emotions and deal with aggressive tendencies in a more constructive way. Here are just a few tips:

• Try to uncover what’s behind the aggression. Is your teen anxious, sad or depressed? Does he have feelings of inadequacy because his peers don’t accept him?
• Manage your own temper. You can’t help your “special needs” teen if you lose your temper too. As difficult as it sounds, remain calm and balanced no matter how much your teen provokes you. If you or other family members scream, hit each other, or throw things, your AS or HFA teen will naturally assume that these are appropriate ways to express himself.
• Help your teen find healthy ways to relieve tension. Exercise or team sports can help relieve aggressive tendencies. Many “special needs” teens also use art or writing to creatively express their rage. Dancing or playing along to loud music can also provide relief.
• Give your teen a place to retreat. When he is upset, allow him to retreat to a place where it’s safe to cool off. Don’t follow him and demand apologies or explanations while he is still raging. This will only prolong the anger, or even provoke aggression.
• Establish rules and consequences. At a time when both you and your teenager are calm, explain that there’s nothing wrong with feeling anger, but there are unacceptable ways of expressing it. If he lashes out, he will have to face the consequences (e.g., loss of privileges, police involvement, etc.). AS and HFA teens need structure and consistent rules more than “typical” teens do.
• Be aware of warning signs and triggers. Does your AS or HFA teen get headaches or start to pace before exploding? Does a certain teacher or class at school always trigger rage? When your teenager can identify the warning signs that his temper is starting to boil, it allows him to take steps to defuse the rage before it gets out of control.

Dealing with an aggressive AS or HFA teenager is not easy, and it can be hard to trace back the original causes of aggressive behavior. If parents are concerned about their teen’s aggression, they should seek advice from a professional. Oftentimes, teens on the autism spectrum who demonstrate aggression towards others simply need help developing social and communicating skills.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

"Letting Go" of Adult Children with Aspergers

There's always an explanation. A 23-year-old Aspergers college grad wants to hold out for the right job rather than jump into an underpaid makeshift position. Rents are so inflated. A 24-year-old Aspergers daughter moving out of her boyfriend's apartment couldn't possibly afford a place of her own. With two bedrooms to spare, parents can re-house her -- right?

Whatever the reason, young adults (even some without Aspergers) are returning home in increasing numbers—following graduation, the dissolution of a relationship or the loss of a job. They often live rent-free and subsidized, with no scheduled date for departure. But while much attention has been paid to live-at-home "adultescents," little has been said about their parents, many of whom are Baby Boomers who greet their boomerang children with open arms. For a variety of emotional and demographic reasons—their desire to be close with their children, a yearning for youth—many of today's parents (the original Peter Pan generation) just don't want their adult kids to grow up.

As parents, coming to terms with our adult kid's limitations also means facing our own...In midlife, a central aspect of parents' identity is how our kids have turned out; that is, what kind of adults they have become. The lives of grown kids constitute an important lens through which we judge ourselves and our accomplishments; it is through reconsidering their adult successes and failures that we seek, retroactively, to validate the kinds of parents we were and the responsible caring we provided.

What distinguishes baby-boom parents from those of earlier generations is how much importance we place on our kids' inner psychological qualities as well as their educational and occupational success, moral and ethical values, and satisfaction in their relationships.

A recent study that examined how we evaluate our adult kid's achievements and adjustment - and how those assessments affect how we feel about ourselves - indicated that wanting our kids to be personally fulfilled is a goal unique to our generation. Having gone to sometimes extraordinary lengths to ensure it, it's no surprise that our kids grow up expecting us to provide it and give up the responsibility for finding it themselves, in the places that truly adult people discover it; in the satisfactions of work, love, connection, commitment, self-sufficiency and achievement. We cannot make our grown kids happy: As long as we expect that we can, they will, too. And we will both be disappointed.

It may be very difficult to move away from a job that wasn't done perfectly, especially parenting, but parenting skills were never designed to work for grown kids. We need to define the limits of our relationships with them and our involvement in their problems, since those are the only limits we can set now. We need to find ways to stay in meaningful contact with them while we work through our own midlife tasks of coming to terms with our gains and losses, reconsolidating our identity, and reclaiming our lives now that we have reached the limits of our parental role.

What is called the "post-parental imperative" demands that we make sense of who and what matters when we return to the self we put aside to raise our kids. Because we've done that -- whether we think we flunked or passed parenting, it's over. We won't get another chance at it, which is the good as well as the bad news. Our job now is to come to terms with the choices we've made in our own lives, abandon some dreams and commit to fulfilling others, allow the silenced voices inside us to be heard, and make the most of the time that's left. We can do that - we must do that - regardless of whether our kids ever achieve what we still believe is their golden, unlimited potential. But that will only be possible if we start concentrating on our own lives while we're waiting for them to get lives of their own.

