Showing posts sorted by relevance for query self esteem. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query self esteem. Sort by date Show all posts

Fostering Self-Acceptance in Teens on the Autism Spectrum

Most teenagers with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) experience frequent social failure and rejection by peers. Because social encounters are seldom reinforcing (rewarding), these young people often avoid social interaction.

Over time, they may develop negative attitudes about themselves and others. The poor self-esteem that may result makes it difficult to continue attempts at social interaction. As a result, the cycle continues. Therefore, social skills interventions are greatly needed – especially in the form of fostering self-acceptance.



Self-acceptance refers to a global affirmation of self. When an AS or HFA teen is self-accepting, he is able to embrace ALL facets of himself – not just the positive parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. The teen can recognize his weaknesses and limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with his ability to fully accept himself. Furthermore, behavior clearly reflects feelings of self-acceptance For example, a teenager with high self-acceptance will be able to:
  • tolerate frustration
  • take pride in her accomplishments
  • offer assistance to others
  • handle positive and negative emotions
  • attempt new tasks and challenges
  • assume responsibility
  • act independently
  • accept mistakes as a path to learning and growth

Conversely, a teen with low self-acceptance will:
  • put down her own talents and abilities
  • feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
  • feel unloved and unwanted
  • blame others for her own shortcomings
  • be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration
  • be easily influenced
  • avoid trying new things

Moms and dads – more than anyone else – can promote their AS or HFA teen’s self-acceptance. It isn’t a difficult thing to do. If fact, you probably do it without even realizing that your words and actions have great impact on how your teen feels about herself.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Here are 30 crucial strategies to use that will help your “special needs” teen develop self-acceptance:

1. As much as possible, let your teen settle his own disputes between siblings, friends, and classmates.

2. Be supportive during a conflict. If, for example, your AS or HFA teenager is in the middle of a conflict at school, listen to her side of the story without being judgmental (even if you think she is at fault).  For example, say something such as, “I can understand why you think you’re a better choice for class president, and I’m sorry that you feel you have to point out Courtney’s shortcomings rather than concentrate on what makes you the better candidate.” The conflict may seem trivial to you, but to your teen, it could be a major source of strife in her life.  By developing the habit of supporting your teenager through the good and the bad, you will be laying a strong foundation for open communication when bigger problems arise.  Knowing that she has a parent to lean on who loves and accepts her will help build your teen’s self-acceptance over time.

3. Encourage your teen to exercise! Being active and fit helps him feel good about himself. He will relieve stress, and be healthier, too!

4. Encourage your teen to try new things, and to give herself credit. Urge her to experiment with different activities to help her get in touch with her talents. Then tell her that she should take pride in her new skills. One Asperger’s teenager signed up for track and found out that he was pretty fast! The positive thoughts associated with this discovery became good opinions of himself, and added up to high self-acceptance.

5. Encourage your teenager to ask for what she wants assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that she will get it. Reinforce her for asking – and avoid anticipating her wants.

6. Encourage your teenager to behave toward himself the way he would like his friends to behave toward him.

7. Encourage your teenager to develop hobbies and interests which give her pleasure and which she can pursue independently.

8. Help your AS or HFA teenager develop “tease tolerance” by pointing out that some teasing can’t hurt. Help him learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk (e.g., “names can never hurt me” … “teasing has no power over me” … “if I can avoid reacting to this teasing, then I’m building emotional muscles”).

9. Help your teen learn to focus on her strengths by pointing out to her all the things she can do well.

10. Help your teen to aim for effort rather than perfection. Some AS and HFA teens – especially those with OCD – get held back by their own pressure to be perfect. They lose out because they don't try (“If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t want to do it at all”).

11. Help your teen to edit those thoughts that make him feel inferior (e.g., "That guy is so much better at basketball. I should just stop playing.”). Does your teen often compare himself with others and come up feeling less accomplished or less talented? Teach him to notice his negative, self-destructive thoughts.

12. Help your teen to focus on what goes well for her. Is she so used to focusing on her problems that they are all she can see? Say to her, “The next time you catch yourself dwelling on problems or complaints about yourself, find something positive to counter it.” Also, have your teen write down three good things about herself each day, or three things that went well that day because of her effort.

13. Help your teen to notice the critical things he says to himself. A harsh inner voice just tears you down. If your teen is in the habit of thinking self-critically, help him to re-train himself by re-wording negative, unkind thoughts into more helpful feedback.

14. Help your teen to recognize what she can change – and what she can't. If she realizes that she is unhappy with something about herself that she CAN change (e.g., getting to a healthy weight), help her to start today. If it's something she CANNOT change (e.g., her height), help her to work on accepting it. Obsessing about her "flaws" will skew her opinion of herself and lower her self-acceptance.

15. Help your teen to set goals. Ask him to think about what he would like to accomplish. Then help him make a plan for how to do it. Encourage him to stick with the plan and keep track of the progress. Urge your teen to train his inner voice to remind him of what he is accomplishing (e.g., I've been following my workout plan every day for 30 minutes. I feel good that I have kept my promise to myself. I know I can keep it up.").

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

16. Help your teen to view mistakes as learning opportunities. Teach her to accept that she will make mistakes. We all do. It’s part of learning. If, for example, your teen has the thought, "I always screw things up," remind her that she doesn’t ALWAYS make mistakes, just in this specific situation. What can she do differently next time?

17. Help your teenager to think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending on only one option for satisfaction. Whenever your teen thinks there is only one thing which can satisfy her, she limits her potential for being satisfied! The more you help your teenager realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase her potential for satisfaction.

18. Include your teen in everyday family decisions, and implement some of her suggestions. For example, what does she think about the new chairs you’re considering for the dining room table? AS and HFA teens love nothing better than to be treated like competent adults, and they’re usually flattered anytime that you invite them into the adult world.

19. Laugh with your teenager – and encourage her to laugh at herself. A young person who takes herself too seriously is undoubtedly decreasing her enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing self-acceptance and overall enjoyment.

