Parents often have difficulty recognizing the difference between variations in “normal behavior” versus “Aspergers-related behavior.” In reality, the line between ‘normal’ and ‘Aspergers behavior’ is not always clear – usually it is a matter of expectation.
A fine line can often divide normal from Aspergers teen behavior, in part because what is normal depends upon the teen's level of development, which can vary among teens of the same age. Development can be uneven, too, with a teen's social development lagging behind his intellectual growth, or vice versa. In addition, normal teen behavior is in part determined by the particular situation and time, as well as by the teen's own particular family values, expectations, and cultural or social background.
Understanding your Aspergers (high-functioning autistic) teen's developmental progress is necessary in order to interpret, accept or adapt his behavior (as well as your own). Remember, teens have great individual variations of temperament, development and behavior – especially when they have to deal with the Aspergers condition.
Your responses, as a parent, are guided by whether you see the adolescent's behavior as a problem. Frequently, parents over-interpret or over-react to a minor, normal short-term change in the teen’s behavior. At the other extreme, moms and dads may ignore or downplay a serious problem. Also, they may seek quick, simple answers to what are, in fact, complex Aspergers teen problems. All of these responses to teen behavior may create more difficulty or prolong a resolution.
Adolescent behavior that moms and dads tolerate, disregard or consider acceptable differs from one family to another. Some of the differences come from the parent’s unique upbringing. They may have had very strict parents themselves, and the expectations of their kids follow accordingly. Some behavior is considered a problem when parents feel that others are judging them for their teen's behavior. This leads to inconsistent responses from the parent, who may tolerate behavior at home that he/she would not tolerate in public.
Sometimes moms and dads feel so hurt by their Aspergers teen’s behavior that they respond by returning the “disrespect” – which is a mistake. Teens know that they still need their parents even if they can't admit it. The rollercoaster they put the parent on is also the one they're feeling internally. As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.
But no one's saying your Aspergers teenager should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you, for example. When this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. By letting your teenager know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while.
Navigating the tumultuous waters of adolescence is challenging for any teenager, but it can be particularly daunting for those with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Aggressive behaviors may surface during this critical developmental phase for a variety of reasons, including difficulties in communication, sensory overload, significant changes in routine, and struggles with emotional regulation.
Understanding the roots of these aggressive tendencies and developing practical strategies to manage them can create a more harmonious environment for both teens and their families. Below is a comprehensive guide designed to assist parents, caregivers, and educators in addressing aggression in teens with ASD.
Understanding the Roots of Aggression: The Key to Empowerment
To effectively address aggressive outbursts, it’s crucial to identify and understand their underlying triggers:
1. **Communication Barriers**: Teens with ASD often experience challenges in articulating their feelings or needs verbally. This communication gap can lead to intense frustration and, ultimately, aggressive outbursts when they feel unheard or misunderstood.
2. **Sensory Sensitivities**: Many individuals on the autism spectrum possess heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli. For instance, overwhelming lights, loud noises, or crowded settings can lead to sensory overload, pushing them to react aggressively as a means of coping with discomfort.
3. **Changes in Routine**: Adolescents with ASD typically thrive on predictability and routine; thus, unexpected changes—like a switch in school schedules, family dynamics, or even meal times—can provoke anxiety and lead to aggressive behaviors as a reaction to confusion or insecurity.
4. **Emotional Regulation**: Many teens on the spectrum find it challenging to recognize, interpret, and manage their emotions effectively. This difficulty often results in intense emotional responses in situations perceived as threatening or distressing.
5. **Social Interaction Challenges**: Misinterpretations in social situations can lead to feelings of exclusion or irritation. A misunderstanding on the playground or in the classroom can escalate quickly into aggressive actions stemming from frustration or anxiety about social interactions.
#### Strategies for Prevention and Management
1. **Create a Predictable Environment**: - **Establish Consistent Routines**: Implement daily schedules that are consistent and predictable. Utilize visual schedules with clear timeframes and activities to help the teen anticipate what comes next, reducing anxiety and uncertainty. - **Prepare for Changes**: When changes are unavoidable, take the time to prepare the teen. Use social stories—short narratives that describe a situation and appropriate responses—to help them understand and anticipate the adjustments.
2. **Enhance Communication Skills**: - **Alternative Communication Tools**: Invest in communication aids such as picture exchange communication systems (PECS) or mobile applications designed for non-verbal communication, which can empower the teen to express needs and feelings more effectively. - **Teach Emotion Recognition**: Utilize tools like emotion wheels or feelings charts to help the teen identify and name their emotions. Engage in role-playing scenarios to practice expressing these emotions in a safe and constructive manner.
3. **Develop Coping Strategies**: - **Introduce Relaxation Techniques**: Teach the teen various stress-relief practices, such as deep breathing exercises, guided imagery, or progressive muscle relaxation, which can help them calm down when they feel frustration mounting. - **Designate a Calming Space**: Create a "calm-down corner" equipped with sensory-friendly items like fidget toys, noise-canceling headphones, and weighted blankets. This designated space should be a safe retreat where the teen can go to de-escalate their feelings.
4. **Implement Positive Behavior Supports**: - **Reinforce Positive Behavior**: Focus on and encourage appropriate behavior by utilizing positive reinforcement techniques. For instance, a token economy system that rewards positive actions can significantly motivate a teen to adhere to expected behaviors. - **Establish Clear Expectations and Consequences**: Clearly lay out what behaviors are expected and what the consequences will be for aggressive actions. Consistency in applying these guidelines will help the teen understand boundaries.
5. **Teach Problem-Solving Skills**: - **Engage in Role-Playing Exercises**: Conduct role-playing exercises to practice responses to potential triggers or frustrating situations, giving the teen tools to handle conflicts more effectively. - **Create a “Calm-Down” Plan**: Collaboratively develop a personalized plan with the teen that outlines specific steps to take when they feel overwhelmed, including identifying preferred coping strategies they can turn to.
6. **Seek Professional Guidance**: - **Consider Behavioral Therapy**: Engaging a therapist who specializes in ASD can provide tailored strategies to help manage aggression. Therapeutic approaches like Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can be particularly effective. - **Consult for Medication if Necessary**: For cases where anxiety or mood disorders severely impact behavior, consult with a psychiatrist experienced with ASD. Medication might support better emotional regulation, thus reducing aggressive episodes.