Moms and dads used to let go when their kids reached age 18. The idea was, “If you can go to jail, I'm no longer responsible for you.” But that changed during the 1990s, when Baby Boomers' kids turned 18 and devoted parents realized that they had poured their emotional and financial resources into their kids from the get-go. Hyper-investment is hard to turn off.

Some argue that perma-parenting stems from the indulgence of an immature and spoiled generation. Others blame the phenomenon on the heavy hand of social and economic forces. And our very definition of adulthood is in flux—with a homestead no longer a key component of adult identity.

But a rising chorus of psychologists and sociologists says parents simply aren't letting go when they ought to—not only impeding their kid's adult independence but also hampering their own post-parenting lives. In the absence of an acute crisis or devastating financial setback, the consensus is that moms and dads should look twice at the reasons they continue to shelter their grown offspring. If parents can get over the idea that they're not being 'parent enough' or that their children still 'need' them, then they can get on with their new lives.

Letting Go Of Your Adult Aspergers Child—

1. Chain her in her room so she cannot leave. Alright, you can’t do that. Instead be grateful that you have raised an independent child who is ready to take life’s next step.

2. Have a ‘set down’ with him before he leaves. Use this time to discuss finances and checkbooks. Explain carefully about the Devil called CREDIT CARD and how it sneaks up on college students and steals their souls. Ok, it is not that serious, but…! Tell him about some of your experiences—good and bad—when you were first on your own. In that way you can answer some questions before he ever has to ask them.

3. Move into the dorm with him. Well, now, wouldn’t that be a sight? Mamma’s boy has to have mommy live in the dorm with him. Besides, I am not sure, but I think there are rules against that kind of thing. And it makes you look like your family tree has no branches on it.

4. Plan a day for just the two of you to spend together. Take off work and just play. It may require some planning ahead. Just remember if you plan to hike on an unmaintained trail in the mountains, take extra food and water, a flashlight with extra batteries, a GPS, a satellite phone, and a book on how to send smoke signals.

5. Write a letter to your youngster for her to read once she gets to school, basic training, or wherever she is off to. Use the time to tell her how proud you are of her and list the reasons why you know she will be successful. Emphasize the wonderful qualities she possesses so she can go back and re-read them later when she is feeling down. Stress the fact that you are a phone call or an email away and that you will come running if she ever needs you.

6. Be brave on the big day. Try not to cry and cling to him and say things like “I’m losing my baby” through hysterical tears. It really embarrassed one of my kids.

7. Go home and get a life! For so many years, this youngster has been the center of your universe. Now there is a huge hole in that life and you need to fill it up as quickly as possible. Take up a hobby, join a club, do volunteer work or run for President. Do anything that focuses on you and the future instead of the void in your soul.

8. Remember that she is not gone forever. You will again hear the phone ringing incessantly and doors banging. But from now on, whether you admit or not, it is something of a relief when the house gets quiet again and you can look forward to the next visit.

9. Remember, they are not so sad. Don’t expect them to cry. Instead you may hear things like, “Well, Mom, I think we are set here. You should get on the road.” In their minds, they are rubbing their hands together with a sinister laugh thinking, “Oh boy, I am free from the mother bonds now. I can do anything I want to do.” It is okay—think back to how you felt. Just try not to remember those things you did you never wanted your mother or father to find out about. I am a big believer in the fact that I don’t need to know everything!

10. The only thing worse than letting go of your youngster is never getting her out of the house. When you are sad, just picture a 35 year old playing video games yelling to you for more ice cream or chips while you are doing her laundry and cleaning her room because she is still not doing it.

11. You and your youngster are moving into a new relationship that is great! When you can stop being just a parent and move into the friendship stage of your relationship, your world becomes complete. You can be each other’s confidantes and buddies. It is the best! You are no longer responsible for anything where this soul is concerned. You can just love him. You can feel pride from watching him making a difference in the world, just like he always made a difference in yours. Look forward to that companionship!

The combination of high rents and an unstable job market, increased college attendance and delayed marriage and parenting conspire to inch the age of perceived adulthood upward. According to a study by the National Opinion Research Center, most Americans don't consider a person an adult until age 26, or until she or he has finished school, landed a full-time job, and begun to raise a family. Living independently from one's parents is expected by an average age of 21, yet living on one's own is considered less of a determining factor in reaching adulthood (only 29 percent say it's an "extremely important" step) than completing an education (73 percent) and supporting a family (60 percent).

