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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query self esteem. Sort by date Show all posts

Fostering the Development of Self-Reliance in Kids and Teens with ASD Level 1

"At what point do I cross the line from being an advocate for my child (with ASD) to being an enabler? In other words, when/how do parents do their child a disfavor by 'helping too much'."

Parents of a child with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often have trouble knowing how much to help out their “suffering” youngster at certain times in his or her life. However, if they have “stepped-in” time and time again to over-protect and over-assist their youngster, it often results is serious problems for that child later in life. Moms and dads are not doing their youngster any favors by over-assisting – in fact, quite the opposite.

Overprotective parents mean well. After all, it's their job to protect their youngster from harm. But unfortunately, some parents of AS and HFA children go too far. They started out by being their child’s advocate – and this is all well and good – but then they progressed way beyond advocacy to an overprotective parenting style. They figured the more hands-on and involved they are in their “special needs” child’s life, the better – but this is definitely not true.



Some early signs of overprotective parenting include the following: 
  • Being quick to punish transgressions
  • Expectations that the youngster understand adult rules of deference and demeanor
  • Having strict rules of neatness, which do not allow the youngster to get dirt on his clothes or on himself
  • Having unnecessarily strict rules (e.g., remaining in the same room with the mother or father at all times, even at age 5 or 6)
  • Highly structured rules that try to cover every phase of the youngster’s life
  • Immediately running to examine the youngster when she has a simple fall that produces no distress; if a whimper is the worst result, the mother or father may have candy or a toy ready for comfort
  • Over-dependence on a system of rewards and punishments
  • Over-emphasis of academic success
  • Protection from all harm whether physical or emotional

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Adult Children with Aspergers and Their Over-Protective Parents 



What are some of the negative outcomes related to an overprotective parenting style? Here are just a few:

1. A grown-up gains confidence by working hard and mastering whatever it is he or she seeks to accomplish – and a child gains confidence the same way. But if an overprotective parent (who hates to see her AS or HFA youngster struggle) does tasks FOR him, the child is not given the opportunity to develop his own skills. Thus, he risks going through life with little or no confidence. An overprotective parent inadvertently sends the message that her youngster is not capable of doing an adequate job, or that she doesn't trust her youngster to make the right decisions.

2. One of the most important jobs a parent has is to prepare her youngster to be an independent and productive adult. But an overprotective parent can't let go – even after her older teen or young adult has left home to attend college. Some moms and dads negotiate work contracts on behalf of their “special needs” adult child. And the most extreme parents even attend job interviews with their adult child, which rarely impresses any potential employer.

3. An overprotective parenting style can cause the lack of the development of self-esteem in the AS or HFA youngster. This is because he is not allowed to face challenges without parental intervention. Part of the development of self-esteem in kids comes from surmounting challenges on their own, which can be denied to them by an overprotective mother or father.
 

4. When a parent does too much “safeguarding” in an effort to make her youngster’s life stress-free, it usually has the opposite effect. The overly-protected youngster eventually becomes depressed and suffers anxiety that he attributes to the obsessed parent. Instead of creating a happy and stress-free environment, the overprotective parent often accomplishes the opposite.

5. An overly protected child may feel that if his parents don’t trust him with the freedom to make mistakes and tackle problems on his own, then he may not have the ability to succeed in life without continued guidance.

So, what can parents do if they have been overly protective down through the years?

They should begin to foster the development of self-reliance in their child, rather than parental-reliance. For kids with AS and HFA, acquiring skills related to self-reliance is especially important. This is because their ability to express themselves clearly or interact with others may look different than what other kids typically do. Some grown-ups may mistakenly provide more support for a youngster on the autism spectrum than she actually needs. When a youngster is consistently prevented from taking even small risks, she will learn to feel helpless and dependent, rather than self-reliant.

Self-reliance is not about letting the child make every single decision that affects his life (e.g., what time to go to bed, deciding not to wear a coat in the winter time, etc.). Kids need very clear expectations, protection from harm, and loving guidance. Self-reliance is about providing opportunities so that AS and HFA kids develop the skills necessary to become independent, as well as to interact freely and joyfully within their environment.

When kids on the autism spectrum grow up, parents want them to have the necessary survival skills (e.g., speaking up and voicing opinions). Self-advocacy (i.e., the ability to speak on one’s own behalf) is an important and powerful outcome for kids with AS and HFA. By learning skills that promote self-reliance as a youngster, parents begin paving the way for her to effectively use her voice or other means to speak up on her own behalf.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Just like a child needs to practice the violin to become proficient, AS and HFA kids need on-going practice to gain skills related to self-reliance. When these young people have numerous opportunities to practice making basic choices or solving simple problems, they build confidence and trust in their own abilities. They also build the competence and ability to master new skills that can last a lifetime.

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Below are a few important suggestions for promoting early self-reliance in your child. You can choose the ones that work for you, or adapt some of the suggestions so they match the preferences of your youngster and the rest of the family:

1. Create opportunities for your AS or HFA youngster to see his work, drawings or other art displayed (e.g., proudly show “found treasures,” artwork or other creations on a bulletin board or the refrigerator).

2. Develop routines WITH your youngster. Morning and bedtime are obvious times to come up with predictable routines. Have your child involved in the planning. For example, sit her down and ask, "What can we do to make our mornings go more smoothly?" Chances are your youngster will come up with the same ideas you might have – and since she came up with the idea (rather than you), she will be more likely to follow it. She may even pose some ideas you wouldn't have considered (e.g., having a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes). Beyond the morning and night, look for other times that you can come up with a flexible schedule. For example, when your youngster gets home from school, he can be in charge of getting his own snack instead of relying on you.

3. Provide a lot of regular acknowledgement and praise. When your youngster is trying something new, you can nearly guarantee his success by praising his efforts. Kids on the autism spectrum can get easily frustrated, but by cheering on their efforts, they learn that obstacles can be overcome. They need to learn patience as they learn to do something new, and moms and dads need to be patient as they encourage their kids. For example, it may take longer for your child to tie his shoes, so give him plenty of time and don't rush him. In the end, your child will not only learn to do more on his own, but he will become more self-reliant – and grateful that his mom and dad have confidence in his abilities.
 
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

4. Help your youngster to become a goal-setter. Autonomy often goes hand-in-hand with self-confidence. When your youngster feels like she has the ability to accomplish something small (e.g., making her own bed), she will then feel more able to do more difficult tasks (e.g., washing dishes, figuring out fractions, etc.). Help along her “sense of self” by teaching her to set goals. These goals don't have to be large tasks, or even for lengthy time periods. And the reward for her efforts should be her own sense of accomplishment. Chores are a good place to start with goal-setting. So, identify with your youngster specific tasks that she can do around the house and in her bedroom. Work with her to develop a chart to mark off each day or week that she gets her tasks done.

