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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query parental stress. Sort by date Show all posts

Frequent "Night Wakings" and Moodiness in Children on the Autism Spectrum

“My son wakes in a terrible, nasty mood. He goes to bed happy, laughing and loving. Nothing that I do can deter him from ruining his day and the day of those around him. I have tried everything to help him turn the day around - from being extra cheerful, music, ignoring, consequences, taking away privileges, talking about it, timeouts, etc... Although I do everything that I can to make sure that he gets adequate sleep (9pm-7am) he has been diagnosed with frequent night wakings. The doctors will not do anything about it. He was diagnosed with ADHD, age 5. However, I realized at age 7 that it was something much more complex than that. Finally, this past winter, he was diagnosed with mild-to-moderate ASD. We have provided countless hours of traditional and non-traditional therapy yet he still struggles a good portion of the time. His father passed away January '14 so that does not help matters -- and he has entered precocious puberty (being treated). Would you please be willing to give me suggestions to help get him off that path as quickly as possible so that everyone can go on about their day?”

__________

I think the harder you try to fix this, the worse you may be making it. Sometimes you just have to let a child be angry and upset. Kids need to vent, too.

Let's try this: Stop trying to change it. I'm sure your efforts to "cheer him up" annoy him even further. Give him permission to be moody. You can even say something like this first thing in the morning: "Good morning, this is the time you have a mood, so go ahead and get started." [reverse psychology]

But first, tell him tonight, while he is in a good mood, that you are giving him permission to have a mood in the morning. Then remind him in the morning using the line I just mentioned. In addition, while he is disgruntled in the morning, you can say things like, "I know honey – it's hard to get up and get going in the morning, isn't it?" In this way, you aren't punishing, ignoring or cajoling -- rather you are validating his feelings. Try it!

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Children


Having said that, here are some common reasons for “night wakings” and tips for dealing with them:

1. Children may be awakened during the night due to an urge to urinate, thus your son should avoid drinking fluids before bedtime. Some kids may have urinary tract problems that awaken them even when their bladders aren’t full. If your son has frequent night wakings, try to find out if bathroom trips are contributing to the problem.

2. Children who suffer from heartburn may experience frequent night wakings. Heartburn is associated with sleep-disordered breathing, and can be dangerous in some cases. If you think your son may suffer from heartburn, consult your doctor for treatment options. Meanwhile, avoid acidic and hard-to-digest foods before bedtime.

3. Children who suffer from headaches are more likely to suffer from frequent night wakings. It’s not clear if headaches cause sleep problems, or sleep problems are causing the headaches. Either way, it’s a good idea to have your youngster’s headaches checked by a doctor.




4. Night terrors are distressing, disruptive, and cause night wakings. But night terrors differ from nightmares. A youngster may move (even sleep walk) during a night terror, which puts him at risk of hurting himself. Have you ever noticed your son sleep walking?

5. Nightmares are associated with REM sleep, and they are more likely to occur after a youngster has been sleeping for several hours. When a youngster wakes up immediately after a nightmare, he is likely to remember it. Triggers for nightmares include anxiety and medications that interfere with REM sleep. Children who awaken from nightmares need to be reassured that their dreams are not real. Also, check to see if any of your son’s medications are contributing to sleep problems.

6. Worried, frightened children have more sleep problems. Research suggests that ignoring a youngster’s fears may lead to nightmares and emotional problems. Thus, it’s important to take an active role in teaching your son to overcome his fears.

7. When children are overtired, their sleep may become more restless – and they suffer more frequent night wakings. If your son is overtired, he needs more sleep. An earlier bedtime may help.

8. Children often learn to associate falling asleep with certain forms of comforting stimulation (e.g., parental soothing, a particular sleep environment, etc.). These sleep aids may be very effective, but if your child becomes dependent on them, he fails to learn how to fall asleep on his own. Thus, if your son is used to falling asleep in your presence, but wakes up alone, he may not be able to settle himself back to sleep. If you want your son to develop self-soothing skills, you may want to consider sleep training.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Children

9. “Sleep disordered breathing” includes interrupted breathing (i.e., sleep apnea), loud breathing, snoring, and troubled breathing during sleep. Sleep disordered breathing can restrict the oxygen supply to a youngster’s brain and cause serious health problems. It is also associated with attention problems, daytime sleepiness, frequent night wakings, hyperactivity, nighttime crying, and poor sleep quality. If you suspect your son suffers from sleep-disordered breathing, consult your doctor.

10. Kids who have experienced traumatic events are likely to suffer from night wakings and other sleep disturbances (and you did say his father passed away recently --- BIG FACTOR THERE!). Even everyday stressors disturb sleep. Children experiencing family stress suffer more night wakings and get less sleep overall. These sleep problems are associated with elevated stress hormone levels. Check to see if your son is experiencing an inordinate amount of stress for some (perhaps hidden) reason. Grief counseling may be in order as well.

Morning moodiness is associated with the "sleep inertia" phase, which is a transitional period of fatigue that usually lasts between 5 and 20 minutes after a child first wakes, though it can go on for a longer time in some cases. The process of waking up is slow – it’s not like a light switch. Feeling excessively grouchy in the morning is not enjoyable, but does not necessarily indicate having had a poor night of sleep.

Why some kids are able to cheerfully connect their sleep inertia phase with the rest of their day is much more specific and individualized. Moodiness might be associated with not getting enough rest and being tired, but it might also be symptomatic of having a bad attitude about the day. For some children though, chronic morning moodiness is simply a symptom of an over-scheduled life, with too little sleep, and not enough things that bring them joy on a day-to-day basis.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
By

Refusing To Do Homework: 25 Tips For Parents With ASD Level 1 Children

Defiant young people with ASD, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), are under the mistaken belief that they are in charge. Their defiance has worked for them in the past, and they have learned to use it to their advantage. Luckily, there are several steps moms and dads can take to get a resistant youngster to do homework. Since no two kids are alike, there is no one-cure-fixes-all method. 
 
Mothers and fathers must use what they know about their youngster to determine which course of action works best. Very often, more than one method must be tried before a solution is found.

Whichever steps are taken to get a defiant ASD teen to do homework, there are some things all moms and dads must keep in mind when managing these difficult homework situations:

1. Be available for help— You don't need to sit with your ASD youngster, but you need to be close enough that they don't have to search for you if they require help. If the youngster has to get up from their work to find you it will disrupt their focus and they may become distracted by someone else in the house. You don't want to waste time refocusing them. If the youngster fusses ignore their complaints. You know they have to get this work done and so do they. Keep redirecting their attention to the work at hand. Use statements like, "Show me how you do this." and read the question out loud. Reading the question to your youngster while they sit in front of the page gets them to focus. Use your finger to point to each word; this motion will draw the youngster's eyes to the page. Be interested in what they are doing. Your interest will show the youngster that their home work is important to you.