7. **Engage in Family Support**: - **Participate in Parent Training Programs**: Enroll in programs designed to educate parents on effective management strategies for challenging behaviors associated with ASD, equipping them with coping mechanisms. - **Join Support Groups**: Connecting with support groups can provide valuable opportunities for sharing experiences, offering insights, and fostering a sense of community among families facing similar struggles.
8. **Foster Social Skills Development**: - **Enroll in Social Skills Training**: Enrich the teen's social competence by introducing them to social skills groups where they can practice interactions in a structured environment, promoting effective communication and relationship-building. - **Facilitate Peer Relationships**: Encourage the formation of friendships by organizing activities that allow the teen to interact with peers who share similar interests, ensuring these experiences are positive and constructive.
#### When Aggression Occurs
In the unfortunate event of an aggressive outburst, it is essential to respond appropriately, keeping both the teen and others safe:
- **Stay Calm**: Your composure can significantly influence the situation. Use a soothing tone and body language to reassure the teen while maintaining a calm demeanor. - **Ensure Safety**: Assess the environment to ensure everyone’s safety, removing any objects that could be used to cause harm during the outburst. - **De-Escalate the Situation**: Implement de-escalation techniques, such as creating physical distance if needed, softly redirecting their focus, or guiding them to their calming area to promote tranquility. - **Reflect Post-Incident**: After the situation has calmed down, engage the teen in a discussion about what triggered the aggressive behavior. Focus on identifying key triggers and brainstorming effective responses or coping mechanisms for the future.
Managing aggressive behaviors in teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder requires a thoughtful, multifaceted approach grounded in empathy, understanding, and structured support strategies. By enhancing communication, creating predictable environments, and teaching effective coping mechanisms, parents and caregivers can empower their teens to navigate the complexities of adolescence with greater confidence and resilience.
Education and ongoing support are invaluable—not only for the individuals with ASD but also for their families. Through the implementation of these strategies, challenging behaviors can be transformed into profound opportunities for personal growth, emotional connections, and understanding.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning.
Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him,
rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression.
As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and
depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.
Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown
temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from
ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child
is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are
totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the
least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into
the next - the meltdown can return in full force.
Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the
autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a
teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an
average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for
even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’
disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.
Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and
he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse
strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face
many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for
teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one
mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do." Click here to read the full article…
Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are
“mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and
intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to
identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits
reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he
or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish,
insensitive and uncaring. Click here to read the full article...
Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her
“out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress,
anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have
difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults
may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display
symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.
"My son, 17 y.o. with HFA, is no longer interested in trying to relate to his peers or do anything social. He says 'nobody' likes him. I would describe him as a recluse at this point. Is this something I should be concerned about, or just let him do his thing, which appears to me to be a very lonely way to live.?"
Peer-group rejection occurs when a person is deliberately excluded from social relationships among his or her age group. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is common for teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA).
Research dealing with the implications of peer-group rejection on later development suggest that AS and HFA teens experiencing continuous rejection often experience a decline in their self-image, a state of despair, behavioral difficulties, loneliness and seclusion – and in some cases, serious emotional disturbances.
AS and HFA teens who experience peer-group rejection often choose to isolate themselves, which makes a bad problem worse. Here are some of the common reasons for isolation:
A depressed adolescent loses interest in everyday activities and drops out of social groups at school. Depression is a Catch-22. It can cause isolation, but may also come from a lack of social interaction. For example, Michael (diagnosed with Asperger’s) was depressed when his attempts to fit-in with the boys in his class always backfired. They were sports-minded, but Jack was more artistic. He was mocked by his male peers for his “weird” artwork and eventually stopped trying to win their friendship. Over a period of weeks, he became depressed and began to isolate.
An adolescent who feels rejected may spend too much time on social networking sites and lose touch with peers. He or she may replace genuine social interaction with chat rooms and conversations with strangers. Adolescents who interact online lose out on genuine social interaction. For example, Craig (diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism) was a computer geek who spent hours chatting online. After months of this, his social skills were under-developed and his understanding of face-to-face interaction was damaged by hours upon hours of Internet use.
Moodiness and erratic behavior can drive an AS or HFA adolescent away from his peers.
Shyness can be a cause of social isolation.
Many young people on the autism spectrum have one particular “special interest,” and may engage in – and talk about – that interest to the exclusion of all other social activities and conversations. For example, Josh was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 8. He had a particular interest in trains and train schedules, but his classmates found his incessant talk about them boring. They eventually left him out of social activities, which made him feel socially clumsy and unwanted – and resulted in isolation.
Some AS and HFA adolescents may be ostracized by their peers because they either excel academically or underachieve. Fitting-in is important to teens, but those who stand out are often pushed to the fringes of social groups.
Though most want to be accepted by their peers, AS and HFA teens tend to be very hurt and frustrated by their lack of social competency. Their inability to “connect" to others is made worse by the negative feedback that they receive from their painful social interactions (e.g., bullying, teasing, rejection, etc.). The worse they perform socially, the more negative feedback they get from their friends and classmates, so the worse they feel and perform. Due to this consistent negative social feedback, many of these “special needs” teens feel depressed, anxious and angry, which just compounds their social difficulties by further paralyzing them in social situations. In addition, although negative behaviors often lead to peer-group rejection, the reverse is also sometimes true (i.e., being ostracized can bring out the worst in AS and HFA teens, which leads to even more ridicule and rejection).
The AS or HFA teen can be rejected on an individual basis, or by an entire peer-group. In addition, rejection can be either “active” (e.g., bullying, teasing, ridiculing, etc.) or “passive” (e.g., being ignored, getting the silent treatment, etc.). Some level of rejection is an inevitable part of life for all teens. However, it can become a serious problem when it is prolonged or consistent, when the relationship is important, or when the teen is highly sensitive to being rejected. Furthermore, the experience of peer-group rejection often leads to a number of adverse psychological consequences (e.g., aggression, anxiety, depression, feelings of insecurity, heightened sensitivity to future rejection, school refusal, loneliness, low self-esteem, and even suicidal ideation).
Research reveals that most teens who are rejected by their peers display one or more of the following behavioral patterns:
high rates of aggressive or disruptive behavior
high rates of inattentive, immature, or impulsive behavior
high rates of social anxiety
increased preference for solitary activities (e.g., playing video games)
low rates of prosocial behavior (e.g., engaging in meaningful conversation, sharing, etc.)