Shifting parental attitudes toward boomerang children have much to do with generational differences, the result of each generation correcting and overcorrecting the excesses of the previous one. The wave that preceded the Boomers, the Swing, or Silent, generation (born during the Depression and World War II, 1930-1945) and their kids, Generation X (born 1965-1978), were brought up during eras of economic recession, reduced birthrates and familial instability, when raising children was not a societal focal point. Moms and dads of Boomers were eager for their children to grow up and leave the household so that they could be free to pursue their own lives. Boomeranging home was a mark of failure for both kids and parents.

In contrast, the Baby Boomers themselves (born between 1946 and 1964) and their Echo Boomer offspring (1979 and 1994) have had the happy fortune to be born during periods of prosperity and family growth that place an emphasis on parenthood.

All this attention, it turns out, has been directed toward raising well-adjusted and well-rounded children, and guiding those self-same children into fulfilled adulthood, creating patterns along the way. Previous generations emphasized education and financial independence over all else for their kids. In contrast, Boomers are the first generation for whom their kid's emotional fulfillment is a primary goal. Their parental mantra has been, 'Be happy or I'll kill you.' In an effort to gratify their children, Boomers have become unusually invested in their lives—determined to have an authentic, intimate relationship with their kids.

To achieve this level of chumminess, moms and dads have often acted less like stern grownups and more like their children' peers, joining the youth culture wholeheartedly at the mall, even purchasing the same teen-oriented clothes for themselves. This closeness continues and strengthens as Echo Boomers reach early adulthood. The generation gap used to be a significant barrier between parents and adult children. But today's fifty-something parent and twenty-something youngster have a lot of the same values and desires.

Today's twenty-somethings and their moms and dads communicate better and are closer. Indeed, in a survey of 1,003 high school students, a whopping 78 percent said that "having close family relationships" ranked highest (above money and fame, among other things) in defining success. But closeness also creates problems. It becomes hard for these parents to say, 'I'm the leader in this family and it's time for you to go'. We've gotten too friendly with our children.

Studies suggest that grown children' well-being is a major determinant of well-being for midlife parents. But over-identification with adult kids means moms and dads can lose perspective on what's best for one or both parties. You see your children' successes and failures as your own and thus try to immunize your youngster against failure. With such a high level of emotional and financial investment, many parents see the status of their adult kids as a final parental exam. And moms and dads don't want a bad grade—either for themselves or for their children.

Not surprisingly, parental involvement in children' lives has pushed its way onto campuses, where "helicopter parents" hover, trying to help their children through college financially, emotionally and even academically. Moms and dads have been known to intervene in roommate disputes following an emotional e-mail plea from a youngster, or call a professor to question a grade. In response, universities are scheduling special parent orientation events, hiring parental "liaisons" to handle questions and demands, and firing off terse-but-diplomatic guidelines.

Many Boomers don't seem to be trying all that hard to empty the nest. Boomerang children are staying at home so they can save money to rent or buy a place of their own instead of living with roommates. Often, they're spending lots of money on clothes and cars and vacations in the process. Unless we put our foot down, why should they move out?

But it's not just privileged white children hanging out at home. Working-class twenty-somethings have long boomeranged following high school or vocational training because entry-level wages make independent living a financial challenge. Still, lower income Americans today are even less able to be independent than just a decade ago. Furthermore, America's growing diversity means more adult kids at home come from immigrant and ethnic communities in which living at home during one's twenties is normative and even favorable. A national survey of Latinos found that 78 percent agreed "it is better for kids to live in their parents' home until they get married."

Perhaps expectations are higher as well. Many experts say today's twenty-somethings don't want to downscale by sharing a walk-up with three roommates when their middle class parents have a house where they can crash. Boomers don't want their children to rough it either. Emotional and financial dependence is a two-way street. This generation has taken it upon themselves to make their grown children happy. We've abrogated our responsibility to insist they make a life for themselves. Instead we're providing it for them. Often, if moms and dads don't house their grown children, those with extra cash will help an adult child purchase a home.

Perma-parents suffer potential financial and emotional repercussions. The empty-nest years are a crucial time for adults to bone up for retirement, rather than pay off their youngster's credit cards or feed another mouth. Keeping the children also prevents couples from reconfiguring their lives in a post-parenting marriage, when, historically, many marriages break up. When marriages do end in divorce, or when one spouse dies, moms and dads may be especially inclined to reconnect with their adult children.

The empty nest is doubly empty when you don't share it with a partner. Nevertheless, for women who find themselves widowed or divorced in their 50s or 60s, being too involved in adult kids's lives can be a big mistake. They have decades ahead and need to find a way to approach their lives as individuals.

