Overcoming the "EQ Deficit": Help for People with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

While much of what I'm about to talk about applies to both men and women, this post is going to lean more toward addressing the male-version of Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism...

Men with Aspergers and High Functioning Autism suffer from a phenomenon called “mind-blindness,” which is a cognitive condition where the person is unable to attribute mental states to self and others. As a result of this condition, he is often unaware of others' mental states and has difficulty attributing beliefs and desires to others.

Lacking in this ability to develop a mental awareness of what is in the mind of his partner, the Aspergers man is often viewed as emotionally detached.

"Emotional intelligence" is in many ways the opposite of mind-blindness. Emotional intelligence (EQ) matters just as much as intellectual ability (IQ) when it comes to happiness and success in life. Emotional intelligence helps one build stronger relationships, succeed at work, and achieve career and personal goals.

So the “fix” (so to speak) for the Aspergers man would be to replace mind-blindness with emotional intelligence. But is this even possible? The answer is: it depends.

If the man is willing to seek treatment from a therapist (preferably one who specializes in Autism Spectrum Disorders), then chances are he will successfully work around his weaknesses and capitalize on his strengths. On the other hand, if the man refuses to acknowledge his mind-blindness issue (which is easy to do since a blind mind will have trouble seeing itself), then he will likely suffer the negative consequences associated with being out of touch -- and out of step -- with the world around him. Like a bicyclist with two flat tires, the Aspergers man’s progress will be slow and shaky.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Emotional intelligence is:

• the ability to appreciate complicated relationships among different emotions
• the ability to comprehend emotion language
• the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts, including the ability to identify one's own emotions
• the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities (e.g., thinking and problem solving)
• the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups

Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand. Understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time. The emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals.

Emotional intelligence consists of four attributes:

1. Relationship management: Knowing how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

2. Self-awareness: Recognizing one’s emotions and how they affect one’s thoughts and behavior, knowing one’s strengths and weaknesses, and having self-confidence.

3. Self-management: Being able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, managing emotions in healthy ways, taking initiative, following through on commitments, and adapting to changing circumstances.

4. Social awareness: Understanding the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, picking up on emotional cues, feeling comfortable socially, and recognizing the power dynamics in a group or organization.

The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to relieve stress. Uncontrolled stress impacts the Aspergers man’s mental health, making him vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If he is unable to understand and manage his emotions, he will be open to mood swings, which makes it very difficult for him to form strong relationships, and can leave him feeling lonely and isolated.

Emotional intelligence can help him navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in his career. In fact, when it comes to gauging job candidates, many companies now view emotional intelligence as being as important as technical ability and require EQ testing before hiring.

By understanding his emotions and how to control them, the Aspergers man is better able to express how he feels – and understands how others are feeling. This allows him to communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in his personal life.

Emotional intelligence consists of five key skills:

1. The ability to connect with others through nonverbal communication
2. The ability to quickly reduce stress
3. The ability to recognize and manage one’s emotions
4. The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence
5. The ability to use humor and play to deal with challenges

These five skills of emotional intelligence can be learned, but there is a difference between learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge to one's life. Just because the Aspergers man knows he “should” do something doesn’t mean he will – especially if he becomes overwhelmed by stress, which can hijack his best intentions.

In order to permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, he will need to learn how to take advantage of the powerful emotional parts of his brain that remain active and accessible even in times of stress. This means that he can’t simply read about emotional intelligence in order to master it. Rather, he has to experience and practice the skills in his everyday life.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

EQ Skill #1: Paying Attention to Nonverbal Communication—

Often, “what” somebody says is less important than “how” he or she says it or the other nonverbal signals that are sent out (e.g., the gestures a person makes, the way he sits, how fast or how loud he talks, how close he stands to others, how much eye contact he makes, etc). In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, the Aspergers man needs to be aware of – and in control of – this body language. He also needs to be able to accurately read and respond to the nonverbal cues that other people send.

Messages don’t stop when someone stops speaking. Even when a person is silent, he or she is still communicating nonverbally. The Aspergers man needs to think about what he is transmitting as well, and if what he says matches what he feels. Nonverbal messages can produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and desire for connection – or they can generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.

Tips for improving nonverbal communication:

Successful nonverbal communication depends on one’s ability to manage stress, recognize one’s own emotions, and understand the signals one is sending and receiving. When communicating, the Aspergers man needs to:

• Pay attention to the nonverbal cues he is sending and receiving (e.g., facial expression, tone of voice, posture and gestures, touch, timing and pace of the conversation).
• Make eye contact, which will communicate interest and maintain the flow of a conversation, and help gauge the other person’s response.
• Focus on the other person. If the Aspergers man is planning what he is going to say next, daydreaming, or thinking about something else, he is almost certain to miss nonverbal cues and other subtleties in the conversation.

EQ Skill #2: Quickly Reducing Stress—

High levels of stress can overwhelm the mind and body, getting in the way of one’s ability to accurately “read” a situation, to hear what someone else is saying, to be aware of one’s own feelings and needs, and to communicate clearly. Being able to quickly calm down and diffuse stress helps one stay balanced, focused, and in control – no matter what challenges are faced or how stressful a situation becomes.

Tips for reducing stress:

• The best way to reduce stress quickly is by engaging one or more of the senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Each person responds differently to sensory input, so the Aspergers man needs to find things that are soothing and/or energizing to him. For example, if he is a visual person, he can relieve stress by surrounding himself with uplifting images. If he responds more to sound, he may find a wind chime, a favorite piece of music, or the sound of a water fountain helps to quickly reduce his stress levels.
• Everyone reacts differently to stress. If the Aspergers man tends to become angry or agitated under stress, he will respond best to stress relief activities that quiet him down. If he tends to become depressed or withdrawn, he will respond best to stress relief activities that are stimulating. If he tends to freeze (speeding up in some ways while slowing down in others), he needs stress relief activities that provide both comfort and stimulation.
• Recognize what stress feels like. How does your body feel when you’re stressed? Are your muscles or stomach tight or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Being aware of one’s physical response to stress will help regulate tension when it occurs.

