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Cognitive and Behavioral Inflexibility in Kids on the Spectrum

“Why are transitions so difficult for my autistic child (high functioning)? It’s impossible to get him to stop what he’s doing at the time without a huge row. What are some strategies which can help when moving from one thing to the next?”

One frequently observed feature of High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s is inflexibility in thought and behavior. Inflexibility seems to pervade so many areas of the lives of children on the autism spectrum. Novel situations often produce anxiety.

These kids may be uncomfortable with change in general, which can result in behavior that may be viewed as oppositional and can lead to emotional meltdowns. This general inflexibility is what parents and teachers often label as “rebellion.”



There are two types of inflexibility:
  1. Cognitive inflexibility occurs when the child is unable to consider alternatives to the current situation, alternative viewpoints, or innovative solutions to a problem. The child with inflexible thinking tends to view things in “either-or” terms (e.g., things are either right or wrong, good or bad). He or she wants concrete, black and white answers. The “gray areas” of life are very uncomfortable (e.g., the child often has an exact way of doing things with no variations). 
  2. Behavioral inflexibility refers to a child’s difficulty maintaining appropriate behavior in new and unfamiliar situations. Flexibility enables children to shift effortlessly from task to task in the classroom, from topic to topic in conversation, from one role to another in games, etc.

Children with HFA may have many fears in addition to those related to unexpected changes in schedules. Large groups of people and busy/noisy environments (e.g., school hallways, cafeterias, playgrounds, bus stations, etc.) tend to overwhelm children with HFA. They may also be overwhelmed by unexpected academic challenge or by having too many things to remember or too many tasks to perform.

They often have limited frustration-tolerance and may display tantrums when thwarted. Routines and rules are very important to kids with HFA in providing a sense of needed order and structure, and thus, predictability about the world.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Another form or inflexibility is moralism, a kind of self-righteous and strict adherence to nonnegotiable moral principles that is often out of context with practical reality. An example may be a youngster who criticizes a parent who has run a yellow traffic light when the parent is on the way to the emergency room for treatment of a severe injury.

Inflexibility is also found in the rigidity over matters that are of little consequence, such as arguing about whether the route to the emergency room was the quickest when it might be the difference between a few hundred yards by choosing to take one turn over another. In the classroom, this may be found when an HFA student fixates on a perception that a teacher has not enforced a rule consistently. Such fixations on moral correctness can escalate and interfere with availability for instruction.

Reasons for Inflexibility—
  1. Transitioning from one activity to another. This is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before the HFA child is finished with it.
  2. The need to engage in - or continue - a preferred activity (usually an obsessive action or fantasy). 
  3. The need to control a situation. 
  4. The need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity (often something difficult or undesirable). Often, if the child can’t be perfect, she does not want to engage in the activity.
  5. Other internal issues (e.g., sensory, inattention (ADHD), oppositional tendency (ODD), or other psychiatric issues may also be causes of behavior. 
  6. Lack of knowledge about how something is done. By not knowing how the world works with regard to specific situations and events, the child will act inappropriately instead. 
  7. Immediate gratification of a need. 
  8. Anxiety about a current or upcoming event (no matter how trivial it may appear to the parent or teacher). 
  9. A violation of a rule or ritual (i.e., changing something from the way it is “supposed” to be). When someone violates a rule, this may be unacceptable to the HFA youngster. 
  10. A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action.

Inflexibility is often the result of anxiety. The cause of anxiety in the HFA child has a lot to do with the fact that she does not have the ability to understand the world like “typical” kids do.

Because of the neuro-cognitive disorder, the child:
  • will have difficulty understanding rules of society
  • needs explicit instructions
  • does not understand social cues
  • does not understand implied directions
  • does not know how to “read between the lines”
  • does not “take in” what is going on around her

“Facts” are what kids with HFA learn and feel less anxious about. Since these “special needs” kids have a hard time with all the normal rules of society, having “rules” has a calming effect on them. They think, “This is the rule. I can handle it o.k.”

Facts also have to be from someone they think is an “expert” in their eyes. Teachers and doctors may have this leverage with them, but moms and dads are, for the most part, not considered “experts.”

Understanding what causes so much anxiety, tantrums, meltdowns, shutdowns, and out-of-control behavior helps parents to know where their HFA child is coming from, and with that, parents will be able to help their kids less stressed-out.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Parenting Strategies—

Here are some strategies for dealing with an inflexible-thinking youngster:

1. While helping your HFA child to deal with change, be prepared to weather the storm. There will be sadness, tears and tantrums – followed by parental guilt. It’s all part of the process. Remain calm, and accept your youngster for who and what she is.

2. Turn the “change” into an adventure. For example, turn “Are you ready to start a new school year” into “Wow, just think. You’ll get to see all your classmates again.” Since any change can seem frightening to children on the spectrum, the language you use can turn the change into a fun adventure. Changing the tone to one of excitement can make a world of difference in your child’s attitude.

3. Read articles and books about the change in question. Almost any change that your child is going through has been written about (e.g., new siblings, moving to a new neighborhood, starting a new school year, etc.). Go to the library and get as many books as you can on the topic and read together. Reading helps open the lines of communication to talk about the difficulties of the change that is coming.

4. Prepare your HFA youngster for what may happen – and be honest. Voice your plans in a reassuring tone. Explain to him in concrete terms where you will be going, or what may happen along the way, so that he is prepared well before and ready for the change. Also, answer your child’s questions, and tell him the truth (i.e., don’t sugar-coat the situation) so that trust develops. Many tantrums and meltdowns can be avoided, because you keep reminding him throughout the day of what’s going to happen. In this way, there are no unwanted surprises.

5. Many kids on the spectrum have difficulty with the concept of time. But, you can provide your child with simple strategies to measure time (e.g., use an alarm clock or kitchen timer for task transitions, clean up times, or evening rituals). Let your child place a calendar centrally, and help her keep track of important dates (e.g., birthdays, holidays, vacations, the first day of school, etc.). Signal your child verbally or set countdowns for when she must leave an activity that she is enjoying (e.g., “I’m going to turn off the computer in 10 minutes because we are getting close to lunch time”).





