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40 Crucial Strategies for Parents of Defiant Teenagers with ASD [level 1]

Parenting teenagers is hard enough...right? But throw ASD (high-functioning autism) into the equation, and now you really got a mountain to climb. Do not despair!

Here you will find 40 ways to effectively parent, nurture, and discipline your defiant teen with an autism spectrum disorder:

1. Writing Assignments - Education sometimes alters unwanted “autism-related” behavior. Examples include:
  • learning about a particular culture, religion or disability in order to develop understanding or tolerance
  • researching the long-term effects of smoking or drug usage
  • talking with teen parents to learn what sacrifices they have made

Such an assignment should include considerable thinking, learning, and dialogue with moms and dads, rather than simply writing a certain number of words without much independent thought.

2. Tolerating Behavior - When establishing a relationship or dealing with multiple behaviors, it may be necessary to tolerate some behaviors temporarily. This is a purposeful, thought-out choice on the part of the mother/father based on:
  • age and developmental level of teen involved
  • current situation
  • priorities
  • relationship
  • specific treatment issues
  • values

This is not to be confused with passivity, avoiding conflict, letting the youngster "do whatever he wants," inconsistently enforcing expectations or other methods that don't work.



3. Temporarily Removing One or More Privileges - It is not meaningful or realistic to "remove all privileges." This generally leads to resentment towards the parent and a lack of understanding or personal responsibility. When this technique is chosen:
  • it must be made clear to the adolescent exactly which privilege(s) will be removed
  • why it is being removed
  • exactly how it will be handled
  • for what time period

If there is something they can do to get the privilege(s) reinstated sooner, that should also be clearly explained. Note: this requires more thought and explanation than simply saying, "You’re grounded."
 
4. Teaching Interactions - Effective parenting of teens with high-functioning autism requires frequent interactions. Situations, both dramatic and mundane, present themselves continually. Moms and dads, who recognize the golden opportunities in routine living tasks, capitalize upon them by turning them into teaching interactions, build solid relationships, have fewer behavior problems, and receive daily rewards. Problems = teachable moments. Teaching interactions can take several forms such as:
  • teaching a concept (e.g., negotiation)
  • processing dynamics (e.g., "Have you noticed that when someone doesn't fulfill their responsibility, others become resentful?")
  • demonstrating a skill

The point is that on-duty moms and dads should always be interacting with their teens, and the nature of those interactions is teaching; rather than:
  • becoming friends with the teen
  • criticizing
  • doing things for the teen
  • judging
  • lecturing
  • punishing

5. A regular bed time at a reasonable hour is more important than ever, if you can put/keep it in place. Regular routines of all kinds—familiar foods, rituals, vacations—are reassuring when the adolescent’s body, biochemistry, and social scene are changing so fast.

6. Teaching Alternatives - A good way to teach the teenager personal responsibility is to spend time brainstorming together about all the possible responses, and predicting the reactions to each response. Instead of telling them what to do and what not to do (which can elicit dependency or oppositional responses), it is useful to spend time exploring different options. For example, instead of saying, "Don't say that to your father" …it is better to say something like, "That's one way you could handle it. How do you think he would respond to that?" … "Is that the response you want from him?" … "How else might you phrase that idea?" …etc. If they have trouble coming up with alternatives, you can help out by saying, "Do you want to know what some other people have tried?"

7. Establish verbal codes or gestures to convey that one or both parties need a time out: a chance to cool down before continuing a difficult discussion at a later time.

8. Substitution - It is never enough to tell teens what they can't do or what behaviors they must stop doing. We must always add what they CAN do instead. Some examples might be ideas such as, "You cannot hit your classmate when you are angry, but you can go for a brisk walk, write in your journal, talk about how you feel, etc." The goal is to replace or substitute an unacceptable behavior with one that is acceptable and still meets the same need. The message should always be, "Your needs and feelings are normal and okay and we are here to help you express them in ways that will allow you to be successful and responsible."

9. Go with the flow of your youngster’s nature. Simplify schedules and routines, streamline possessions and furnishings. If your adolescent only likes plain T shirts without collars or buttons, buy plain T shirts. If your kid likes familiar foods, or has a favorite restaurant, indulge her. 
 