EQ Skill #3: Managing Emotions—

Being able to connect to one’s emotions (i.e., having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions) is the key to understanding self and others. Many Aspergers men are disconnected from their emotions – especially strong core emotions like sadness, fear and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others.

How in touch are you with your emotions?

• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in certain places of your body (e.g., lower back, stomach, chest, etc.)?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do your emotions factor into your decision making?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions?
• Do you experience feelings that flow (i.e., encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment)?
• Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, fear, joy), each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?

If any of these experiences are foreign to you, then your emotions may be turned down or off. In order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them.

EQ Skill #4: Resolving Conflicts Positively--

Disagreements and misunderstandings are to be expected in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, beliefs, and expectations at all times. However, that is not a bad thing. Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

Tips for resolving conflict:

• Choose your arguments. Arguments take time and energy, especially if you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.
• End conflicts that can't be resolved. It takes two people to keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.
• Forgive. Other people’s hurtful behavior is in the past. To resolve conflict, you need to give up the urge to punish or seek revenge.
• Stay focused in the present. When you are not holding on to old hurts and resentments, you can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

EQ Skill #5: Using Humor and Play to Deal with Challenges--

Humor, laughter, and play are natural solutions to life’s problems. They lighten burdens and help keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings the nervous system back into balance. It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful, humorous side. The more you joke, play, and laugh – the easier it becomes. Playful communication broadens emotional intelligence and helps the individual:

• Become more creative. When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid ways of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new ways.
• Simultaneously relax and become more energized. Playful communication relieves fatigue and relaxes the body, which allows the person to recharge and accomplish more.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be otherwise difficult to express without creating an argument.
• Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.

In order to develop playful communication, the Aspergers man needs to:

• find enjoyable activities that loosen him up and help him embrace his playful nature
• play with animals, babies, young children, and outgoing people who appreciate playful banter
• set aside regular, quality playtime

In a nutshell, the Aspergers man can begin to replace mind-blindness with emotional intelligence – with the assistance of a qualified professional – by doing the following:

1. Acknowledging his negative feelings, looking for their source, and coming up with a way to solve the underlying problem 
2. Avoiding people who invalidate him or don't respect his feelings 
3. Being honest with himself
4. Developing constructive coping skills for specific moods
5. Examining his feelings rather than the actions or motives of other people
6. Getting up and moving when he is feeling down
7. Learning to relax when his emotions are running high
8. Listening twice as much as he speaks
9. Looking for the humor or life lesson in a negative situation
10. Paying attention to non-verbal communication (e.g., watch faces, listen to tone of voice, take note of body language)
11. Showing respect by respecting other people's feelings
12. Taking responsibility for his own emotions and happiness

Most of you have heard that “there is no cure for Aspergers Syndrome.” And technically, that’s correct. But, emotional intelligence can be taught. And some people with Aspergers – both male and female – who have received quality treatment from a qualified professional have lost their Aspergers diagnosis after a few years of intensive therapy. That is, after being re-tested, they did not meet the criteria for Aspergers Syndrome any longer. The same can be true for you. So, what are you waiting for?

==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA 


==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Fretfulness in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“My youngest child has high functioning autism and has been officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder. She is clearly a child who reacts to stress with anxiety, constantly fretting about something which then often converts to meltdowns. Anyone else having this issue, and what do you think might help in situations like this?”

The benefit of being a kid is not having a care in the world, yet for many children with ASD or High-Functioning Autism, worry is a reality and something that takes a toll on the joy of childhood. What’s even more alarming is that many moms and dads are completely unaware that their “special needs” child is even feeling this way.

Most children will experience worry at some point. For example, your youngster may have repetitive, exaggerated thoughts such as, “What if I fail English?” …or “What if no one likes me?” He may fear that someone will hurt him or his family, or he may become excessively worried at bedtime, at school, or in social situations. This is O.K. to an extent, because a small amount of apprehension can actually help prepare children to handle tough situations later on in life. 

The difference between normal worry and an Anxiety Disorder is the severity of the worrying. Although feeling fretful is a natural reaction to a stressful or dangerous situation, an AS or HFA youngster may need help if her fretfulness is out of proportion, if it persists, or if it interferes with her life and healthy development.

It's always painful to watch a youngster suffer from stress and worry, but it's especially difficult if you're not sure whether he is worrying “too much” and in need of assistance. So, how do you know if your youngster’s worries are cause for concern? Here are some signs that your child is a chronic worrier:

• An ASD youngster who is overwhelmed by worries may not realize that those worries are unrealistic or exaggerated, and she may not express them – except by her behavior. For example, if she's fretful that something could happen to her mother or father, she may have trouble separating or falling asleep.
• The youngster may say negative things, such as “I’m no good” …or “I hate myself” … or “I can’t do this.”
• The youngster may have excessive concerns or irrational fears, complain of stomachaches, be nervous at school or refuse to go all together, be afraid to go to sleepovers or birthday parties, or have frequent headaches.
• Kids who have severe angst will try to avoid the things that trigger it. For example, anxiety may be the culprit if the youngster spends a great deal of time in the school nurse's office, refuses to participate in activities other kids enjoy, throws a tantrum before every appointment with the dentist or doctor, or gets sick on Sunday nights due to worrying about going back to school on Monday morning.
• If the youngster can't stop fretting about germs or getting sick, she may seek constant reassurance or wash her hands obsessively.

 ==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

All kids want to be reassured, and they want to know they will be safe. Some need extra reassurance. If this is the case, routines and traditions can help calm these children. However, many autistic kids will not be calmed by the parent’s answers. It doesn’t matter how many times the parent reassures them or how many times they check on them, they still fret. Kids who have these kinds of worries often struggle in other situations, too. For example, they may not want to meet new peers or go to other’s homes because of their worries (e.g., “What if I need something?” …or “What if I don’t know what to do?”).

Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors and Anxiety in Kids on the Autism Spectrum 

How to help the fretful ASD child:

1. Set aside a designated time for your child to fret. This is called “fret time.” If he frets about many things throughout the day, pick a special time for it. Set aside 10 minutes where your youngster can talk about his worries, or he can write his worries on paper and share them with you. Also, try to eliminate all distractions during “fret time.” If your youngster starts to fret at some time other than “fret time,” he can say to himself, “Stop. That is for my fret time.” Then he should do something else to distract himself. As a mother or father, you may need to help your youngster remember to wait for “fret time” by saying something like, “Save that for fret time. We’ll talk about it then. For now, how about playing a video game?”

2. Create a “fret jar.” Have your youngster picture a ‘jar with a lid’ in her mind. This is a “fret jar.” If she starts to fret, she can imagine opening the jar, putting the worrisome thought in the jar, screwing the lid on tightly, and sealing the worry there. Alternatively, you can create a real “fret jar” rather than an imaginary one, and encourage your youngster to write the anxiety-inducing thought on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. Then, she can talk about the worry during “fret time.” You can help with some techniques and ways to deal with the concern at that time.

3. Don’t allow your youngster to avoid everything that worries her. Fretfulness tends to peak at the beginning of a new or scary situation, then eases off. If parents can help their youngster get through the initial stage of high stress, she’s likely to have a positive experience, which will make it easier the next time.

4. Don’t model “excessive caution.” Overly-cautious moms and dads are likely to say things, such as “Be careful on the swing because you might fall and hurt yourself” without realizing that they are increasing the youngster’s fretfulness. It’s better to say confidently, “I’m sure you’ll have fun on the swing. I’m right over here if you need me.”

5. Increased exposure to the stressful situation is an effective strategy for overcoming anxiety.  For example, if your youngster is afraid of cats, start out by showing him pictures of cats, then visit an animal shelter, then go to someone’s house where they have cats, and finally, have your child pet a cat.  The important idea here is to take small steps and gradually expose your youngster to the fear.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
 

6. Help your youngster put the worry outside of himself. It can help him to think of himself as being separate from the worry. For example, have him picture the worry as a funny looking monster. Help him create the image (e.g., furry with claws, a blob with a big mouth, etc.), and then have him draw a picture of the monster. Next, remind him to visualize the “worry monster” as something that is outside of himself. When your youngster starts to fret, he can picture the monster and can do something about it (e.g., talking back, standing up to it, etc.). Also, have him write down things to say to the “worry monster” (e.g., Get away! I don’t like you! Stop that!). The first few times your youngster does this, the monster will return. When this happens, he should repeat his message in a firm voice (either in is mind or aloud), or he can imagine catching the monster in a net and kicking it out of the house.

7. Help your child to find a distraction when he is in a state of anxiety. Being involved with some activity is key in keeping away worries. The way our minds are, we can’t be relaxed and stressed at the same time. This can be a powerful tool for helping children on the autism spectrum to keep worries away. If your youngster is drawing, reading, or playing a video game, there is little room for the “worry monster” to pester him. Your youngster may not feel like reading a book, for example, but help him understand that being active will help. He may have to force himself to get busy with some activity. As kids realize that staying busy helps keep worries away, it will be easier to want to engage in fun activities. Also, make a list of distracting activities to do (e.g., draw a picture, help dad with yard work, play a game, play music, read, run up and down the stairs, sing a song, take a pet for a walk, etc.), and post the list in a prominent place for all to see.

8. Never try to convince your youngster that her anxiety is unjustified. She’ll just become more convinced otherwise as she tries to prove to you that her worries are real. Instead, help her think about things realistically. For example, if she is worried that you might die, say something like, “Daddy is very healthy. I take good care of myself. I will be living a very long time.”

9. Practice deep breathing with your youngster at bedtime to provide her with a technique to use under stress (e.g., take a deep breath, hold it for a count of three, exhale through the mouth, then repeat). However, bear in mind that it won’t work to introduce deep breathing in the middle of a stressful situation. Your youngster needs to practice so that it becomes a natural response.

10. Don’t chastise your youngster for worrying or resisting something because he’s afraid. He needs your support and reassurance. However, excessive reassurance (e.g., delivering a constant stream of “You’ll be OK” …or “You can do it” …or “There’s nothing to worry about) can make your youngster feel even more fretful. So, don’t offer a bunch of false reassurance.

11. Use social stories, games and puppets to help your youngster learn to relax and manage stress and anxiety.

12. If all else fails, seek support and counsel from a professional who works with children on the autism spectrum.

If you’re concerned that your youngster’s worry is excessive, it’s important to recognize how often he or she experiences distress, how much anxiety it causes, and if it interferes with his or her everyday activities. The crucial issue is not that children worry; rather, it’s the combination that they worry – and it impairs their functioning. By using some of the tips listed above, you can help keep your child’s fretfulness to a minimum.

 

More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD

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Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.

5 Ways to Help Reduce Anxiety in Children with Aspergers

Many advancements have been made in recent years in order to help children with Asperger's Syndrome better manage emotional strife. Because the effects of Asperger’s can range from emotional hypersensitivity to difficulty expressing emotional affect, children diagnosed with Asperger's often require additional support.

Anxiety for children with Aspergers can present a particularly challenging struggle for both the children and their families. Below are some carefully researched suggestions in order to reduce anxiety in children with Asperger’s Syndrome.

First, children with Aspergers often function well with routines and struggle when routines are broken or something unexpected suddenly springs up. Predictable daily schedules will help reduce and prevent anxiety in a child with Asperger's because he or she can understand what to expect on a daily basis out of any situation.

Nonetheless, changes in our routines are inevitable. When changes are anticipated to the child’s routine, it is important to verbalize to him or her what to expect from the situation. If the child is meeting a new person, explain the relationship of this person to the family. If going on vacation or visiting a new place, preview with the child some of the sights, sounds, and experiences he or she can anticipate from the change of scenery.

