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Teaching Your Autistic Child Alternatives to Temper Tantrums

“My 5 y.o. son Noah (with high functioning autism) will tantrum over all things big and small. If he is the least bit frustrated over something – well look out, because ‘it’s on’!  Not uncommon for him to have a dozen tantrums in a day. I would be happy to just get that cut in half. Any tips for the chronic ‘tantrum-thrower’ would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.”

The best time to teach your son alternatives to throwing a tantrum is immediately after he has one. Once Noah has settled down, you and he should have a talk while the memories of the episode are still fresh in his mind.

Your son threw the tantrum because he was frustrated or mad. Don't get into the issue of why he was “out of control.” Focus on the tantrum itself, explaining to Noah that the behavior isn't appropriate. Then teach him what he should do instead when he feels upset.



Here’s a simple method that often works when done the right way:

1. First describe the behavior. For example, "You felt frustrated and threw a tantrum. You were throwing things, screaming and kicking the walls." You say this so your son will understand exactly what you are talking about.

2. Then you explain that tantrums are not proper behavior. Make sure that you are clear that the tantrum is “bad” – not your son. Say something such as, "Tantrums are not appropriate behavior. In our family, we don't kick, scream or throw things. That behavior is not acceptable."

This will have an impact on Noah, because like most children, he really does want to do the right thing and please you. You can help him by explaining that tantrums are the wrong thing to do when feeling upset.

As a side note, don't worry about using big words such as "inappropriate." If you use big words with Noah, he will learn big words. If you use only little words, he will learn only little words.

3. Next, give your son some alternatives. For example, "I know you felt frustrated and angry. When this happens again, what you do is say, “I'm angry! Can you say that?" Have Noah repeat the phrase after you.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Aspergers and HFA

4. Lastly, review what you have said. For example, "What are you going to say the next time you're angry?" Get Noah to repeat the phrase, "I'm angry!"

Then say, "The next time you're angry, are you going to scream?" Your son will probably say or indicate "no."

Then say, "The next time you're angry, are you going to throw things?" …and "The next time you're angry, are you going to kick?"

End up with, "Tell me again what you're going to do the next time you're angry."

You will have to repeat this discussion many, many times. It takes a long time for a youngster on the autism spectrum to learn how to control a tantrum and reach for alternatives instead.

Hunger + Tiredness + Low-Frustration Tolerance = Tantrums

Although the triggers for tantrums vary widely, the causes are often very simple, tiredness and hunger being the biggest two.  Low-frustration tolerance is usually the third major trigger. Tantrums can occur as your son tries and fails at new tasks and struggles to express his frustration in an appropriate manner.

When tiredness and hunger are at play, you may have noticed Noah’s frustration level go from 0 to 100. If so, this is your cue to remove him from the situation and try to get him fed and rested.  When tiredness and hunger are NOT at play, you may still notice your son’s frustration level gradually building up. This is why it’s important for him to learn to recognize when his uncomfortable emotions come into play.

When your son learns to identify when he is starting to feel frustrated, he can then learn to take advantage of the other alternatives. But, this requires having an understanding of his emotions. You will want to focus on nurturing your son’s self-awareness with respect to his feelings. Make it your goal to help Noah reach a place where he is able to pause and self-reflect – even in the grip of intense emotions – then constructively answer two questions: “What am I feeling?” and “What do I need?"

When it comes to coaching your son in managing his emotions, you will want to follow some basic ground rules for healthy discussions on the matter:
  • Consistently prove to your son that it’s safe to share his feelings with you. Whenever and however Noah reveals his emotions (e.g., through angry outbursts or tearful whispers), it’s important that you remain calm, keeping your own responses and emotions in check.
  • Explain to your son that emotions are not right or wrong, including frustration and the subsequent anger. However, what is right or wrong is how he behaves when he is upset in this way.
Best of luck!



 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
By

Parents’ Management of Temper Tantrums in Children on the Autism Spectrum

Kids with ASD (high functioning autism) have been known to have a tantrum or two. Think about why a youngster may have a tantrum. That's right, they work! Tantrums can get kids what they want, or they would not have them. What do kids want? Candy, attention, favorite toys, not to go to bed, to continue self-stimulating, not to take medicine, more cookies, no more broccoli, and on and on.

Kids want what they want, when they want it. There are some things you can do to prevent tantrum behavior (e.g., teach kids to wait) but that cannot help you when you are at the shops with a screaming youngster! The best solution for a tantrum is a commitment from all people who have regular contact with your youngster to ignore the tantrum and never give the youngster what he is fussing for as long as he is still having a tantrum. Here's how to do it and stay sane.

What Is A Tantrum?

A tantrum is a form of communication. It's a way for the youngster to say: "Look, moms and dads and the whole world, you'd better give me what I want!" A tantrum is a normal reaction to frustration (not getting what you want) that has grown into a behavior problem. It is normal for a youngster to express anger when disappointed. Anger is a healthy response as long as it is expressed in a socially acceptable way. 
 

When a youngster expresses anger, our first reaction may be amusement. It's cute when a toddler gets mad. Their face frowns up, they say cute things, and they seem so pitiful. Our second reaction, unfortunately, may be to give in to them. This is when a normal anger reaction may turn into a tantrum. The youngster learns quickly that this tool they have just discovered is like magic. It gets the youngster what he wants.

As time goes on, moms and dads get angry too and begin to punish, ignore, yell, and, eventually, to give in again. This is why many moms and dads say, "I tried ignoring, but it did not work." You cannot ignore for a while. You must always ignore, in all situations, or it will not work. The youngster must learn that you will never give in to him when he is fussing. 
 
What happens when we ignore, yell, or punish for a while and then give in? The youngster has learned that for a tantrum to work, it must be loud and must last for a long time! To stop a tantrum, you and all who have regular contact with your youngster will have to agree to never give in to a tantrum. This is very hard to do! If you cannot commit to this, then stop reading now and find a way to enjoy the tantrums.

Counting Procedure—

One strategy is to let the youngster know that reinforcement is currently not available. It can be used when a youngster wants something that he can have, but not by throwing a tantrum.

Mother/father: “No crying.” (Start counting as soon as the youngster takes a breath but stops as soon as the crying begins again.)