20. Let your teen know that he creates – and is responsible for – any feeling he experiences. Similarly, he is not responsible for others’ feelings.

21. Let your teen know that you are still interested in what is going on in his life, even though he’s a “big boy” now. Teens like to be self-sufficient and want their parent to believe that they have everything under control. But that doesn’t mean that the parent doesn’t need to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. So, when the parent asks questions, he or she should try to formulate them so that they require more than a “yes” or “no” answer (e.g., instead of asking, “How is history class going?” … ask, “What are you currently studying in history?”).

22. Sometimes it’s necessary to constructively criticize your teen’s behavior and choices. However, when the criticism is directed to him as a person, it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. Therefore, learn to use “I statements” rather than “You statements” when giving criticism (e.g., “I would like you to keep your clothes in your closet – not lying all over the bedroom floor” … rather than saying, “Why are you such a slob? Can’t you get more organized?”).

23. Teach your teen the importance of helping others. For example, he can help clean up the neighborhood, participate in a walkathon for a good cause, tutor a classmate who's having trouble, or volunteer his time in some other way. When your teen can see that what he does makes a difference, it builds his positive opinion of himself and makes him feel good. That's self-acceptance.

24. Teach your teen to accept compliments. When self-acceptance is low, it's easy for young people to overlook the good things others say about them. They don't believe it when someone says a nice thing. Instead, they may think something like, “Yeah, but I'm not all that great…” and then brush off the compliment. Instead, encourage your teen to accept a compliment, appreciate it, and take it seriously. Also, teach her to give sincere compliments to others.

25. Teach your teen to change his “demands” to “preferences.” Point out that there is no reason he must get everything he wants – and that he need not feel angry either. Encourage him to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing him when he displays “appropriate irritation” rather than “anger.”

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

26. Teach your teen to remind himself that everyone excels at different things. Help her to focus on what she does well, and cheer on others for their success. Self-talk such as, "He's a great football player, but I'm a better chess player” helps your teen accept himself and make the best of the situation.

27. Teach your teen to take pride in her opinions and ideas. Tell her that she need not be afraid to voice them. If someone disagrees with her, it's not a reflection on her worth or her intelligence. That person just sees things differently.

28. Teens remember positive statements that their parent says to them. They store them up and “replay” these statements to themselves. Thus, practice giving your teen words of encouragement throughout each day.

29. Use what is called “descriptive praise” to let your teen know when he is doing something well. Develop the habit of looking for situations in which your teen is doing a good job or displaying a skill (e.g., “I really like the way you straightened up the garage. You put each thing in its place”).

30. What you think determines how you feel – and how you feel determines how you behave. Thus, it’s important to teach your teen to be positive about how she “talks to herself” (e.g., “I can get this problem if I just keep trying” … “It’s OK that I didn’t get an ‘A’ on the test today” … “I tried my best, I can’t win them all”).

The primary aspect of AS and HFA that characterizes it as autistic is the problem of human connectedness. The term most commonly used to describe this core weakness of human connection is “reciprocity.” This refers to the teenager’s ability to engage other people in a way that makes others feel connected or not. In social conversation with a teenager with AS and HFA, eye contact is often poor, fleeting, or absent. These “special needs” teenagers may not be able to read subtle gestures and facial changes or to interpret subtleties in language (e.g., irony or sarcasm). They do not read or respond as most people do to small changes in body posture or to gestures. They seem either distant, stiff, or in other ways unconnected.

AS and HFA teenagers not only seem disconnected, but in some cases uninterested in being in relationships with others. They may generally have very little interest in the feelings, experiences, other human qualities, or possibilities of others and, hence, lack demonstrated empathy. They do not seem to derive pleasure from engaging others, learning about them, talking with them, or sharing experiences. In the many cases where the symptoms are milder, the teen may wish to connect with others, but simply does not know how. She may have feelings for others, but can’t seem to mobilize the demonstration of those feelings.

The good news is that parents (and teachers) can assist in these challenges by helping their AS or HFA teen to develop a set of social skills. And as mentioned above, the most important skill to possess in this endeavor is called “self-acceptance.” With self-acceptance, the teen capitalizes on his strengths rather than trying to “fix” his weaknesses, yet he accepts his weaknesses for what they are.



==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens
By

Fostering the Development of Self-Reliance in Kids and Teens with ASD Level 1

"At what point do I cross the line from being an advocate for my child (with ASD) to being an enabler? In other words, when/how do parents do their child a disfavor by 'helping too much'."

Parents of a child with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often have trouble knowing how much to help out their “suffering” youngster at certain times in his or her life. However, if they have “stepped-in” time and time again to over-protect and over-assist their youngster, it often results is serious problems for that child later in life. Moms and dads are not doing their youngster any favors by over-assisting – in fact, quite the opposite.

Overprotective parents mean well. After all, it's their job to protect their youngster from harm. But unfortunately, some parents of AS and HFA children go too far. They started out by being their child’s advocate – and this is all well and good – but then they progressed way beyond advocacy to an overprotective parenting style. They figured the more hands-on and involved they are in their “special needs” child’s life, the better – but this is definitely not true.



Some early signs of overprotective parenting include the following: 
  • Being quick to punish transgressions
  • Expectations that the youngster understand adult rules of deference and demeanor
  • Having strict rules of neatness, which do not allow the youngster to get dirt on his clothes or on himself
  • Having unnecessarily strict rules (e.g., remaining in the same room with the mother or father at all times, even at age 5 or 6)
  • Highly structured rules that try to cover every phase of the youngster’s life
  • Immediately running to examine the youngster when she has a simple fall that produces no distress; if a whimper is the worst result, the mother or father may have candy or a toy ready for comfort
  • Over-dependence on a system of rewards and punishments
  • Over-emphasis of academic success
  • Protection from all harm whether physical or emotional

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Adult Children with Aspergers and Their Over-Protective Parents 



What are some of the negative outcomes related to an overprotective parenting style? Here are just a few:

1. A grown-up gains confidence by working hard and mastering whatever it is he or she seeks to accomplish – and a child gains confidence the same way. But if an overprotective parent (who hates to see her AS or HFA youngster struggle) does tasks FOR him, the child is not given the opportunity to develop his own skills. Thus, he risks going through life with little or no confidence. An overprotective parent inadvertently sends the message that her youngster is not capable of doing an adequate job, or that she doesn't trust her youngster to make the right decisions.