2. Be calm— Often the frustrations of moms and dads come through to the defiant ASD youngster and make the situation worse. It is always best to be calm and if a mother/father feels upset with the youngster it is better to step away and ask the other parent to step in for a while. Another good idea is to decide that one parent will work on English and Social Studies while the other parent works on Science and Math. As a result is varies who is the person enforcing the homework. Also if there is such a push for perfection on the assignments that the youngster feels he or she can't be perfect, it can lead to defiance. It is acceptable for the youngster to get a problem wrong once in awhile. Don't push for perfection.

3. Be flexible— When the ASD youngster comes home from school don't pounce on them to get their homework done. Give them several minutes to shake off that school smell, get a snack and relax. Try to keep the time that home work is done standard. If you choose after dinner, then make sure that every night after dinner there is time to complete homework. If there is a disruption in routine, make sure that the youngster is well aware of the change and the reasons for the change.

4. Be steadfast— Under the pressure of defiance, moms and dads sometimes lose their will to enforce good homework practices. There is a temptation to be worn down. Keep in mind if the youngster wins and just doesn't do the homework, it is a long term loss. Will the fact that one assignment doesn't get completed on one night affect a youngster's education? No, but over time the youngster will have missed out on many learning opportunities and eventually it can cause a student to be behind other classmates academically. As the youngster becomes older, there will no doubt be situations that will have more at stake than simply a grade and yet the defiant youngster will have had defiance rewarded in the past. It may lead to more defiant behavior in the future.

5. Clarify— Sit down with your ASD youngster to ensure that they know what is expected of them by their teacher and that they have the skills they need to complete the work. Homework is a time for practicing skills they have been taught in the classroom. Many kids who are struggling in the classroom become defiant at home when they are unable to perform the tasks set out in the homework assignment. If your youngster cannot explain the task to you, chances are high that they do not understand it for themselves. At this point, it is crucial that you be able to re-teach the skill, or contact the youngster’s teacher right away for an explanation.

6. Do not argue or threaten— If you argue with a youngster, you have already lost. Threats do not work. Kids are pre-programmed to push the envelope and to call our bluff.

7. Establish a routine— Schedule a time for homework. Start homework at the same time as often as possible. Many dedicated moms and dads feel that kids should start homework the minute they enter the house. However, some kids may need time to play, relax or regroup after a stressful school day. Choose a time that will fit into your schedule and be productive for your youngster. Establishing a stopping time is also important. Add a timer to your homework materials kit and let your youngster know that when the timer goes off, homework is finished. Very few kids can endure more than an hour of homework, but less than thirty minutes will probably not be enough to accomplish much. Consider your youngster's age, needs and frustration level. At first, this structure may seem ineffective. However, your youngster may begin to see defiance as wasted effort once homework becomes an inevitable part of the nightly routine.

8. Establish time and place— Routine is important to ASD kids. Homework should become a routine just as bedtime, bath time and brushing teeth. Usually it is best to start the homework as early as possible. Once the youngster is tired, there is a greater likelihood that the youngster will become defiant. If homework is a consistent part of the daily routine then the youngster knows that there is no wiggle room for defiance.

9. Go with a reward system— If the youngster has several sheets of homework or one sheet of a particular subject that causes your youngster stress then break up the homework session. Have the youngster complete some of the homework and then let them take a break by engaging in an activity that relaxes them. Set a timer and make sure the youngster knows how much free time they will have.

10. Hold fast— Do not give up. If the youngster must miss out on something they want because they have not yet finished their homework, then this is what they need to experience.

11. Low traffic area— Make sure the room they do their homework in isn't a major traffic area. If you have to use a high traffic area then make sure everyone in the house is aware that this particular block of time is homework quiet time. Tell any other kids that may not have homework that for a particular period of time you will be off limits, unless there is an emergency. Let the other kids know they will have to be somewhere else until their sibling is finished working.

12. Make it visual— Consider a visual way for the ASD youngster to see accomplishment on homework. For younger kids it may mean taking a link off of a paper chain or putting jelly beans in a container. It can be a marker board or calendar to mark off the items completed. When the tasks are made visible to the student, the student develops a stronger sense of accomplishment. For older kids, it can be as simple as having an in-box and an out-box. Don't put everything in the in-box at first.

13. New person of authority— Sometimes a great tool is to bring in a new person to be the authority for awhile. Many students improve by having a relative or a tutor come in to work with them on homework for awhile. Kids tend to think that moms and dads don't know anything, but when someone else tells them the exact same thing, the student begins to respond. Another factor in this is when kids see the negative attention from a mother/father as attention. Bringing in someone that does not have that emotional tie can help with a change in behavior.

14. No rewards before completion— A common mistake is to allow students to watch a little television or play a few video games before tackling homework. It must be established early on that completion of the homework comes before pleasure. If it is the other way around, a defiant youngster will continue to be defiant because of the desire to continue the pleasurable activity.

15. Offer win-win options— Offer options that get everything done, such as allowing the youngster which thing they do first, math or writing.

16. Praise— Once the youngster has completed their homework praise them for doing their work. Acknowledge that they completed it nicely. If you make the youngster aware that you noticed their good work habits, they are likely to repeat them.

17. Proper working conditions— For some ASD kids, an improper working environment can cause them to be defiant. Students are hungry and thirsty when they come home from school. A few minutes for a snack are certainly appropriate. Consider having the youngster sit at the counter while preparing meals so the mother/father is available for supervision and questions and yet it is not overbearingly looking over the youngster's shoulder. Make sure that the student has appropriate supplies and that the study area is clean and neat. Cluttered desks, tables or other study areas are not conducive to studying for many students. Do consider playing music lightly in the background or allow an MP3 player as it can help some students to focus and then the homework is a little more pleasurable. Finding the proper working conditions may require a little experimentation.

18. Provide reinforcement— Show your youngster that refusing to do homework has negative consequences while making a true effort has rewards. Choose two or three behavioral goals for your youngster and write them on a chart that your youngster can understand. For example, if your youngster's screaming is the worst part of homework time, you could include "Speak in a calm voice" on your chart. Other goals may relate to staying seated, following directions, or reading aloud. Try to phrase them positively; most students will not respond well to a list of items that all begin with "Do not __________". At the end of each homework session, discuss your youngster's behavior. If the youngster has met the goal, record that under the date. You can use stickers, stars or a certain color. If the youngster has not met the goal, record that with a different mark, such a minus sign or a frown.

19. Ground rules— Set down ground rules, such as no television, computer games, friends, or other entertainments until their homework is done.

20. Show interest in their work— Homework does not need to be painful or a power struggle. Stay positive, use rewards and read the work over with our youngster. Showing an interest in your youngster's' work helps to create a positive feeling in your youngster and home work will not seem like such a chore.

