Pets and kids with Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can be a great combination and give these children an opportunity to relate to another living being. Children with behavioral and social issues can be difficult to work with, and most of them have trouble trusting others. Dogs, cats, elephants, lizards, rabbits and horses can successfully be used in animal therapy (called Animal Assisted Therapy).
Animal Assisted Therapy provides an experience with an animal that is non-judgmental, gives affection unconditionally, and provides opportunities for physical and emotional therapy. This includes therapy for strengthening muscles through horseback riding, low-impact swimming with dolphins, and a boost of confidence with service dogs and companion dogs. These pets promote confidence and self-esteem while motivating children on the autism spectrum to interact and get stronger.
There are many cases in which kids with Asperger's and HFA have close relationship with special pets (e.g., dogs, cats, rabbits, etc.). The violent tendencies of "special needs" kids disappear while they play with the pet. Having a pet often promotes a healthy personality in kids, including trusting, respecting, contributing, self-confidence, commitment and responsibility. It also can teach these kids problem-solving skills, decision-making skills, language and social skills.
A meta-analysis found that animal-assisted therapy is associated with improving medical difficulties, behavioral problems, and emotional problems in kids on the spectrum. They also report the following improvements in:
Attention skills (i.e., paying attention, staying on task)
Leisure/recreation skills
Reducing anxiety
Reducing loneliness
Self-esteem
Verbal interactions between group members
The research into Animal Assisted Therapy is relatively new, and professionals believe more research is needed. However, there's a general consensus that “therapy pets” aid in the treatment of kids with Asperger's and HFA. As with other types of animal assisted therapy, the introduction of the animal seems to calm and soothe these kids. Often, they begin making eye contact with the animal first, then with people. Therapy usually results in these kids becoming more open – first with the pets, and then with people.
Moms and dads often bring a pet into the family to teach their child a sense of responsibility, or perhaps to provide him/her with a playmate. But these kids often learn something more fundamental about themselves and the world: how to empathize with others, how to understand subtle feelings, and how to look at the world from a vastly different perspective. The youngster learns how the world and living things are interconnected.
On the emotional level, pets can teach autistic kids many things, including:
Communication: The kids learn the subtle cues their pets give them to indicate their feelings. They can later apply this lesson to human interaction because they are more attuned to watching for body posture.
Confidence: The kids go through life under constant evaluation. They are rated by their behavior, grades and athletic performance. This is especially true of middle school students. Pets have no such expectations; they're delighted that the youngster is with them. Pets give kids the sense of unconditional acceptance. No judging or rating is involved.
Empathy: The kids often become curious about the emotions their pets feel. This curiosity will extend itself to others. Animals offer an avenue for kids to explore their curiosity. For a youngster, curiosity can lead to hope and to greater engagement with the world around them.
Nurturing skills: If properly supervised by adults, a youngster learns how to take care of another living being, and take pleasure in keeping the pet healthy and happy.
Resilience to change: The kids who undergo traumatic experiences often cope better when they have a pet to confide in. Loneliness is very dangerous to kids. Having an animal companion can make them feel a part of something.
One study explored the relationship between pets and Asperger's kids. Specifically, the study, conducted by a child psychologist in New Mexico, looked at the effect dog ownership had on 10- to 12-year-olds. The researcher was surprised at the difference in empathy and self-esteem between pre-adolescents who owned a dog and those who did not. This research supported the growing body of evidence that shows dog ownership has statistically significant impact on self-esteem and sensitivity toward others. A pet has no such measures of success or failure; acceptance is total, which provides a sense of self worth.
Pets also teach these young people about the importance of taking care of themselves. For instance, one therapist says she teaches kids why it is important to take care of a pet, brush his teeth and keep him clean. When they understand the importance, the therapist turns the focus on the kids themselves. If brushing a dog's teeth is important for his health, then naturally it is important for the youngster's well being.
This doesn't necessarily mean that all kids with the disorder are ready for pet ownership. Moms and dads should first make sure their youngster desires a pet before rushing out to get one. Together, they should decide what type of pet is best. Moreover, don't assume your youngster will take care of the pet. The ultimate responsibility usually falls on the parent, not the kid, to make sure the pet is healthy.
As most of us with pets realize, pets can be a source of comfort and happiness. It is no surprise that they can also have therapeutic and healing benefits. The playful nature of pets seems to help bring kids with Asperger's and HFA out of isolation.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.
“How should I handle my teenage son’s emotional instability? Specifically, how can I tell the difference between 'normal' moodiness that occurs in adolescence and depression? My son seems to have significantly more ‘downs’ than ‘ups’. He’s usually very grouchy and pretty much stays to himself. Is this typical for teens with level 1 autism? Should I be concerned? What can I do to help?”
Moodiness and depression are common among teens in general. And young people with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are at even greater risk for these comorbid conditions. Teens on the autism spectrum have a “developmental disorder,” which means that their emotional age is significantly younger than their chronological age.
For example, the teenager may be 16-years-old, but still have the social skills of a 9-year-old. This dilemma causes problems for the teen due to the fact that he or she experiences great difficulty in relating to same-age peers, which in turn may result in rejection from the peer group – and this contributes largely to the AS or HFA teen’s lack of self-esteem and depression.
In addition, cognitive control systems lag behind emotional development making it hard for AS and HFA teens to cope with their emotions. Furthermore, beyond the biological factors, a lot of other changes are occurring during adolescence (e.g., experiencing first loves and breakups, butting heads with parents, start of high school, etc.). No wonder some teens on the spectrum struggle through this time in their life.
Unfortunately, other complicating factors are at play during the teenage years:
Difficulty with transitions— Largely due to the uneasy transition toward adulthood, most teens on the spectrum experience an increase in anxiety. It is during this time that they are dangling between the dependency of childhood and the responsibilities of adulthood. It can feel intimidating to prepare to leave high school, head off to college, or into the job market. All these factors induce more mood swings and anxiety in AS and HFA teens.
Peer-rejection— Many teens on the spectrum are deliberately excluded from social relationships among their age group. As a result, they often choose to isolate themselves, which makes a bad problem worse. A teenager who feels rejected often spends too much time playing video games and on social networking sites, thus losing touch with peers even more. Teens who are ostracized by their peers also tend to underachieve academically.
Poor social skills— Most young people with AS and HFA experience social skills deficits. As a result, interactions with peers become very unpleasant. The more they “fail” in connecting with peers, the more they isolate. They want to “fit-in” and be accepted, but simply haven’t figured out the social politics needed to find and keep friends.