2. One of the most important jobs a parent has is to prepare her youngster to be an independent and productive adult. But an overprotective parent can't let go – even after her older teen or young adult has left home to attend college. Some moms and dads negotiate work contracts on behalf of their “special needs” adult child. And the most extreme parents even attend job interviews with their adult child, which rarely impresses any potential employer.

3. An overprotective parenting style can cause the lack of the development of self-esteem in the AS or HFA youngster. This is because he is not allowed to face challenges without parental intervention. Part of the development of self-esteem in kids comes from surmounting challenges on their own, which can be denied to them by an overprotective mother or father.
 

4. When a parent does too much “safeguarding” in an effort to make her youngster’s life stress-free, it usually has the opposite effect. The overly-protected youngster eventually becomes depressed and suffers anxiety that he attributes to the obsessed parent. Instead of creating a happy and stress-free environment, the overprotective parent often accomplishes the opposite.

5. An overly protected child may feel that if his parents don’t trust him with the freedom to make mistakes and tackle problems on his own, then he may not have the ability to succeed in life without continued guidance.

So, what can parents do if they have been overly protective down through the years?

They should begin to foster the development of self-reliance in their child, rather than parental-reliance. For kids with AS and HFA, acquiring skills related to self-reliance is especially important. This is because their ability to express themselves clearly or interact with others may look different than what other kids typically do. Some grown-ups may mistakenly provide more support for a youngster on the autism spectrum than she actually needs. When a youngster is consistently prevented from taking even small risks, she will learn to feel helpless and dependent, rather than self-reliant.

Self-reliance is not about letting the child make every single decision that affects his life (e.g., what time to go to bed, deciding not to wear a coat in the winter time, etc.). Kids need very clear expectations, protection from harm, and loving guidance. Self-reliance is about providing opportunities so that AS and HFA kids develop the skills necessary to become independent, as well as to interact freely and joyfully within their environment.

When kids on the autism spectrum grow up, parents want them to have the necessary survival skills (e.g., speaking up and voicing opinions). Self-advocacy (i.e., the ability to speak on one’s own behalf) is an important and powerful outcome for kids with AS and HFA. By learning skills that promote self-reliance as a youngster, parents begin paving the way for her to effectively use her voice or other means to speak up on her own behalf.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Just like a child needs to practice the violin to become proficient, AS and HFA kids need on-going practice to gain skills related to self-reliance. When these young people have numerous opportunities to practice making basic choices or solving simple problems, they build confidence and trust in their own abilities. They also build the competence and ability to master new skills that can last a lifetime.

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Below are a few important suggestions for promoting early self-reliance in your child. You can choose the ones that work for you, or adapt some of the suggestions so they match the preferences of your youngster and the rest of the family:

1. Create opportunities for your AS or HFA youngster to see his work, drawings or other art displayed (e.g., proudly show “found treasures,” artwork or other creations on a bulletin board or the refrigerator).

2. Develop routines WITH your youngster. Morning and bedtime are obvious times to come up with predictable routines. Have your child involved in the planning. For example, sit her down and ask, "What can we do to make our mornings go more smoothly?" Chances are your youngster will come up with the same ideas you might have – and since she came up with the idea (rather than you), she will be more likely to follow it. She may even pose some ideas you wouldn't have considered (e.g., having a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes). Beyond the morning and night, look for other times that you can come up with a flexible schedule. For example, when your youngster gets home from school, he can be in charge of getting his own snack instead of relying on you.

3. Provide a lot of regular acknowledgement and praise. When your youngster is trying something new, you can nearly guarantee his success by praising his efforts. Kids on the autism spectrum can get easily frustrated, but by cheering on their efforts, they learn that obstacles can be overcome. They need to learn patience as they learn to do something new, and moms and dads need to be patient as they encourage their kids. For example, it may take longer for your child to tie his shoes, so give him plenty of time and don't rush him. In the end, your child will not only learn to do more on his own, but he will become more self-reliant – and grateful that his mom and dad have confidence in his abilities.
 
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

4. Help your youngster to become a goal-setter. Autonomy often goes hand-in-hand with self-confidence. When your youngster feels like she has the ability to accomplish something small (e.g., making her own bed), she will then feel more able to do more difficult tasks (e.g., washing dishes, figuring out fractions, etc.). Help along her “sense of self” by teaching her to set goals. These goals don't have to be large tasks, or even for lengthy time periods. And the reward for her efforts should be her own sense of accomplishment. Chores are a good place to start with goal-setting. So, identify with your youngster specific tasks that she can do around the house and in her bedroom. Work with her to develop a chart to mark off each day or week that she gets her tasks done.

5. Of course, supervision is important to ensure that your youngster is safe. But to help her really learn a new skill, it's also important not to hover. Finding that balance can be tricky. That's why taking simple steps toward acquiring a new skill is crucial. Potentially dangerous or messy tasks (e.g., cutting, vacuuming, working with blenders, etc.) require supervision. But make sure that with other tasks (e.g., making beds, fixing simple meals, etc.), you step back and let your child show off her skills.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

6. Let your youngster go alone. Are you the first to volunteer to chaperone the school fieldtrip? After all, what if your son forgets his sack lunch …or your daughter leaves her umbrella on the bus? Moms and dads should definitely sign up for one fieldtrip or a couple of classroom volunteer assignments each school year – but should not go to every activity. These activities serve as opportunities for kids to exert their independence while still being under adult supervision. After the activity, ask your youngster about the event. You may notice that he enjoyed going on the fieldtrip, not just because of the horses at the farm, but also because he felt responsible enough to take care of himself outside of school without his mom or dad around.