Mother/father: Repeat “No crying” (Resume counting each time the youngster stops crying.)

Eventually stops crying for a full count of 10.

Mother/father: "What do you want?"

Where a youngster has echolalia, he may begin using the number sequence as a request for the desired object. The numbers should then be counted non-verbally using your fingers instead. In some cases the counting procedure may actually escalate the tantrum because the presence of the mother/father still suggests that he can get what he wants. This can be especially true if the tantrums have worked in the past to get the youngster what he wants. Planned ignoring should then be used.

Planned Ignoring—

Planned ignoring, or tactical ignoring, is a strategy to deal with behaviors that thrive on attention. It is not to be used when the tantrum causes harm to the youngster, others, or property. To ignore the youngster harming self, others, or property would be teaching a behavior that is much worse than a tantrum. If your youngster is harming self, others, or property, ask the professionals working with you for another strategy. Here's how to implement planned ignoring for tantrums:

Consistent response from everyone—

Everyone who has regular contact with your youngster must agree to use this approach for each and every tantrum. If your youngster can understand you, when he is calm, tell your youngster that you will not pay attention to any tantrums (use words he understands) and that you will not give him what he wants as long as he is having a tantrum.
 

Complete ignoring of the tantrum—

Whenever and wherever a tantrum occurs, it must be completely ignored. This means no positive or negative attention. The tantrum should be treated as if it did not exist and that it will change nothing for the good or bad in your youngster's life. Do not look at your youngster (except out of the corner of your eye to assure your youngster's safety). Do not talk to your youngster, correct your youngster, yell at your youngster, reason with your youngster, comment on the tantrum, or explain your actions to your youngster. Do not touch your youngster (except to protect him from harming himself, others, or property). Step over your youngster if you have to. No hugs, spankings, pats, squeezes, etc. Do not give your youngster anything to distract him, especially the item he is fussing for.

Lavish praise to other kids for their appropriate behavior—

Do not talk to others in the room about the youngster's tantrum. Talk to other adults about the news, sports, or weather. Focus on the other kids or people in the room and what they are doing right. Also, do not ignore good behavior when it occurs at other times. When you see your youngster behaving well, sitting quietly, tell him so: "I like how you are sitting so quietly!" This will let the youngster know that you pay attention to good behavior, not bad.

If you are alone, occupy your attention with other activities—

Read a book, call a friend (this may be a good idea as long as the friend will support you in your new, tough-love stance with your youngster - but do not call anyone who will convince you to give in), listen to music, watch television, sweep the floor, anything to distract you from paying attention to your youngster's tantrum.

Positive reinforcement for appropriate behavior—

When the tantrum stops (in the beginning, this may take a long time), wait a few moments, and then praise your youngster for the next appropriate behavior. Do not discuss the tantrum and do not give your youngster the item or privilege he was fussing for until 30 minutes have passed. 
 
At that time it is appropriate to say: "Now ask me again for a cookie (or the item that set the tantrum off - if it is appropriate to have at that time)." Praise the youngster for appropriate asking and give the item, if appropriate. This positive reinforcement will encourage appropriate behavior.

When to Intervene in a tantrum—

If your youngster begins to hurt himself, others, or property during a tantrum, you must intervene. If your youngster is trying to hurt others, remove the others from his reach and give the others your full attention. Do not talk to your youngster while intervening. Continue to ignore the tantrum. If your youngster is hurting himself, remove any items that may harm your youngster or move your youngster to a safer place. Do not talk to your youngster and use only the amount of physical contact necessary to assure your youngster's safety. 
 
Make all your actions appear to be matter-of-fact. Treat the tantrum with as little attention as possible. Not unlike the way you deal with an unpleasant noise from outside over which you have no control.
 

If your youngster was in the middle of completing a task for you when the tantrum began, ignore the tantrum but make sure the youngster completes the task, even if it means hand-over-hand help. For example, if you asked your youngster to pick up the toys and then the tantrum began, do not allow the tantrum to get the youngster out of the chore. 
 
Without talking to the youngster, help him pick up the toys and put them away. When the task is finished, walk away without praising your youngster, unless the tantrum stopped. You may also wait for the tantrum to stop and then have your youngster complete the task.

Getting help in dealing with tantrums—

Talk with supportive people who understand what you are doing with your youngster. Hopefully, you have a spouse, minister, friend, family member, and/or professional to share your progress with. This will help keep you on track and will help you deal with the strange looks you will get from people in the community who do not understand what you are doing to your youngster.

Have someone else observe your ignoring to make sure you are not providing any inadvertent attention to your youngster. Stick to the planned ignoring for at least one month before thinking about changing tactics. Behaviors that have been around for a long time will take longer to extinguish. If the tantrum behavior occurs again after it has stopped, apply the planned ignoring all over again. Your youngster must get the idea that tantrums do not help them or hurt them, they just get ignored!

Tantrums as a request for attention—

Kids with ASD often communicate through their behavior. That may well be what is going on in a tantrum. You may acknowledge that you understand that the youngster is trying to tell you something but "you must use your words" or communicate in some other way.

As long as the youngster is not fussing, give praise when the youngster uses his words. Also, make sure you listen, don't ignore good communication (get up and meet the need or request if it is appropriate - or explain why it is not appropriate). Often we moms and dads get busy and put the youngster off for too long once he has asked appropriately for something. Show your youngster that appropriate communication is rewarded and honored.

A tantrum can be a request for attention. Moms and dads have a natural tendency to run to their kids when they are in distress. Unfortunately, kids can learn to get attention just by screaming. It is important that you stop reinforcing the behavior by giving attention to your youngster. Instead, give lots of positive attention during appropriate behaviors. For example, approach him when he is playing quietly and offer lots of hugs and kind words (or whatever works as positive reinforcement for the youngster).
 

Never give attention to the problem behavior again. Time out or ignoring will work if the problem behavior is an attempt to gain attention. If the youngster is using self-injurious or destructive behavior to gain attention, don't leave the youngster alone. Block the behavior and protect the youngster but do not say anything and do not provide any “soothing” touches.