 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

6. Let your HFA youngster know of some changes in life YOU have undergone – and how you managed them. Your examples are a way of helping your child cope with change in the future. Relate to his situation. Tell stories about when you have had to weather the storms of change. Also, you can talk about what you might have done differently – something that could have facilitated a better outcome. Alternatively, you can talk about the changes within the other family members and how they changed with circumstances.

7. Kids on the autism spectrum love to follow a routine. Anything away from that worries them. They feel best when they are able to predict things. They feel safe when they know what is on the agenda for the day or what they have to do next. They want to know how other people are likely to behave or react, and what will happen from day to day. So, if you and your youngster are undergoing a significant period of change, try to keep most of his routine the same.

8. Help create sameness by repeating a similar “comfort phrase” (e.g., “Sometimes we have to change our plans, and we will be O.K. when that happens”). Use this exact phrase (or something similar) every time flexibility is needed. This helps to bring a sense of control and predictability during chaos. Your youngster will remember that you said that the last time a change was needed – and everything eventually turned out just fine.

9. Focus on just a few areas where flexibility is needed most. For example, if your youngster is constantly distressed when you’re out running errands, this is the place to start. If he is upset over having a babysitter, start there. If he won’t leave the grandparents’ house without a tantrum, focus on that issue.

10. Encourage your HFA youngster to explore and engage in new activities and interests. In this way, you help her cope with change that will come later in life. When she goes through various new experiences, it provides a fundamental base that strengthens her emotional muscles. It helps her feel good about herself and develops self-confidence.

11. Don’t unintentionally reward your youngster for acting-out due to an unwanted routine change. Uncontrolled anger warrants a predictable, swift consequence. Losing a particular privilege may be the best consequence for HFA children. Be firm. Don’t underestimate your youngster’s ability to manipulate you. Even severely autistic kids can be master manipulators.

12. Create behavior incentives using something that is the same each time (e.g., tokens, tickets, stickers, etc.). Let the sameness of the identical token be the familiar thing during the unfamiliar situation. You can also use marbles dropped into a jar (the smooth texture and “clicks” when they drop is satisfying to most autistic kids). For example, explain to your youngster, “When we leave the park today, if you don’t cry, you’ll get a marble to put in the jar when we get home.” Let her cash in the marbles for a reward at the end of the day.

13. Change itself can come quickly or slowly, but adjusting to the new state of affairs takes time. Make sure you give your youngster – and yourself – the luxury of having time to adjust. Try not to expect too much too soon. Some changes are easy to adjust to, others aren’t. Some HFA children adapt quickly to change, some don’t. As the parent, simply keep doing what you are doing, and know that most changes eventually leave everyone in better places than where they began.

14. Attempt to see things from your child’s point of view. Ask her how she perceives a particular change. A child who airs her misgivings about unwanted changes is more likely to cope better. Talk about the details of what will happen, where she will be, and what she will have to do. Doing so repeatedly helps your child feel prepared.

15. Lastly, always demonstrate love and appreciation when your child “tries” to accept a new situation with courage – even if he is unsuccessful. In other words, be sure to reward “effort” with acknowledgment and praise, regardless of whether or not the desired outcome occurred.

Treatment—

An effective treatment program for inflexibility and “insistence on sameness” actively engages the HFA youngster’s attention in highly structured activities, builds on his interests, offers a predictable schedule, provides regular reinforcement of behavior, and teaches tasks as a series of simple steps. This type of program generally includes the following:
  • specialized speech/language therapy to help kids who have trouble with the pragmatics of speech (i.e., the give-and-take of normal conversation)
  • social skills training, a form of group therapy that teaches HFA kids the skills they need to interact more successfully with their peers
  • parent-training and support to teach moms and dads behavioral techniques to use at home
  • occupational or physical therapy for kids with sensory integration problems or poor motor coordination
  • medication for co-existing conditions (e.g., depression and anxiety)
  • cognitive behavioral therapy, a type of “talk” therapy that can help the more explosive or anxious kids on the spectrum to manage their emotions better and cut back on obsessive interests and repetitive routines

In summary, due to the fact that change causes anxiety in young people with HFA, they will want to live by inflexible rules that they construct for themselves. One of their main rules goes something like this:  “My routine must NOT be disrupted, and involves X, Y and Z. Each time I can do X, Y and Z – in that order – my life has some predictability. When I don’t have this predictability, I feel anxious, which is a very painful emotion that needs to be avoided at all costs!”


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

Can my son with ASD truly understand love?

"My son is 8 yrs old. He is fairly high functioning. Here's the problem. I don't feel like he loves me. Can he truly understand love at all. He does not hug, kiss or cuddle. He never has. He likes to have his back scratched at night, but that's it. He struggles emotionally at school- a lot of anger. But at home you would notice anything out of the ordinary, until supper. Same meal every single night. He has no problems sharing emotions every once in a while with his father (who lives outside of the home). How can I help him to open up to me?!"

 
Many emotional concepts are difficult for kids with ASD. Love is probably one of the most complicated emotions of all. The lack of empathy and inflexibility that many kids on the spectrum live with will definitely make understanding the concept of love difficult – difficult, but not impossible.

It is sometimes hard to separate the idea of a person with autism loving someone from the true source of difficulty, which is the concept of theory of mind. People with autism feel a full range of emotions: anger, sadness, joy, and yes, love. 
 
However, the problem lies in connecting these feelings to the feelings of others. Theory of mind is understanding that another person's thoughts and feelings are their own and how they can coincide with ours, even though they are not reliant on what we are feeling.