10. Shaping - Shaping behaviors is an approach that breaks skills down into steps and rewards small movements in the right direction. For example, if you are trying to teach the skill of greeting a visitor, you would ultimately want your teenager to go through the following series of behaviors:
  • stop what they are doing
  • stand up
  • look at the visitor
  • walk over to them
  • make eye contact
  • smile
  • say "hello"
  • extend your right hand to shake
  • say “my name is ___”

To ask for all of that from someone who has never done it before, or who is shy, is asking too much. So at first they would be rewarded if they momentarily stopped what they were doing when someone new cam in. After a few times they would need to stop what they were doing, stand up and look in the direction of the visitor in order to be praised, and so on. In other words new skills are not all or nothing but are a series of steps to be learned.

11. Sequencing - Desirable behaviors can be used as motivating for less desirable ones. For example, "You may watch one hour of approved TV as soon as your book report is satisfactorily completed" –or- "You may make that phone call as soon as you have finished cleaning up the kitchen." This type of statement helps the mother/father avoid power struggles because they did not say, "no." It puts the struggle and control back with the youngster, where it belongs. They can then choose whether or not they will watch TV today and when (within limits). A version of this can be re-stated calmly and compassionately as often as necessary while your teenager struggles with his choice.

12. Have realistic, modest goals for what the adolescent or the family can accomplish in a give time period. You may need to postpone some plans for career goals, trips, culture or recreation.

13. Some adolescents on the autism spectrum adjust o.k. to middle/high school with appropriate supports and accommodations, Others, however, just cannot handle a large, impersonal high school. You may need to hire an advocate or lawyer to negotiate with your school system to pay for an alternative school placement, tuition, and transportation.

14. Role Playing/Rehearsing - This technique can be used to practice for an upcoming situation that may be difficult, foreign or anxiety producing or to re-create a situation that already occurred to experience alternative responses. Examples should include role-playing a situation in which the teen was angry and became physically or emotionally abusive, or one in which they demanded or sulked instead of negotiating. The purpose of the role-play is to practice more acceptable styles of self-expression while still making their intended point. Practicing of this sort will make the desired responses more likely in future similar situations. Role playing can also be used to practice saying something that is difficult or anticipating a variety of responses in order to reduce anxiety.

15. If you can afford it, you may prefer to pay private school tuition rather than paying a lawyer to negotiate with a financially strapped or resistant school system. However, a private school may not be the best choice. Some families move to a community with a better high school. Residential schools may be worth considering for some. The right fit can build tremendous confidence for the adolescent, give the parents a break, and prepare everyone for the independence of the post high school years.

16. Role Modeling - Most of what kids learn from grown-ups comes from simply observing. All moms and dads are role models to their kids and need to be very conscious of their own behavior. Kids are astute observers of how we treat them, how we relate to each other and how we take care of ourselves.

17. Impersonal, written communication is easier for the adolescent to absorb (e.g., lists of routines and rules, notes, charts, or calendars). E-mail may become a new option.

18. Your Teen's Rights - Food, clothing, therapy, medical attention, education, spiritual activities are NEVER withheld as a consequence. Privileges (e.g., television, telephone, radio, some activities, free time, visiting with friends, hobbies, walking around the grounds, etc.) may be temporarily withheld as logical consequences and can be powerful incentives for some adolescents.
 
19. Teens on the spectrum need structure, down time, soothing activities, and preparation for transitions.

20. Rewarding/Reinforcing - Rewarding positive behavior is the best way to ensure its continuation. A common error in parenting is to spend so much time and energy dealing with crises and negative behaviors that kids who are being responsible can either get "lost" or are tempted to act less responsible to become part of the action. Rewards can take many forms from simple a comment: "I noticed that you..." or "I really appreciated it when you..." to special time and attention or more concrete things such as a special treat or privilege. For every negative interaction the teen experiences, it takes four positive interaction to overcome the effects. Moms and dads need to be very deliberate about maintaining at least a 4:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions every day with every teenager.

21. Look for volunteer activities or part time jobs at the high school or in the community. Be persistent in asking the school to provide help in the areas of career assessment, job readiness skills, and internships or volunteer opportunities. They probably have such services for intellectually challenged adolescents, but may not realize our teens need that help, too. They may also not know how to adapt existing programs to meet our teenagers' needs.

22. Requesting - When there is a good relationship between the mother/father and youngster, a simple request to do, or stop doing, something or a re-stating of the expectations is often enough. If over-used, however, it may become less effective, may be experienced by the HFA of Aspergers youngster as overly controlling, or can slow the process of responsible growth and decision-making skills. Example: "We don't use that type of language here, could you please find a different word?"

