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Teaching Social Skills to Teens on the Autism Spectrum: Tips for Parents

"How should I deal with my 13-year-old son now? Should I simply accept him as he is now, or should I actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to ‘fit in’ better (e.g., look in a person’s eyes when talking, how to be a friend, conversations should be two way instead of him delivering a monologue, etc.). Are these skills even teachable?"

These skills are very teachable, and you should definitely work on them with your child. This type of teaching should begin even earlier than age 13. But, at age 13, your child is likely to learn them more easily than he would have at a younger age.

Teens with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's often have a difficult time during adolescence. They become isolated socially and face rejection and bullying due to the fact that they act differently from others. They long for friends, but have very weak social skills.

There are some teens that do well during these years (if they are indifferent to peer-pressure and focused on a special interest of their own). Encouraging your child to develop a special interest may help him form friendships with other teenagers that have the same interest.

One of the biggest issues for most teenagers on the autism spectrum is that they don’t care about the usual fads, adolescent activities, and peer expectations. Sometimes their interests are more appropriate for younger kids. Males may be rejected if they are not interested in sports. Some of these issues can be resolved by helping your child learn about fads, adolescent life, and sports.
 
==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

Even if your child isn’t very interested or doesn’t want to participate in them, it will help him understand his friends. Teach him how to talk about celebrities, teen rituals, and sports using social stories and role-playing. Focus on teaching him how to speak briefly, and then wait for the other person to respond before he speaks again.

Encourage your child to initiate contact with friends, leave phone messages, and arrange social activities. Encourage him to join clubs, especially those that focus on a special interest of his. Some teenagers enjoy talking with other teens on the spectrum in internet chat rooms, forums, and on message boards.

It helps "special needs" teenagers if moms and dads are involved in arranging social interactions with friends. Parents should help organize and supervise appropriate activities. Teaching your son how to join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on common topics, make eye contact, etc., will definitely be a big boost to his emotional development.

Behavioral therapy with a counselor also helps these young people learn how to function. Any kind of therapy takes effort on the part of the teen and his mother or father. The success of therapy depends on the teen’s own desire to fit in.

Social stories can be used to teach appropriate behavior in a variety of settings. Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or educators. Social Stories are a tool for teaching social skills and provide accurate information about situations that your child may find difficult or confusing. A situation is described in detail, and focus is placed on a few key points:
  • the actions and reactions that might be expected of the child
  • why certain actions and reactions are expected
  • important social cues
  • events and reactions the child might expect to occur

The goal is to (a) increase the child’s understanding of a particular situation, (b) make him more comfortable in social interactions, and (c) teach some responses that are appropriate for the context of the social exchange. 
 
 
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
 


Here's what parents of teens with HFA and Asperger's have had to say about this issue:

Anonymous said... I started teaching my kid ways to socialize since she was 2, because in the park she always wanted to play by herself, and I always tried her to play with others. Today she is 9, and she still have problems to make friends, but she has improved a lot. Yes, you can teach your kid how to socialize. Just remember that it will take a lot of effort and you will not see the results right away.

Anonymous said... Why would you want to change who he is? Society perhaps should adapt to him. Pressure to be like others and to fit in with others is stressful and unnecessary.

Anonymous said... i do accept my son the way he is but i also teach him what is acceptable socially.

Anonymous said... My daughter is 8, and it is hard for ME to see her watch other kids, look like she wants to play with them, but doesnt know how. She is a high functioning Aspie, but with social things she doesnt do well with. Now if there are younger kids she sometimes attempts to play with them, mentally she is only 5, but the lil kids are intimidtaed by her size and dont understand she just wants to play.

Anonymous said... I could have written that myself !!! LOL Mine comes home from school crying that she's not allowed to play with the kids she understands, and doesn't understand the kids she's allowed to play with

Anonymous said... My son is 14 and he is different but he dose his best to fit in and it works he is very popular with many of his friends he go, s to under age disco, s and dances, and he is very lucky , but iv just let him be who he is and yes he has been bullied when he was younger but lucky he has gone forward in being a teenager and has gone leaps and bounds, my other aspie child is very different and she is nearly a teenager not sure how she will go but iv bought her up to be confident , in her normal self and with her differences made them special and all her friend love her , so all I cam say is love who they are and appreciate there differences and they will be fine ......:)

Anonymous said... Re: Why would you want to change who he is? Society prehaps should adapt to him. Pressure to be like others and to fit in with others is stressful and unnecessary... ...Unfortunately society is not likely to adapt to the Aspergers child. In fact, if the Aspergers child does not learn how to "fit-in", he/she may very well find himself/herself on the receiving end of some form of abuse. Sad fact for sure.

Anonymous said... In order to succeed socializing is a key component help him to learn skills that will help him navigate a social setting when necessary. There is a difference between choosing not to socialize and not knowing how to. You want him to know how to. We don't change our children that is impossible we equip, empower and build their skills. Socializing is a skill.

Anonymous said... They definitely are teachable. Some of it will depend on how much he wants to fit in. I was desperate to fit in, so I learned to look at people's mouths instead of eyes. I often don't say much to people to begin with, I tell them straight-up that I would love to get to know them but I struggle sometimes because I have Aspergers. Try to teach your son the important stuff... Good listening skills, the ability to try and see things from another's point of view, and most importantly that there are other people with Aspergers who he can vent to when the world frustrates him. He needs to feel comfortable being himself, even if he doesn't always fit in (no one ever fits in everywhere, Aspie or not). It took me til I was 29 to be told by my ASD son and daughter's psych that I have Aspergers. My own psych confirmed it. All I knew was that I never felt right. It used to make me really depressed. Now I know why I always felt like a freak, I love being Aspie. I accept myself, and I'm much much happier.

Anonymous said...This article could have been written about my 14 year old son. It is a constant effort to coach him through his social interactions. Luckily he is not defiant, and he is making progress, but it is slow . I wish society could be more forgiving, but it's tough out there, so I won't give up. Thank you for a great article.

Anonymous said... Your never going to be able to teach him anything.....All you can do is hope he grows out of his ways.trust me I've tried everything. And also me and my wife don't believe in meds.....That's just another addicting drug to add to an already bad situation.

Anonymous said...  My son is now 15 we/ he will never stop learning and growing! I think if I just left things as is , even though there are struggles my son Liam goes through, he would be disappointed in me if I didn't stay growing in this life with him and help him, yes help him not push him for all the negative commenters, to be his best him. Think about it, is it really any different if he didn't have Asperger? I also have a younger son, 14, its my responsibility and privileged to help him in any way to figure out his life, get him any help he needs as he grows. There are sooo many things you can do to still challenge him and yet make his life fun at the same time. Just get some help, lots and lits of help lol cuz us Asperger/autism moms need it! Don't give up just because it may seem hopeless at times or frustrating, it will be worth it in the end! God bless, Good luck, were here for you!

Anonymous said... All kids are different...me and my wife are not being discouraging. Even his doctor said all I can do is hope he grows out of some of his ways and over the last two years he has started to actually grow up some.

Anonymous said... as soon as I adopted my son, I asked a doc to take him off his meds. He's fine now. He's 15 and as he gets older, I see less awkwardness and more maturity. It's just a process but mostly you just have to keep pointing them in the right direction.

Anonymous said... Aspergers is just ONE part of your child! It is not the definition of your child ... Of course You should "accept" him - what else are you going to do, shun him!? Oh yes, please - lets do what everyone else in society is doing so he has no sense of safety!!! Grrr. This is 2015, people! Of course you should teach your child manners and expect him to behave accordingly (tho no one is perfect.) It's an on-going thing - social skills, learning to read social cues from peers - it's an every-day practiced task .... It takes patience & training. and for what it's worth - I feel like there is nothing wrong w/ using meds if that's what works for you ... I used to say "I never ..." Well guess what - life has taught me to never say "never" and never say "always." Can we please stop judging one another & try to be supportive?! If you're a parent of a child who is on the spectrum, you should at least know this much: you've met one kid on the spectrum, you've met one kid on the spectrum .... No one is alike in their diagnosis. So please - when everyone else in the world is shunning our amazing kids, can we please try to show them a little love & understanding?