The possibilities are there for your son with high-functioning autism. Love is an emotion that he can come to understand. Here are some things you can do to make sure that happens:
  1. Behavioral therapists can use play therapy to enhance your son's theory of mind. Pretend play can be difficult for kids with ASD due to the close connection with understanding other's feelings. Play skills are important for developing relationships on many levels.
  2. Social skills therapy can help him work on social cues, facial expressions, and basic communication, which in turn, will enhance his theory of mind abilities.
  3. Practice facial expression and recognition with pictures in books or family photographs. Explain the emotion and the cause. Using the ‘say, see, hear' approach to enhance his understanding.
  4. Social stories and comic strips can also be used to show situations that cause different emotional responses. Use these to explain why other people may react in various situations.

The process of developing theory of mind is ongoing in kids on the autism spectrum. Love is only a small part of this very complex equation. While love may be a tricky emotional concept for kids with ASD, the basic idea of love is very real. 
 
Balancing the feelings of love within a relationship is what will bring on a variety of experiences, both positive and negative. With straight forward discussion about feelings and emotions, your son should be able to understand love, and be successful at it. 
 
 
By

Helping Children on the Autism Spectrum Overcome Their #1 Deficit

"My son with autism (high functioning) often has very little sympathy or compassion for his younger brother, sometimes bordering on emotional abuse. Any tips or tricks that can assist in this situation would be greatly appreciated!"

The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Aspergers and High Functioning Autism (HFA). Children, teens, and even adults with this disorder experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include:
  • impaired nonverbal behaviors (e.g., eye contact, facial expression, posture, gesture)
  • lack of social or emotional reciprocity (e.g., social "games," give-and-take dynamics)
  • failure to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (e.g., showing others objects of interest)
  • failure to develop friendships

Empathy is one of the foundational moral emotions. It is linked to moral action. It’s a feeling that compels individuals to act compassionately while reasoning alone might not. Kids who don’t develop empathy can become callous grown-ups, oblivious to the hurt and pain they leave in their wake.



Empathy is not something that matures on its own—it must be learned. Moms and dads play an important role in helping their special needs kids acquire empathy by guiding them toward it from infancy, by acting as an “emotion coach,” and by setting an example of empathetic behavior.

While some Aspergers and HFA kids seem to develop empathy more naturally than others, all young people with this disorder need help for this skill to grow. Moms and dads should begin teaching them as early as possible. Kids as young as 18 months can be taught empathy. In fact, some experts say that kids display empathetic responses as early as infancy. Although it may take many years for a youngster’s empathy to mature, starting “empathy training” early does two important things: (a) it creates a seamless transition from understanding verbal instructions to later being able to act, and (b) it gets moms and dads into the habit of noticing teaching moments and seizing them.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Parents with children on the spectrum will need to teach them to “put themselves in some else’s shoes” (so to speak), because this is not a skill that comes naturally to them. Below are the methods to employ in order to achieve this task:

1. Children on the autism spectrum are more likely to show empathic concern for others if they have moms and dads who help them cope with negative emotions in an empathetic, problem-solving-oriented way.

2. These young people may benefit from explicit coaching. In one study, three autistic children watched a grown-up describe how he figured out what another character would think and do next (e.g., “These footprints are a clue. He’ll follow these footprints to the treasure chest and open it up”). The strategy helped these children solve similar problems on their own.



3. Be empathetic yourself in your parenting. While having patience with small kids can be difficult, it’s important to stay as calm as you can when they misbehave. If your youngster does something you don’t like, it’s not helpful to yell. That teaches them that yelling is an acceptable way to handle feelings.

4. Create an open atmosphere in your home so that your kids feel welcome to talk about their experiences, both positive and negative. As they talk to you, behave empathetically by working to understand their feelings, expressing that understanding to them, and by giving them nonverbal cues (e.g., leaning in and nodding) that say you are actively listening.

5. Employ role-playing games. In one study, researchers asked young medical students to simulate the difficulties of old age. For example, students wore goggles covered with transparent tape to simulate the effects of cataracts. To experience poor motor control, the students wore heavy rubber gloves. After the experiment, the students showed greater empathy towards the elderly.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

6. Encourage older kids to become tutors or mentors. Tutors learn that they can’t help very well unless they first learn about the needs and feelings of those they tutor.

7. Help your son or daughter to learn about emotions in general. Young kids feel all of the emotions that grown-ups feel (e.g., frustration, disappointment, sadness, etc.), but they lack experience identifying, labeling, and managing those feelings. When moms and dads help their special needs kids name what they feel, these kids can more easily make sense of their emotional world.

8. Help children develop a sense of morality that depends on internal self-control, not on rewards or punishments. Aspergers and HFA children are capable of being spontaneously helpful and empathetic. But studies have shown that children become less likely to help others if they are given material rewards for doing so. Other studies have shown that children are more likely to develop an internal sense of right and wrong if they are raised with authoritative discipline (i.e., an approach that emphasizes rational explanations and moral consequences, not arbitrary rules and heavy-handed punishments).

9. Help children explore other roles and perspectives. Empathy involves “perspective-taking” (i.e., what the world is like when experienced from another person’s point of view). Stories from books or television are opportunities for children to practice perspective-taking skills. What do the characters think, believe, want, or feel? And how do we know it? When parent and child discuss these questions, children may learn a lot about the way that other people’s minds work. Studies show a link between such family conversations and kid’s performance on perspective-taking tasks.

10. Helping kids develop empathy through service. Through bringing relief to someone who is suffering, kids can come to understand the depths of that suffering. For example, they can hand out blankets and hot tea to homeless families on a particularly cold winter's day, or they can help a recently widowed neighbor by raking her yard or taking her trashcans out. By performing acts of kindness, whether at school, in the family or in the community, kids can't help but think about the hard luck of those they help. When they do, they're sure to think about how it would feel to be in a similar situation.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

11. Moms and dads who are “mind-minded” treat their children as individuals with minds of their own. They also talk to their kids about emotional and mental states, and discuss the ways that our beliefs, desires, and emotions motivate behavior. 

12. Point out to your youngster both similarities and differences between him and other kids. Understanding the ways that others are like him can help him behave empathetically. Knowing that others are different helps him perceive that what helps one person feel better might not help another person.

13. Remember that children on the spectrum are more likely to develop a strong sense of empathy when their own emotional needs are being met at home.