Low self-esteem— Peer-group rejection results in a decline in their self-image, a state of despair, behavioral difficulties, loneliness and seclusion.
So as a parent, how do you know when to wait out the moods – and when to worry? The truth is that it's difficult to know, because every teenager is different. Rapid physiological changes are occurring during adolescence. Therefore, a degree of vacillation between "ups" and "downs" can be expected. However, there is big difference between teenage mood swings and genuine depression. The major symptoms of depression may include:
changes in appetite
episodes of moping and crying
fatigue
loss of enthusiasm or interest in favorite activities
headaches
insomnia
irritability
mood swings that seem out of proportion to the circumstances
negative self-concept
outbursts of anger
painful thoughts that manifest themselves in relentless introspection
persistent anxiety
persistent sadness
poor school performance
sense of hopelessness
withdrawal and isolation
If an AS or HFA teenager is suffering from depression, parents can expect to see the following symptoms unfold in three successive stages:
Inability to concentrate, withdrawal from friends, impulsive acts, and declining academic performance
Acts of aggression, rapid mood swings, loss of friends, mild rebellion, and sudden changes in personality
Overt rebellion, extreme fatigue, giving away prized possessions, expressions of hopelessness, and suicidal threats or gestures
Other common symptoms of depression in adolescents include: eating or sleeping too much, feeling extremely sensitive, feeling misunderstood, feeling negative and worthless, poor attendance at school, self-harm, and using recreational drugs or alcohol.
Symptoms caused by depression can vary from child to child. To discover the type of depression your AS or HFA teenager has, your physician may add one or more “specifiers.” A specifier simply means that your teen has depression with specific features, for example:
Seasonal pattern: depression related to changes in seasons and reduced exposure to sunlight
Mixed features: simultaneous depression and mania, which includes elevated self-esteem, talking too much, and increased energy
Melancholic features: severe depression with lack of response to something that used to bring pleasure and associated with early morning awakening, major changes in appetite, feelings of guilt, agitation or sluggishness, and worsened mood in the morning
Catatonia: depression that includes motor activity that involves either uncontrollable and purposeless movement or fixed and inflexible posture
Atypical features: depression that includes the ability to temporarily be cheered by happy events, increased appetite, sensitivity to rejection, a heavy feeling in the arms or legs, and excessive need for sleep
Anxious distress: depression with unusual restlessness or worry about possible events or loss of control
Treatment—
1. Psychotherapy: Different types of psychotherapy can be effective for depression in AS and HFA teens (e.g., cognitive behavioral therapy). Psychotherapy can help your teen:
regain a sense of satisfaction and control in his or her life
ease depression symptoms (e.g., hopelessness and anger)
learn to set realistic goals for his or her life
identify negative beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy, positive ones
identify issues that contribute to his or her depression
change behaviors that make depression worse
find better ways to cope and solve problems
explore relationships and experiences
develop positive interactions with peers
develop the ability to tolerate and accept distress using healthier behaviors
adjust to a crisis or other current difficulty
2. Alternative Therapies: Therapies other than face-to-face office sessions are available and can be highly effective for teens on the autism spectrum (e.g., as a computer program, by online sessions, or using videos or workbooks). These can be guided by a therapist or be totally independent.
3. Social Skills Training: Teens on the autism spectrum experience depression largely due to their awkwardness in interpersonal relationships. Thus, social skills training is perhaps the best method for combating depression in these young people. A major goal of social skills training is teaching AS and HFA teens:
how to understand verbal and nonverbal behaviors involved in social interactions
how to make "small talk" in social settings
the importance of good eye contact during a conversation
how to "read" the many subtle cues contained in social interactions
how to tell when someone wants to change the topic of conversation or shift to another activity
how to interpret social signals so that they can determine how to act appropriately in the company of others in a variety of different situations
Social skills training assumes that when “special needs” teens improve their social skills and change selected behaviors, they will raise their self-esteem and increase the likelihood that others will respond favorably to them. The AS or HFA teen learns to change his or her social behavior patterns by practicing selected behaviors in individual or group therapy sessions.
4. Medication:Many types of antidepressants are available, including:
Other medications can be added to an antidepressant to enhance antidepressant effects. Your physician may recommend combining two antidepressants or adding medications (e.g., mood stabilizers or antipsychotics). Anti-anxiety and stimulant medications can also be added for short-term use.
Other things that parents can do to combat moodiness and depression in their AS or HFA teenager include: encouraging physical activity; praising the youngster's skills; promoting participation in organized activities; reminding your youngster that you care by listening, showing interest in his or her problems, and respecting his or her feelings; and setting aside time each day to talk to your youngster (this step is crucial in preventing further isolation, withdrawal, and progressive depression).
There is a philosophy among some individuals in the autism community that people on the autism spectrum are living their lives on the “wrong planet.” But, this way of thinking favors a flaw-based focus, which is the exact opposite of what we want to achieve. Each of us has a special purpose on this planet.
The universe has a plan for you too, and your job is to get in alignment with this plan. So, be encouraged, you are indeed on the right planet. You belong here. You are in this life for a reason.
As a teenager on the autism spectrum, you have areas of strength and areas of challenge. The good news about Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism is that the individual with this condition possesses many more strengths than weaknesses. As an added bonus, when you capitalize on your strengths, many of your weaknesses become manageable – and some correct themselves by default.
You need to begin to reverse the belief of having to focus your development around overcoming your weaknesses, spending precious energy attempting to try and repair your flaws, while your strengths lie dormant and neglected. Capitalizing on strengths rather than fixing flaws is your greatest asset. I call this having a strengths-based focus.
You have things that you are inherently good at. Yet you may be going through your life without truly realizing the things you excel at. Or you may have spent years wasting your valuable time and energy on trying to overcome your weaknesses. This often leads people into attempting to become someone they are not. It leads to a false identity.
Let me make this very clear: you cannot succeed by dealing with weaknesses. Successful people focus on their strengths, they focus on activities and tasks where they can make a positive difference. So for example, if you have the ability to stay "highly focused" on a task for extended periods of time, then put that strength at the center of your character profile. Your key strengths will supply the energy needed to excel within your given profession or hobby.
I'm not saying that you should just ignore your challenges as if they didn't exist. But what I am saying is spend your time and energy building on your strengths. Your flaws will become manageable as you employ a strengths-based focus. Building on strengths is about finding opportunities rather than problems.
It's about learning how to move from analysis to action, taking a proactive stance rather than a reactive stance. For example, if one of your "flaws" is impatience and disorganization, yet you are very creative, you can focus your creative energy and direct it to devising a plan whereby you manage your unorganized tendencies by slowing down and thinking about what you are doing.