Married or not, adults who re-feather the nest past its prime postpone their own personal development. During the late 1990s, a spate of books with titles like Give Them Wings or As You Leave Home: Parting Thoughts from a Loving Parent appeared to address the challenge of accepting kid's adulthood. But despite the temptations—pleas for help from adult kids, the desire to pitch in financially, the urge not to let go—experts agree that having children at home is generally a bad idea.

Unless the youngster is suffering from a crisis, adult kids belong on their own; empty nest parents have their own lives to attend to. Boomeranging home may not be such a bad idea for twenty-somethings, but it may not be best for parents. Moms and dads like being in a position to help their children, and they like the fact that they get along well enough to live together. But parents are usually ready by then to move on with their own lives.

Indeed, many psychologists believe the post-parenting period is one in which people have the opportunity to reconfigure their identities—to relocate, downshift or change a career, become more involved in the community, take continuing education courses or learn new creative skills. Carl Jung in particular emphasized the importance of this last stage of development. Having an adult child lurking around the house and feeding off the parental nest egg robs moms and dads of some of this latitude. These parents end up impeding their own transition into a new period of adulthood. It's a flight from life. Perma-parents, perhaps it's time to grow up!

Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Aspergers Children and Attachment Problems

Delays and atypical behaviors related to Aspergers (high functioning autism) are observable in the first 2 years of life. Some babies with Aspergers show less-than-expected interest and pleasure in other people. Infants with Aspergers may share interests and activities less and may even babble less than other infants. Your baby may seem less interested in communicating through sounds or physical gestures, and his speech may be delayed to some extent or robotically copied from books or TV shows.

Kids with Aspergers tend to display better attachment to parents than kids with more severe forms of classical autism. However, you may notice that despite your youngster’s bonding with you, he still has difficulty connecting with her peers. Later in childhood, he may be more likely to engage in conversation (although this often is one-way conversation) with you and other adults than with his peers.

One mother of an Aspergers child recalls:

“My daughter was very much in her own world and I rarely felt that she and I connected; it was an odd feeling.”

Some children with Aspergers often appear to prefer being alone to the company of others and may passively accept such things as hugs and cuddling without reciprocating, or resist attention altogether. Later, they may seldom seek comfort from others or respond to parents' displays of anger or affection in a typical way. Research has suggested that although Aspergers children are attached to their parents, their expression of this attachment is unusual and difficult to interpret. Moms and dads who looked forward to the joys of cuddling, teaching, and playing with their child may feel disappointed by this lack of expected attachment behavior.

How Parents Can Help—

What exactly is it that highly-skilled parents do that helps the Aspergers child form a secure attachment?

Being sensitive and responsive to very young children seems to be the key. This means you are there when the child needs you and that you can be counted on to meet his needs, especially social needs.

Parents who are responsive to young children respond quickly to their needs, and they respond in a way that is in tune to the child. The adults who develop secure attachments with their very young children respond to crying more quickly. They are also more affectionate when they respond than parents who have kids that are not attached. Secure children know that adults will take care of them. This makes them easier to be around and they are easier to comfort.

Sensitive parents are also careful not to over-stimulate their young children. Kids need lots of loving. And they usually enjoy playing with adults. But it is easy for them to get overexcited. Very young children cannot walk away from you when they have had enough. But they do give signals. If the child looks down or won't look at you, it usually means that he is tired and wants to be left alone. A sensitive parent understands this. The mother or father leaves the young child alone for a while to let him calm down.

A sensitive parent reacts to the child's signals. The interaction has turn-taking, like a game of ping-pong. First the child sends a signal. This may be a sound or a look or a movement. The parent notices and signals back -- by imitating the sound, touching the foot that moved, or simply telling the child what she just did. Then the young child responds again, and the adult responds back again. The child and the parent carefully react to each other. Very young children who receive this high quality interaction are more likely to develop a secure attachment. This type of interaction also helps develop children's thinking skills.

Watch yourself the next time you are attending to your young Aspergers child. Are you talking and playing with him while also tending to his needs? If the answer is yes, then you know that you are doing much more than simply meeting the child's physical needs. You are also helping the child learn to trust adults and to feel safe and secure. Taking the time to "connect" with the Aspergers child is vitally important.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

“Learned Helplessness” in Adult Children on the Autism Spectrum

In working with families affected by Autism over the years, I’ve noticed that a lot of young adults (ages 20 – 30 approximately) are still living at home with their mother and father, not out of true need, but out of what is known as “learned helplessness.”

This phenomenon occurs when a young adult comes to believe that he has little (or no) control over his life, and that whatever he does to try to change a “bad” situation is futile. As a result, this “discouraged” individual will stay passive in the face of any unpleasant, harmful or damaging state of affairs, even when he actually does have the ability to improve his circumstances.