One of the strongest effects of sustained peer-group rejection is “global impairment” (i.e., impairment across several domains, including behavior, emotions, social relationships, and involvement in activities). Studies suggest that long-term peer-group rejection is consistently associated with problems in (a) relationships (e.g., peers, siblings, and adults other than parents), (b) emotions (e.g., feeling unhappy or sad, not having fun, feeling nervous or afraid), (c) behavior at home, and (d) low involvement in activities (e.g., sports and hobbies).
Additional research on peer-group rejection reveals the following:
“Active rejection” (e.g., bullying, teasing, ridiculing, etc.) is more stable, more harmful, and more likely to persist after the teen transfers to another school.
An analysis of 15 school shootings between 1995 and 2001 found that peer-group rejection was present in all but two of the cases (87%). The documented rejection experiences included both acute and chronic rejection, and frequently took the form of ostracism and bullying. The researchers assert that although it is likely that the rejection experiences contributed to the school shootings, other factors were also present (e.g., depression, poor impulse control, etc.).
Peer-group rejection, once established, tends to be stable over time, and thus difficult for the AS or HFA teen to overcome.
Rejected teens are likely to have lower self-esteem, and to be at greater risk for “internalizing” problems (e.g., depression).
Some rejected teens display “externalizing” behavior and show aggression (acting-out) rather than depression (acting-in).
Teens with developmental disabilities are more likely to be rejected, and this rejection may lead to a negative developmental cycle that worsens with time (i.e., their emotional growth becomes stunted).
Rejected teens are more likely to be bullied.
Peer-group rejection is believed to be less damaging for teens with at least one close friend.
For the AS or HFA teen who has poor social skills or struggles to build friendships, the idea of interaction with peers is extremely unappealing. Many of these young people can’t think of anything they would hate more than being “forced” to be outgoing. Who can blame them? Nobody enjoys doing things they “suck” at.
The bottom line is this: AS and HFA teens have a “developmental disability,” which simply means that their emotional age is much younger than their chronological age. So, for example, your 16-year-old AS or HFA son is emotionally more like a 12-year-old – yet he is thrown in with a bunch of 16-year-old classmates. Thus, the odds are high that he has already had numerous uncomfortable peer-encounters at school. You can see why the critically important skill (i.e., the ability to engage in age-appropriate social interaction) needed in the teenage years may be the one thing that the AS or HFA teen associates with failure.
Here are several crucial steps that parents and teachers can take to help the AS or HFA teen to deal with rejection:
1. With or without an autism spectrum disorder, most teens become less willing to take a parent’s word or advice. Thus, parents need to hook-up their “special needs” teenagers with other trustworthy adults. If you want your teen to learn or try to do something, arrange for the suggestion or information to come from a trusted adult other than you, the parent. For example, handpick your teen’s guidance counselor, or look for other good mentors (e.g., uncle, scout or youth group leader, psychologist, social worker, peer mentor, “Big Brother,” social skills group leader, weight room coach, martial arts teacher, etc.).
2. Special interests may change, but whatever the current one is, it remains an important aspect of motivation, pleasure, relaxation, and reassurance for the “special needs” teen. So, as long as it isn't creating additional problems, allow your teen to engage in his special interest.
3. Side-by-side conversations (e.g., while walking or driving in the car) about the “issues of the day” may be more comfortable for your teen than talking face-to-face.
4. Seek out activity-based, practical social skills groups designed especially for AS and HFA teens. Participating in such a group, being accepted by group leaders and peers, is probably the most powerful way to allay a teen’s potential despair at not fitting-in socially and not having any friends.
5. Schedule regular monthly educational team meetings to monitor your teen’s progress, to ensure that the IEP is being faithfully carried out, and to modify it if necessary. Because AS and HFA teens can be so volatile or fragile, and because so many important things must be accomplished in 4 short years of high school, these meetings are crucial.
6. Remember that teens on the spectrum are relatively immature (socially and emotionally) compared to “typical” teens of the same chronological age. Imagine sending a 10-year-old girl off to high school (even if she is chronologically 15), or putting a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel of car (even if he has a chronological age of 18), or sending a 16-year-old off to college or the Navy. We need to adjust our expectations for teens on the autism spectrum – and make sure they still have appropriate supports.
7. Look for volunteer activities or part time jobs at the high school or in the community. Be persistent in asking the school to provide help in the areas of career assessment, job readiness skills, and internships or volunteer opportunities.
8. Look for opportunities for a sheltered, successful overnight stay away from home with no parent (e.g., long weekend visits to relatives, a week or two of a carefully chosen sleep-away camp, taking a course on a college campus, etc.).
9. If you have not talked to your teen about autism spectrum disorders, you or someone else should do so, to the extent that your teen is ready to hear it. It’s difficult for AS and HFA teens, because they so much want to be “normal” and successful. A diagnosis can seem threatening – or even totally unacceptable. In truth, however, the adults with AS and HFA who do best are those who know themselves well – both their own strengths, which point them toward finding their niche in the world, and their own blind spots where they need to learn new skills or seek out specific kinds of help.
10. Have realistic, modest goals for what your teen or the family can accomplish in a given time period. You may need to postpone some plans for career goals, trips, culture or recreation.
11. Go with the flow of your teen’s nature. Simplify schedules and routines, streamline possessions and furnishings. If, for example, your teen only likes plain T-shirts without collars or buttons, buy them. If she likes familiar foods or has a favorite restaurant, indulge her.
12. Even for a previously well-adjusted teen, multiple stressors during the teenage years may bring on anxiety and depression. Stressors include increased academic/abstract thinking and social demands at school, peer pressure, increased social awareness, and fears of the future. Highly anxious teens who do not get professional help may be at risk for school failure, acting-out, alcohol and substance abuse, and even suicide attempts. Seek the assistance of a child and adolescent psychiatrist who specializes in autism spectrum disorders.
13. Build and use any support networks you can (e.g., extended family, close friends, church/synagogue groups, empathetic school staff, etc.). If you don’t have a good network, consider individual or family therapy for some support during a stormy, demanding life passage.
14. Boys on the autism spectrum may need to spend increased amounts of time with their fathers, and/or other male role models as they undertake to become men. If dad has taken a back seat, let him know his son really needs his attention now. If you are a single mother, look especially hard for male mentors at your son’s school or in the wider community.