23. Make sure thorough neuropsychiatric re-evaluations are performed every three years. This information and documentation may be critical in securing appropriate services, alternative school placements, transition plans, choosing an appropriate college or other post secondary program, and proving eligibility for services and benefits as an adult.

24. Refocus - A defiant teen may be asked to spend time thinking about something (e.g., a recent run-away or self mutilation) and express their feelings and thoughts in some way. This could be writing, poetry, drawing, etc. Whatever format is used, it then needs to be processed with the adolescent. They can then be assisted in identifying early clues and practicing alternative responses. The purpose of this type of activity is to encourage thinking, self-awareness, communication, and planning for different choices in the future.

25. Schedule regular monthly educational team meetings to (a) monitor your adolescent’s progress and (b) ensure that the IEP is being faithfully carried out (and to modify it if necessary). Because adolescents can be so volatile or fragile, and because so many important things must be accomplished in four short years of high school, these meetings are critical.

26. Side by side conversations (e.g., walking, in the car) may be more comfortable for the adolescent than talking face to face.

27. Special interests may change, but whatever the current one is, it remains an important font of motivation, pleasure, relaxation, and reassurance for the adolescent.

28. Redirecting - Commonly used with younger defiant kids or those with short attention spans, this technique simply stops one behavior by substituting another or diverting the attention of the Aspergers teen or group to a different subject or activity.

29. Teach laundry and other self-care/home care skills by small steps over time. Try to get the adolescent to take an elective such as cooking or personal finance at the high school.

30. Pre-Teaching - It is easier to prevent negative behaviors than to deal with them after they occur. A very effective tool is to pre-teach behavior prior to an event or potentially vulnerable situation. This involves talking with the person or group in detail about what will be happening, why, and what their role and expected behaviors will be. Pre-teaching reduces anxiety, clarifies expectations, builds confidence, sets up success, and can add to the fun of anticipating an event.
 
31. Physical Proximity - Sometimes a defiant adolescent who is beginning to become anxious, irritable or overly active will be calmed down by eye contact, a special "look" or signal, moving next to them or a reassuring hand on the arm or shoulder. Along with physical proximity it is important to be calm and reassuring.

32. Observing and Commenting - A mother/father may choose to comment on a behavior in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way to bring it to the attention of the youngster. This may be new information for the teen to think about. What they choose to do with that feedback will provide further opportunities for discussion and teaching. For example, "I notice you tend to be critical of others when they are taking about a success" –or- "You seem to only break the rules when you are in a group" etc.

33. Tell your adolescent just what s/he needs to know – one message at a time – concisely.

34. Natural Consequences - Sometimes consequences occur through the natural course of events (e.g., a teen coming home late from school and missing a phone call from a friend). If the natural course of events makes an impact by teaching a lesson, moms and dads need not intervene further. They can be sympathetic to the teen's plight (this must be genuine however, and never patronizing or sarcastic).

35. Logical Consequences - Logical consequences may be necessary when no natural one occurs, or when the natural one is insufficient to make a change in future behavior. An example would be a defiant teen causing a disturbance at an event, not being allowed to attend the next one.

36. Ignoring Behavior - Moms and dads may consciously decide to ignore certain behaviors of their defiant adolescent at times in an effort to extinguish the behavior by not reacting to it. The behavior may be inconsequential, may be designed just to "get a reaction," or may be masking another, more important, issue which is what really needs attention. Ignoring a behavior should not stop communication or relationship building. It is a specific behavior that is being ignored, not the person. Examples might include using certain words, attempts to provoke or annoy moms and dads, making personal comment to or about moms and dads, saying "I won't" or "you can't make me," etc.

37. Encouraging/Coaching - Encouragement, praise, and coaching are all effective ways to make pro-social behaviors more likely and more frequent. The stronger the relationship between mother/father and a given youngster, the more powerful this method becomes.

38. Consequences - Consequences may be used to discourage unacceptable behavior of defiant adolescents. Usually this will occur after other techniques have been tried unsuccessfully. Discipline should not be confused with punishment; nor should they ever be given in anger. They should be applied consistently. That means that the behavior disciplined today, will again be disciplined next week. Also, behavior disciplined for one teen will not be allowed for others. This consistency lowers anxiety by making the environment predictable. Remember:
  • A mother/father who is angry with their son or daughter should calm down before deciding a consequence, and if applicable, should consult with the other parent before doing so.
  • Consequences are given to help teenagers establish boundaries.
  • Consequences are more effective when discussed matter-of-factly from a caring and controlled point of view.
  • Consequences should be clearly explained, related to the behavior, and completed as soon as possible.
  • Moms and dads should regularly discuss the effectiveness of consequences for the specific teen and should always support each other in the positive discipline process.