21. Small successes— It may be necessary to begin with small steps with rewards. The defiant youngster can rebel because homework seems daunting and overwhelming. Break the assignments down and then take a small break or have a snack. Often times when the student knows that a break is coming after one task, it will be tackled with more gusto. Eventually the student may indicate the desire to do a little more before taking a break. To start the goal may be finish five math problems or read one page in the book. The small goals make kids feel like it is a surmountable task.

22. State your expectations— Habits take time to develop and are difficult to break. This is as true for good habits as it is for bad habits. Good study habits take time to develop and bad study habits are difficult to overcome. By remaining firm and calm, and providing clear explanations when they are needed, your defiant youngster will learn that some battles simply are not worth the effort. In surprisingly little time, your defiant youngster will learn better study habits, if only so that they can have more time to do the fun things that they want to do.

23. Stay calm— Getting angry simply tells the youngster that they have won; they control you when you lose control of your emotions.

24. Stay positive— Your positive approach will help your youngster maintain their good mood when completing their tasks.

25. Work with the School— Talking to and enlisting suggestions from the youngster's teachers is a valuable step. Do not keep the youngster out of the discussions. The teacher, administrators and counselors can be there to reinforce the expectations. It helps to make it clear to the student that everyone is united. Do not see the professionals as enemies. They are able to look at the youngster objectively and not emotionally.

In summary:
  • Be available for help.
  • Be consistent about what time of day the work will be done.
  • Be patient when they make the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe they need to be taught using a different approach.
  • Be realistic in your expectations on how much time it will take. Remember this is all new for your youngster and they are just beginning to build their logic and knowledge base.
  • Have everything the youngster will need ready before they start.
  • If the youngster has lots of work, ask them what they would like to start with. This small gesture helps the youngster gain some control over an activity they don't like.
  • Keep the work time as quiet as you can.
  • Use a rewards system.