The bottom line is this: you are a unique individual who carries a host of skills and attributes which have the potential to become powerful tools to self-empowerment. What you focus on will become your reality. So if you focus on fixing flaws, more flaws show up in your life. If, on the other hand, you focus on your strong points, more strong points begin to appear. This is why you must have a strengths-based focus.
Good luck in life!
______________________
Note to parents:
As the years go by, are you seeing your Asperger's or High-Functioning Autistic teen rapidly becoming reduced to a person who is surviving on:
Anger
Being a mistake
Depression
Hate
Isolation
Low self esteem
Resentment
Sadness
Self hate
Have you heard your teenager say things like:
“I'm a mistake.”
“I'm dumb.”
“I'm useless.”
“I hate myself.”
“I wish I were dead.”
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why was I born?”
If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen! Low self-esteem and behavioral problems go hand-in-hand.
My Aspergers Teen eBook is guaranteed to (a) improve your teen's behavior and self-esteem,and (b) empower parents and assist them in starting to enjoy their amazing special needs teens.
"How can I help my child with autism (high functioning) to make better decisions?"
The ability to weigh options and make decisions are skills that all children need to possess. If we look closely to what those skills are and the building blocks that are needed for them, one crucial factor is present: the ability to self-reflect. Self-reflection is a necessary component to focus, decision-making, prioritization and action.
For example: What might be the best career for me? Why should I get into a relationship with this person? What can I do to make myself happy? At the heart of all these questions is the ability to introspect and find the answers.
In conventional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) programs, clients are encouraged to self-reflect to improve insight into their thoughts and feelings, promoting a realistic and positive self-image and enhancing the ability to self-talk for greater self-control. However, the concept of self-consciousness is different for children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA). There is often a qualitative impairment in the ability to engage in introspection (i.e., self-analysis).
Research evidence, autobiographies, and clinical experience have confirmed that many young people with AS and HFA lack an “inner voice” and think in pictures rather than words. They also have difficulty translating their visual thoughts into words. As one teenager with AS explained in relation to how visualization improves his learning (a picture is worth a thousand words), “I have the picture in my mind, but not the thousand words to describe it.” Some of these “special needs” children have an “inner voice” but have difficulty disengaging mind and mouth, thereby vocalizing their thoughts to the confusion or annoyance of others.
When parents attempt to teach self-reflection skills to their AS or HFA child, certain modifications need to be in place (e.g., a greater use of visual material and resources using drawings, role-play, and metaphor, and less reliance on spoken responses). Many young people on the autism spectrum have a greater ability to develop and explain their thoughts and emotions using other expressive media (e.g., typed communication in the form of e-mail or a diary, music, art, or a pictorial dictionary of feelings).
When talking about themselves, older teens and young adults with AS and HFA do not anchor their self-attributes in social activities and relationships, or use as wide a range of emotions in their descriptions like their “typical” peers do. They are less likely to describe themselves in the context of their relationships and interactions with other people. Thus, the teaching of self-reflection skills may have to be modified to accommodate a concept of self primarily in terms of physical, intellectual, and psychological attributes.
In self-reflection skills training, parents should attempt to adjust their child’s self-image to be an accurate reflection of his abilities and the neurological origins of his disorder. A bit of time needs to be allocated to explaining the nature of AS and HFA and how the characteristics account for his differences. As soon as the youngster has the diagnosis of AS or HFA, the parent needs to carefully and authoritatively explain the nature of the disorder to the family, but the affected youngster also must receive a personal explanation. This is to reduce the likelihood of inappropriate coping strategies to the child’s recognition of being different and concern as to why he has to see psychologists and psychiatrists.
The AS or HFA child also may be concerned as to why she has to take medication and receive “special education” at school. Over the last few years, there have been several publications developed specifically to introduce the youngster or teenager to their diagnosis. The choice of which book to use is the parent’s decision, but it is important that the explanations are accurate and positive. The child will perceive the diagnosis as it is presented.
If the approach is pessimistic, the reaction can be to trigger a depression or to reject the diagnosis and treatment. The parent also can recommend the child read some of the autobiographies written by other kids and teens on the autism spectrum. The subsequent discussion is whether and how to tell other people of the diagnosis, especially extended family, neighbors, and friends.
When an accurate perception of self has been achieved, it is possible to explore cognitive mechanisms to accommodate the AS or HFA child’s unusual profile of abilities and vulnerabilities, and to consider the directions for change in self-image. One approach is using the metaphor of a road map with alternative directions and destinations.
Kids and teens on the autism spectrum need the tools to help them hone their self-reflection skills. Here are some examples of prompts that parents can use to start engaging their youngster in reflecting about his or her thinking (brainstorm some additional ones, too):
During what activities do you become unaware of time passing?
How did you feel?
How do other people see you?
How do you most want to contribute to others?
If you were brave, what would you do?
Tell me something that made you happy today (use the other emotion words like frustrated, sad, angry).
What activities are you good at?
What are you passionate about?
What are you thinking right now?
What are your best gifts?
What are your dreams?
What are your goals?
What could this person be feeling?
What could this person be thinking?
What do you do right?
What do you fear?
What do you hesitate to admit about yourself?
What do you like to play with?
What do you love to do?
What do you most want to create?
What do you most want to give?
What do you value?
What do you want for your life?
What has gone well?
What has not gone well?
What have you always wanted to try?
What have you most enjoyed doing in your life?
What is challenging for you?
What is the next step?
What is your best contribution?
What made you excited today?
What motivates you?
What problem do you want to solve?
What takes energy away from you?
What was the best part of your day?
What was the least that you liked about your day?
When do you feel the most “natural”?
When is it time to take a break?
Where are you dissatisfied in your life?
Where are you meeting resistance right now?
Where do you get energy from?
Why do you like it? (best followed by “what makes you say that?”)
As much as these prompts are for the AS or HFA child, they are for parents, too. Parents should find the time to share their thoughts with their youngster and the entire family during family meetings (use some of the self-reflecting questions above as part of the meeting’s agenda).
Parents need to let everyone know what they are thinking and feeling and make it visible. In this way, the AS or HFA youngster realizes that the self-talk that goes on in her head is normal – and sharing it with her family is important. It also gives family members the opportunity to talk about not just what makes them happy, but more importantly, the deep, dark and ugly thoughts that keep them awake at night and in a state of anxiety. Self-reflection is not just about building self-esteem, it is also being able to share negative thoughts. Thus, parents will do well to give their youngster the chance to reflect on his fears – and face them.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
The purpose of this article is to get young people on the autism spectrum thinking about how they can actively advocate for themselves rather than passively accepting “things as they are” or settling for a one-down-position in various situations or aspects of life.