5. Of course, supervision is important to ensure that your youngster is safe. But to help her really learn a new skill, it's also important not to hover. Finding that balance can be tricky. That's why taking simple steps toward acquiring a new skill is crucial. Potentially dangerous or messy tasks (e.g., cutting, vacuuming, working with blenders, etc.) require supervision. But make sure that with other tasks (e.g., making beds, fixing simple meals, etc.), you step back and let your child show off her skills.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

6. Let your youngster go alone. Are you the first to volunteer to chaperone the school fieldtrip? After all, what if your son forgets his sack lunch …or your daughter leaves her umbrella on the bus? Moms and dads should definitely sign up for one fieldtrip or a couple of classroom volunteer assignments each school year – but should not go to every activity. These activities serve as opportunities for kids to exert their independence while still being under adult supervision. After the activity, ask your youngster about the event. You may notice that he enjoyed going on the fieldtrip, not just because of the horses at the farm, but also because he felt responsible enough to take care of himself outside of school without his mom or dad around.

7. Let your AS or HFA child make mistakes, but be there to boost her spirits so she will keep trying. For example, if your youngster wants to learn how to make a home-made pizza, show her how. Then set up the ingredients and let her give it a try. True, you're likely in for a bit of a mess, but your youngster can help clean up (however imperfectly) after she is done crafting her pizza. Instead of pointing out that she added entirely too much mozzarella cheese, make an attempt to avoid any criticism that could discourage her from trying again. If parents step-in to assist, their youngster may get discouraged and never try it again.

8. Offer choices and solicit your youngster’s preferences for objects and activities (e.g., ask him which book of two books he wants, and ask if he wants to sit up or lie down to hear the story).

9. Provide your youngster ways to be independent in dressing and personal care.

10. Teach “life skills” to your child. Start simple with teaching day-to-day tasks. For example, have your youngster help you sort out clothes for the laundry. After the clothes are dried, give her a basket with her clothes folded inside. Once she is comfortable and confident putting away her own clothes, let her handle the folding, too. Introducing your youngster gradually to new skills will help her to feel confident to handle more demanding tasks.

These are just a few ideas to help you start thinking about ways to promote self-reliance at home. The key is to create opportunities where your youngster can feel happy, safe, and free within the world around him or her.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

15 Ways to Bully-Proof Your Child with ASD

Over 25% of public schools report that bullying among students occurs on a daily basis. Also, one in five middle school students with ASD (high-functioning autism) report being bullied in the past 3 months.

The good news is that, since bullying has made national headlines, schools and communities – and even celebrities – are taking a strong anti-bullying stance. Parents can do their part at home, too.

Bullying Facts:
  • Bullies - and victims of bullying - have difficulty adjusting to their environments, both socially and psychologically.
  • Bullies are more likely to smoke and drink alcohol, and to be poorer students.
  • Bullying occurs most frequently from sixth to eighth grade, with little variation between urban, suburban, town and rural areas.
  • Females are more likely to be verbally or psychologically bullied.
  • Males are more likely to be physically bullied.
  • Males are more likely to be bullies - and victims of bullying - than females.
  • Students who are both bullies - and recipients of bullying - tend to experience social isolation.
  • Victims of bullying have greater difficulty making friends and are lonelier.

Here are 15 anti-bullying strategies to keep your ASD child from becoming a target – and to stop bullying that has already started:

1. Avoid the bully. There are some situations where bullying is worse because it is an ideal situation for a bully to go after their victim without any consequences. If there is no grown-up around, then he can bully without fear of getting caught. So, avoid these situations. For example, on the playground, stay where other kids can hear and where the playground monitor is around.

2. Buddy up for safety. Two or more friends standing at their lockers are less likely to be picked on than a youngster who is all alone. Remind your child to use the buddy system when on the school bus, in the bathroom, or wherever bullies may lurk.

3. Confront the bully. Ask him why he is bullying you. Ask him what the problem is. Ask him to stop. Bullies are rarely asked to face the reality that they are being a bully, so make them face it.

4. Control your feelings. Bullies look for reactions, don’t give them one. Soon they will grow bored and move on.

5. Don’t bully back. It is good to say “stop it” – but don’t bully in return. You don’t want to be on the same level. Instead, tell someone that the bully is bullying you, and then do your best to ignore.

6. Don't try to fight the battle yourself. Sometimes talking to a bully's mom or dad can be constructive, but it's generally best to do so in a setting where a school official (e.g., a counselor) can mediate.

7. Make friends with one of the bigger guys in your school (some 8th graders, for example, may stand nearly 6 foot tall). Bullies are reluctant to go after someone who has backup. Bullies usually pick out the weakest person they can find, and there is strength in numbers. So, stop a bully by having a tall friend on hand most of the time.

8. Ignore bullies. A lot of what bullies do is for a reaction. They say or do things to see what you will do. If you want to stop a bully, just ignore their efforts, soon they will find someone else. Whether it is bullying online or in person, ignore, ignore, ignore.

9. Improve your self-esteem. Bullies usually pick on kids who have low self-esteem. They look for students who are weak, isolated, that feel alone, and have few friends. There is less chance of them being caught that way. Work on your self-esteem, and you won’t be picked on long.

10. Keep calm and carry on. If a bully strikes, a kid's best defense may be to remain calm, ignore hurtful remarks, tell the bully to stop, and simply walk away. Bullies thrive on hurting others. A youngster who isn't easily ruffled has a better chance of staying off a bully's radar.

11. Put on a brave face. When you let a bully know that you are afraid of him, it is like giving him power. If you give him a little power, you will find that the bullying gets worse. So, put on a brave face, and never show your fear.

12. Remove the bait. If it's lunch money or gadgets that the school bully is after, you can help neutralize the situation by encouraging your child to pack a lunch or go to school gadget-free.

13. Report the bullying. Bullies can’t bully for long if they are getting caught. The beginning of getting a bully to stop has to start with an authority figure. So, each time someone bullies you, tell a grown-up. If it happens at school, tell a counselor, a teacher, or the principal.

14. Stand up for yourself when it gets really bad. If a bully is physically harming you, ruining your reputation, or something else, then don’t put up with it. Instead, say the words like, “Stop” or “Don’t” and make sure they know you are done taking their bullying.

15. Talk about it. Talk about bullying with your children and have other family members share their experiences. If one of your children opens up about being bullied, praise him for being brave enough to discuss it and offer unconditional support. Consult with the school to learn its policies and find out how staff and teachers can address the situation.

By

Angry Outbursts in Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old; he has been previously diagnosed with high functioning autism, adhd and obsessive compulsive disorder. My son lived with his father for six months while I recovered from a nervous breakdown. When I got custody of him again he was very aggressive, would hit his 6 year old brother and call him names and put him down. My ex gave him no discipline from what I gather from my son, he told me he had to raise his six year old brother for them six months. He blames me for the divorce between me and his father. I have bipolar and he doesn’t seem to understand that I am different too and that I need him to cooperate and help me as much as possible. He’s too focused on his ocd, his adhd and his autism and he uses all of these things for an excuse for all of the negative behaviors he is having.

In the last past year he has changed 3 schools, and moved to a new area, which he says he hates. I’m wondering if he will adjust to the new setting and new rules that I have for him. I think some of it is the teenage years; he uses profanity often and shows aggression to get his way no matter what the consequences. I want to help my son but I don’t know what to do. His brother is totally opposite; he does what I tell him and goes by all of the rules.