With these tools in mind, parents can help the strong-willed ASD youngster to take ownership of his/her homework.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Don't punish him twice, he's already been punished at school. Eventually he'll get anxious about going home knowing he'll be punished again. A lot of parents in the USA are getting medical cards for cannabis and their children are doing really wel. Hope that helps x
•    Anonymous said… Give the boy a break. He is struggling to cope with the workload. He is only 8. He has loads of time to find his way in the world. X
•    Anonymous said… He may have low muscle tone and if he does, it hurts to write. If that is the case, no wonder he is having behavioural issues.. Less stress, less melt downs. Less expectations on these kids. Does he alway have sensory processing disorder too? As if so, school is enough. Just play and relax once home. He would be in total sensory overload. Good luck.
•    Anonymous said… He needs less work and more positivity and praise. His self esteem will be at an all time low as he's constantly being punished as he can't do his school work. He will feel he can't achieve anything. Give lots more positive attention, fun times, praise each tiny achievement he does and his behaviour will improve along with his self esteem. Plus your relationship with him will massively improve. Since we did this with our son his behaviour, self esteem and our relationship has improved. He's opening up to us more. We still have a lot of bad behaviour etc but it's much better generally. Hope it helps.
•    Anonymous said… He probably can't control the yelling in class. He should not be disciplined for behavior he can't control. Positive reinforcement Always wins out over negative reinforcement! I would definitely meet with school, discuss classwork and homework at meeting to reduce the amount and frequency. Don't take away fun activities at home, because he may be looking forward to that safety and security at home, if he feels out of place at school. Also, therapy and medicine for anxiety can help if you aren't already doing that. These things have helped my three sons, that are all on the Autism Spectrum.
•    Anonymous said… Heartbreaking! Something needs to changed at school. Homework should be no more than an hour. He seems to be stuck in a negative downward spiral. I pray this is all turned around.
•    Anonymous said… He's not gonna want to do better if everyone is constantly negative with him.Its like being thrown in a snake pit day in and day out.Should be focusing on the positive building him up instead of tearing him down with long homework that is to much and too long and punishment.Id talk to school about nipping that.And be extra positive and fun to build him up and help him decompress his anxieties and anger.He shouldn't be punished twice.
•    Anonymous said… I am a teacher.. though I teach highschool, we are taught the same with homework. Children should not be given homework, only sent home with work that was unfinished at school. There are many sites and scientific studies to back this belief. Do a little research and write that teacher a note. No child should have that amount of homework!
•    Anonymous said… I don't think the school is doing him any favors. Having a HFA child on the write repetitive sentences is ridiculous, and to him probably seems pointless and causes more stress. You on the other hand seem to be trying different positive strategies to manage the situations, I believe negative reinforcement/attention is not good for any child, but especially not for HFA. Although I didn't have the same situation as you, home schooling my daughter is a good option.. Good luck to you and stay strong
•    Anonymous said… I hate homework for this reason....it seems so pointless. There are so many studies that show homework is unnecessary for young children...and I have to admit, we have made a family decision to skip it. We do so many learning activities with our son and he is showing us ways he enjoys learning and we try and capitalize on that, but it is NOT worth the struggle to get him to do a couple poxy worksheets a night.  :( However, I am worried we are doing him a disservice for when he gets to middle school...he is 8 as well.
•    Anonymous said… I would completely refuse to do homework at home. Home is safe and family is first. I would also call an iep meeting asap. He is overwhelmed by their regular work and then they pile a ton of useless activity on top of that? Who wouldn't throw a fit? It sounds like he needs regular sensory breaks and a new approach to what they expect. Sadly, having said all that, none of it worked for my son and he's much more successful homeschooling. However, the tantrums were much less when he wasn't overwhelmed by the school piling it all on and trying to send it home. I also had it written into his iep that he could not have recess taken away as he needed the sensory input.
•    Anonymous said… I would have been a nervous wreck as an 8 year old in this day an age...to then learn differently in addition to the already high demands we place on our children now. I've had to release the reigns with my son at home, also HFA, it's made a world of difference. We have more play time than most! Do teachers understand and agree, some (not all), but that's okay, his mental health is more important.
•    Anonymous said… I would refuse the homework. My daughter has Aspergers and as far as she concerned school is school and home is home, she used to freak out if homework was mentioned. I had a word with the school and she's now coming along great as all her homework is done in school time.
•    Anonymous said… If this kiddo is anything like mine, the small amount of "homework" sent home should take ten minutes but because of adhd and meltdowns it takes 4 hours.  😞 my 1st grader had 20 spelling words to study each evening and it is quick some days and some days take all evening. Depends on how her day is going. I want her to do well but my cut off is one hour after school and 30 minutes before bed if we don't finish beyond that... well i tried but I'm not making my child miserable after all day away from me at school.  😖
•    Anonymous said… Insist on an IEP team review meeting as soon as you can. Having him write that much and the punitive nature of writing repetitive sentences is not meeting his needs. Get a sped advocate involved if the school won't listen to you. As a teacher and parent of a specially wired child, this breaks my heart. Listen to your child, advocate for them, listen to your parental gut, and educate the educators about the need of your child. Any decent education team will listen to and respect that, but I know it isn't always easy.
•    Anonymous said… Keep everything positive, build him up, tell him that he'll get more attention/fun if he does the "steps" required. break assignments into short segments, use questions about his assignment/look to different learning styles. my son likes to talk/learn while moving so we do assignments while walking or in the car where there are not so many distractions. my son also loves the history channel. find his focus area and try to use this in his learning Good Luck! We are now working on college credits
•    Anonymous said… Keep school punishment and home punishment separate. Tell the teachers that they are to let him finish at school his work. What is left should be given the next day. At home do positive things with him. He is being bombarded by school and home. He deserves a safe place. A place of love, peace and joy. Let that always be his home. Writing sentences for a child on the spectrum is not beneficial. I'm not sure they should disciple him but use a reward for him for good behavior.
•    Anonymous said… Look at his diet. We are trying to eat additive and preservative free (or mininals) which means a bit more baking and cooking from scratch and learning what to buy at the supermarket that has 'no nasties' as my kids call them. When we are onto our sons diet (we aren't always) it takes the edge off the anger and the length of his tantrums/meltdowns.
I thought we add pretty well until I did a course that made me look at the numbers and names of ingredients in products and the findings are scary, known carcinogenic ingredients, mood disrupters, causes aggregation and confusion. All in our food, very scary. I did a course through sistermixin they have fb page and I have the chemical maze app and book. Worth a look into.
•    Anonymous said… Many of these kids don't like to write so that's crazy to think that's going to make him get his work done any better. Reward, don't punish. Punishment doesn't work with these kids! You need to call a parent/ teacher conference and together figure out how to motivate him or it's just going to get worse. I'd also put in his IEP no homework.
•    Anonymous said… Maybe traditional school that is meant for those that can sit still for 6 hours at a time is not for him. Look for alternatives within the community, like a half day program. No child should have to do 4 hours of homework a night, no matter what the circumstance. I went through this with my son who graduated this year. We ultimately used an online program for his core classes, and then public school for electives. Freshman and Sophomore years were horrible in high school, but when he tested into the running start program to enter college early, things turned around for him. He took 2 honor music classes at the high school, and two college classes. He made friends in college, FRIENDS!! It was the best decision we ever made. He just graduated with honors in the arts.  <3 a="" better="" br="" find="" get="" it="" just="" way.="" will="">•    Anonymous said… My son also has HFA and we had many issues with him being overwhelmed with the amount of school work they were giving. We had accommodations added to his IEP where he has reduced work, extra time on testing as well as only work sent home if they have to. He went from having meltdowns everyday at school to finally last school year he had less than 20 for the entire year. He is also taking meds for anxiety which hep tremendously. Good luck but definitely take it up with the school administration if talking to the teacher doesn't work
•    Anonymous said… My son hasn't had homework for ages and his school makes him too anxious. Currently moving schools
•    Anonymous said… My son went through similar behaviour. I moved him to a special needs class.... they get NO homework and I noticed Less stress in a very short period of time. They can't handle that kind of stress. The school should know better. Like a lady mentioned above.... home is a safe Zone. Now they send the stress home. Poor child can't cope with it all and that's why he's acting the way he is. He must be able to escape school pressure and stress.... and that's being taken away from him. Good luck to you, never easy.  🌸 ❤
•    Anonymous said… Need to have a 504 or IEP instituted at school immediately. Have Dr. write a note to school. When all else fails..cyber school willing to work with above accomadations. We have with our son..PA Cyber, best thing we ever all did.
•    Anonymous said… No ...! If he has homework (and he shouldn't have it every night at 8 years old!) have a set period to do it - 20 minutes probably at his age. Do whatever he gets done in this period and leave the rest and write a note to the teacher saying this is how much was done. Lines saying "I will not yell in class"? Disgusting! That is his personality and he finds it hard to suppress! He is more likely an anxious child than a naughty one. Rewards are better - maybe get the teacher to do a record card and write a smiley face every time he gets through a lesson without "noises". If he gets a full day of "smiley faces", spend an allocated time with him (maybe half an hour?) doing an activity of his choice. Get the teacher to use "visial cues" in class to try to tell him to "lower the volume" (eg, thumbs down against the chest) - discreetly so as not to embarrass him in front of the other children! Making him write lines is going to make him feel like he is naughty or stupid! Sounds like the teacher needs some training or, better still, a new vocation! He is probably making noises because he is anxious! Need to try to ignore attention seeking "bad" behaviour and reward good behaviour.
•    Anonymous said… No one should be expected to do 4 hours homework a night. I had a word with the s.e.n person at my Son's school, as we were having a similar issue. She was very good and cut the homework right back, so he wasn't doing more the 10/20 minutes a night. They also reduced the pressure on him in the classroom, as he cannot work as fast as the other kids. Since these two changes, he has been much happier at school and has been performing better. I think this is a much better approach than what you have described.
•    Anonymous said… oh my goodness, feeling for you all. Trust in yourself, put yourself in his shoes. My girl (13 yrs) is in a class of 6 for kids on the spectrum, she cannot bear to do anything that is pointless and writing the same sentence 20 times would be unbearable for her. she can just about handle 15 mins concentrating on one thing at a time unless it interests her personally anything after that is time wasted so we take lots of breaks which makes it v time intensive on me. I think she would get on much better if I could home ed her but we are in germany at the moment and its not an option. sounds like he needs a different school. good luck xxx
•    Anonymous said… Our son is going through the same. Writing is very challenging and he just doesn't want to do it. I'm blessed I have an awesome team of teachers at his school. My son is also 8years old. They just added this in his IEP. He writes his thoughts down for his paper (brain storming) then he writes his rough draft. Then he gets to use voice to text for his final draft. I'm excited for him to try this out next year. Just remember you are his advocate speak to what you need!! I do all the time!!!
•    Anonymous said… Please consider home school or "virtual" schooling. I'm not sure what state you are in but I used Florida Virtual school which was free and all the curriculum is there. You simply log on and do the work on pace for that day. I discovered my child food best when working on one subject per day (Monday = Math for example) then he was able to focus . Also he could take many breaks. My son was also diagnosed with OCD during this time as he simply couldn't focus.
•    Anonymous said… Sounds like he is overwhelmed, stressed, and melting down. I'm with Donna Beetham...he probably needs less work, not more. I remember melting down every night in 3rd and 4th grade over homework. I wish I had been diagnosed then and someone realize that what I needed was accommodations allowing more time to process those difficult things.
•    Anonymous said… Sounds like he needs more fun and happy times , surely life is too short to put all this stress and anxiety on an 8 year old with special needs home should be his safe place where theres love and kindness and his sense of worth .
•    Anonymous said… Still learning about this but I know what your school is doing with your boy would not work with ours...his mind doesn't work that way and making him do 20 sentences would never discipline him just aggravate the heck out of him...he is too smart to do repetitive things like that...he needs a challenge to keep him interested.
•    Anonymous said… Thank your child is about to explode tell the school to stick there homework . Think of him take away the pressure of school and home school your have a diffrent child. 4 hours homework disgu6
•    Anonymous said… That's not right it isn't even homework ffs! School obviously cant b arsed and don't really know what they are doing!! Id definitely say this to them! Dont stand for it!!
•    Anonymous said… The more the school focused on my son's behavior, the worse he got. He developed tics and stimming increased. [He didn't have tantrums he would go into shut down mode instead]. I stopped the criticism and all the primary focus on performance, and the mental stress of always being observed and judged, while trying to 'be good', went away [along with the adverse behavior]. Rewards did not work because he knew it was patronizing and also meant he only got rewarded for changing who he was so others would like him better. He eventually settled into his schoolwork after the behavioral program got axed, because the only thing we didn't change and what he realized is that it had to be done to get recess, justified [which was a big thing to him] by telling him it wasn't fair to the students who did their work that he be allowed to play if he wasn't working as hard as they were. He had to do the same as them, because he was the same as them. Presto. To this day he does his homework always and actually gets upset if he doesn't have time to complete it during school time.
•    Anonymous said… The most valuable lesson we learned from my daughter's speech/ABA therapist was to IGNORE the undesirable behaviour and REWARD the desirable behaviour (notice I didn't say good/bad). Kids always have a reason for their actions and your boy sounds utterly overwhelmed. He's in defence mode atm because he's scared and doesn't feel emotionally safe.
Late last year my then-7yo daughter was the same. She was like a feral cat, scared, nasty, refusing anything we asked of her. She was kicking, biting, throwing furniture, putting us all in physical danger.. it was horrible!After seeing a LOT of therapists, we found a good one who taught us to start picking our battles. We issued positive reinforcement when she did the slightest thing "right" and she had gradually come around. Also you need to model the bahaviour you want to see in him. STOP shouting (I know it's sooo hard!), only speak politely and he will EVENTUALLY see that as the norm and follow suit. Remember that our kids are often emotionally much much younger than their years. Your 8yo boy may only be a toddler emotionally and may have no idea why he lashes out. He just knows that he's unhappy and is trying to protect himself the only way he knows how. Good luck Mumma! This is such a hard gig but we all get it xxxx
•    Anonymous said… Time to homeschool and let the child go at his pace and not at a "collective" classroom pace. Each child is an individual and should be seen as such.
•    Anonymous said… We decided in one of my son's IEP that we would no longer be doing homework at home. We want our house to be a home of refuge and peace for him at night. You know your child's abilities more than anyone. And you have to determine what's best for you and your home. For us...we wanted peace. Plus we have so many other things to teach him...like chores. Hence my above photo.
•    Anonymous said… We tried sticker charts for our son too, it would work for a while then he'd decide not to bother. The homework thing is the same for us but, we no longer battle for him to do it, rather encourage any he wants to do leave him to sort at school. We've also emailed his teacher to let her know too, so she can either set him less, or he can do it with a teacher aide's help
•    Anonymous said… You are wasting time and causing unnecessary stress trying to make him do that much homework at his age. And traditional discipline won't work. Sounds like he needs to be in a different school also. Good luck!