Allow for the child to begin to process and interpret the new situation beforehand in order to help him or her cope better with the change in routine.

Often, when a child with Asperger's is struggling with anxiety, one of the best solutions to offer include items that help to stimulate the child’s senses. Weighted blankets are a useful tool to include in a child’s bedding.

These blankets are carefully designed to place additional pressure upon the person using them. The intention is for the child to feel an extra tight snuggle. Medical experts support that the added pressure can even simulate the experience and safety and security of the womb.

Much like weighted blankets, pressurized clothing and fabrics are available. Pressurized clothing stimulates the senses. In many cases, these are items like undergarment vests or leggings that allow for the child to actively connect with his or her body and use sensorial coping strategies in order to alleviate tension.

In addition, parents can purchase full body socks that function much like a sleeping bag or cocoon. These items allow for the child to stretch out but to feel secure with added sensorial pressure. These materials help the child to develop motor skills, promote sensory awareness, and help alleviate anxiety when a child is feeling tense.

Apart from fabrics and materials, there are also manual items and toys that can help a child with Asperger's handle his or her anxiety. Children with Asperger's can benefit from both tactile and visual stimulation. Many hand-held items including toys, fidget spinners, and even putties exist to alleviate anxiety.

Fidget toys and spinners are often multifaceted toys that allow for the child to spin, pull, press, twist, or squeeze a small item manually to help to promote sensory awareness and alleviate immediate tension. Similarly, stress putty, much like silly putty or molding clay, can be used to relieve anxiety, offering the child something small and stimulating to squeeze when he or she is feeling anxious.

The final recommendation is a popular solution in modern alternative medicine. Pure essential oils logically help Asperger's children with anxiety because they stimulate the olfactory senses. According to Mental Health Matters, common fragrances selected for anxiety include lavender, chamomile, eucalyptus, frankincense, and peppermint extracts.

Pure essential oils can be used aromatically using an essential oil diffuser to produce a light scented mist, or they can be used in sprays and lotions to apply to fabric or even directly onto the body. The effects of pure essential oils can be extremely calming and soothing, especially combined with other relaxation techniques. If curious about essential oils, please follow this link for more information and to purchase: Pure Path Essential Oils

The struggles for children with Asperger's Syndrome are unique in many situations. However, taking these suggestions in mind, it is important for children with Asperger's to be able to process their environment and to feel secure. With the assistance of these techniques, parents of children with Asperger's can best assist their children in any anxiety-provoking situation.

Depression in Moms with ASD Children

"How common is depression in parents who have an autistic child (perhaps due to stress that comes with the territory)? Of course I love my child, but I'm thinking that I may need some counseling or some other form of outside assistance at this point to help me cope better. My fuse has been quite short lately."

Research reveals  that moms of kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) may be prone to depression if they feel responsible for the cause or outcome of their youngster's disorder. 50% of moms with ASD kids had elevated depression scores, compared to 15% to 21% in the other groups. Single moms were found to be more vulnerable to severe depression than moms living with a spouse.

Mothers are considered to exhibit symptoms of depression if they responded “all of the time” or “most of the time” to at least two of the following questions.

During the past 30 DAYS, how often did you feel:

1. Hopeless?

2. Nervous?

3. Restless or fidgety?

4. So sad that nothing could cheer you up?

5. That everything was an effort?

6. Worthless?

Certainly, a feeling of never being a “good enough” parent can lead to depression. And, in many cases, individual counseling for mothers is tremendously helpful. But, while feelings of guilt and inadequacy certainly are at play for many moms - and dads - there's much more to the story.

Families, even those with kids at the upper-end of the spectrum, cope with many other significant issues that often lead to frustration, anger, irritability, anxiety and more. For example:

• As kids with ASD grow older, moms and dads often face "retirement" with full personal and financial responsibility for an adult child who may depend on them for everything. This can be quite depressing.
• It can be expensive to treat a youngster on the spectrum. Many families go into debt to support therapies that are not paid for by insurance. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and anger.
• It can be tough to engage in normal social activity with a youngster on the spectrum. Social isolation is known to lead to depression.
• Many kids with ASD have a tough time sleeping, and keep their moms and dads awake all night. Exhaustion can lead to depression.
• Often times, moms with ASD kids wind up quitting jobs they enjoy – and income they need or want – in order to care for or home-school their child. This can certainly lead to depression.
• Moms and dads receiving a diagnosis of ASD are also coping with the loss of many of their expectations of parenthood. At the same time, they are losing out on the "parent club" that may have sustained them -- everything from exchanging play-dates and childcare with neighbors to coaching the local ball team. That can be depressing.
• Moms and dads who have to battle the school districts and state mental health agencies for any type of appropriate services are almost certain to run into issues and circumstances which are unacceptable, but over which they have little control. This is certainly depressing.

In short, having a youngster with ASD can, indeed, lead to depression, but the reasons are many and complex. No matter how optimistic or upbeat parents are, they may be unable to cheer up in the face of exhaustion, bankruptcy and isolation.

What are parents to do in the face of so many negatives?

There are a number of options for action. While none will change the underlying truth that your child’s ASD is here to stay, many can help moms and dads cope better with the emotional strain.

• Try journaling to relieve your stress.
• Seek respite care, so that you and your spouse can get away together for a well deserved break.
• Seek professional help from a professional with experience working with families with ASD children.
• Lower your therapy costs by choosing low-cost, low-risk treatments for your youngster.
• Find support among like-minded moms and dads of ASD kids.
• Know that you are doing the very best you can for your youngster. Instead of tormenting yourselves with "what if's," take a moment out to enjoy him or her.