14. Search for opportunities to model empathetic feelings for other people. By modeling empathic behavior and pointing out situations that call for empathy, moms and dads can generate empathetic responses in their children (e.g., if you and your youngster see someone being victimized on a television show, talk with your youngster about how that person must feel).

15. Show children how to “make a face” while they try to imagine how someone else feels. Studies show that simply “going through the motions” of making a facial expression can make us experience the associated emotion. We can “boost” our empathic powers by imitating the facial expressions of people we want to empathize with.

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook 

16. Teach children to follow the motto, "If it feels wrong inside, it's good for no one."  This helps them keep their motives sincere and pure.

17. Teach your kids about people who are models of empathy (e.g., Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, etc.).

18. Teaching kids empathy by not criticizing the unfortunate. Criticizing people with imperfections sends our kids a message that the shortcomings of others are intentional and exclusive to everyone else but us. They learn to criticize others for not correcting those flaws, even when the flaws can't be changed, and to react negatively to imperfect people rather than respond with empathy and compassion.

19. Use "I messages" to teach empathy. When we use "I messages," we send a loud and clear signal: "Understand how I'm feeling right now, please!" For example, a comment like, "I get frustrated when someone walks on my freshly mopped floor with muddy shoes," may jump-start some internal dialogue that makes our kids consider what we are going through and what they should do to make things better.

20. When Aspergers and HFA children have secure attachment relationships (i.e., they can count on their caregivers for emotional and physical support), they are more likely to show empathy and offer help to other children in distress.

Empathy is one of the greatest lessons we can teach to our autistic kids, because it helps them see the good in those around them. If we work hard to raise empathetic kids, they'll develop a sense of inner strength that will protect them against outside influences that pressure them to make the wrong choices.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

Helping Children on the Autism Spectrum Through Divorce


Your very sensitive youngster with Aspergers (AS) or high functioning autism (HFA) will probably sense marital discord long before you do – even if you believe you've been very secretive about it. He may internalize what is occurring around him and assume personal responsibility for it. It is a very disturbing time for child with special needs, and the internal personalization of the situation cannot be contained indefinitely.

In the AS or HFA youngster, this can manifest itself in:
  • Depressive symptoms
  • Heightened anxiety
  • Increase in “acting out” or other “attention-seeking” behaviors
  • Increased difficulty in school
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder
  • Rashes and other skin irritations
  • Regular symptoms of physical illness

Maintaining peace wherever possible and providing reassurances as the divorce unfolds are important considerations for helping AS children through divorce.

Here are 20 crucial tips for helping your child with the transition from a traditional two-parent family to a single-parent family:

1. All kids will require constant reassurances during a time in which uncertainty about the future reigns. This will be especially true of the youngster with AS or HFA, and as you've probably learned, verbal reassurances are not enough.

2. Ask your child about friends of his whose parents are divorced. This is a good way to learn of his fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear-up any misconceptions and remind him that other kids have gone through what he is now going through.

3. Kids on the autism spectrum tend to have many questions, feelings, assumptions and concerns about divorce. Many moms and dads find it difficult to just sit quietly and listen to their kids talk without trying to interrupt with a "fix-it" statement. Your AS child needs to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.

4. Be clear in communicating that the divorce is not your youngster's fault and demystify any new environmental changes.

5. Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.

6. Encourage your youngster to write, draw, cartoon storyboard, or use the computer to communicate his feelings and understanding of the situation. “Social stories” about divorce are very helpful as well. Review and fine-tune this information with him regularly and be prepared to follow his lead in opening-up discussion at times you hadn't anticipated it.

7. If you and your spouse are civil with one another, meeting together with your youngster will be an optimal demonstration of solidarity and goodwill. Explain the circumstances as you would to any of your kids. Don't be surprised if your youngster with AS or HFA punctuates your discussion with his own recollections of marital conflicts that stretch back in time — some of which you may have forgotten or of which you failed to realize the full impact.

8. If you, the parent, are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or stuck, then get help. Therapy can provide a safe, supportive environment in which you can gain insight, learn problem solving skills and find solutions to dealing with the anger and pain of separation and divorce.

9. It is important to stress and review all the things that will stay the same during this transition in addition to walking through the future changes, and to do so often throughout the process.

10. It is natural for any youngster to feel emotional upheaval in wondering whom to “side” with, especially if one parent “plays” the youngster against the other. Your youngster with AS or HFA is likely to feel emotionally torn – even if you are seeking to escape a harmful or abusive situation.


11. Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from your child.

12. Know that certain sights, sounds, and smells can trigger thoughts that will lead to your youngster's need to verbalize his feelings.

13. Know that most kids are naturally inclined to believe that they are somehow the cause of a divorce. This may be intensified in your youngster with AS or HFA and will be reinforced if he witnessed or overheard conflicts in which he was at the center of an argument.

14. Let your child know that it is normal for him to want his parents to get back together again. Kids can feel ashamed about this very normal wish. You can explain to your youngster that once divorced, it is very unlikely that parents ever get back together, but their wish for reconciliation is very normal.

15. Many kids on the autism spectrum hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger or confusion because they are afraid expressing these feelings will upset their parents. They need to know all their feelings are acceptable.

16. Minimize the disruptions your child’s daily routines.

17. Read together and talk about a child’s book on divorce. This will help you explain important facts to your youngster and help him formulate questions he might otherwise not have words for.

18. Reassure your youngster regarding personal safety. Many kids are concerned that, if their parents get a divorce, there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them. Kids living with single mothers may also need reassurance that she has a plan to protect them in case of fire, "burglars" or "ghosts".

19. Your youngster may well have to decide where - and with whom - he'd like to live. This can snowball and lead to other social upheavals concerning a new home, new neighborhood, new family members, and a new school. It may also mean leaving behind friends, family, pets, and very familiar environments. Be sensitive to these changes, because children on the spectrum don’t do well with change in general.

20. Your "special needs" youngster will require pictures, words, and stories to help make sense of it all and to foster some measure of safety and comfort.