How do I get my son to show me respect and work on his attitude without so many angry outbursts which could get me evicted from our apartment? I go with the flow to keep things as quiet as possible but things get worse, if I threaten to take his games he threatens and has went as far as walking out of the door leaving me to find him. Am I dealing with autism, Adhd, compulsive disorder or just an unruly teenager? I think it is all of them. I was wondering if there is an autism training center that could come in and work with my son. I am desperate at this point and will do anything to help my child to stay on the right track, I worry that he is headed for suicide or prison. I am very concerned for him, he’s happy as long as I cater to him, but when I stand up for what I think is right he rebels and I pay dearly. Please help.

Answer

Parents of High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) children/teens will face many behavior problems (e.g., aggression and violent behavior, anger, depression, and many other problematic behaviors). Part of the problem stems from (a) the conflict between longings for social contact and (b) an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships.
 

HFA and AS adolescents possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
  • Adolescents with the disorder tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these adolescents even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
  • These teenagers rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These young people may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
  • Adolescents on the autism spectrum often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that adolescents with Aspergers can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their HFA or AS teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
  • They can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as adolescents on the spectrum may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
  • Social conventions are a confusing maze for adolescents with the disorder. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.

Focus on prevention and on helping your son to develop communication skills and develop a healthy self-esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger.

Anger is often prevalent in HFA and AS when rituals can't get accomplished or when the teen's need for order or symmetry can't be met. Frustration (over little things that usually don't bother others) can lead to anger and sometimes violent outbursts. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having their needs met.

Rest assured, communication skills and friendship skills can be taught to teens (and even adults) on the spectrum, which can eliminate some of the social isolation they feel. This can avert or reverse many anger control issues.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...


PARENTS'  COMMENTS:

*   Anonymous said... I'd like to say to you this. My son has Aspergers/Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He too present with anger, negativity and outbursts with authority figures. One thing I learned early on, NEVER walk on broken glass waiting to get cut! Never let things go with ease to avaoid a melt down. Set clear limits he understands with clear consequences he also understands. Get your child the help hhe needs NOW before it's too late with the laws in your State. Many parents of Spectrum children do not understand the Laws that protect the child and hinder the parents. As with my son, at the age of 14 in our State children have the RIGHT to not participate in therapy of any sort including Mental Health Services. If and when your child is made aware of the Laws you should be prepared as we were not as we did not even know the Law existed. My son is as I've said now 17. He is reminded daily that no matter what his diagnosis are, he is bound by the same laws as the rest of the world. Dealing with anger outbursts are horrifying to say the least. It takes a toll on your entire family dynamics. Having a younger child watch this behavior will lead them to issues with outbursts as well. I also have a 7 yr old who learns from his brothers behavior. We do the same, set limits, make rules and make consequences clearly understood and FOLLOW THROUGH! NEVER let your guilt for the diagnosis to interfere with following through! This will by far be your biggest mistake. For yourself, establish a support system, keep time for yourself, try to stay positive at all times and again use your support system. If and when violence erupts, call the police to intervene and make sure they are aware of the diagnosis before they arrive for it can cause a bigger problem as well as a negative outcome all around.
 
•    Anonymous said… Communication is hard and understanding is wanted. Those that act out are in pain themselves..
 
•    Anonymous said… I have been dealing with this for 16 years. Therapy is a on going process. If the behavior is out of control. I would suggest a inpatient treatment facility. This will allow for continued therapy and behavior modification. Trust me.. I know this well. You are not along.
 
•    Anonymous said… I know this comment may sound soft and shallow, but believe me, as a single parent of an autistic/Asperger's son prone to violent outbursts just like the rest of you, all I can offer is for you the parent to take care of yourself. For me it was Transcendental Meditation. It calms me like nothing else and for some bizarre reason it calms my son, even though he's not the one meditating. I'm not affiliated and not trying to pitch them, but you need to do something CALMING for yourself. Every child is different and requires a unique strategy to cope, and so does every parent. Bless everyone here and let's try to keep our heads and hearts clear.
 
•    Anonymous said… Well i give my son 1 for being good and its been working i got him on ssi and he had outbursts 3 times before i decided this and i took one day at a time and for 5 days my son been good no outbursts and i give him options too like if he cant do something for a example my son he wanted to go yesterday to dollar General i said play on ur phone or color or drawl or eat popsicle something to distract him from what he wants til u can do it when ur ready . Take 1day at a time and be calm with him at all times i just started this 2 months ago and im handling it pretty well and he has asperger's and odd so i understand
 
•    Anonymous said… Wow! My son is 15 and this is my life right now, although luckily without the physical aggression. I have to admit it is nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these severe behavior issues!
 
•    Anonymous said… your beautiful boy sounds like my 8yr old grand son , but these kids live in a completely different world to ours they like to do what they do eat what they eat and if left alone they survive just as well as if we never said a word the more we tell them and yell the worse they get .I have seen the outbursts and man its scary .
 
*     Anonymous said... Not enough focus on reaching out to others on the spectrum, other teens getting together. Organized by the supports already in place to have purposed get togethers for the teens. They just don't cut it , in high school. Highschool is a dead bully zone. Kids there are mean mean mean, if anyone is a bit 'off' they can make their life miserable, too miserable. I would not have my kid enter high school at all, and focus on get togethers with other aspergers kids, and just do it that way, engaging them in activities in the community.

*     Anonymous said...I really dont know what to do my 12 year old shouts at me and says the most horrible things most days and calls me and her sister names im a single mum of 3 and finding it hard to cope ive asked for help since she was 4 and no one does anything she has no therapy and we have no help at all just me because while at school etc she wants to be the same as everyone else she tells them shes fine and the works ok but what she does is bottle all her anxieties frustrations things that havent gone as shes wanted all day etc and lets rip at me when she gest home if something isnt how she wants or she cant have what she wants or things dont go as she expects she has meltdowns that can last hours ive said i will speak to school to see if there is anything they can do to help us she said if i speak to school or anyone else about her shes going to tell them i hit and hurt her i dont do either but do have to hold her when in meltdown to prevent her hurting herself me or someone else or damaging property until shes in either a safer place or calms down i have had a dislocated shoulder a torn rotary cuff in my shoulder which needed surgery to repair and still has limited movement shes broken 3 of my toes and i often end up bruised and sore muscles i have health conditions that mean the above and stress makes me really poorly she knows this but in meltdown does not care at all i do not hit h.  Id stayed out on sat nt my mum had her for the night so i could have a day/nt off her nanna treated her to sweets her favourote programme then on the way home took her clothes shopping she had a good time id been home 10 min and she'd reduced me to tears with shouting at me and calling me names and i got up this morning to the same today i really dont know what to do im so tired and drain from it all ���� im worried about what her future will be

Please post your comment below…

By

Helping Aspergers Students Deal with Anger: Advice for Teachers

Aspergers (high functioning autistic) kid’s anger presents challenges to educators committed to constructive, ethical, and effective youngster guidance. This post explores what we know about the components of Aspergers kid’s anger, factors contributing to understanding and managing anger, and the ways educators can guide kid’s expressions of anger.

Three Components of Anger—

Anger is believed to have three components (Lewis & Michalson, 1983):

The Emotional State of Anger. The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe several types of stress-producing anger provocations that young kids face daily in classroom interactions:
  • Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking kid’s property or invading their space.
  • Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that kids do something that they do not want to do--for instance, wash their hands.
  • Physical assault, which involves one youngster doing something to another youngster, such as pushing or hitting.
  • Rejection, which involves a youngster being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
  • Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.