Anonymous said... Be thankful your child didn't need meds. Mine could not have attended school if we didn't use them for anxiety and he is now a pleasant 17 year old. His behaviors have constantly changed and improved over the years. Maturity and experience help. We still limit too much exposure to crowds, smells, stress, but he is so much more willing to try different situations now.

Anonymous said... I don't give my Apsie 13 yr old daughter meds. I have never treated her like she is different, she gets enough of that at school. Aspie kids are NOT dumb, stupid, or idiots. They learn. Right now my aspie kid is helping my sister in law out with organizing stuff. She is the laziest child, part of this may be the apsie in her, part I know is the 13 yr old. I make my kid go places sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. Take him swimming at the public pool. If that's too much, go early when it first opens. Take them to the mall, even if it's a 15-30 min trip. Never give up, and never think anything is impossible! My kids teach me this everyday!

Anonymous said... I thinks dads in general are negative. My son's father told him he was sick of his aspergers. Just stop it. HELLO!!!! It isn't going away. You have to deal with it. Two young men in Seattle that have aspergers started a self help and coaching. Aspergers experts.they are awesome.

Anonymous said... I work with children and aspergers children, its in my family and I'm told I am. Teach your children love, kindness and acceptance. I am always real with children I have had some lovely experiences of aspergers children, I love their honesty. We all have to fit into this world, thus sometimes cruel world, but they'll be fine if they have guidance.

Anonymous said... Where there is a will there is a way. I will never give up on my son and if one way does t work we will find another. My son is 8 and we take each day as it comes. We have looked foe things he is good at and it turns out he is a great springboard diver. We are looking to get him a service dog (they have great success with aspergers kids) we see a therapist every other week because he like going and talking to him. His meds doctor has been great and monitors him closely. We still have bad days and we still have our struggles but really what kid doesnt. Things sink in you just can't give up

Anonymous said... Meds are more then likely not for Aspies, but for anxiety. My son has major anxiety and could not even leave his room without them. Being an Aspie is not a problem at all! Unless you blame the anxiety from having Aspergers. Learning daily and trying to get through.

Anonymous said... My aspie is beautiful xx and from a young age has been a blessing .. he events teaches me stuff and in return he wants to learn to socialise we reach each other . And I wouldn't have him any other way .. the anxiety comes in stages and at his age it's up to me to recognise when and what to do quickly.

Anonymous said... Are you a parent? Then it is your job to teach your child how to function and act in their world. I'm confused why if a child is an Aspie, you aren't supposed to parent? I'm an Aspie, my son's an Aspie. Most people think he is neurotypical in brief meetings, and that I am outgoing. Why? Because we work to learn how to convey behaviours that are socially acceptable. That doesn't mean we are completely without our quirks. My son is 11 and feels more comfortable in his skin knowing he can respond appropriately in certain situations, and minimize awkwardness. Once he gets to know someone, they've already achieved some comfort in his presence and are accepting of his quirks. He'll never be a cookie cutter person, but he also will have the know how to convey compassion and empathy to the people he cares about, even if he doesn't fully understand the problem they are having.

Anonymous said... We help our son as much as we can.he has special help at school,special docs etc we haven't given up its just that the more things change the more they stay the same it just gets discouraging to us at times.....that's all...prayer is the thing that works the best.without God we couldn't deal with it as we do.but it is hard but with Gods help he will grow up into a fine young boy and we do love him.

Anonymous said... We tried to connect with other families with kids that are simular and we joined a social group. We go out to other kids houses and special outings by our group. We found that the more confortable our son is with something the more like he is to be more social. An example is finding friends for our son, he is now confortable going out in public with his friends or with groups where he has already meet people. He has taught some of his friends the things he like (yu gi oh) and they have taught him some of their's. That way they are not always talking about their one thing. Also if you can find a group for things your son likes then he can talk with them about stuff. The more you get out the more confortable he will be. Not sure where you are but there is a group called TAG teens w/ aspergers group in our area and we do a lot of fun things together. It's a nice time for parents to talk too.

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By

Kids on the Autism Spectrum Who Refuse to Cooperate with Parental Requests

"Any tricks for getting a very stubborn 4 year old high functioning autistic child to do what he is told. He truly has a mind of his own. For example, if our requests don't make sense to him, he refuses to do what we ask, which usually results in a mother-son tug of war."

One quick suggestion would be to use a  "token economy." This technique seems to work best for kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's. It's a system where the child earns tokens as a reward for desired behaviors.

A predetermined number of tokens are then "cashed-in" for a privilege the child desires (e.g., a favorite snack, time for playing video games, etc.). A token economy is flexible and can be easily tailored to suit the individual needs - and desires - of the youngster.

Token economies that use money tokens seem to be the most successful with kids on the autism spectrum in increasing their ability to delay gratification, and lessening the risk of satiation (i.e., overuse of a reward that results in the child no longer viewing it as a reward). Using money in a token economy negates the need for the child to decode an abstract concept, because in the "real world," people are paid money for completing tasks in their place of employment.
 

These "special needs" children take a long time establishing trust, and for this reason, a token economy should initially focus on rewarding desired behaviors and actions. Once the program has been established for a number of years, you may then be able to introduce "response costs" where the child is fined for inappropriate behavior.

This correlates the token economy with real world experiences (e.g., if I drive too fast, I get a speeding ticket; if I park where I shouldn’t, I get a parking ticket). However, the focus of the program in the early stages must be on the positives, because HFA kids are prone to quickly losing their motivation and trust.

Be creative with the reinforcers offered as motivation. Offering a "menu of rewards" to choose from seems most successful. Initially, "cashed-in" rewards need to be fairly instant (e.g., at the end of each day). Over time, this can be stretched to the end of each week. As the child matures, this delayed gratification may be able to be stretched to a month; however, small rewards and motivators should be offered consistently along the way.
 

As with all strategies used with children on the spectrum, patience and perseverance are the keys to success when using a token economy, but the rewards for both the parent and child are awesome!

Here are more suggestions from parents who have "been there and done that":

•    After many meltdowns over laundry, he screamed "why do I have to do all of the laundry?!?." Later I explained that there are 2 of us and we each must contribute to keeping this house running, and this is something he is good at. Just like I am better at driving him around and keeping the bills paid.
 
•    Anonymous said... 4 can be a hard age w/out the spectrum issues. A visual chart of your expectations (show pictures of cleaning up, brushing teeth, eating dinner, and any other chores you want him to help with), you might include an area where he can make a check mark after the does it. Also, I find the more explaining you do, the worse it gets.
 
•    Anonymous said... Find a way for what you say, to make sense to him. They have exact balance of rationale, a type of logic not easily defeated by simple requests.
 
•    Anonymous said... Google Pathological Demand Avoidance - traditional ASD parenting doesn't work for it, you have to let go of EVERYTHING! The difference between being a doormat and creating a non-threatening environment full of aspirations not expectations and most importantly NOT taking it personally.
 
•    Anonymous said... I always try to visually "paint" the picture of the outcome or reward vs consequences of doing what is told regardless of if it is what the child wants to do. In other words... once the homework is done we can have play time. Knowing they are working toward a goal tends to help.
 
•    Anonymous said... I picked up a little trick recently that worked quite well with getting my 7 to wash his hair "show me how you wash your hair" works for cleaning, teeth brushing eating etc my 3 year old works under "big girls can do that" but my boy never cared about any of those statements, good luck
 
•    Anonymous said... Keep it simple and stick with it. Practice what you preach, you want your child to be patient, you must also show patience (point out the times where your practicing patience). You want your child to tidy his room, tidy your room too, make it a house rule, do it at the same time, see who can finish first, make it fun. If your son is arguing at times when it's important to follow the rules, be like a teacher and say it's not up for debate, it's a rule everyone must follow etc. Keeping consistent is key so don't switch up the rules, keep them simple, make a list, put some pictures by them, make it fun.
 
•    Anonymous said... My guy is much more compliant if he knows the logical reason behind the request. Though I'm not as good at recognizing the need.
 