We will look at both self-advocacy and self-disclosure, because disclosure (i.e., telling others about your diagnosis) to the right people is a primary way to advocate for yourself. When self-disclosure works well, it has positive effects for interpersonal relationships. On the other hand, when self-disclosure does not work well or you disclose to the wrong person, it can lead to lowered self-esteem, embarrassment, and relationship deterioration – or termination!
Self-Disclosure—
The hard part for many teenagers with ASD level 1 (high-functioning autism) is telling friends, classmates and coworkers about their diagnosis, given the prevalence of ignorance in regards to Autism Spectrum Disorders in general. Many ASD teens want to be honest and share their diagnosis, hoping that others will be accepting and supportive. While there are many compassionate people out there who will be, there are also many who won't be – or aren't ready to be.
So, should you tell people about your autism? It depends on what your needs are and if you're ready to accept the good or bad results that may stem from your disclosure. Self-disclosure is a tough decision. It's crucial that you take the process seriously – and protect yourself. In any event, there comes a time when decisions have to be made as to who to tell and what to tell about your disorder.
It can be quite a challenge to tell peers about the struggles you are experiencing. ASD teens look “normal” (of course), yet many suffer terribly – often on a daily basis. It’s the absence of obvious physical clues that cause other people to minimize the full extent of the challenges that accompany autism spectrum disorders. Thus, it’s wise to decide carefully who you tell. Despite numerous campaigns to raise awareness of autism, there are always going to be individuals in your life who do not (or will not) understand your disorder. Unfortunately, these people are capable of inflicting further distress. ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism Here are some guidelines that Brandon, one very smart 19-year-old Asperger’s teenager, used to make the task of telling others about his diagnosis easier and more empowering:
Before I tell anyone about my diagnosis, I want to be clear as to why I am telling this person. In one case, this person was my boss and I needed to explain some absences. In another case, it was a friend because I needed his assistance on a school project. So, I always want to be clear what it’s that I hope to achieve by telling any particular person. Knowing this helps me cope with negative reactions that I may receive. I don’t want to disclose for the wrong reasons. So, I make sure I know what my true motives are for revealing my Asperger’s.
I have a pamphlet on Asperger syndrome and have it on hand to give to people should they require further information. A lot of people out there are poorly informed about autism spectrum disorders in general, and providing them with good information benefits me in the long run. Critics in particular are more likely to react more favorably to well-informed documentation than a personal, emotionally-charged monologue delivered by me.
When I need help from the person I am disclosing to, I try to be clear about what form that help should take. I find that a lot of people are more than willing to help, but don’t have the faintest idea of what to do. This is where I need to be specific about my needs. So, I write my thoughts down on paper before sharing them. This is a useful practice for clarifying my reasons for telling a particular person about my special needs.
I think it’s important for my own mental health to share my disorder with a few specific people. Some are willing to assist me, and some have walked out of my life once they were aware of the true nature of my disorder. A few others have even teased, bullied, or ignored me all together. I expect this. I expect to be hurt by some of my peers and acquaintances. But I don’t let this aspect of some people’s characters put me off telling significant others.
Lastly, I try to prepare myself for all possible reactions from the other person. I remind myself that I can’t control other people’s reactions or belief systems, but I can be prepared for what to say in response to any questions I may encounter. Telling other people, regardless of their reactions, is a truly empowering experience in most cases. ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism Self-Advocacy—
Self-advocacy teaches ASD teens to identify issues that mean the most to them. It helps them prioritize their hopes and dreams – and to make certain that nothing gets in the way of achieving their goals.
Here are some important tips for learning self-advocacy skills:
1. ASD is nothing of which to be ashamed. It’s a part of who you are, but it does not define you. Once you realize this, and that you are capable and intelligent, you should be able to step up and take on some of the responsibility of self-advocacy. In the meantime, remember, you are still a teenager.
2. The road to becoming your own greatest advocate begins by being as informed as possible about your disorder. There are dozens of books (some more scholarly than others) that you can read to help yourself understand that this disorder is not your fault and to learn patterns of behavior you have come to see in yourself, but didn’t know what they meant.
3. Another aspect of being a good self-advocate is to pay careful attention to yourself. Learn your idiosyncrasies and pay attention to the things that work for you, along with the things that don’t work. For example, if you have certain obsessions or compulsions, understand what they are and find out ways to get around them (if needed, and if possible).
4. Know your strengths. Teens on the spectrum are often gifted with an above average I.Q. It’s likely that you excel in one or more academic subjects. Also, you probably have an intense interest outside of academics (e.g., music or computers). Knowing your own strengths will help you gain much needed self-confidence. ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism 5. Recognize and accept your weaknesses. Just as with your strengths, you must also be mindful of your weaknesses. For example, teens with ASD sometimes struggle with language based academics. Social skills and sensory problems may be weak areas for you as well.
6. Participate in counseling and group therapy to help keep yourself focused. Counseling sessions are useful for teens on the spectrum. This is a place where you can talk about how your strengths and weaknesses make you feel. In group therapy, you can learn new strategies for coping in social situations.
7. Regarding school-related issues, remind staff that you are an individual and must be viewed as such. There is no single solitary program or approach that works effectively with ALL students – even if they have the same diagnosis. If you can't learn the way teachers instruct, then teachers need to instruct the way you learn.
8. If you have a problem with a certain teacher, remember that an adversarial relationship between you and that teacher is typically never in your best interest. It's sometimes easy to fall in the trap of blaming teachers for disappointments or a particular issue. However, blame doesn't typically result in anything more than bad feelings and an ill-willed outcome. Instead of blaming your teacher, try the opposite approach: keep calm, know the facts, and advocate about meeting your unique needs. Propose solutions or create a possible plan that works best for you and the teacher. Be open-minded and hear proposed solutions from your teacher’s side as well.
9. Be an active participant in your IEP process and know your written goals. Also, take part in your IEP meetings. Once you acknowledge your own strengths and weaknesses, your input can help the IEP team set reachable goals.
10. Understand that your school’s Principal is a key player. You MUST have the loyalty, support, faith, and cooperation of the Principal in order to advocate effectively for yourself in the school setting.