Expression of Anger—

The second component of anger is its expression. Some kids vent or express anger through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in non-aggressive ways. Still other kids express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some kids express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Other kids express anger through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. And some kids use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.

Educators can use youngster guidance strategies to help Aspergers students express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. Kids develop ideas about how to express emotions (Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some Aspergers students have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger (Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, when confronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A major challenge for early childhood educators is to encourage Aspergers students to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.

An Understanding of Anger—

The third component of the anger experience is understanding - interpreting and evaluating - the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of the emotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because kid’s ability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, Aspergers students need guidance from educators and parents in understanding and managing their feelings of anger.

Understanding and Managing Anger—

The development of basic cognitive processes undergirds kid’s gradual development of the understanding of anger (Lewis & Saarni, 1985).

Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors—Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young kids provides a base for early childhood educators who can develop strategies to nurture kid’s emerging ability to regulate the expression of anger.

Memory—Memory improves substantially during early childhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young kids to better remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions. Aspergers students who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after educators help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that educators may have to remind some Aspergers students, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.

Language—Talking about emotions helps young Aspergers students understand their feelings (Brown & Dunn, 1996). The understanding of emotion in preschool kids is predicted by overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Educators can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because kid’s families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.

Guiding Kid’s Expressions of Anger—

Educators can help Aspergers students deal with anger by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The practices described here can help Aspergers students understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and non-aggressive way.

Communicate with Moms and Dads—Some of the same strategies employed to talk with moms and dads about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helping Aspergers students learn to express emotions. For example, articles about learning to use words to label anger can be included in a newsletter to moms and dads.

Create a Safe Emotional Climate—A healthy early childhood setting permits kids to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.

Encourage Kids to Label Feelings of Anger—Educators and parents can help young Aspergers students produce a label for their anger by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

Encourage Kids to Talk About Anger-Arousing Interactions—Preschool kids better understand anger and other emotions when adults explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When Aspergers students are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, educators can help by listening without judging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.

Help Kids Develop Self-Regulatory Skills—Educators of infants and toddlers do a lot of self-regulation "work," realizing that the Aspergers students in their care have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As Aspergers students get older, adults can gradually transfer control of the self to kids, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.

Model Responsible Anger Management—Aspergers students have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of anger (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Adults who are most effective in helping Aspergers students manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.

Use Books and Stories about Anger to Help Kids Understand and Manage Anger—Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate kid’s feelings and give information about anger (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995). It is important to preview all books about anger because some stories teach irresponsible anger management.

Aspergers students guided toward responsible anger management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor anger management (Eisenberg et al., 1991). Educators can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing anger by adopting positive guidance strategies.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

The Traits of High-Functioning Autism: Fact Sheet

Is there a detailed list of traits associated with high functioning autism that we can use as a gauge to see whether or not to have our child assessed?


A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's often has many of the following traits:
  1. Has a different form of introspection and self-consciousness
  2. Has a fascination with a topic that is unusual in intensity or focus
  3. Takes longer to process social information due to using intelligence rather than intuition
  4. Needs assistance with some self-help and organizational skills
  5. Enjoys a very brief and low intensity expression of affection, and becomes confused or overwhelmed when greater levels of expression are experienced or expected
  6. Collects facts and figures about a specific topic
  7. Has a tendency to be considered disrespectful and rude by others
  8. Has a tendency to make a literal interpretation of what someone says
  9. Has an unusual profile of learning abilities
  10. Teachers often identify problems with organizational abilities, especially with homework assignments and essays
  11. Teachers soon recognize that the child has a distinctive learning style, being talented in understanding the logical and physical world, noticing details, and remembering and arranging facts in a systematic fashion
  12. Often has levels of anxiety, depression or anger that indicate a secondary mood disorder
  13. Can be easily distracted, especially in the classroom
  14. When problem solving, the child appears to have a one-track mind and a fear of failure
  15. Has a different, but not defective, way of thinking
  16. Is clumsy in terms of gait and coordination
  17. Has a delay in the development of the art of persuasion, compromise and conflict resolution
  18. Has delayed social maturity and social reasoning
  19. Has difficulty reading the messages in someone’s eyes
  20. Has difficulty making friends
  21. Is often teased by peers due to his/her “odd” mannerisms
  22. Has difficulty with the communication and control of emotions
  23. If the child with HFA is not successful socially at school, then academic success becomes more important as the primary motivation to attend school and for the development of self-esteem
  24. In adolescence, the interests can evolve to include electronics and computers, fantasy literature, science fiction, and a fascination with a particular person
  25. Much of the knowledge associated with the child's special interest is self-directed and self-taught
  26. Is vulnerable to feeling depressed, with about 1 in 3 HFA children having clinical depression
  27. Experiences physical and emotional exhaustion from socializing
  28. Has problems knowing when something may cause embarrassment to others
  29. Is remarkably honesty
  30. Has sensitivities to specific sounds, aromas, sights, tastes and touch 
  31. Can be immature in the development of the ability to catch, throw or kick a ball
  32. HFA girls often develop a special interest in fiction rather than facts 
  33. Often has academic abilities above his/her grade level
  34. Sometimes the special interest is a particular animal, and can be so intense that the child acts like the animal
  35. Has difficulties with handwriting
  36. Becomes hypervigilant, tense and distractible in sensory stimulating environments (e.g., in the classroom), unsure when the next painful sensory experience will occur
  37. The emotion management can be conceptualized as a problem with "energy management," specifically an excessive amount of emotional energy, and difficulty controlling and releasing the energy constructively
  38. Emotional maturity is usually at least three years behind that of his/her peers
  39. The special interest can be a source of enjoyment, knowledge, self-identity and self-esteem that can be constructively used by parents, teachers and therapists
  40. The most common sensory sensitivity is to very specific sounds
  41. There can be an under- or over- reaction to the experience of pain and discomfort
  42. The sense of balance, movement perception, and body orientation can be unusual
  43. May have a fixation on something neither human nor toy, or a fascination with a specific category of objects and the acquisition of as many examples as possible
  44. The child’s overriding priority may be to solve a problem rather than satisfy the social or emotional needs of others
  45. The child is usually renowned for being direct, speaking his/her mind and being determined and having a strong sense of social justice
  46. The child may actively seek and enjoy solitude, be a loyal friend, and have a distinct sense of humor
  47. The child usually has a strong desire to seek knowledge, truth and perfection with a different set of priorities than would be expected with "typical" children 
  48. The child values being creative rather than co-operative
  49. Can have difficulty with the management and expression of emotions
  50. May perceive errors that are not apparent to others, giving considerable attention to detail rather than noticing the “big picture”
  51. The child's special interest has several functions: to (a) create a sense of identity, (b) create an alternative world, (c) ensure greater predictability and certainty in life, (d) facilitate conversation and indicate intellectual ability, (e) help understand the physical world, (f) overcome anxiety, (g) provide pleasure, and (h) provide relaxation
  52. There seems to be two main categories of special interest: collections, and the acquisition of knowledge on a specific topic or concept
  53. Has a limited vocabulary to describe emotions, and a lack of subtlety and variety in emotional expression
  54. Tends to have a different perception of situations and sensory experiences
  55. May have problems expressing the degree of love and affection expected by others
  56. Unusual language abilities that include advanced vocabulary and syntax, but delayed conversation skills, unusual prosody, and a tendency to be pedantic
  57. Unusual or special interests can develop as early as age 2 to 3 years and may commence with a preoccupation with parts of objects (e.g., spinning the wheels of toy cars) or manipulating electrical switches
  58. HFA traits are more conspicuous in early childhood and gradually diminish during adolescence, but some traits remain throughout adulthood
  59. When one considers the attributes associated with the special interests, it is important to consider not only the benefits to the HFA child, but also the benefits to society
  60. The child’s coordination can be immature. and he/she may have a strange, sometimes idiosyncratic gait that lacks fluency and efficiency
 

