Showing posts sorted by date for query problematic behavior. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query problematic behavior. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Dual Diagnosis in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“Is it common for children with asperger’s or high functioning autism to also have oppositional defiant disorder?”

While it is common for many children and teens on the autism spectrum to exhibit some of the traits of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), only about 10% of these young people actually have an ODD diagnosis.

ODD often occurs with other behavioral and mental health conditions (e.g., Autism and ADHD). In fact, it has been estimated that over 50% of the kids suffering from ODD are also suffers of some other disorder. There are plenty of other conditions that are more common in kids suffering from ODD with the majority of these centering around pronounced learning difficulties.

ODD is often diagnosed when the youngster with Asperger's (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) is in his or her teenage years. The symptoms, which vary in severity, include being irritated and annoyed by authority figures, which in turn leads to them becoming uncooperative and generally defiant.

Experts suggest that ODD affects around 10% of kids on the autism spectrum. ODD will be diagnosed by a specialist when the youngster has displayed a persistent pattern of disobedience towards authority figures (i.e., parents, teachers, etc.).
 
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Diagnosing conditions like ODD is actually quite difficult. However, you can use the list of symptoms below as a starting point. The ODD child:
  • speaks to others in a hateful manner
  • refuses to do anything when asked
  • is argumentative with adults
  • displays touchy, or irritable tendencies
  • displays persistent and prolonged tantrums
  • displays of defiance
  • deliberately tries to upset his or her peers
  • blames others for his or her own mistakes
  • appears to often be angry or irritable

Just because a youngster with AS or HFA is acting up doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she has ODD. It’s perfectly normal for all young people – including those on the spectrum – to test the boundaries, especially at the ages of 2 to 3, and during the teenage years. This is normally nothing to worry about as most of these children will grow out of it eventually.

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

There are a number of things that parents can do to successfully parent a youngster diagnosed with both AS or HFA - and ODD. Here are just a few tips:

1. You have to show that you are in control. Although kids with ODD have a lack of respect for authority figures, you must retain control. Create a "rules contract" to help with this. Write down your expectations on paper. This works because it is a more “formal system,” which the youngster may respond to since it is similar to the way he or she is managed at school. This contract will also help these young people realize that they are responsible for what they do. They need to learn that there are consequences for their actions. Once ODD is diagnosed, at least you know the reason behind the defiant behavior. You can also look into treatment options and therapy with your doctor’s advice.

2. If you are particularly concerned about your youngster, then you might want to take him or her to see
your family doctor. If the doctor is concerned that your youngster is presenting significant symptoms of ODD, then he will refer you to a psychiatrist who is familiar with young people that have such behavioral problems.

3. Too many moms and dads do not have the necessary tools to deal with ODD. They will normally react (rather than respond) when their youngster starts showing defiance by (a) giving in, (b) threatening, (c) yelling, or (d) negotiating. This isn’t the ideal thing to do, because you are showing your son or daughter that he or she can get what they want by behaving in an unacceptable manner.

4. Always deal with your youngster in a calm manner – no matter how frustrated you may be at the time.

5. Introduce rules, rewards and consequences to create wanted behaviors and reduce unwanted ones. A strongly defined structured environment will go a long way in preventing defiant behavior, or managing it if it should appear.
 
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

6. When the youngster does something right, praise that behavior and reinforce what he or she has done. Whenever your youngster does something for you, be sure to let him or her know that you are grateful.

7. You no doubt know that kids on the spectrum need structure. The problem is that it can be difficult to decide on the right type of structure. Regular parenting techniques (e.g., time-outs, grounding) often don’t work with Asperger/ODD kids, because they will often simply use the time to plot some sort of revenge.

8. Carefully pick your battles – you can’t possibly win every one! Make sure that you pick the ones you can win, and then make sure that you DO win them.

9. ONLY talk over problems when your defiant youngster when he or she is calm.

10. NEVER give in to temptation and join in with the shouting. A "shouting match" always puts the ODD child in a one-up position relative to the parent.

11. Don't offer "false rewards" that are just intended to make your youngster feel better. Rewards that are given for the sole purpose of getting the child to calm down and act right will have worse repercussions in the long run – guaranteed!

12. Even though I mentioned “rewards” earlier, understand that rewards for observed positive behavior are the best way to deal with the ODD child.

==> More parenting methods for dealing with oppositional, defiant behavior in kids on the autism spectrum...

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


 PARENTS' COMMENTS:

* Anonymous said... My 10 year old daughter has both, but as she ages, her temper gets calmer and she hasn't slammed a door in two years!!
* Anonymous said... We switched to gluten free diet. Her fits are almost none!
•    Anonymous said...Sometimes these discussions drive me crazy. especially when very revelvant age appropriate behaviours are blamed on our kids DX. Our kids might not proces all things the same but they can be taught. My 9 boy is mouthing off at present, thinks he is 16 and the boss and is pretty disrespectful. so are most of the 9 yo NT boys at his school. the only difference is that its taking jax and myself a very pain staking process to get to understand what is his business and what isnt and what is called disrespectful. many dx to do with behavioural issues that dont have specific proving (ADHD does) are more for the parent then the child. I dont mind if you have a go at me. lets just look at behaviours according to were a child is at, what they might be able to process or express.
•    Anonymous said...Yes Mine sure has ODD!
•    Anonymous said...Yes My son is ADHD, Aspergers, Mood Disorder NOS, ODD and insomnia. Recently his psychiatrist removed the ODD because he believe's that my son is not "defiant". He believes that my son's "defiance" is triggered by things that bother him because of his Aspergers such as, change in routine, over stimulation and from being so tired from his insomnia.
•    Anonymous said...Yes My son was diagnosed at 4 with ADHD and ODD and at 9 he got the Asperger diagnosis.
•    Anonymous said...Yes The Autism Discussion Page on FB is a wealth of information as well. I love the Parenting Asperger's Children page too.
•    Anonymous said...Yes The more I dealt with all of this with my own daughter, the more I realized all these labels are just that; fancy designations slapped onto observed behaviors. They don't necessarily indicate there's a specific "cure" (such as a medication) for the issue, or even a single "right" way to deal with it. In that sense, I agree that ODD is a "B.S. diagnosis". The opposition and/or the defiance is observable and real ... but those are just normal human responses to what happens around them and to them. Why does ANYONE behave this way? Usually, it's a defense mechanism of some sort.
•    Anonymous said...Yes V.S. Ramachandran and other prominent neuroscientists say that ODD is a b.s. diagnosis: look for the processing and/or anxiety issue underlying the behavior, rather than claiming opposition and defiance constitute a disorder in themselves.
•    Anonymous said...Yes We talk it out also when situations come up Lori. We try to 1) see if the situation really warranted the reaction. 2) What could we do differently the next time the situation arises. 3) What kind of outcome do we expect with our behavior? Do we want a positive reaction or a negative one? I try to get my son to see that everything he does has a consequence, be it positive or negative(That is what our therapist has suggested.) We role play to show the positive and negative solutions of certain behaviors ie anger/rage usually will have a negative reaction with people whereas if we can be calm and deal with the situation without yelling we can have a positive resolution. It is a slow process though.
•    Anonymous said...Yes Yes our Boy has a combo of everything!
•    Anonymous said...Yes YES! I just recently figured out that this is what my 9 year old daughter has, in addition to AS. We are having a lot of issues with her rage, and violence. ANY suggestions?? I would LOVE to hear. She is so smart, it makes it difficult to discipline her. Nothing seems to matter to her.
•    Anonymous said...Yes Yes. ASD in general has many other things that occur - ODD, ADD, ADHD, OCD, etc. It's different for every child. My 13 yr old is a rager as well Monica. He has gotten better as he matures but still struggles with things that us NTs could care less about. What I have read and heard from other Psychologists is that Their brains are so emotionally centered (especially in the heat of the moment) that their rational side doesn't work until after the meltdown/rage. They can train their brain to work more rationally but it takes work. My son is working with his Psychologist using role play to 1) Figure out if the situation is Fight or Flight (worth the energy to fight with words/fists or not) 2) Figure out the consequences of the first decision. 3) Act - which sometimes means going back to #1. NTs do this figuring unconsciously, ASD brains do not. At home, we talk through situations as they come up with the same 1, 2, 3 idea as he is getting agitated. The more you help guide them to the more accepted response, the better they will behave when not around you (School, etc). The most important thing I think is to make sure they understand that their emotions are valid, even if you personally don't agree with their feelings at the time. They need to feel understood, appreciated, and SAFE. Listen to their reasoning and then guide them to the more acceptable response.
•    Anonymous said...Yes, I have 2 with Aspies and ODD

Post your comment below…

By

Loneliness & Friendships in Children on the Autism Spectrum

"Is it common for a child with high functioning autism to shun peers who attempt to be friends with him? My son seems to prefer to play alone and I worry how this will impact his relationships in the future."

It is hard to know if kids with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), are as lonely as their moms and dads believe they are. Psychologists do know that playing with a friend, making a friend, and being with a friend are "overwhelming skills" for HFA kids. Many relationships make little sense to kids on the spectrum, because they are almost totally preoccupied with their own agendas.

Teaching HFA kids much needed social skills is a formidable task for moms and dads and educators. It is not like teaching how to ride a bicycle or tie a shoe, but rather trying to teach something no one formally taught you. How did you learn how to read a room? How do you teach someone how to read a room, especially someone who has no understanding of other people's emotions and body language? Kids on the spectrum have no idea about how to reason socially and come up with proper courses of action in social situations. For example, one youngster with AS got lost in the school corridors on her way to gym. She had forgotten the route, but she didn’t think to simply follow her peers to the gym.
 

Nonetheless, therapists emphasize the need to teach autistic kids social skills, because they desperately need them to get along in life. The youngster’s lack of social understanding colors every other experience in his or her life. But the question of whether kids on the spectrum are truly lonely and want friends is a different discussion. Like all kids, some are extroverted while others are more withdrawn. Like all kids, they probably vary in their need for social interactions.

When researchers ask children with HFA about friendship, they are usually very negative. They think of friendship with other kids as too much work and often prefer to connect with grown-ups. For example, when one teacher was forcing a 6-year-old to participate in a playgroup with other kids, he said, "I hate kids. I don't play with kids. I'm not a kid. I was born a grown-up." One “autistic child” stated, "If you like being on your own, then be happy with your own company and don't let anyone convince you that it is wrong." This child’s advice to "pushy moms and dads" is this: Never force your youngster to socialize, because most autistic kids are happy to just be by themselves.

However, these kids might be happier by themselves because social activity has caused them so much pain in the past. In one study, gifted kids with HFA could not describe friendship in positive terms (e.g., "a friend is someone who is nice to you"). They had only negative associations (e.g., "a friend is someone who does not hit you"). These kids told interviewers only about how mean peers had been to them and seemed to lack any idea of what reciprocal friendship really means.

But as young people on the spectrum go through the teenage years, most realize that they are missing out by not “fitting in.” It is at this point in their lives that they crave friendships, but this unfulfilled desire (on top of high school pressure to conform, constant rejection and harassment) can often cause depression and anxiety in HFA adolescents. They grow more isolated even as they crave more interaction with others. Young kids with autism often believe everyone in their kindergarten is the same and everyone is a friend. Autistic adolescents know better.
 

Some research shows that the more time HFA kids spend socializing, the happier they are. Autistic kids can - and do - form friendships. When they do, research shows that even one friendship will speed up their entire social development. Many adults on the spectrum have written about compassionate people who took the time to form friendships with them as children, and by doing so, changed their lives for the better.

Families of children with HFA often talk about their own feelings of loneliness. They tell therapists that marriage to an HFA husband or wife feels like living alone. An autistic spouse often does not attend to details like anniversaries, may not connect with his or her kids on an emotional basis, and may not benefit from marriage counseling.

A mom or dad of a youngster on the spectrum may feel rejection when their youngster refuses to cuddle or express affection. The youngster's needs are unrelenting, and yet the parents’ rewards are sometimes rare. Siblings hide their lonely feelings about living in a family where one youngster monopolizes their parents’ precious time, and they miss the normal give and take of sibling relationships. Many siblings believe that the HFA child's disability is actually an advantage – a passport to special attention, recognition and privilege.

Helping kids with HFA develop social skills will no doubt become easier in the future. Every day, parents and educators are developing better techniques. Researchers are closing-in on the genetic and environmental causes of autism spectrum disorders and may someday develop a cure. There is promising new research being conducted in a comprehensive study of friendship and loneliness in children on the spectrum. Someday, the answers will be clearer for children and teens with HFA – and for the parents who love them.
 