Be aware of sensory issues that can cause tantrums—

Some tantrums are related to sensory issues. A tantrum may occur due to your youngster's hearing a noise, seeing something that they dislike or are afraid of, smelling something, etc. If you suspect this, look into the sensory issues and consult your youngster's occupational therapist for sensory integration ideas. Some kids enjoy tantrums because they lead to the mother/father holding the youngster. I know some therapists recommend holding a youngster to relieve the tantrum. Just my opinion: I think this gives too much attention and may actually reinforce the tantrum.

Some kids do things in a tantrum that cause them self-harm (e.g., banging head, hitting self, etc.) and can lead to self-injurious behavior - sometimes this is a sensory issue also. Researchers believe some kids hurt themselves to release endorphins in the body that then provides them with a sensation they enjoy. If your youngster is hurting himself, please contact a psychologist or psychiatrist or other medical professional for evaluation.

 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
By

Calming Techniques for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"How do you deal with an autistic child (age 5) who frequently has severe temper tantrums whenever she doesn't get her way, for example, can't play here favorite game 24/7?"

In order to understand what calming techniques will work with your ASD (high functioning autistic) child, you will first need to determine what things irritate her and have some understanding of the context in which she is throwing a tantrum. 
 
While she is calm, make sure your child knows what the expectations are, but don't confuse the issue with trying to talk to her about things at a time when she is already upset.

Here's a basic plan:
  1. Recognize the signs (e.g., facial expressions) and triggers (e.g., transitioning from one activity to the next) that your child is becoming upset, and intervene prior to a tantrum. Try to redirect her to an alternative activity, something that she enjoys.
  2. If "redirecting" does not stop the tantrum, tell her to stop. Don’t add any extras, just STOP (calming and directly).
  3. If she still doesn't stop, remove her from the area in which the tantrum is taking place. Provide some physical redirection to an area where she can calm down. It can be very effective to call this her SAFE place. It may include a bean-bag chair where she can sit. But, eliminate any extras in the area, such as toys or other preferred items. 
  4. If she doesn’t voluntarily go to her SAFE place, physically escort her there.
  5. Tell her she must be calm for 5 minutes before she can get up.

This may seem like a overly simple process in order to deal with what may be a challenging behavior. The key is to be consistent so that your child will always know what is coming. If the child is in school, try to provide this program across all environments. 

It is amazing how many children on the autism spectrum will actually learn to go to their SAFE place independently as a way for them to control themselves. (Tip: They LOVE structure and routine!) You want your child to self-monitor her behavior, and you want to show her that you believe she has the ability to calm herself down.


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... We also struggle with tantrums and even rage with our 8 year old son. I agree with setting clear limits. Zoe, can you give me an example of emotional regulation? Im not sure i know what that means.
•    Anonymous said... Trying to stop it before my 6yr son goes over the hill has not been easy for me,
•    Anonymous said... Let me know...my 10yo aspie is getting too aggressive for me.
•    Anonymous said... Lately its been take the flight system before the storm hits, I ask him whats wrong or what happend, and sometimes he can express bit other times it break or throw things,,,
•    Anonymous said... get some some books or flyers on how to calm down, even picture stories. During calm days talk about other options for dealing with there own stresses better, taking a deep breath, counting to 10, walk away, dive into a bean bag, give them alternative options, ask them to use words to tell you what's bothering them. Then at times of tantrum calmly remind them of the other options, guide them, it will take time. You have to also understand why the tantrum is taking place as you may deal with different tantrums in different ways, for example is it too much sensory stimuli, boredom, just plain refusal, what happened before the tantrum etc. My son used to have very long tantrums, we worked on this for about 2+ years, he still has some but they have reduced considerably in how often and for how long. It took a lot of consistency, guidance and repetition to see improvement, it won't happen overnight. I am not talking about the typical kind of tantrums that you see in kids, children with HFA/Aspergers can, as you know, have tantrums that are on a whole other level.
•    Anonymous said... Assertive limit setting works for me - acknowledging and validating the childs feelings and difficulty but setting firm limits around what kind of behaviour is and isn't acceptable. We also work on emotional regulation and perspective-taking as a backdrop to this.

Post your comment below…

By

Aspergers Meltdowns versus Temper Tantrums

One of the most misunderstood Aspergers (high functioning autism) behaviors is the meltdown. Frequently, it is the result of some sort of overwhelming stimulation of which cause is often a mystery to moms and dads and teachers. They can come on suddenly and catch everyone by surprise. Aspergers kids tend to suffer from sensory overload issues that can create meltdowns. Kids who have neurological disorders other than Aspergers can suffer from meltdowns, too. Unlike tantrums, these kids are expressing a need to withdraw and slowly collect themselves at their own pace.

Kids who have tantrums are looking for attention. They have the ability to understand that they are trying to manipulate the behavior of the others, caregivers and/or peers. This perspective taking or "theory of mind" is totally foreign to the Aspergers youngster who has NO clue that others cannot "read" their mind or feelings innately. This inability to understand other human beings think different thoughts and have different perspectives from them is an eternal cause of frustration.

Tantrums—

A tantrum is very straightforward. A youngster does not get his or her own way and, as grandma would say, "pitches a fit." This is not to discount the tantrum. They are not fun for anyone. Tantrums have several qualities that distinguish them from meltdowns.
  • A youngster having a tantrum will look occasionally to see if his or her behavior is getting a reaction.
  • A youngster in the middle of a tantrum will take precautions to be sure they won't get hurt.
  • A youngster who throws a tantrum will attempt to use the social situation to his or her benefit.
  • A tantrum is thrown to achieve a specific goal and once the goal is met, things return to normal.
  • A tantrum will give you the feeling that the youngster is in control, although he would like you to think he is not.
  • When the situation is resolved, the tantrum will end as suddenly as it began.

FACT:

If you feel like you are being manipulated by a tantrum, you are right. You are. A tantrum is nothing more than a power play by a person not mature enough to play a subtle game of internal politics. Hold your ground and remember who is in charge.

A tantrum in a youngster who is not Aspergers is simple to handle. Moms and dads simply ignore the behavior and refuse to give the youngster what he is demanding. Tantrums usually result when a youngster makes a request to have or do something that the parent denies. Upon hearing the parent's "no," the tantrum is used as a last-ditch effort.