Self-disclosure and self-advocacy are core communication skills. Being proficient at using these skills means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. These skills can help with stress management, boost your self-esteem, and help earn others' respect. Some teenagers seem to use these skills naturally, but if you're not one of them, you can become skillful by utilizing the information above.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
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Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Learn How to Reduce - and Eliminate - Meltdowns, Tantrums, Low-Frustration Tolerance, School-Related Behavior Problems, Sensory Sensitivities, Aggression, Social-Skills Deficits, and much more...
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Dear parents,
I'd like to talk to you about my parenting system that significantly reduces problematic behavior in children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism (ASD Level 1).
"Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism" is a 4-part downloadable eBook (along with audio instruction) designed to help parents of Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic kids who are experiencing behavioral difficulties. The program contains prevention, identification, and intervention strategies for the most destructive of autism-related behaviors.
Although ASD [Level 1] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum (i.e., high-functioning autism), the challenges parents face when raising a child on the autism spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an "average" child. Complicated by symptoms associated with the disorder, the HFA child is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels, unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” children and teens do not take into account the many issues facing a youngster with a neurological disorder. Meltdowns, shutdowns, aggression, sensory sensitivities, self-injury, isolation-seeking, and communication problems that arise are just some of the issues that parents of these young people will have to learn to address.
Parents need to come up with a consistent parenting plan ahead of time, and then present a united front and continually review their strategies for potential changes and improvements as the HFA child develops and matures.
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before leaving PayPal to access this digital product.]
Kids on the autism spectrum possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
Social Skills— Social conventions are a confusing maze for young people with HFA. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neurotypicals” (non-autistic children) naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.
Sensory Difficulties— Children on the autism spectrum can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as these "special needs" kids may be limited in where they can go, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
Routines and Fixations— These young people rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These children may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
Interpreting and Responding to Emotion— Children and teens on the spectrum often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that these kids can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their child is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
Awkwardness— Children with HFA tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these kids even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
School Failures— Many HFA children, with their average to above average IQs, can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic and social problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The adolescent student on the autism spectrum now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations. HFA teenagers, with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials, face similar academic problems as students with ADHD. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the teenager how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on a "special needs" teenager can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.
Social Isolation— In the school environment where everyone feels a bit insecure, children and teens that appear different are voted off the island. HFA students often have odd mannerisms. Isolated and alone, many of these "special needs" students are too anxious to initiate social contact. They may be stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for the kid on the spectrum, even though he wants it more than anything else.
As the years go by, are you seeing your child rapidly becoming reduced to a person who is surviving on:
anger
being a mistake
depression
hate
isolation
low self-esteem
resentment
sadness
...and self-hate?
Have you heard your child say things like:
I'm a mistake.
I'm dumb.
I'm useless.
I hate myself.
I wish I was dead.
What is wrong with me?
Why was I born?
If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen! Low self-esteem and behavioral problems go hand-in-hand!!!
The program "Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism"is guaranteed to (a) improve your child's behavior and self-esteem, and (b) empower parents and assist them in starting to enjoy their amazing and talented child or teen.
Parenting young people on the autism spectrum is tough! If you don't know how, that is. In this program, you will discover how to:
Be your child's best advocate
Help her comply with rules and expectations
Help him learn positive ways to "work with" his differences - not to "fight" them
Learn the specifics of autism-related behavior and how to keep it in perspective
Look at mistakes as lessons - not as major set-backs
Re-evaluate your expectations
Take your power back as the parent
Tune-in to who your child genuinely is - not what the stereotypical child is (based on social beliefs)
Cope with your child's difficult and aggressive behaviors
Understand what is really going on inside her head
Help him cope better in the community and at school
Keep the peace at home with the rest of the family
Greatly improve your child's self-esteem, because "special needs" kids with low self-esteem have very little - or no - motivation to change behavior
==> If you have tried talking, screaming, punishing, pleading, and negotiating - but your Asperger's or HFA teenager still walks all over you…
==> If you find yourself "walking on eggshells" around your child trying to avoid saying something that will set him off…
==> If you are tired of struggling with a person who is disrespectful, obnoxious, or even abusive toward you in your own home…
==> If you are frustrated and exhausted from constant arguing…
Then download this 4-part eBook, and begin the healing process within 5 minutes from now!
Imagine NO MORE:
Begging to get your child to respond to simple requests
Getting pulled into pointless, never-ending arguments
Energy-sucking power struggles that ruin the whole evening
Feeling powerless and stress-out because nothing you say to your child gets through
Now, when you talk, your youngster will listen and respond appropriately. Don’t go another day being a hostage in your own house. Get back in control of your child today.
I can tell you from over 20 years of experience that "bad autism-related behavior" does NOT change without an intervention like the one I'm giving you here. Inside this program, you will get all the tools you need to improve your child's behavior... or your money back!
The problem is that most parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum have tried very hard to get just a little respect and compliance, but with little - or no - success. And it seems the harder the parent tries, the more the child feels frustrated, which often results in tantrums, meltdowns, or non-compliance.
I often hear the following statement from parents: “I've tried everything with this child – and nothing works.” But when they download this program, they soon discover they have NOT tried everything – rather they have tried some things.
You now have the opportunity to learn "cut-to-the-chase" parenting strategies that work immediately rather than weeks or months down the road. And I guarantee your success or you get your money back – and you can keep the 4-part eBook. This is how confident I am that this information is going to work for you!
No, I’m not a miracle worker. But you don’t need a miracle! All you need is this set of proven parenting techniques – specific to the Asperger's and HFA condition – to use with your "special needs" child or teen.
If parents don’t have the techniques outlined in this program, all they are left with are typical disciplinary methods. And as you may have discovered, typical methods don't work with an HFA child.
Here is a partial list of typical parenting strategies. Parents have found these strategies to have little - or no - effect on their "special needs" child's behavior:
Trying to "reason" with the child
Having heart-to-heart talks
"Confronting" the child or being assertive
Grounding
Taking away privileges
Time-outs
Counseling
Trying to be a nicer parent
Trying to be a tougher parent
"Giving in" and letting the child have his way
Verbal warnings
Ignoring misbehavior
Medication
Having the child go live with his other parent (if parents are separated or divorced)
Having another family member "talk to" or attempt to "mentor" the child
Threatening to send the child away to a juvenile facility
Threatening to call the police
and so on...
I’m giving you the chance to break the cycle of confusion and non-compliance …to bring some peace back into your household again …and to keep your child from potential self-destruction. And you can start in just 5 minutes from now!