 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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 PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said...  Like a few others here, my son isolates, prefers to be on his own. He also gets frustrated with others and finds them "stupid" (his words). He can't be bothered with people.
•    Anonymous said... actually, my aspie son seeks friendships but many boys end up bullying him because they think he is strange. he's very lonely as a result.
•    Anonymous said... He isolates....I have tried to get him out among peers. It is upsetting and obviously "painful." He has two friends, one with his similar obsessions and one who has tried to keep in touch. I hate watching this but don't even know how to begin changing.
•    Anonymous said... my a/s husband and daughters tend to isolate them self too,they love to spend time on thier obsessions or hobbies.only tend to be friends with others who share same hobby,the more i pushed it made them more stubborn,they love being who they are,
•    Anonymous said... No one seems smart enough(in his mind) for my son. He gets really frustrated with average people. He has plenty of friends and calls on them when he feels tolerant. Otherwise he is happy to be in his world
•    Anonymous said... They are very selective in who they associate with. It is quite normal to find both sides of this coin in any child on the spectrum. An example my daughter will not play with her peers but is quite social with older children.
•    Anonymous said... Both of my boys would rather be with adults than kids their own age
•    Anonymous said... My son has a very difficult time making and keeping friendships. It also doesn't help trying to have him be friends with normal developing children because the parents don't understand the different dynamics of the Aspergers child.
•    Anonymous said... Yes, because they don't understand its out of there comfort zone. My son is 8 and I keep putting him in situations to make friends. Last year on the first day I found a classmate that was new to the school and introduced them. They have developed a good friendship now. Or the best they can under the circumstances. I also have him in sports (which) he likes so he has to interact with others. He still prefers to be by himself but at least he is getting exposure.
•    Anonymous said... It is so difficult to just sit back and let your child isolate themselves instead of joining the group. But they just choose not to see it the way we do. If we push then all hell breaks loose. Welcome to the catch 22 of my struggles
•    Anonymous said... But what can we do NOW to develop social skills in our ASD teens? What can we do for the NT siblings and spouses that are hurting so much? I am so glad to see more research being done but what can we do NOW to teach these social skills to our ASD teens? What can we do NOW for the NT siblings and spouses that are hurting so much? It is really quite damaging and unhealthy for them.

Post your comment below…
By

How Parents Can Help Their Aspergers and HFA Teenagers: 25 Crucial Tips

Bottom line: Mothers and fathers of adolescents with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) face many problems that other parents don’t – and never will ...period!

Time is running out for teaching their Aspergers or HFA teen how to become an independent grown-up. As one mom stated, "There's so little time, and so much left to do." Parents with teens on the autism spectrum are getting ready to face issues like vocational training, teaching adult social skills and independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their youngster (if needed). In the meantime, their childlike (and sometimes childish) teen is often indifferent – and even hostile – to the parent’s concerns for the future.

Once an Aspergers or HFA teen enters the teenage years, his mother/father has to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all teens, the teen on the spectrum is harder to control and less likely to listen to his parents. He may be tired of mom nagging him to “look people in the eyes,” brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there. So what is a parent to do? Can it get any more difficult for crying out loud!?
 

O.K. Take a deep breath and relax for a moment. Here are some ways that parents with Aspergers and HFA adolescents can deal effectively with some common, everyday issues:

1. Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your youngster's prescriptions, so you have to teach your youngster about these dangers. Since most teens o the spectrum are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

2. As you prepare your adolescent for the workforce, keep in mind that people with Aspergers and HA often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, Aspergers and HFA teens are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

3. Because of their sensitivity to textures, teens on the spectrum often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms and dads is to find an adolescent of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person to help you choose clothes that will enable your youngster to blend in with other adolescents. Insist that your adolescent practice good hygiene every day.

4. Celebrate your teen’s humor, creativity, and passion.

5. Do you want to understand the Aspergers or HFA teen`s actions? Just ask yourself: What behavior would make sense if you only had 10 seconds to live?

6. Don’t argue or nag. Instead, either (a) decide that the issue is aggravating but not significant enough to warrant intervention, or (b) make an appointment with your teen to discuss the issue.

7. Forgive your teen and yourself nightly. You didn’t ask to live with the effects of the disorder any more your teen did.

8. If it is working, keep doing it. If not, do something else.

9. If the pressure on your youngster to conform is too great, if he faces constant harassment and rejection, and if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, then it may be time to find another school. The teenage years are often when many moms and dads decide it is in their youngster’s best interest to enter a special education setting. If you decide to work within a public school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your youngster should have an Individual Education Plan (IEP) and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for tests and examinations. Teach your youngster to find a "safe place" at school where he can share emotions with a trusted staff member. The safe place may be the school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

10. If your adolescent is college-bound, you have to prepare him for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show him where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach him how to handle everyday problems such as "Where do you buy deodorant?" and "What if you oversleep and miss a class?" 
 

11. Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent.

12. Keep a sense of humor!!!

13. Know that teens on the spectrum are emotionally younger than their chronological age. So if your 15-year-old is still acting like a 10-year-old, things are going as expected.

14. Know that teenagers with the disorder have only 2 “time frames”: (a) Now and (b) Now. There is no future. There is only now. The past is non-negotiable.

15. Most Aspergers and HFA teens can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter – a trait that helps in driving. However, these teens may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your youngster carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains the disorder. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

16. Most summer and part-time jobs (e.g., movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc.) involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for an adolescent with Aspergers or HFA. Some teens on the spectrum can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other adolescents have spent joyful summers at camps designed for adolescents like them.

17. Negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Moms and dads need to model negotiation, not inflexibility. Don’t worry about losing control. The mother and/or father always gets to decide when negotiation is over and which compromise is accepted.

18. Pick your fights carefully. Is the issue at hand worth chipping away at your relationship with your teen? Can your teen really control the offending behavior at this moment?

19. Plan ahead. Give warnings before transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected, and what the results might be. Have the teen repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to.

20. The teenage years are tough enough for every adolescent – but throw Aspergers or HFA in the mix, and you got a real challenge!

21. When your teenager was little, you could arrange play dates for him. Now you have to teach him how to initiate contact with others. Teach him how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage him to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell his peers that he has a disorder – let him do that himself. Many adolescents with Aspergers and HFA are enjoying each other's company through Internet chat rooms, forums and message boards.

22. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Problem solving can only occur during times of composure. 
 

23. You absolutely have to teach your adolescent about sex. You will not be able to "talk around" the issue. You will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your youngster to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your youngster may need remedial "sex education". For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors (and masturbate only in private).

24. You do not have a standard teen. You can view the issue as a disability, or you can view it as wonderful uniqueness – or you can view it as both! The "disability” viewpoint will help because it eliminates blame, sets reasonable expectations thereby minimizing anger, and points the way for moms and dads and educators to see themselves as "therapists" – not victims. The “wonderful uniqueness” viewpoint will help because you really are in for a special – and often quite enjoyable – experience as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum.