The qualities of a tantrum vary from child to child When kids decide this is the way they are going to handle a given situation, each youngster's style will dictate how the tantrum appears. Some kids will throw themselves on the floor, screaming and kicking. Others will hold their breath, thinking that his "threat" on their life will cause moms and dads to bend. Some kids will be extremely vocal and repeatedly yell, "I hate you," for the world to hear. A few kids will attempt bribery or blackmail, and although these are quieter methods, this is just as much of a tantrum as screaming. Of course, there are the very few kids who pull out all the stops and use all the methods in a tantrum.

Effective parenting -- whether a youngster has Aspergers or not -- is learning that you are in control, not the youngster. This is not a popularity contest. You are not there to wait on your youngster and indulge her every whim. Buying her every toy she wants isn't going to make her any happier than if you say no. There is no easy way out of this parenting experience. Sometimes you just have to dig in and let the tantrum roar.

Meltdowns—

If the tantrum is straightforward, the meltdown is every known form of manipulation, anger, and loss of control that the youngster can muster up to demonstrate. The problem is that the loss of control soon overtakes the youngster. He needs you to recognize this behavior and rein him back in, as he is unable to do so. A youngster with Aspergers in the middle of a meltdown desperately needs help to gain control.
  • A youngster in a meltdown has no interest or involvement in the social situation.
  • A youngster in the middle of a meltdown does not consider her own safety.
  • A meltdown conveys the feeling that no one is in control.
  • A meltdown usually occurs because a specific want has not been permitted and after that point has been reached, nothing can satisfy the youngster until the situation is over.
  • During a meltdown, a youngster with Aspergers does not look, nor care, if those around him are reacting to his behavior.
  • Meltdowns will usually continue as though they are moving under their own power and wind down slowly.

Unlike tantrums, meltdowns can leave even experienced moms and dads at their wit's end, unsure of what to do. When you think of a tantrum, the classic image of a youngster lying on the floor with kicking feet, swinging arms, and a lot of screaming is probably what comes to mind. This is not even close to a meltdown. A meltdown is best defined by saying it is a total loss of behavioral control. It is loud, risky at times, frustrating, and exhausting.

Meltdowns may be preceded by "silent seizures." This is not always the case, so don't panic, but observe your youngster after she begins experiencing meltdowns. Does the meltdown have a brief period before onset where your youngster "spaces out"? Does she seem like she had a few minutes of time when she was totally uninvolved with her environment? If you notice this trend, speak to your physician. This may be the only manifestation of a seizure that you will be aware of.

When your youngster launches into a meltdown, remove him from any areas that could harm him or he could harm. Glass shelving and doors may become the target of an angry foot, and avoiding injury is the top priority during a meltdown.

Another cause of a meltdown can be other health issues. One example is a youngster who suffers from migraines. A migraine may hit a youngster suddenly, and the pain is so totally debilitating that his behavior may spiral downward quickly, resulting in a meltdown. Watch for telltale signs such as sensitivity to light, holding the head, and being unusually sensitive to sound. If a youngster has other health conditions, and having Aspergers does not preclude this possibility, behavior will be affected.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Aspergers and High Functioning Autism
By

Public Tantrums in ASD Children

Question

I need some practical advice on how to deal with public tantrums and meltdowns and shrieking. It seems like sometimes when I try to stop the shrieking in public, it increases. I want to do what is right by my son, but I feel ignorant as he has just been diagnosed with ASD... Please help!

Answer

The tantrums and meltdowns caused by Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) can be very different than what most people would consider a 'temper tantrum'. They are caused by the same sort of things, but they may happen more easily, or for a much more unusual stimulus. In addition, it may not be that the youngster particularly wants something, so much as that the world has become too much, and he is simply lashing out against it.
 

The most important part about dealing with tantrums and meltdowns is finding out what is causing them. While a lot of what is causing them can't be avoided, there will be some that can, and you can work on keeping him away from them or removing him from the stimulus if it starts. If it can't be removed or dealt with, asking your specialist about various coping methods would be a good idea. I'm not sure how old your son is or how severe his ASD is, so I can't give more detailed suggestions on the 'coping mechanisms'. 
 
For instance, if your youngster has a meltdown in a very crowded location, then maybe you can work on finding ways to avoid bringing him into very crowded areas and work your way up. Maybe it's strong scents, and you can keep them away from the perfume aisles. Of course, it may just be the usual emotional frustrations, which come even with the most neurotypical kids.

Now, for actually dealing with them when they happen, the first thing you can do is to try and remember that the meltdown isn't something that needs to be punished. Most moms and dads might see it as a temper tantrum, but they are much different than that. It can help if you get in the frame of mind of "how can I help my son through this" rather than "how can I make my son stop this."  
 
 
Lashing out at the youngster will just make it harder, since he will be more terrified of losing control, seeing it as a bad thing. Instead, detach the youngster from the uncomfortable situation and work on some coping skills. Move it up a little at a time, if you can. He may never be able to handle everything, but he should at least be able to control himself well enough to say, "Mom, I need to go," rather than fall down and start screaming. Make sure that he feels you are a safe place in this, and that he can trust you to help him through it.

