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Help for Neurotypical (non-Aspergers) Siblings

Caring for an Aspergers (high functioning autism) youngster takes a tremendous toll on the whole family, and neurotypical siblings are no exception. As moms and dads, our exhaustion, stress, and uncertainty about how to respond to the needs of other children can leave us feeling guilty and drain our reserves — and might tempt us to downplay or ignore the impact a youngster's disorder may have on his siblings. By being aware of what neurotypical (i.e., non-Aspergers) brothers and sisters are going through and taking a few steps to make things a little easier, moms and dads can address many issues before they unfold.

Family routines and dynamics naturally change when a youngster has Aspergers, which can confuse and distress neurotypical siblings. In addition to fear and anxiety over the disorder, they often experience the feeling of loss of a "normal" family life, and loss of their identity within the family.

It's normal for neurotypical siblings to:
  • worry about the Aspergers sister/brother
  • fear that they or other loved ones will catch the sibling's “disease”
  • feel guilty because they're “functional” and can enjoy activities that the sibling cannot
  • be angry because moms and dads are devoting most of their time and energy to the Aspergers sibling
  • feel neglected and worried that that no one in the family cares
  • resent the sibling who may never have to do chores
  • resent that the family has less money to spend now because the sibling is receiving services and/or treatment
  • be nostalgic for the past (wishing things could be like they were before the Aspergers sibling came along)
  • feel residual guilt for being "mean" to the sibling in the past
  • experience generalized worry or anxiety about an uncertain future

The way brothers and sisters express their needs will vary considerably — some may act out, some may try be the perfect youngster, and many will do both. Most studies find that siblings of a youngster with Aspergers or Autism are not at any increased risk for mental disorder, although they may be at greater risk for behavioral and emotional manifestations of their distress.

Pay attention to any changes in children' behavior, and talk to them frequently about how they're doing and what they're feeling. The more room children have to express their emotions, the less emotional turmoil and fewer behavioral problems they're likely to have. Signs of stress in children can include any changes in sleep patterns, appetite, mood, behavior, and school functioning. Younger kids may pick up on parental stress and show regressed behaviors (i.e., doing things they did when they were younger and had already outgrown). Even if you don't see any signs in your children, you can be pretty sure that changes to their routine and seeing their moms and dads and other family members upset is likely to be causing them stress.

While you may not be able to take away the source of your children's emotional pain, you can help alleviate their stress and make them feel secure, cared for, and supported. These suggestions will help, but it's also helpful to seek support (e.g., through counseling) to help you take better care of all your kids:

1. Accept the situation for what it is. Realize just as you may mourn the loss of a more mainstream child, the Aspie’s brothers and sisters may also be sad they don't have the kind of sibling-relationship that other siblings enjoy. Let them talk about those feelings.

2. Be patient and attentive. Have a lot of patience with regressive behavior, especially on the part of neurotypical children, who may have trouble making sense of emotions. At a time when moms and dads' nerves are frazzled, it can be hard to stay patient and attentive, but it's essential for siblings. However, it's not a good idea to let children behave inappropriately or get away with behaviors that you would not have allowed before the Aspie received an Aspergers diagnosis. Rather than make a youngster feel relaxed, this can increase anxiety, jealousy, or feelings of abandonment.

3. Become informed. Fully educate yourself about your Aspergers child and then inform his brothers/sisters on an age-appropriate basis. Know that Aspergers kids find it very difficult to pick up on social cues and often have intense, narrow interests. Even a young sib can understand that, "Michael gets upset when we stop talking about trains, but we're working on ways to help him."

4. Include siblings in the treatment and care. Including neurotypical children in some of the treatment sessions can help demystify the disorder. They also can benefit from connections to other client’s' siblings. In addition, giving neurotypical children specific, non-threatening "jobs" can help them feel like an important part of the treatment process. Encourage their involvement in a variety of ways, and let them tell you how they'd like to be involved — maybe helping with social skills training to keep a the Aspergers youngster connected to life at home and school. Many treatment centers offer sibling counseling groups, workshops, and other programs that can help your neurotypical children feel less alone.

5. It's OK to have fun. Enjoying yourself and having fun can go a long way toward relieving stress and recharging your battery. In addition to trying to maintain a normal schedule of activities, whenever feasible set aside some time for your children to spend with friends and family without focusing on the disorder. You also can set aside one-on-one time with your neurotypical children where the focus is on them and everything that's going on in their lives other than their sibling's disorder.

6. Keep it "normal" as much as possible. Try to maintain continuity and treat your children equally. Stick to existing rules and enforce them. In addition to minimizing jealousy and guilt, this also can send a strong optimistic message about your Aspergers youngster's progress. And try not to fall into the trap of relying on neurotypical children as caregivers before they're ready. Accept help so that your neurotypical children can stick to their typical routines as much as possible. Also, do not coddle the Aspergers child any more than is necessary. He will need to learn how to hold his own in life, and dealing with siblings is a normal part of gaining this independence.

7. Keep the lines of communication open. Pay attention to siblings' needs and emotions. Encourage them to talk about their feelings — the good, the bad, and the guilt-inducing — and try to read between the lines of their actions. This can be difficult when you're exhausted and stressed due to caring your Aspergers child, but a little attention and conversation can let your neurotypical children know that they're important and their needs matter.

8. Look forward – not back. If you find yourself feeling guilty for not being a perfect parent to your neurotypical kids, don't beat yourself up — dwelling on the past is not productive. Instead, try to make a point of recognizing your children' feelings and needs now, and move on from there.

9. Say yes to help. Accepting help with transportation, meals, childcare, and other daily activities can take some pressure off of you so that you have the emotional reserves to be there for your family. You'll also be teaching your children a valuable lesson about accepting generosity from others.

10. Understand that Aspergers is an "invisible" disability. Siblings may be embarrassed in front of their peers when, for example, their brother (who looks no different than any other child) can't stop clenching and unclenching his fists.

Can you treat the child with Aspergers the same way you treat his siblings? Unfortunately, you can’t. The Aspie will probably need a lot more support than his siblings do. But at the same time, there are many things you can try to limit the amount of jealousy that the siblings will feel because of this inequality.

My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers Children
By

Sibling Relationship Issues: Message to Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

"Any tips for helping my two older children (not autistic) to have a little more compassion for their younger brother who does have autism? I try to help everyone get along, but it is wearing me out. Playing peace-maker is definitely my toughest job at present. Help!"