15. Although most teens with AS and HFA are more docile and child-like, be prepared to tolerate/ignore considerable distancing, surliness, or acting out, knowing that it won’t last forever. At the same time, set some firm limits, and keep a close eye on your teen’s welfare.
16. Teens with AS and HFA are less prepared than “typical” teens for the new challenges of sexuality and romance. Some are oblivious, while others want a girl or boy friend, but are clueless about how to form and maintain a relationship. Boys especially may be at risk for accusations of harassment, and girls especially at risk for becoming victims. Teach appropriate rules, or see that another adult does. Look for supervised activities in which boys and girls can socialize safely together, supervised by a staff person who knows about autism spectrum disorders and can coach appropriate social skills.
17. Teens on the spectrum need to learn when to ask for help, from whom, and how. It’s very helpful to have someone such as a trusted guidance counselor whose door is always open, and who can coach your teen in problem solving.
Adolescent culture is social by nature. Teens tend to move around in groups of people their own age. Thus, an adolescent who is isolated, either by chance or choice, is at a distinct disadvantage – and is often treated as an outcast. The effects of rejection and isolation on an AS or HFA adolescent can be long-lasting and create problems that moms and dads need to address. By using the steps listed above, parents can help their “special needs” teen (a) overcome the negative effects of peer-group rejection, (b) learn critical social skills, and (c) gain the self-confidence needed thrive as an adult.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
• Anonymous said... I have a twenty year old who was excluded and teased when he was 15. The wound still exist. In college he still does not want friends and only interacts with video game faceless friends. I gave him therapy, support and love. The heart never forgets this pain. I believe this bulling by the next door neighbor boy is something he got over at some level. His social life consist of video gaming. Gaming just feels easier and safer to socially interact with others. Without games he would be alone? • Anonymous said... I have a very lonely, sad 16 yr old • Anonymous said... I understand. My son is 15 and i put him in a charter school. He did a shadow tour and told me he wanted to ho there. The school has been very supportive and he's met a few friends. Of course, they had tp approach him. • Anonymous said... It's heartbreaking seeing my 14 year old son with no friends...even worse was the constant bullying • Anonymous said... The same with my 12 year old • Anonymous said... Try finding other small groups or hobby clubs of people with the same interest as your child, a place where they feel they can fit in and belong and have confidence because it is an area of expertise. Through the common shared interest, they can find a social outlet. Check into gaming stores, sometimes they have meetings for those interested in certain games: video games, card games, comic books, etc. • Anonymous said... very true • Anonymous said… Great advice, tina...gaming clubs, etc. • Anonymous said... I am leery of the gaming stores... When I was in NYC we paid a visit to the Nintendo store and what really concerned me was the zombie nature of several grown men around a large white table playing Nintendo games well into the night. I am all for being social, but these men were not being social with each other. It was very off putting and I strongly believe would aid in furthering my son's avoidance behavior. I honestly left concerned... • Anonymous said... My son is 17. He has never had what most would call a friend. He has had peers who supported him and allowed him to safely socialize with them which he prefers to act however he wants and talk about whatever he wants while his peers tolerate him but .. that isn't real and I don't know how to help. He graduates from high school this year and .. what happens next? He doesn't have the maturity to study/participate in college and his math deficit and desire to build machines, tanks, firetruscks, sirens, etc doesn't lend itself to any jobs so .. just kinda lost. • Anonymous said... This breaks my heart. • Anonymous said... we have a 16 year old with similar theme!
• Anonymous said… My aspie 17 year old seems to be completely oblivious to how much he gets left out. He will follow people around, talking at them, and even continue talking after they turn around and ignore him. He goes to a private school with a higher number of ADHD and special needs kids, and we worship at a mega church. Both places have plenty of nice people who will listen (or pretend to listen) to his non-stop monologues about machinery. The church people especially try to befriend him, but he wants an audience for his monologues, not conversations, so they don't really know how to connect. They tell me what a neat kid he is, though. So, while he still ends up with no one who wants to invite him to hang out on weekends, he feels like he's incredibly popular and well liked since someone among the hundreds in the room will always be willing to hear his unending list of machinery factoids. It's when he's home that he's unhappy, because there is just so much we can handle hearing before we tell him to hush and try to teach him social skills. He gets angry and lashes out, simply because I tell him to try to listen to his siblings or participate in what the family is doing. So it's not being left out that bothers him - it's not being able to treat people as his audience and he's not treated like the star he knows himself to be that really ticks him off. • Anonymous said… Just to pick up on the gaming group comment. I can see how it would not be interactive. However, when my son was 13 - 15 he would go to CARD game tournaments (you don't have to take part in the actual tournament) It would lift my heart to see loads of like minded kids chatting and laughing in a way he never did with any other people. Sadly he grew out of the card game phase but I believe it taught him he will not always be lonely.
If you are a mother or father of a teenager with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), you undoubtedly have bigger challenges to overcome than you ever thought possible. There may be days where you feel all alone in your trials and tribulations. Maybe you've been so busy taking care of your teen's needs that you have not had the opportunity to seek support from those who have traveled a similar road.
As a parent of a teen on the autism spectrum, you are most likely aware that he somehow always finds a way to get under your skin. There are so many changes going on with your teen – emotionally, psychologically, and biologically – that it’s almost impossible to understand him at times. Furthermore, his meltdowns, unpredictable temper, and natural instinct of reclusiveness may make communication nearly impossible. If this is a challenge that you are facing, the tips listed below will help you positively parent your “special needs” adolescent. Good luck on your journey!
Tips for Parenting Difficult Teens with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism:
1. Accept that your AS or HFA adolescent will spend more time alone and away from family members compared to a “typical” teen.
2. Allow your adolescent to express her frustration. It’s hard enough just getting through adolescence – but for AS and HFA teens, the job is even more difficult.
3. Ask for advice from other parents of teens on the autism spectrum.
4. Assign tasks that your teen is capable of doing on his own. In this way, he will feel like he is a contributing member of the family, which is a great morale booster.
5. Be consistent with discipline. If you are not consistent with consequences, your AS or HFA adolescent will become confused about what is - and is not - acceptable. Also, when you're angry, it can be easy to make rash judgments and get carried away with loud demands or threats. Instead, wait until you are calm to set a consequence (e.g., count to 10 before responding to rude or annoying teen-behavior).
6. Don't go overboard with consequences or try to ground for weeks. If you do, your discipline will lose its effectiveness and your adolescent will look for ways to get around it.