If most of the traits above characterize your child, then an assessment by a qualified professional would be in order.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book




By

Setting Effective Boundaries with Children on the Autism Spectrum

“I have a 6-year-old daughter, Kayla, with HFA. My husband and I are having a terrible time knowing when to set limits with her. She is often critical of herself (and me) …is a very sensitive child …it doesn’t take much to get her very upset and then she becomes aggressive. Sometimes I feel I’m being too hard on her and damaging her self-esteem. But other times I feel I’m not being tough enough which is spoiling her. How do I walk the fine line between too much punishment and not enough?”

Being empathetic doesn't mean always giving your high functioning autistic daughter what she wants. But when she is being refused another handful of candy, or disciplined for pushing her brother, or trying to scratch you, the limit-setting needs to be done in a firm, but very gentle, manner. Gentle boundaries coupled with empathy and flexibility will gradually help your “sensitive” daughter be less critical of you and herself.

Expand your daughter's dialogue about what comforts and what bothers her. For instance, say she doesn't like the way you put her dress on. So you try again, only this time you ask her to help direct you so that you are exchanging lots of words and gestures and, at the same time, following her general guidelines. This tends to ease the tension.

Trying too hard to get it "right," or putting the dress on her in a forceful or irritated fashion, will start a power struggle. As you build your daughter’s trust and confidence in you, she begins to see you as a colleague who can help her, rather than as an adversary out to get her.



In response to the advice above, parents often tell me they fear they will overindulge or spoil their son or daughter and worsen the demanding behavior by being so understanding. I tell them that “you can't spoil ‘special needs’ children by helping them to feel more secure. Instead, you spoil them by not setting boundaries.”

Underneath your “spoiled” daughter is a girl who thinks, "I can't get the boundaries I need. I have to push more and more and more because nothing works." But you need to set boundaries on her aggression, not on her need for comfort and security. You don't set boundaries and soothe at the same time. And you need a lot of patience (not an easy task to accomplish).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

In setting boundaries, take advantage of your daughter's debating skills to hash-out rules, rewards, and consequences in advance together. Try to avoid surprises – and avoid throwing a temper tantrum yourself. Also, it is best to try to avoid situations where the family becomes so stressed and exhausted that you and your husband stop nurturing each other and a great deal of anger develops in the family.

Under those conditions, one parent commonly tries to overprotect the child in an anxious, hovering way, unsettling the child with needy intrusiveness. And the other parent, feeling deprived and jealous, often becomes overly punitive with the child. It's only when you and your husband have your own needs met that you can be truly gentle and collaborative in setting the required boundaries.

For young people on the autism spectrum, the general parenting-goal is to be warm, soothing, and respectful as much as possible. Meet your daughter’s inflexibility with flexibility. For example, you're helping tie her shoes. She pulls her foot away and says, "That’s too tight, stupid. That hurts my foot!" Instead of saying, "Don't talk to me that way!" …you can pause and say, "I guess your foot is a bit sensitive," as you tie her shoe one more time, saying, "Is this way better?"

At another time (when she isn't feeling so fussy), you can raise the more general issue of why she gets so angry at you and calls you "stupid" whenever you're not "perfect." Here, you can help her reflect on the fact that maybe she is being extra hard on you. As you help her see this pattern and encourage her to become more flexible, remember that she is probably being harder on herself, calling herself "stupid" or worse.

For this reason, your defensive stance (e.g., "Don’t talk to me that way!"), and then getting angry over your daughter’s spoiled, insensitive behavior not only doesn't work, but actually strengthens her rebelliousness. Whatever your daughter is doing to you, she is probably doing worse to herself. When you come down on her too hard, you may only intensify her self-criticism – and probably even self-hatred. Empathy and flexibility, coupled with quiet explanations, help her see that she is being hard on both you and herself.




Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 


 COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... Been there, did some damage to that self esteem and it took years to get it back! Good luck, every child is different, just hang in there!!
•    Anonymous said... I feel the same way. It's like groundhogs day every day with my 3 on the Spectrum. I'm so tired of it all.
•    Anonymous said... Our best line is First this then you get to do this... most times it goes like this, "First you listen and obey and go get redy for bed, then you can come back and watch 10 minutes of TV. most times it is also smaller conversations. He usually need it broken down into small small tasks. First you apoligize then you can..... do......etc etc
•    Anonymous said... remeber that asperger kids are VERY literal and consitance is one of the most important factors! We have an 8 year old who is High Functioning Autisum (Aspergers), ADHD and Anexity disorder. We are very strict with what behavior is aceptable and what is not. We have a 9 year old with no issues and what rules I have for him I have for my 8 year old as well. I think where the big difference is when my 8 year old has a tantrum I am more understanding where my 9 year old it doesnt fly. When ever Jake gets upset we very comly tell him to go to his room and get himself under control. Sometimes It takes 10 min other times he throws such a fit he falls asleep. Now we have been doing this ever sicne he was about 4 and didnt get his diagnoses until he was 6 almost 7. Once he calms down we try to talk about what happened. He got upset the other night because his brother asked for ice cream and served him self and he was man because I didnt remind him that he could have ice cream. So he comes up with the solution the next night he gets to have ice cream and his brother doesnt. I just laugh and he goes about his merry way. You have to remember when you are discussing things their perception of this will be different but hearing their side of things makes them feel better. We work with a therapist every other week on the really hard issues Like Hitting when he gets upset and yelling at teachers or adults. Remember they live in a black and white world and they do not understand gray areas. I guess the best we can do is try to teach them to reconise the gray area and maybe things will be better. Hang in there, I have found that with the strick guidelines he is much happier!!!
•    Anonymous said... This is an excellent post! I especially like: "But you need to set boundaries on her aggression, not on her need for comfort and security." The author's ideas and examples of Authoritative parenting (high warmth, appropriate discipline) are not only good for special needs children but for any parent.
•    Anonymous said... This is exactly how I used to feel, don't get me wrong I still feel feel like this sometimes. It's a tough situation to be in. One thing I have learnt is I have to be strict, otherwise it confuses my 8 year old son who has suspected aspergers. He can't think outside of the box, so if I was to tell him after he had done something wrong "don't do that again please" he wouldn't learn from it unless I give him a consequence and follow through with whatever punishment I have told him he will get the next time he does it. There was one time where I felt like all I was doing was telling him off constantly, it used to make me feel so depressed and full of guilt, but I new that I had to be strict otherwise he will grow up and think it's ok to behave badly wherever he goes. Eventually overtime it does comes right. I felt awful at first being so strict, I felt like I was knocking my child self esteem. But if I didn't follow through with what I had told my child, all it does is create mixed messages for him in an already confusing world and makes all the long term situations a million times harder to deal with because he doesn't know where the boundaries are. Things are a lot more better now and I'm so glad I stuck to my guns with my son (even though it hurt me at the time to have to be so strict) I hardly ever need to tell him off anymore and my relationship just feels a lot more calmer/closer towards my son now.
•    Anonymous said... This is my God-daughter every day. She makes big strides to have good behavior, but she has a least one meltdown a day. And then once she calms down, she gets worked up again because she couldn't control herself. The more stressed she gets, the more aggressive she gets. The more you try to correct or punish her the worse she feels. It's like a never ending spiral. *sigh* But she handles it with as much grace as possible. And I'm so proud of her, she still tries to make her own coping skills and to work on her temper. She's only 7! Great post, keep hanging in there, keep your patience, and breathe! Lol
•    Anonymous said... When my son starts to get aggressively angry, I reiterate that this conversation has ended when we start yelling. So time out, think it through and when you decide you can calmly have this conversation we will pick it back up but until then..this is going nowhere fast. Trying to be assertive without coming across demanding. Sometimes time to calm down and think things through helps my son. Not always but.. Sometimes it works.
*   Anonymous said... This is an excellent post! I especially like: "But you need to set boundaries on her aggression, not on her need for comfort and security." Your sensitive ideas and examples of Authoritative (high warmth and appropriate discipline) are excellent for all parents, not just parents of children with special needs. Well done!