Post your comment below…
By

Amazing Parenting Tricks for Raising Children on the Autism Spectrum

Amazing or not, raising a child with Aspergers or high functioning autism (HFA) will take a few "tricks of the trade" that you wouldn't need to have "up your sleeve" were you raising a "typical" child. If you are at your wits end - and need a few fresh ideas in dealing with behavioral issues, then take notes:

1. When it comes to getting your youngster to do chores, consider the "hiring a substitute" method. Your child may choose to hire someone to do his chore (e.g., by paying a wage of $1.00 he has saved from an allowance), or mutually agree to trade chores with a sibling.

2. Have your child rehearse new behaviors. In addition to telling your child the correct way to do something, have him/her rehearse it (e.g., dealing with bullies, not slamming the door when entering a room, walking through the house rather than running).



3. Ignore behavior that will not harm your son or daughter (e.g., bad habits, bad language, arguing with a sibling). It's hard to do nothing, but this lack of attention takes away the very audience your youngster is seeking.

4. Most children on the autism spectrum have trouble with transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected. Give plenty of warnings. Have the youngster repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to. Some kids need to negotiate for that "can I have one more minute?" A little extra patience on the parent’s part may help avoid a useless meltdown.

5. Parents can be decisive. Some parents have always been indecisive about what course of action to try with their child. They jump from one parenting technique to the other without giving any one technique enough time to be effective, or they try a new parenting technique once and then give up in frustration because it didn’t work. Some parents will say, “We’ve tried everything and nothing works with this kid.” What I usually see is parents floating from one parenting tool to another without sticking with one particular tool for a significant period of time.

6. Parents can practice humility. When you are wrong, quickly admit this to your child. This will model (a) making amends and (b) that it’s safe to make mistakes. “Admitting your mistakes” teaches your child to respect others.

7. Parents can use ‘reverse’ psychology. For example, “That’s not like you …you’re able to do much better.” This line works because your kid will live up – or down – to your expectations.

8. Parents can use humor to deal with family-stress. For example: Instead of reacting to your kid's temper tantrum, start singing, “The hills are alive with sound of music…”

9. Post a list of jobs that need to be done, such as washing the car, weeding the garden, etc. Let your child choose a "work detail" as a way to "make up" for rule violations.

10. Remember that Aspergers and HFA kids want structure. Most of them are actually starved for structure – it helps them feel safe.

11. Sometimes (depending on the child’s temperament), one of the worst things a parent of an autistic child can say is, "If you do that one more time, you'll be disciplined." You may find that your youngster will be irresistibly drawn to do just that, at once -- whether because you've set an impulse in motion, because he can't deal with the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or because he gets stuck on what you've said. Instead of specifying “one more time,” try saying, "I have a number of times in my head, and you're not going to know what that number is. But when you hit that number, you will get a punishment." This gives your youngster a few extra chances if he seems to be trying without going back on a threat, and  it gives him a little comfort zone to know that he can slip-up once or twice. Some children will dislike the uncertainty of this approach, and for them, this might not be the best strategy. But if certainty is more pressure than your youngster can handle, this trick may be helpful in most cases.

12. Tell your youngster your predictions regarding the negative outcomes of his poor choices (use labels when needed). For example: “If you continue to steal, people will call you a ‘thief’, and when things come up missing, they will blame you.” -- or -- "If you continue to lie, people will call you a ‘liar’, and even if you tell them the truth, they won't believe you." When your predictions come true, your child will begin to trust your judgment.

13. The life of a youngster on the spectrum can often be overwhelming. The treatment for his over-reaction is to defuse the situation, not inflame it. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Remember, the parent may have to cool off as well. Serious discussion can only occur during times of composure. Remember: “bad” behavior usually occurs because the child is spinning out of control, not because he is evil.