Now, if these 'meltdowns' genuinely are a temper tantrum rather than an overload, it's possible that you'll need to start discipline to work on them. In that case, focus on treating them the way that most tantrums are to be treated (e.g., primarily ignore them; don't punish; don't reward, etc.). It's not easy, but it's probably the best way to handle a tantrum. Now, I'm not saying the youngster is having tantrums rather than meltdowns, but being unable to hear the details of what's happening, I'd rather cover all bases.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… hi my name is amanda and my autistic son no matter how bad it got i always kept a calm voice and low tone i just repeated his name over and over till i got through to him he always calmed down with low tone talking if you get angry of course he will respond with anger if you raise your voice he /she will do that too i found they respond to your tone .he once threw fit in store i kept my calm voice and he calmed down even though people were looking at us i kept my voice calm and he was done in 5 min . thanks for reading .
•    Anonymous said… My behavioralist (my son is 5 with ASD and SPD) says to ignore them. Make sure they are safe, offer other alternatives, try to distract, but if none of that works, ignore it.
•    Anonymous said… My son is HFA....diagnosed at age 15. When he was younger and had a tantrum. ....we removed him from the place. BEFORE we went anywhere, we talked about behavior. My neuro - typical daughter raised her hand to me me ONCE at age 16. She never did it again. Don't sell your ASD kids short, they "know" how to push buttons. We never coddled our son, before or "after" the diagnosis.
•    Anonymous said… One thing might be to begin to recognise when your child is already overloaded. When our son is overwhelmed we just can't go out. If we do it has to be very short. Maybe also see if there are sensory issues in some spaces like strong smells/sounds in some places and avoid them. Pubs with kids play areas for example. We use headphones so our son can listen to music to block stimulation.
•    Anonymous said… Same as you do with any kid. Pick him up and take him to the car.
•    Anonymous said… Take the child out of situation ( to car or otherwise) - as you would for any child. Aspergers doesn't mean they can't learn to know how to behave it's just they take s lot longer to learn... Explain calmly that screaming and shouting in public ( for whatever reason ) is not acceptable. Eventually they get it!
•    Anonymous said… To this mother,I would suggest trying two things. One we call "Red Balloon"-My daughter would hold her hands as if she was holding a ballon between them and slowly breathe out,letting the "bad/angry air" out. She would do as many "balloons" as required,until she felt calmer. Another thing to try is whispering. While they're shouting and screaming,whisper calming words. Your child will want to understand what you're saying,and will adjust their volume so they can hear you,possibly whispering themselves.
•    Anonymous said… What if,like me,you don't drive for medical reasons-so no car. And any attempts to move the child take superhuman strength because the "child" (my daughter is 16) is bigger than you and has become physically abusive when attempts are made. Then what?

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Children with ASD and Holiday Tantrums: Tips for Parents

A holiday stress poll revealed that more than 8 out of 10 Americans experience stress during the holidays. At this time of year, parents have to find a way to add extra shopping and holiday events to their already busy schedule. They have to try to entertain their children who are getting a 2-week break from school (and stuck indoors most of the time due to cold winter temperatures). 
 
Money, in particular, can be a cause of stress because moms and dads feel demands to purchase gifts, decorations and other items tied to the season. Parents who have kids with neuro-behavioral disorders often experience even more stress.



All children have tantrums. But when a youngster has Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), behavioral problems can be even more intense – and difficult to interpret. Intense tantrums are likely to be a result of disrupted routine, inability to communicate feelings, inflexibility, motor-planning problems, or sensory issues. 
 
It’s easy for AS and HFA kids to become frazzled during Christmas break. The fast pace, pressure, noise, and disruption to regular schedules can quickly result in over-stimulation and meltdowns. However, planning ahead can go a long way toward warding-off extra stress, and will help ensure that the entire family can relax and enjoy the holidays.
 

Below are 20 tips to tame a challenging youngster's bad temper during the holiday season. They may not be pretty, or conform to the way you thought you would be parenting, but they will get the job done and buy you some time.

1. For most AS and HFA children, intense tantrums are going to be a fact of life. Making sure your youngster is safe and supported (rather than pacified or pampered) can cut the duration and intensity of the temper tantrum. Remind yourself that, with time and age and therapy, things will get better.

2. If your youngster has a silly streak, sometimes you can use that to nip a temper tantrum in the bud. A silly song, a funny face, a nonsense word, or doing something really off-the-wall to yourself may get your youngster giggling instead of whining.

3. Since your AS or HFA youngster most likely has sensory issues, temper tantrums can be extremely hard to read. Look at the whole day, the entire environment, and the big picture. You will need solve the mystery before you can provide adequate support and problem-solving.

4. If a tantrum begins to occur, physical restraint may be necessary at times for your youngster's safety. But, try to minimize the use of physical force. A physical struggle usually makes matters worse. The problem with holding or hugging the AS or HFA youngster as a way of managing tantrums is that he will come to see physical attention as a reward for having outbursts. Thus, moms and dads may find their youngster having more – not fewer – tantrums.

5. Be realistic about the length of time you can spend in public places with your AS or HFA child. Most kids have short attention spans and little tolerance for staring at their mom’s knees during outings. Kids on the autism spectrum have even less tolerance than “typical” kids the same age.

6. Considering shopping with your husband, your brother, your best friend – anyone. A spare adult can (a) supervise your AS or HFA child while you try on clothes, (b) wait outside with him while you run into stores, or (c) gently escort an angry youngster to the car while you finish up.

7. Build in opportunities for choices along the way so that your AS or HFA youngster feels like she has some control. For instance, if you are going to take a break in mid-afternoon during a shopping trip, you could include a choice of snacks on your youngster's schedule so that he can choose between a grape drink and a fruit smoothie. On the visual schedule, the item that comes after the visit to the grocery store can show two images side by side (a grape drink and a fruit smoothie) from which your youngster can choose.

8. When your child is in the midst of a tantrum, brainstorm some possible compromises or concessions that give her the illusion of control. Very few circumstances are as black and white as they seem when you're in a power-struggle. Find some gray areas, and strategize ways to exploit them.

9. Do some behavior analysis to figure out why your youngster feels the need to fight over certain things. Often, her reason is better than your reason. There may be real sensory issues involved in scuffles over food or clothing. Refusal to sleep or use the toilet on demand may feel to your youngster like controlling the only things she truly can.

10. Give your youngster a visual schedule of the places you are going to be visiting while shopping and running errands. Also, have your youngster help you arrange the order of places on the list. In this way, he will be able to anticipate what will occur next and see a clear end-point. Anything that reduces uncertainty tends to reduce tantrums. As you are leaving one place on your afternoon outing, ask your youngster, "Where do we go next?" This will focus his attention on the schedule. 
 

11. Maybe you and your child are both having a bad day. Maybe you miscalculated her tolerance-level. Maybe there's something extra stressful at the shopping center. Whatever the reason, if your youngster loses the ability to hold herself together, don't threaten or cajole – just get the hell out of there, now! Also, be aware, every moment, of how you will go about doing this.

12. Hungry kids are cranky kids. And kids tend to get hungry quickly and frequently. Thus, bring along a baggie containing pieces of fresh fruit or cheese-and-crackers for snacks.

13. Figure out what you can reasonably accomplish within the time limit you've set. Be realistic. Don't count on being able to rush around feverishly, or find everything you want immediately. Schedule a few stops, then get out. Also, try to choose a time when the shopping center is least likely to be packed. And take a pass on those big sale days, or find a babysitter and leave your youngster at home.