39. Active Listening - Some “autism-related” behaviors are bids for attention or expressions of frustration at not feeling understood. Moms and dads can reduce problem behaviors when each defiant youngster feels genuinely cared about, understood, and paid attention to. Active listening is hard work and takes energy and practice. It cannot be done when thinking about or attending to other things, or when distractions occur. Active listening need not last a long time, but attention must be focused completely on the teen and the message must be communicated back to them in the listeners own words in a way that lets them know they really were heard. Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, respect for personal space, and choices of words are all important in communicating the desired message. It may take two or three attempts to really understand the message, and that is okay, as long as it is finally understood accurately and that is clearly demonstrated. A few brief exchanges of this sort for each youngster every day are necessary.

40. Patience – Your ASD teen has this thing called “mindblindness.” In other words, he may not understand some of the social norms that other children and teens learn automatically. Thus, be able to distinguish between “misbehavior” (which is intentional) and “autism-related” behavior (which is never intentional).

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD

Question

"My soon to be 12 year old has ADHD. But now we are suspecting ASD level 1. We wonder if it could be one or the other - or both. Is this possible? How can we tell the difference? He and I butt heads because he will not stay on task for chores unless I stand over him, and even then can't seem to get it together. He gets angry if asked/told he needs to do chores. And no, none of them are that hard, and he will admit that after a long painful, drawn out affair."

Answer

Clear cut boundaries exist between ADHD and ASD level 1 (High-Functioning Autism), though the two are sometimes linked. Some members of the medical establishment see them as existing simultaneously in one person, whereas others say that is impossible. The truth is that there is no agreement on the two issues.

It's true that ASD and ADHD share certain commonalities, but the causal factors are far different. For example, individuals with each may talk too loudly or too much, neither can regulate behavior, and both can be social misfits. But, the "why" behind those issues is where the dissimilarities come in.

Individuals with ADHD know what they need to do and just forget to do it, but individuals with ASD don't know what to do. They have no idea that personal relationships are two-sided, because they see the world as existing for - and about - them. But there are other issues aside from the social where the two disorders seemingly coincide, but are driven by dissimilar mental processes.

Though individuals with ASD can appear to be disorganized and forgetful, it's because they concentrate on everything around them. No aspect of their environment is more important than another.

So, whereas individuals with ADHD may be distracted by a fly on the wall in the classroom, someone with ASD may feel that the fly is as important to study as what the teacher is saying. They tend to focus on insignificant issues, without meaning, and they don't understand rules. ADHD individuals understand them – they just have no mechanism for following them to the letter.

ASD can take different forms, as well. Some children live in a fantasy world of their own making. In that world, everything goes just the way they want it to all the time. There's nothing wrong with being a character in a book, for instance, and dressing in costume all the time.

Obsessive-compulsive ASD individuals make a world of rules and rituals for themselves, and follow each of those to the letter. They may appear to be distracted like individuals with ADD, but they're actually obsessing (e.g., on how many times they turned the faucet on and off or how many minutes they brushed their teeth).

These similarities make it hard for doctors to properly diagnose ASD early in a youngster's life, and they may be misdiagnosed with ADHD. It's not until the youngster reaches school age that they show the symptoms of social inadequacy.

ASD sufferers have no idea that other individuals have thoughts, feelings, and motivations unlike their own. This isn't true of individuals with ADD, who know they shouldn't speak out of turn, but just can't help it.

Finding proper help for an ASD youngster is very important. Diagnosis, though, may take years of trial and error, which makes starting treatment early very important. With the proper help, kids with ASD can live a much fuller life than without it.
 