•    Anonymous said... My son is now 11, so I'm trying to think back to when he was 4. We didn't know then that he had ADHD & Aspergers... we just knew things were very different with him. Anyway... he's been seeing a behavior therapist over the last year. We learned that our behavior also had to change if we wanted his to improve. For example, we must be consistent with our "demands" and with his schedule. Routine is important to teach expectations of everyday life -- and to teach compliance without a huge struggle. Also we learned that if we want him to do something, it works best if we plan it so the less rewarding or unfavorable things are done first; use the rewarding/more favorable activities as a motivator. The token system might work okay... but if you try to get them to give up their favorite activity in order to do something they don't want to do... a token at that point probably won't motivate them enough to try and earn it. Routines, limits, set expectations, motivators... I've learned they are all important if you want to lessen daily struggles.
 
•    Anonymous said... Part of it is because he's 4. Mix a new independent 4 year old and Aspergers and we have quite a mix! One thing I learned was that I needed to stop trying to explain everything (that goes against what "new" parenting advice says, doesn't it? Ha! But I won't get into that or my opinion of it). With Aspergers, they really have to learn "good habits" whether they understand them or not. They think alot differently than us. I fell back on "Who asked you to do that? (mom), So, you need to do it." End of topic. A visual of "because mom said so" made a BIG difference. (Just a picture of yourself and the repeated phrase until he knows when you hand him that picture you are NOT backing down and you don't have to say a word. If you need to remove him from the room because of a meltdown, etc...AS SOON as he is able to join you again give him the same instruction and don't back down with your requirement. They WILL learn it over it time. Teaching of the "why" we do certain things needs to be done through social stories and etc outside of the situation...not during the situation.
 
•    Anonymous said... Sounds just like my youngest. Unless he is given instant reward for something he isn't interested. Even then it doesn't always work. Very difficult to find rewards he likes as this changes frequently. As for explaining consequences (eg no playtime if task not done) he simply doesn't care. Hard to get them to do what you want when neither reward or consequence seem to bother Them!
 
*   Anonymous said... Try changing the subject so you divert him from that emotion, then as the motion subsides you may be able to come back to it from another angle where he will see your logic of the situation. At least when not emotional they see logic very well. Doesn't always work with my boy and I often forget to try it when I should as I also get a little emotional, but it often does work well.
 
•    Anonymous said... we went through PCIT (parent child interactive therapy), it is the ONLY thing that worked for us!! Now, my son listens, has follow-through, and he knows that discipline is time-out & Mommy is not afraid to use it!! ask your son's therapist about PCIT & if it's available through their facility. if not, get a referral to a facility that offers it.
 
•    Anonymous said...I say , don't you dare go and do x, y or z ...and my 4 year old goes and does it ! Reverse psychology. I say it in a cheerful way an it works 80% of the time
 
•    Anonymous said… First make sure he understands the direction. Next. Lots of notice and reminders of what your going to do.... And don't use TV shows as a reminder. The after this show gets.... Hairy. I used taped shows with no commercials (don't want something else getting in the Way). Mine just hated having something changed last minute (I mean like 60 minutes). He will grow up to adjust. Now you need to learn about him and his triggers.
 
•    Anonymous said… Give him time. Be patient and calm. Do not punish, but use natural consequences. Explain why you need something done. Make sure he understands what you are asking him to do. Check if he needs help with it. Be prepared to help him until he learns to do things on his own. Look past him being autistic because this part? Yeah, that's parenthood. It's not always easy. And those of us who are autistic are usually super logical but struggle to learn to do things like tie our shoes, understand the vague concept of what you call "time", and remember what you asked us to do after the first thing.
 
•    Anonymous said… I have found that my little guy is very logical in his own way, so if I can sit with him and explain why I need him to do it, and answer his many questions, he gets it and does the task. It doesn't work every time, and I can't do it every time, but the difference has been remarkable. I have to make it make sense to him first.
 
•    Anonymous said… I have to give random directives throughout the day just to get him in the compliance mode. Like.. Tyler could you hand me that pen? Please take this to your room. (Even if these things are not necessary at the time) it's a way to start a habit of compliance. Once the child does it you then praise the behavior. Visual reward charts working for something preferred work really well too. Like 25 reward checks in a week result in .... Whatever your child really likes" Hope this helps
 
•    Anonymous said… Oh my goodness, this could be *any* 4 yo boy! 4yos are notoriously difficult and boy get a "fun" little surge of testosterone at that age too. 4 has been my least favorite age with all of my kids, NT or not. wink emoticon remembering to "connect before I correct" was especially crucial at that age. Framing things as "let's work together to solve this problem" helped so much, instead of "do it my way not your way".

*   Anonymous said... I bought a simple chart at $ store for name, activity or non/action, and stars or stickers. It's labeled m-f. Good behavior gets a star or if teacher gives a sticker too(I got 1 out of 3 teachers to do this, ugh). If 5 earned they pick out of prize bag, (just dollar items or clearance, really cool stuff);or save 10 n go to Walmart,target,or Kmart for bigger prizes. It works on 3 out of 4 of my kids so its worth it and all 4 if the prize is right for that one other child.
 
•    Anonymous said… Rewards chart 
 
*   Anonymous said... Behaviour precedes articulation. Essentially we act out behaviours before we understand and can articulate them. Law for example is an articulation of what we already know is right or wrong. The problem we can experience is that when we ask for a certain type of behavior we instinctively know is right, when asked 'why' we can struggle to explain it. So the lesson here is anticipate the question and have a clear answer ready! 
 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

By

Defiance in Teenagers with High-Functioning Autism

"My son (high functioning autistic) is now 13 ...he was diagnosed at the age of 8. All of a sudden he is acting out, cussing all the time, lying, being disrespectful and verbally abusive, and has an overall grumpy attitude. Are these years the hardest, or is this just the beginning? When he finally hits puberty, will things get better?"

Yes, the teen years are the hardest, whether your son has High Functioning Autism (HFA) or not! He has probably “hit” puberty already, but it’s just beginning.

Raging hormones and frustration with social interactions at school can cause a lot of anger and bad behavior during the teen years, especially for adolescents with "special needs!" Many need counseling to negotiate this time in their lives successfully. Peer-rejection, teasing, bullying, and all other other stressors that your son may have to endure can take a psychological toll, which may in turn influence him to act-out his frustration on a "safe" target at home (i.e., YOU).

Your son is exhibiting rebellious behavior, and this type of behavior fulfills his needs. For example, he may have the need to:
  • Avoid responsibility (e.g., attending school, obeying parents)
  • Get something (e.g., his way in a decision, your attention, control over a situation)
  • Manage pain (e.g., physical and/or emotional stress that must be alleviated)
  • Fulfill sensory needs (e.g., relief from heat, cold, or to satisfy thirst)

Having a developmental disorder such as HFA or Asperger’s is no excuse for being verbally abusive. However, it is important for you to understand that some of the associated symptoms do contribute to defiant behavior. Teens on the autism spectrum may display some - or all - of the following characteristics, many of which contribute to problematic behavior:
  • the teen may be able to talk extensively on a topic of interest, but have difficulty with more practical tasks such as recounting the day’s events, telling a story, or understanding jokes and sarcasm
  • sensitivity to criticism 
  • preference for playing alone or with adults
  • narrow field of interests (e.g., a teen with HFA may focus on learning all there is to know about cars, trains or computers)
  • language may be considered to be very advanced or ‘precocious’ when compared to their peers
  • lack of appreciation that communication involves listening as well as talking (e.g., they may not allow their communication partner an opportunity to engage in the conversation)
  • inability to understand the rules of social behavior or the feelings of others
  • difficulty ‘reading’ body language (e.g., a teen with HFA may not understand that someone is showing that they are unhappy by frowning)
  • having rules and rituals that they insist all family members follow
  • difficulty in forming friendships
  • behavior varies from mildly unusual, eccentric or ‘odd’ to quite aggressive and difficult
  • apparently good language skills, but difficulty with communication
  • anger and aggression when things do not happen as they want

 
Your son is unlikely to identify with your feelings or comprehend others’ objections to his behavior. The only explanation you should use with him is to specifically state that the objectionable behavior is not permitted. Your son needs to follow rules, and following rules can help to focus and modify his rebellious behavior.