25. You will make it through this – you have no choice. Always keep the following ideas in the back of your mind:
  • a teen with Aspergers or HFA is still a child with thoughts and feelings – you are the adult this youngster looks to for support and guidance
  • negative behaviors usually occur because the teen is spinning out of control, not because he is evil
  • the client in “Aspergers” is the whole family
  • the teenager who needs love and understanding the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways
  • this is hard work – and it is also hard work for your teen

Resist your impulse to strive and struggle to CHANGE your teenager …don’t strain to get desired results. Instead, enjoy the process of the work you are doing in raising him or her. The results you so desperately desire will come independently of your striving for them. Why? Because (a) you are doing a great job of parenting in spite of your opinion about your “parenting-skills” and (b) teens on the spectrum are late-bloomers. They “get it” eventually.

Take heart. Good luck. And don’t forget to take care of yourself!!!
 
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:    
 
 
By

How to Respond to a Frustrated Child on the Autism Spectrum

“Any advice for helping my child (high functioning) to manage frustration over seemingly small things? Even something as minor as losing a game of checkers turns into a major riot, which in turn aggravates me to no end.”

Young people with ASD level 1, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), are easily frustrated. Living in the "typical" world can be confusing, and they need to have someone there to translate and explain every day events to them. All kids get frustrated, and all kids need to learn to manage those frustrations. As a parent, your challenge is to communicate effectively and to try not to get frustrated yourself. Here's how:

1. When something irritates you, tell your HFA youngster what you are feeling so he can learn to recognize emotions in others and label them in himself. Then talk (out loud) yourself through the frustration so that your youngster can hear your “positive spin” on the situation  (e.g., “This is really not a big deal” … “I need to calm down” … “Relax and take a few deep breaths” … “It’s okay, I can deal with this”).

2. Any time you encounter frustration while in the presence of your HFA youngster, imagine that she will replicate your exact behavior every single time she is frustrated for the rest of her life—so proceed carefully! Take care not to raise your voice too loudly, or be disrespectful to others. If you do any of these things, make sure to tell your youngster that you made a mistake behaving in that way and need to make a better choice next time.

3. Make sure that your youngster is given a few opportunities to play with other kids in situations where close adult supervision is not required. Parents should be responsible for ensuring their child’s safety, but other than that, try to let your child and his peers work out problems among themselves. When kids play independently, they learn how to deal with frustration in ways other than letting grown-ups solve their problems.

4. Do not accidentally teach your HFA youngster that expressing frustration inappropriately (e.g., screaming or hitting) is a good way to get your attention, even if it is negative attention. Ignore these behaviors if they're not causing serious harm, and give lots of positive attention for times when your youngster handles a potentially frustrating situation in a healthy manner, and point out specifically what he did effectively. 
 

5. When you see your youngster become frustrated, try not to mirror that frustration in your own voice or behaviors. Instead, focus on staying calm and talking your youngster through the situation in a gentle voice, guiding him to mirror you. Acknowledge that he is frustrated, but stress the importance of continuing to try to do something that he may find difficult.

6. Give ample attention to acceptable behaviors so that your HFA youngster learns about positive consequences as well. Use a behavior chart as a visual aid to assist her in developing awareness regarding how she handles her frustrations. Place a sticker, happy face or star onto the chart whenever she remembers to manage her reactions in a positive way. Keep track of how many stickers she has accumulated, and reward her with a special activity once she reaches a predetermined goal.

7. Keep your youngster’s world as predictable and routine as possible. If HFA kids feel confident and secure in general, they will be able to handle minor setbacks and frustrations.

8. Look for opportunities to challenge your “special needs” child. Routinely ask her to do things that are slightly beyond what she has been capable of doing in the past. Do not jump in to help her. If you see her struggling, instead of immediately helping, try to prompt her by offering hints to make the situation easier. If she is really having difficulty and does not seem to be making any progress, break the task down into small steps. If necessary, guide her through (or even do the first step for her), and then back off again. Your youngster should be hearing the following phrase over and over again: “Try it yourself first, and if you have a problem doing it, I’ll help you get started.”

9. Use your youngster’s teacher as a resource. Ask for suggestions about how the school deals with frustration in students in general, as well as for specific tips about helping your youngster. The more that you can be consistent with what the school is doing, the easier it will be for your youngster to internalize the lessons that you and the teacher are trying to teach.

10. Help your youngster learn the important skill of “delayed gratification.” Autistic kids do not yet have the brain development or experience to effectively cope when they have to wait for what they want, so parents have to give them practice developing this skill. As much as possible, have your child wait for what she wants, even if it's just for a minute or two. Talk to her about how to distract herself while she is waiting for something.

11. Every evening, review the day with your youngster to discuss how she handled various situations throughout the day. Always bring attention to the positive behaviors she displayed during the day. Reiterate the consequences that occurred in different scenarios to help her understand how her behavior affected both herself and others.

12. If your son or daughter is an adolescent, remember that all adolescents struggle with testing limits, learning to make their own decisions, and learning to function independently. All adolescents struggle with making and keeping friends, with finding success at school, and even with the development of romantic relationships. Your autistic teen may be more frustrated than a “typical” teen, but he may not have the skills to handle those frustrations. So, set appropriate limits while trying to give your teenager some leeway to function independently.




An ASD youngster can grow frustrated when an obstacle arises in his effort to achieve a goal. However, frustration can prove a valuable emotion; it can motivate the youngster to surmount the obstacle with an extra spurt of determination and initiative. Parents can use the techniques listed above to help their “special needs” children deal effectively with day-to-day frustrations.
 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

The Connections Between ADHD and ASD

"Are there any connections between ADHD children and those with high functioning autism? My child is diagnosed with ADHD, but he seems to cross over a bit with weak social skills and emotional behavior. How do you determine what is ADHD-related behavior versus autism-related behavior?"

The symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) do mimic one another, and there are some connections between ADHD and HFA. In fact, there are dual diagnoses of ADHD and HFA in many cases.

Both of these diagnoses are developmental disorders. They share many of the same behavioral features and both affect children in the areas of behavior, communication, and social interaction. As a result, there is often some confusion as to which disorder is present. Medical, mental health and educational professionals need to be trained to differentiate between the disorders and diagnose the correct one.