14. Avoid power-struggles at all cost. When the parent and child engage in a power-struggle, the child usually wins. It takes two people to argue, and you have a choice as to whether you want to be one of them. You don’t have to lay down and let your youngster walk all over you. But you do want to look for ways to reach consensus that doesn't involve you saying, "You need to shape up – or else!"

15. Pack a bag of tricks. Books, iPods, GameBoys, portable DVD players, travel games – whatever can be easily toted and deployed to distract – bring it!!!

16. Pay attention to your own feelings and needs during Christmas break. Engage in activities that YOU enjoy and find relaxing. Taking care of yourself helps keep your body and mind healthy and primed to deal with demanding circumstances. Consider cutting back on television viewing, and instead get the whole family out together for a winter walk. This will promote activity and takes children away from sedentary time.

17. Sometimes, rather than scolding, it’s better to empathize. Acknowledging your youngster's point of view may take some of the wind out of the tantrum's sails.

18. Talk to your AS or HFA child about expectations for gifts and holiday activities. Be open with her if money is an issue. Depending on the youngster's age, moms and dads can use this as an opportunity to teach their child about the value of money and responsible spending.

19. Tired kids are cranky and are easily set-off. Don't plan to be out beyond your youngster's usual naptime.
 

20. Silliness is a good distractor, especially when traveling long distances, or waiting for extended periods of time in long lines at the Mall or at the airport. Here are a bunch of distractors that require no advance planning:
  • Arm wrestle
  • Ask for favorites (e.g., TV show, movie, book, color, game, animal, friend, etc.)
  • Be mirror images
  • Blow a raspberry on your youngster's arm
  • Blow imaginary bubbles
  • Count backward from 100
  • Count by twos, threes, fives, tens
  • Count how many words you can spot (e.g., on signs, posters, clothes, etc.)
  • Count your change
  • Count your currency
  • Crawl fingers up your youngster's back or arm like a spider
  • Do charades
  • Do songs with hand motions (with and without the words)
  • Draw a letter on your youngster's back with a finger and see if he can guess
  • Explain the meaning of various figures of speech
  • Flip a coin
  • Fold or roll up currency
  • Give a backrub
  • Give a math equation for your youngster to figure mentally
  • Give a string of math equations and ask for the answer at the end
  • Give an invisible manicure or pedicure
  • Give your youngster the name of an object and ask what color it is, what letter it starts with, what shape it is, if it's heavy or light
  • Go on a "hike" with your two fingers walking over your youngster's arms, shoulders and head
  • Guess what the people around you do for a living
  • Have a staring contest
  • Have your youngster draw a letter on your arm or back, and you do the guessing
  • Have your youngster name all his or her classmates
  • Have your youngster narrate a favorite movie
  • Have your youngster teach you some clapping games 
  • Hide something in one fist – and guess which hand?
  • Interview your youngster for a TV news show
  • Let your youngster play with your hair
  • Let your youngster try on your jewelry
  • Let your youngster try on your wristwatch
  • Look for things out the window
  • Make a Christmas or birthday wish list
  • Make a puppet face with your fist, with your thumb as the lower jaw
  • Make a stack or a snake with loose change
  • Make faces
  • Make up an acronym for your youngster's name, and the names of other family members
  • Make up math story problems
  • Make up your own secret code
  • Name a relative's birth year and have your youngster figure out how old
  • Pick a number between 1 and 10
  • Play "Rock, Paper, Scissors"
  • Play "Simon Says" 
  • Play "Truth or Dare"
  • Play paddycake
  • Play with your youngster's hair
  • Practice breathing techniques
  • Push palms together to see who can push the hardest
  • Repeat what the other person says; repeat what the other person says
  • Say "Tell me three things you did today"
  • Say words to rhyme with
  • Say words to spell
  • See how many birthdates of friends and family your youngster can recall
  • See how many people your youngster can name in your extended family
  • See how your youngster looks in your glasses
  • See who can go the longest without talking
  • Show your youngster the pictures in your wallet
  • Sing some silly songs 
  • Speak Pig Latin
  • Stack hands one atop the other, pulling out the hand at the bottom and bringing it up top
  • Take off your shoe and have your youngster practice shoe-tying
  • Take off your youngster's shoes and socks and use the socks as puppets
  • Take turns naming words for a letter of the alphabet; last one to think of a word wins, and you move to the next letter
  • Teach your youngster some clapping games
  • Tell a story, taking turns one sentence at a time
  • Think of rhyming words for items around you
  • Throw an imaginary ball
  • Thumb wrestle
  • Try guided relaxation
  • Try some tongue twisters (e.g., supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)
  • Try to make each other laugh -- last one wins
  • Try to remember one of your youngster's favorite storybooks; let your youngster correct your mistakes
  • Use your wristwatch to give a lesson in telling time
  • Use your wristwatch to time things going on around you
  • Whisper secrets, silly and serious
  • Write a poem, taking turns one sentence at a time

The holiday season can be tough of children with special needs …too many people …too much noise …too much food …too much hustle and bustle. Never mind the fact that some AS and HFA children go crazy during big family events. In any case, by using the tips listed above, you can reduce – and even eliminate – your youngster's intense tantrums during this holiday season.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

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Parent Management Training [PMT] for Parents of Aspergers Children

Parent management training (PMT) is an adjunct to treatment that involves educating and coaching moms and dads to change their Aspergers child’s problem behaviors using principles of learning theory and behavior modification.

Purpose—

The aim of PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING is to decrease or eliminate an Aspergers child’s disruptive or inappropriate behaviors at home or school and to replace problematic ways of acting with positive interactions with peers, moms and dads and such authority figures as teachers. In order to accomplish this goal, PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING focuses on enhancing parenting skills. The PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING therapist coaches parents in applying such strategies as rewarding positive behavior, and responding to negative behavior by removing rewards or enforcing undesirable consequences (punishments).

Although PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING focuses on specific targeted behaviors rather than on the youngster's diagnosis as such, it has come to be associated with the treatment of certain disorders. PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING is used in treating oppositional defiant disorder , conduct disorder , intermittent explosive disorder (age-inappropriate tantrums), and attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder ). Such antisocial behaviors as fire-setting and truancy can also be addressed through PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING.