Behavior modification is a therapeutic approach that can change your son’s behavior. You need to determine the need that his rebellion/aggression fulfills and teach him an acceptable replacement behavior. For example, your son can be taught to ask for, point to, or show an emotion card to indicate the need that he is trying to fulfill.

Sometimes, self-stimulating behaviors such as rocking or pacing are taught as replacement behaviors, but it will take time for your son to integrate these behaviors into his daily activities. If your son is severely out of control, he needs to be physically removed from the situation. Granted, this may be easier said than done, and you may need someone to help you; yet, behavior modification can be helpful, and it must be started as soon as possible.

For adolescents on the autism spectrum, the importance of maintaining a daily routine can't be stressed enough. A daily routine produces behavioral stability and psychological comfort. Also, it lessens their need to make demands. When you establish a daily routine, you eliminate some of the situations in which your son’s behavior becomes demanding. For example, by building in regular times to give him attention, he may have less need to show aggression to try to get that attention.

Ideally over time, your son will learn to recognize and communicate the causes of his aggression and get his needs met by using communication. Unfortunately, teens who get their needs met due to aggression or violence are very likely to continue and escalate this defiant behavior.

A behavior therapy program may help; however, an individualized program has to be designed specifically for your son because adolescents on the spectrum vary greatly in their challenges and/or family circumstances. Treatment approaches that work well with other diagnoses may not work with HFA. Consult a psychiatrist who can oversee a treatment plan as well as any medication regimen that your son may be need.

In addition to the suggestions listed above, here are a few simple parenting tips that may help:
  • Take care of yourself. Counseling can provide an outlet for your own mental health concerns that could interfere with the successful management of your son's defiant behavior. If you're depressed or anxious, that could lead to disengagement from your son, which can trigger or worsen oppositional behaviors. Let go of things that you or your son did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate. Learn ways to calm yourself, and take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise, and spend some time away from your son to restore your energy.
  • Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your son. Asking him to help develop that routine can be helpful.
  • Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences.
  • At first, your son is not likely to be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his behavior. Setbacks and relapses are normal, so be prepared with a plan to manage those times. 
  • Remind yourself that your son’s defiance is most likely a temporary inconvenience rather than a permanent catastrophe.
  • Recognize and praise your son's positive behaviors. Be as specific as possible (e.g., "I really liked the way you cleaned up your room tonight").
  • Pick your battles carefully. Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it.
  • Model the behavior you want your son to exhibit.
  • Develop a united front. Work with your partner/spouse to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.
  • Remember that behavior often temporarily worsens when new limits and expectations are set. However, with persistence and consistency, the initial hard work will pay off with improved behavior.
  • Build in time together. Develop a consistent weekly schedule that involves you and your son being together.
  • Assign your son a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless he does it. Initially, it's important to set him up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve, then gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations.



Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Its so good to not feel alone in this. My son emailed the principle and councilor this week with a page of cuss words, then says "he doesn't remember it". He never talks at home like that. Trying to find alternatives for anger, like using a punching bag. But that day I had no idea he was even upset that is what scares me. Praying lots and lots.
•    Anonymous said... My Son doesnt like going outside at all eather!... Not very nice if he's got a little Sis that does want to go and do nice things tho... But tried to take him out today, but it was Far to Busy! Really made him have a Noise overload in his head till now... We'v been back for 10 hours... Must be horrible for him...
•    Anonymous said... my son like that as well. Does not want to go outside because the kids are making poor choices
•    Anonymous said... Not only does the stew of Aspie issues flare up at new situations and new social expectations. But puberty hits and the hormones kick in like they do in non-Aspie kids. So you get a double dose of Teenage attitude.
•    Anonymous said... Puberty makes them begin to resemble something of aliens. lol Seriously though they do become quite difficult. The acting out, cussing, lying, etc., all are magnified x 3 during this time. Counseling and keeping the schedule has helped us. In the end however not much helps lately. Praying a lot. Good luck.
•    Anonymous said... There may be commorbid conditions. Mine has ODD and ADHD. But, yes, teens will always test limits. Be thankful he's a boy; ) Deep breaths. And approach delicately. Never demand, request. Always give him time to respond, and make a consequence that fits the "crime" and stick to it. Consistency is key to any austism spectrum disorder. Hugs.
•    Anonymous said... We have been through hell with my son since he turned 13 and now he is 16. I try to see the silver lining with him having to deal with ASD - one is that he doesn't want to leave the house because of his heightened social anxiety - so I know where he is at all times! At least he is not out hooning around and making bad choices with other idiot teenage boys. I'm hoping that by the time he is happy to engage again with society he will be dealing with other guys whose frontal lobe has developed (him too).
•    Anonymous said... You have to adjust your responses to the outbursts and also reinforce what good choices look like for your child as well as what bad choices look like. The teen years are rough for everyone, but Aspergers and kids in the Autism Spectrum have it even harder. Pick your battles. You do not always have to win an argument. Actively listening and explaining what is going on is the best win for both you and your family.
*   Anonymous said...My upstairs neighbors (mom) are very uncooperative when it comes to respecting my household! The teenage son stalks me, destroys my plants and flowers.. breaks my patio decor and had almost destroyed my 5ft windmill. He makes a lot of noise constantly and walks in place to make the floor squeak in many areas of their apartment... And, how does he know when I am using my bathroom... It's embarrassing that he lets me know he knows I'm in my bathroom because he will make noise or flush the toilet or run the water in the sink or bathtub... He will run out and sometimes stomp very loud upon exiting.

Post your comment below…


By

Rewards and Discipline for Children on the Autism Spectrum

"I need help coming up with some effective ways to discipline a 5 year old with high functioning autism. What we are currently doing is obviously not working."

One of the most difficult challenges in dealing with ASD level 1 or High-Functioning Autism is determining how to reward the child when he has done a good job and how to discipline him when he exhibits an undesirable behavior. Some moms and dads of such children are often reluctant to use any form of discipline, and the usual reward systems don’t often work.

Many kids with ASD don’t respond as well to praise or hugs as other kids do. Instead, they might respond to things like a favorite treat, a favorite toy or preferred music as a way of showing them they’ve done something good.

While the natural parental response is to lavish their kids with praise, it may be over-stimulating to a youngster on the autism spectrum, and as a result, may not alter his or her behavior. It’s up to the parent to determine which things are preferred by the child so that those can be used in a sort of reward system.

The usual punishments also tend to be those that don’t work for "special needs" kids. Things like “time out” work well with children who thrive on contact with others, but don’t work on autistic children who don’t have the same drive to be with people - in fact, many prefer to be left alone to engage in their special interest.
 
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Taking away a preferred game or activity may be the best way to show your dissatisfaction with something your ASD son is doing. Explain to your son what the preferred behavior is so that he can begin to shape his behavior toward what is expected of him.

It probably goes without saying that corporal punishment (e.g., spanking) tends NOT to be very effective with these young people. They operate on a skewed perception of sensation and may have an exaggerated response to corporal punishment - or they may not respond at all, which only serves to upset the child without giving him or her an idea of what behavior is expected.

Discipline and reward systems are a part of raising children, autistic or not. With kids on the spectrum, the discipline and rewards have to be geared toward the developmental stage the child is in, and to which things are preferred or not preferred. While this takes some trial and error, finding the right way to show appreciation or dissatisfaction are worth the effort and will go a long way toward getting your son to behave in a positive way.


Here are a few more tips to help with disciplining your son:

•    Your son’s need to feel in control should not be taken to extremes. Moms and dads must set limits and expectations for all kids. Having ASD does not give one free rein to be out of control, and that should not be endorsed or indulged by you, the parent.

•    Your son’s diagnosis is a label that describes a small piece of who he is as a human being. He is many other things. His diagnosis does not exclusively define him.