In the "Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism" program, you will receive:
The Comprehensive Handbook on Parenting Children on the Autism Spectrum
How to Stop Meltdowns and Tantrums
Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management
My audio book entitled “Unraveling The Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism”
In addition, you will receive:
The “Parenting Defiant Asperger's and HFA Teens” audio course
Access to me, Mark Hutten, M.A., as your personal parent coach (via email correspondence)
My 100%, Ironclad, "Better-Than-Risk-Free" Money Back Guarantee
I say "better-than-risk-free" because this whole package is yours to keep even in the unlikely event you decide to ask for a refund. If for any reason you aren't completely satisfied with your purchase, just contact me within 60 days (that's right – two months!), and I'll give you a 100% prompt and courteous refund... no questions asked! I’m the one taking the risk here – not you.
I’ve learned a lot in my 20+ years of working with families affected by autism spectrum disorders. And this counseling psychologist is putting all of his best tools in this one package that can now be yours.
I trust that you’ll take a step of faith here and get started with this on-line program today.
before leaving PayPal to access this digital product.]
With this parenting toolkit, you will finally be able to manage your child's meltdowns, tantrums, attention difficulties, behavior problems at home and school, picky eating, problems completing homework, rigid thinking, rituals and obsessions, sensory sensitivities, sleep problems, social skills deficits, verbal and physical aggression ...and much more!
About the Author:
Mark Hutten, M.A. is the executive director of Online Parent Support, LLC. He is a parent-coach (Master's Degree) with more than 30 years’ experience. He has worked with hundreds of children and teenagers with ASD Level 1 and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), and presents workshops and runs training courses for parents and professionals who deal with Austim. Also, Mark is a prolific author of articles and eBooks on the subject.
Contact Information:
Online Parent Support, LLC
2328 N 200 E
Anderson, IN 46012
Phone: 765-810-3319
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com
Testimonials :
"Mark. I just wanted to tell you that I have purchased so many Parenting programs for help with my son with ASD. While they do touch on related issues, they seem to operate on the principle that these kids are from the same mold and will all respond to the same forms of discipline. Your program is the first (and I think the last) one that has actually helped my situation. Thank you!!!" ~ D.H.
"Today I spoke to my son's former counselor (whom I was asking for a referral for another counseling, which I did before I found your program). I told her, 'I think I don't need it for now,' because I found your site. I gave her your site and told her to spread the word about your program, since her job deals with parents and kids of similar problems. Thanks for all the help!" ~ A.D.
"Thanks Mark. I have been very impressed with your advice and felt I should 'pay it forward' as we feel we are getting such extreme value for our money. As such, I sent your email address to the doctor who was 'trying' to help us. Our son was so extremely disrespectful during our visit with the doctor that he was exasperated at the end and told us there was nothing more he could do and so we should consider kicking him out at 18 and prior to that, send him to a home for 'raging' teens if his behaviour continued. I also note that our doctor has a Psychology degree. I know he has many cases such as ours, so I sent him your website to pass on to other parents who would benefit from this resource. Kindest regards!" ~ S.F.
"I just started your program, but I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference in my HFA daughter. We have struggled with her behavior since she was 9 months old. I was humbled and astounded to learn that I was a big part of the problem in the way that I was reacting to her. We actually have some peace in our home and she even hugs us and says 'I love you' on a regular basis. She has even begun apologizing for getting angry and being unreasonable. The next step is to help her bring her grades up and stay out of trouble at school. I have every confidence that we have turned a corner and I’m referring everyone I know to your program. Thank you!" ~ T.E.
"My Asperger child (high functioning) had been on medication for ADD for several years. It never seemed to help the way we hoped. His anger was out of control and most of the walls in our home had holes from him punching them. He was violent with his siblings and distant from us. I found your program while looking for a treatment facility to send him away to. I knew it was not safe for his brother and sister if he stayed in our home. About 2 and a half weeks into your program we were able to take him off the medication and he continued to improve. (His doctor insisted we were making a huge mistake and that medication was the only way to help him.) He is changing into a more confident self-controlled person thanks to your program. He used to scream at me how much he hated me. Now when he does not get his way he will yell, 'Why are you such a good parent???' He will try to sound angry, but he is letting me know he is happier with the way things are now. He is learning to diffuse tense situations as well. We have both become better people. Thank you for giving me my son back." ~ K. M.
"Nothing has helped as much as this common sense advice. We've been to counseling, read books, you name it. We can't even put into words what we owe you. Thank you so much for your help." ~ L.B.
"I have purchased your program ... just wanted to say how amazing your work is proving to be. I work in psychiatry but have struggled to discipline my son and to understand his behaviour. I have put in to practice the first week session and already it is working. Your insight into teenagers with Asperger syndrome is amazing... it was like you had written it all for my son and I. Thank you, a thousand times, thank you. I’ll keep you informed of J__’s progress." ~ T.J.
"I wanted to say thank you for all your support, sound advice, and speedy email responses. You were the only person I could speak with, and you helped me enormously. I will never forget your support Mark - when I was terrorised and totally overwhelmed, you gave me the strength and support from half way around the world that allowed me to do my very best for my autistic son. God bless you for your generosity of spirit and your great work." ~ V.T.
"I am so thankful and blessed I found your website. I am incorporating your suggestions into my life with my 15-year-old daughter on the spectrum – and things are going so much better. We are both trying and, though she still goes to counseling, I feel like I have tools to work with her now. Thanks a $$$million and God Bless You!" ~ J.P.
"I started using the language and skills suggested and WOW what a difference it's making already! My most defiant Aspie is being positive, kind and respectful to me. It's hard to change, but I'm convinced this is going to work for my family. I've learned that my actions have a direct effect on my child, and when I show him respect, I get it right back! Thank you so much for retraining me!!!" ~ M.H.
"I have seen such a change in myself and my son, it's amazing. Not that the problems are all gone, but simply by saying I'm not arguing and honoring that, even though I've said it before, surprised him (and me) and put an end to so many problems. It was like I was the MOM again. I guess just having the support of the program helped and knowing there were others out there with the same problems." ~ T. A.
"I just wanted to say THANK YOU. I was trawling the WWW at 02.30 for some help and found your sight and thought I would have a look. I sat in tears listening to you... it was like you had stepped into my home and seen the destruction, the tears became tears of relief that I could possibly make a change in my parenting that could help change my child's behaviour, and so I signed up. It has taken me 2 weeks to get though the first part of the program, but I have already seen tiny creaks for the better in all our behaviour." ~ E.B.