7. Let your AS or HFA child make mistakes, but be there to boost her spirits so she will keep trying. For example, if your youngster wants to learn how to make a home-made pizza, show her how. Then set up the ingredients and let her give it a try. True, you're likely in for a bit of a mess, but your youngster can help clean up (however imperfectly) after she is done crafting her pizza. Instead of pointing out that she added entirely too much mozzarella cheese, make an attempt to avoid any criticism that could discourage her from trying again. If parents step-in to assist, their youngster may get discouraged and never try it again.

8. Offer choices and solicit your youngster’s preferences for objects and activities (e.g., ask him which book of two books he wants, and ask if he wants to sit up or lie down to hear the story).

9. Provide your youngster ways to be independent in dressing and personal care.

10. Teach “life skills” to your child. Start simple with teaching day-to-day tasks. For example, have your youngster help you sort out clothes for the laundry. After the clothes are dried, give her a basket with her clothes folded inside. Once she is comfortable and confident putting away her own clothes, let her handle the folding, too. Introducing your youngster gradually to new skills will help her to feel confident to handle more demanding tasks.

These are just a few ideas to help you start thinking about ways to promote self-reliance at home. The key is to create opportunities where your youngster can feel happy, safe, and free within the world around him or her.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

15 Ways to Bully-Proof Your Child with ASD

Over 25% of public schools report that bullying among students occurs on a daily basis. Also, one in five middle school students with ASD (high-functioning autism) report being bullied in the past 3 months.

The good news is that, since bullying has made national headlines, schools and communities – and even celebrities – are taking a strong anti-bullying stance. Parents can do their part at home, too.

Bullying Facts:
  • Bullies - and victims of bullying - have difficulty adjusting to their environments, both socially and psychologically.
  • Bullies are more likely to smoke and drink alcohol, and to be poorer students.
  • Bullying occurs most frequently from sixth to eighth grade, with little variation between urban, suburban, town and rural areas.
  • Females are more likely to be verbally or psychologically bullied.
  • Males are more likely to be physically bullied.
  • Males are more likely to be bullies - and victims of bullying - than females.
  • Students who are both bullies - and recipients of bullying - tend to experience social isolation.
  • Victims of bullying have greater difficulty making friends and are lonelier.

Here are 15 anti-bullying strategies to keep your ASD child from becoming a target – and to stop bullying that has already started:

1. Avoid the bully. There are some situations where bullying is worse because it is an ideal situation for a bully to go after their victim without any consequences. If there is no grown-up around, then he can bully without fear of getting caught. So, avoid these situations. For example, on the playground, stay where other kids can hear and where the playground monitor is around.

2. Buddy up for safety. Two or more friends standing at their lockers are less likely to be picked on than a youngster who is all alone. Remind your child to use the buddy system when on the school bus, in the bathroom, or wherever bullies may lurk.

3. Confront the bully. Ask him why he is bullying you. Ask him what the problem is. Ask him to stop. Bullies are rarely asked to face the reality that they are being a bully, so make them face it.

4. Control your feelings. Bullies look for reactions, don’t give them one. Soon they will grow bored and move on.

5. Don’t bully back. It is good to say “stop it” – but don’t bully in return. You don’t want to be on the same level. Instead, tell someone that the bully is bullying you, and then do your best to ignore.

6. Don't try to fight the battle yourself. Sometimes talking to a bully's mom or dad can be constructive, but it's generally best to do so in a setting where a school official (e.g., a counselor) can mediate.

7. Make friends with one of the bigger guys in your school (some 8th graders, for example, may stand nearly 6 foot tall). Bullies are reluctant to go after someone who has backup. Bullies usually pick out the weakest person they can find, and there is strength in numbers. So, stop a bully by having a tall friend on hand most of the time.

8. Ignore bullies. A lot of what bullies do is for a reaction. They say or do things to see what you will do. If you want to stop a bully, just ignore their efforts, soon they will find someone else. Whether it is bullying online or in person, ignore, ignore, ignore.

9. Improve your self-esteem. Bullies usually pick on kids who have low self-esteem. They look for students who are weak, isolated, that feel alone, and have few friends. There is less chance of them being caught that way. Work on your self-esteem, and you won’t be picked on long.

10. Keep calm and carry on. If a bully strikes, a kid's best defense may be to remain calm, ignore hurtful remarks, tell the bully to stop, and simply walk away. Bullies thrive on hurting others. A youngster who isn't easily ruffled has a better chance of staying off a bully's radar.

11. Put on a brave face. When you let a bully know that you are afraid of him, it is like giving him power. If you give him a little power, you will find that the bullying gets worse. So, put on a brave face, and never show your fear.

12. Remove the bait. If it's lunch money or gadgets that the school bully is after, you can help neutralize the situation by encouraging your child to pack a lunch or go to school gadget-free.

13. Report the bullying. Bullies can’t bully for long if they are getting caught. The beginning of getting a bully to stop has to start with an authority figure. So, each time someone bullies you, tell a grown-up. If it happens at school, tell a counselor, a teacher, or the principal.

14. Stand up for yourself when it gets really bad. If a bully is physically harming you, ruining your reputation, or something else, then don’t put up with it. Instead, say the words like, “Stop” or “Don’t” and make sure they know you are done taking their bullying.

15. Talk about it. Talk about bullying with your children and have other family members share their experiences. If one of your children opens up about being bullied, praise him for being brave enough to discuss it and offer unconditional support. Consult with the school to learn its policies and find out how staff and teachers can address the situation.

By

Angry Outbursts in Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old; he has been previously diagnosed with high functioning autism, adhd and obsessive compulsive disorder. My son lived with his father for six months while I recovered from a nervous breakdown. When I got custody of him again he was very aggressive, would hit his 6 year old brother and call him names and put him down. My ex gave him no discipline from what I gather from my son, he told me he had to raise his six year old brother for them six months. He blames me for the divorce between me and his father. I have bipolar and he doesn’t seem to understand that I am different too and that I need him to cooperate and help me as much as possible. He’s too focused on his ocd, his adhd and his autism and he uses all of these things for an excuse for all of the negative behaviors he is having.