•    Your son may take personally criticisms you think mild or trivial. If you are a parent short on patience and prone to critical or sarcastic comments, be prepared for your son to withdraw from you more and more until you are shut out completely.

•    Your approach to discipline should mostly be one of prevention – not intervention.

•    You have the responsibility to be fair in how you communicate rules and expectations. Because your son will be most open to receiving this information in ways that are literal and concrete, this means making it tangible (e.g., put it in writing as a simple, bullet-point list).

•    Understand that your son (a) needs to feel safe, comfortable and in control, (b) will become unhinged by anything significantly unpredictable, (c) is doing the very best he knows how to in the moment with what he's got available to him, and (d) has good reasons for doing what he's doing.

•    Some moms and dads can become over-protective of their “special needs” child (i.e., the youngster gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little to no discipline). They may make frequent excuses for their youngster's words or actions, and they may not discipline where most others agree it to be warranted. Don’t make this mistake!

•    Never assume your son will automatically transfer and apply information previously learned in one environment to a new situation that, in your mind, is remarkably similar. For the child on the spectrum, a new situation is a new situation.
 
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

•    Look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your son to make mistakes for which you can set aside “discipline-teaching” time. It will be a learning process for you and your son.

•    Don’t assume your son will understand appropriate social behavior under a wide variety of specific circumstances and, when that doesn't occur, discipline in the moment.

•    Disciplining your son should be a teaching and learning opportunity about making choices and decisions. When your son makes mistakes, assure him that he is still loved and valued.

•    Before you discipline, be mindful that your son's logic will not necessarily reflect your idea of common sense.

•    Because your son is inherently gentle and sensitive, he may be particularly prone to being vulnerable (i.e., he may be more susceptible than “neurotypical” children to experiencing problems in communication and social interaction).

•    Be cautious about going to extremes. You have every reason to be a strong advocate on behalf of your son and in protection of his rights, but this does not exempt him from being disciplined by you, the parent.

•    Lastly, a list of rules should become your son's property and, depending upon the situation, should be kept in his pocket for ready reference.

In order to effectively discipline the child on the autism spectrum, parents will need to comprehend each of the factors above and fully place them in the proper context of any given situation. This knowledge will aid parents in laying a foundation for “prevention” (rather than having to switch to “intervention”).





==> Are you experiencing a lot of behavior problems with your child on the autism spectrum? Get more solutions right here...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... With my son, it is about explaining things in a very straightforward way.
•    Anonymous said... We tried 123 magic when my son was 5 he laughed at me lol so I think it depends on the child.
•    Anonymous said... We remove to our son 7 year old his favorite Toys ( legos ) ,,he has a Tamtrun with hinself because he Know that his Behavior not was okey .After we explain to hin cause and consecuence and then we put a Tag with number 10 on the lego box and that is the points that he have to win during the week to get the legos back just with good choice and behave we give 2 point per each day with happy face ! He really work hard to control hinself and this reward point token work better then spank or time out Also he Know how depp breathe ,blow air in Yoga class very recomend ,when he see how Many points he colect he is so happy that soon he Will get his favorite Toy back and Also learn a lesson that not everything have to be in his way !!!
•    Anonymous said... We need to explain things to our son but at the same time if we need to we take Lego away from him for a certain time.
•    Anonymous said... We have accountable kids, it's a chart with a ticket reward system and cards with daily routine stuff like get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, etc. when the child finishes each grouping of chores (morning, mid day and evening) he gets a ticket used for a privilege of their choice (watching tv or playing video games etc). If the child misbehaves or breaks a house rule a ticket is taken and they don't have the tickets to pay for their privilege. Yes we had some meltdowns before the system became routine but now he lives for it because it has turned his daily routine into a visual. They have a website accountable kids.com
•    Anonymous said... Punishments and rewards do not work with my aspie teen. Never have. I've had to really consider my parenting so that I am very clear and simple (black and white in fact) about expectations and the "fall out" should we deviate. And I've had to be consistent. If I attempt to impose a punishment/non related consequence or attempt to bribe him with rewards, he becomes very confused as that doesn't jive with his logical understanding of the world. If he deviates from the plan (won't put his jeans in the dryer as previously planned, for example) and they r not dry by the time I would need to drive him to make it to his class on time, then the fallout is he wears wet jeans or misses class. When he was younger we used to chart these things and he'd follow the "choices" to their logical endings. Now he can think it through on his own. Of course not without ur teen mouthing off and such. So I've introduced the fall out for how we treat each other. If u mouth someone off, they become angry or scared of u and do not feel willing or safe to drive u to class. He is really struggling with this and I wish I'd done it from the get go. As he points out, people and their emotions r not logical. it's labour intensive and is pretty much a full time job, which is crazy because I'm a single lady running daycare for 12 hours a day out of my home as well as sole mothering and homeschooling my aspie teen. But I've noticed mothering my aspie teen is very much what works for toddlers. Simple, clear, black and white expectations, and loving, supportive comfort when the result of their actions is not their preferred one, along with a "I know it will b better next time" pep talk. And, just like toddlers, my aspie teen forgets the next time and I need to remind him what happened last time. And, like toddlers, he becomes hurt, confused, and our relationship requires repair if I impose punishments or bribe with rewards. It's tough. And every family works differently. I've had to alter me and my thinking and behaving, not his. But I can tell u our relationship requires repair far less often because we have conflict far less often. He is trusting me more. And we r enjoying each other's company more. And I think he has a better chance at independence this way.
•    Anonymous said... Maybe instead of operating on a system of punishment, love and understanding would be better.
•    Anonymous said... Just be patient and stick with your rules. If takes time for any kid to get it but they will. My 8 yo aspire girl is doing much better at taking her time outs and punishments than at 5 best of luck!
•    Anonymous said... Definitely a struggle....and we have a master at acting like "nothing matters" so it's hard to know what is actually working. However, though I really don't think "time outs" really work because one can't "reason" even after the fact...going to his bedroom to sit on his bed does give us all a break from the "funk" he is in at that moment. Something from my special education training that has stuck with me over the years here at home is consistency....choose one way to discipline for a specific behavior and stick with it until something better comes along. Sometimes it doesn't seem to be working but consistency in itself benefit.
•    Anonymous said... Disciplining my 16 year old son is so tiring and taking his privileges away is not working anymore .
•    Anonymous said... Give him a hug.
•    Anonymous said... I prefer the word 'discipline' (correct with love) than 'punish' but that's just semantics. Each child is different and it's hard. Some days you succeed and some you don't. Biggest lesson I've learnt is your not perfect, no one is. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to think and speak 'logically'. My son understands the logic not the emotion. I have to wait for the emotions (both his and mine) to pass to have any success.
•    Anonymous said... I tell my son of he continues his negative behavior I'll have to take a privilege away. Something that's important to him like computer time. We set boundaries and it works. It took awhile but he is very well behaved at home, probably because it's a quite environment. He still has moments at school but he's learning to recognize his anxiety triggers and ask his teachers for a break in the calming room at school before he "loses it".
•    Anonymous said... in hindsight I would say you should never 'punish' a child with aspergers, they will not be controlled, you need to explain repeatedly and find another way to deal with your own frustrations and everybody elses expectations of your unique child
•    Anonymous said... My son is 9 now. At 5 I made a gift box full of dollar store toys wrapped up and rewarded him for good behavior. At 5 discipline didn't work and when we figured that out life got easier. They can't control the emotions that young it takes time. When I let go of that notion it was freeing. Don't listen to people with children who don't have aspergers it's a totally different ball game. Patients and give him words to express what he's feeling., talk in small direct sentences
•    Anonymous said... Taking away Tv time or device time.. Using those as a punishment / reward. If you send them to their room you are just punishing yourself for later when they have so much energy!
•    Anonymous said... Temple Grandin herself said that what was really effective for her was taking away something that she really really loved. In her case it was horseback riding. With my HFAs its really tough for us because their objection is pretty dramatic. I want to give in at once to relieve the stress on everybody. But we do what we have to do and explain/talk about it over and over. And it does make a difference. But i think it needs to be a case by case decision.
•    Anonymous said... Try natural consequences. It is more effective than enforced punishment. Punishment only teaches children not to get caught.
•    Anonymous said... Very hard, we usually take away electronics & he earns time on them when he shows appropriate behavior. But not always effective when electronics are needed for school or homework.
•    Anonymous said… Don't punish. Be positive set reasonable limits you can reinforce
•    Anonymous said… I found that it helped if I included my kids in the discussion about house rules and asked them what consequences they thought they should have for certain behaviors. It wasn't always perfect but when I included them there was less of a struggle. I know other parents who say I give my kids too much power but they're 11 and 14 now and they're on the honor roll (mostly) and they don't get in trouble at school. They're happy and healthy and they know that they can come to me and Dad and talk about it if they've done something and that we will be fair about it.
•    Anonymous said… maybe have him help write the house rules too . they love to have some control  ❤
•    Anonymous said… My son and I invented a points system. You get 3 points to win swapping cards ( not money) and 9 points for a lego man. Write a list of things to gain points for and a list of loose points as a guide. Never go into to negative points, always reward abundantly for good behaviours when having hard times to avoid negative points. Then you have a tool.
•    Anonymous said… None of the standard punishments worked on my ASD daughter until I realised we read 5 books to her every night. We removed 1 book each time she misbehaved, one night she had none left so it worked as a 'threat'...
•    Anonymous said… Remind me of the time my two children were fighting and my AS boy had pinned his sister to the floor and was pushing his fingers into her eyes. I sort of side swiped him to stop him - it didn't hurt but he was offended and ran off. A short while later I was sitting watching TV when he returned and as he went past me he hit me across the head. I jumped up an asked him what he was doing - pointing out that "you DO NOT HIT people" He was completely flumoxed and said to me "but you hit me". I saw his point, immediately apologised and admitted I was wrong, explaining that I was scared he was going to hurt his sister. I felt this was important. He struggles to know the right thing to do and gets by by copying other people's behaviour.
•    Anonymous said… That word punishing is unsettling. Maybe correct them and encourage making better choices. Reward and praise for good behavior.
•    Anonymous said… What if your aspie child does not like to be touched? I have this problem with my 13 year old; I even have to ask his permission to check his touch his forehead to see if he has a fever when he is sick. He hates taking pills, and having his temp checked.His sensory issues are worse right now, espcially his sensitivity to sound, which makes him not want to go to school. Also, discipling him has become such a fight. When we do take away his technology for behaviors, he acts out even more, and starts kicking his walls, and will be rough with his younger sister, to try and get back his phone and computer, thinking we will give in. Lets just say it is exhausting!
•    Anonymous said… Write down the rules of the house and place it on the wall .go over each one and ask him what it means .have him explain the house rules to you . hope it helps.