 


 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

 
 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… All of mine, bar the toddler (too young to tell) have diagnosis of both.
•    Anonymous said… I know that ADHD can often be a differential diagnosis with ASD, or a concurrent one with ASD
•    Anonymous said… Kids with ADHD and ASD suffer from executive functioning issues. Being told to clean up is so overwhelming that they just do not know or understand where to start. They don't think, okay I will just start over in this corner, they think where do i start, I can't do this and consequently then don't do it. You have to show them specifically the tasks and break them into smaller parts. Getting angry is natural because the task evokes a feeling of frustration and fear. My son has aspergers and ADHD, yes they are comorbid and are diagnosed together and yes, life is very difficult with such a child. But with your help and guidance, they will be able to succeed.
•    Anonymous said… Mine is both ADHD and ASD. What you describe sounds more of an ASD behaviour.
•    Anonymous said… My 21yr old son is ASD, SPD, diagnosed two yrs ago, I've been at him to clean up his room (sanctuary away from overwhelming people and other stuff), for years now. There have been times where I've gone in there and cleaned out where he won't look/think to look...and I've gotten away with it. Lol but this week..he wanted new speakers to play his music.....so I took him to get them...then he wanted tubs to put stuff in and store....but I had no idea, the extent that he would go to later on. He gutted his room, vacuumed it, removed furniture, rearranged his room and now it's less cluttered. I knew the cleaning day would come...but this was monumental. He said he didn't realise how much stuff was in his room till he started moving things out. He's proud of himself...I am too...but the dishes I asked him to put away two days ago are still in the dish rack and the bin is still out the front waiting to be brought in. Executive disfunction...yep!
•    Anonymous said… My son has aspergers and ADHD. He struggles to concentrate and constant fidgetting and moving ( he bounces)
•    Anonymous said… Our son is also ADHD and on the Spectrum. We deal daily with him being overwhelmed and angry... always trying to help him to stay on task. I feel like I could be a terrorist negotiator as my son will try to keep us hostage with his behavior. Oh yes, I've negotiated through the biggest toughest meltdowns you've ever seen and have won my son's heart...because I keep our expectations high for him. Always helping him stive to accomplish the hard stuff and rewarding when and where we can. There are good days and very hard days with our Aspie...but that's what you do as a parent. Many of us here know that it's not easy parenting children with ADHD/ASD, but just know you can do it! My biggest hurdle has been asking for help...but have found it necessary in order to survive. I don't know why I am saying all of this...but I feel there are parents going through some hard times right now and you feel like giving up, but be encouraged. God chose you for this special assignment and he's equipped you with everything you need; emotionally, financially, and spiritually. You can do this! May God's peace be with you.
 
*    Anonymous said... I've got one (maybe two) of the Kids with both ADHD and Apserger's. It is tough to make the call between willfulness, distractability and insufficient knowledge and practice to do the chores correctly. I have started making very specific lists of the steps or mini-tasks needed to complete each household chore on their lists. This gives each a concrete, written set of instructions so that each can double check their own work. When a kid tells me that the task is complete I ask them to check the list. Often I will hear "Oops forgot that one." from the other room and then whichever one is doing the chore will then complete the task without my direct help. I wish I could say that I thought of this years ago but I only came up with these lists as my older one is getting ready to graduate from high school. He is going to need some way to help him remember all of the myriad of household tasks if he is to eventually live on his own. I looked all over for detailed checklists for household chores and didn't find much so I started making my own. They need to be very specific and written very clearly to be used independently. Good luck.

School Refusal in Children with ASD

Question

What do you do if your 9 year old with high functioning autism is refusing to go to school ever again? Do I take her kicking and screaming? Home-school? What?

Answer

Some ASD (high-functioning autistic) kids experience fear or panic when they think about going to school in the morning. These kids may tell their moms and dads that they feel nauseous or have a headache, or may exaggerate minor physical complaints as an excuse not to go to school. 
 
When the ASD youngster or teen exhibits a developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from their home or from those to whom they are attached, they may be experiencing a Separation Anxiety Disorder. Separation Anxiety Disorder is characterized by the youngster exhibiting three or more of the following for a period of more than four weeks:
  1. persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures
  2. persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure (e.g., getting lost or being kidnapped)
  3. persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because of fear of separation
  4. persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home
  5. persistently and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings
  6. recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated
  7. repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomachaches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated
  8. repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation

 
In addition to the symptoms described above, ASD kids with an unreasonable fear of school may also:
  • display clinging behavior
  • fear being alone in the dark
  • feel unsafe staying in a room by themselves and frequently go check to find their parent or have a need to be able to see their parent (e.g., a teenager in a shopping mall who feels a lot of distress if they can't always see their parent may be exhibiting a symptom of separation anxiety)
  • have difficulty going to sleep
  • have exaggerated, unrealistic fears of animals, monster, burglars
  • have nightmares about being separated from their parent(s)
  • have severe tantrums when forced to go to school

School Refusal Warning Signs—

While one student may complain of headaches or stomachaches, another may refuse to get out of bed, while a third repeatedly gets "sick" and calls home during the school day. Symptoms can run the gamut and may even include combinations of behaviors. Here are some typical warning signs that an autistic youngster is suffering from school refusal disorder:

• Anxiety or panic attacks
• Depression
• Drug/alcohol use
• Failing grades
• Fatigue
• Frequent physical complaints such as headaches, stomachaches
• Physical aggression or threats
• Risk-taking behavior
• Social problems

Many symptoms, particularly physical complaints, can mimic other disorders. When these occur in combination with a pattern of not attending school, a complete evaluation should be made by qualified professionals to determine whether a student has school refusal disorder or another psychological or possibly even a physical disorder.