In the last past year he has changed 3 schools, and moved to a new area, which he says he hates. I’m wondering if he will adjust to the new setting and new rules that I have for him. I think some of it is the teenage years; he uses profanity often and shows aggression to get his way no matter what the consequences. I want to help my son but I don’t know what to do. His brother is totally opposite; he does what I tell him and goes by all of the rules.

How do I get my son to show me respect and work on his attitude without so many angry outbursts which could get me evicted from our apartment? I go with the flow to keep things as quiet as possible but things get worse, if I threaten to take his games he threatens and has went as far as walking out of the door leaving me to find him. Am I dealing with autism, Adhd, compulsive disorder or just an unruly teenager? I think it is all of them. I was wondering if there is an autism training center that could come in and work with my son. I am desperate at this point and will do anything to help my child to stay on the right track, I worry that he is headed for suicide or prison. I am very concerned for him, he’s happy as long as I cater to him, but when I stand up for what I think is right he rebels and I pay dearly. Please help.

Answer

Parents of High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) children/teens will face many behavior problems (e.g., aggression and violent behavior, anger, depression, and many other problematic behaviors). Part of the problem stems from (a) the conflict between longings for social contact and (b) an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships.
 

HFA and AS adolescents possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
  • Adolescents with the disorder tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these adolescents even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
  • These teenagers rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These young people may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
  • Adolescents on the autism spectrum often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that adolescents with Aspergers can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their HFA or AS teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
  • They can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as adolescents on the spectrum may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
  • Social conventions are a confusing maze for adolescents with the disorder. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.

Focus on prevention and on helping your son to develop communication skills and develop a healthy self-esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger.

Anger is often prevalent in HFA and AS when rituals can't get accomplished or when the teen's need for order or symmetry can't be met. Frustration (over little things that usually don't bother others) can lead to anger and sometimes violent outbursts. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having their needs met.

Rest assured, communication skills and friendship skills can be taught to teens (and even adults) on the spectrum, which can eliminate some of the social isolation they feel. This can avert or reverse many anger control issues.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...


PARENTS'  COMMENTS:

*   Anonymous said... I'd like to say to you this. My son has Aspergers/Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He too present with anger, negativity and outbursts with authority figures. One thing I learned early on, NEVER walk on broken glass waiting to get cut! Never let things go with ease to avaoid a melt down. Set clear limits he understands with clear consequences he also understands. Get your child the help hhe needs NOW before it's too late with the laws in your State. Many parents of Spectrum children do not understand the Laws that protect the child and hinder the parents. As with my son, at the age of 14 in our State children have the RIGHT to not participate in therapy of any sort including Mental Health Services. If and when your child is made aware of the Laws you should be prepared as we were not as we did not even know the Law existed. My son is as I've said now 17. He is reminded daily that no matter what his diagnosis are, he is bound by the same laws as the rest of the world. Dealing with anger outbursts are horrifying to say the least. It takes a toll on your entire family dynamics. Having a younger child watch this behavior will lead them to issues with outbursts as well. I also have a 7 yr old who learns from his brothers behavior. We do the same, set limits, make rules and make consequences clearly understood and FOLLOW THROUGH! NEVER let your guilt for the diagnosis to interfere with following through! This will by far be your biggest mistake. For yourself, establish a support system, keep time for yourself, try to stay positive at all times and again use your support system. If and when violence erupts, call the police to intervene and make sure they are aware of the diagnosis before they arrive for it can cause a bigger problem as well as a negative outcome all around.
 
•    Anonymous said… Communication is hard and understanding is wanted. Those that act out are in pain themselves..
 
•    Anonymous said… I have been dealing with this for 16 years. Therapy is a on going process. If the behavior is out of control. I would suggest a inpatient treatment facility. This will allow for continued therapy and behavior modification. Trust me.. I know this well. You are not along.
 
•    Anonymous said… I know this comment may sound soft and shallow, but believe me, as a single parent of an autistic/Asperger's son prone to violent outbursts just like the rest of you, all I can offer is for you the parent to take care of yourself. For me it was Transcendental Meditation. It calms me like nothing else and for some bizarre reason it calms my son, even though he's not the one meditating. I'm not affiliated and not trying to pitch them, but you need to do something CALMING for yourself. Every child is different and requires a unique strategy to cope, and so does every parent. Bless everyone here and let's try to keep our heads and hearts clear.
 
•    Anonymous said… Well i give my son 1 for being good and its been working i got him on ssi and he had outbursts 3 times before i decided this and i took one day at a time and for 5 days my son been good no outbursts and i give him options too like if he cant do something for a example my son he wanted to go yesterday to dollar General i said play on ur phone or color or drawl or eat popsicle something to distract him from what he wants til u can do it when ur ready . Take 1day at a time and be calm with him at all times i just started this 2 months ago and im handling it pretty well and he has asperger's and odd so i understand
 
•    Anonymous said… Wow! My son is 15 and this is my life right now, although luckily without the physical aggression. I have to admit it is nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these severe behavior issues!
 
•    Anonymous said… your beautiful boy sounds like my 8yr old grand son , but these kids live in a completely different world to ours they like to do what they do eat what they eat and if left alone they survive just as well as if we never said a word the more we tell them and yell the worse they get .I have seen the outbursts and man its scary .
 
*     Anonymous said... Not enough focus on reaching out to others on the spectrum, other teens getting together. Organized by the supports already in place to have purposed get togethers for the teens. They just don't cut it , in high school. Highschool is a dead bully zone. Kids there are mean mean mean, if anyone is a bit 'off' they can make their life miserable, too miserable. I would not have my kid enter high school at all, and focus on get togethers with other aspergers kids, and just do it that way, engaging them in activities in the community.