Please post your comment below…
By

Should You Home-School Your ASD Child?

"I am considering home schooling for my autistic son (high functioning) starting the next school year due to the multiple issues we have had with school officials. There appears to be a gross lack of awareness of the needs of students on the autism spectrum in this district, and we feel our son is being left to 'die on the vine'. Are you a proponent for this alternative form of education? What factors do I need to consider before making a decision?"

Home-schooling is a popular educational alternative for many moms and dads of kids with ASD or High-Functioning Autism, especially if they are tired of nagging school officials to accommodate their "special needs" son or daughter. However, there are some important issues to consider before making the decision to home-school.

If you're considering this option, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you ready for the critics? Home-schooling has come a long way in terms of acceptance by the general public, but home-schooling skeptics still exist. Thick skin, regarding the opinions of others is a helpful attribute of home-schooling moms and dads.

2. Can you afford it? Home-schooling can be done on a shoestring budget when necessary, but there will likely be at least some cost associated with home-schooling. For most families, the decision to home-school also results in limited income potential for the primary home-schooling mother or father.
 

3. Do you have the disciplinary techniques to home-school? Home-schooling moms and dads aren't perfect, but a certain level of discipline is necessary in order for home-schooling to be successful. It's important to evaluate your current level of discipline, both as an individual and as a parent before making the decision to home-school.

4. How does your husband or wife feel about home-schooling? Although it is possible to home-school if only one of the parents believes in home-schooling, it can be very difficult to home-school on a long-term basis without approval and support from the youngster's other parent.

5. How will you arrange to meet your youngster's socialization needs? Does your youngster have opportunities to play and learn with other kids in the neighborhood and church? Are there opportunities in your area for scouting, sports, and get-togethers with other home-schoolers?

6. What are the home-schooling laws in your state? Home-schooling laws vary from state to state. For example, some states require the home-schooling parent to have a level of education.

7. Why do you want to home-school your child? It's important to know your reasons for deciding to home-school so that when doubts about home-schooling arise, you can remind yourself why you wanted to home-school in the first place. You may even find it helpful to write your reasons for home-schooling down, so that on the worst of days, you'll have something to look to for encouragement and motivation.

Carefully thinking through the above questions will help you determine whether or not home-schooling is right for you.

Another part of the decision-making process would be to look at the advantages and potential disadvantages of home-schooling. Here are just a few:


Advantages of home-schooling:
  1. An autistic youngster's natural thirst for learning is nurtured, not squelched, and learning becomes a lifelong joy. 
  2. Kids are allowed to mature at their own speeds, no "hurried child" syndrome.  
  3. Each youngster's education can be tailored to his or her unique interests, pace, and learning style.
  4. Family life revolves around its own needs and priorities rather than the demands of school. 
  5. Family values and beliefs are central to social, emotional and academic development.
  6. Home-schooled kids are comfortable interacting with people of all ages.
  7. Home-schooled kids are largely free from peer pressure.
  8. Home-schooled kids become independent thinkers who are secure in their own convictions.
  9. Home-schooled kids view adults as an integrated part of their world and as natural partners in learning. 
  10. Home-schoolers enjoy unlimited educational resources; the world is our classroom, and resources abound in the community. 
  11. Home-schooling kids have time to pursue their special interests and talents. 
  12. Home-schooling creates/maintains positive sibling relationships. 
  13. Home-schooling prevents premature parent-child separation, avoiding inappropriate pressure on kids. 
  14. Home-schooling promotes good communication and emotional closeness within a family. 
  15. Home-schooling provides a high teacher-student ratio for the child. 
  16. Home-schooling provides positive and appropriate socialization with peers and adults. 
  17. Moms and dads and other adults are the primary role models for home-schooled kids. 
  18. The parent is with his/her kid all day. 
  19. Moms and dads know and understand their kids, and are influential in their lives, even as they enter the teen years. 
  20. Research shows that the two most important factors in reading and overall educational success are positive home influence and parental involvement; home-schooling provides both.

Potential disadvantages of home-schooling:

1. Parental burn-out: You have to know ahead of time that there will be a lot of frustration coming from the child when you are covering hard subjects, and that when they get flustered, you can't allow yourself to do the same. It is important that you are able to separate at times the role of parent and educator, because you will have to be there for your youngster in a different manner in times like these. 
 
==> The Complete Guide to Teaching Students with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism [ASD Level 1]

2. Lacking the knowledge to teach effectively: You can't take it out on yourself if a subject is slightly more difficult to teach than the next one. Textbooks are out there which have been designed to teach straight from them, and acquiring them can remove some of the stigma from difficult subjects like Science or Math. The key is that you have to know that you may need to spend some time with a particular subject so you can get to the point where you can “teach” that subject. Also, you need to know that you will be teaching year-round, and that it really is going to be a full-time job. That means that you need to treat it like one, and not like a free pass from getting a public paid job.

3. Lack of socialization: Not being able to learn with peers, and not being able to associate and congregate with other students the same age can lead to some developmental problems. An inability to socialize well, a shyness that comes with not being around other kids, and a tendency to work better alone rather than in a team stem from this lack of association. These are of course things that could be overcome if the attempt is made to rectify them. By being involved in other activities, by living in a neighborhood with many other children that can be socialized with in free time, or by having siblings or cousins that are in the public system, the social skills can rub off on kids that are home-schooled.