Parenting in general can be overwhelming. Add autism (ASD Level 1) to the equation, and the job just got tougher!

Taking care of a youngster on the autism spectrum can take up the vast majority of the parent's time and energy. From learning everything you can about the condition and what it entails ...to various doctor and specialist appointments ...to seeing about special accommodations both at home and at school, the list of things that must be done can seem endless. Fitting time and effort into more than cursory attention to your neurotypical (i.e., non-autistic) kids who are also under your care can easily fall by the wayside without you realizing it.

Sibling relationships can be challenging when one child has ASD. Siblings often do not understand this disorder and the challenges that it creates. Also, the child with the disorder may take attention away from the other children, and may even embarrass them because of his or her inappropriate behavior. The family as a whole will face challenges beyond those of the typical family.

Siblings of a child with ASD may:
  • Be overly helpful to get attention
  • Feel alone or jealous
  • Feel angry towards their sibling
  • Feel embarrassed or bitter when they have to include their sibling in social situations
  • Feel guilty for not having the disorder
  • Feel resentful for having to care for their sibling

Sometimes the jealousy and resentment comes not so much from the extra time or attention their "special needs" sibling gets, but from a lack of understanding about why he gets that extra time or attention. Siblings might understand that their autistic brother or sister has a developmental disorder, but not understand the full effects of what that means. So, have them help you care for their sibling.

Maybe your neurotypical children can help with homework, or accompany you to a doctor visit or therapist appointment to see what really happens there. You certainly don't want to make any of this their full time responsibility, but by doing it once or twice, it can help open their eyes up to just why it is that you have to devote the extra time or attention to their autistic sibling. It can also make them more compassionate to autistic kids in general.

Being organized is essential. Keep track of your efforts. One of the best things any mother or father can do to is to schedule not only doctor and other appointments, but also certain events such as playtime. Be sure to set aside time for each child individually, at least once a week if not more, along with other family time. This does not mean you can’t be spontaneous, but it does allow breaks in your busy pace to occur more often if you purposely pen them in between all the other appointments.

Don't be afraid to talk about the disorder and the effects it is having on your family. Siblings need to understand this disorder to the extent that they can, based on their developmental stages.

Sibling rivalry can be a healthy sign, as it is common in all families and indicates that the youngster with ASD is being treated as any other sibling would. However, recognizing that this child can present some very real and challenging behaviors, it is important to prevent aggressive behaviors.

 A social story for neurotypical siblings:





* More information on this issue can be found here: Helping Non-Autistic Children Cope with Their ASD Sibling


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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 Here's what other parents have had to say:

•    Anonymous said... Finding balance is a difficult thing. I know that my 10 year old feels I give his younger brother (9 year old with ASD) much more of my time and its probably true. It's a tough situation to always be in. I've talked to my oldest about the challenges our youngest deals with and he'll give his brother a break for a liitle while, but before you know it...he's right back to pushing his brother's buttons.  So wish I could have a day of peace.

•    Anonymous said... That is a tough job and it will wear you down real fast and in a hurry. My family has gotten a lot of help from ICM's and other therapists and still at times I want to pull my hair out but I do my best to be patient. It's hard being the only peace maker in the home and it's even harder when others do not want to understand. That's the case in my home anyway. Sometimes there's just not enough caring to go around. My oldest son has Aspergers and he's 14 and slowly I have learned to live with certain things and deal with things when it comes to him but when it comes to others in my home I almost have no tolerance for their actions and behaviors towards my oldest son. Sometimes I feel he is picked on just to get a rise out of him and if it wasn't for the help we get I would have already went crazy. I count on resources a lot and I am always looking for more ways to help my son and help my family.

•    Anonymous said... I'm having the same issue with my 15 year old daughter and 8 year old son who has Aspergers. He isn't on any meds yet due to his father...going to meet with the dr Saturday and Dr will emphasise the importance of it.

•    Anonymous said... My older daughter doesn't have asperger's but my son does and it has caused a lot of jealousy. I have had to explain to her that he get more time with certian things because that helps him be equal to her. She should be glad that she doesn't have those same problems to overcome and should be happy for that. No one expects her to answer for him.

•    Missy said... Mine is the other way around--DD15 has Asperger's, while DD11 is neurotypical. DD11 struggles at times to understand why her sister is treated differently than she is. DD11 has had to grow up in a hurry, having to help take care of her older sister at times.

•    Unknown said...I'm having a tough time. My 20 yr old son has just been diagnosed with aspergers. His 17 yr old brother is increasing intolerant and has a sharp tongue sometimes making derogatory comments which result in fights. Any advice please I'm desperate .

Post your comment below…
By

Sibling Aggression in Children with High-Functioning Autism

Question

My son is an 8 yr old fraternal twin. He was diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder in the summer of 2018 and was diagnosed with autism (high functioning) in the summer of 2019. He is the oldest of 5 boys ranging from 8 to 14 months. My question is: How do I keep him from physically attacking the baby when he gets frustrated? This has only been happening physically since September of last year, but verbally has always said he hates the baby, wants the baby to die, etc. since he was born. I know it has to do with him feeling he's not getting the attention he wants, but with 5 kids, the youngest being of an age that is very demanding, I don't always get to focus on the 8-yrear-old as much as he would like.

Answer

Parents of a large family (i.e., 3 or more children) have to deal with personality clashes, attention tactics, and multiple mini-battles, and eventually come to realize that sibling rivalry is one of the inevitable annoyances of having kids. Moms and dads must learn that the degree of sibling rivalry, and whether or not it has long-term positive or negative consequences, depends on what they do about it. 

Here are several ways that you can help your older child be friends with the younger ones:

1. If possible, start most days with "special time" with your oldest child. Often times, starting the day with 15 minutes of “special time” can ward off angry feelings in the child toward the new baby – and it is a good investment for the rest of the day.

2. When your older child says things like, “I hate the baby!” …always come back with the comment, “The baby loves you – and he looks up to you because you’re his BIG brother” (emphasis on “big”).

3. Promoting sibling harmony requires a bit of parental marketing. You may think that your older youngster should be thrilled to have gained a live-in friend, but kids are often preoccupied with what they've lost. They're not so keen on sharing their toys, their room, and most importantly, their mom and dad with someone else. Turn this around to help the normally egocentric youngster to imagine, "what's in it for me?" Use the term "special time" (you'll get a lot of marketing mileage out of the word "special"). The attention your older youngster apparently has lost from mom, he gains from dad. Arrange a lot of one-on-one outings for your older youngster (e.g., time at the park), so the youngster realizes that even though he's lost some time with mom, he's gets more special time with dad, grandparents, or other caregivers.
 