Post your comment below…
By

Depression in Teenagers with Autism Spectrum Disorder [Level 1]

"How have some of you dealt with a depressed teenager? My autistic son is 16 (high functioning) and a loner. His self-esteem is shot, and we're worried. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!"

Adolescents suffer from depression more often than any number of grown-ups who live their entire lives with it. Moms and dads are generally dismissive of their child’s low moods, because they think that ALL teenagers are simply moody, hormonal, or tired and cranky. 
 
This dismissive attitude generally results in teenagers being even more depressed, because they think their mother or father doesn’t care. Take that in combination with adolescents with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS) who have very little impulse control as it is, and you have a horrible combination.

Depression is a serious medical problem that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest in activities. It affects how your teenage son or daughter thinks, feels and behaves, and it can cause emotional, functional and physical problems. Although mood disorders like depression can occur at any time in life, symptoms are significantly more pronounced in adolescents than grown-ups. To make matters worse, the HFA/AS teen’s depressive symptoms are usually more pronounced than that of a “typical” teen.

Issues such as peer pressure, peer rejection, bullying, academic expectations and changing bodies can bring a lot of ups and downs for HFA and AS adolescents. But for some of these young people, the lows are more than just temporary feelings — they're a symptom of depression. Adolescent depression isn't a weakness or something that can be overcome with willpower — it can have serious consequences and requires long-term treatment. For most HFA and AS adolescents, depression symptoms ease with treatment (e.g., medication and psychological counseling).



Adolescent depression signs and symptoms include changes in your HFA/AS adolescent's emotions and behavior, such as the examples below. Be alert for emotional and behavioral changes, such as:
  • Agitation or restlessness (e.g., pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still)
  • Changes in appetite (e.g., decreased appetite and weight loss, or increased cravings for food and weight gain)
  • Disruptive or risky behavior
  • Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure, and the need for excessive reassurance
  • Feelings of sadness, which can include crying spells for no apparent reason
  • Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, fixation on past failures or exaggerated self-blame or self-criticism
  • Frequent complaints of unexplained body aches and headaches, which may include frequent visits to the school nurse
  • Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
  • Insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Irritability, frustration or feelings of anger, even over small matters
  • Loss of interest in, or conflict with, family and friends
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
  • Neglected appearance (e.g., mismatched clothes and unkempt hair)
  • Ongoing sense that life and the future are grim and bleak
  • Poor school performance or frequent absences from school
  • Self-harm (e.g., cutting, burning, or excessive piercing or tattooing)
  • Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  • Tiredness and loss of energy
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  • Use of alcohol or drugs


It can be difficult to tell the difference between (a) ups and downs that are just part of being a young person and (b) full-blown depression. Talk with your teenage son or daughter. Try to determine whether your youngster seems capable of managing challenging feelings, or if life seems overwhelming. If depression symptoms continue or begin to interfere in your HFA/AS adolescent's life, talk to a physician or a mental health professional trained to work with these teens. Your adolescent's family physician is a good place to start. Your adolescent's school may recommend someone as well.

If you suspect your “special needs” son or daughter is depressed, make a physician's appointment as soon as you can. Depression symptoms likely won't get better on their own — and they may get worse or lead to other problems if untreated. Depressed adolescents may be at risk of suicide, even if signs and symptoms don't appear to be severe.  If you're an adolescent and you think you may be depressed — or you have a friend who may be depressed — don't wait to get help. Talk to a health care professional such as your physician or school nurse. Share your concerns with a mother or father, a close friend, your pastor, a teacher or someone else you trust.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and HFA Teens

If your teenage son or daughter is having suicidal thoughts, get help right away. Take all talk of suicide seriously. Here are some steps you can take:
  • Seek help from your physician, a mental health provider or other health care professional.
  • Reach out to family members, friends or spiritual leaders for support as you seek treatment for your HFA/AS adolescent.
  • Call a suicide hotline number — in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor or encourage your HFA/AS adolescent to do so.

If you think your teenage son or daughter is in immediate danger of self-harm or attempting suicide, make sure someone stays with her or him. Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Or if you think you can do so safely, take your HFA/AS adolescent to the nearest hospital emergency department.

It's not known exactly what causes depression. A variety of factors may be involved. These include:
  • Learned patterns of negative thinking. Adolescent depression may be linked to learning to feel helpless — rather than learning to feel capable of finding solutions for life's challenges.
  • Inherited traits. Depression is more common in individuals whose biological (blood) relatives also have the condition.
  • Hormones. Changes in the body's balance of hormones may be involved in causing or triggering depression.
  • Early childhood trauma. Traumatic events during childhood (e.g., physical or emotional abuse, loss of a mother or father, etc.) may cause changes in the brain that make a teenager more susceptible to depression.
  • Biological chemistry. Neurotransmitters are naturally occurring brain chemicals that likely play a role in depression. When these chemicals are out of balance, it may lead to depression symptoms.

Many factors increase the risk of developing or triggering adolescent depression, including:
  • Abusing alcohol, nicotine or other drugs
  • Being a female (depression occurs more often in females than in males)
  • Being bullied or rejected by peers
  • Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (becoming socially isolated or experiencing bullying may increase the risk of depression)
  • Having a chronic medical illness (e.g., cancer, diabetes or asthma)
  • Having been the victim or witness of violence (e.g., physical or sexual abuse)
  • Having certain personality traits (e.g., low self-esteem or being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic)
  • Having few friends or other personal relationships
  • Having issues that negatively impact self-esteem (e.g., obesity, peer problems, long-term bullying or academic problems)
  • Having other conditions (e.g., anxiety disorder, anorexia or bulimia, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder or learning disabilities)

Family history and issues with family or others may also increase your HFA/AS adolescent's risk of depression:
  • Having a dysfunctional family and conflict
  • Having a family member who committed suicide
  • Having a mother or father, grandparent or other biological (blood) relative with autism, depression, bipolar disorder or alcoholism
  • Having experienced recent stressful life events (e.g., parental divorce, parental military service or the death of a loved one)

Untreated depression can result in emotional, behavioral and health problems that affect every area of your HFA/AS adolescent's life. Complications related to adolescent depression can include:
  • Academic problems
  • Alcohol and drug abuse
  • Family conflicts and relationship difficulties
  • Involvement with the juvenile justice system
  • Low self-esteem
  • Social isolation
  • Suicide

You may choose to start by contacting your HFA/AS adolescent's family physician. In some cases, you may be referred directly to a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist.