Separation Anxiety Disorder can be exhausting and frustrating for the moms and dads to deal with, but it is worse for the autistic youngster who feels such intense fear and discomfort about going to school. If moms and dads are unable to get the youngster to school, the youngster may develop serious educational, emotional, and social problems. 
 

Because the anxiety is about separating from the parent (or attachment object), once the youngster or teen gets to school, they usually calm down and are OK. It's getting them there that is the real challenge.

School avoidance or school refusal may serve different functions in different kids or teenagers. For some ASD kids or teens, it may be the avoidance of specific fears or phobias triggered in the school setting (e.g., fear of school bathrooms due to contamination fears associated with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, fear of test-taking). For other kids or teenagers, it may serve to help them avoid or escape negative social situations (e.g., being bullied by peers, being teased , or having a very critical teacher).

When school refusal is anxiety-related, allowing the "special needs" youngster to stay home only worsens the symptoms over time, and getting the youngster back into school as quickly as possible is one of the factors that is associated with more positive outcomes. To do that, however, requires a multimodal approach that involves the student's physician, a mental health professional, the moms and dads, the student, and the school team. 
 
The same therapeutic modalities that are effective with Panic Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are also effective for school refusal, namely, exposure-response prevention (a form of cognitive-behavior therapy that may include relaxation training, cognitive alterations, and a graded hierarchy of steps towards the goal).

There is some research that suggests that education support therapy may be as effective as exposure therapy for treating school refusal. Working with the school psychologist, the student talks about their fears and is educated in the differences between fear, anxiety, and phobias. They learn to recognize the physical symptoms that are associated with each of these states and are given information to help them overcome their fears about attending school. 
 
The student is usually asked to keep a daily diary where they record their fears, thoughts (cognitions), strategies, and feelings about going to school. The time of day that they arrived at school is also recorded, and the record is reviewed each morning with the school psychologist. Although it might seem like a good idea to incorporate positive reinforcement for school attendance, that may backfire and merely increase the student's stress levels and anxiety. 
 

Parent training in strategies to work with the youngster in the home is also an important piece of any school-based plan to deal with the student with school refusal.

When it comes to school refusal, accommodating the youngster by letting them stay home is generally contraindicated, unless there are other issues. So what can moms and dads do? Here are some tips:

• A youngster's reluctance to go to school can be irritating to moms and dads. Expressing resentment and anger is counterproductive. And you won't feel the urge to do so if you adopt specific strategies to assist your youngster.

• Be open to hearing about how your youngster feels. However, lengthy discussions about the youngster's problems are not always helpful and can be experienced as a burden by the youngster. The focus must always be that you want to help your youngster be free of worries and fears.

• Do not deny the youngster's anxiety or worries, but acknowledge them and reassure him/her. For example: "I know you're worried I won't be there to pick you up, but there's no reason to worry. I'll be there."

• Do not quiz your child about why s/he feels scared. The youngster often does not know why. By not being able to provide an explanation, in addition to being anxious, the youngster feels guilty about not making sense of what is happening. Better to acknowledge that the fears make no sense and that the child has to fight them.

• It is most important to tell the Aspergers youngster exactly what s/he is to expect. There should be no "tricks" or surprises. For example, a youngster may be told that he should try to stay in school for only one hour, but after the hour he is encouraged or asked to stay longer either by the school or parent. This will backfire. The youngster will eventually refuse future arrangements for fear that they will be modified arbitrarily. Part of being anxious is anxiety about the unknown and the “what if?”.

• Punishment does not work, but kind, consistent, rational pressure and encouragement do.

• Try to find ways to enable the Aspergers youngster to go to school. For example, a youngster is likely to feel reassured if times are set for him or her to call the mother from school. In extreme cases, mothers may stay with the youngster in school, but for a specified length of time which is gradually reduced.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...