4. What bothers your older child the most is sharing you with the new baby. Since the concept of sharing is foreign to the child (as mom is his most important "possession"), it's unlikely that you'll be able to sell him on the concept of “sharing mother.” It sounds good to say that you'll give your older youngster equal amounts of your time, but in practice that's sometimes unrealistic. New babies require a lot of maintenance, and you don't have 200 percent of yourself to give. So what can you do? Wear your infant in a baby sling, which will give you two free hands to play a game with the older one. While feeding baby, you can read a book to the older sibling. Spending a lot of time sitting on the floor increases your availability to your child while your baby is in-arms or at-breast. As baby gets older, place him in an infant seat, or on a blanket on the floor to watch you play one-on-one with his big brother. This entertains two children with one parent.

5. While kids are created equally, it's impossible to treat them that way all the time. In their desire to prevent sibling squabbles, moms and dads strive to do everything the same way for all their kids, whether it's buying pajamas or selecting a college. Kids aren't the same; you don't need to behave as if they are. Make moment-by-moment decisions, and don't worry about the long-term consequences if you give one youngster more strokes than the other on any particular day.

6. In the future, as much as you can, try to divide chores equally among kids according to their ages and capabilities, yet don't beat yourself up trying to be 100 percent fair. You can't be. Remember, you are preparing your kids for life, and life does not treat people fairly and equally.

7. It's unrealistic for moms and dads to claim they never play favorites. Some parents and some kids have personalities that clash – others mesh. Some kids bring out the best in their parents – others push the wrong buttons. The key is to not let your kids perceive this as favoritism. Better yet, make them all feel special. If your youngster asks you a question, "Who do you love more – me or Johnny?" …give the politically correct answer: "I love you both in special ways."

8. Children are so caught up in their own emotions that they don't hear what you're saying. Show that you understand what your oldest child is going through by echoing his feelings (e.g., "Bobby, you feel like Jimmy is getting too much attention and that I love him more than you. But that’s not true. I love all my children equally.”).

9. Just for future reference (in case you have another child), get your older youngster acquainted with the new baby before birth. Show him pictures of a baby growing in mommy's belly. Let him pat the baby beneath the bulge, talk to baby, and feel baby kick. Replay the older youngster's babyhood. Sit down with your youngster and page through his baby photo album. Show him what he looked like right after birth, coming home from the hospital, nursing, and having his diaper changed. By replaying the older youngster's baby events, he will be prepared for a replay of his new brother or sister.
 

10. Make the older sibling feel important. Savvy visitors to your home (who themselves have survived sibling rivalry) may bring along a gift for the older youngster when visiting the new baby. In case this doesn't happen, keep a few small gifts in reserve for the older child when friends lavish presents and attention on the new baby. Let him be the one to unwrap the baby gifts and test the rattles. Give him a job in the family organization.

11. As the children grow up, minimize comparisons. This is also the basis for feelings of inferiority, which encourages undesirable behavior among siblings. Praise your older youngster for accomplishments in relation to himself and not in comparison to a sibling. Each youngster can feel he is special in the eyes of his parents. Kids are constantly being compared. Most of their life they will be rated on their performance (e.g., grades in school, batting order on the baseball team, races, games among themselves, etc.). The home is the only organization left that values a youngster for himself and not in comparison with others. So, avoid comments like, "Why can't you behave like your brother?"

12. “Disciplining” siblings is not “punishment,” rather it is giving them the tools to succeed in life, and one of the most important tools that will have life-long social implications is the quality of empathy. Help your kids learn how to get behind the eyes of another person and think first how their behavior is going to affect that other person. You want your kids to think through what they're about to do. A lack of empathy is the hallmark of sociopathic relationships between adult siblings.

13. It's hard to hate - and hit - a person you care about and who cares about you. Siblings are not born adversaries, certainly not unless moms and dads permit it. You can nurture patterns of life-long friendship among your kids by helping them find constructive ways to be sensitive to each other. Learning to live with a sibling is a youngster's first lesson in getting along with other kids. Your job is not to control how siblings relate, but rather to shape these relationships.

14. When to step in as a referee and when to remain a bystander is a round-by-round judgment call. Sometimes “letting kids be kids” or giving them reminders is all that is necessary. One parent’s immediate fight-stopper was, "You're disturbing my peace." This worked because she had already planted the idea that, in crowds, one respects the peace of others.

15. Sometimes you're too tired to play amateur psychologist and you just want to switch into “police mode.” Do it and don't worry about permanently damaging your youngster's psyche. Give clear messages about how you expect your children to behave toward one another before arguments become a way of life. Offer calm verbal reminders (e.g., "that's a put-down") as one sibling belittles the other, or issue a look that says "don't even think about it!" Head off fights at the first squabble, before they get out of hand.

16. Be watchful for aggressor-victim roles. Your job is to protect your kids, even from one another. How siblings behave toward one another is their first social lesson in how to behave in a group. In your family, set certain "maximum allowable limits," which are behaviors that you insist upon – and the kids are taught to respect these. 
 

17. When one of the younger siblings gets hurt, ask the older one to help attend to the injury. Even give him a job title (e.g., "Dr. Billy, you hold Michael’s leg while I wrap it" …or "Please be my assistant and help me put the bandage on Johnny's cut"). The "doctor" will most likely muster up compassion for the "patient."

18. If your older child is a born clown, capitalize on that asset and encourage the clown to entertain the baby, such as the older youngster humoring the baby while you get ready for work.

19. When the kids get a little older (which will happen sooner than you think), encourage your oldest youngster to teach a skill he is proficient in to his siblings (e.g., get your older son, who may be an avid baseball player, to show his younger brother how to hit and catch a ball).

20. Since your kids are several years apart, give the older youngster some supervised responsibility for the younger ones. This will motivate the older brother to care, and the younger sibling will sense this.

21. Sometime during middle childhood (ages 5 through 10), impress upon your kids what "brother" really means. Kids sense that "blood is thicker than water." Brothers are a sort of live-in support system. Here's the message to give your kids: "Your brothers will ultimately be your best friends. Once your other friends have moved or drifted away, your family friends will always be there when you need them. Friends come and go, but siblings are forever."