*** Additional Considerations ***

Breaking the News—

As soon as you're certain of your divorce plans, talk to your child about your decision to live apart. Although there's no easy way to break the news, if possible have both mom and dad present for this conversation. It's important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you're going to manage telling your child so you don't become upset or angry during the talk.

Tell your child that sometimes grown-ups change the way they love each other or can't agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that children and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Family members often don't agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and children don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give your children enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that children don't need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It's enough for them just to understand what will change in their daily routine, and — just as important — what will not.

With younger children, it's best to keep it simple. You might say something like: "Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don't fight so much, but we both love you very much."

Older children and teenagers may be more in tune with what moms and dads have been going through, and may have more questions based on what they've overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights. 

Handling the Child’s Reactions—

Tell children who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: "I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?" or "We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart."

Not all children react right away. Let yours know that is OK too, and there will be other times to talk when they're ready. Some children try to please their moms and dads by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your children express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they'll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change. Be prepared to answer these and other questions:
  • Can I still do my favorite activities?
  • Can I still go to camp this summer?
  • Where will each parent live?
  • Where will I go to school?
  • Where will we spend holidays such as Thanksgiving?
  • Who will I live with?
  • Will I have to go to a different school?
  • Will I move?
  • Will I still get to see my friends?

Being honest is not always easy when you don't have all the answers, or when children are feeling scared or guilty about what's going on. It's always the right thing to do to tell them what they need to know at that moment.

The Importance of Consistency—

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.

Especially during a divorce, children will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.

It's natural that you'll be concerned about how a youngster is coping with this change. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your children.
  • Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines (e.g., school and social life)?
  • Do they seem to be acting differently than usual?
  • Is a youngster doing things like regressing to younger behaviors (e.g., thumb-sucking or bedwetting)? 

Behavioral changes are important to watch out for. For example, any new or changing signs of:
  • anxiety
  • difficulties with appetite
  • difficulties with friends
  • difficulties with sleep
  • moodiness
  • sadness
  • school problems

All of these can be signs of a problem.

Older children and teenagers may be vulnerable to risky behaviors (e.g., alcohol abuse, drug abuse, skipping school, defiant acts, etc.). Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teenager's well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Adjusting to a New Living Situation—

Because divorce can be such a big change, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually. Several types of living situations should be considered:
  • joint custody in which both legal and physical custody are shared
  • joint custody where one parent has "tie breaking" authority in certain medical or educational domains
  • one parent may have sole custody

Which one is right for your children? That's a tough question and often the one that couples spend most time disagreeing on. Although some children can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one "home" and visiting with the other parent. Some moms and dads choose to both remain in the same home — but this only works in the rarest of circumstances and in general should be avoided.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your youngster's needs should come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to "win." When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what's best for the children. It's important for moms and dads to resolve these issues themselves and not ask the children to choose.

During the preteen years, when children become more involved with activities apart from their moms and dads, they may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. Ideally, children benefit most from consistent support from both moms and dads, but they may resist equal time-sharing if it interrupts school or their social lives. Be prepared for their thoughts on time-sharing, and try to be flexible.

Your youngster may refuse to share time with you and your ex-spouse equally and may try to take sides. If this occurs, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Maintain the visitation schedule and emphasize the importance of the involvement of both moms and dads.

Children sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school year with the non-custodial parent. But this may not reflect that they want to move. Listen to and explore these options if they're brought up. This kind of arrangement can work well in "friendly" divorces, but is not typical of higher-conflict situations.

Changes of any kind are hard — know that you and your children can and will adjust to this one. Finding your inner strength and getting help to learn new coping skills are hard work, but can make a big difference to helping your family get through this difficult time.


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____________________


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Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum to Develop Their Own “Emotional Toolbox”


Perhaps one of the best techniques we as parents of kids with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism, can employ is the creation of an “emotional toolbox” designed to help the child to “repair” his or her feelings.

Most kids know that a toolbox usually includes a variety of tools to repair a machine, for example. So, parents can begin discussion and activities that are used to identify different types of “tools” for specific problems associated with feelings.

For example:
  • One type of “emotional repair tool” can be a paintbrush, which can be used to represent relaxation tools that lower the heart rate (e.g., drawing, reading, listening to calming music, etc.).
  • A picture of a manual can be used to represent thinking tools that are designed to improve cognitive processes (e.g., phrases that encourage reflection before reaction). James, a young man with ASD, developed his “antidote to toxic thoughts” through the use of this tool. He developed a “stop and think first” technique whenever he was upset and about to lash-out at someone.
  • A two-handle saw can be used to represent social activities or people who can help repair feelings (e.g., communication with someone who is known to be sympathetic and able to alleviate negative feelings). This can be by spoken word or typed communication, enabling the child to gain a new perspective on the problem and providing some practical advice. 
  • Another type of emotional repair tool can be represented by a hammer, which signifies physical “tools” for calming down (e.g., going for a walk, bouncing on a trampoline, crushing empty cans for recycling, etc.). The goal here is to repair emotions constructively by a safe physical act that increases the heart rate. One child with Asperger’s explained how running around the yard “takes the fight out of me.”

The idea is to provide a “repair statement” (i.e., self-talk) for the autistic child that counteracts his or her negative thoughts. For instance, “I can't deal with this (a toxic or negative thought), but I can do this with mom’s help (positive thought or antidote).” 
 

The child can also be taught that becoming overly-emotional often inhibits his or her intellectual abilities in a particular situation that requires good problem-solving skills. The self-talk here might be, “When I’m angry and frustrated, I need to cool down so I can think about how to solve this problem.”

The concept of a toolbox can be extremely helpful in enabling the youngster with ASD not only to repair her own feelings, but also to repair the feelings of others. Kids on the spectrum often benefit from instruction in learning what tools to use to help friends and family - and which tools others use - so that they may borrow tools to add to their own emotional repair kit.

Humor and imagination can be used as “thinking tools.” Contrary to popular myths, young people on the spectrum greatly benefit from laughter, can enjoy jokes typical of their developmental level, and can be very creative with puns and jokes.