 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Elizabeth Munoz. Try Wowbutter. It looks and tastes exactly like peanut butter but is 100% soya beans. It was made for school bans. My daughter can't tell the difference. And for me, the best thing ever (I developed an allergy after being pregnant!)
•    Anonymous said… Food is a major issue with kids I packed muly kids much everyday :)) that's what you have to do but depends on school cause he only liked pb and j sandwiches and the school wouldn't aloud penut butter so yes it a very difficult situation with food it sucks ://
•    Anonymous said… Food plays a huge part in upsetting my son and not wanting to go in he is only six of friends run off and don't wait for him to go in for lunch he doesn't go in and it's gone un noticed by dinner ladies !!thats a long time to go without food:( breaks my heart ,if I brought him home for lunch I wouldn't get him back in and he struggles with being different and standing out !difficult situation!!
•    Anonymous said… I had no choice, she wasn't kicking and screaming but her mental health wasn't right, we were abroad, since then I've worked with children and have a better understanding of myself and others with autism. We used to have units attached to schools (Weymouth had one) they were brilliant with good teachers and teaching assistants and environmental was geared to needs. That's what we need, we need to be allowed to decide main stream isn't always the way.
•    Anonymous said… I had this problem with my son, who has HFA, a couple of years ago. In the end I had to make the decision to keep him home, untill a meetting was set up with school and health care professionals, to decide how to proceed for his best interests. The reason being, he has autism related food refusal, and during the time he was do distressed about going to school, his food refusal got so bad that he started losing weight and became iron deficient. It took 2 years to finally get him settled and happy at school.
•    Anonymous said… I spent nearly EVERY day of my sin's first grade year with him refusing to go to school. The school told me he'd have to go to "truancy school", with kids from junior high! I completely freaked out and fought back, but basically we just struggled through the miserable year. Second grade was better--his teacher was AMAZING! Made all the difference.
•    Anonymous said… In my experience, you can only take them 'kicking and screaming' for so long before it takes its toll on the physical and emotional health of everyone involved. It might be helpful to keep in mind that behavior IS communication. Even for kids with this school refusal disorder, they aren't doing this just to make our lives miserable. Sometimes the school setting or routine just doesn't work for every child. Thankfully there are plenty of alternative schooling options these days!
•    Anonymous said… My sons school is great with the food issue. They always make sure he has something for lunch that he will eat. The problem was, he didn't transition very well from daycare to school, (I live in Sweden). When he first started he was fine. But three months in, he could no longer hold it together and the big change took it's toll, and he almost stopped eating all together, and ended up on specially prescribed drinks.
•    Anonymous said… No. Don't take her kicking and screaming. Find out why the child doesn't want to go. Wish I had done this with my older son back about 15 yrs. ago. Now I homeschool my youngest. Something I really wished I had done with my middle son.
•    Anonymous said… There can be all kinds of reasons why children on the spectrum suffer at school, from communication problems (and that covers everything from feeling bullied to not having a clue what is happening in class or what is required of them) to sensory overload. The drip drip of fear, anxiety and confusion may not even come out in meltdowns at school. Schools frequently refuse to understand or make even the simplist of accomodations. Forcing human beings into a situation detrimental to their mental health and ruining educational opportunities is abuse. It's power play on the adult side to never listen and accept childrens feelings.
•    Anonymous said… There isn't enough xaxax in this world for me to try homeschooling.
•    Anonymous said… there's no one fit fix for all. Know your child, hear your child and love your child and you'll know what the kick n scream is about.
•    Anonymous said… Unless the child is being abused, "why" they have problems in school is irrelevant. They are engaged in a power play with you. Do not let them win. Take it from someone on the spectrum who has taught and worked with autistics for years.
•    Anonymous said… We had this with Aspergers son. We insisted he go. We regretted that when he had a big meltdown at school and an altercation with teachers. He must have had a reason for the refusal.
•    Anonymous said… Also the school being proactive and setting up these meetings yourself really helps because alot of times things will go faster and smoother with us really involved, I kinda am learning as I go.
•    Anonymous said… Don't put her through it... she may be losing much more than any wins......homeschool or special learning schools - small size classes small school.....
•    Anonymous said… Homeschool. Works for us.
•    Anonymous said… If you can, you change your life and take them out of school.