22. Try sleeping together occasionally. Kids who sleep together at night usually play more peacefully together during the day.

By

Sibling Issues: Tips for Parents Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorder

"Any tips for a mom who has to constantly explain to the children who DON'T have autism (high functioning) how to get along with their brother who DOES?  Help!"

In most cases, ASD [High-Functioning Autism] is a condition in families where both parents and siblings must learn to adapt and understand the condition at the level they are able. 

While moms and dads are learning to cope themselves, it is often difficult to see that there are other children involved—children who may be suffering themselves from the confusion of understanding the nature of the disorder in their family.

As a parent, it’s important to understand that kids learn things at different rates and in different ways than adults. They have questions about how to understand the behavior of their sibling that need as much attention as the ASD child needs. As the family grows, more questions will arise, and all of the children in the family need to learn the best ways to adapt to the behaviors of the child on the autism spectrum.

How ASD gets explained to siblings depends upon the age of the sibling and on the particular problems the affected child is having. For some kids, they just need to know that their brother or sister has a brain condition that leads him/her to resist change or to become fixated on certain things. Other children have the maturity to understand the nuances of how difficult it is for the "special needs" child to understand the emotions of others and to communicate non-verbally with others.





Some siblings can act-out angrily as "the child who isn’t getting the family’s attention." Others find themselves being their “brother’s keeper,” fending-off comments and teasing from other kids who see their ASD brother or sister as a freak. A sort of unnecessary maturity is forced on the sibling to be the protector or go-between when it comes to other children and their autistic sibling.

As a mother or father, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open in discussing the problems that may come up or the ways everyone can cope with the disorder in the family. Family therapy helps in some cases and should be an option for all families dealing with sibling issues related to ASD.




COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I DESPERATELY NEED HELP in this area too!
•    Anonymous said... i know its repetitive but just keep telling them no matteer how many tyms. it will eventually sink in. the non aspies get frustrated also.
•    Anonymous said... I say to my 'other' son that we have to practice patience. But my aspie son does not have too many different rules, he is treated the same as the others. He must learn the rules or not play. He receives the same punishments. The difference is upfront consequences, they need the outcome to logically understand why.
•    Anonymous said... my 12 year old son adores his 4 year old non-aspie sister..... she gets a little frustrated when he hugs her too hard....but that the worst of it....lol....so far.•    Anonymous said… I eventually got tough with the older... I said, you brother learns differently...
•    Anonymous said… I highly recommend sending the other kids to a Sibshop. It has helped my daughter a lot, and she is more confortable talking about her feeling regarding her brother. There are a bunch of good kid books on Amazon to help kids understand.
•    Anonymous said… Is simply told my other son that the one has autism. Try getting that Holly Robinson Peete book, it explains it well to other siblings.
•    Anonymous said… My aspie has two younger twin sisters. It took several attempts but after breaking it down to them and explaining to them that their brother processes information differently and went into detail ( on their age level) about what that meant. They have finally begin to understand what that means and have started getting along better. I guess it all boils down to education about Aspergers.
•    Anonymous said… My middle child has AS and has an older and younger sister, the younger gets on fine with him but i found with the older (and with him as well) that it really helped sitting down with her and saying J has AS that means x y and z...which meant next time he did something she could say does he do this because he has AS? LIke wearing a jumper all day today when its been 30 degrees C.....
•    Anonymous said… My older two care less about the AS diagnosis. ..they think their brother should be like them period ..it is really hard to explain to a 19 and 17 year old about something they don't believe in...they feel like I am being unfair.

 Please post your comment below...

By

High-Functioning Autism and Sibling Issues

"Any tips for helping my 'typical' kids to understand their older brother (high functioning autistic)?"

Almost more than spouses, brothers and sisters are thrown together for better or for worse. When a sibling has an autism spectrum disorder, it can complicate that relationship because one youngster lacks social skills and another just can’t figure out “why my brother acts that way.”

Tips for Parents—

1. Don’t accept bad behavior from your HFA youngster, and don’t expect perfection from your other kids. That can lead to resentment and acting-out.

2. Fully educate yourself about your HFA youngster, and then inform his siblings on an age-appropriate basis. Know that kids on the autism spectrum find it very difficult to pick up on social cues and often have intense, narrow interests. Even a young sibling can understand that, “Jacob gets upset when we stop talking about trains, but we’re working on ways to make that better.”

3. Realize just as you may mourn the loss of a more mainstream youngster, his siblings may also be sad they don’t have the kind of sibling relationship that other siblings enjoy. Let them talk about those feelings.

4. Seek support groups. Mom and dads in those organizations likely have other kids, too, and they can be a valuable resource for the siblings of your HFA youngster.

5. Set aside quality time alone with each youngster. This may sound difficult, but one way to accomplish that is to take one youngster at a time on an errand or personal appointment when you can. You’ll have valuable “car time” with the youngster in tow.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism

6. Understand that HFA is an “invisible” disorder. Siblings may be embarrassed in front of their friends or at the mall when their brother (who looks no different than any other kid) can’t stop his weird mannerisms (e.g., clenching and un-clenching his fists).

Warnings—
  • All siblings fight.
  • Never compare your HFA child to his siblings. It will create feelings of unworthiness about himself and anger toward the siblings.
  • Your "special needs" youngster will learn crucial social skills in interactions with siblings. Seize upon teaching moments.

Letter from a parent regarding siblings of HFA children:

It has been two years since my oldest son was diagnosed with high functioning autism, and while we have all come a long way since that day, it has become obvious to us that our younger son (there is only a year between the two) has had to go down a much longer road to get to the point where he can understand his brother.

When we first discussed the difficulties our older child faced, our younger son didn't want to hear them. He didn't want to know that there was something different about his brother. He cried for many nights after, grieving the loss of his idea of what an older brother should be like. He became so depressed and upset over the diagnosis that I took him to see the psychiatrist who had diagnosed my older son. She reassured him that all his feelings were normal, it was okay to feel stressed by this development and suggested ways in which he could deal with his feelings.

After the grieving stage came the anger. This was a very difficult stage for us to deal with. He wouldn't even look at his brother except to glare at him from time to time. He wouldn't speak to his brother unless he had to, and when he did, he spoke in a really rude tone of voice. There were many times when we had to step in and "have a talk" with him about his attitude. Finally, when we pointed out that his behavior wasn't helping the situation at home and that we needed him to be more accepting of his brother, he settled down.