14. Think of your youngster as a train with an “anxiety speedometer.” When that speedometer reaches 70 mph, it’s going to take a long time to stop that train. The goal is to keep your child from coming anywhere close to 70 mph. Now, imagine you enter the room when the youngster is at an anxiety level of 50 mph. For your child, the stress of the current situation is getting to him. What can you do to slow that train down before it gathers momentum? Laugh, divert, distract, negotiate, or anything else you can think of – and the speedometer comes down to 30 mph (assuming you have cleverly disguised your intervention).

15. Tie what you 'want' to what he 'needs' (e.g., "When you come home from school on time, then you can have a friend over").

16. When behavior starts turning ugly, redirect to a positive direction rather than criticizing the “misbehavior” (e.g., if your youngster is fighting with a sibling, then suggest a new activity like having a snack, rather than handing out a consequence).

17. Do not shield your youngster from the results of her choices unless it puts her in danger. For example:
  • Child doesn’t go to bed on time >>> she gets up and goes to school anyway even though she’s tired and sleepy
  • Child doesn’t study for her math test >>> she fails
  • Child doesn’t maintain her bicycle >>> it falls apart and she walks thereafter

18. Consequences can be by parental design. For example:
  • Child leaves her toiletries in disarray throughout the bathroom each school morning >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent confiscates all items for a period of time (technique works with clothes and toys as well)

19. Parents can rearrange space. Try creative solutions. For example:
  •  If school notes and homework are misplaced, assign a special table or counter for materials
  • If chores are forgotten, post a chart with who does what when

20. Parents can use adjustment. Here are several ways to adjust:
  • Realize the same discipline may not work in all situations because of the unique features of the disorder.
  • Try to blend a combination of several parenting tools to create a more effective discipline.
  • Don’t believe it when your child seems unaffected by discipline. Kids on the spectrum often pretend discipline doesn’t bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When a child pretends a discipline doesn’t bother him, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child’s disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your child’s reactions.

By

The Importance of Early Intervention for Autism: Statistics and Insights

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects individuals in various ways, manifesting through challenges in communication, social interaction, and behavior. With a rising prevalence of autism—affecting approximately 1 in 44 children in the United States, according to the CDC—understanding the significance of early intervention becomes crucial. Early diagnosis and intervention can have meaningful impacts on the long-term development and quality of life of individuals with autism.

### Understanding Early Intervention

Early intervention refers to a range of services provided to children with autism, typically before the age of three, designed to support their development. These services may include behavioral therapies, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, and family support. The aim is to enhance the child’s development and minimize the challenges associated with autism.

### The Statistics Behind Early Intervention

1. **Age of Diagnosis**: Research shows that children can be reliably diagnosed with autism as early as 18 months, but the average age of diagnosis in the U.S. is around 4 years. This gap highlights the importance of increased awareness and proactive screening for autism in young children.

2. **Benefits of Early Intervention**:  

  • According to a study published in the journal *Pediatrics*, children who received early interventions such as Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy showed significant improvements in IQ scores, adaptive behavior, and social skills when compared to those who received later interventions.
  • The National Autism Center reports that early intervention can lead to significant advancements in communication skills, reducing the severity of symptoms and enabling better academic performance.


3. **Cost-Effectiveness**: The economic impact of early intervention is notable. A report by the *National Academy of Sciences* estimated that investment in early autism interventions could yield significant savings in special education and healthcare costs. For every $1 invested in early interventions, as much as $2.50 can be saved in future costs associated with special education services and other support.

4. **Long-Term Outcomes**: Longitudinal studies indicate that early intervention can influence life outcomes for children with autism. Research in the *Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry* found that children who participated in early intervention programs were more likely to attend regular education classes and required less intensive support as they grew older.

5. **Parental Support and Training**: Studies show families that engage in early intervention programs feel more empowered and competent in supporting their child’s development. Research from the *Journal of Family Psychology* highlights that parental training significantly improves both child outcomes and parental well-being.

6. **Underutilization of Services**: Despite the benefits, many children do not receive early intervention services. The *Centers for Disease Control and Prevention* notes that approximately 70-80% of children with autism are not diagnosed until after age 4. This delay can hinder the potential benefits of early interventions.

### Barriers to Early Intervention

Several barriers prevent families from accessing early intervention services:

  • **Lack of Awareness**: Many parents may not recognize the early signs of autism or may mistakenly attribute behavioral issues to typical childhood development.
  • **Insurance Issues**: Some families face challenges accessing insurance coverage for autism treatments or may be unaware of their rights under laws like the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).
  • **Limited Resources**: In certain geographic areas, the availability of trained professionals and early intervention programs can be scarce, making it difficult for families to access necessary services.

In summary, the statistics surrounding early intervention for autism underscore its critical role in promoting positive outcomes for children on the spectrum. Increased awareness, timely diagnosis, and proactive access to early intervention services are vital for enhancing developmental trajectories and improving quality of life. Investing in early interventions not only benefits individuals with autism but also has broader implications for families and society. As awareness continues to grow, efforts must be made to ensure that all children have the opportunity for early support, paving the way for a brighter future.


 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

By

Clingy Behavior in Children with ASD [High-Functioning Autism]

"Any advice on how to deal with separation anxiety in a child with high functioning autism? Dropping him off at school is a nightmare!"

You used to leave your high-functioning autistic (HFA) child with loved ones or drop him off at school with a kiss on the cheek and a quick wave goodbye. Clingy behavior seemed to be a problem only for other children. But, now your goodbyes trigger tears or tantrums – or both.

If your youngster's clingy behavior seems intense or prolonged (especially if it interferes with school or other daily activities), you will want to address this situation sooner than later, because the longer it goes on, the worse it gets and the tougher it is to treat.


Each youngster handles stress differently, so the causes of clingy behavior will be different for each boy or girl. A parent's job is to play detective and figure out what's causing clingy behavior. Sometimes clinginess may be triggered by situations such as:
  • bullying
  • family stress 
  • new child care situation
  • new home
  • new school
  • new sibling

Keep in mind that the goal here is for your child to learn to cope with life without you, however long it takes. 

Here are a few parenting tips that help make goodbyes less stressful:

1. Ask your child if there is anything worrying him (e.g., bullying, illness, bereavement, etc.). Try to identify what might be causing the clinginess and describe his feelings so he begins to understand it. By describing his feelings and expressing your own feelings of wanting to be there for him, he will feel understood and be less likely to need your physical presence as reassurance.

2. Teach how to "talk to the fear." Help your youngster name the feeling (e.g., "I'm afraid"). Then, teach him how to talk back to the fear so he is in charge of the fear and not the other way around. The trick is to have him practice telling himself he'll be okay to build confidence (e.g., "Go away fear, leave me alone. Mom will come back.").
 