•    Anonymous said… In second grade my daughter begs to not have to go. She quit sleeping at night, vomited in the morning, cried getting out of the car at school. Teacher said all is fine. She got back in the car in the afternoon, started crying, vomited all the way home and has massive meltdowns until bedtime and then the cycle started over. She was fine in school according to the school. At six weeks in I pulled her to homeschool. She was evaluated with a high IQ, Aspergers, anxiety and depression. It's been three years and life is much better for her. She is coping successfully educationally, emotionally and with her anxiety.
•    Anonymous said… Is there a reason why the child is refusing? is child being bullied? Is child failing classes? Do you have a school that has a special ed department with small classes? i have a current 7th grader in public school. K-5 he was in regular classes. since 6st grade he has been in a special day class with minimal students. His teachers have taught special ed for years and work very well with him and the other students in the class. We are currently working on getting placement for high school as the public high schools do not seem to have small classes for our sensitive kids. We are mainly looking at charters/magnets that have special ed departments with small classes. While my son attended regular classes in elementary, we tried last year to put him into a regular class for two hours and it was a nightmare. He developed bad ocd which led us to medicate him...a HUGE mistake for us as it made him violent.
•    Anonymous said… My 13 year old has aspergers and high anxiety. She was bullied at school, and I just couldn't send her back. We discovered K12 online schools. We have done it for 2 years now, and it is working for us.  :)
•    Anonymous said… My daughter is 9 and ad the yrs went on it got harder and nearly impossible to get her to school. I had to resort to homeschooling to stabilize the situation get her evaluated, take a break and get proper personalised tools in place to help her feel comfortable going to school. The school referred an aid from a program that would come an hour before school and go with her to school and stay for 2 more hours with her. That helped her atleast try school again but she still was off and on about school. Then we got an IEP and she has daily access to the special education room even though she's super smart. Ever since she has been able to go to the special education room she has been going to school since it's been about a week but she's doing good and that may be the key for her to be calm and go.
•    Anonymous said… My oldest is 14 and we have a 11 yr old too. They both refused to go to school and disliked it. I literally have took them both, carried them, crying and screaming. I had enough. How can they be learning? We have homeschooled for 4 years. Things are so much better. Not worth their anxiety and stress for my "quiet" time.
•    Anonymous said… My son is high functioning autistic.. The beginning of the school year was super rough...The first couple of weeks we had to drive him and take him in kicking and screaming (transitioning is not our strong point) but once he got used to going back he was fine.. Hes in 5th grade we have an IEP in place he eats lunch in the office and if hes having a rough morning he goes into the Deans office and hangs out with him.
•    Anonymous said… Not if you want to maintain a trusting relationship with your child. They aren't mucking up. It seems that this is pretty classic for our special kids (including mine). The school refusal is a cry for help and letting you know the current situation isn't working. Dragging her kicking and screaming will just traumatise her further and fracture the trust she has in your relationship with her. From my perspective no education is worth that. See if you can find another option for her that suits her needs better.
•    Anonymous said… Same issue here but a long time ago now. Oliver didn't see why he had to go to school but I pointed out it was the law and if he didn't go to school I would have to go to prison. He accepted this and went to school because he didn't want me to go to prison. Of course it depends on your relationship. I know some children who would see this as a bonus. He did continue to argue the point on a regular basis but I would remind him that it was the 'rule'.
•    Anonymous said… Same with mine but we had to support this by discussion during periods of calm. This included the odd occasion when we 'agreed' to his having a day off from school BUT he would have to go along with my plans for the day including stuff like shopping (which he hated). Oliver knew I had to go to work to pay for his food and computer stuff etc and essentially learned to rationalise his own thinking to accept the status quo. He continued to hate school but accepted the rules.
•    Anonymous said… Same with my 10yo Asperger's son. We started homeschooling this year. Perfect for our situation:)
•    Anonymous said… She was homeschooled for about 7 months this school yr during the whole process. She has asbergers, anxiety and adult defiant disorder.
•    Anonymous said… This works for some kids and worked with mine for a little while. My sons anxiety was too high to be able to make rational decisions once he was in a heightened state.
•    Anonymous said… You really have to be their advocate. So many untrained individuals that don't really understand our kids. Believe your kids more. My daughter is now in her twenties and out of frustrations of not knowing how to handle the spectrum as a whole a lot of abuse takes place. Which of course comes in many forms so can be very discouraging for our kids. Over the years some were caught and fired. It's really about having a heart to want to work with them with proper training. Stay strong and love and encourage them. They need us.


Post your comment below…

Articles in Alphabetical Order: 2019


Articles in Alphabetical Order: 2019

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...