His first steps into trying to understand autism came in the form of questions. He would ask why his brother behaved a certain way, or did a certain thing and we would answer as best as we could. Then he started to make statements like "My brother does that because he hates change". As situations arose, we explained them to our son and he developed an understanding of the disorder. When the kids at school asked him why his older brother was a "freak", he wouldn't say a word. At the end of the day he would tell us these stories and we would make suggestions about how to deal with these situations. While this issue of the other kids calling his brother names still makes him very uncomfortable, he no longer responds by taking out his anger on the family.

Over the past year we have made a point of teaching our younger son about the communication difficulties his brother has. With the literal interpretation of words being the cause of many disagreements between them, my younger son can often stop an escalating fight by using humor or word play to diffuse the situation. Two years ago this would have been impossible.

Don't misunderstand me, it has not been easy to explain the intricacies of autism to a 10 year old sibling but I am glad now that we did. The boys get along much better than they have for several years and the younger one is providing much needed support and understanding for the older one.
==> Click here for more information on sibling issues and the autistic child...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... My 12 year old son has a very hard time dealing with and understanding his 9 year old sister who has autism. He too feels embarrassed by her. He avoids being around her if he can. This article was helpful. It is hard for me because she could learn so much from him, but he is not willing to give her the time.
•    Anonymous said... Holly Robinson Peete has two children, one on the spectrum. Her other child wrote a book about it. I have not personally read it, but have heard good things about it from others who have.
•    Anonymous said... Really great article with very interesting information. You might want to follow up to this topic!?! 2011
•    Anonymous said… Thank you for this post. I have an almost 13 yr old aspie and an almost 11 year old son with bipolar. I never know how much to tell one boy about the other thank you for this post. I have an almost 13 yr old aspie and an almost 11 year old son with bipolar. I never know how much to tell one boy about the other.
 
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How can I help my daughter understand her Aspergers brother?

Question

How can I help my daughter understand her brother with Aspergers?

Answer

Kids without Aspergers can have a difficult time understanding their Aspergers siblings. The Aspie seems smart, uses big words that are hard to comprehend, avoids hanging out with the family, and focuses all of his being on his special interest. In many ways, he is a stranger. He does not appear to be disabled; he just seems quirky and embarrassing. Children may need family pep talks and counseling to help them understand and cope with their Aspergers sibling’s condition.

Here some ideas to help your children understand their Aspie sibling:

• Allow your non-Aspergers kids to help your Aspie with his therapy. Nearly all therapies can be worked on at home for greater progress. Enlist the entire family and multiply your Aspie’s social interaction and progress on therapy goals.

• Aspergers support groups offer non-Aspergers siblings a chance to build friendships with other children living with a sibling with Aspergers.

• Celebrate your Aspie’s strengths. He is an intelligent individual with many strengths. Recognize these strengths as a family.

• Explain the condition to your kids without Aspergers. Give each youngster an opportunity to ask questions and make suggestions suitable for your family dynamics. Describe Aspergers as an obstacle to be tackled by the entire family. This will increase understanding and unity.

• Family counseling and individual counseling can help your “normal” kids learn to cope with the differences caused by Aspergers.

• Talk about your Aspie’s embarrassing characteristics and how your family can make things better. No youngster wants to be embarrassed by a sibling in front of his friends. Give your non-Aspergers kids the information they need so they know that your Aspie’s behavior is not personal and is not just bad behavior. Encourage them to dismiss this embarrassing behavior in the presence of friends while explaining his condition.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide
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How to teach a younger sibling not to pick up unwanted behaviours:

"I would like some tips on how to teach a younger sibling (age 3, not in school yet due to rural location) not to pick up unwanted behaviours from his Aspie brother."

You might be concerned that your 3-year-old will pick up unwanted behaviours because he might have Asperger’s Syndrome, also. Asperger’s does, indeed, have a genetic component.

New research in the area of Asperger’s has shown that toddler siblings of autistic children are more likely to exhibit the same atypical behaviours as their brothers and sisters with autism, even when they don’t eventually develop the disorder. Andy Shih, PhD, of the Baby Sibling Research Consortium, states that this increases the importance of careful monitoring of high-risk siblings of children with autism (or Asperger’s) for any signs of a disorder. If one should occur, you are well-situated for early intervention. If atypical behaviours occur, but there is no Asperger’s, you will feel relief at knowing that your second child does not have it.

If you have a child with Asperger’s, the odds are 50 to 100 times greater that your second child will be diagnosed with Asperger’s. At the age of three, it might be difficult to tell if the child has Asperger’s. Ask yourself the following:
  • Does your younger son have age-appropriate communication skills?
  • Does he follow his brother’s exact behaviours?
  • Is he overreacting to sensory stimuli (e.g., actions, lights, sounds)? 
  • Does he cover his eyes or ears to avoid sensory stimuli?

If you answered “No” to these questions, your son is probably just imitating his older brother, and that is very common with siblings. He might see his older brother as a role model, or he sees his brother getting a lot of attention for these behaviours, and he is imitating him to get some of the attention.

If you answered “Yes” to the above questions, consider having a professional, such as an Intervention Specialist or special education teacher, observe your three-year- old when he interacts with his brother, and when he is alone. You might be thinking of waiting to see if your son outgrows these behaviours; however, if he does have Asperger’s Syndrome, you should begin early intervention. Make sure that the professional you consult is experienced in assessing autism spectrum disorders, and that his experience specifically includes Asperger’s Syndrome.

Your awareness of the sibling relationship, along with the help of a professional, and the book mentioned above will give you information and assistance to help with your three-year-old, if he, too, is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Stay in touch with the professional involved and re-read the book so that you can provide a comprehensive level of care for both your children.

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Raising a Child on the Autism Spectrum: The Impact on the Family

A diagnosis of Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning (HFA) not only changes the life of the youngster diagnosed, but also that of parents and siblings. Many moms and dads of an AS or HFA youngster must deal with a significant amount of stress related to expensive therapies and treatments, therapy schedules, home treatments, managing job responsibilities, and juggling family commitments.