Description—

In PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING, the therapist conducts initial teaching sessions with the parent(s), giving a short summary of foundational concepts in behavior modification; demonstrating interventions for the moms and dads; and coaching parents in carrying out the techniques of PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING. Early meetings with the therapist focus on training in the principles of behavior modification, response-contingent learning, and ways to apply the techniques. Moms and dads are instructed to define the behavior(s) to be changed concretely and specifically. In addition, they learn how to observe and identify relevant behavior and situational factors, and how to chart or otherwise record the youngster's behavior.

Defining, observing and recording behavior are essential to the success of this method, because when such behaviors as fighting or tantrums are highlighted in concrete, specific ways, techniques of reinforcement and punishment can be put to use. Progress or its absence is easier to identify when the description of the behavior is defined with enough clarity to be measurable, and when responses to the PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING interventions are tracked on a chart. After the Aspergers child’s parents grasp the basic interventions as well as when and how to apply them, the techniques that the moms and dads practiced with the therapist can be carried out at home.

Learning theory, which is the conceptual foundation of PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING, deals with the ways in which organisms learn to respond to their environment and the factors that affect the frequency of a specific behavior. The core of learning theory is the notion that actions increase or decrease in frequency in response to the consequences that occur immediately after the action. Research in parent-child interactions in families with disruptive, difficult or defiant kids shows that parental responses are unintentionally reinforcing the unwanted behavior. PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING trains moms and dads to become more careful in their reactions to a youngster's behavior.

The parents learn to be more discerning: to provide attention, praise and increased affection in reaction to the Aspergers child’s behaving in desired ways; and to withdraw attention, to suspend displays of affection, or to withdraw privileges in instances of less desirable behavior.

The most critical element of PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING is offering positive reinforcement for socially appropriate (or at least non-deviant) behaviors. An additional component involves responding to any undesired behaviors by removing rewards or applying punishment. These two types of response to the youngster must be carried out with great consistency. Consistent responding is important because erratic responses to unwanted behavior can actually cause the behavior to increase in frequency. For instance, if a youngster consistently throws tantrums in stores, hoping to be given something to end the tantrum, inconsistent parent responses can worsen the situation. If a parent is occasionally determined not to give in, but provides a candy bar or a toy to end the tantrum on other occasions, the youngster learns either to have more tantrums, or to have more dramatic tantrums. The rise in the number or intensity of tantrums occurs because the youngster is trying to increase the number of opportunities to obtain that infrequent parental reward for the behavior.

Planning responses ahead of time to predefined target behaviors by rewarding desired actions and by withdrawing rewards or applying punishment for undesirable behavior is a fundamental principle of PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING. Consistent consequences, which are contingent on (in response to) the youngster's behavior, result in behavior change. Moms and dads practice therapeutic ways of responding to their Aspergers child’s behavior in the PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING sessions with the therapist.

Through PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING, parents learn that positive rewards for appropriate behaviors can be offered in a variety of ways. Giving praise, providing extra attention, earning points toward obtaining a reward desired by the youngster, earning stickers or other small indicators of positive behavior, earning additional privileges, hugging (and other affectionate gestures) are all forms of reward. The technical term for the rewarding of desired behavior is positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement refers to consequences that cause the desired target behavior to increase.

PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING instructs moms and dads to cancel rewards or give punishments when the Aspergers child behaves in undesirable ways. The removal of rewards usually entails time away from the circumstances and situations in which the youngster can do desired activities or receive attention. The concept of a "time out" is based on this notion of removal of rewards. Time out from rewards customarily means that the youngster is removed from people and stimulation for a certain period of time; it can also include deprivation of privileges.

Punishment in PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING is not necessarily what parents typically refer to as punishment; it most emphatically is not the use of physical punishment. A punishment in PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING involves a response to the youngster's negative behavior by exposing the Aspergers child to something he or she regards as unpleasant. Examples of punishments might include having to redo the correct behavior so many times that it becomes annoying; verbal reproaches; or the military standby—"drop and give me fifty"—having to do pushups or sit-ups or laps around a playing field to the point of discomfort.

The least challenging problems, which have the greatest likelihood of successful change, are tackled first, in hope of giving the family a "success experience." The success experience is a positive reinforcement for the family, increasing the likelihood that they will continue using PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING in efforts to bring about change. In addition, lower-level behavioral problems provide opportunities for moms and dads to become skilled in intervening and to learn consistency in their responses. After the parents have practiced using the skills learned in PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING on the less important problems, more severe issues can be tackled.

In addition to face-to-face sessions with the parents, some PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING therapists make frequent telephone calls to the moms and dads between sessions. The purposes of the calls are to remind moms and dads to continue to be consistent in applying the techniques; to answer questions about the work at home; and to praise the parents' attempts to correct the youngster's behavior. In addition, ongoing support in sessions and on the telephone helps parents feel less isolated and thus more likely to continue trying to use learning principles in managing their youngster. Troubleshooting any problems that arise regarding the application of the behavioral techniques is handled over the telephone and in the office sessions.

An additional aspect of learning theory is that rewarding subunits of the ultimately desired behavior can lead to developing more complex new actions. The subunits are finally linked together by changing the ways in which the rewards are given. This process is called "chaining." Sometimes, if the youngster shows no elements of the desired response, then the desired behavior is demonstrated for the Aspergers child and subsequent "near hits" or approximations are rewarded. To refine "close but not quite" into the targeted response, rewards are given in a slightly "pickier" manner. Rewarding successive approximations of the desired behavior is also called "shaping."

Risks—

The best way to learn to alter parental responses to Aspergers child behaviors is with the support and assistance of a behavioral health professional (psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical social worker). As noted earlier, moms and dads often inadvertently reinforce the problem behaviors, and it is difficult for a parent to see objectively the ways in which he or she is unintentionally supporting the defiant or difficult behavior. Furthermore, inappropriate application of such behavioral techniques as those used in PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING can actually make the problem situation worse. Families should seek therapists with valid credentials, skills, training and experience in PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING.

Normal results—

Typically, the parents should notice a decrease in the unwanted behaviors after they implement the techniques learned in PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING at home. Of the various therapies used to treat childhood disorders, PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING is among those most frequently researched. PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING has shown effectiveness in changing Aspergers kid's behavior in very well-designed and rigorous studies. PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING has a greater effect on behavior than many other treatments, including family therapy or play therapy.