*     Anonymous said...I really dont know what to do my 12 year old shouts at me and says the most horrible things most days and calls me and her sister names im a single mum of 3 and finding it hard to cope ive asked for help since she was 4 and no one does anything she has no therapy and we have no help at all just me because while at school etc she wants to be the same as everyone else she tells them shes fine and the works ok but what she does is bottle all her anxieties frustrations things that havent gone as shes wanted all day etc and lets rip at me when she gest home if something isnt how she wants or she cant have what she wants or things dont go as she expects she has meltdowns that can last hours ive said i will speak to school to see if there is anything they can do to help us she said if i speak to school or anyone else about her shes going to tell them i hit and hurt her i dont do either but do have to hold her when in meltdown to prevent her hurting herself me or someone else or damaging property until shes in either a safer place or calms down i have had a dislocated shoulder a torn rotary cuff in my shoulder which needed surgery to repair and still has limited movement shes broken 3 of my toes and i often end up bruised and sore muscles i have health conditions that mean the above and stress makes me really poorly she knows this but in meltdown does not care at all i do not hit h.  Id stayed out on sat nt my mum had her for the night so i could have a day/nt off her nanna treated her to sweets her favourote programme then on the way home took her clothes shopping she had a good time id been home 10 min and she'd reduced me to tears with shouting at me and calling me names and i got up this morning to the same today i really dont know what to do im so tired and drain from it all ���� im worried about what her future will be

Please post your comment below…

By

Helping Aspergers Students Deal with Anger: Advice for Teachers

Aspergers (high functioning autistic) kid’s anger presents challenges to educators committed to constructive, ethical, and effective youngster guidance. This post explores what we know about the components of Aspergers kid’s anger, factors contributing to understanding and managing anger, and the ways educators can guide kid’s expressions of anger.

Three Components of Anger—

Anger is believed to have three components (Lewis & Michalson, 1983):

The Emotional State of Anger. The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe several types of stress-producing anger provocations that young kids face daily in classroom interactions:
  • Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking kid’s property or invading their space.
  • Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that kids do something that they do not want to do--for instance, wash their hands.
  • Physical assault, which involves one youngster doing something to another youngster, such as pushing or hitting.
  • Rejection, which involves a youngster being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
  • Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.

Expression of Anger—

The second component of anger is its expression. Some kids vent or express anger through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in non-aggressive ways. Still other kids express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some kids express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Other kids express anger through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. And some kids use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.

Educators can use youngster guidance strategies to help Aspergers students express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. Kids develop ideas about how to express emotions (Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some Aspergers students have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger (Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, when confronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A major challenge for early childhood educators is to encourage Aspergers students to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.

An Understanding of Anger—

The third component of the anger experience is understanding - interpreting and evaluating - the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of the emotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because kid’s ability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, Aspergers students need guidance from educators and parents in understanding and managing their feelings of anger.

Understanding and Managing Anger—

The development of basic cognitive processes undergirds kid’s gradual development of the understanding of anger (Lewis & Saarni, 1985).

Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors—Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young kids provides a base for early childhood educators who can develop strategies to nurture kid’s emerging ability to regulate the expression of anger.

Memory—Memory improves substantially during early childhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young kids to better remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions. Aspergers students who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after educators help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that educators may have to remind some Aspergers students, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.

Language—Talking about emotions helps young Aspergers students understand their feelings (Brown & Dunn, 1996). The understanding of emotion in preschool kids is predicted by overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Educators can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because kid’s families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.

Guiding Kid’s Expressions of Anger—

Educators can help Aspergers students deal with anger by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The practices described here can help Aspergers students understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and non-aggressive way.

Communicate with Moms and Dads—Some of the same strategies employed to talk with moms and dads about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helping Aspergers students learn to express emotions. For example, articles about learning to use words to label anger can be included in a newsletter to moms and dads.

Create a Safe Emotional Climate—A healthy early childhood setting permits kids to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.

Encourage Kids to Label Feelings of Anger—Educators and parents can help young Aspergers students produce a label for their anger by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

Encourage Kids to Talk About Anger-Arousing Interactions—Preschool kids better understand anger and other emotions when adults explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When Aspergers students are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, educators can help by listening without judging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.

Help Kids Develop Self-Regulatory Skills—Educators of infants and toddlers do a lot of self-regulation "work," realizing that the Aspergers students in their care have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As Aspergers students get older, adults can gradually transfer control of the self to kids, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.

Model Responsible Anger Management—Aspergers students have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of anger (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Adults who are most effective in helping Aspergers students manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.

Use Books and Stories about Anger to Help Kids Understand and Manage Anger—Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate kid’s feelings and give information about anger (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995). It is important to preview all books about anger because some stories teach irresponsible anger management.

Aspergers students guided toward responsible anger management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor anger management (Eisenberg et al., 1991). Educators can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing anger by adopting positive guidance strategies.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

The Traits of High-Functioning Autism: Fact Sheet

Is there a detailed list of traits associated with high functioning autism that we can use as a gauge to see whether or not to have our child assessed?