While some children on the spectrum and their families cope well with the additional challenges that autism brings, for many others, the impact can be overwhelming.  Children with AS and HFA face many issues (e.g., the persistent challenge of trying to “fit-in” with their peer group, frustration at not being able to express how they feel, daily anxiety because they can’t make sense of what is happening around them, etc.). As a result, these kids often develop stress-reducing behaviors that can make them appear odd and/or defiant. Some moms and dads even avoid taking their “special needs” youngster out to public places rather than face the reactions from those who don’t understand the disorder. This may cause not only the autistic youngster, but the entire family to become housebound.



Other stressors that often impact family life in various adverse ways include the following:

Financial Impact—

Parents of AS and HFA kids may face a significant financial burden. Autism-related expenses for treatment and therapies are very costly and may not be covered by some private health insurers. The copays moms and dads incur for office visits and medications may lead to financial debt. According to research, parents with an autistic youngster undergo an average loss of 14% in their entire family income. Working full-time becomes difficult for both the mother and father. So, they have to endure the increased expenses in spite of having a lowered household income. Full-time employment is crucial for providing health insurance. Thus, losing a full-time job often severely affects the family’s financial status.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Sibling Impact—

A youngster with AS or HFA also affects his “neurotypical” (i.e., non-autistic) brothers and sisters. The siblings experience many of the same stressors faced by their parents. In addition, moms and dads may not be able to offer them full parental-support, because they are engulfed in meeting the needs of the “special needs” youngster. These families often experience a more intense form of sibling rivalry than is seen in “typical” families. Then there is the challenge of trying to reduce the jealousy and resentment that results when so much attention is focused on one youngster, as well as the frequent limitations on doing common family activities.

Brothers and sisters of an AS or HFA child may suffer from being in a stressful environment, are often unable to socialize because of the difficulties at home, and may be unable to go out as a family. Some siblings become care-takers for their “special needs” sibling in an effort to help their mom and dad.

Parents and professionals alike often lose sight of the need to help siblings understand the disorder. These siblings need an opportunity to voice their questions, concerns, and emotions. An important issue is helping them identify their negative feelings as “normal” and reduce the guilt that often complicates their behavior toward their sibling. Learning that they are not alone in their situations and in their feelings is vital to a healthy attitude and the ability to cope. Thus, support groups for siblings of autistic kids can be very helpful.

Marital Impact—

A study in the Journal of Family Psychology states that moms and dads of kids on the autism spectrum had a 9.7% greater chance of getting divorced than other married couples. Marital stressors often include: financial stress, trying to find appropriate childcare, accepting their youngster’s diagnosis at different times and in different ways (which causes conflict), and not having time to spend together due to numerous commitments and inconsistent schedules.

Kids with “special needs” can drain enormous amounts of time, energy, and money. Marital problems are reported to be present to a greater degree because of the lack of time for nurturing the marriage – plus the frequent problem of moms and dads disagreeing on what needs to be done for the youngster.

Another source of marital stress is that often one parent is more effective in managing the difficult behaviors of the AS or HFA child. The reduced couple’s “quality time” together is especially problematic, because there is more that needs to be discussed and dealt with (e.g., feelings of grief and disappointment) that may never get processed. The ability to enjoy the positive features of the “special needs” youngster and to grasp what all family members gain from having to address the autism-related challenges can only take place after having grieved the loss of what parents and siblings had expected from that youngster at birth.

The first step to sorting out the difficulties arising in the marriage is understanding the way autism affects it. Family counseling can help moms and dads deal with communication and marital problems. Parents should also consider joining support groups where they can meet other moms and dads with autistic kids. Also, they must take care of themselves too, besides caring for their “special needs” youngster.




Emotional Impact—

Autism brings with it a lot of emotional ups and downs for the all family members, which start prior to the diagnosis and continue indefinitely. A study in the journal “Pediatrics” states that moms of kids on the spectrum often rated their status of mental health as fair or poor. Compared with the general population, their stress level was much higher. Besides having higher stress levels, moms of AS and HFA kids may experience:
  • Anger at themselves, spouse, or doctors
  • Despair because of the disorder’s incurable nature
  • Embarrassment over their youngster’s behavior in public
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Feeling socially isolated
  • Frustration at the difference between the parenting experience they are having and the one they had envisioned
  • Guilt from thinking that they may be responsible for their youngster’s disorder
  • Resentment toward their youngster – yet guilt due to the resentment

Moms and dads can become isolated, depressed, and emotionally and physically exhausted from looking after their AS or HFA youngster – and fighting for support. They may feel judged by society, guilty that their youngster is missing out on friendships due to social skills deficits, and frustrated at not knowing how best to help their child.  In some families, at least one parent can’t work due to care-taking responsibilities, which puts a financial burden on the family.  Often, AS and HFA children have disturbed sleep patterns, so they need constant supervision, which is physically exhausting.  As the child grows up, he may become too strong to handle if he throws a temper tantrum.  Some moms and dads believe that they will be the primary care-taker for life, and they are often worried about what will happen to their “special needs” youngster when they die.

The AS or HFA youngster may miss out on valuable social, educational, leisure and life experiences that others his age take for granted. As a result, the child’s confidence and self-esteem deteriorates, which may lead to depression and other mental health problems. Teens on the autism spectrum are especially vulnerable, often being bullied by their classmates or excluded from their peer group. For older teens, the transition into adulthood is just as bleak, because many do not have the social and communication skills needed to live independently or get a job. Many times, these teens simply stay at home or walk the streets through most of their adult lives, and a few tragically break the law and commit crimes often related to their lack of social understanding.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

On a Positive Note—

Here’s the good news: Children on the autism spectrum have many more strengths than weaknesses. Parenting these children has many positives that outweigh the negatives. So, if you're troubled from hearing about all the "deficits" challenging children with AS and HFA – join the club! But for every downside, there is an upside. These positives are worth celebrating. Here a just a few examples:

They Are Less Materialistic— Of course, this is not universally true, but in general, children with AS and HFA are far less concerned with outward appearance than their “typical” peers. As a result, they worry less about brand names, hairstyles and other expensive, but unimportant, externals than most children and teens do.

They Are Not Tied to Social Expectations— If you've ever bought a car, played a game or joined a club to fit in, you know how hard it is to be true to yourself. But for children with AS and HFA, social expectations can be honestly irrelevant. What really matters to them is true liking, interest and passion -- not keeping up with the current trends and fads.

They are Passionate— Of course, not all AS and HFA children are alike. But many are truly passionate about the things, ideas and special interests in their lives. How many "typical" children can say the same?