Note: ASD kids of depressed moms are more likely than other kids to have behavior problems, academic difficulties, and health problems. Maternal depression has also been linked to delays in cognitive and motor development among kids 28 to 50 months old. Long-term, maternal depression has been found to have especially adverse consequences for child development and behavior. Five-year-old kids whose moms experienced frequent depression were more likely to have behavioral problems and lower vocabulary scores than those whose moms had less chronic depression. Thus, if you feel you are suffering from depression and have procrastinated in seeking treatment, then please get some help now – if not for you, do it for your special needs child.

More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's Children

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's Teens

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's: How to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Everything You'll Ever Need to Know About Parenting Asperger's Children

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> AudioBook: Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... As a single mom, struggling with my ASD beautiful child on my own, I can honestly say I suffer from depression, loneliness, and just being burnt out. I love my child and she is the best thing in my life but being the only support for her from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to be is exhausting.
•    Anonymous said... Definitely stress, yes depression, wishing you could take their pain away during a meltdown and the smile that reaches your heart when you watch them take amazing strides. My 10 year old son has 2 rare diseases in addition to high functioning autism, and he is hospital homebound for school, the autism makes the health issues harder to deal with and the health problems aggravate the autism. It definitely makes for an interesting life.
•    Anonymous said... I can totally relate to that, as a single mum it is 24/7 with no break and friends with NT children just don't get it. I found though that it was the constant fight to get my daughter supported in school that led me dangerously close to depression. I've been home edding for 2 years now and she has made so much progress that although yes, it is still isolating, lonely and exhausting I can see my daughter one day holding down a job and maybe even living independantly. I have hope now, whereas in the school system I had none. She is 15 tomorrow and has high functioning autism. Don't give up. I'm sure you are doing brilliantly.
•    Anonymous said... I could totally see this.
•    Anonymous said... I think this is definitely very common and probably the norm.
•    Anonymous said... PTSD is common.
•    Anonymous said... Thank you for posting this.
•    Anonymous said... Wow, is this ever the case in our home. This HFA is not just our sons condition but a family and marriage condition.
•    Anonymous said... Yep it makes sense for sure xx
•    Anonymous said… Good job I am a dad or this could be affecting me too.
•    Anonymous said… I am in that same predicament, except they haven't diagnosed my 4 year old son yet, keep getting told he is too young. But I know he is ADHD, SPD and more than likely has Aspergers. But, I can't find help anywhere near me and I'm a single mom with the 4 year old and 2 year old.
•    Anonymous said… I definitely have anxiety. I brush mine aside to deal with my son's whose is through the roof. I am constantly achy and I know this is the reason.
•    Anonymous said… I find myself in a constant state of grief. When I see friends post about their kids getting straight A's or excelling in sports I get sad and jealous. I know my son is doing the best he can but would rather stay home and play video games.
•    Anonymous said… I found being around people who know how you feel is a massive help. It saved me somewhat. I spent 12 years in my son's world alone and no one else knew what it was like for me. For him yes but for me no. Until I joined local autism groups. The support and friendship is overwhelming at first as your so used to going it alone. I've met some lovely new friends and we all help each other and know how the other feels. My son gets to socialise and I get to chat with the mum's.
•    Anonymous said… I get that! Anxiety that your child will be ok in school, will not be bullied by neither peer nor ignorant teacher. That he won't have a melt down. That he will have a friend. That the other kids won't throw grapes at him during lunch or steal his food. It has been one difficult road, as a mother, to watch your child go to school. He has always been super anxious too and is also treated for it.
•    Anonymous said… I had exactly that but we moved and changed schools and it's so different. My son has had to learn some social lessons about not telling on every single thing but he's relaxed and is enjoying it now. In his last school I dreaded picking him up as the teacher always had a negative comment and he'd be in tears. So we've been very fortunate but he's 10 and we have many school years to go.
•    Anonymous said… I have a Aspie husband, Aspie step-daughter (22), and an Aspie son (15). For so long, I thought I was depressed, but found out it was anxiety. I have gone through a lot of Asperger's counseling with experts. I was also suffering from unrelated PTSD and so I am on a mild anti-anxiety med and it truly has turned my life around. Talk to a counselor to see if it really is depression. Anxiety is masked in many different forms.
•    Anonymous said… I so needed to read this today. When my son struggles at school I struggle emotionally. I want to help him so much but I feel helpless.
•    Anonymous said… I struggle greatly with anxiety. My husband is an aspie with bipolar, adhd, anxiety, depression and NF 1. Our 14 yr old is an aspie with adhd, anxiety, spd, and NF 1. Our 4 yr old has social pragmatic communication disorder, spd, anxiety and is a runner. Our 17 month old and 5 month old have NF 1, so far. I feel overwhelmed most of the time. Lack of jobs due to hubby's issues and my trying to keep appointments for health and counseling and everyone together. So, no money, lots of bills, and constant worry equals lots of anxiety.
•    Anonymous said… I'd say it's pretty common....extreme levels of emotional stress coupled with anxiety, the fatigue from worrying constantly, yep, a total recipe for depression.... 😕
•    Anonymous said… I'd say very common. Throw is normal life stressors and then for me chronic pain and no support I'm fighting a losing battle
•    Anonymous said… I'm trying to take it one day at time. I have such control issues! Ha!
•    Anonymous said… It's a tough road, going thru the same with my 4 yr old.  :-(
•    Anonymous said… I've had anxiety for a while. My son is 11 and on the spectrum. The daily worries of school life, psychology appts, doctors, meltdowns etc gave me anxiety. I consulted my doctor in which l take medication for now to put me on an even keil to cope.
•    Anonymous said… Not only moms. I am the primary caregiver. I have lost my job, I'm depressed, have panic attacks, and broke. Apart from that, everything is hunky-dory.
•    Anonymous said… Not so much depression, anxiety lethal high have 2 kids asd. 1 with asd adhd severe odd learning difficulties its hard for it to not affect ur mental health esp when ur a single parent buy defo dont tink im depressed its pure worry
•    Anonymous said… One day at a time  😘 I'm here when you need me. You got this.
•    Anonymous said… this is the sort of support I use xxx
•    Anonymous said… You are not alone. Message me if you want to talk. I'm in the same boat  ❤️
 
Post your comment below…

Mood Disorders in Children with High-Functioning Autism

Mood disorders are mental health problems (e.g., depression, bipolar disorder, dysthymic disorder, anxiety disorder) that can occur in anyone, including young kids and teenagers. The cause of mood disorders is not fully understood, but an imbalance in brain chemicals play a role.