Parents should also have a discussion of “inappropriate tools” (e.g., one would not use a hammer to fix a wrist watch) to explain how some actions (e.g., violence) are not appropriate emotional repair mechanisms. For instance, one child with Asperger’s would slap himself to stop negative thoughts and feelings, which only had a very temporary effect and did not solve the problem.

Another tool that could become inappropriate is for the child to repeatedly retreat into his fantasy world (e.g., imagining he is a superhero), or to plan retaliation. The use of escape into fantasy literature and games can be a typical tool for ordinary children. But for kids on the autism spectrum, escape is of concern when it becomes the exclusive coping mechanism (e.g., the fine line between fantasy and reality may be unclear to the child).
 

Another concern is when daydreams of retaliation to teasing/bullying are expressed in drawings, writing, and threats. Although this may be a typical means of emotional expression, there is a concern that the expression is misinterpreted as an intention to carry out the fantasy – or may be a precursor to retaliation using weapons.

Talking to pets as a “social tool” in preference to talking to friends or developing relationships with people is another inappropriate tool in some cases.

“Unusual tools” should also be discussed. For instance, one teenage girl with Asperger’s explained that, “Crying doesn't work for me, so I get mad.” In this case, tears were a rare response to feeling sad, with a more common response to sadness being anger, which caused others to misinterpret her behavior.

Another unusual tool is that of being quick at resolving grief and serious tragedies (e.g., death of a loved one). This trait can be of concern to the child’s parents, who expect the classic signs of prolonged and intense grieving. Parents may view the child as uncaring, yet the rapid recovery is simply a characteristic of the disorder.

Developing an emotional toolbox to “fix” feelings is a way to improve a child’s self-esteem, train her to be able to relate to others effectively, and help her develop a sense of how she learns best in the area of social skills and emotional control.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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A Special Message to Teens on the Autism Spectrum

There is a philosophy among some individuals in the autism community that people on the autism spectrum are living their lives on the “wrong planet.” But, this way of thinking favors a flaw-based focus, which is the exact opposite of what we want to achieve. Each of us has a special purpose on this planet.

The universe has a plan for you too, and your job is to get in alignment with this plan. So, be encouraged, you are indeed on the right planet. You belong here. You are in this life for a reason.

As a teenager on the autism spectrum, you have areas of strength and areas of challenge. The good news about Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism is that the individual with this condition possesses many more strengths than weaknesses. As an added bonus, when you capitalize on your strengths, many of your weaknesses become manageable – and some correct themselves by default.

You need to begin to reverse the belief of having to focus your development around overcoming your weaknesses, spending precious energy attempting to try and repair your flaws, while your strengths lie dormant and neglected. Capitalizing on strengths rather than fixing flaws is your greatest asset. I call this having a strengths-based focus.
   


You have things that you are inherently good at. Yet you may be going through your life without truly realizing the things you excel at. Or you may have spent years wasting your valuable time and energy on trying to overcome your weaknesses. This often leads people into attempting to become someone they are not. It leads to a false identity.

Let me make this very clear: you cannot succeed by dealing with weaknesses. Successful people focus on their strengths, they focus on activities and tasks where they can make a positive difference. So for example, if you have the ability to stay "highly focused" on a task for extended periods of time, then put that strength at the center of your character profile. Your key strengths will supply the energy needed to excel within your given profession or hobby.

I'm not saying that you should just ignore your challenges as if they didn't exist. But what I am saying is spend your time and energy building on your strengths. Your flaws will become manageable as you employ a strengths-based focus. Building on strengths is about finding opportunities rather than problems.

It's about learning how to move from analysis to action, taking a proactive stance rather than a reactive stance. For example, if one of your "flaws" is impatience and disorganization, yet you are very creative, you can focus your creative energy and direct it to devising a plan whereby you manage your unorganized tendencies by slowing down and thinking about what you are doing.

The bottom line is this: you are a unique individual who carries a host of skills and attributes which have the potential to become powerful tools to self-empowerment. What you focus on will become your reality. So if you focus on fixing flaws, more flaws show up in your life. If, on the other hand, you focus on your strong points, more strong points begin to appear. This is why you must have a strengths-based focus.

Good luck in life!

______________________

Note to parents:

As the years go by, are you seeing your Asperger's or High-Functioning Autistic teen rapidly becoming reduced to a person who is surviving on:
  • Anger
  • Being a mistake
  • Depression
  • Hate
  • Isolation
  • Low self esteem
  • Resentment
  • Sadness
  • Self hate

Have you heard your teenager say things like:
  • “I'm a mistake.”
  • “I'm dumb.”
  • “I'm useless.”
  •  “I hate myself.”
  • “I wish I were dead.”
  • “What is wrong with me?”
  • “Why was I born?”

If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen! Low self-esteem and behavioral problems go hand-in-hand.

My Aspergers Teen eBook is guaranteed to (a) improve your teen's behavior and self-esteem, and (b) empower parents and assist them in starting to enjoy their amazing special needs teens.
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Aspergers Child Abuse: Physical, Emotional, and Sexual

Aspergers Child Physical Abuse—

The statistics on physical child abuse are alarming. It is estimated hundreds of thousands of kids are physically abused each year by a parent or close relative. Thousands actually die as a result of the abuse. For those who survive, the emotional trauma remains long after the external bruises have healed. Communities and the courts recognize that these emotional “hidden bruises” can be treated. Early recognition and treatment is important to minimize the long term effect of physical abuse. Whenever a youngster says he or she has been abused, it must be taken seriously and immediately evaluated.