They Have Terrific Memories— How often do typical children forget directions, or fail to take note of colors, names, and other details? Children with AS and HFA are often much more tuned in to details. They may have a much better memory than their typical peers for all kind of critical details.

They Live in the Moment— How often do typical children fail to notice what's in front of their eyes because they're distracted by social cues or random chitchat? Children with AS and HFA truly attend to the sensory input that surrounds them. Many have achieved the ideal of mindfulness.

They Play Fewer Head Games— Most AS and HFA children don't play games -- and they assume that you won't either. It's a refreshing and wonderful change from the typical B.S. that tarnishes too many typical relationships!

They Rarely Judge Others— Who's in better shape? Richer? Smarter? For children with AS and HFA, these distinctions hold much less importance than for typical kids. In fact, they often see through such surface appearances to discover the real person.

They Rarely Lie— We all claim to value the truth, but almost all of us tell little white lies …all, that is, except children with AS and HFA. To them, truth is truth -- and a good word from a child on the spectrum is usually the real deal.

As one 12-year-old boy on the spectrum stated, “I'm glad that some people recognize the strengths of Asperger's syndrome. People shouldn't look at us as just weird. They should know our positive traits too.”


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
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Disciplinary Tips for Difficult Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Disciplining kids displaying difficult behavior associated with ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) will often require an approach that is somewhat different as compared to “typical” kids. Finding the balance between (a) understanding the needs of a youngster on the autism spectrum and (b) discipline that is age appropriate and situationally necessary is achievable when a few effective strategies are applied. These strategies can be implemented both at home and school.

Traditional discipline may fail to produce the desired results for kids with HFA, primarily because these children are often unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures may worsen the type of behavior that they are intended to reduce, while at the same time, creating anxiety in both the youngster and parent.

Behavioral Diary—

Parents and teachers should consider maintaining a diary of the youngster's behavior with the goal of discovering patterns or triggers. Recurring behavior may be indicative of the youngster taking some satisfaction in receiving a desired response from parents, teachers, and even classmates. For instance, the HFA youngster may come to understand that hurting one of his peers will result in his being removed from class. 
 
In this case, punishing the youngster for the behavior, or attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of the injured peer, may not provide a solution. Instead, it would be best to address the root cause behind the motivation for the misbehavior. A good question to find the answer to may be, “How can my student be made more comfortable in class so that he will not want to leave it?”

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Positive versus Negative Discipline—

One of the ways to address problematic behaviors in autistic kids is to focus on the positive. Praise for good behavior, along with positive reinforcement (e.g., a Reward Book), often helps. Given the autistic youngster’s tendency toward low-frustration tolerance, a verbal cue delivered in a calm manner will elicit a more favorable response than a harsher one. Also, when giving instruction to stop a particular form of misbehavior, it should be expressed as a positive rather than a negative (e.g., rather than telling the youngster to stop hitting his sister with the ruler, the youngster should be directed to put the ruler down – in this way, he is being instructed to DO something positive rather than STOP something negative).


Obsessive or Fixated Behavior—

Almost all kids go through periods of development where they become engrossed in one subject matter or another. But, kids with HFA often display obsessive and repetitive characteristics, which can have significant implications for behavior. For instance, if the youngster becomes fixated on reading a particular story each night, she may become distraught if this routine is disrupted, or if the story is interrupted.

As mentioned earlier, the use of a behavioral diary can help in identifying fixations. Once a fixation is identified, it is important to set appropriate boundaries. Providing a structure within which the child can explore the obsession can help keep the obsession within reasonable limits, without the associated anxiety that may otherwise arise through such restrictions (e.g., telling the youngster she can watch her favorite cartoon for 30 minutes after dinner, and making time for that in her daily routine).

It’s acceptable to use the obsession to motivate and reward the youngster for good behavior. However, make sure that any reward associated with positive behavior is granted immediately in order to help her recognize the connection between the two.

A particularly helpful technique to develop social reciprocity is to have the youngster talk for 5 minutes about her favorite subject – but after she has listened to the parent talk about an unrelated topic. This helps the youngster to understand that not everyone shares her enthusiasm for her “special interest.”

Sibling Issues—

For brothers and sisters who are not on the spectrum, the preferential treatment received by an HFA sibling can give rise to feelings of confusion, frustration, and resentment. Oftentimes, siblings will fail to understand why the “special needs” child apparently seems free to behave as he pleases without much in the way of punishment.

Parents set the tone for sibling interactions and attitudes by example and by direct communications. In any family, kids should be treated fairly and valued as individuals, praised as well as disciplined, and each youngster should have special times with parents. Thus, moms and dads should periodically assess the home situation. Although important goals for a youngster with “special needs” are to develop feelings of self-worth and self-trust, to become as independent as possible, to develop trust in others, and to develop to the fullest of his or her abilities, these goals are also important to the “neurotypical” (i.e., non-autistic) siblings.

To every extent possible, parents should require their HFA child to do as much as possible for himself. Moms and dads should provide every opportunity for a normal family life by doing things together (e.g., cleaning the house or yard, going on family outings, etc.). Also, the youngster with the disorder should be allowed to participate as much as possible in family chores, and should have specific chores assigned (as do the other kids).

Sleep Difficulties—

HFA kids are well-known for experiencing sleep problems. They may be more likely to become anxious about sleeping, or may find they become anxious when waking during the night or early in the morning.

Parents can reduce the youngster's anxiety by making her bedroom a place of safety and comfort (e.g., remove or store items that may be prone to injure the youngster if she decides to wander at night). Also, include in a behavioral diary a record of the youngster's sleep patterns. Keep a list of the child’s routine (e.g., dinner, bath, story, bed, etc.) in order to provide structure. Include an image or symbol of her waking in the morning to help her understand exactly what will happen. In addition, social stories have proven to be a particularly successful method in decreasing a youngster's anxiety by providing clear instructions on how part of her day is likely to unfold.

At School—

Another autistic trait is that the affected youngster will often experience difficulty during parts of the school day that lack structure. Difficulties with social interaction and self-management during “free time” can result in anxiety. The use of a “buddy system” and the creation of a timetable for recess and lunch times can help provide some structure.

Teachers should explain the concept of free time to the HFA youngster, or consider providing a separate purpose or goal for the youngster during such time (e.g., reading a book, helping to set up paint and brushes for the afternoon tasks, etc.).

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

In Public—

Kids with HFA can become overwhelmed to the point of meltdown by even a short exposure to certain public places (e.g., a noisy crowded store). Some parents simply avoid taking their youngster out to such places.