As a parent of an adult child on the autism spectrum, you may want to copy and print the following information and share it with your “late-bloomer” (especially if he is a legal adult who feels powerless to “leave the nest” and start his own life):

Learned helplessness can be thought of as believing you are incompetent, that you have no control over the outcome, that it doesn’t matter what you do since outcomes no longer depend on actions, and that your actions are pointless. To qualify as true “learned helplessness,” the phenomenon should meet the following three conditions:

1. The adult child has to become inappropriately passive.
2. This change has to follow exposure to uncontrollable events.
3. There is a change in the way the adult child thinks about her ability to control similar future events.

The adult child with learned helplessness has certain rationalizations and self-talk that often go something like this:

• “Adopting a passive stance provides me with a sense of control over my life circumstances.”
• “Beating my head against a brick wall wastes time and energy and is potentially harmful.”
• “Hope has its limits.”
• “Persistent attempts to control the uncontrollable are futile.”
• “Remaining passive allows me to conserve energy when the ‘evidence’ tells me there is simply nothing else for me to do.”

When important things happen, we tend to explain what caused the outcome. The way we explain misfortune can be analyzed along two dimensions known as “locus of control” and “generality”:

1. Locus of control: An “internal” locus of control refers to the tendency to take personal responsibility for the outcome. An “external” locus of control refers to the tendency to attribute the outcome to external events.

2. Generality: Generality refers to considering the outcome as an isolated one-time event, or as a permanent condition. Generality has the dimensions of time and scope:

• Causes lasting for only a limited time are called “unstable,” while those lasing for a long time are referred to as “permanent.”
• Limited scope is called “specific,” while general scope is called “global.”

Young adults with learned helplessness tend to (a) have an external locus of control (e.g., “I have no control over what happens to me”), and (b) view unwanted outcomes as permanent (e.g., “Because I didn’t get hired for that job this time, I probably won’t get hired for any other job ever”).

Consider these four different ways of explaining why you did poorly on a job interview...

Specific time and scope:

• “I didn’t prepare this time for this job interview” (internal locus of control).
• “The person doing the interview wasn’t fair” (external locus of control).

General time and scope:

• “I’m never any good at being interviewed for a job” (internal locus of control).
• “All job interviews are unfair” (external locus of control).

People have characteristic explanatory styles they habitually use to explain why things happen. Attributing causes to “internal specific” factors explains outcomes in terms of behaviors (e.g., “I didn’t get hired for the job this time”). The unwanted outcome is attributed to a single isolated instance of poor performance. This is an “optimistic” explanatory style for bad outcomes, because your behavior can be modified to best suit specific events.

Attributing causes to “internal general” factors explains outcomes in terms of character traits. (e.g., “I didn’t get hired for the job because I’m incompetent now and always”). This is “pessimistic” for bad outcomes, because character traits remain largely constant over time.

Now consider the possible explanations when something good happens. Here are four different ways of explaining why you got hired for a desirable job:

Specific time and scope:

• “I was skillful in answering the interviewer’s questions this time” (internal locus of control).
• “This interviewer was fair this time” (external locus of control).

General time and scope:

• “I’m usually skillful, especially with answering questions during job interviews” (internal locus of control).
• “The job market is getting better. I must have got lucky this time” (external locus of control).

Here the optimistic individual takes full credit when things go well, attributing the good outcome to internal rather than external factors. The optimist takes broad credit for good outcomes, but narrow responsibility for bad outcomes. Attributing the good fortune to your generally good character (rather than specific behavior) is optimistic. The optimist:

• Adopts an external locus of control when things go bad
• Allows himself to dream and see possibilities
• Attributes bad outcomes to external factors and rare circumstances, or to narrowly isolated mistakes
• Discounts or dismisses risks 
• Fuels aspirations of hope
• Inspires others
• Is bold
• Is undaunted by defeat
• Is unlikely to suffer from anxiety or depression
• Personalizes and adopts an internal locus of control when things go well
• Recovers quickly from setbacks
• Seeks to advance
• Seizes the possibilities
• Sustains the effort and persistence required to overcome obstacles
• Takes broad personal credit for good outcomes

 ==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

On the other hand, the pessimistic individual attributes good outcomes to external events, including uncharacteristically good luck. The pessimist blames himself broadly for bad outcomes, but attributes good outcomes to external factors. The pessimist:

• Adopts an external locus of control when things go well
• Attributes good outcomes to external factors or luck
• Blames himself broadly for bad outcomes
• Highlights and emphasizes risks
• Highlights problems
• Is likely to suffer from anxiety and depression
• Is overly concerned with safety
• Is timid, conservative, and protects what he has
• Personalizes and adopts an internal locus of control when things go bad
• Promotes caution, critical thinking, skepticism, and defensive measures
• Recovers slowly, if at all, from setbacks
• Wallows in defeat

Explanatory Styles—

Research shows that explanatory styles are primarily “learned” rather than inherited. You learned how to explain bad things from three main sources:

1. You learned your own explanatory style from major life crises. If you experienced a crisis (e.g., a house fire, divorced parents, bullying, poverty, etc.), you noticed if those major life-stressors got resolved after a short period of time, or if they persisted for a long period of time. If the crisis got resolved quickly, then you learned to believe that adversity is specific, temporary, and can be overcome. If the crisis expanded and never ended, you learned to believe that adversity is permanent and pervasive.