7. Focus on the behavior, not your child’s personality. For example, say things like "It's not acceptable to lie about where you've been" instead of "You're a liar." Also, disregard the attitude and focus on the actions.
8. Be exceedingly patient. Parenting an AS or HFA teen takes extra patience with a strong dose of inner strength. Problematic situations require a deep breath and that extra ounce of strength you really didn’t think you had. Sometimes you can find your patience and strength in a quick memory, a supporting hand, friendly advice, or even just sharing the difficult moments.
9. Be realistic about “completion time” of chores and homework. Many AS and HFA teens need to do things “step-wise.” In other words, they have to finish what they’re currently doing before they can comfortably move on to the next task. Also, praise efforts – not just results.
10. Be your teen’s parent – not her “buddy.” Your responsibility is to ensure the well-being and safety of your “special needs” teenager. Intervening in a dangerous situation (e.g., involving drugs, abuse or truancy) might make your teenager dislike you, but it will also save her life. Don't just “go along just to get along.”
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11. Pick your battles carefully. Your adolescent will feel more resistant to what you have to say if you lecture him about every perceived transgression. Decide what's really important, and focus your efforts on those behaviors. Just address one issue at a time!
12. Encourage friendships. Loneliness is one of the main causes for challenging behavior among AS and HFA teenagers. Try to encourage opportunities for socializing and making friends.
13. Establish clear rules and guidelines for your adolescent to help her understand what behavior is acceptable. Don't just wait until she does something you don't like and then discipline her. Make sure the rules are clear from the start. Also, involve your adolescent in establishing the house rules so that if she breaks the rules, you can remind her that she played a role in setting them. Furthermore, be very specific and keep the rules simple (e.g., "In this house, we speak kindly to one another" or "Everyone must pitch in by completing their assigned house chores").
14. Look at your teen’s history. Negative events that happened during the pre-school and elementary school years help to shape a teen’s personality. By the time these kids become adolescents, many have been living with the resulting pain for most of their lives (e.g., due to peer-rejection, teasing, bullying, etc.). AS and HFA teens may feel pain and anger, but they lack the ability to act on those emotions. However, they are able to act on those emotions with more lasting and harmful consequences.
15. Expect gradual improvement, not immediate results. Your AS or HFA teen is emotionally immature compared to her same-age peers.
16. Foster independence. It’s so easy to do everything for your “special needs” teen (e.g., making all the decisions for her). Give her the chance to do more herself and to make decisions on her own.
17. Get a dog. According to research, owning a dog can transform an AS or HFA teen’s life. Bringing a pet into your home is great for all teenagers, but can become a real friend for those with developmental disabilities. Having a pet reduces stress, can help your teen learn responsibility, improve social skills, and reduce feelings of isolation. Research has shown that dogs can calm and comfort “special needs” teenagers and help them develop the confidence to try new tasks.
18. Get a punching bag and some boxing gloves. My grandson’s behavior became very problematic when he started middle school. I found that a punching bag helped him to unwind. He used to scream at it while punching it! It was also great exercise to get rid of some of the stress and anger that accrued through his school day. Using the punching bag was his “home from school” routine each day through the week.
19. Record your moments of success and failure in a journal. Keeping a journal and recording incidents can help you to look back and see if there are any patterns or contributing factors to problematic behavior. The journal may be a good thing to look through with your teen, talking about both the positives and negatives. Also, be sure to log and monitor medications (don’t forget, medications can have side-effects that contribute to problematic behavior).
20. Try to look at your adolescent’s situation from a different perspective. In this shift of perspective, answers are often revealed and insight into what is triggering your adolescents' behavior comes into focus. Sometimes moms and dads can get un-stuck simply by looking at a situation with new eyes, which is usually followed by acting or thinking about things differently. When the parent responds in different ways, there is no choice for the adolescent but to act differently too.
21. Provide lots of structure. Write down routines as sequences of tasks (2-5 items only), and post where easily visible. AS and HFA teenagers respond well to structure and routines because it helps to nurture self-discipline and provides a sense of security. These “special needs” teens are typically afraid of the “unknown” – and as a mother or father, it is your job to guide your teenager through his many “unknowns.” Growth and change are unavoidable, and these teens need the security of routines to counteract their constantly changing worlds. Structure and routines help them grow to understand and learn to positively control change and their surroundings. The security of small routines actually enables them to handle change and growth with less fear and more independence.
22. When confronting misbehavior, relax your facial muscles and keep your voice down. When faced with an angry teen who is aggressive and shouting, keep your face neutral and lower the volume and pitch of your own voice. Nine times out of ten, your teen will quieten down to hear what you are saying. Also, stay calm – but be assertive. Take some deep breaths if you feel yourself beginning to get aggravated. Calm, assertive instructions and body language are important assets when dealing with challenging behavior. Any more emotion into an already emotional situation only clouds judgments, causes greater confusion, and launches your teen closer to meltdown.
23. Try to be prepared. If you know you are going to do something with your teenager or ask him to do something that may trigger a tantrum or meltdown, anticipate and prepare for his response. Preparation often relieves some of the stress that rings your “patience buzzer.” Also, always visualize your response before acting on it.
24. Understand when professional help is needed. Most AS and HFA adolescents benefit from some type of professional help in identifying the underlying reasons for their problems and assistance in dealing with them. Getting help for your “special needs” adolescent when she first starts having difficulties is usually far more successful than waiting until problems get worse. For some moms and dads, this can be a difficult step to take. Many parents fear that “reaching out for help” is a sign of weakness – but nothing could be further from the truth. The advantages of seeking professional help for your adolescent include: (a) experienced help in figuring out the reasons your adolescent is acting out, (b) expertise in identifying what clinical interventions are most likely to be effective, and (c) support in helping your adolescent, yourself and your family get through challenging times.
25. AS and HFA adolescents may not know how to express themselves well, causing them to act out – and parents may take the behavior to heart, causing them to lose patience and to speak in anger. Thus, talk with your adolescent about how to express himself in a more appropriate way, helping him to better handle his anger and frustration. Role-play specific situations. Play your adolescent first so you can model appropriate responses, and then let your adolescent give it a try.
Why Your Teen with Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism Prefers To Be Alone
Additional ideas for parenting your “special needs” adolescent include the following:
Compliment your AS or HFA adolescent and celebrate his efforts and accomplishments.