Here is a list of the behaviors that may be seen in HFA and/or Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder:
  • Avoids attending to details
  • Behavior driven by impulses
  • Cannot talk or play quietly
  • Constantly active
  • Difficulty interacting with peers
  • Difficulty with appropriate emotional responses
  • Disruptive with others
  • Does not want to wait
  • Exhibits severe temper tantrums
  • Fearlessness
  • Feelings of invincibility
  • Has difficulty listening or conversing
  • Impatient
  • Impulsive work effort that results in mistakes
  • Inappropriate laughter
  • Inattentive
  • Inconsistent fine motor skills
  • Interrupts others
  • Makes mistakes in work activities
  • Minimal eye contact
  • Physical over-activity or lack of physical activity
  • Problems with gross/fine motor skills
  • Resistant to intimacy
  • Risk taker
  • Talks and/or acts inappropriately
  • Temper tantrums without provocation
  • Willingly becomes involved in potentially dangerous activities

==> More information on the ASD/ADHD overlap can be found here…
    

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Very helpful.
•    Anonymous said... Aspergers is like living in a black and white world. There is no grey area for these kids. It is or it is not and it's hard to reason with them. My son is 8 and has ADHD, aniexty disorder and aspergers. His meltdowns are few as long as we keep a very strick schedule. The school is actually easier then the summer. My son had a melt down at his diving practice the other day when another boy came in and cut him in line. At this age it should get you a little mad but not a tantrum. They can fixate on a topic and won't let it go. My son had an argument with his teacher last year over one thousand and him saying 10 hundred is short for a thousand.
•    Anonymous said... My son was diagnosed with adhd last week. They also said he's right on the edge of being in the autism spectrum. They suspect high functioning and aspergers but because it was so close he was only diagnosed with adhd right now. He's 5.
•    Anonymous said... Thank you for posting this! My child was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. Last year (4th grade) her resource teacher started questioning Aspergers as well. We will begin testing in 5th grade.
•    Anonymous said… I had the same thing with my child's school. Was a Tough battle because.....how do they put it..." we are experienced..." as if we as mothers are so uneducated and don't know our kids you know. Very frustrating.
•    Anonymous said… I have a grandson with ADHD and one with autism. Many similarities.
•    Anonymous said… I think people only react that way to medication because it's being used more often than not, as "the easy way out" to deal with "difficult" children.
•    Anonymous said… I'm wondering how many children have both? We're in the beginnings of getting a diagnosis. They told us adhd vs asd or both. Like other parents, he can sit for hours and read a book, build with Legos and has no problem with attention span when it is something he desires to do or learn. Any input is appreciated. We are 5 months out from our official multidisciplinary evaluation to give us answers. As a nurse, I suspect my nephew has both. Unfortunately, he suffered significant trauma, neglect and abuse and we have been chasing that rabbit down the hole for a long time.
•    Anonymous said… It is important to get the right diagnosis because the education programs implemented in IEPs for ADHD are different than what can be included in ASD educational modification plans.
•    Anonymous said… It took from kindergarten to the end of second grade to get his diagnosis from the school psychiatrist. He was tested for ADHD, language reception, IQ, gifted, etc...all first. If they had just listened to me and tested for ASD at the start he wouldn't have fallen behind Thankfully during that time he had teachers who went above and beyond to accomodate him as best they could until he got an IEP and his third grade teachers got him caught up very quickly.
•    Anonymous said… My dd20 has both and takes meds. I'm offended when people get on their high horse about medication. Some people would not function without them!
•    Anonymous said… my son has ADHD and Aspergers
•    Anonymous said… My son has Aspergers and a diagnosis of ADHD. My daughter also Aspergers, no formal diagnosis of ADHD but it is present.
•    Anonymous said… My son is both too- and yes they do cross over and I wondered exactly the same as you.
•    Anonymous said… My son is both. ADD diagnosed first. Yes they crosssover.
•    Anonymous said… My sons ADHD said out of all her years of practicing she's never had an autistic/ Asperger child not have ADHD- it's hand and glove -- I'm surprised more have not been told this  😬
•    Anonymous said… Personally I think many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed and are really Aspergers. It's the first thing a school suggests and many parents do not delve any deeper. I knew my son was not ADHD as he could sit for hours focused on a single thing [among other symptoms]. I mentioned when they brought up attention deficit testing that I thought he had a touch of autism and pushed the evaluation in that direction, which greatly displeased the school counselor because she thought otherwise and was all about meds.
•    Anonymous said… Possible to have both. My son does. Sophisticated educational testing which I paid for and evaluation which the school district paid for got to the bottom of it all.
•    Anonymous said… These symptoms do go along with autism much of the time, but I personally think ADHD is over-diagnosed. It's easy to slap that diagnosis on someone who presents with hyperactivity and inattention, but these are often symptoms, rather than an actual diagnosis. For example, hyperactivity and inattention often go along with sensory processing disorder, and SPD affects at least 75% of people with autism. The treatment for ADHD is medication, whereas the treatment for SPD is occupational therapy. Since SPD is prevalent in kids with autism and the treatment differs from that of ADHD, it's important to determine the root of these symptoms in order to correctly treat them.
•    Anonymous said… They are often co morbid diagnoses
•    Anonymous said… Yes and since the upping of toxins into developing babies/brains, a big explosion in both and the severity. Follow the stats. People didn't believe in ADHD either unfortunately. Then they just over prescribed drugs, none of this natural (the numbers, drugs or directly injected neurotoxins). Yuck.
*   Anonymous said... My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 4-5years of age. I'm looking into an alternative diagnosis because I think they got it wrong!! He is now 9-10years old. Thanks for the article and other comments- I think I'm on the right track!! Understanding HFA could help to prevent the constant WW3 in our home.
 
Post your comment below…

By

Teaching Social Skills to Teens on the Autism Spectrum: Tips for Parents

"How should I deal with my 13-year-old son now? Should I simply accept him as he is now, or should I actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to ‘fit in’ better (e.g., look in a person’s eyes when talking, how to be a friend, conversations should be two way instead of him delivering a monologue, etc.). Are these skills even teachable?"

These skills are very teachable, and you should definitely work on them with your child. This type of teaching should begin even earlier than age 13. But, at age 13, your child is likely to learn them more easily than he would have at a younger age.

Teens with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's often have a difficult time during adolescence. They become isolated socially and face rejection and bullying due to the fact that they act differently from others. They long for friends, but have very weak social skills.

There are some teens that do well during these years (if they are indifferent to peer-pressure and focused on a special interest of their own). Encouraging your child to develop a special interest may help him form friendships with other teenagers that have the same interest.