2. You modeled how your mother and/or father explained adverse events. If your parents tended to blame themselves (or you) broadly when bad things happened, you probably noticed and learned this pessimistic style.

3. You learned your explanatory style from the other adults that cared for, disciplined, taught, and criticized you (e.g., teachers, coaches, other authority figures). When these adults blamed your character or personality whenever bad things happened, you quickly learned to blame yourself using personal, permanent, and pervasive explanations for why things go wrong.

The style you learned for explaining adversity typically persists throughout adult life. But, you can learn to dispute your pessimistic explanations. If you tend toward pessimism for adverse events, you can learn to dispute your own reasoning and adopt more objective, accurate, and optimistic explanations. Remember that in blaming yourself for a bad outcome, you are accepting a fallacy of “disproportionate responsibility.” Generally, many causes contribute to each result, outcome, event, or incident. For example, the causes contributing to an automobile accident may include:

• choice of route
• choice of time and schedule
• choice of vehicle
• design of the automobile
• design of the road system
• driver attention
• driver preparation
• driver training
• maintenance of the automobile
• manufacture of the automobile
• obstacles
• other cars and drivers on the road
• passenger behavior
• pedestrians
• traffic signals
• weather conditions

...and numerous other factors

So, be objective when assessing blame or taking credit. Divide the responsibility for the bad result (or good result) evenly among all those involved in the situation, based on how their inactions (or actions) affected the result. Maybe you must take some of the blame, or deserve some of the credit, but it is unlikely you or they are 100% responsible for the outcome. Become your own defense attorney, re-examining the evidence, challenging assumptions, considering other possibilities, and offering alternative explanations.

Let’s use the “job interview” example again to illustrate this concept...

You didn’t get the job following an interview, so you automatically blame yourself, believing “I’m just not any good at making a good first impression.” As a result, you feel ashamed, mildly depressed, discouraged, or overwhelmed. Now it is time to recognize that you are not helpless – it’s time to dispute your hasty, inaccurate, and pessimistic conclusion.

What does the evidence say? Certainly you have made a good first impression in your lifetime to get to where you are now. You were able to make at least a few friends over the years who liked you and wanted to spend time with you. You “won them over” by making a good first impression. This evidence clearly disputes your pessimistic belief that you are never any good at impressing people.

What additional contributing causes are there for you not getting hired based on one job interview? Maybe you were upset about some recent problem (e.g., a fight with your lover, your car broke down, etc.). Maybe you were under unusual stress, needed extra help from a job coach, didn’t prepare adequately for the interview, or didn’t get a good night's sleep the night before. Maybe the person conducting the interview was looking for someone with a specific skill-set. With so many factors at work, it’s inaccurate to attribute blame entirely to yourself, and it is certainly an over-generalization to extrapolate from this one occurrence to a general, pervasive, and persistent conclusion. 

A more accurate explanation is that you did poorly on this particular job interview for some isolated reason (e.g., poor preparation, lack of experience with interviews, fear of being under-qualified for this particular job, etc.). This isolated problem can certainly be overcome, and there is no need to feel ashamed or helpless. Put this setback into the past, address any specific issues, and go about preparing for the next job interview. Take responsibility only for what you did and what you can change.

Learned helplessness is also pertinent to your health. Several studies show that an optimistic explanatory style is linked to good health, and a pessimistic explanatory style predicts poor health. Mechanisms probably include biological, emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal factors. Research also suggests that learned helplessness is an important mechanism contributing to passive behavior in aging, athletic performance, chronic pain, and unemployment.

As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right.”

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Traits of ASD that May Influence Criminal Behavior

“I'm currently studying law and was wanting to know what some of the characteristic features are that predispose to criminal offending for teens with [high-functioning] autism?”

First of all, let me be clear that there is little to no evidence that teens on the autism spectrum engage in criminal behavior any more than the general population of similar age. Second, the following characteristics may apply to some “typical” teenagers, not just those with ASD:

1.   Social naivety and the misinterpretation of relationships can leave the autistic teen open to exploitation as a stooge. His or her limited emotional knowledge can lead to a childish approach to adult situations and relationships, resulting in social blunders (e.g., in the mistaking of social attraction or friendship for love).