Encourage your adolescent to develop solutions to problems or conflicts. Help her learn to make good decisions. Create opportunities for her to use her own judgment, and be available for advice and support.
Encourage your adolescent to get enough sleep and exercise, and to eat healthy, balanced meals.
Encourage your adolescent to volunteer and become involved in civic activities in her community.
If your adolescent engages in interactive internet media (e.g., games, chat rooms, and instant messaging), encourage him to make good decisions about what he posts and the amount of time he spends on these activities.
Respect your adolescent’s need for privacy.
Respect your adolescent’s opinion. Listen to her without playing down her concerns.
Show affection for your adolescent. Spend time together doing things you enjoy.
Show interest in your adolescent’s school and extracurricular interests and activities and encourage him to become involved in various activities (e.g., sports, music, theater, and art).
Talk with your adolescent about her concerns, and pay attention to any changes in her behavior. Ask her if she has had suicidal thoughts, particularly if she seems sad or depressed. Asking about suicidal thoughts will not cause her to have these thoughts, but it will let her know that you care about how she feels. Seek professional help if necessary.
Talk with your adolescent and help him plan ahead for difficult or uncomfortable situations. Discuss what he can do if he is in a group and someone is using drugs or under pressure to have sex, or is offered a ride by someone who has been drinking.
Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism are “developmental disabilities,” which are some of the most overwhelming for parents to deal with, changing visions of the future and providing immediate difficulties in caring for and educating their teen. AS and HFA teens with behavioral issues don't respond well to traditional discipline. Instead, they require specialized techniques that are tailored to their specific abilities and challenges. If those techniques are not developed and used, these young people often throw their families into chaos – and are seriously at risk for school-related problems. Thus, parents will do well to take most of the ideas listed above to heart. Use them wisely and frequently.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
Cognitive Restructuring enables teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) to correct distorted conceptualizations and dysfunctional beliefs. The process involves challenging their current thinking with logical evidence and ensuring the rationalization and cognitive control of their emotions.
The first stage of Cognitive Restructuring is to establish the evidence for a particular belief. Teens with AS and HFA often make false assumptions of their circumstances and the intentions of others. They have a tendency to make a literal interpretation, and a casual comment may be taken out of context or may be taken to the extreme.
For instance, a 14-year-old male with AS was once told his “voice was breaking.” He became extremely anxious that his voice was becoming faulty and decided to consciously alter the pitch of his voice to repair it. The result was an artificial falsetto voice that was atypical of a male teenager. Another example of literal interpretation involves a 16-year-old female with AS who overheard a conversation at school that implied that “a girl must be slim to be popular.” She then achieved a dramatic weight loss in an attempt to be accepted by her classmates.
All teens are vulnerable to distorted conceptualizations, but teens with AS and HFA are less able to put things in perspective, seek clarification, and consider alternative explanations or responses. Parents and teachers can encourage these “special needs” teens to be more flexible in their thinking and to seek clarification, using questions or comments such as “Are you joking?” or “I'm confused about what you just said.” Such comments also can be used when misinterpreting someone's intentions such as, “Did you do that deliberately?” and to rescue the situation after they have made an inappropriate response with a comment such as, “I'm sorry I offended you,” or “Oh, what should I have done instead?”
To explain a new perspective or to correct errors or assumptions, “comic strip conversations” can help AS and HFA teens determine the thoughts, beliefs, knowledge, and intentions of the participants in a given situation. This technique involves drawing an event or sequence of events in storyboard form with stick figures to represent each participant, and speech and thought bubbles to represent their words and thoughts. The parent (or teacher) and the teen use an assortment of colored pens, with each color representing an emotion. As they write in the speech or thought bubbles, the teen's choice of color indicates his perception of the emotion conveyed or intended. This can clarify his interpretation of events and the rationale for his thoughts and response. This technique can help the teen identify and correct any misperception and determine how alternative responses might affect the participants' thoughts and feelings.
Paranoia—
One common effect of misinterpretation is the development of paranoia. Knowledge of impaired “Theory of Mind” skills in the cognitive profile of teens with AS and HFA suggests a simple explanation. The teen can have difficulty distinguishing between accidental or deliberate intent. “Typical” teens will know from the context, body language, and character of the peer involved that the intent was not to cause distress or injury. However, young people with AS and HFA can focus primarily on the act and the consequences (e.g., “He hit me and it hurt, so it was deliberate”), whereas “typical” teens would consider the circumstances (e.g., “He was running, tripped, and accidentally knocked my arm”). “Special needs” teens may need to be trained in checking the evidence before responding and developing more accurate “mind reading” skills.
Attribution Retraining—
Cognitive restructuring also includes a process known as “attribution retraining.” The AS or HFA teen may blame others exclusively and not consider her own contribution, or she can excessively blame herself for events. One aspect of AS and HFA is a tendency for some teens to adopt an attitude of arrogance or omnipotence where the perceived focus of control is external (“I have no control; rather, outside circumstances control me.”). Specific individuals are held responsible and become the target for retribution or punishment. These teens have considerable difficulty accepting that they themselves have contributed to the event.
The opposite can occur when the AS or HFA teen has extremely low self-esteem and feels personally responsible, which results in feelings of anxiety and guilt. There also can be a strong sense of what is right and wrong and conspicuous reaction if others violate the social “rules.” The young person may be notorious as the class “policeman,” dispensing justice – but not realizing what is within her authority. Attribution retraining involves establishing the reality of the situation, the various participants' contributions to an incident, and determining how the teen can change her perception and response.
Emotional Repair—
Cognitive restructuring also includes activities that are designed to improve the AS or HFA teen’s range of emotional repair mechanisms (i.e., an emotional toolbox to “fix the feeling”). These teens know that a toolbox usually includes a variety of tools to repair a machine, and discussion and activities can be used to identify different types of “tools” for specific problems associated with emotions.
One type of emotional repair tool can be represented by a hammer, which signifies physical “tools” (e.g., going for a walk or run, bouncing on a trampoline, crushing empty cans for recycling, etc.). The intention is to repair emotions constructively by a safe physical act that increases the heart rate. One AS teenager explained how a game of basketball “takes the fight out of me.” A paintbrush can be used to represent relaxation tools that lower the heart rate (e.g., drawing, reading, listening to calming music, etc.). A two-handle saw can be used to represent social activities or people who can help repair feelings. This can include communication with someone who is known to be empathic and able to oust negative feelings. This can be by spoken conversation or typed communication, enabling the teen to gain a new perspective on the problem and providing some practical advice.