A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's often has many of the following traits:
  1. Has a different form of introspection and self-consciousness
  2. Has a fascination with a topic that is unusual in intensity or focus
  3. Takes longer to process social information due to using intelligence rather than intuition
  4. Needs assistance with some self-help and organizational skills
  5. Enjoys a very brief and low intensity expression of affection, and becomes confused or overwhelmed when greater levels of expression are experienced or expected
  6. Collects facts and figures about a specific topic
  7. Has a tendency to be considered disrespectful and rude by others
  8. Has a tendency to make a literal interpretation of what someone says
  9. Has an unusual profile of learning abilities
  10. Teachers often identify problems with organizational abilities, especially with homework assignments and essays
  11. Teachers soon recognize that the child has a distinctive learning style, being talented in understanding the logical and physical world, noticing details, and remembering and arranging facts in a systematic fashion
  12. Often has levels of anxiety, depression or anger that indicate a secondary mood disorder
  13. Can be easily distracted, especially in the classroom
  14. When problem solving, the child appears to have a one-track mind and a fear of failure
  15. Has a different, but not defective, way of thinking
  16. Is clumsy in terms of gait and coordination
  17. Has a delay in the development of the art of persuasion, compromise and conflict resolution
  18. Has delayed social maturity and social reasoning
  19. Has difficulty reading the messages in someone’s eyes
  20. Has difficulty making friends
  21. Is often teased by peers due to his/her “odd” mannerisms
  22. Has difficulty with the communication and control of emotions
  23. If the child with HFA is not successful socially at school, then academic success becomes more important as the primary motivation to attend school and for the development of self-esteem
  24. In adolescence, the interests can evolve to include electronics and computers, fantasy literature, science fiction, and a fascination with a particular person
  25. Much of the knowledge associated with the child's special interest is self-directed and self-taught
  26. Is vulnerable to feeling depressed, with about 1 in 3 HFA children having clinical depression
  27. Experiences physical and emotional exhaustion from socializing
  28. Has problems knowing when something may cause embarrassment to others
  29. Is remarkably honesty
  30. Has sensitivities to specific sounds, aromas, sights, tastes and touch 
  31. Can be immature in the development of the ability to catch, throw or kick a ball
  32. HFA girls often develop a special interest in fiction rather than facts 
  33. Often has academic abilities above his/her grade level
  34. Sometimes the special interest is a particular animal, and can be so intense that the child acts like the animal
  35. Has difficulties with handwriting
  36. Becomes hypervigilant, tense and distractible in sensory stimulating environments (e.g., in the classroom), unsure when the next painful sensory experience will occur
  37. The emotion management can be conceptualized as a problem with "energy management," specifically an excessive amount of emotional energy, and difficulty controlling and releasing the energy constructively
  38. Emotional maturity is usually at least three years behind that of his/her peers
  39. The special interest can be a source of enjoyment, knowledge, self-identity and self-esteem that can be constructively used by parents, teachers and therapists
  40. The most common sensory sensitivity is to very specific sounds
  41. There can be an under- or over- reaction to the experience of pain and discomfort
  42. The sense of balance, movement perception, and body orientation can be unusual
  43. May have a fixation on something neither human nor toy, or a fascination with a specific category of objects and the acquisition of as many examples as possible
  44. The child’s overriding priority may be to solve a problem rather than satisfy the social or emotional needs of others
  45. The child is usually renowned for being direct, speaking his/her mind and being determined and having a strong sense of social justice
  46. The child may actively seek and enjoy solitude, be a loyal friend, and have a distinct sense of humor
  47. The child usually has a strong desire to seek knowledge, truth and perfection with a different set of priorities than would be expected with "typical" children 
  48. The child values being creative rather than co-operative
  49. Can have difficulty with the management and expression of emotions
  50. May perceive errors that are not apparent to others, giving considerable attention to detail rather than noticing the “big picture”
  51. The child's special interest has several functions: to (a) create a sense of identity, (b) create an alternative world, (c) ensure greater predictability and certainty in life, (d) facilitate conversation and indicate intellectual ability, (e) help understand the physical world, (f) overcome anxiety, (g) provide pleasure, and (h) provide relaxation
  52. There seems to be two main categories of special interest: collections, and the acquisition of knowledge on a specific topic or concept
  53. Has a limited vocabulary to describe emotions, and a lack of subtlety and variety in emotional expression
  54. Tends to have a different perception of situations and sensory experiences
  55. May have problems expressing the degree of love and affection expected by others
  56. Unusual language abilities that include advanced vocabulary and syntax, but delayed conversation skills, unusual prosody, and a tendency to be pedantic
  57. Unusual or special interests can develop as early as age 2 to 3 years and may commence with a preoccupation with parts of objects (e.g., spinning the wheels of toy cars) or manipulating electrical switches
  58. HFA traits are more conspicuous in early childhood and gradually diminish during adolescence, but some traits remain throughout adulthood
  59. When one considers the attributes associated with the special interests, it is important to consider not only the benefits to the HFA child, but also the benefits to society
  60. The child’s coordination can be immature. and he/she may have a strange, sometimes idiosyncratic gait that lacks fluency and efficiency
 

If most of the traits above characterize your child, then an assessment by a qualified professional would be in order.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book




By

Setting Effective Boundaries with Children on the Autism Spectrum

“I have a 6-year-old daughter, Kayla, with HFA. My husband and I are having a terrible time knowing when to set limits with her. She is often critical of herself (and me) …is a very sensitive child …it doesn’t take much to get her very upset and then she becomes aggressive. Sometimes I feel I’m being too hard on her and damaging her self-esteem. But other times I feel I’m not being tough enough which is spoiling her. How do I walk the fine line between too much punishment and not enough?”

Being empathetic doesn't mean always giving your high functioning autistic daughter what she wants. But when she is being refused another handful of candy, or disciplined for pushing her brother, or trying to scratch you, the limit-setting needs to be done in a firm, but very gentle, manner. Gentle boundaries coupled with empathy and flexibility will gradually help your “sensitive” daughter be less critical of you and herself.

Expand your daughter's dialogue about what comforts and what bothers her. For instance, say she doesn't like the way you put her dress on. So you try again, only this time you ask her to help direct you so that you are exchanging lots of words and gestures and, at the same time, following her general guidelines. This tends to ease the tension.

Trying too hard to get it "right," or putting the dress on her in a forceful or irritated fashion, will start a power struggle. As you build your daughter’s trust and confidence in you, she begins to see you as a colleague who can help her, rather than as an adversary out to get her.



In response to the advice above, parents often tell me they fear they will overindulge or spoil their son or daughter and worsen the demanding behavior by being so understanding. I tell them that “you can't spoil ‘special needs’ children by helping them to feel more secure. Instead, you spoil them by not setting boundaries.”

Underneath your “spoiled” daughter is a girl who thinks, "I can't get the boundaries I need. I have to push more and more and more because nothing works." But you need to set boundaries on her aggression, not on her need for comfort and security. You don't set boundaries and soothe at the same time. And you need a lot of patience (not an easy task to accomplish).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

In setting boundaries, take advantage of your daughter's debating skills to hash-out rules, rewards, and consequences in advance together. Try to avoid surprises – and avoid throwing a temper tantrum yourself. Also, it is best to try to avoid situations where the family becomes so stressed and exhausted that you and your husband stop nurturing each other and a great deal of anger develops in the family.