To the extent possible, involve your teenage son or daughter in preparing for the appointment. Then make a list of:
  • Questions that you and your HFA/AS adolescent want to ask the physician
  • Key personal information, including any major stresses or recent life changes your HFA/AS adolescent has experienced
  • Any symptoms your adolescent has had, including any that may seem unrelated to the reason you scheduled the appointment
  • All medications, vitamins, herbal remedies or supplements that your HFA/AS adolescent is taking

Basic questions to ask the physician include:
  • Are there any possible side effects with the medications you're recommending?
  • Are there any printed materials that we can take home?
  • Are there any restrictions that my adolescent needs to follow?
  • How will we monitor progress and effectiveness of the treatment?
  • Is depression the most likely cause of my youngster's symptoms?
  • Is there a generic alternative to the medicine you're prescribing?
  • My adolescent has these other health conditions. Could they be linked to depression?
  • Should my adolescent see a psychiatrist or other mental health provider?
  • What are other possible causes for my youngster's symptoms or condition?
  • What are the alternatives to the primary approach that you're suggesting?
  • What kinds of tests will my youngster need?
  • What treatment is likely to work best?
  • What websites do you recommend?
  • Will making changes in diet, exercise or other areas help ease depression?

To make the most of the time allotted, make sure your HFA/AS son or daughter is ready to answer questions from the physician, for example:
  • Are you using any mood-altering substances, such as alcohol, marijuana or street drugs?
  • Do you ever have suicidal thoughts when you're feeling down?
  • Do you generally always feel down, or does your mood change?
  • Do you have a history of significant weight gain or loss?
  • Do you have any biological (blood) relatives — such as a mother or father or grandparent — with depression or another mood disorder?
  • Does your mood ever swing from feeling down to feeling extremely happy and full of energy?
  • How long have you felt depressed?
  • How much do you sleep at night? Does the amount change over time?
  • How severe are your symptoms? Do they interfere with school, relationships or other day-to-day activities?
  • What is your diet like?
  • What other mental or physical health conditions do you have?
  • What, if anything, appears to worsen your symptoms?
  • What, if anything, seems to improve your symptoms?
  • When did family members or friends first notice your symptoms of depression?

When adolescent depression is suspected, the physician will generally do these exams and tests:
  • Lab tests. For example, your HFA/AS adolescent's physician may do a blood test called a complete blood count, or test your teen’s thyroid to make sure it's functioning properly.
  • Physical exam. The physician may do a physical exam and ask in-depth questions about your HFA/AS adolescent's health to determine what may be causing depression. In some cases, depression may be linked to an underlying physical health problem.
  • Psychological evaluation. This evaluation will include a discussion with your son or daughter about thoughts, feelings and behavior, and may include a questionnaire. These will help pinpoint a diagnosis and check for related complications.


To be diagnosed with depression, your teenage son or daughter must meet the symptom criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association. This manual is used by mental health providers to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

Symptoms can be based on your HFA/AS adolescent's feelings or on the observations of someone else. For a diagnosis of major depression, the following symptoms must occur most of the day, nearly every day, during at least a two-week period, and be a change or worsening in the adolescent's usual attitude and behavior.

Your adolescent must have at least one of the following:
  • Diminished interest or feeling no pleasure in any or most activities
  • Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty or tearful (in adolescence, depressed mood can appear as constant irritability)

Your adolescent must also have four or more of the following:
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive or inappropriate guilt
  • Insomnia or increased desire to sleep
  • Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, making a suicide plan or a suicide attempt
  • Restlessness or slowed behavior that can be observed by others
  • Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in adolescence, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression)
  • Trouble making decisions, thinking or concentrating

To be considered major depression:
  • Symptoms are not caused by grieving (e.g., temporary sadness after the loss of a loved one)
  • Symptoms are not due to the direct effects of something else (e.g., drug abuse, taking a medication or having a medical condition such as hypothyroidism)
  • Symptoms aren't due to a mixed episode, which is mania along with depression that sometimes occurs as a symptom of bipolar disorder
  • Symptoms must be severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities (e.g., school, social activities or relationships with others)

Other types of major depression include:
  • Psychotic depression. This is severe depression accompanied by psychotic symptoms, such as delusions or hallucinations.
  • Dysthymia. Dysthymia is a less severe, but more long-term form of depression. While it's usually not disabling, dysthymia can prevent your teenage son or daughter from functioning normally in a daily routine and from living life to the fullest.
  • Atypical depression. In this type of depression, key signs and symptoms include increased hunger, weight gain, sleeping a lot, feeling that your arms and legs are heavy, and difficulty maintaining relationships.

 ==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and HFA Teens

There are several other conditions with symptoms that can include depression. It's important to get an accurate diagnosis so that your HFA/AS adolescent gets appropriate treatment. Your physician or mental health provider's evaluation will help determine if the symptoms of depression are caused by one of the following conditions:
  • Adjustment disorder. An adjustment disorder is a severe emotional reaction to a difficult event in your life. It's a type of stress-related mental illness that may affect feelings, thoughts and behavior.
  • Bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by mood swings that range from the highs of mania to the lows of depression. It's sometimes difficult to distinguish between bipolar disorder and depression, but it's important to get an accurate diagnosis because treatment for bipolar disorder is different from that for other types of depression.
  • Cyclothymia. Cyclothymia, or cyclothymic disorder, is a milder form of bipolar disorder.
  • Schizoaffective disorder. Schizoaffective disorder is a condition in which a person meets the criteria for both schizophrenia and a mood disorder such as depression.
  • Seasonal affective disorder. This type of depression is related to changes in seasons and diminished exposure to sunlight.

Many types of treatment are available. In some cases, a primary care physician can prescribe medications that relieve depression symptoms. However, many adolescents need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist or other mental health counselor. A combination of medications and psychotherapy is very effective for most HFA/AS adolescents with depression.

If your teenage son or daughter has severe depression or is in danger of self-harm, she or he may need a hospital stay or may need to participate in an outpatient treatment program until symptoms improve.

Antidepressants and increased suicide risk— Although antidepressants are generally safe when taken asdirected, the FDA requires that all antidepressants carry "black box" warnings, the strictest warnings for prescriptions. In some cases, kids, teens and young people under the age of 25 may have an increase in suicidal thoughts or behavior when taking antidepressants, especially in the first few weeks after starting or when the dose is changed. So, individuals in these age groups must be closely monitored by parents and health care providers.  If your son or daughter has suicidal thoughts while taking an antidepressant, immediately contact your physician or get emergency help.  For most HFA/AS adolescents, the benefits of taking an antidepressant generally outweigh any possible risks. In the long run, antidepressants are likely to reduce suicidal thinking or behavior.