"Thank You Mark! Our prayers were answered with your program/ministry. We are gradually reclaiming control of our family. THANK YOU for bringing love, peace and harmony to our family once and for all this time. Yes there are still those idle complaints here and there and the occasional gnashing of teeth. But we have seen so many improvements in our special needs child since we, the parents, have changed our perspective and attitude." ~ R.W.
"I wanted to just take a minute to Thank You and to share my results thus far with my teen son (aspergers, high functioning) using your methods. We have been in counseling since February of this year and yesterday, we withdrew. In all these months, I never felt like we were making any permanent progress....just dancing around, two steps forward, one step back..etc. Since utilizing your strategies along with having our counselor as a sounding board, here are some of the things that have changed: arguments are fewer and less in intensity, a prevailing sense of peacefulness has come back into our home, my son has become more responsible, he has become more respectful towards me, I now have less "guilt" about saying "No" and less difficulty MEANING it, and there is no longer any question about who the parent is now. I can only hope and pray and continue to implement your strategies to see that he does move forward into his adult life in a more positive manner." ~ A.S.
"I am very glad to have you here working with us parents and "our" kids. I appreciate your insight and your "heart" for these kids. I just watched "Take the Lead", which is based on a true story about a man who made a commitment to teach ballroom dancing to inner city kids in New York who were in "detention" for the remainder of the school year. No one else would work with them. His message to them was simple: have enough confidence in yourself to lead; enough trust in yourself to follow; and to always show respect for others. Very powerful stuff. There are only a few of you around, Mark. Keep doing what you love - it shows." ~ K.H.
“During these past few weeks, my husband and I have been implementing many steps, successfully. Our Aspergers son has been completing his weekly chores with not much complaint. There haven't been any melt-downs around here, and the few irritable times we've had have been much less stressful. I hope it's still ok to email you from time to time to say hi and fill you in on our progress.” ~ T.P.
"My daughter simply couldn't understand her peers and did not socialize well at all. Unfortunately, she knew when she was being teased and became very hostile toward the teaser. Her retaliation often resulted in her having to leave the classroom and spend the rest of the morning in the "quiet room" all by herself. Fast forward... we have been working on "how to interject" and the SENSE method that you discuss in the material. These two skills alone have made just a big difference in her coping ability and level of empathy toward others." ~ M.K.
“I have fired the counselors, weaned my child off medications, and I am ready to begin the work of becoming a stronger, more focused parent. My soon to be ex-husband has also agreed to purchase the program and we intend on working it together to get our teen back on track. I thank you for your help and guidance.” ~ W.S.
"Glad I found these parenting skills. Wish I had known about it long before now. Would have saved us a lot of sleepless night." ~ B. F.
“I wanted to let you know how much I really appreciate your program. It is full of really practical and easy-to-use information to help parents with their Asperger’s and HFA children, and also the rest of the family. As a journalist, I know a thing or two about writing - and this is definitely put together and written very professionally.” ~ I.K.
"I wish my child's teachers would read your ebooks. Since I've been working with him, he does much better at home, but school is still an issue - mostly because his teachers don't get it." ~ N.W.
“In just one week of the course, I saw huge changes in my child with Aspergers Syndrome – and even the teacher noticed. He’s a happier person due to this program. Thank you… thank you …thank you!” ~ C.D.
Become THE expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, resistance to change, and much more...
Most teenagers with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) experience frequent social failure and rejection by peers. Because social encounters are seldom reinforcing (rewarding), these young people often avoid social interaction.
Over time, they may develop negative attitudes about themselves and others. The poor self-esteem that may result makes it difficult to continue attempts at social interaction. As a result, the cycle continues. Therefore, social skills interventions are greatly needed – especially in the form of fostering self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance refers to a global affirmation of self. When an AS or HFA teen is self-accepting, he is able to embrace ALL facets of himself – not just the positive parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. The teen can recognize his weaknesses and limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with his ability to fully accept himself. Furthermore, behavior clearly reflects feelings of self-acceptance For example, a teenager with high self-acceptance will be able to:
tolerate frustration
take pride in her accomplishments
offer assistance to others
handle positive and negative emotions
attempt new tasks and challenges
assume responsibility
act independently
accept mistakes as a path to learning and growth
Conversely, a teen with low self-acceptance will:
put down her own talents and abilities
feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
feel unloved and unwanted
blame others for her own shortcomings
be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration
be easily influenced
avoid trying new things
Moms and dads – more than anyone else – can promote their AS or HFA teen’s self-acceptance. It isn’t a difficult thing to do. If fact, you probably do it without even realizing that your words and actions have great impact on how your teen feels about herself.
Here are 30 crucial strategies to use that will help your “special needs” teen develop self-acceptance:
1. As much as possible, let your teen settle his own disputes between siblings, friends, and classmates.
2. Be supportive during a conflict. If, for example, your AS or HFA teenager is in the middle of a conflict at school, listen to her side of the story without being judgmental (even if you think she is at fault). For example, say something such as, “I can understand why you think you’re a better choice for class president, and I’m sorry that you feel you have to point out Courtney’s shortcomings rather than concentrate on what makes you the better candidate.” The conflict may seem trivial to you, but to your teen, it could be a major source of strife in her life. By developing the habit of supporting your teenager through the good and the bad, you will be laying a strong foundation for open communication when bigger problems arise. Knowing that she has a parent to lean on who loves and accepts her will help build your teen’s self-acceptance over time.
3. Encourage your teen to exercise! Being active and fit helps him feel good about himself. He will relieve stress, and be healthier, too!
4. Encourage your teen to try new things, and to give herself credit. Urge her to experiment with different activities to help her get in touch with her talents. Then tell her that she should take pride in her new skills. One Asperger’s teenager signed up for track and found out that he was pretty fast! The positive thoughts associated with this discovery became good opinions of himself, and added up to high self-acceptance.
5. Encourage your teenager to ask for what she wants assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that she will get it. Reinforce her for asking – and avoid anticipating her wants.
6. Encourage your teenager to behave toward himself the way he would like his friends to behave toward him.
7. Encourage your teenager to develop hobbies and interests which give her pleasure and which she can pursue independently.
8. Help your AS or HFA teenager develop “tease tolerance” by pointing out that some teasing can’t hurt. Help him learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk (e.g., “names can never hurt me” … “teasing has no power over me” … “if I can avoid reacting to this teasing, then I’m building emotional muscles”).
9. Help your teen learn to focus on her strengths by pointing out to her all the things she can do well.
10. Help your teen to aim for effort rather than perfection. Some AS and HFA teens – especially those with OCD – get held back by their own pressure to be perfect. They lose out because they don't try (“If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t want to do it at all”).