4. Lack of resources: Resources aren't as fluid as they are in a public/private school setting. The theory is that schools will have better books, and the educators will have a better education than a mother or father does, and it could serve as a disadvantage if the parent is not ready and willing to be the go-to person for everything under the sun. The parent must be willing to do the research if a question can't be answered on the spot, which could actually turn into an advantage if he/she is willing to go that extra mile.

5. Cost: The cost of homeschooling can start to come into play when you purchase textbooks and teaching materials, and thus it makes it harder for the family that is doing the home-schooling. Further costs come into play when you consider the opportunity cost of a parent staying home, and not bringing in a second income for the family. This could be the big thing that keeps some families from homeschooling, simply because it costs the family a second source of money.

6. A defiant student at school will likely be a defiant student at home: If you have had frequent power-struggles to get your child to do homework, you need to be prepared for those struggles as a home-schooler. Just because your child can stay home and do his school-work doesn’t mean he is going to become magically compliant when it comes to (a) sitting in YOUR classroom and (b) completing homework assigned by YOU.

So, these are the factors to consider when deciding whether or not home-schooling is right for your child -- and you. Good luck in your decision-making process.

 


Here's what other parents have had to say about the home-schooling issue:

•    Anonymous said... Absolutely! We've just gone through ur 7yo Aspie son's first term doind distance ed at home. He also has ADHD and is gifted, with major sensory issues, so you can imagine how well he DIDNT cope in a classroom. It's the best thing we ever did for him. He was immediately put up a grade and has aced everything. I can't recommend homeschool enough for our special kids

•    Anonymous said... Actually it is not true that home-schooled kids are under-socialized. I know many home-schooled children who are very well rounded. They are not forced to socialize with same aged peers in a classroom, but parents are free to open a whole world of social experiences for their children, in which they socialize with all different ages and with people from different backgrounds. My son benefited more from the social aspect of homeschooling then he did all this past year in a classroom. There are home-school co-ops, opportunities in church and in the community that provides plenty of social experiences. On any given day my son would socialize with the librarian at the community library, other children from our local co-op, the cashier at the grocery store, his swim instructor...etc., and he was comfortable with it. And lets just face it, most of our kids are not and never will be social butterflies. I encourage my children to interact for what is absolutely necessary, but I refuse to try to put my kid in a box according to what society says is the "norm". My oldest son never attended a school dance, he didn't go to his prom, or even to football games, he has also never partied at some kids house while their parents are out of town. He has a few choice friends and that is all he wants. He would much rather build a computer then be "socialized" He is intelligent and witty and getting ready to start college in the fall. He spent 12 years in public school and it never achieved "socialization" for him, and he was miserable. If I had it to do over he would have been schooled at home. Their are plenty of successful people in this world who are not "social". So it is a total myth that home-schooled children are under-socialized, or that public school children are "properly socialized".... Just do what it best for YOU and your child...and know that the decisions you make for your child is the RIGHT choice!

•    Anonymous said... Basically, you HAVE to be an advocate for your child, his ambassador to the world.

•    Anonymous said... Ditto that homeschooled kids are not under socialised. Unfortunately it is a stereotype that lingers. Anyhow, I am a single lady and homeschool my son as well as work more than full time. My son and I recently looked in to school but public schools in British Columbia cannot meet my son's needs.

•    Anonymous said... home school improves everything, regardless of the learning style of the child! Read John Gatto's indictment of the "system" http://www.informationliberation.com/?id=11375 …The news you're not supposed to know...

•    Anonymous said... Children who attend school have only short periods of time to socialize, other than being in the classroom, and they spend a full 7 hours each day including travel time there. We have done both public school and homeschool, and I can tell you that the quality of the social interactions matters more than the quantity. My Aspie son is working better in groups now than when he was in school. He has one "best" friend from preK, and two new friends from homeschooling. He plays with other kids several times each week. He takes co-op classes. And most of his peers who homeschool are just as well-socialized.

•    Anonymous said... I am going to be home schooling my son also

•    Anonymous said... I decided that homeschooling wasn't going to give him the social interaction that he needs.

•    Anonymous said... I have done both and their are pro's and cons to both. My Aspie son has a Learning Disability in math and I felt like I wasn't able to teach him that subject. Now he has been in school for almost a year and I feel it has been a wasted year. I hope things get better next year or home schooling is definitely in our future again.

•    Anonymous said... I am of the opinion that the best thing is for my son to be in school in the environment that is most synonymous with the real world which he will face as a legal adult in a few very short years (... now 6). The most important thing is this, though: you have to maintain a POSITIVE, helpful, involved, informed, daily, communicative relationship with your child's school and ALL personnel with which he will come into contact throughout each day. You HAVE to arrange for tutoring sessions (with the right person) as needed. You HAVE to secure appropriate accommodations through 504 or Sped. services as needed (maintaining focus not only on areas in which remediation is necessary but also in areas of personal interest, areas of strength and social goals). You HAVE to assist the teachers in creating tools that will help your child digest all of what he is learning in the classroom (because learning styles are everything). You HAVE to read, read, read so that you can make informed decisions and offer educated insight in various situations. You HAVE to actively help your child navigate the social aspects of their days... This is hard; however, it is one of the most important things you'll need to do for your child.

•    Anonymous said... I homeschool my 11 y/o Aspie and we both love it. He was in a regular classroom in public school until 4th grade (age 9), when school became a nightmare for us: he was becoming angry and violent because of thing that were happening to him at the school, and I had spent years running back and forth to school on an almost daily basis, helping with his "behavior", which was really just him being unable to emotionally handle the demands of sitting in a classroom all day. We really thought it out -- I had to quit my job, and we sold a car to afford it -- and then felt like we had no other choice but to take the plunge. I am so glad we did! Things to consider: 1. Will he listen to and learn from you? 2. Can you handle 24/7 with your kid? (it's not easy); 3. Can you afford it financially long-term? 4. What kind of curriculum does he learn best from? 5. Are there other supports for both of you (co-ops, public school resources you will continue to use, etc). For the most part, I thought it would be a harder decision than it was. We started off with unit studies to get him out of the "schooling" mindset. Then it took about six months of trying curriculum before we found what worked. (Surprisingly, he wanted school books -- work texts -- that he could read from and write in. I think it's very concrete for him, how much he has to do each day, and it works for me too. We supplement with hands-on stuff.) Now, he has his own schedule, which he completes in about 3 hours each day, and he gets to help pick what he studies and learns. He needs a measure of control, and homeschooling gives it to him where school couldn't. We enjoy time with other homeschool kids through play dates and co-op classes. I think he feels much more safe at home, though I make sure to include social skills as a regular part of his curriculum. I firmly believe in homeschooling for kids who are outside of the "average." They learn at their own pace, in their own way, and come out all the better for it. Good luck with your choice!

•    Anonymous said... I just started homeschooling my aspie son as well and he loves it. He likes being able to move onto something new when he wants to and being able to take the day off of he's having an off day. He also likes that I let him have a big say in his curriculum and the extras we do, such as the Lego wedo learning system. This is the best choice I ever could have made.

•    Anonymous said... I started home ed for my aspie son at Easter and his younger brother too. Both are making great academic progress and are happier, loads fewer meltdowns, less medication. There are lots of other home educators out there, we all meet up regularly. Home ed groups for drama, sport, science and french. Its so much less stress than school was means I'm much happier too!

•    Anonymous said... I started home schooling my Aspie son in 4th grade and it was the BEST decision I ever made. He absolutely flourished in that environment. He loved learning so the schooling part was not a problem. And then we chose a few activities to be involved in outside the home. He is 19 years old now, received a scholarship to college and complete his first year of college very successfully with a 3.5 GPA. He lives at home and commutes to college which is about an hour away. He has truly blossomed in college and I believe it's b/c he had all those years at home being built up instead of being torn apart by his peers. He has grown into a confident young man who most of the time you wouldn't even know he has Aspergers!! . He still has some quirks of course, but over all, he's amazing! Follow your heart and do what you think is best for your child.