2.   Overriding obsessions can lead to offenses (e.g., stalking, compulsive theft). Harshly reprimanding the teen can increase anxiety - and consequently a reflective thinking of the unthinkable that increases the likelihood of repeating the offense.

3.   Misinterpreting rules, particularly social ones, teens on the spectrum may find themselves unwittingly embroiled in offenses (e.g., date rape).

4.   Lacking motivation to change, these young people may remain stuck in a risky pattern of behavior.

5.   For those teens who have been traumatized by teasing, rejection, and bullying from their peer group, “revenge-seeking behavior” may become their method of establishing equality (i.e., to even the score).

6.   The teen’s tendency to misjudge relationships and consequences can result in a risky openness (i.e., dangerous self-disclosure) and the revealing of private fantasies which, although no more shocking than any teen’s, are best not revealed.

7.   Impulsivity, sometimes violent, can be a component of comorbid ADHD or of anxiety turning into panic.

8.   Difficulty in judging the age of others can lead the teenager into illegal relationships and acts (e.g., sexual advances to somebody under age).

9.   An innate lack of concern for the outcome can be problematic (e.g., an assault that is disproportionately intense and damaging). Young people on the spectrum often lack insight and deny responsibility, blaming someone else, which may be part of an inability to see their inappropriate behavior as others see it.

10.   An innate lack of awareness of the outcome can lead the teen to embark on actions with unforeseen consequences (e.g., fire-setting may result in a building’s destruction).

Many of the traits listed above affect the teen’s ability to make logical decisions, thus limiting his or her level of responsibility. Whether the teen is identified as an “offender” (as distinct from someone who has committed an offense) depends on chance factors in his or her environment (e.g., effectiveness of his/her supervision, the recognition of ASD and the understanding of those around.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

Aspergers Adolescents & Suicide

Email from a father of an Aspergers son:

In Orange County, California a young adolescent killed two neighbors before committing suicide. He had not worked since graduating high school two years earlier. It sounded like a bizarre mystery to me when I first learned of this through the news outlets. I figured the fact that this person did not have a job was a factor in the outcome. It seemed like depression and rage took over.

Today when driving to our social skills therapy appointment, the talk radio station I listen to had an update on the young man who committed the crimes. It was stated that he suffered from Aspergers. On the one hand I was quite surprised to hear this since I do not recall those with Aspergers being violent.

Over the years I have heard that there is a suicide risk among those with Aspergers. Moms & dads, families and teachers need to keep a watchful eye on the emerging adolescent who has Aspergers. Know the warning signs and learn about the three D's = drugs, depression and dangerous activity.

Some refer to Aspergers as the Geek Syndrome, with many referring to themselves as an Aspie. The term NT means neurotypical, another way of saying normal. When having an internet conversation these terms are often utilized. Kids, adolescents and adults get diagnosed with Aspergers. Usually a child will get the diagnosis of autism, where the age varies for AS. I personally have heard of many being diagnosed as a adolescent or young adult.

The major component differentiating autism with Aspergers is the language deficits are in Autism. Both those who are higher functioning with autism and those with Aspergers have socialization difficulties. They lack reading social cues and empathy. They may have fleeting eye contact and perseverate on interests and hobbies. They are also literal and visual thinkers to some degree or another.

The incident that took place here in Southern California is a tragedy all around for the community and families involved. The parents to the boy did not know he had a gun. It was reported that he was crying out on the internet seeking a friend. I know from our personal experience that kids on the Autism Spectrum are often friend-less. My son would love to have a playmate and enjoy a sleepover.

He will use the phrase "best friends" whenever he has finished having a conversation with someone. That is his new best friend, even if he has no clue to the kid’s name. The last day of the autism day camp this past summer he and his friend were having a hard time saying goodbye. I was quite surprised when I saw Robert lean over and give the boy a hug and was happy that he made the gesture.

They publish a directory with the data for the families each year. Robert has already drawn a birthday card for this boy. Each year on the last day of camp they give out framed photos of the child. This past summer the photo for Robert has the two of them walking hand in hand on one of their outings. This does concern me somewhat because they are 10 and 11 and I wonder how others in the community would perceive "tweens" holding hands.

A lot of the gestures, movements and body language my son has developed could be misconstrued by adolescents once he hits middle school and high school. This has me very worried, so I am learning all I can now about the teenage years for kids on the Autism Spectrum.

I believe another issue to be on guard to is Bipolar Disorder. From what I have read this is developed around the same time - teenage years through young adults. My kids also have a 50% chance of becoming Paranoid Schizoprehnic during the same time period due to their Father having the same disorder.