Aspergers kids who have been abused may display:

• a poor self image
• aggressive, disruptive, and sometimes illegal behavior
• anger and rage
• anxiety and fears
• drug and alcohol abuse
• fear of entering into new relationships or activities
• feelings of sadness or other symptoms of depression
• flashbacks, nightmares
• inability to trust or love others
• passive, withdrawn or clingy behavior
• school problems or failure
• self destructive or self abusive behavior, suicidal thoughts
• sexual acting out
• sleep problems

Often the severe emotional damage to abused kids does not surface until adolescence or even later, when many abused kids become abusing moms and dads. An adult who was abused as a youngster often has trouble establishing lasting and stable personal relationships. These men and women may have trouble with physical closeness, touching, intimacy, and trust as adults. They are also at higher risk for anxiety, depression, substance abuse, medical illness, and problems at school or work.

Early identification and treatment is important to minimize the long-term consequences of abuse. Qualified mental health professionals should conduct a comprehensive evaluation and provide treatment for kids who have been abused. Through treatment, the abused youngster begins to regain a sense of self-confidence and trust. The family can also be helped to learn new ways of support and communicating with one another. Moms and dads may also benefit from support, parent training and anger management.

Physical abuse is not the only kind of child abuse. Many kids are also victims of neglect, or sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. In all kinds of child abuse, the youngster and the family can benefit from evaluation and treatment from a qualified mental health professional.

In the view of some experts, Aspergers child abuse in this country has reached almost epidemic proportions. According to a recent report, more than two million kids are subjected to neglect and physical, emotional, or sexual abuse every year.

There is no standard definition of what constitutes child abuse, but each state has statutes that describe the forms of child abuse. Regardless of distinctions in legalistic terminology, however, experts agree that the abuse cases reported represent a small percentage of the actual number of kids who are victims of sever abuse.

Causes and Consequences:

Most moms and dads prefer to think of chronic child abuse as something that happens to other people’s kids. While it is evident that certain kinds of stress make abuse statistically more likely – poverty, job loss, marital problems, extremely young and poorly educated mothers – abuse also occurs across all economic lines and in seemingly good homes. Many people blame the prevalence of violence on TV and in the movies, and while that theory has not as yet been fully substantiated, media violence may contribute to our acceptance of physical aggression toward kids. It is worth noting that cultures in which corporal punishment is not sanctioned have much lower rates of child abuse.

Aspergers Child Sexual Abuse—

Child sexual abuse has been reported up to 80,000 times a year, but the number of unreported instances is far greater, because the kids are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult. The problem should be identified, the abuse stopped, and the youngster should receive professional help. The long-term emotional and psychological damage of sexual abuse can be devastating to the youngster.

Child sexual abuse can take place within the family, by a parent, step-parent, sibling or other relative; or outside the home, for example, by a friend, neighbor, child care person, teacher, or stranger. When sexual abuse has occurred, a youngster can develop a variety of distressing feelings, thoughts and behaviors.

No youngster is psychologically prepared to cope with repeated sexual stimulation. Even a two or three year old, who cannot know the sexual activity is wrong, will develop problems resulting from the inability to cope with the overstimulation.

The youngster of five or older who knows and cares for the abuser becomes trapped between affection and loyalty for the person, and the sense that the sexual activities are terribly wrong. If the youngster tries to break away from the sexual relationship, the abuser may threaten the youngster with violence or loss of love. When sexual abuse occurs within the family, the youngster may fear the anger, jealousy or shame of other family members, or be afraid the family will break up if the secret is told.

A youngster who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. The youngster may become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can become suicidal.

Some kids who have been sexually abused have difficulty relating to others except on sexual terms. Some sexually abused kids become child abusers or prostitutes, or have other serious problems when they reach adulthood.

Often there are no obvious external signs of child sexual abuse. Some signs can only be detected on physical exam by a physician.

Sexually abused Aspergers kids may also develop the following:

• aspects of sexual molestation in drawings, games, fantasies
• delinquency/conduct problems
• depression or withdrawal from friends or family
• refusal to go to school
• secretiveness
• seductiveness
• sleep problems or nightmares
• statements that their bodies are dirty or damaged, or fear that there is something wrong with them in the genital area
• suicidal behavior
• unusual aggressiveness, or
• unusual interest in or avoidance of all things of a sexual nature

Child sexual abusers can make the youngster extremely fearful of telling, and only when a special effort has helped the youngster to feel safe, can the youngster talk freely. If a youngster says that he or she has been molested, moms and dads should try to remain calm and reassure the youngster that what happened was not their fault. Moms and dads should seek a medical examination and psychiatric consultation.

Moms and dads can prevent or lessen the chance of sexual abuse by:

• Encouraging professional prevention programs in the local school system
• Teaching kids that respect does not mean blind obedience to adults and to authority, for example, don't tell kids to, Always do everything the teacher or baby-sitter tells you to do
• Telling kids that if someone tries to touch your body and do things that make you feel funny, say NO to that person and tell me right away

Sexually abused kids and their families need immediate professional evaluation and treatment. Child and adolescent psychiatrists can help abused kids regain a sense of self-esteem, cope with feelings of guilt about the abuse, and begin the process of overcoming the trauma. Such treatment can help reduce the risk that the youngster will develop serious problems as an adult.

Many moms and dads are unsure or squeamish about bringing up sexual matters, especially with their kids. Yet, there are ways of laying the groundwork so that you can talk to your youngster without scaring her. Establish an open dialogue about sexual issues early on. If you introduce the subject of sex in a discussion of abuse, there is the danger that the idea of sex may become automatically linked in your youngster’s mind with danger and anxiety.

If you have fostered in your youngster a sense of ownership regarding her body, she will likely have an instinct about what is okay for her body and what is not. You build on her natural sense of ownerships of her body by letting her pick out her own clothes or wash herself in her own way. Also, avoid pushing her to kiss or hug other adults when she clearly does not want to.

Finally, when moms and dads treat their kid’s bodies with respect, kids tent to demand that others treat their bodies in a similar manner. Kids who are consistently hit, grabbed, or physically punished at home may feel that adults are entitled to misuse their bodies simply because they are bigger.

Responding To Aspergers Child Sexual Abuse—

When a youngster tells an adult that he or she has been sexually abused, the adult may feel uncomfortable and may not know what to say or do. The following guidelines should be used when responding to kids who say they have been sexually abused:

What to Say—If a youngster even hints in a vague way that sexual abuse has occurred, encourage him or her to talk freely. Don't make judgmental comments.