A picture of a manual can be used to represent “thinking tools” that are designed to improve cognitive processes. This includes phrases that encourage reflection before reaction. Scott, a 17-year-old teenager with AS, developed his “antidote to poisonous thoughts.” The procedure is to provide a comment that counteracts negative thoughts, for instance, “I can't cope” (negative or poisonous thought), “but I can do this with help” (positive thought or antidote). The teen also is taught that becoming emotional can inhibit his intellectual abilities in a particular situation that requires good problem-solving skills. When frustrated, the AS or HFA teen needs to become “calm” and less rigid in his thinking to solve the problem, especially if the solution requires social cognition.
Humor and imagination can be used as thinking tools. Young people with AS and HFA are not immune to the benefits of laughter. They can enjoy jokes typical of their developmental level, and can be remarkably creative with puns and jokes.
Parents and teachers can have a discussion of inappropriate tools (e.g., one would not use a hammer to fix a computer) to explain how some actions (e.g., violence, thoughts of suicide, etc.) are not appropriate emotional repair mechanisms. For instance, one AS teen would slap himself to stop negative thoughts and feelings. Another tool that could be inappropriate is to retreat into a fantasy world (e.g., imagining one is a superhero), or to plan retaliation. The occasional escape into fantasy literature and games can be an effective tool, but it is a concern when this becomes the exclusive coping mechanism. The border between fantasy and reality may be unclear, and the thinking may become delusional. Also of concern is when fantasies of retaliation to teasing and bullying are expressed in drawings, writing, and threats. Although this is a conventional means of emotional expression, there is a concern that the expression is misinterpreted as an intention to carry out the fantasy, or may be a precursor to retaliation using weapons.
Unusual tools should be discussed as well. For instance, one adolescent female with AS explained that, “Crying doesn't work for me, so I get angry.” So in this case, tears were rare as a response to her feeling sad, with a more common response to sadness being anger. As a result, her reactions to sadness were often misinterpreted by others. Another tool that seems to be unusual is that of being quick at resolving grief and serious tragedies. This characteristic can be of concern to the AS or HFA teen's parents, who expect the classic signs of prolonged and intense grieving. They may view their teen as uncaring, yet the rapid recovery is simply a feature of AS and HFA.
Social Tools—
Examples of social tools would be the (a) inclusion of talking to pets (sometimes in preference to talking to peers), and (b) positive effects on mood derived from helping someone. These techniques can be effective for teenagers with AS and HFA who also need to be needed and can improve their mood by being of practical assistance. The concept of a toolbox can be extremely helpful in enabling the teen not only to repair her own feelings, but also to repair the feelings of others. The teen can benefit from learning what tools to use to help her friends and family – and which tools others use – so that she can borrow tools to add to her own emotional repair kit.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
"My daughter is 18 and has ASD [level 1]. Hers is particularly with anti-social behavior and thoughts. My entire family is ridiculing me for not forcing her to get her drivers license, but she is scared and doesn't want to. Should I force her to? Am I wrong?"
RE: "Should I force her to?" No. I'm pretty sure that would backfire. When teens get their driver’s license, parents get worried. And this worry is justified! Here are the alarming national teen driving statistics:
16- and 17-year-old driver death rates increase with each additional passenger.
16-year-olds are 3 times more likely to die in a motor vehicle crash than the average of all drivers.
16-year-olds have higher crash rates than drivers of any other age.
About 2 out of every 3 teenagers killed in motor vehicle crashes are males.
About 2,014 occupants of passenger vehicles ages 16-20 who are killed in crashes are not buckled up.
About 2,500 drivers between the ages of 15 and 20 die in motor vehicle crashes every year.
About 31% of drivers ages 15-20 who are killed in motor vehicle crashes are drinking some amount of alcohol and 25% are alcohol-impaired (i.e., have a blood alcohol content of 0.08 grams per deciliter or higher).
About 37% of male drivers ages 15-20 who are involved in fatal crashes are speeding at the time.
About 63% of teenage passenger deaths occur in vehicles driven by another teenager.
About 81% of teenage motor vehicle crash deaths are passenger vehicle occupants.
Among deaths of passengers of all ages, 19% occur when a teenager is driving.
Crashes involving 15- to 17-year-olds cost more than $34 billion nationwide in medical treatment, property damage and other costs.
Drivers age 15-20 account for 12% of all drivers involved in fatal crashes and 14% of all drivers involved in police-reported crashes.
Hand-held cell phone use while driving is highest among 16- to 24-year-olds.
Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among 15- to 20-year-olds.
Now, throw Aspergers (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) into the mix – and parents really do have something to worry about. For a teenager on the autism spectrum, it often takes quite a bit longer to learn all the implications of driving. What may be a problem for the young driver is the ability to judge what other road users, pedestrians, animals, etc. might do and how this should affect his driving. Understanding that not all drivers and other road users obey all of the rules all of the time is a real challenge for young drivers on the autism spectrum.
Neurotypical (i.e., non-autistic) teens effortlessly talk on their cell phones when driving. They smoke cigarettes, eat a sandwich, sing to the radio, and nonchalantly discuss all sorts of topics with their passenger-friends. While they are doing all this multi-tasking, they also have to watch out for other cars in front of and behind them, shift gears, reverse, use the windshield wipers, brake, and so on.
However, for teens with AS and HFA to perform all the above tasks simultaneously is very difficult due their input system. When performing a task which requires concentration, most teens on the spectrum prefer total silence (or at least very little noise). They may not mind listening to a bit of music, but usually don't like someone talking to them because they have to (a) listen to what the other person is saying, (b) think of an answer, and (c) reply.
So how can parents ensure that their "special needs" teenager will not end up killing himself while on the road? Below are some critical tips to consider.
Driving Tips Specifically Related to AS and HFA—
1. Long before driving comes into the picture, be sure to help your child learn how to ride a bike. Learning to ride a bike as a youngster is a very good foundation for anyone with an autism spectrum disorder. Bike-riding skills will help the child become more aware of the possible actions of other drivers and pedestrians. Also having an instructor who is aware of the anxieties and other issues that AS and HFA teens will have goes a long way toward positive lessons where what is taught and being learned is remembered and recalled.
2. Have your teen take driving lessons with a driver education instructor, but double the amount of physical driving practice to help him really get used to reacting to normal driving situations.