Under those conditions, one parent commonly tries to overprotect the child in an anxious, hovering way, unsettling the child with needy intrusiveness. And the other parent, feeling deprived and jealous, often becomes overly punitive with the child. It's only when you and your husband have your own needs met that you can be truly gentle and collaborative in setting the required boundaries.

For young people on the autism spectrum, the general parenting-goal is to be warm, soothing, and respectful as much as possible. Meet your daughter’s inflexibility with flexibility. For example, you're helping tie her shoes. She pulls her foot away and says, "That’s too tight, stupid. That hurts my foot!" Instead of saying, "Don't talk to me that way!" …you can pause and say, "I guess your foot is a bit sensitive," as you tie her shoe one more time, saying, "Is this way better?"

At another time (when she isn't feeling so fussy), you can raise the more general issue of why she gets so angry at you and calls you "stupid" whenever you're not "perfect." Here, you can help her reflect on the fact that maybe she is being extra hard on you. As you help her see this pattern and encourage her to become more flexible, remember that she is probably being harder on herself, calling herself "stupid" or worse.

For this reason, your defensive stance (e.g., "Don’t talk to me that way!"), and then getting angry over your daughter’s spoiled, insensitive behavior not only doesn't work, but actually strengthens her rebelliousness. Whatever your daughter is doing to you, she is probably doing worse to herself. When you come down on her too hard, you may only intensify her self-criticism – and probably even self-hatred. Empathy and flexibility, coupled with quiet explanations, help her see that she is being hard on both you and herself.




Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 


 COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... Been there, did some damage to that self esteem and it took years to get it back! Good luck, every child is different, just hang in there!!
•    Anonymous said... I feel the same way. It's like groundhogs day every day with my 3 on the Spectrum. I'm so tired of it all.
•    Anonymous said... Our best line is First this then you get to do this... most times it goes like this, "First you listen and obey and go get redy for bed, then you can come back and watch 10 minutes of TV. most times it is also smaller conversations. He usually need it broken down into small small tasks. First you apoligize then you can..... do......etc etc
•    Anonymous said... remeber that asperger kids are VERY literal and consitance is one of the most important factors! We have an 8 year old who is High Functioning Autisum (Aspergers), ADHD and Anexity disorder. We are very strict with what behavior is aceptable and what is not. We have a 9 year old with no issues and what rules I have for him I have for my 8 year old as well. I think where the big difference is when my 8 year old has a tantrum I am more understanding where my 9 year old it doesnt fly. When ever Jake gets upset we very comly tell him to go to his room and get himself under control. Sometimes It takes 10 min other times he throws such a fit he falls asleep. Now we have been doing this ever sicne he was about 4 and didnt get his diagnoses until he was 6 almost 7. Once he calms down we try to talk about what happened. He got upset the other night because his brother asked for ice cream and served him self and he was man because I didnt remind him that he could have ice cream. So he comes up with the solution the next night he gets to have ice cream and his brother doesnt. I just laugh and he goes about his merry way. You have to remember when you are discussing things their perception of this will be different but hearing their side of things makes them feel better. We work with a therapist every other week on the really hard issues Like Hitting when he gets upset and yelling at teachers or adults. Remember they live in a black and white world and they do not understand gray areas. I guess the best we can do is try to teach them to reconise the gray area and maybe things will be better. Hang in there, I have found that with the strick guidelines he is much happier!!!
•    Anonymous said... This is an excellent post! I especially like: "But you need to set boundaries on her aggression, not on her need for comfort and security." The author's ideas and examples of Authoritative parenting (high warmth, appropriate discipline) are not only good for special needs children but for any parent.
•    Anonymous said... This is exactly how I used to feel, don't get me wrong I still feel feel like this sometimes. It's a tough situation to be in. One thing I have learnt is I have to be strict, otherwise it confuses my 8 year old son who has suspected aspergers. He can't think outside of the box, so if I was to tell him after he had done something wrong "don't do that again please" he wouldn't learn from it unless I give him a consequence and follow through with whatever punishment I have told him he will get the next time he does it. There was one time where I felt like all I was doing was telling him off constantly, it used to make me feel so depressed and full of guilt, but I new that I had to be strict otherwise he will grow up and think it's ok to behave badly wherever he goes. Eventually overtime it does comes right. I felt awful at first being so strict, I felt like I was knocking my child self esteem. But if I didn't follow through with what I had told my child, all it does is create mixed messages for him in an already confusing world and makes all the long term situations a million times harder to deal with because he doesn't know where the boundaries are. Things are a lot more better now and I'm so glad I stuck to my guns with my son (even though it hurt me at the time to have to be so strict) I hardly ever need to tell him off anymore and my relationship just feels a lot more calmer/closer towards my son now.
•    Anonymous said... This is my God-daughter every day. She makes big strides to have good behavior, but she has a least one meltdown a day. And then once she calms down, she gets worked up again because she couldn't control herself. The more stressed she gets, the more aggressive she gets. The more you try to correct or punish her the worse she feels. It's like a never ending spiral. *sigh* But she handles it with as much grace as possible. And I'm so proud of her, she still tries to make her own coping skills and to work on her temper. She's only 7! Great post, keep hanging in there, keep your patience, and breathe! Lol
•    Anonymous said... When my son starts to get aggressively angry, I reiterate that this conversation has ended when we start yelling. So time out, think it through and when you decide you can calmly have this conversation we will pick it back up but until then..this is going nowhere fast. Trying to be assertive without coming across demanding. Sometimes time to calm down and think things through helps my son. Not always but.. Sometimes it works.
*   Anonymous said... This is an excellent post! I especially like: "But you need to set boundaries on her aggression, not on her need for comfort and security." Your sensitive ideas and examples of Authoritative (high warmth and appropriate discipline) are excellent for all parents, not just parents of children with special needs. Well done!

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