Antidepressants and pregnancy— If your teenage daughter is pregnant or breast-feeding, some antidepressants may pose an increased health risk to her unborn or nursing youngster. If your daughter becomes pregnant, make certain she talks to her physician about antidepressant medications and managing depression during pregnancy.

Finding the right medication— Everyone's different, so finding the right medication or dose for your HFA/AS son or daughter may take some trial and error. This requires patience, as some medications need eight weeks or longer to take full effect and for side effects to ease as the body adjusts.  If your adolescent has bothersome side effects, she or he shouldn't stop taking an antidepressant without talking to the physician first. Some antidepressants can cause withdrawal symptoms unless the dose is slowly tapered off — quitting suddenly may cause a sudden worsening of depression. Encourage your adolescent not to give up. If antidepressant treatment doesn't seem to be working, your adolescent's physician may recommend a blood test called cytochrome P450 (CYP450) to check for specific genes that affect how the body processes antidepressants. This may help identify which antidepressant might be a good choice. However, these genetic tests have limitations and may not be widely available.

Hospitalization and other treatment programs— In some HFA and AS adolescents, depression is so severe that a hospital stay is needed, especially if your son or daughter is in danger of self-harm or hurting someone else. Getting psychiatric treatment at a hospital can help keep your adolescent calm and safe until symptoms are better managed. Day treatment programs also may help. These programs provide the support and counseling needed while your adolescent gets depression symptoms under control.

Managing medications— Carefully monitor your HFA/AS adolescent's use of medications. To work properly, antidepressants need to be taken consistently at the prescribed dose. Because overdose can be a risk for adolescents with depression, your adolescent's physician may prescribe only small supplies of pills at a time, or recommend that you dole out medication so that your son or daughter does not have a large amount of pills available at once.

Medications— Because studies on the effects of antidepressants in HFA and AS adolescents are limited, physicians rely mainly on adult research when prescribing medications. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved two medications for adolescent depression — fluoxetine (Prozac) and escitalopram (Lexapro). However, as with grown-ups, other medications may be prescribed at the physician's discretion (off label), depending on your HFA/AS adolescent's needs. Talk with your adolescent's physician and pharmacist about possible side effects, weighing the benefits and risks. In some cases, side effects may go away as the body adjusts to the medication.

Psychotherapy— Psychotherapy is a general term for treating depression by talking about depression and related issues with a mental health provider. Psychotherapy may be done one-on-one, with family members, or in a group.  Through these regular sessions, your teenage son or daughter can:
  • explore relationships and experiences
  • find better ways to cope and solve problems
  • learn how to identify and make changes in unhealthy behaviors or thoughts
  • learn about the causes of depression
  • set realistic goals

Psychotherapy can help your son or daughter regain a sense of happiness and control, and help ease depression symptoms like hopelessness and anger. It may also help your HFA/AS adolescent adjust to a crisis or other current difficulty.




You are your adolescent's best advocate to help her or him succeed. Here are some steps you and your “special needs” child can take that may help:
  • Encourage communication with your HFA/AS adolescent. Talk to your son or daughter about the changes you're observing and emphasize your unconditional support. Create an environment where your youngster can share concerns while you listen.
  • Help the HFA/AS adolescent avoid alcohol and other drugs. Your son or daughter may feel like alcohol or drugs lessen depression symptoms, but in the long run they worsen symptoms and make depression harder to treat.
  • Learn about depression. Education can empower your teenage son or daughter and motivate her or him to stick to a treatment plan. It can also benefit you and other loved ones to learn about your adolescent's depression and understand that it's a treatable condition.
  • Make sure your HFA/AS adolescent adopts healthy habits. Even light physical activity can help reduce depression symptoms. Sleeping well is important for all adolescents, especially those with depression. If your teenage son or daughter is having trouble sleeping, ask the physician for advice.
  • Pay attention to warning signs. Work with your HFA/AS adolescent's physician or therapist to learn what might trigger depression symptoms. Make a plan so that you and your child know what to do if symptoms get worse. Ask family members or friends to help watch for warning signs.
  • Stick to the treatment plan. Make sure your HFA/AS son or daughter attends appointments, even if he or she doesn't feel like going. Even if your adolescent is feeling well, make sure he or she continues to take medications as prescribed. If your child stops taking medications, depression symptoms may come back. Quitting suddenly may cause withdrawal-like symptoms.

Avoid replacing conventional medical treatment or psychotherapy with alternative medicine. When it comes to depression, alternative treatments aren't a substitute for professional care. But some mind-body therapies may help.

Complementary and alternative medicine practitioners believe the mind and body must be in harmony to stay healthy. Examples of mind-body techniques that may be helpful for depression include:
  • Acupuncture
  • Guided imagery
  • Massage therapy
  • Meditation
  • Music or art therapy
  • Relaxation techniques
  • Spirituality
  • Yoga or tai chi

Relying solely on these therapies is generally not enough to treat depression. But they may be helpful when used in addition to medication and psychotherapy.

Showing interest and the desire to understand your HFA/AS adolescent's feelings lets her or him know you care. You may not understand why your adolescent feels hopeless or why she or he has a sense of loss or failure. Listen to your “special needs” child without judging and try to put yourself in his or her position. Help build your child’s self-esteem by recognizing small successes and offering praise about his or her competence.

Encourage your HFA/AS adolescent to:
  • Ask for help. Adolescents may be reluctant to seek support when life seems overwhelming. Encourage your son or daughter to talk to a family member or other trusted adult whenever needed.
  • Connect with other adolescents who struggle with depression. Talking with other adolescents facing similar challenges can help your son or daughter cope. So can learning skills to manage life's challenges. Local support groups for depression are available in many communities. And support groups for depression are offered online (but check them out to make sure they're credible and trustworthy sites).
  • Encourage your HFA/AS adolescent to keep a private journal. Journaling may help improve mood by allowing your child to express and work through pain, anger, fear or other emotions.
  • Have realistic expectations. Many adolescents judge themselves when they aren't able to live up to unrealistic standards (e.g., academically, in athletics, in appearance, etc.). Let your teenage son or daughter know that it's OK not to be perfect.
  • Make and keep healthy friendships. Positive relationships can help boost your HFA/AS adolescent's confidence and stay connected with others. Encourage her or him to avoid relationships with peers whose attitudes or behaviors could make depression worse.
  • Simplify life. Encourage your son or daughter to carefully choose obligations and commitments, and set reasonable goals. Let your child know that it's OK to do less when she or he feels down.
  • Stay active. Participation in sports, school activities or a job can help keep your teenage son or daughter focused on positive things, rather than negative feelings or behaviors.
  • Stay healthy. Do your part to make sure your child eats regular, healthy meals, gets regular exercise and gets plenty of sleep.
  • Structure time. Help your child plan activities by making lists or using a planner to stay organized.

There's no sure way to prevent depression. However, these strategies may help. Encourage your HFA/AS adolescent to:
  • Boost low self-esteem by recognizing small steps toward getting better.
  • Get treatment at the earliest sign of a problem to help prevent depression from worsening.
  • Maintain ongoing treatment, if recommended, even after symptoms let up, or have regular therapy sessions to help prevent a relapse of depression symptoms.
  • Reach out for friendship and social support, especially in times of crisis.
  • Take steps to control stress, for example, not committing to too many obligations at once.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
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