3. Ask the instructor to allow your teen to take frequent breaks during driving instruction sessions.
4. Ask the instructor to use physical cues to help with estimating speed and distance. Also ask that the driving instructions be broken down into small sections.
5. Bring information that can help the driving instructor adapt strategies to help your AS or HFA teen understand better.
6. Don't let your teen use computer simulation when practicing to drive. The teenager on the autism spectrum may not generalize the information well enough from computer to real life situations, plus it could confuse him.
7. Have a driving instructor assess your teen’s visual/motor skills. You want to know how easily he gets distracted.
8. Have you teen drive along familiar routes as often as possible. New routes and not knowing where they are going can easily distract and upset teens on the spectrum.
9. Have your teen continue to practice his driving skills even after he has already passed his driving test.
10. Help your teen apply for a driving license at the normal legal age, but be sure to put down Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism on the application at the DMV. It's against the law not to declare this on the application, but it won't disqualify your teen for getting a license.
11. Simulate situations in an empty parking lot that require avoidance steering, emergency breaking and distractions like loud music, water on the windshield and pedestrians until the teen driver is comfortable.
12. Teach your teen to remain calm when other drivers break the rules of the road. AS and HFA teens follow the rules of the road and the signs concretely, sometimes to a fault. Help your teen anticipate the actions of other cars by observing their behavior.
With the above information in mind, parents should be able to have some peace-of-mind knowing that their young driver with special needs will make it home safely with nothing more than an occasional fender-bender.
Adolescent bullying includes a wide range of aggressive behavior, including direct and indirect hostility. Direct contact can be either verbal or physical (e.g., teasing, name-calling, pushing and hitting). Direct bullying is more common among males than females. Indirect bullying (which is more common among girls) happens when teens spread rumors about each other, often in an attempt to exclude a peer from social gatherings or other activities.
When adolescent bullying meets technology, “cyber-bullying” emerges. Through digital technology, aggressive messages can be instantly broadcast to a wide audience. Senders can remain anonymous or fake a user name, and they can attach demeaning or explicit images. This so-called "electronic hostility" includes any type of harassment or intimidation that occurs through various sources, for example:
blogs
chat rooms
email
instant messaging
text messaging
websites
other electronic formats
Despite the fact that adolescent bullying happens in so many ways, researchers commonly distinguish several core features:
hostility thrives on an imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the victim
hostility is repeated
hostility is intentional
Bullying can worsen the mental health of all teens – but especially those with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) since they are already dealing with an inordinate amount of stress. Teens that experience adolescent bullying are more likely to report thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior. All too often, media reports about bullying-related suicides give a face to this extreme consequence of adolescent bullying. In addition, targets of cyber-bullying are more likely than those who haven't been harassed to use alcohol and other drugs, receive school detention or suspension, skip school, or be bullied in person.
Adolescent bullying is also associated with higher rates of weapon carrying and fighting that leads to injury. Investigations of several school-based shootings (e.g., Pearl, Mississippi; West Paducah, Kentucky; Jonesboro, Arkansas; Springfield, Oregon; Littleton, Colorado) pointed to bullying as a factor that contributed to the outbreak of violence.
Many aspects of adolescent bullying resemble bullying among younger children. Still, unique features emerge. For example, adolescents might be reluctant to report bullying to moms or dads or school officials. In one study, adolescents reported a reluctance to talk about cyber-bullying with educators or other grown-ups at school, because cyber-bullying often happens on cell phones, and it's against school policy to use cell phones during school hours. In addition, adolescents may be reluctant to report cyber-bullying to mothers and fathers for fear of losing their cell phone or Internet privileges.
If you believe that peers influence your teen more than you do – think again! Research indicates that your actions make a big difference. Studies indicate that the parent’s behavior can prevent adolescents from becoming either perpetrators or targets of bullying. This effect holds for all forms of bullying.
Consider these specific strategies:
1. Provide a safe, loving and intellectually stimulating home for your Aspergers or HFA teen. Simple activities such as helping with homework and sharing regular family meals have been linked to reduced rates of bullying.
2. Some research links bullying to unsupervised television watching. Also, keep an eye on your teen's online activities and text messages.
3. Teach your “special needs” teen to manage negative emotions by setting an example with your own behavior. Reflect on how you respond to strong feelings of anger, fear or sadness — being careful to identify and accept your emotions, express them without blaming other people, and respond without hostility.
4. Welcome any chance to get acquainted with your teen's peers.
Traditional adolescent bullying tends to decline with age, peaking during middle school and decreasing during high school. Cyber-bullying might be an exception, however. More research is needed to determine whether this form of adolescent bullying becomes less common as kids mature. In the meantime, talk to your Aspergers or HFA teen about adolescent bullying. Even if he or she doesn't confess to being bullied, offer specific suggestions to keep bullying at bay, for example:
Getting involved in a fight may only lead to more hostility.
If you're being stalked or you've been physically attacked by a bully, don't be afraid to tell a trusted grown-up.
If you're in a situation where you think bullying might happen, don't go it alone. Stick with trusted classmates during the school day. If you're walking home from school, find someone to go with you.
Spend time with trusted friends, or reach out to friendly peers. Make new friends through after-school activities (e.g., music, theater, athletics, etc.).
Walk tall, make eye contact, and speak assertively to the bully. Just saying "stop" or walking away from the bully — or deleting offending emails or text messages — may be enough.
If your teen admits to being bullied, take action. Start by reassuring your teen. Tell him or her that you'll do everything in your power to help — and you won't revoke cell phone or Internet privileges as a consequence of being bullied. Never imply that getting bullied is your teen's fault. Then do the following:
1. Find out how bullying is addressed in the school's curriculum, as well as how staff members are obligated to respond to known or suspected bullying.
2. Instead of finding blame, ask for help to solve the bullying problem. Keep notes on these meetings. Remember that it can take time for educators and administrators to investigate bullying in a fair and factual way.
3. Start with the teacher who knows your teen well. Ask whether your teen's classroom behavior has changed or if there are any other warning signs. You might also consult a school dean, counselor or other school contact.
4. Write down the details (e.g., the date, who was involved, what specifically happened, etc.). Record the facts as objectively as possible.
If the above steps don't help the situation, or of your teen has been injured or traumatized by continued bullying, consult a mental health provider. You might also consider talking to an attorney. Taking legal action to disrupt a culture of bullying can make your community safer for all adolescents.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