It is normal for a child’s mood to change, and most kids go through times of feeling sad. However, when these feelings last for a very long time or interfere with daily functioning, he or she may have a mood disorder.

Symptoms of mood disorders include:

• an elevated mood (i.e., mania) that is accompanied by feelings of grandiosity, extreme energy, and heightened arousal
• changes in appetite
• difficulty concentrating
• fatigue
• feelings of inadequacy 
• feelings of sadness
• guilt
• helplessness
• hopelessness
• irritability
• suicidal thoughts
• trouble engaging in daily tasks
• trouble in relationships

When considering the diagnostic criteria for Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) – and the effects of the disorder on a child's adaptive functioning in a social context – we can expect such children to be vulnerable to the development of secondary mood disorders. Research suggests that about 65% of adolescents with AS and HFA have a mood disorder that includes depression and anxiety. There is also evidence to suggest an association with conduct disorders, delusional disorders, and paranoia. It appears that comorbid mood disorders in adolescents with AS and HFA are the rule rather than the exception. Thus, a good question to ask is: “Why is this population more prone to mood disorders”?

Research has been conducted on the family histories of young people with Autism, AS, and HFA and has identified a higher than expected incidence of mood disorders. Children with AS and HFA may be vulnerable to a genetic predisposition to mood disorders. However, when we consider their difficulties with regard to empathy, profile of cognitive skills, sensory perception, social reasoning, and verbal communication, they are clearly prone to considerable stress as a result of their attempts at social inclusion. Chronic levels of stress can contribute to a mood disorder. Therefore, there may be circumstantial factors that explain the higher incidence of mood disorders in this population.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 

Theoretic models of Autism developed within cognitive psychology and research in neuropsychology also provide some explanation as to why these children and teens are prone to secondary mood disorders. The extensive research on “Theory of Mind” skills confirms that young people with AS and HFA have considerable difficulty identifying and conceptualizing the thoughts and feelings of others – and themselves. The interpersonal and inner world of emotions seems to be uncharted territory for these kids.

Research on executive function in individuals with AS and HFA suggests characteristics of being disinhibited and impulsive, with a relative lack of insight that affects general functioning. Impaired executive function also can affect the cognitive control of emotions. Among young people on the autism spectrum, clinical experience suggests that there is a tendency to react to emotional cues without cognitive reflection. Research on individuals with Autism using new neuroimaging technology also has identified structural and functional abnormalities of the amygdala, which is known to regulate a range of emotions (e.g., anger, fear, sadness, etc.). Therefore, we also have neuroanatomic evidence that suggests there will be problems with the perception and regulation of the emotions.

Treatment for mood disorders depends on the evaluation of a professional. Behavioral therapy, cognitive therapy, lifestyle modification, and medication may all be used. It is crucial to get early treatment for a mood disorder to reduce the severity of symptoms and manage any complications.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is the primary treatment for mood disorders. CBT has been designed and refined over several decades and has proven to be effective in changing the way an individual thinks about and responds to uncomfortable emotions (e.g., anxiety, sadness, anger, etc.)  This therapy focuses on aspects of cognitive deficiency in terms of the maturity, complexity, and efficacy of thinking, and cognitive distortion in terms of dysfunctional thinking and incorrect assumptions. Therefore, it has direct applicability to young people on the autism spectrum who are known to have deficits and distortions in thinking.

CBT has several components:

• an assessment of the nature and degree of mood disorder using self-report scales and a clinical interview
• mood education with discussion and exercises on the connection between cognition, affect and behavior, and the way in which people conceptualize emotions and construe various situations
• cognitive restructuring (cognitive restructuring corrects distorted conceptualizations and dysfunctional beliefs; the child or teen is encouraged to establish and examine the evidence for – or against – his thoughts and build a new perception of specific events)
• stress management (stress management and cue-controlled relaxation programs are used to promote responses incompatible with anxiety or anger)
• self-reflection (self-reflection activities help the child recognize her internal state, monitor and reflect on her thoughts, and construct a new self-image)
• a schedule of activities to practice new cognitive skills (a graded schedule of activities is developed to allow the child to practice new abilities that are monitored by the clinician)

The neurology of AS and HFA makes life more demanding. Young people with the disorder are often disconnected from what they themselves feel, leaving them ill-equipped to make sense of their daily experiences. In addition, the nature of their social and communication deficits creates its own challenges. These kids are often deprived of the social rewards, support, and validation that “typical” kids know and take for granted – leading to even greater frustration. Many AS and HFA kids know constant criticism and rejection, which can result in a harsh self-judgment that they are failing others.

Here a few tips for parents of AS and HFA children with mood disorders:

1. All children have bad moods sometimes. That’s nothing to be worried about. However, a mood disorder deals with problematic behavior caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Many moms and dads are in denial that their AS or HFA youngster may have a mood disorder. They don’t want anything to be “wrong” with their youngster, so they chalk up bad behavior to an artistic temperament. A Surgeon General’s report found that 75-80% of kids in need of mental health services don’t get it because of the stigma. So, make sure “denial” is not a factor in your case.

2. An AS or HFA youngster’s dark mood, negative words, and problematic behaviors can be frightening to parents. But, the reality is what it is. Living with AS or HFA is stressful and can invite feelings of despair, hopelessness, and self-disregard. Don’t let your fear keep you at bay or leave your youngster alone with her suffering. Do not shy away from the outside world, isolating yourself as your youngster isolates herself. If her mood concerns you, seek professional help (e.g., counseling, assessment, medication, etc.).