One of the biggest issues for most teenagers on the autism spectrum is that they don’t care about the usual fads, adolescent activities, and peer expectations. Sometimes their interests are more appropriate for younger kids. Males may be rejected if they are not interested in sports. Some of these issues can be resolved by helping your child learn about fads, adolescent life, and sports.
 
==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

Even if your child isn’t very interested or doesn’t want to participate in them, it will help him understand his friends. Teach him how to talk about celebrities, teen rituals, and sports using social stories and role-playing. Focus on teaching him how to speak briefly, and then wait for the other person to respond before he speaks again.

Encourage your child to initiate contact with friends, leave phone messages, and arrange social activities. Encourage him to join clubs, especially those that focus on a special interest of his. Some teenagers enjoy talking with other teens on the spectrum in internet chat rooms, forums, and on message boards.

It helps "special needs" teenagers if moms and dads are involved in arranging social interactions with friends. Parents should help organize and supervise appropriate activities. Teaching your son how to join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on common topics, make eye contact, etc., will definitely be a big boost to his emotional development.

Behavioral therapy with a counselor also helps these young people learn how to function. Any kind of therapy takes effort on the part of the teen and his mother or father. The success of therapy depends on the teen’s own desire to fit in.

Social stories can be used to teach appropriate behavior in a variety of settings. Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or educators. Social Stories are a tool for teaching social skills and provide accurate information about situations that your child may find difficult or confusing. A situation is described in detail, and focus is placed on a few key points:
  • the actions and reactions that might be expected of the child
  • why certain actions and reactions are expected
  • important social cues
  • events and reactions the child might expect to occur

The goal is to (a) increase the child’s understanding of a particular situation, (b) make him more comfortable in social interactions, and (c) teach some responses that are appropriate for the context of the social exchange. 
 
 
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
 


Here's what parents of teens with HFA and Asperger's have had to say about this issue:

Anonymous said... I started teaching my kid ways to socialize since she was 2, because in the park she always wanted to play by herself, and I always tried her to play with others. Today she is 9, and she still have problems to make friends, but she has improved a lot. Yes, you can teach your kid how to socialize. Just remember that it will take a lot of effort and you will not see the results right away.

Anonymous said... Why would you want to change who he is? Society perhaps should adapt to him. Pressure to be like others and to fit in with others is stressful and unnecessary.

Anonymous said... i do accept my son the way he is but i also teach him what is acceptable socially.

Anonymous said... My daughter is 8, and it is hard for ME to see her watch other kids, look like she wants to play with them, but doesnt know how. She is a high functioning Aspie, but with social things she doesnt do well with. Now if there are younger kids she sometimes attempts to play with them, mentally she is only 5, but the lil kids are intimidtaed by her size and dont understand she just wants to play.

Anonymous said... I could have written that myself !!! LOL Mine comes home from school crying that she's not allowed to play with the kids she understands, and doesn't understand the kids she's allowed to play with

Anonymous said... My son is 14 and he is different but he dose his best to fit in and it works he is very popular with many of his friends he go, s to under age disco, s and dances, and he is very lucky , but iv just let him be who he is and yes he has been bullied when he was younger but lucky he has gone forward in being a teenager and has gone leaps and bounds, my other aspie child is very different and she is nearly a teenager not sure how she will go but iv bought her up to be confident , in her normal self and with her differences made them special and all her friend love her , so all I cam say is love who they are and appreciate there differences and they will be fine ......:)

Anonymous said... Re: Why would you want to change who he is? Society prehaps should adapt to him. Pressure to be like others and to fit in with others is stressful and unnecessary... ...Unfortunately society is not likely to adapt to the Aspergers child. In fact, if the Aspergers child does not learn how to "fit-in", he/she may very well find himself/herself on the receiving end of some form of abuse. Sad fact for sure.

Anonymous said... In order to succeed socializing is a key component help him to learn skills that will help him navigate a social setting when necessary. There is a difference between choosing not to socialize and not knowing how to. You want him to know how to. We don't change our children that is impossible we equip, empower and build their skills. Socializing is a skill.

Anonymous said... They definitely are teachable. Some of it will depend on how much he wants to fit in. I was desperate to fit in, so I learned to look at people's mouths instead of eyes. I often don't say much to people to begin with, I tell them straight-up that I would love to get to know them but I struggle sometimes because I have Aspergers. Try to teach your son the important stuff... Good listening skills, the ability to try and see things from another's point of view, and most importantly that there are other people with Aspergers who he can vent to when the world frustrates him. He needs to feel comfortable being himself, even if he doesn't always fit in (no one ever fits in everywhere, Aspie or not). It took me til I was 29 to be told by my ASD son and daughter's psych that I have Aspergers. My own psych confirmed it. All I knew was that I never felt right. It used to make me really depressed. Now I know why I always felt like a freak, I love being Aspie. I accept myself, and I'm much much happier.

Anonymous said...This article could have been written about my 14 year old son. It is a constant effort to coach him through his social interactions. Luckily he is not defiant, and he is making progress, but it is slow . I wish society could be more forgiving, but it's tough out there, so I won't give up. Thank you for a great article.

Anonymous said... Your never going to be able to teach him anything.....All you can do is hope he grows out of his ways.trust me I've tried everything. And also me and my wife don't believe in meds.....That's just another addicting drug to add to an already bad situation.

Anonymous said...  My son is now 15 we/ he will never stop learning and growing! I think if I just left things as is , even though there are struggles my son Liam goes through, he would be disappointed in me if I didn't stay growing in this life with him and help him, yes help him not push him for all the negative commenters, to be his best him. Think about it, is it really any different if he didn't have Asperger? I also have a younger son, 14, its my responsibility and privileged to help him in any way to figure out his life, get him any help he needs as he grows. There are sooo many things you can do to still challenge him and yet make his life fun at the same time. Just get some help, lots and lits of help lol cuz us Asperger/autism moms need it! Don't give up just because it may seem hopeless at times or frustrating, it will be worth it in the end! God bless, Good luck, were here for you!

Anonymous said... All kids are different...me and my wife are not being discouraging. Even his doctor said all I can do is hope he grows out of some of his ways and over the last two years he has started to actually grow up some.

Anonymous said... as soon as I adopted my son, I asked a doc to take him off his meds. He's fine now. He's 15 and as he gets older, I see less awkwardness and more maturity. It's just a process but mostly you just have to keep pointing them in the right direction.