3. Kids on the autism spectrum (as with all kids) build self-confidence through mastering new tasks and contributing to their environment in a helpful way. Create tasks that your youngster can help you with at home (e.g., setting the table, cooking, cleaning up, etc.). The more confident a youngster feels in her abilities, the more secure she will feel in ANY environment.

4. When kids exhibit clingy behavior, it is generally viewed as a positive sign that they feel close and secure in the parent’s care and go to the parent for comfort when they are feeling distress. Responding to clingy behavior by ignoring or punishing it may make your youngster less likely to come to you when he is feeling afraid or vulnerable.

5. Some moms and dads find it easier to sneak out when their son or daughter has a hard time or throws a tantrum each time they leave. But, this will only increase your youngster’s anxiety and clinginess, because she will be afraid to engage in any activity too long for fear that you may sneak out and disappear at any moment.

6. Find people your child trusts (e.g., neighbor, relative, friend, etc.) who know your youngster's quirks, routines, likes and dislikes. Gradually stretch separation times, and slowly broaden your youngster's "inner security circle."

7. If you're leaving your youngster at home or in another familiar environment, give him a gentle goodbye – then go! Encourage your youngster's caregiver to distract him or engage him in a new activity right away. If you're leaving your youngster in a new environment, you might play with him for a few minutes to ease the transition. When you leave, remind him that you'll be back. Be specific about when you'll return (e.g., "after school").

8. Give your youngster something to look forward to. Discuss something fun that will happen while you're gone.

9. Make things more predictable for your youngster by making the schedule or routine as concrete as possible. Although you know your youngster’s schedule, she may not. HFA kids don’t have a clear sense of time, live mostly in the here and now, and have shorter memory spans. Using pictures to depict their weekly schedule (especially when it changes every 2 to 3 days), telling them what to expect next, and reminding them when you will be available to spend time with them (e.g., "Remember, our special snack time is after school") will help reduce anxiety by bringing a sense of orderliness and structure to their day.

10. Socializing with kids the same age can help these young people develop attachments to their peers and can build social skills necessary for interacting with people outside of the immediate family. Set up regular play dates with a friend of your youngster’s choice from school, or schedule a class or weekly trips to the park.




11. Keep the crying and tantrums in perspective. Your youngster's tears and anger are an attempt to keep you from leaving. When you're gone, the tears and anger aren't likely to last long (especially once your youngster is engaged in a new activity).
 

12. Studies reveal that kids whose mom or dad prepared them for a separation were able to leave the parent far easier and protested far less than those not prepared. So, for example, drive by the birthday party in advance, go meet the new teacher before the first school day, take an online tour of the school before the move, and so on.

13. Leave a special reminder. Offer a blanket, stuffed animal or other comforting object for your youngster to hold while you're gone.

14. Practice saying goodbye. Do some role-playing. Eventually your youngster will learn that he can count on you to return, just as you did in the role-play.

15. Create "goodbye" rituals. Create a special kiss, or provide a special pebble or key chain to put in his pants pocket, then explain that when he touches the item, it means you're thinking of him.

16. Praise your youngster for tasks or activities that she is able to do independently (e.g., household chores, playing nicely on her own or with friends, etc.). Praising your youngster for doing things independently sends the message that she is capable of doing things for herself and should feel confident without your close supervision and guidance.

17. Some kids on the spectrum feel a constant need for affection because they are not sure when or if the attention will be available. Schedule 5 to 10 minutes every day when you can provide your youngster with undivided attention (i.e., no computer, T.V., cell phones, etc.).

18. Use a consistent phrase when saying goodbye (e.g., “I’ll see you again shortly”). Be brief, don’t linger, and don’t overreact if your youngster gets upset after saying goodbye. Overreacting will only feed into his anxiety and make it worse, while lingering will increase the likelihood that he will continue to sulk or seek your attention to prolong your stay each time.

19. Occasionally, you may need to stay with your youngster during social activities. Play with her and her peers until she is comfortable playing on her own. Be available during play dates to teach and model social skills, respond to conflict, and monitor situations that may cause stress or anxiety.

20. Use social stories, drawings, and other creative approaches appropriate to your youngster’s age to explain what he is thinking and feeling when you leave him somewhere.

21. Parental anxiety feeds into your youngster’s anxiety, so curb your anxiety and watch how you react. Kids can catch our fears.

22. Time your departure carefully. Your youngster may be more likely to have a tantrum when you leave if she is tired, hungry or restless. When possible, leave when your youngster is fed and rested.

23. Recruit one of your child’s peers to support him (e.g., peer comes to your house and walks with your child to school).

24. Develop a plan for gradual separation whereby you gradually shorten the period of time you spend saying goodbye – and increase the amount of time apart.

25. Avoid over-protection and too much reassurance. Always rescuing or being overprotective robs your youngster of confidence. The key is to find the balance between pushing and protecting. 
 

By

Fostering the Development of Self-Reliance in Kids and Teens with ASD Level 1

"At what point do I cross the line from being an advocate for my child (with ASD) to being an enabler? In other words, when/how do parents do their child a disfavor by 'helping too much'."

Parents of a child with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often have trouble knowing how much to help out their “suffering” youngster at certain times in his or her life. However, if they have “stepped-in” time and time again to over-protect and over-assist their youngster, it often results is serious problems for that child later in life. Moms and dads are not doing their youngster any favors by over-assisting – in fact, quite the opposite.

Overprotective parents mean well. After all, it's their job to protect their youngster from harm. But unfortunately, some parents of AS and HFA children go too far. They started out by being their child’s advocate – and this is all well and good – but then they progressed way beyond advocacy to an overprotective parenting style. They figured the more hands-on and involved they are in their “special needs” child’s life, the better – but this is definitely not true.



Some early signs of overprotective parenting include the following: 
  • Being quick to punish transgressions
  • Expectations that the youngster understand adult rules of deference and demeanor
  • Having strict rules of neatness, which do not allow the youngster to get dirt on his clothes or on himself
  • Having unnecessarily strict rules (e.g., remaining in the same room with the mother or father at all times, even at age 5 or 6)
  • Highly structured rules that try to cover every phase of the youngster’s life
  • Immediately running to examine the youngster when she has a simple fall that produces no distress; if a whimper is the worst result, the mother or father may have candy or a toy ready for comfort
  • Over-dependence on a system of rewards and punishments
  • Over-emphasis of academic success
  • Protection from all harm whether physical or emotional

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Adult Children with Aspergers and Their Over-Protective Parents 



What are some of the negative outcomes related to an overprotective parenting style? Here are just a few:

1. A grown-up gains confidence by working hard and mastering whatever it is he or she seeks to accomplish – and a child gains confidence the same way. But if an overprotective parent (who hates to see her AS or HFA youngster struggle) does tasks FOR him, the child is not given the opportunity to develop his own skills. Thus, he risks going through life with little or no confidence. An overprotective parent inadvertently sends the message that her youngster is not capable of doing an adequate job, or that she doesn't trust her youngster to make the right decisions.