Consider providing the youngster with an iPod, or have the radio on in the car to block out stress-inducing sounds and stimuli. Prepare a social story or list describing the details of a trip (e.g., to the store or doctor). Be sure to include on the list your return home. Also, consider giving the youngster a task to complete during the trip, or having him assist you in some chore (e.g., carrying groceries).

Overprotective Parenting—

Some moms and dads of “special needs” children can become overprotective. They may make frequent excuses for their youngster’s behavior, or they may not discipline where most others agree it to be warranted. When this occurs – regardless of the youngster’s disorder – the balance of authority shifts. The youngster gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little or no discipline.

Parents who are overprotective, who do very little in the way of discipline, and who micromanage every aspect of their child’s life are teaching some very artificial life lessons that will significantly hinder their youngster in the real world. Knowing when, how, and how much to discipline the HFA youngster can be very challenging. Parents may be filled with worry for their youngster and her future. But, they still need to find balance in their role as a parent and disciplinarian. There is a fine line between being an effective parent and being perceived as coddling of the “special needs” youngster.

The youngster’s diagnosis is a label that describes just a small fraction of who that person is. He is many other things. His diagnosis does not exclusively define him. In valuing the youngster’s gifts and talents – along with understanding his diagnosis – parents must be cautious about going to extremes. Of course, they have every reason to be a strong advocate on behalf of their youngster and in protection of his rights. But, this does not exempt the child from being disciplined.

Even children with a “disorder” should be permitted to make long- and short-term mistakes (with support and guidance, however). This is a real challenge for parents who are naturally protective of their youngster. But, it is the only way she will be able to learn and prepare for greater independence in the future. Where possible, parents should look for small opportunities to deliberately allow their youngster to make mistakes for which they can set aside discipline-teaching time. It will be a learning process for both the child and parent. Disciplining the youngster should be a teaching and learning opportunity about making choices and decisions. But, when she makes mistakes, assure her that she is still loved and valued.

Praise and Rewards—

One of the best methods for correcting “bad” behavior is to focus on the child’s acceptable behavior and provide rewards so that he is encouraged to repeat the “good” behavior. To do that, parents must first establish some ground rules. The ground rules must state specifically what is considered acceptable behavior – and what is not. Parents should catch and reward their child when he is well-behaved and following the rules. A reward doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical or expensive reward. It can be genuine praise or a word of encouragement. Most importantly, the reward must be clear and specific. The youngster should be able to know exactly the behavior that earned the reward for (e.g., rather than saying "good job," say "thank you for cleaning up your room").

Inability to Generalize—

Most HFA kids are not able to generalize information. They are usually not able to apply what they learn in one learning context to another. For instance, the child may learn that hitting his friend at school is not acceptable, but he may not necessarily understand that he can’t hit his sister at home. Once the situation changes, it will be a totally a new learning experience for the child. Thus, parents must be consistent and provide many repetitions in disciplining him. A consistent environment and many repetitions will help the youngster to learn and remember the differences between right and wrong.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment—

Discipline is: 
  • "Time-outs" that are open-ended and governed by the child's readiness to gain self-control
  • Acknowledging or rewarding efforts and good behavior
  • Consistent, firm guidance
  • Directed at the child's behavior, never the child’s personality
  • Giving children positive alternatives
  • Listening and modeling
  • Logical consequences that are directly related to the misbehavior
  • Physically and verbally non-violent
  • Positive, respectful
  • Re-directing and selectively "ignoring" minor misbehavior
  • Reflection and verbal give-and-take communication
  • Teaching children to internalize self-discipline
  • Teaching empathy and healthy remorse by showing it
  • Understanding individual abilities, needs, circumstances and developmental stages
  • Using mistakes as learning opportunities
  • When children follow rules because they are discussed and agreed upon
  • When children must make restitution when their behavior negatively affects someone else

Punishment is: 
  • "Time-outs" that banish a child for a set amount of time governed by the parent
  • Being told only what NOT to do
  • Children are punished for hurting others, rather than shown how to make restitution
  • Consequences that are unrelated and illogical to the misbehavior
  • Constantly reprimanding children for minor infractions causing them to tune-out
  • Controlling, shaming
  • Criticizing the child, rather than the child's behavior
  • Forcing children to comply with illogical rules "just because you said so"
  • Inappropriate to the child’s developmental stage of life
  • Individual circumstances, abilities and needs not taken into consideration
  • Negative and disrespectful of the child
  • Physically and verbally violent or aggressive
  • Reacting to - rather than responding to - misbehavior
  • Sarcastic
  • Teaching children to be controlled by a source outside of themselves
  • Teaching children to behave only when they will get caught doing otherwise
  • When children follow rules because they are threatened or bribed

Discipline is guidance. When we guide children toward positive behavior and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Positive guidance encourages a child to think before he acts. It also promotes self-control. Punishment, on the other hand, is a type of parental-control behavior. Basically there are 3 kinds of punishment: (1) penalizing the child with consequences that do not fit the crime (e.g., "Because you told a lie, you can't have your allowance"); (2) physical (e.g., slapping, spanking, switching, paddling, using a belt or hair brush, etc.); and (3) with words (e.g., shaming, ridiculing, cussing, etc.).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Punishment is usually used because it vents the parent’s frustration, it's quick and easy, parents don't know other methods, and it asserts adult power. Punishment does not promote self-discipline. It only stops misbehavior for that moment. Punishment may fulfill a short-term goal, but it actually interferes with the accomplishment of the long-term goals of self-control. The outcomes for children who are punished include ideas such as: 
  • “It is okay to hit people who are smaller than you are.”
  • “It is right to hit those you are closest to.”
  • “Those who love you the most are also those who hit you.”
  • “Violence is okay when other things don't work.”

Conclusion—

From the moment parents hear the diagnosis, they know life will be more challenging for their “special needs” youngster than for her siblings. So, when they ask her to do something and it's not done, they may let it go. Or they may fear that what they like her to do, or not do, is impossible for her to achieve. But, if parents feel that their child doesn't deserve discipline, it's like telling her, "I don't believe you have what t takes." And if parents don't believe it, neither will the child.

Behavior management is not about punishing or demoralizing the youngster. Instead, it's a way to lovingly set boundaries and communicate expectations. Discipline is one of the most important ways that moms and dads can show their HFA child that they love and care about him.



==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
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