11. Help your teen to edit those thoughts that make him feel inferior (e.g., "That guy is so much better at basketball. I should just stop playing.”). Does your teen often compare himself with others and come up feeling less accomplished or less talented? Teach him to notice his negative, self-destructive thoughts.
12. Help your teen to focus on what goes well for her. Is she so used to focusing on her problems that they are all she can see? Say to her, “The next time you catch yourself dwelling on problems or complaints about yourself, find something positive to counter it.” Also, have your teen write down three good things about herself each day, or three things that went well that day because of her effort.
13. Help your teen to notice the critical things he says to himself. A harsh inner voice just tears you down. If your teen is in the habit of thinking self-critically, help him to re-train himself by re-wording negative, unkind thoughts into more helpful feedback.
14. Help your teen to recognize what she can change – and what she can't. If she realizes that she is unhappy with something about herself that she CAN change (e.g., getting to a healthy weight), help her to start today. If it's something she CANNOT change (e.g., her height), help her to work on accepting it. Obsessing about her "flaws" will skew her opinion of herself and lower her self-acceptance.
15. Help your teen to set goals. Ask him to think about what he would like to accomplish. Then help him make a plan for how to do it. Encourage him to stick with the plan and keep track of the progress. Urge your teen to train his inner voice to remind him of what he is accomplishing (e.g., I've been following my workout plan every day for 30 minutes. I feel good that I have kept my promise to myself. I know I can keep it up.").
16. Help your teen to view mistakes as learning opportunities. Teach her to accept that she will make mistakes. We all do. It’s part of learning. If, for example, your teen has the thought, "I always screw things up," remind her that she doesn’t ALWAYS make mistakes, just in this specific situation. What can she do differently next time?
17. Help your teenager to think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending on only one option for satisfaction. Whenever your teen thinks there is only one thing which can satisfy her, she limits her potential for being satisfied! The more you help your teenager realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase her potential for satisfaction.
18. Include your teen in everyday family decisions, and implement some of her suggestions. For example, what does she think about the new chairs you’re considering for the dining room table? AS and HFA teens love nothing better than to be treated like competent adults, and they’re usually flattered anytime that you invite them into the adult world.
19. Laugh with your teenager – and encourage her to laugh at herself. A young person who takes herself too seriously is undoubtedly decreasing her enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing self-acceptance and overall enjoyment.
20. Let your teen know that he creates – and is responsible for – any feeling he experiences. Similarly, he is not responsible for others’ feelings.
21. Let your teen know that you are still interested in what is going on in his life, even though he’s a “big boy” now. Teens like to be self-sufficient and want their parent to believe that they have everything under control. But that doesn’t mean that the parent doesn’t need to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. So, when the parent asks questions, he or she should try to formulate them so that they require more than a “yes” or “no” answer (e.g., instead of asking, “How is history class going?” … ask, “What are you currently studying in history?”).
22. Sometimes it’s necessary to constructively criticize your teen’s behavior and choices. However, when the criticism is directed to him as a person, it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. Therefore, learn to use “I statements” rather than “You statements” when giving criticism (e.g., “I would like you to keep your clothes in your closet – not lying all over the bedroom floor” … rather than saying, “Why are you such a slob? Can’t you get more organized?”).
23. Teach your teen the importance of helping others. For example, he can help clean up the neighborhood, participate in a walkathon for a good cause, tutor a classmate who's having trouble, or volunteer his time in some other way. When your teen can see that what he does makes a difference, it builds his positive opinion of himself and makes him feel good. That's self-acceptance.
24. Teach your teen to accept compliments. When self-acceptance is low, it's easy for young people to overlook the good things others say about them. They don't believe it when someone says a nice thing. Instead, they may think something like, “Yeah, but I'm not all that great…” and then brush off the compliment. Instead, encourage your teen to accept a compliment, appreciate it, and take it seriously. Also, teach her to give sincere compliments to others.
25. Teach your teen to change his “demands” to “preferences.” Point out that there is no reason he must get everything he wants – and that he need not feel angry either. Encourage him to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing him when he displays “appropriate irritation” rather than “anger.”
26. Teach your teen to remind himself that everyone excels at different things. Help her to focus on what she does well, and cheer on others for their success. Self-talk such as, "He's a great football player, but I'm a better chess player” helps your teen accept himself and make the best of the situation.
27. Teach your teen to take pride in her opinions and ideas. Tell her that she need not be afraid to voice them. If someone disagrees with her, it's not a reflection on her worth or her intelligence. That person just sees things differently.
28. Teens remember positive statements that their parent says to them. They store them up and “replay” these statements to themselves. Thus, practice giving your teen words of encouragement throughout each day.
29. Use what is called “descriptive praise” to let your teen know when he is doing something well. Develop the habit of looking for situations in which your teen is doing a good job or displaying a skill (e.g., “I really like the way you straightened up the garage. You put each thing in its place”).
30. What you think determines how you feel – and how you feel determines how you behave. Thus, it’s important to teach your teen to be positive about how she “talks to herself” (e.g., “I can get this problem if I just keep trying” … “It’s OK that I didn’t get an ‘A’ on the test today” … “I tried my best, I can’t win them all”).
The primary aspect of AS and HFA that characterizes it as autistic is the problem of human connectedness. The term most commonly used to describe this core weakness of human connection is “reciprocity.” This refers to the teenager’s ability to engage other people in a way that makes others feel connected or not. In social conversation with a teenager with AS and HFA, eye contact is often poor, fleeting, or absent. These “special needs” teenagers may not be able to read subtle gestures and facial changes or to interpret subtleties in language (e.g., irony or sarcasm). They do not read or respond as most people do to small changes in body posture or to gestures. They seem either distant, stiff, or in other ways unconnected.
AS and HFA teenagers not only seem disconnected, but in some cases uninterested in being in relationships with others. They may generally have very little interest in the feelings, experiences, other human qualities, or possibilities of others and, hence, lack demonstrated empathy. They do not seem to derive pleasure from engaging others, learning about them, talking with them, or sharing experiences. In the many cases where the symptoms are milder, the teen may wish to connect with others, but simply does not know how. She may have feelings for others, but can’t seem to mobilize the demonstration of those feelings.
The good news is that parents (and teachers) can assist in these challenges by helping their AS or HFA teen to develop a set of social skills. And as mentioned above, the most important skill to possess in this endeavor is called “self-acceptance.” With self-acceptance, the teen capitalizes on his strengths rather than trying to “fix” his weaknesses, yet he accepts his weaknesses for what they are.