Anonymous said... Aspergers is just ONE part of your child! It is not the definition of your child ... Of course You should "accept" him - what else are you going to do, shun him!? Oh yes, please - lets do what everyone else in society is doing so he has no sense of safety!!! Grrr. This is 2015, people! Of course you should teach your child manners and expect him to behave accordingly (tho no one is perfect.) It's an on-going thing - social skills, learning to read social cues from peers - it's an every-day practiced task .... It takes patience & training. and for what it's worth - I feel like there is nothing wrong w/ using meds if that's what works for you ... I used to say "I never ..." Well guess what - life has taught me to never say "never" and never say "always." Can we please stop judging one another & try to be supportive?! If you're a parent of a child who is on the spectrum, you should at least know this much: you've met one kid on the spectrum, you've met one kid on the spectrum .... No one is alike in their diagnosis. So please - when everyone else in the world is shunning our amazing kids, can we please try to show them a little love & understanding?

Anonymous said... Be thankful your child didn't need meds. Mine could not have attended school if we didn't use them for anxiety and he is now a pleasant 17 year old. His behaviors have constantly changed and improved over the years. Maturity and experience help. We still limit too much exposure to crowds, smells, stress, but he is so much more willing to try different situations now.

Anonymous said... I don't give my Apsie 13 yr old daughter meds. I have never treated her like she is different, she gets enough of that at school. Aspie kids are NOT dumb, stupid, or idiots. They learn. Right now my aspie kid is helping my sister in law out with organizing stuff. She is the laziest child, part of this may be the apsie in her, part I know is the 13 yr old. I make my kid go places sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. Take him swimming at the public pool. If that's too much, go early when it first opens. Take them to the mall, even if it's a 15-30 min trip. Never give up, and never think anything is impossible! My kids teach me this everyday!

Anonymous said... I thinks dads in general are negative. My son's father told him he was sick of his aspergers. Just stop it. HELLO!!!! It isn't going away. You have to deal with it. Two young men in Seattle that have aspergers started a self help and coaching. Aspergers experts.they are awesome.

Anonymous said... I work with children and aspergers children, its in my family and I'm told I am. Teach your children love, kindness and acceptance. I am always real with children I have had some lovely experiences of aspergers children, I love their honesty. We all have to fit into this world, thus sometimes cruel world, but they'll be fine if they have guidance.

Anonymous said... Where there is a will there is a way. I will never give up on my son and if one way does t work we will find another. My son is 8 and we take each day as it comes. We have looked foe things he is good at and it turns out he is a great springboard diver. We are looking to get him a service dog (they have great success with aspergers kids) we see a therapist every other week because he like going and talking to him. His meds doctor has been great and monitors him closely. We still have bad days and we still have our struggles but really what kid doesnt. Things sink in you just can't give up

Anonymous said... Meds are more then likely not for Aspies, but for anxiety. My son has major anxiety and could not even leave his room without them. Being an Aspie is not a problem at all! Unless you blame the anxiety from having Aspergers. Learning daily and trying to get through.

Anonymous said... My aspie is beautiful xx and from a young age has been a blessing .. he events teaches me stuff and in return he wants to learn to socialise we reach each other . And I wouldn't have him any other way .. the anxiety comes in stages and at his age it's up to me to recognise when and what to do quickly.

Anonymous said... Are you a parent? Then it is your job to teach your child how to function and act in their world. I'm confused why if a child is an Aspie, you aren't supposed to parent? I'm an Aspie, my son's an Aspie. Most people think he is neurotypical in brief meetings, and that I am outgoing. Why? Because we work to learn how to convey behaviours that are socially acceptable. That doesn't mean we are completely without our quirks. My son is 11 and feels more comfortable in his skin knowing he can respond appropriately in certain situations, and minimize awkwardness. Once he gets to know someone, they've already achieved some comfort in his presence and are accepting of his quirks. He'll never be a cookie cutter person, but he also will have the know how to convey compassion and empathy to the people he cares about, even if he doesn't fully understand the problem they are having.

Anonymous said... We help our son as much as we can.he has special help at school,special docs etc we haven't given up its just that the more things change the more they stay the same it just gets discouraging to us at times.....that's all...prayer is the thing that works the best.without God we couldn't deal with it as we do.but it is hard but with Gods help he will grow up into a fine young boy and we do love him.

Anonymous said... We tried to connect with other families with kids that are simular and we joined a social group. We go out to other kids houses and special outings by our group. We found that the more confortable our son is with something the more like he is to be more social. An example is finding friends for our son, he is now confortable going out in public with his friends or with groups where he has already meet people. He has taught some of his friends the things he like (yu gi oh) and they have taught him some of their's. That way they are not always talking about their one thing. Also if you can find a group for things your son likes then he can talk with them about stuff. The more you get out the more confortable he will be. Not sure where you are but there is a group called TAG teens w/ aspergers group in our area and we do a lot of fun things together. It's a nice time for parents to talk too.

Please post your comment below...
By

Defiance in Teenagers with High-Functioning Autism

"My son (high functioning autistic) is now 13 ...he was diagnosed at the age of 8. All of a sudden he is acting out, cussing all the time, lying, being disrespectful and verbally abusive, and has an overall grumpy attitude. Are these years the hardest, or is this just the beginning? When he finally hits puberty, will things get better?"

Yes, the teen years are the hardest, whether your son has High Functioning Autism (HFA) or not! He has probably “hit” puberty already, but it’s just beginning.

Raging hormones and frustration with social interactions at school can cause a lot of anger and bad behavior during the teen years, especially for adolescents with "special needs!" Many need counseling to negotiate this time in their lives successfully. Peer-rejection, teasing, bullying, and all other other stressors that your son may have to endure can take a psychological toll, which may in turn influence him to act-out his frustration on a "safe" target at home (i.e., YOU).