Furthermore, the results— improved child behavior and reduction or elimination of undesirable behavior— are sustained over the long term. When a group of kids whose families had used PARENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING were examined one to fourteen years later, they had maintained higher rates of positive behavior and lower levels of problem behavior.
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Avoiding Meltdowns and Tantrums While Shopping: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

All parents with Aspergers and high functioning autistic (HFA) children have experienced it: the dreaded meltdown in a public place. Your child is screaming at the top of his lungs while an assortment of disapproving eyes are all focused on you. The pressure is on! What can you do? Fear not, you are not alone.

Below are some tips to preventing meltdowns and tantrums while shopping:

1. Anything that reduces uncertainty will help to reduce meltdowns. Give your youngster a visual list of where you are going and the places you will be visiting. Make cards with pictures of the places you are going to, or cut out pictures from a magazine. Let your youngster help you make the list and arrange the order of places where you are going. In this way, he will be able to anticipate where you are going and what will happen next. Take your list along, and every time you have finished one errand, remove the card from the list and ask your youngster to tell you where you are going next. Once all the cards have been removed from the list, you can take him for a treat (if there were no meltdowns).

2. Set expectations. Before leaving the house, set out clear rules so your youngster knows what to expect. Explain you are going for only the items on your list – and nothing else (e.g., say to your youngster “we are not buying a toy today” and ask him to repeat this statement back to you). If your youngster knows what to expect before leaving, there is less chance of him having a meltdown when you say “no.”

3. During meltdown, put your youngster's needs first. It is tempting to worry about “what everyone else is thinking,” but make eye-contact with your youngster and let him know you are "present" to the situation. Stay cool. The last thing your screaming child needs is to be confronted with a screaming mother or father telling him to “stop it” and threatening to take away all of his favorite toys when you get home. Stay calm and talk to your youngster. Verbal aggression is fueled by lack of communication. When parent and child are shouting at each other, this breaks down the communication even more.

4. Avoid a physical struggle when possible. If a meltdown does happen, you may have to physically restrain your youngster to prevent him from harming himself or others, but generally a physical struggle makes things worse. If your child finds comfort in being held, he will see this as a reward for his meltdown, especially in public. As a result, you may see him having more – not fewer – outbursts.


5. Avoid verbal examinations. Although it is a good idea to talk with your youngster when you are shopping, avoid creating the impression that outings are verbal examinations. Sometimes, well-meaning moms and dads present their youngster with a rapid-fire series of questions (e.g., "What color is that balloon?" … "What shape is that?" … "Point to the clown") as they navigate through their shopping trip. Kids on the autism spectrum have speech-processing delays. Because they are already distracted by everything they see during an outing, asking them a series of questions can create additional cognitive demands, and in some cases trigger meltdowns. Allow your youngster's interests to guide occasional questions from you (e.g., if your youngster is staring intently at a poster of a popular kid's book character in a store window, you might ask him the name of the character he sees).

6. Don't make jokes. This is not the time to try and cajole him back to a calm state. If he is shrieking and thrashing around on the floor, put your shopping cart in reverse, tell the check-out lady you will return another time, and physically walk out of the store with your child in tow. Sometimes a different environment is all it takes to calm an Aspergers or HFA youngster down. If he doesn't calm down, leave …quickly.

7. Be realistic. "Special needs" kids can only be “stimulated” for so long. Be considerate and remind yourself how you feel when something over-stimulates you (e.g., the sound of loud screeching brakes). No child is going to sit quietly as you visit seven shoe stores and try on every pair you like. Cut shopping strips down to one hour (two at the most!). Also, consider browsing websites to find the items you want before going in order to cut down on shopping time.

8. Build in opportunities for choices along the way so that your youngster feels he has some control. For example, if you are going to take a break in mid-morning during a shopping spree, you might include a choice of snacks on your youngster's schedule so that he can choose between a fruit smoothie or some chocolate milk. On the visual schedule, the item that comes after the visit to the shoe store can show two images side by side – a fruit smoothie or a container of chocolate milk – from which your youngster can choose.

9. Apologize to bystanders while you attempt to gingerly make your way out the door. You need not gush, simply say, "I'm sorry, we are having a difficult morning."

10. Diffuse the problem ahead of time. If you see a meltdown brewing, try to gently diffuse it by stopping, bending down to your youngster, and speaking softly and gently to “nip it in the bud” before it escalates. Explain the expectations that the two of you agreed upon earlier - and that you both promised “no screaming or shouting” - and give him something to look forward to (e.g., trip to the park on the way home, lunch at McDonald’s, etc.).

11. Use distraction. Only a mother or father can recognize and understand the benefit of using the technique called “distraction.” When that bottom lip starts wobbling, you’ll do whatever it takes to prevent a screaming session. To the uneducated eye, it may appear you are spinning around on one foot, singing “Row Row Row Your Boat” while clapping your hands, but in all actuality, over your years of parenting, you have mastered distraction.

12. For younger children, don’t go out before naps. When possible, have your child take a good hour nap before leaving for a shopping trip. If he is tired, he will be quick to explode if he becomes over-stimulated.

13. Don’t go out hungry. A hungry kid is a grouchy kid. Go shopping – especially food shopping – only after a snack or meal.

14. Ignore the minor tantrums. It can be easy to crumble with embarrassment and feel you must reprimand your child as other shoppers look on. By allowing yourself to get angry and raise your voice, you will simply add fuel to the fire. Tantrums are attempts to get your attention so that your youngster can get what he wants. Ignore the milder form of tantrums, and he will tire-out eventually or forget what he was complaining about. (Note: There is a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Tantrums are voluntary – meltdowns are not!)

15. Refrain from trying to act like a full-blown, major meltdown isn't happening. Nothing is more maddening to bystanders than witnessing a mother or father attempting – and tragically failing – to ignore her youngster's “totally out-of-control” behavior. It’s a "lose-lose" situation for all concerned to pretend that high-voltage behavior is not taking place.

With the right techniques, you can avoid public meltdowns and tantrums completely, but this takes time, patience, determination – and sometimes, just plain guts!

My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums
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