3. AS and HFA kids crave the steady, quiet, self-regulated, unthreatening control of their computer, books, bedroom, etc. They deserve a place of respite that they can count on. Don’t ignore your youngster’s true need for “down time,” maybe even preemptively suggesting at times that she run off to her preferred retreat.

4. Be careful not to take words or behaviors that you don’t understand as being empty and meaningless. Try to discover what your youngster is attempting to convey or express. This teaches her the inherent value of communication and empowers her being an agent in being understood by others. The more clearly and directly your youngster can share what she feels, the less in the dark you will be, and the more information you will have to guide your interventions and actions.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

5. Don’t cling to traditional parenting strategies. Traditional techniques will tell you that when your youngster misbehaves, the consequence should be immediate. That’s good advice for “typical” kids. But for an AS or HFA child with a mood disorder – it is bad advice. If a youngster with a mood disorder is acting-out, that may mean he is experiencing a meltdown rather than a temper tantrum (two distinctly different behaviors). And if parents try to impose disciplinary action at that point, it only escalates the meltdown. Therefore, delay the consequences, and don’t engage in the fight. When it’s calm, sit down with your youngster and explain the repercussions of his behavior.

6. Kids with AS and HFA tend to worry a lot. Try not to criticize or show your own frustration over this excessive worrying. Don’t try to rationalize away your youngster’s worry. Invite his expressions of hurt and worry with open arms. This will show him how good and comforting human connection can feel, and how it can alleviate an anxious or depressed mood.

7. Nothing truly comforts an AS or HFA youngster more than being in the presence of parents who feel genuinely at ease, especially when in the presence of his distress. If what you are doing is stressing your youngster excessively, try to back off and speak more quietly, more slowly – or not at all. You can’t shield your youngster from all the stresses of life, but you can be a calming influence from a world that moves too fast and too insensitively.

8. Parents of an AS or HFA youngster with a mood disorder must endure incredible stress – stress that affects the family, the marriage, and siblings. They’re constantly living in an unpredictable atmosphere and walking on eggshells, since they never know what may to set their youngster off. And, there are so many unanswered questions (e.g., Am I doing the right thing? Will my child be able to function as an adult? Will she hurt herself? Will she live a full life? …and so on). Furthermore, emotions like anxiety, despair, fear, hopelessness, and second-guessing yourself are all very common – especially when it seems like everyone around you is judging your parenting skills. Thus, it’s important for moms and dads to talk to a professional who is compassionate and non-judgmental and who provides a safe place to talk honestly and openly. Don’t be too proud to seek counseling for yourself!

9. Raising a youngster with AS or HFA is a lifelong endeavor. Helping him deal with depression and anxiety is a process that can proceed in a positive direction. Stay connected in whatever way you and he can muster and bear. Every molecule of connection parents establish with their youngster helps to protect him from anxiety, depression, self-hatred, despair, and the toxicity of isolation.

10. Lastly, watch for frustration and irritability that can’t be alleviated, that rises fast and frequent. A youngster’s losing interest in – or going deeper into – an obsession can signal depression and/or anxiety. Notice self-derogatory remarks and self-injury. Anxiety can intensify tics and body tension, or cause behaviors to grow more driven and rigid. When these signs reveal themselves, it’s time to reach out to a professional for assistance.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

Behavior Problems At Home - But Not At School

"I have great difficulty with my 6-year-old daughter (high functioning) at home due to frequent tantrums and meltdowns, yet her teacher states that her behavior at school is quite good. Why is this – and what can I do to get the same results at home?"

First of all, just because the behavior occurs at home doesn’t necessarily mean the “cause” of the behavior lies there. Your daughter may find school very stressful, but keeps her emotions bottled-up until she gets home. Most kids with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) do not display the body language and facial expressions you would expect to see when a youngster is feeling a particular way. While your daughter may appear relatively calm at school, she may be experiencing very different emotions under the surface.

Asking an HFA youngster how she feels may not get the correct response, because most of these young people struggle to explain their emotions to someone. Some find carrying visual “stress scales” helpful for overcoming these communication problems. These scales can be either in the format of a scale from 1-5, a thermometer, or a traffic light system. The idea is that when the youngster indicates that she is at a '4' or 'amber' (before she reaches a '5' or 'red'), she needs to be helped in some way to calm down again.

Instead of adults asking your daughter how she is feeling, she can show them the appropriate number or color. Scales can turn “emotions” (which are abstract concepts that require imagination to understand fully) into concrete examples of numbers or colors. This is something that kids with an autism spectrum disorder find easier to understand. If your daughter finds it difficult to use a scale, she could use a “help card” instead. This could be a red card, or have the word ‘help’ or a meaningful symbol on it, which she could carry around. When she begins to feel stressed-out or mad, she can show it to a teacher. It is important that everyone in contact with your daughter knows what to do if they are shown a card or a stress scale.

Some of these kids may need to be redirected to a different activity, have a quick run outside, or retreat to a quieter part of the school. It can be difficult to find a quiet area, especially in a big mainstream school, but it does not need to be a big space. Some schools will have an area (e.g., the library) where your daughter can listen to her iPod (for example) in order to filter-out external noise for a few minutes while she calms down.

Teachers may be concerned that by giving your daughter a card to leave the room, she may abuse the privilege (e.g., showing it to avoid activities she doesn’t want to be in), thus disrupting her education. Strict boundaries need to be given to your daughter regarding the use of a card or stress scale (e.g., clear instructions about where your daughter gets to go – and for how long). On a positive note, effective use of the card could ultimately reduce the amount of disruption to your daughter’s education. Instead of her being kept in a permanent state of anxiety during class, she may return to the classroom much more relaxed and focused.