2. One of the most important jobs a parent has is to prepare her youngster to be an independent and productive adult. But an overprotective parent can't let go – even after her older teen or young adult has left home to attend college. Some moms and dads negotiate work contracts on behalf of their “special needs” adult child. And the most extreme parents even attend job interviews with their adult child, which rarely impresses any potential employer.

3. An overprotective parenting style can cause the lack of the development of self-esteem in the AS or HFA youngster. This is because he is not allowed to face challenges without parental intervention. Part of the development of self-esteem in kids comes from surmounting challenges on their own, which can be denied to them by an overprotective mother or father.
 

4. When a parent does too much “safeguarding” in an effort to make her youngster’s life stress-free, it usually has the opposite effect. The overly-protected youngster eventually becomes depressed and suffers anxiety that he attributes to the obsessed parent. Instead of creating a happy and stress-free environment, the overprotective parent often accomplishes the opposite.

5. An overly protected child may feel that if his parents don’t trust him with the freedom to make mistakes and tackle problems on his own, then he may not have the ability to succeed in life without continued guidance.

So, what can parents do if they have been overly protective down through the years?

They should begin to foster the development of self-reliance in their child, rather than parental-reliance. For kids with AS and HFA, acquiring skills related to self-reliance is especially important. This is because their ability to express themselves clearly or interact with others may look different than what other kids typically do. Some grown-ups may mistakenly provide more support for a youngster on the autism spectrum than she actually needs. When a youngster is consistently prevented from taking even small risks, she will learn to feel helpless and dependent, rather than self-reliant.

Self-reliance is not about letting the child make every single decision that affects his life (e.g., what time to go to bed, deciding not to wear a coat in the winter time, etc.). Kids need very clear expectations, protection from harm, and loving guidance. Self-reliance is about providing opportunities so that AS and HFA kids develop the skills necessary to become independent, as well as to interact freely and joyfully within their environment.

When kids on the autism spectrum grow up, parents want them to have the necessary survival skills (e.g., speaking up and voicing opinions). Self-advocacy (i.e., the ability to speak on one’s own behalf) is an important and powerful outcome for kids with AS and HFA. By learning skills that promote self-reliance as a youngster, parents begin paving the way for her to effectively use her voice or other means to speak up on her own behalf.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Just like a child needs to practice the violin to become proficient, AS and HFA kids need on-going practice to gain skills related to self-reliance. When these young people have numerous opportunities to practice making basic choices or solving simple problems, they build confidence and trust in their own abilities. They also build the competence and ability to master new skills that can last a lifetime.

----------


Below are a few important suggestions for promoting early self-reliance in your child. You can choose the ones that work for you, or adapt some of the suggestions so they match the preferences of your youngster and the rest of the family:

1. Create opportunities for your AS or HFA youngster to see his work, drawings or other art displayed (e.g., proudly show “found treasures,” artwork or other creations on a bulletin board or the refrigerator).

2. Develop routines WITH your youngster. Morning and bedtime are obvious times to come up with predictable routines. Have your child involved in the planning. For example, sit her down and ask, "What can we do to make our mornings go more smoothly?" Chances are your youngster will come up with the same ideas you might have – and since she came up with the idea (rather than you), she will be more likely to follow it. She may even pose some ideas you wouldn't have considered (e.g., having a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes). Beyond the morning and night, look for other times that you can come up with a flexible schedule. For example, when your youngster gets home from school, he can be in charge of getting his own snack instead of relying on you.

3. Provide a lot of regular acknowledgement and praise. When your youngster is trying something new, you can nearly guarantee his success by praising his efforts. Kids on the autism spectrum can get easily frustrated, but by cheering on their efforts, they learn that obstacles can be overcome. They need to learn patience as they learn to do something new, and moms and dads need to be patient as they encourage their kids. For example, it may take longer for your child to tie his shoes, so give him plenty of time and don't rush him. In the end, your child will not only learn to do more on his own, but he will become more self-reliant – and grateful that his mom and dad have confidence in his abilities.
 
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

4. Help your youngster to become a goal-setter. Autonomy often goes hand-in-hand with self-confidence. When your youngster feels like she has the ability to accomplish something small (e.g., making her own bed), she will then feel more able to do more difficult tasks (e.g., washing dishes, figuring out fractions, etc.). Help along her “sense of self” by teaching her to set goals. These goals don't have to be large tasks, or even for lengthy time periods. And the reward for her efforts should be her own sense of accomplishment. Chores are a good place to start with goal-setting. So, identify with your youngster specific tasks that she can do around the house and in her bedroom. Work with her to develop a chart to mark off each day or week that she gets her tasks done.

5. Of course, supervision is important to ensure that your youngster is safe. But to help her really learn a new skill, it's also important not to hover. Finding that balance can be tricky. That's why taking simple steps toward acquiring a new skill is crucial. Potentially dangerous or messy tasks (e.g., cutting, vacuuming, working with blenders, etc.) require supervision. But make sure that with other tasks (e.g., making beds, fixing simple meals, etc.), you step back and let your child show off her skills.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

6. Let your youngster go alone. Are you the first to volunteer to chaperone the school fieldtrip? After all, what if your son forgets his sack lunch …or your daughter leaves her umbrella on the bus? Moms and dads should definitely sign up for one fieldtrip or a couple of classroom volunteer assignments each school year – but should not go to every activity. These activities serve as opportunities for kids to exert their independence while still being under adult supervision. After the activity, ask your youngster about the event. You may notice that he enjoyed going on the fieldtrip, not just because of the horses at the farm, but also because he felt responsible enough to take care of himself outside of school without his mom or dad around.

7. Let your AS or HFA child make mistakes, but be there to boost her spirits so she will keep trying. For example, if your youngster wants to learn how to make a home-made pizza, show her how. Then set up the ingredients and let her give it a try. True, you're likely in for a bit of a mess, but your youngster can help clean up (however imperfectly) after she is done crafting her pizza. Instead of pointing out that she added entirely too much mozzarella cheese, make an attempt to avoid any criticism that could discourage her from trying again. If parents step-in to assist, their youngster may get discouraged and never try it again.

8. Offer choices and solicit your youngster’s preferences for objects and activities (e.g., ask him which book of two books he wants, and ask if he wants to sit up or lie down to hear the story).

9. Provide your youngster ways to be independent in dressing and personal care.

10. Teach “life skills” to your child. Start simple with teaching day-to-day tasks. For example, have your youngster help you sort out clothes for the laundry. After the clothes are dried, give her a basket with her clothes folded inside. Once she is comfortable and confident putting away her own clothes, let her handle the folding, too. Introducing your youngster gradually to new skills will help her to feel confident to handle more demanding tasks.

These are just a few ideas to help you start thinking about ways to promote self-reliance at home. The key is to create opportunities where your youngster can feel happy, safe, and free within the world around him or her.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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