Your son is exhibiting rebellious behavior, and this type of behavior fulfills his needs. For example, he may have the need to:
  • Avoid responsibility (e.g., attending school, obeying parents)
  • Get something (e.g., his way in a decision, your attention, control over a situation)
  • Manage pain (e.g., physical and/or emotional stress that must be alleviated)
  • Fulfill sensory needs (e.g., relief from heat, cold, or to satisfy thirst)

Having a developmental disorder such as HFA or Asperger’s is no excuse for being verbally abusive. However, it is important for you to understand that some of the associated symptoms do contribute to defiant behavior. Teens on the autism spectrum may display some - or all - of the following characteristics, many of which contribute to problematic behavior:
  • the teen may be able to talk extensively on a topic of interest, but have difficulty with more practical tasks such as recounting the day’s events, telling a story, or understanding jokes and sarcasm
  • sensitivity to criticism 
  • preference for playing alone or with adults
  • narrow field of interests (e.g., a teen with HFA may focus on learning all there is to know about cars, trains or computers)
  • language may be considered to be very advanced or ‘precocious’ when compared to their peers
  • lack of appreciation that communication involves listening as well as talking (e.g., they may not allow their communication partner an opportunity to engage in the conversation)
  • inability to understand the rules of social behavior or the feelings of others
  • difficulty ‘reading’ body language (e.g., a teen with HFA may not understand that someone is showing that they are unhappy by frowning)
  • having rules and rituals that they insist all family members follow
  • difficulty in forming friendships
  • behavior varies from mildly unusual, eccentric or ‘odd’ to quite aggressive and difficult
  • apparently good language skills, but difficulty with communication
  • anger and aggression when things do not happen as they want

 
Your son is unlikely to identify with your feelings or comprehend others’ objections to his behavior. The only explanation you should use with him is to specifically state that the objectionable behavior is not permitted. Your son needs to follow rules, and following rules can help to focus and modify his rebellious behavior.

Behavior modification is a therapeutic approach that can change your son’s behavior. You need to determine the need that his rebellion/aggression fulfills and teach him an acceptable replacement behavior. For example, your son can be taught to ask for, point to, or show an emotion card to indicate the need that he is trying to fulfill.

Sometimes, self-stimulating behaviors such as rocking or pacing are taught as replacement behaviors, but it will take time for your son to integrate these behaviors into his daily activities. If your son is severely out of control, he needs to be physically removed from the situation. Granted, this may be easier said than done, and you may need someone to help you; yet, behavior modification can be helpful, and it must be started as soon as possible.

For adolescents on the autism spectrum, the importance of maintaining a daily routine can't be stressed enough. A daily routine produces behavioral stability and psychological comfort. Also, it lessens their need to make demands. When you establish a daily routine, you eliminate some of the situations in which your son’s behavior becomes demanding. For example, by building in regular times to give him attention, he may have less need to show aggression to try to get that attention.

Ideally over time, your son will learn to recognize and communicate the causes of his aggression and get his needs met by using communication. Unfortunately, teens who get their needs met due to aggression or violence are very likely to continue and escalate this defiant behavior.

A behavior therapy program may help; however, an individualized program has to be designed specifically for your son because adolescents on the spectrum vary greatly in their challenges and/or family circumstances. Treatment approaches that work well with other diagnoses may not work with HFA. Consult a psychiatrist who can oversee a treatment plan as well as any medication regimen that your son may be need.

In addition to the suggestions listed above, here are a few simple parenting tips that may help:
  • Take care of yourself. Counseling can provide an outlet for your own mental health concerns that could interfere with the successful management of your son's defiant behavior. If you're depressed or anxious, that could lead to disengagement from your son, which can trigger or worsen oppositional behaviors. Let go of things that you or your son did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate. Learn ways to calm yourself, and take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise, and spend some time away from your son to restore your energy.
  • Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your son. Asking him to help develop that routine can be helpful.
  • Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences.
  • At first, your son is not likely to be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his behavior. Setbacks and relapses are normal, so be prepared with a plan to manage those times. 
  • Remind yourself that your son’s defiance is most likely a temporary inconvenience rather than a permanent catastrophe.
  • Recognize and praise your son's positive behaviors. Be as specific as possible (e.g., "I really liked the way you cleaned up your room tonight").
  • Pick your battles carefully. Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it.
  • Model the behavior you want your son to exhibit.
  • Develop a united front. Work with your partner/spouse to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.
  • Remember that behavior often temporarily worsens when new limits and expectations are set. However, with persistence and consistency, the initial hard work will pay off with improved behavior.
  • Build in time together. Develop a consistent weekly schedule that involves you and your son being together.
  • Assign your son a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless he does it. Initially, it's important to set him up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve, then gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations.



Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Its so good to not feel alone in this. My son emailed the principle and councilor this week with a page of cuss words, then says "he doesn't remember it". He never talks at home like that. Trying to find alternatives for anger, like using a punching bag. But that day I had no idea he was even upset that is what scares me. Praying lots and lots.
•    Anonymous said... My Son doesnt like going outside at all eather!... Not very nice if he's got a little Sis that does want to go and do nice things tho... But tried to take him out today, but it was Far to Busy! Really made him have a Noise overload in his head till now... We'v been back for 10 hours... Must be horrible for him...
•    Anonymous said... my son like that as well. Does not want to go outside because the kids are making poor choices
•    Anonymous said... Not only does the stew of Aspie issues flare up at new situations and new social expectations. But puberty hits and the hormones kick in like they do in non-Aspie kids. So you get a double dose of Teenage attitude.
•    Anonymous said... Puberty makes them begin to resemble something of aliens. lol Seriously though they do become quite difficult. The acting out, cussing, lying, etc., all are magnified x 3 during this time. Counseling and keeping the schedule has helped us. In the end however not much helps lately. Praying a lot. Good luck.
•    Anonymous said... There may be commorbid conditions. Mine has ODD and ADHD. But, yes, teens will always test limits. Be thankful he's a boy; ) Deep breaths. And approach delicately. Never demand, request. Always give him time to respond, and make a consequence that fits the "crime" and stick to it. Consistency is key to any austism spectrum disorder. Hugs.
•    Anonymous said... We have been through hell with my son since he turned 13 and now he is 16. I try to see the silver lining with him having to deal with ASD - one is that he doesn't want to leave the house because of his heightened social anxiety - so I know where he is at all times! At least he is not out hooning around and making bad choices with other idiot teenage boys. I'm hoping that by the time he is happy to engage again with society he will be dealing with other guys whose frontal lobe has developed (him too).
•    Anonymous said... You have to adjust your responses to the outbursts and also reinforce what good choices look like for your child as well as what bad choices look like. The teen years are rough for everyone, but Aspergers and kids in the Autism Spectrum have it even harder. Pick your battles. You do not always have to win an argument. Actively listening and explaining what is going on is the best win for both you and your family.
*   Anonymous said...My upstairs neighbors (mom) are very uncooperative when it comes to respecting my household! The teenage son stalks me, destroys my plants and flowers.. breaks my patio decor and had almost destroyed my 5ft windmill. He makes a lot of noise constantly and walks in place to make the floor squeak in many areas of their apartment... And, how does he know when I am using my bathroom... It's embarrassing that he lets me know he knows I'm in my bathroom because he will make noise or flush the toilet or run the water in the sink or bathtub... He will run out and sometimes stomp very loud upon exiting.

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