•    Anonymous said... I started homeschooling my son with HFA after about two months of misery in a private school for kindergarten. Finding that private school was very hard, and I really hoped that it would be good for him, because it had a smaller class, a great student/teacher ratio, and seemed to value a love of learning (rather than feeling pressured to teach to a test). But the two months he spent in that school were awful for all of us - despite a lot of hard work. Homeschooling my son is one of the BEST decisions I have ever made in my life. It is much better for both of us. I used to spend hours and hours commuting to that school, writing and reading emails to the teachers, and wracking my brain trying to think of strategies to make the situation work for my child and the rest of the people in his class. I actually spend LESS time now investing in homeschooling, and it is far more happy time, and instead of it being time spent trying to make something tolerable, it's time spent making something wonderful.

•    Anonymous said... i think it is a personal decision you know your child best just remember they need to learn how to interact and socialize appropriately

•    Anonymous said... I would consider the social aspect - not just the "socializing" time like at recess - but how to cope around other people. My daughter never had a problem with the academic part - it was the dealing with the other people part that always got her in trouble. How much time is your aspie going to have around other children or other authority figures? You need to consider how much they will get and how much they will need before you make a final decision.

•    Anonymous said... I'd love to, in theory, but I'm a single mother (only "breadwinner") and my parental burnout levels are high enough already. School is my only respite.

•    Anonymous said... it has pros and cons, depending on where you live, because they need to interact with their peers..

•    Anonymous said... My son is overly attached to me and learning to be independent and able to cope with the world without my running interference has been a years long goal. Homeschooling would just exacerbate that problem. It's been a long fight, but we finally have he school district paying for a proper school. Having a chance to interact with other kids who are very intelligent but with social/emotional issues is a blessing. He's had peers tell him that taking space to prevent a meltdown is fine and he won't get in trouble.

•    Anonymous said... Our kids need MORE socializing, not less... homeschooled kids in general are under socialized. Though there ARE ways that you can get around this... planned participation in group activities, for instance.

•    Anonymous said... The main reason I didn't consider homeschooling sooner is that I had the mistaken idea that I wouldn't be able to offer my child an opportunity to learn social skills and build friendships if he wasn't in school. But actually, homeschooling gives me an opportunity to help him do those things in ways that work far better. Rather than being dropped on a playground for twenty minutes with more than a hundred kids, he can go on playdates with a small group of children who are also homeschooled. Rather than having to adjust to a new group of 20+ kids with each year's class, he is able to form close friendships with a core group of kids that he is likely to continue playing with for years to come.

•    Anonymous said... They need the social interaction. If you did home school, you would have to be vigilant in your efforts to socialize him. Scouts, karate, theatre, find as many ways as possible to get him with other children. I am hoping my nephew can make it through middle school. I'm going to get him to take the SAT (they can take it in 7th grade) and if he blows those scores out of the water, like he does everything else, there is a chance he could be offered some really great educational opportunities. I already know public school is not the best fit for him but in his case home schooling is really not an option.

•    Anonymous said... This will be our first year homeschooling. I must have heard "I don't want to go to school today" about one million times in the past two years. He would come home with food stains on his clothes because kids were smearing food on him in the cafeteria. He also had bruises numerous times that he refused to talk about. We decided enough is enough. The principal said no special accommodation would be made for him, socially or academically. Ever since we made the decision to homeschool grade two his anxiety levels dropped by 90% even though he still had a couple of months of school left. I am looking forward to the journey. It will be tricky since I am keeping his younger brother in school for now. I know it will be stressful but I doubt it could get any worse than what the past year has been.

•    Anonymous said... Since home schooling his stress levels have decreased so much that he is now able to cope with joining in group activities. His is far more social than before. There is so many home ed groups out there so as long as you as a parent aren't socially isolated neither will they be.

•    Anonymous said... I have been homeschooling my 6th grader for only 4 months, after pulling him out of the public school for a variety of reasons. It's been quite a challenge! LOL. He will be starting a private school after spring break, and it will be a much better fit. We really wanted to find a good school for him before the end of this school year bc the social aspect is so important, not to mention it really changed family dynamics for him to be home. I also have. 4th grade daughter with different challenges. I know that private school can be daunting, but we were very happy with the financial aid offered, as we never thought we could make it work. It's been a long 4 months for all of us, but it was worth it. On a positive note, I LOVED getting to really know him one on one, which can be a challenge with a normal school/family schedule. I know we have a closer relationship now.

•    Anonymous said... I was actually able to get the school to provide a home tutor because I got a dr. Note saying he needed to be out of the classroom for x amount of time due to the stress and lack of meeting his needs in the classroom. We made a big stink about that.

•    Anonymous said... In BC in the fraser valley I just found out there is a school for kids with autism and such, I don't know if this is something other communities are trying to incorporate and I only found out about it from a friend of a friend who has kids there. I had no clue otherwise it even existed!

•    Anonymous said... My son survived middle school by attending a school for children with learning differences. The student-teacher ratio was 5:1. Unfortunately, that school does not have high school classes. He attended a small private school for two years where he made a couple of really good friends, but academically it was disastrous. He completed 11th and 12th grades online with great success.

•    Anonymous said... This is definitely something to think about. It has crossed my mind a couple times this year because my daughter had struggled so much at school. My main concern is cost. Are there any programs that can help with the costs of home schooling?

•    Anonymous said... We currently school at home with Michigan Virtual Charter Academy at K12. It has allowed our kiddo with Asperger tendencies to really flourish! It's lovely to be able to provide a controlled environment for him but also have the support of teachers!

•    Anonymous said... I am doing it.....home school...that way we know how to correct his negative behaviors....

•    Anonymous said... I am not in favor with a child like this . They need socialization and a lot of structure which I feel the home environment can't provide

•    Anonymous said... We use a K12.com school and it's been wonderful! We get the same services and even get full time in home IBI support while we're doing her work. Yes it's hard but worth it, my child and many others have blossomed at home and now she's getting straight A's, the school bent over backwards giving us an IEP that we couldn't get at a B&M school and it allows my child to move at her place, in 7th grade she's already earning high school credit. She will enter high school as a sophomore and will start earning college credit in high school. This from a child who was a mess and failing all her classes in "regular" school.

•    Anonymous said... I have homeschooled my aspie for the last two years. It wasn't too hard for him to be in elementary school, but he found middle school very painful. He was misunderstood and didn't understand them either. His frustration levels stayed very high, he starting feeling awful about himself, his thoughts became suicidal...I can go on. Socialising him was no longer a relevant argument when it is that very socialisation that is tearing him up. It has taken almost all of these last two years our me to get my son back. He has decided to try high school at the end of this year. We will support him in this decision, and we will be ready to catch him if he falls...then we will try again and again. There are so many great homeschooling coops where you can socialize. It doesn't only happen in a classroom.

•    Anonymous said... K12 is the number one choice in K-12 online education programs in America. K12 is the trusted provider of... 

*    Unknown said... I homeschooled my HFA son from halfway through first grade until he graduated from high school. I made that choice because it was the best thing I could do for my son, and I've never once regretted it. The school system told me that autism limited him and that he belonged in a self-contained classroom and eventually in a group home. They told me all he could NOT do, but I saw all he COULD do. I don't believe any child should have limits imposed on him in regard to potential, so I took the reins and taught him myself. And it was wonderful!! Yes, there were challenges along the way, and yes, there were sacrifices we made in order to do it, but I wouldn't change one thing. It was much less expensive than buying scads of school supplies for a large classroom and participating in annual fund-raisers. The wide variety of excellent curriculum choices available from multiple publishers made finding a right fit for his learning style and interests very, very easy. Year after year, I continued to teach him, tailoring his education to his specific needs, teaching to his strengths, encouraging his development in every essential area, and providing opportunities for personal growth through youth groups, art classes, etiquette class, sleep-away camps, field trips, public speaking engagements, and (in high school) volunteer hours at the local library. He not only did well with homeschooling; he flourished! When he was 18, he finished high school as a National Merit Scholar, went off to college on the other side of the country, and in spring of 2019, graduated from a tier-one university with a BS in meteorology with a physic minor. Homeschooling was not only excellent preparation for college and real life, but it was the MAKING of him.

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