• Assure the youngster that they did the right thing in telling. A youngster who is close to the abuser may feel guilty about revealing the secret. The youngster may feel frightened if the abuser has threatened to harm the youngster or other family members as punishment for telling the secret.

• Show that you understand and take seriously what the youngster is saying. Child and adolescent psychiatrists have found that kids who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not. The response to the disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the youngster's ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.

• Tell the youngster that he or she is not to blame for the sexual abuse. Most kids in attempting to make sense out of the abuse will believe that somehow they caused it or may even view it as a form of punishment for imagined or real wrongdoings.

• Finally, offer the youngster protection, and promise that you will promptly take steps to see that the abuse stops.

What to Do—Report any suspicion of child abuse. If the abuse is within the family, report it to the local Child Protection Agency. If the abuse is outside of the family, report it to the police or district attorney's office. Individuals reporting in good faith are immune from prosecution. The agency receiving the report will conduct an evaluation and will take action to protect the youngster.

Moms and dads should consult with their pediatrician or family physician, who may refer them to a physician who specializes in evaluating and treating sexual abuse. The examining doctor will evaluate the youngster's condition and treat any physical problem related to the abuse, gather evidence to help protect the youngster, and reassure the youngster that he or she is all right.

Kids who have been sexually abused should have an evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional to find out how the sexual abuse has affected them, and to determine whether ongoing professional help is necessary for the youngster to deal with the trauma of the abuse. The child and adolescent psychiatrist can also provide support to other family members who may be upset by the abuse.

While most allegations of sexual abuse made by kids are true, some false accusations may arise in custody disputes and in other situations. Occasionally, the court will ask a child and adolescent psychiatrist to help determine whether the youngster is telling the truth, or whether it will hurt the youngster to speak in court about the abuse.

When a youngster is asked as to testify, special considerations--such as videotaping, frequent breaks, exclusion of spectators, and the option not to look at the accused--make the experience much less stressful.

Adults, because of their maturity and knowledge, are always the ones to blame when they abuse kids. The abused kids should never be blamed.

When a youngster tells someone about sexual abuse, a supportive, caring response is the first step in getting help for the youngster and reestablishing their trust in adults.



Best Comment:

My problem is this....I don't have my son (9 years old)living with me at this time so I can't try the different ways of working with him. I am also facing charges of child abuse at this time and it's scary because I didn't do this and my son self-injured himself and told his father I did it. My son is not with me because he was placed with his father by CPS.
In April, my son was diagnosed as having Aspergers after initally being diagnosed as ADHD/OCD and bipolar tendancies. His father (my ex-husband), also has Aspergers (undiagnosed) and my son is like him in EVERY way. I have seen the destruction that this condition has done to his father, who is now engaged to his 6th wife (I was #4). I have been alone in trying to get my son to work through his problems, and to teach him to treat others with respect. He hates my husband, and doesn't treat anyone at my home nicely, especially me. Now because his father "understands" him, he allows my son's behavior, never correcting it because he doesn't know the difference. His father treats everyone poorly so he doesn't see that my son's problems with school and me are a problem, and thinks I am over exagerating our son's bad behaviour even though his teacher and counselor are on my side.

In May my son was kicked out of school after screaming for an hour in the principal's office because he didn't want to do his math test. His father's new fiance took him for the day because I had just had back surgery and was out of time at work to be able to stay home with him (I had him Monday-Friday). When he came home that night, he was adament that I let him live with his father. When I talked to his father, he said my son just wanted to do fun things with me on the weekend so I could still keep him during the week and if we had something fun coming up on the weekend, I could have him then too. Two weeks later, my son tried again to get kicked out of school (since it worked so well the first time) however the principal and vice principal were not at the school that day, just his counselor. His counselor told him she knew what he was up to, and that no matter how long he screamed, he would not be sent home. She explained to him that he could finish his work that he was refusing to do, and return back to class to try and work on having a good day. When faced with the fact that he wasn't going home, he stopped screaming, did his work, and had a good day. She described their relationship after this as "strained" now.

Again, my son insisted he wanted to go and live with his father, and stay with me on the weekend. He again told that this would not happen.

Without getting into the legalities here, I need some help badly. He has now told everyone that I beat him on a daily basis, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I can count 2 times that he had been spanked in a 2 year period by me. Also during this process, in March he reported to his future step-mother that my husband was giving him daily spankings and she in reported us to CPS. When I received the call (2 days after being released from the hospital for my 3rd back surgery) I asked him what this was about, and he said it was about the nightly game that my husband played with him and my 12 year old son. This consisted of them both giving my husband a hug every night before bed. When my husband would release his hug, the boys would take off running, trying to get away before my husband could swat their butts. It was a game that he enjoyed, where he would usually circle back around and punch my husband in the leg, and run off again before he could get the playful swat on his butt. Well, one night he was not on his game and ended up getting tagged. He was pissed, to say the least, for losing that night and went to bed very angry. He stayed up all night obsessing over it, and I suspect went to his father's that morning before school and told his future stepmother that he was spanked the night before.

My oldest son (now 13) is extremely upset with him for lying about this and having CPS investigate it (it was closed out as unsustained). He's also not happy that his brother is telling lies about my "daily beatings". I should also note that my 9 year old was the only child placed by CPS, as my 13 yr old, and my husband's 9 yr old and 6 yr old were deemed to be "safe" (none of them have any problems with me....in fact they all told CPS that my son is not very nice, but I'm very loving).

Both his father and I are police officers. I was forced to retire in October because of my back problems after 21 years. This only compounds things because his father has "pushed" this case through the sheriff's department and now up the chain of command at the D.A.'s office.

I am at a loss as to prove how I did not do these things to my son, and was wondering if you have any ideas that could help me get someone that can help me in court. I have a CPS hearing coming up on December 16th, along with a hearing on December 19th as my ex filed for full custody. 

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