Some moms and dads report behavioral difficulties in their HFA kids when they first come home after school, which might be because they are releasing the stress of the school day. If your daughter does this, it might be helpful to have a period of time right after school when she can relax. You could do this by reducing the amount of social interaction your daughter has immediately after school and by providing an activity which you think may help her de-stress. This activity will depend on your daughter’s preferences. If she is relatively physical in her method of stress-release (e.g., kicking or hitting), providing a trampoline, punching bag, or letting her run around the yard may help relieve the stress. Others like to clam-down by watching television or listening to music. Some find lights especially soothing (e.g., a bubble tube or spinning light).

For some kids on the spectrum, the timetable of the school day provides enough structure and routine to help contain any anxiety and stress. They have a strong preference for routine, and this is automatically incorporated into most school environments. Your daughter may benefit from having a visual timetable for home as well (it will make the environment more predictable for her). A timetable can either be constructed showing the whole day's activities, half the day, or simply the activities that are now and next.

Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… And routine..... And as Angela says, giving a few days notice of things happening, like dental or drs appointments, or visits to family etc
•    Anonymous said… At school barriers are put up. All This takes mental energy and it just runs out by the time you get home. Imagine you are an actor on stage in a 18th century play. Only the play is 8 hours long. Once you're done, you'll be exhausted. One way to take care of it is a stimming regiment after school. Hot bath or hot tub at a gym, heavy blanket nap, meditation, yoga, sports. Video games are okay for at most an hour. Then it's okay to be at home. You know how some men go to the man cave after getting home from work? Or some people hit the bar or gym after work before getting home. Same concept can be applied here. Rest and recharge before being part of the household
•    Anonymous said… Figuring out causes of meltdowns can take time and detective work. Not advised during the actual meltdown - when she's calm, she may be able to give her some clues, and when you're calm, you can think it through easier. Think about 2 categories of "causes" (there may be multiple, not just one): Triggers (what sets them off) & Consequences (what reinforces/keeps them happening). A very short list of possible triggers: exhaustion from holding it together at school, change in environment, change in amount of structure, interactions with siblings, sensory overload (can be really subtle), homework (performance/anxiety) issues, too much information coming in at once, not being able to communicate her needs, picking up tension in another person or the environment, not getting her way (since home is often less structured than school this happens more frequently). Possible Consequences that reinforce the meltdowns: increased sensory or emotional overload from reactions of others, increased desired attention, escape from things she doesn't like or want to do or cause her distress. There's a book by Jed Baker called "No More Meltdowns" that you might find useful.
•    Anonymous said… I always hear that my son is well behaved at school...or even with other people. At home though, or with just me and his dad, my son lets loose.
•    Anonymous said… I feel like my kid spent all day at school trying to be good and figuring out how to accommodate his challenges and how to get by in a neuro-typical world, that he was DONE when he got home. All that overstimulation is emotionally draining, I'm sure. He's 13 now and doesn't have melt-downs. He's able to control his anger and emotions a little better.
•    Anonymous said… It's because home is a safe space where they can let off steam. They have spent all day concentrating and remembering the rules and are totally stressed out. As bad as it is, I always found my son loved a bath to unwind; a snack and if possible, no homework. As he became better able to manage himself, to relax himself, then the homework began to be done. It's still difficult at times, once he's absorbed in something woe betide anyone who interrupts him, even if it is for him to have dinner, or to go to sleep....
•    Anonymous said… I've read that because they try so hard to deal with school, their brains are on overdrive and anxiety high, when they come home they just relax, let it go and meltdown.
•    Anonymous said… Learn the techniques that the school applies while she is there and apply the same ones at home.
•    Anonymous said… My Aspie daughter did horribly in school. It was incredibly stressful for her and have been homeschooling her for years. She is 14 now and we only havery melt downs every now and again. They are not school related as they used to be, I feel blessed to be able to homeschool her but feel bad that she may be missing the social interactions it provides. Her best friend lives in Nova Scotia and they talk online till 4am sometimes. The melt down have eased up so much with age too though. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind anymore. LOL.
•    Anonymous said… My son had this issue .... routine and attention. My son likes to know in advance what and when and how. It relieves anxiety and an irrational fear of the unknown that can lead to meltdowns. It takes extra time to stop and explain things ... little things ... like first we are going to the store and this is what we are going to buy etc. Then we will stop for pizza etc. Even though I am making the decisions he feels in control because in his mind he knows what to expect. Then if things do not go as planned it is good to have practiced a "response" such as a breathing exercise or counting to 10 or whatever ur child likes so that in an instance where there is a loss of control they have a way to get it back.
•    Anonymous said… Same problem so after school pick up we went to the park or for a swim to unwind. We put up pictures of home routine on the wall. But it gets better. Letting off steam from school stress is normal. They do it at home because it's a safe place to let it out.
•    Anonymous said… Same situation with my daughter. As she matured it got better.
•    Anonymous said… Set routine in school and in school some dont like the lime light as such so stay quiet out of fear of being heard(social aspect of it all)..at home where safe and familiar they let loose...is there a change in the home a noise that sets the child off suprisingly even a ticking tock can drive them mad as there senses are heightend...?? Few ideas but who knows really...keep calm keep smiling and loving x
•    Anonymous said… Thank you! I never understood till now frown emoticon
•    Anonymous said… We use a trampoline to calm sensors we find it the best. However sometimes he won't go on it. We have a few other things he can choose from. We have this problem too. It makes me super happy to read it does get much easier. Thank you.
•    Anonymous said… Yes I had the same experience. I'm happy that my son can manage at school as well as what he does. It means in the future he will be able to cope with a job. At home we need to recognise when his brain is frazzled and back off and lower our expectations. As he got older he could handle more. It's tough sometimes and it is stressful and chaotic at home sometimes. Best wishes to you
•    Anonymous said… Yes this is exactly like my son. Home is safe so he can let go of all the stress and tension he holds onto during the day at school. This can happen the second we walk in the door at home, but has often happened in the school car park, or even in the school grounds at school pick up. We try to help him to release some of this built up anxiety by stomping to the car, deep breathing and using his sensory toys. It's not easy and there is no quick fix!

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