I am in no rush for my kids to mature and get into those years. I think Craig is prime for Bipolar and not sure why I have this feeling. There is also Alzheimer's Disease in my family genes and hope it does not afflict me the same time the boys might be emerging with other issues.

I have no qualms about snooping if it is warranted as Robert gets older. From what I have read the signs to note are:

• clothing styles drastically change

• disinterested in sports/hobbies that were once a major importance

• distracted, aloof

• driving tickets

• eating less or more

• gaining or losing weight

• grades plummeting

• not taking their meds

• outbursts

• personal hygiene has changed

• sleeping in class

• sleeping patterns are out of whack

Kids start experimenting with alcohol, sex and drugs at this phase of their lives. A child on the Autism Spectrum might go with the flow if they are trying to fit in and making new friends without following body language. Their quirkiness might be looked at as something of interest by the Neurotypicals and they could strike up a conversation that seems innocent to the young person with Aspergers or Autism.

Communication and a watchful eye by the moms & dads are necessary at this time. Having a trusted adult around when school gets out, even being at the school to pick them up or watch from afar if they are taking the bus is worth looking into. Attending conferences and discussing anything out of character with teachers, aides, therapists and counselors is a must. Note any change in sleeping and eating to these professionals that work with the young person at school and maintain communication via email.

Bullies are not just boys either, and a child on the Autism Spectrum might miss the fact that a girl is interested in him when she starts picking on him and becomes aggressive. Kids might be experimenting with smoking or inhaling substances. Spend time each day or night with your child and discuss all these issues ahead of time. Prepare them for the locker room drama, role playing with family members.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Depression in Older Teens and Young Adults with ASD

Question

Any info to help w/22 yr. old (recently diagnosed) college grad--floundering, drinking, depressed; appears high functioning, but truly isn’t... His father has asperger traits as well.

Answer

When diagnosis of the adult ASD (high-functioning autism) occurs, it is often as a result of a child being assessed with the disorder. It then becomes apparent to other family members that the un-diagnosed adult they have struggled for so long - to understand or relate to - also has the disorder.

When an adult is diagnosed with ASD as a result of a child within the extended family being diagnosed, it can come as a "double whammy" to the family. This is particularly the case when a child and a spouse are diagnosed, since the remaining member of the family group is now in the position of dealing with two people on the spectrum in the one home. 

 

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

Similarly, the diagnosis of a child may make the parent twig that one of the parents had the disorder too. This also causes intense personal suffering for the person concerned since finding out that one's parent has the disorder will open as many wounds as it will explain.

The problems in dealing with adult autism sufferers can be numerous, and include:

• 
  A sense of frustration that you cannot "get through" to this person
• A sense of hopelessness that the person doesn't love you
• Depression related to the knowledge that the individual won't get better
• Difficulties accepting that the partner has the condition
• Failure to understand why the person cannot relate to you in a "normal" manner
• Feeling overly responsible for the person
• Feeling a need to constantly explain their inappropriate behaviors and comments to others
• A feeling of trepidation due to the effect of this constant vigilance
• If the adult Asperger is a marriage partner, concerns over whether to stay in the relationship are at times overwhelming
• Lack of intimacy in the relationship and a failure to have your own needs met
• Lack of emotional support from family and friends who do not understand the condition

There is less information on ASD in adulthood. Most people with mild autism are able to learn to compensate. They become indistinguishable from everyone else. They marry, hold a job and have children. Other people live an isolated existence with continuing severe difficulties in social and occupational functioning.

People on the spectrum often do well in jobs that require technical skill but little social finesse. Some do well with predictable repetitive work. Others relish the challenge of intricate technical problem solving.

I knew a man, now deceased, who had many of the characteristics of Aspergers. He lived with his mother and had few social contacts. When he visited relatives, he did not seem to understand how to integrate himself into their household routine. When the relatives would explain the situation to him, he was able to accept it. However, he was unable to generalize this to similar situations. Although he was a psychologist, his work involved technical advisory work, not face-to-face clinical sessions. 

 

Summary of interventions:

• Adults may benefit from group therapy or individual behavioral therapy.
• Some speech therapists have experience working with grown-ups on pragmatic language skills.
• Behavioral coaching, a relatively new type of intervention, can help the adult with ASD organize and prioritize his daily activities.
• Adults may need medication for associated problems such as depression or anxiety.

 

It is important to understand the needs and desires of that particular adult. Some grown-ups do not need treatment. They may find jobs that fit their areas of strength. They may have smaller social circles, and some idiosyncratic behaviors, but they may still be productive and fulfilled.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism