Aspergers and Sibling Issues

In this post, we will be referring to the sibling with Aspergers as the “Aspie” – and the sibling without Aspergers as the “neurotypical”...

The discovery that a child has Aspergers (or high-functioning autism) has a profound effect on a family. Kids suddenly must adjust to a brother or sister who, because of their disorder, may require a large portion of family time, attention, money, and psychological support. Yet it is an important concern to any family that the neurotypical sibling adjusts to the Aspie, because the neurotypical child's reactions to the Aspie can affect the overall adjustment and development of self-esteem in both kids.

In any family, each sibling, and each relationship that siblings have, is unique, important, and special. Brothers and sisters influence each other and play important roles in each other's lives. Indeed, sibling relationships make up a youngster's first social network and are the basis for his or her interactions with people outside the family. Brothers and sisters are playmates first; as they mature, they take on new roles with each other. They may, over the years, be many things to each other -- teacher, friend, companion, follower, protector, enemy, competitor, confidant, role model. When this relationship is affected by Aspergers, the long-term benefits of the relationship may be altered (e.g., the Aspie may have limited opportunities to interact with other kids outside the family; thus, social interaction between siblings often takes on increasing importance).

Each youngster's personality and temperament play an important role in their response toward a sibling, including one with Aspergers. Although both positive and negative feelings exist in all sibling relationships, for school-age kids and young adolescents, these relationships tend to be more positive than negative in their feeling tone. Furthermore, kids with an Aspergers sibling appear to have more positive and fewer negative behavioral interactions than do those with a non-Aspergers sibling. These positive aspects include higher levels of empathy and altruism, increased tolerance for differences, increased sense of maturity and responsibility, and pride in the sibling's accomplishments.

Living with a brother or sister, including one with Aspergers, can be rewarding, confusing, instructive, and stressful. Siblings of an Aspie express a range of emotions and responses to that sibling, similar in most ways to the range of emotions experienced toward siblings who have no disability. Kids react toward an Aspie with feelings of love, empathy, pride, guilt, anger, and support; the predominance and prevalence of these reactions have great impact on the levels of stress and coping ability of the Aspie. The positive or negative nature of the relationships between siblings and among family members may be influenced by factors such as these:

• age differences between kids in the family
• family's child-rearing practices
• family's lifestyle
• family's resources
• kind and quality of the support services available in the community
• kinds of coping mechanisms and interaction patterns that exist within the family
• number of kids in the family
• other stress-producing conditions that exist in the family
• severity of the disorder

Each youngster's reaction to having a sibling with Aspergers will vary depending on his or her age and developmental level. The responses and feelings of the neurotypical sibling toward the Aspie are not likely to be static, but rather tend to change over time as the sibling adapts to having a brother or sister with Aspergers and copes with day-to-day realities. Preschool-aged siblings, for example, may feel confused, afraid, anxious, and angry about a brother or sister with Aspergers. All kids are different; the intensity of a youngster's concerns, needs, and experiences will vary from sibling to sibling, as will a youngster's reaction to -- and interpretation of -- events. The younger the child the more difficult it may be for him or her to understand the situation and to interpret events realistically. Neurotypical siblings may resent the time their parents give to the Aspergers sibling and perceive it as rejection. They may wonder what is wrong with them that their parents love their Aspergers sister or brother more.

During the early years, the neurotypical sibling may mimic the physical or behavioral actions of the youngster with Aspergers, or the neurotypical sibling may regress in behavioral development. Later on, he or she may be prone to extremes of behavior such as "acting out" or becoming the "perfect" child.

Elementary school-aged kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed as they recognize differences between their Aspergers sibling and someone else's “normal” brother or sister. They may worry about "catching" or developing the disorder, and they may feel guilt because they themselves do not have the disorder. They may also feel protective and supportive of their Aspergers sibling, and this may trigger conflicts with peers.

Young adults may have future-oriented concerns. They may wonder what will become of their brother or sister with Aspergers. They may also be concerned about how the people they socialize with, date, and later marry will accept the brother or sister with Aspergers. Additional issues faced by young adults may include genetic counseling when planning their own families, and coping with anxiety about future responsibilities for the brother or sister with Aspergers.

Family Stress Factors—

The discovery that a youngster has Aspergers can produce stress among family members. Stress can also be caused by a number of ongoing factors, or by special circumstances. Siblings need an explanation for the tensions within the family and the cause of the tensions.

Some families are stressed by the amount of financial resources required to meet the needs of the youngster who has Aspergers. Some moms and dads may expect neurotypical siblings to accept the brother or sister with Aspergers as "normal." This expectation can lead to internalized feelings of anxiety and jealousy which the neurotypical sibling may be reluctant to voice. The parents, in turn, may fail to recognize the youngster's unhappiness and may deny that a problem exists.

Neurotypical siblings may feel obligated to compensate for the youngster with Aspergers, to make up for that youngster's limitations. They may be acting as a surrogate parent, assuming more responsibility than would be usual in the care of a neurotypical sibling. On the other hand, siblings may help the family by providing their parents with assistance and support, which they otherwise might not have, in the care of the youngster with Aspergers. The neurotypical youngster may experience jealousy because he or she may be required to do family chores, whereas, the sibling with Aspergers is not required to do them -- despite the fact that the Aspie may be unable to do them, or would have great difficulty doing them. The neurotypical sibling may resent having to integrate the Aspie into the neighborhood peer group, and may experience or perceive peer rejection because of having a sibling with Aspergers. Finally, the neurotypical sibling may feel embarrassment because of the Aspie’s characteristics or inappropriate behavior. Essentially, moms and dads, other adult family members, and professionals should realize that neurotypical siblings need special understanding, attention, support and recognition of their unique contributions to the family system.

Siblings with Aspergers, on the other hand, also experience stress as family members. These common stresses include:

• anger resulting from an inability to do things as easily and quickly as their nondisabled brothers and sisters
• frustration at not being able to make themselves understood
• irritation over constant reminders about everything
• low self-esteem
• unhappiness at being left to play alone
• withdrawal because of lack of social skills

Through it all, with understanding and support, there are usually many positive interactions and normal sibling give-and-take situations from which each learns and matures.

When moms and dads have a double standard for Aspergers and neurotypical kids, conflicts can arise. Even though the youngster with Aspergers, in fact, may need and receive more parental attention, the amount given may be perceived as unfair by neurotypical siblings. Some moms and dads, on the other hand, may tend to overindulge the “normal” sibling in an effort to compensate for a brother or sister with Aspergers. The normal rivalry between all siblings may cause the neurotypical sibling to perceive incorrectly that the parents favor or love best the sibling with Aspergers. Sara expressed the resentment she feels when her brother is dealt with lightly in comparison to her punishments:

"Normal kids can get pushed aside when their brothers or sisters has Aspergers. Jacob seems to get help naturally --it's like attention to his needs is "built into the system." I'm the bad one, but he can do no wrong. He makes all the messes, but I get into trouble if I don't empty the dishwasher."

Unlike their parents, siblings may have no knowledge of life without a brother or sister with Aspergers. Siblings generally are poorly informed about this disorder. Yet siblings' needs for information may be as great - or greater - than those of parents, because of their identification with their brother or sister with Aspergers. It is important to bear in mind that they have limited life experiences to assist them in putting the disorder into perspective. Moms and dads should respect the neurotypical siblings' need to be recognized as an individual who has concerns and questions as well as his or her right to know about the disorder. Neurotypical siblings may require information throughout their lives in a manner and form appropriate to their maturity.

For many siblings, anxiety-producing feelings often are not expressed in day-to-day family interactions and discussions, and are shared even less at school. These internalized feelings complicate sibling relationships, for kids need to vent their emotions. Kids should be given an explanation for their sibling's problems so that they will not make incorrect assumptions.

Moms and dads and professionals need to be aware that there may be a gap between the neurotypical sibling's knowledge and actions. A neurotypical sibling may be able to rationally explain a brother's or sister's disorder to inquiring friends or neighbors, but may still exhibit temper tantrums over the same sibling's actions in the home.

Most importantly, the need for information and understanding does not have to be addressed solely by the moms and dads. A youngster's disorder is a concern which should be shared by parents, helping professionals, and society. For example, some progressive clinics and hospitals have designed programs that include siblings from the beginning. These programs offer Family Support Groups which bring entire families together as a means of sharing information and mutual support.

It is important for teachers to be sensitive to neurotypical siblings' feelings and needs. Teachers can do much to promote positive sibling interactions as well as acceptance of Aspergers in all kids. During the school years, especially the early years, teachers can help to promote sibling awareness and interaction by providing opportunities for siblings to learn about Aspergers (e.g., conducting a "sibling day" or a “sibling workshop” can be an excellent way of introducing siblings to Aspergers). On this day, activities can include sharing positive experiences about having a sibling with Aspergers. Siblings without the disorder might be interested in seeing and/or participating in some of the unique activities in which their Aspergers brother or sister participates in.

Information puts fears into perspective. In most instances, simply knowing the facts about Aspergers takes away the sting of embarrassment, as well as uncertainty and fear. While embarrassment can and does occur in many situations over the years, knowledge can help one cope.

Ask parent groups, social workers, therapists, doctors, teachers, or counselors about the availability of support groups and other sibling resources in your area.

Planning For the Future—

Planning for the future raises many important issues for the family of a youngster with Aspergers. The most challenging of these dilemmas is the care of the adult sibling who has the disorder. Even though neurotypical adult siblings have lives (and often families) of their own, they face unusual, additional responsibilities because of their unique relationship with their brother or sister with Aspergers.

The amount of responsibility that adult neurotypical siblings assume for their adult sibling with Aspergers varies with individuals and with circumstances. It is dictated by a consideration of family and job responsibilities, personal choice, and available community support.

Perhaps the most challenging issue a family faces is, on the one hand, encouraging and fostering the independence and self-determination of the person with Aspergers and, on the other hand, facing the reality that, at some level, assistance may be necessary.

When planning for the future of the sibling with Aspergers, you should consider such things as mobility, social and communication skills, education, and the individual's own ideas about where to live and work. Even after careful planning and the appointment of a guardian or co-guardians, plans should be made for emergencies. A file should be kept in a safe place, known to all family members. The following ideas should be addressed when making future plans and the information should be included in this accessible file:

1. Neurotypical siblings should know where to access the needed educational, vocational, and medical records of the Aspergers sibling, and be ready to anticipate his or her changing future needs.

2. Know your state's laws regarding guardianship and independence. Do not assume that you as parents will automatically remain your youngster's guardian when he or she reaches the age of majority in your state. Establish whether the sibling with Aspergers requires no, partial, or full guardianship. This information should be in writing, and, if possible, make contingency plans in case the first-choice guardian is unable to assume that role. Be aware of the consequences in your state of not having a guardian appointed.

3. Families should gain an understanding of the legal and eligibility requirements of programs available to the family member with Aspergers. Investigate resources through government programs, such as Supplemental Security Income (SSI), Vocational Rehabilitation, Independent Living Centers, employment services, parent and disability groups.

4. Families should discover the types of community resources available. The range of services and resources varies considerably according to place of residence. Keep abreast of any changes in the availability of these services. Consider the sibling's need for long-term care, as well as for employment and companionship.

5. Families should consider the future health of the sibling with Aspergers with respect to needed services and care. Moms and dads should document where he or she can receive medical care and the financial resources and arrangements necessary for this care.

6. Develop financial plans for future care. If the family is considering establishing a trust for the family member with Aspergers, it should consider the incomes of the kids in the family, including the sibling with Aspergers. Make a will only with an attorney experienced in devising wills for those who have an heir with this disorder. Inheritances must be treated with caution. It is especially important to investigate the continued eligibility for certain social services if assets from an estate, pension, or life insurance are left to the youngster with Aspergers.

7. Be aware that, as families grow and develop, the members within it change. Living with and caring for a youngster with Aspergers is different from living with and caring for an adult with Aspergers. Family members should continually ask themselves the following questions:

• Are my career plans compatible with my responsibilities for my brother or sister with Aspergers?
• How will the responsibility be shared with other family members?
• How will these needs change?
• Is the involvement financially, emotionally and psychologically realistic for me?
• What are the needs of the sibling with Aspergers?
• What can be expected from local support groups in the community?
• What is and will be my level of involvement?
• Will my future spouse accept my brother or sister?

The care of a sibling with Aspergers is, in large part, a family affair and a responsibility that should be shared as evenly as possible. By planning effectively for the future, parents can help ease the responsibility and the feelings of stress that uncertainty about the future can bring.

Suggestions to Moms and Dads—

Moms and dads set the tone for sibling interactions and attitudes by example and by direct communications. In any family, kids should be treated fairly and valued as individuals, praised as well as disciplined, and each youngster should have special times with parents. Thus, moms and dads should periodically assess the home situation. Although important goals for a youngster with special needs are to develop feelings of self-worth and self-trust, to become as independent as possible, to develop trust in others, and to develop to the fullest of his or her abilities, these goals are also important to neurotypical siblings.

To every extent possible, moms and dads should require their kids with Aspergers to do as much as possible for themselves. Families should provide every opportunity for a normal family life by doing things together, such as cleaning the house or yard; or going on family outings to the movies, the playground, museums, or restaurants. Always, the youngster with the disorder should be allowed to participate as much as possible in family chores, and should have specific chores assigned as do the other kids.

Care-giving responsibilities for the youngster with Aspergers should be shared by all family members. It is especially important that the burden for care-giving does not fall onto the shoulders of an older sibling. If there is an older sister, there is a tendency in some families to give her the primary responsibility, or an excessive amount of it. Today, however, more communities are providing resources to ease the family's care-giving burdens. Examples include recreation activities, respite care, and parent support groups.

Here are several strategies suggested by neurotypical siblings themselves for mothers/fathers to consider in their interactions with their “normal” kids. These siblings suggest that moms and dads should:

• Welcome other kids and friends into the home
• Use respite care and other supportive services
• Use professionals when indicated to help siblings
• Teach siblings to interact
• Schedule special time with the neurotypical sibling
• Require the Aspergers youngster to do as much for himself or herself as possible
• Recognize that they are the most important, most powerful teachers of their kids
• Recognize special stress times for siblings and plan to minimize negative effects
• Recognize each youngster's unique qualities and family contribution
• Provide opportunities for a normal family life and normal family activities
• Praise all siblings
• Listen to siblings
• Limit the care-giving responsibilities of siblings
• Let siblings settle their own differences
• Join sibling-related organizations
• Involve all siblings in family events and decisions
• Be open and honest
• Accept the disorder

Kids with special needs may often need more help and require more attention and planning from their parents and others in order to achieve their maximum independence. Brothers and sisters can give parents some of the extra help and support they need; the special relationship of brothers and sisters is often lifelong. This special and unique bond among siblings can foster and encourage the positive growth of the entire family.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Oppositional Defiant Behavior in Children and Teens with Aspergers Syndrome

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition (DSM IV), defines oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) as a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that persists for at least 6 months. Behaviors included in the definition include the following:

• actively defying requests
• arguing with adults
• being touchy, easily annoyed or angered, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive.
• blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior
• deliberately annoying other people
• losing one's temper
• refusing to follow rules

OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is usually diagnosed when an Aspergers youngster has a persistent or consistent pattern of disobedience and hostility toward parents, teachers, or other adults. The primary behavioral difficulty is the consistent pattern of refusing to follow commands or requests by adults. Aspergers kids with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER are often easily annoyed; they repeatedly lose their temper, argue with adults, refuse to comply with rules and directions, and blame others for their mistakes. Stubbornness and testing limits are common, even in early childhood.

The criteria for OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER are met only when the problem behaviors occur more frequently in the Aspergers youngster than in other Aspergers kids of the same age and developmental level. These behaviors cause significant difficulties with family and friends, and the oppositional behaviors are the same both at home and in school. Sometimes, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER may be a precursor of a conduct disorder. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is not diagnosed if the problematic behaviors occur exclusively with a mood or psychotic disorder.

Prevalence and Comorbidity—

The base prevalence rates for oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) range from 1-16%, but most surveys estimate it to be 6-10% in surveys of nonclinical, non-referred samples of parents' reports. In more stringent population samples, rates are lower when impairment criteria are stricter and when the information is obtained from both parents and teachers, rather than from moms and dads only. Before puberty, the condition is more common in boys; after puberty, it is almost exclusively identified in boys, and whether the criteria are applicable to girls has been discussed. The disorder usually manifests by age 8 years. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER and other conduct problems are the single greatest reasons for referrals to outpatient and inpatient mental health settings for kids, accounting for at least half of all referrals.

Diagnosis is complicated by relatively high rates of comorbid, disruptive, behavior disorders. Some symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and conduct disorder overlap. Researchers have postulated that, in some kids, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER may be the developmental precursor of conduct disorder. Comorbidity of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER with ADHD has been reported to occur in 50-65% of affected kids.

In some Aspergers kids, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER commonly occurs in conjunction with anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. Cross-sectional surveys have revealed the comorbidity of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER with an affective disorder in about 35% of cases, with rates of comorbidity increasing with patient age. High rates of comorbidity are also found among ODDs, learning disorders, and academic difficulties. Given these findings, kids with significant oppositional and defiant behaviors often require multidisciplinary assessment and may need components of mental health care, case management, and educational intervention to improve.

Risk Factors and Etiology—

The best available data indicate that no single cause or main effect results in oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). Most experts believe that biological factors are important in OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER and that familial clustering of certain disruptive disorders, including OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER and ADHD, substance abuse, and mood disorders, occurs.

Studies of the genetics of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER have produced mixed results. Under-arousal to stimulation has been consistently found in persistently aggressive and delinquent youth and in those with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER. Exogenous factors such as prenatal exposure to toxins, alcohol, and poor nutrition all seem to have effects, but findings are inconsistent. Studies have implicated abnormalities in the prefrontal cortex; altered neurotransmitter function in the serotonergic, noradrenergic, and dopaminergic systems; and low cortisol and elevated testosterone levels.

Clinical Course—

In Aspergers toddlers, temperamental factors, such as irritability, impulsivity, and intensity of reactions to negative stimuli, may contribute to the development of a pattern of oppositional and defiant behaviors in later childhood. Family instability, including economic stress, parental mental illness, harshly punitive behaviors, inconsistent parenting practices, multiple moves, and divorce, may also contribute to the development of oppositional and defiant behaviors.

The interactions of an Aspergers youngster who has a difficult temperament and irritable behavior with moms and dads who are harsh, punitive, and inconsistent usually lead to a coercive, negative cycle of behavior in the family. In this pattern, the youngster's defiant behavior tends to intensify the parents' harsh reactions. The moms and dads respond to misbehavior with threats of punishment that are inconsistently applied. When the parent punishes the youngster, the youngster learns to respond to threats. When the parent fails to punish the youngster, the youngster learns that he or she does not have to comply. Research indicates that these patterns are established early, in the youngster's preschool years; left untreated, pattern development accelerates, and patterns worsen.

Developmentally, the presenting problems change with the Aspergers youngster's age. For example, younger kids are more likely to engage in oppositional and defiant behavior, whereas older kids are more likely to engage in more covert behavior such as stealing.

By the time they are school aged, Aspergers kids with patterns of oppositional behavior tend to express their defiance with teachers and other adults and exhibit aggression toward their peers. As kids with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) progress in school, they experience increasing peer rejection due to their poor social skills and aggression. These kids may be more likely to misinterpret their peers' behavior as hostile, and they lack the skills to solve social conflicts. In problem situations, kids with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER are more likely to resort to aggressive physical actions rather than verbal responses. Kids with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER and poor social skills often do not recognize their role in peer conflicts; they blame their peers (e.g., "He made me hit him.") and usually fail to take responsibility for their own actions.

The following 3 classes of behavior are hallmarks of both oppositional and conduct problems:

1. emotional overreaction to life events, no matter how small
2. failure to take responsibility for one's own actions
3. noncompliance with commands

When behavioral difficulties are present beginning in the preschool period, teachers and families may overlook significant deficiencies in the youngster's learning and academic performance. When many Aspergers kids with behavioral problems and academic problems are placed in the same classroom, the risk for continued behavioral and academic problems increases. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER behavior may escalate and result in serious antisocial actions that, when sufficiently frequent and severe, become criteria to change the diagnosis to conduct disorder. Milder forms of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER in some kids spontaneously remit over time. More severe forms of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER, in which many symptoms are present in the toddler years and continually worsen after the youngster is aged 5 years, may evolve into conduct disorder in older kids and adolescents.

Treatment—

Given the high probability that oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) occurs alongside attention disorders, learning disorders, and conduct disturbances, an evaluation for these disorders is indicated for comprehensive treatment. Pharmacologic treatment (e.g., stimulant medication) for ADHD may be beneficial once this is diagnosed. Aspergers kids with oppositional behavior in the school setting should undergo necessary screening testing in school to evaluate for possible learning disabilities. With the multifaceted nature of associated problems in OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER, comprehensive treatment may include medication, parenting and family therapy, and consultation with the school staff. If kids with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER are found to have ADHD as well, appropriate treatment of ADHD may help them to restore their focus and attention and decrease their impulsivity; such treatment may enable their social and behavioral interventions to be more effective.

Parent management training (PMT) is recommended for families of Aspergers kids with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the kids and their moms and dads. PMT consists of procedures in which parents are trained to change their own behaviors and thereby alter their youngster's problem behavior in the home. PMT is based on 35 years of well-developed research showing that oppositional and defiant patterns arise from maladaptive parent-child interactions that start in early childhood.

These patterns develop when moms and dads inadvertently reinforce disruptive and deviant behaviors in a youngster by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents, who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests, usually fail to provide positive attention; often, the moms and dads have infrequent positive interactions with their kids. The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly as the result of repeated, ineffective, emotionally expressed commands and comments; ineffective harsh punishments; and insufficient attention and modeling of appropriate behaviors.

PMT alters the pattern by encouraging the parent to pay attention to prosocial behavior and to use effective, brief, non-aversive punishments. Treatment is conducted primarily with the moms and dads; the therapist demonstrates specific procedures to modify parental interactions with their youngster. Moms and dads are first trained to simply have periods of positive play interaction with their youngster. They then receive further training to identify the youngster's positive behaviors and to reinforce these behaviors. At that point, parents are trained in the use of brief negative consequences for misbehavior. Treatment sessions provide the moms and dads with opportunities to practice and refine the techniques.

Follow-up studies of operational PMT techniques in which moms and dads successfully modified their behavior showed continued improvements for years after the treatment was finished. Treatment effects have been stronger with younger kids, especially in those with less severe problems. Recent research suggests that less severe problems, rather than a younger patient age, is predictive of treatment success. Approximately 65% of families show significant clinical benefit from well-designed parent management programs.

Regardless of the Aspergers youngster's age, intervention early in the developing pattern of oppositional behavior is likely to be more effective than waiting for the youngster to grow out of it. These kids can benefit from group treatment. The process of modeling behaviors and reactions within group settings creates a real-life adaptation process. In younger kids, combined treatment in which moms and dads attend a PMT group while the kids go to a social skills group has consistently resulted in the best outcome. The efficacy of group treatment of adolescents with oppositional behaviors has been debated. Group therapy for adolescents with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is most beneficial when it is structured and focused on developing the skills of listening, empathy, and effective problem solving.

Obstacles to Treatment—

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), and other conduct problems, can be intractable. Despite advances in treatment, many Aspergers kids continue to have long-term negative sequelae. PMT requires parental cooperation and effort for success. Existing psychiatric conditions in the moms and dads can be a major obstacle to effective treatment. Depression in a parent, particularly the mother, can prevent successful intervention with the youngster and become worse if the youngster's behavior is out of control. Substance abuse and other more severe psychiatric conditions can adversely affect parenting skills, and these conditions are particularly problematic for the moms and dads of a youngster with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER.

In situations in which the moms and dads lack the resources to effectively manage their Aspergers youngster, services can be obtained through schools or county mental health agencies. Many states have effective "wrap around" services, which include a full-day school program and home-based therapy services to maintain progress in the home setting. Thus, effective treatment can include resources from several agencies, and coordination is critical. If county mental health or school special education services are involved, one person is usually designated to coordinate services in those systems.


My Aspergers Child: Parent Management Training (PMT) for Parents with Defiant Aspergers Children


Keywords—
• Aspergers and ADHD
• Aspergers and antisocial actions
• Aspergers and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder
• Aspergers and conduct disorder
• Aspergers and defiant behavior
• Aspergers and defiant disorder
• Aspergers and disruptive behavior
• Aspergers and harshly punitive behaviors
• Aspergers and hostile behavior
• Aspergers and impulsivity
• Aspergers and irritability
• Aspergers and learning disorders
• Aspergers and maladaptive parent-child interactions
• Aspergers and noncompliance with commands
• Aspergers and ODD
• Aspergers and oppositional defiant disorder
• Aspergers and overreaction to life events
• Aspergers and parent management training
• Aspergers and peer rejection
• Aspergers and stubbornness
• Aspergers defiant disorder
• Aspergers negativistic behavior

Abnormal Grieving in Children on the Autism Spectrum

“I have a 10-year old son Michael who has high functioning autism. His father passed away a couple months ago. Michael coped with this remarkably well initially. He didn’t seem terribly upset, and didn’t even cry at the memorial service. But about 3 weeks ago, we went together as a family to put some additional flowers on his father’s grave.  Later that day, I found him sobbing intensely in the closet in his bedroom. Currently, he is having a lot of behavior problems at school and is risking suspension. The school is considering transferring him to a special education class for students with various disabilities. Today, he refused to go to school. He hardly leaves the house. He prefers to stay in his room playing video games, and will not even eat meals with us. I told him that I would like for us to see a counselor for therapy, but he says he will not go! So my question is how do I get Michael to cope with the loss of his father?”

Children with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger’s have difficulty with empathy. This is largely due to the fact that the connection between their rational brain and their emotional brain is not fluid. They tend to get stuck on one side or the other. In other words, they are "Spock-like" (Star Trek reference) or excessively emotional. They have a huge disconnect between thinking and feeling, or cognitive empathy and emotional empathy.

The cause is poorly working circuits in the brain. Your son's brain has limited neurological mechanisms in place to understand or empathize. Perhaps this is why he could be stoic for a time. True empathy is the ability to be aware of one’s own feelings and thoughts -- at the same time. And it means having the wherewithal to speak about this awareness.

My best guess is that after his father's death, he was very much in his rational brain. Evidently the visit to the grave site was the trigger that linked his rational side to his emotional side. Your son is likely to be stuck in the emotional side of his brain longer than a "typical" child might be. Thus, he may take longer than expected to progress through the grief cycle.

The phases of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And it’s not uncommon for children on the autism spectrum to remain stuck in one of these phases for an extended period of time. After all, they do suffer from a “developmental disorder,” which means that they are emotionally and socially immature compared to their same-age peers. Mind-blindness and Alexithymia also play a role in the disruption of the grief cycle.

Some of these children display little emotion at the time of the parent’s death, almost to the point of appearing indifferent. They may fantasize that the parent is still alive, or believe that the parent will come back to life someday. However, they eventually become distraught (perhaps months later) once they have passed through the denial phase.

Others accept the fact that the parent is deceased – knowing full well what death means – but begin to display anger-management problems almost immediately. These children “act-out” behaviorally in a variety of ways, both at home and school. They have an acute reaction to the parent’s death, and may experience frequent and lengthy meltdowns for weeks – and even months – after the death.

Then there are those who turn their anger inward in the form of depression. They may refuse to attend school, refuse to eat meals with the rest of the family, and generally hibernate in their bedrooms. They are extremely hard to console, and tend to grieve longer than is typical.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

As mentioned earlier, acceptance is the last phase of grief. Your son will get to that acceptance phase on his own time, which means the link from the emotional side to the rational side has had a connection. I believe that your son is stuck in the depression phase currently. And it wouldn't be surprising to see him bounce back and forth between depression and anger.

So, the emotional and behavioral issues that you are witnessing are, in my opinion, depression driven. Thus, it would be good to see the doctor and have your son assessed. He may need to be on an antidepressant for a short period of time.

Here are some additional things to consider:

After a death, many kids benefit from sharing their story. Telling their story is a healing experience. Therefore, one of the best ways you can help your son is to encourage him to talk about the experience and listen to his story. He could even write his story rather than speak it (e.g., he may want to tell what happened, where he was when he was told about the death, what it was like for him, etc.).

Especially now, your son needs continuity (i.e., normal activities at home and school), care (e.g., plenty of hugs and cuddles), and connection (i.e., to still feel connected to his father and you).

Talk to your son's teacher and other school staff about what has happened so that they are able to provide extra support.

Grief is a very lonely experience for all kids, but especially for those with an autism spectrum disorder. It’s important that your son continues to feel looked after and cared for. Ask other family members and friends to help you with this -- especially when your own grief is overwhelming!

When a parent dies, the entire family feels fractured and incomplete. It’s quite natural for your son to withdraw for a while. Give him time and space to grieve rather than insisting that he eat dinner with you.

Know that your son needs to have his fears and anxieties addressed. He needs to have respect for his own way of coping, reassurance that he is not to blame, and opportunities to remember his father. He also needs inclusion in rituals and anniversaries, adequate information about the death, and acknowledgement and acceptance of his feelings.

 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

In addition, try some of the following strategies:

• Talk about his dad (mention his name frequently).
• Create an album of photographs and stories.
• Create special rituals or remembrance activities.
• Keep a journal of memories.
• Link objects and special things (e.g., it's important that your son have some of the special objects that belonged to his father, such as items of clothing, jewelry, etc.).
• Make a memory box and use this to store precious things that offer memories of his father.
• Put together questions that build a portrait of his father (e.g., what was his favorite food, what was his favorite place, what was his favorite TV program, etc.). These questions can be asked and answered together as a family whenever the time seems right (i.e., when your son is actually in the mood to talk about his father).

Lastly, kids who are experiencing emotional problems due to the loss of a parent can really benefit from grief counseling. Below are some signs that your son may need professional help. Many of these signs are normal following the death of a mother or father, but indicate a problem if they are prolonged:

• aggressive behavior and anger
• eating disturbance (e.g., eating excessively or having no appetite)
• marked social withdrawal (e.g., not wanting to socialize with family or friends)
• persistent blame or guilt
• persistent difficulty talking about the deceased parent
• school difficulties (e.g., academic reversal, school refusal, inability to concentrate, behavioral problems)
• self-destructive behavior (e.g., suicidal thoughts, talking about wanting to hurt themselves)
• sleep difficulties
• unexplained physical symptoms and discomfort (e.g., stomach aches, headaches)

Grief counseling provides kids the opportunity to talk about very difficult things in a safe and nonjudgmental environment. If all else fails, the seeking the assistance of a qualified grief counselor is highly recommended (preferably one who specializes in working with children on the autism spectrum).

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD

 

 

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  Do not be afraid of special education classes...Most are so smart and the teacher is well equipped to assist with these things! Best thing I ever did for my son.
•    Anonymous said… Get him a kitten or puppy....he needs to love...it worked well with my mom passing and my noeces were in serious grief (ages 5 and 6) at that time. It was quite the healer ....
•    Anonymous said… Here in NY , My aspie hasnt found an ounce of understanding in any of the 3 schools he has been in ...the damage they have done is unreal ...all i can say is ... be your childs advocate or get one and be LOUD and take no crud ! If i had it to do all over again ... things would be so different ...the school system would be asking ME how high should we jump !
•    Anonymous said… I have been through this with my two surviving children when their brother passed away suddenly in a car accident. My first advice is to protect your child at school. Make sure your gets a functional behavioral assessment to ensure he is protected. Put the request in writing and ask for a response within three days. Send the request by email or preferably certified mail. Moving classrooms sounds like school/administrativly focused rather than child focused. Everything I know about autism and grief in teens/children says maintain consistency. Is this school focused on your child's needs or on what is best for them from an administrative standpoint? My daughter became increasingly withdrawn to the point of refusing to go to school. Unfortunately for us, it became a very negative situation where the teachers and administrators just wanted a quick fix, such as medication - which she was already on. It was obvious they just "didn't want to deal with it". We wound up homeschooling this year and she is sooooo much happier. I feel in hindsight she needed that time to "heal" and to be in a protective, loving environment where stress is minimized. I know it might seem impossible if you are working and/or a single parent, but look into online programs, local home-school co-ops, etc. Seek out therapy together and tell him it's for "the family," that way he doesn't feel singled out. Have him earn video game time or maybe a new game or add-on for going. Big  🤗
•    Anonymous said… I'd watch his behaviour carefully. The massive cry may have helped, but if you're still seeing signs of stress in his play, it might be worth seeing a psych.
•    Anonymous said… My asd daughter was 5 when he first dad died she never spoke about him since. Went to grave few times and now older she tells me if she wants to go. I gave her photos and some of his things to keep. She is 16 now. I think she has just accepted it I remarried x hope you find the answer for your son sorry for ur loss
•    Anonymous said… There are grief counselors who can come to the home. Not sure if trained for special needs, but I will look for the link. I know also that play or art therapy with counseling if you can him there eventually can help.
•    Anonymous said… This explains so much! When our daughter passed (his little sister) my husband and I had to sit our son down and tell him. His exact words were "Meh, i wanted a brother anyway." Now this was prior to him being diagnosed and I was taken aback but did not for a second think he meant it ill intentioned just because I know my son. Now that he is diagnosed, my whole life is now filling in the missing pieces of the last 10 years. It's all coming together.
•    Anonymous said… When my mother died of cancer this past August, my son didn't cry or talk about it at all. Several months later, my daughter pointed out that he has been "meaner since Granny died". I started to talking to him about it and he just fell apart, crying hysterically! He has not cried or spoken about it since. Should I bring this up with him and make him talk about it?

Post your comment below…

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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Clingy Behavior in Children with ASD [High-Functioning Autism]

"Any advice on how to deal with separation anxiety in a child with high functioning autism? Dropping him off at school is a nightmare!"

You used to leave your high-functioning autistic (HFA) child with loved ones or drop him off at school with a kiss on the cheek and a quick wave goodbye. Clingy behavior seemed to be a problem only for other children. But, now your goodbyes trigger tears or tantrums – or both.

If your youngster's clingy behavior seems intense or prolonged (especially if it interferes with school or other daily activities), you will want to address this situation sooner than later, because the longer it goes on, the worse it gets and the tougher it is to treat.


Each youngster handles stress differently, so the causes of clingy behavior will be different for each boy or girl. A parent's job is to play detective and figure out what's causing clingy behavior. Sometimes clinginess may be triggered by situations such as:

• bullying
• family stress 
• new child care situation
• new home
• new school
• new sibling

Keep in mind that the goal here is for your child to learn to cope with life without you, however long it takes. 

Here are a few parenting tips that help make goodbyes less stressful:

1. Ask your child if there is anything worrying him (e.g., bullying, illness, bereavement, etc.). Try to identify what might be causing the clinginess and describe his feelings so he begins to understand it. By describing his feelings and expressing your own feelings of wanting to be there for him, he will feel understood and be less likely to need your physical presence as reassurance.

2. Teach how to "talk to the fear." Help your youngster name the feeling (e.g., "I'm afraid"). Then, teach him how to talk back to the fear so he is in charge of the fear and not the other way around. The trick is to have him practice telling himself he'll be okay to build confidence (e.g., "Go away fear, leave me alone. Mom will come back.").

 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

3. Kids on the autism spectrum (as with all kids) build self-confidence through mastering new tasks and contributing to their environment in a helpful way. Create tasks that your youngster can help you with at home (e.g., setting the table, cooking, cleaning up, etc.). The more confident a youngster feels in her abilities, the more secure she will feel in ANY environment.

4. When kids exhibit clingy behavior, it is generally viewed as a positive sign that they feel close and secure in the parent’s care and go to the parent for comfort when they are feeling distress. Responding to clingy behavior by ignoring or punishing it may make your youngster less likely to come to you when he is feeling afraid or vulnerable.

5. Some moms and dads find it easier to sneak out when their son or daughter has a hard time or throws a tantrum each time they leave. But, this will only increase your youngster’s anxiety and clinginess, because she will be afraid to engage in any activity too long for fear that you may sneak out and disappear at any moment.

6. Find people your child trusts (e.g., neighbor, relative, friend, etc.) who know your youngster's quirks, routines, likes and dislikes. Gradually stretch separation times, and slowly broaden your youngster's "inner security circle."

7. If you're leaving your youngster at home or in another familiar environment, give him a gentle goodbye – then go! Encourage your youngster's caregiver to distract him or engage him in a new activity right away. If you're leaving your youngster in a new environment, you might play with him for a few minutes to ease the transition. When you leave, remind him that you'll be back. Be specific about when you'll return (e.g., "after school").

8. Give your youngster something to look forward to. Discuss something fun that will happen while you're gone.

9. Make things more predictable for your youngster by making the schedule or routine as concrete as possible. Although you know your youngster’s schedule, she may not. HFA kids don’t have a clear sense of time, live mostly in the here and now, and have shorter memory spans. Using pictures to depict their weekly schedule (especially when it changes every 2 to 3 days), telling them what to expect next, and reminding them when you will be available to spend time with them (e.g., "Remember, our special snack time is after school") will help reduce anxiety by bringing a sense of orderliness and structure to their day.

10. Socializing with kids the same age can help these young people develop attachments to their peers and can build social skills necessary for interacting with people outside of the immediate family. Set up regular play dates with a friend of your youngster’s choice from school, or schedule a class or weekly trips to the park.

11. Keep the crying and tantrums in perspective. Your youngster's tears and anger are an attempt to keep you from leaving. When you're gone, the tears and anger aren't likely to last long (especially once your youngster is engaged in a new activity).

 

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder 

12. Studies reveal that kids whose mom or dad prepared them for a separation were able to leave the parent far easier and protested far less than those not prepared. So, for example, drive by the birthday party in advance, go meet the new teacher before the first school day, take an online tour of the school before the move, and so on.

13. Leave a special reminder. Offer a blanket, stuffed animal or other comforting object for your youngster to hold while you're gone.

14. Practice saying goodbye. Do some role-playing. Eventually your youngster will learn that he can count on you to return, just as you did in the role-play.

15. Create "goodbye" rituals. Create a special kiss, or provide a special pebble or key chain to put in his pants pocket, then explain that when he touches the item, it means you're thinking of him.

16. Praise your youngster for tasks or activities that she is able to do independently (e.g., household chores, playing nicely on her own or with friends, etc.). Praising your youngster for doing things independently sends the message that she is capable of doing things for herself and should feel confident without your close supervision and guidance.

17. Some kids on the spectrum feel a constant need for affection because they are not sure when or if the attention will be available. Schedule 5 to 10 minutes every day when you can provide your youngster with undivided attention (i.e., no computer, T.V., cell phones, etc.).

18. Use a consistent phrase when saying goodbye (e.g., “I’ll see you again shortly”). Be brief, don’t linger, and don’t overreact if your youngster gets upset after saying goodbye. Overreacting will only feed into his anxiety and make it worse, while lingering will increase the likelihood that he will continue to sulk or seek your attention to prolong your stay each time.

19. Occasionally, you may need to stay with your youngster during social activities. Play with her and her peers until she is comfortable playing on her own. Be available during play dates to teach and model social skills, respond to conflict, and monitor situations that may cause stress or anxiety.

20. Use social stories, drawings, and other creative approaches appropriate to your youngster’s age to explain what he is thinking and feeling when you leave him somewhere.

21. Parental anxiety feeds into your youngster’s anxiety, so curb your anxiety and watch how you react. Kids can catch our fears.

22. Time your departure carefully. Your youngster may be more likely to have a tantrum when you leave if she is tired, hungry or restless. When possible, leave when your youngster is fed and rested.

23. Recruit one of your child’s peers to support him (e.g., peer comes to your house and walks with your child to school).

24. Develop a plan for gradual separation whereby you gradually shorten the period of time you spend saying goodbye – and increase the amount of time apart.

25. Avoid over-protection and too much reassurance. Always rescuing or being overprotective robs your youngster of confidence. The key is to find the balance between pushing and protecting. 

 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

How do I balance out the needs of two children on the spectrum and two NT kids?

Question

How do I balance out the needs of two children on the spectrum and two NT kids?

Answer

Parenting is hard work. Unless you have a child with Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism, you just have no idea about the true demands this adds to everyday parenting. A second child on the spectrum does not always mean more of the same because every child is affected so differently. Balancing the needs of a large family is a full time job, even without Asperger’s Syndrome!

It is easy to feel overwhelmed and stretched too thin when you have so much on your parenting plate. Planning a strategy to help meet everyone’s needs is necessary. Don’t forget to take care of yourself so you’ll feel like taking care of everyone else.

Taking care of yourself:

• Participate in support groups focused on the needs of Asperger’s families.
• Find respite care when you need a break. Everyone deserves to get out and relax for an hour or so.
• Do not ignore your hobbies. A mother with four kids is going to have to schedule time for hobbies, but it is important to do things you enjoy for relaxation and personal growth.
• Keep in touch with your friends. You need this form of support. Your friends know you and know how to lift your spirits and keep you motivated.

Taking care of your kids:

• Spend one-on-one time with each child. Focus a little time each week on each child. They all enjoy the special attention and it gives you a chance to teach each one something new or enjoy a favorite-shared activity.
• Keep in touch with each child’s teacher. The children spend a big chunk of time at school. Knowing what is going on at school will help you be a more effective parent and advocate for your children.
• Look for ways to make life fun and ‘normal’ for your family. “Top Ten Tips: A Survival Guide for Families with Children on the Autism Spectrum” by Teresa A. Cardon, M.A., CCC-SLP; foreword by Kristi Sakai is a book that lists practical tips for living with Asperger’s and how to blend all of your family into everyday life situations. Suggestions cover life at home, at school, and in the community.
• Listen to each of your children. Sometimes moms of many can get so busy that they forget to stop and listen. A few minutes of listening to each child can clarify the causes of problem behavior or illuminate special moments.

Finding balance is a goal for which to aim. With a little investigation and preparation, you will find what works for each of your children and your family as a whole.

Best Parenting Practices for Raising "Newly Diagnosed" Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"We recently learned that our son has High-Functioning Autism and are concerned about how to approach this new challenge.... his triggers, learning problems, treatments, added stress to our family, how to explain autism to him... etc."

Moms and dads can do a lot to help their kids with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. But, it's important to make sure you get the support you need. When you're raising a youngster on the autism spectrum, taking care of yourself is not an act of selfishness—it's a necessity! Being emotionally strong allows you to be the best mother or father you can be to your “special needs” son or daughter.

If you've recently learned that your youngster has High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS), you're probably wondering and worrying about what comes next. No parent is ever prepared to hear that a youngster is anything other than happy and healthy, and a formal diagnosis can be particularly scary. You may be unsure about how to best help your youngster. You might be confused by conflicting treatment advice. You may have been told that High-Functioning Autism is an incurable, lifelong condition, leaving you concerned that nothing you do will make a difference. These are all common responses.

While it is true that High-Functioning Autism is not something a child simply "out-grows," there are many treatments that can help these kids learn new skills and overcome a wide variety of developmental challenges. Assistance is available to meet your youngster's special needs. With the right treatment plan and a lot of love and support, your youngster will learn, grow and thrive.

Best tips for parents with newly diagnosed children on the autism spectrum:

1. Rather than focusing on how your HFA or AS youngster is different from other kids and what he is “missing,” practice acceptance. Enjoy your kid’s special quirks, celebrate small successes, and stop comparing him to others. Feeling unconditionally loved and accepted will help your youngster more than anything else.

2. Kids with High-Functioning Autism have a hard time adapting what they’ve learned in one setting (e.g., the therapist’s office or school) to others, including the home. Creating consistency in your youngster’s environment is the best way to reinforce learning. Find out what your youngster’s therapists are doing and continue their strategies at home. Explore the possibility of having therapy take place in more than one place in order to encourage your youngster to transfer what she has learned from one environment to another. Also, be consistent in the way you interact with your youngster and deal with challenging behaviors.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

3. Become an expert on your youngster. Figure out what triggers his disruptive behaviors and what elicits a positive response. What does your HFA youngster find stressful? Calming? Uncomfortable? Enjoyable? If you understand what affects him, you’ll be better at troubleshooting problems and preventing situations that cause problems.

4. When it comes to treatment for High-Functioning Autism, there are a variety of therapies. Some focus on reducing problematic behaviors and building communication and social skills, while others deal with sensory integration problems, motor skills, emotional issues, and food sensitivities. With so many choices, it is extremely important to do your research, talk to treatment experts, and ask questions. But keep in mind that you don't have to choose just one type of therapy.

The goal of treatment should be to treat all of your youngster's symptoms and needs. This often requires a combined treatment approach that takes advantage of many different types of therapy. Common HFA treatments include speech-language therapy, play-based therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, nutritional therapy, and behavior therapy.

5. Secure a private spot in your home where your youngster can relax, feel secure, and be safe. This will involve organizing and setting boundaries in ways your youngster can understand. Visual cues can be helpful (e.g., colored tape marking areas that are off limits, labeling items in the house with pictures). You may also need to safety-proof the house, particularly if your youngster is prone to wild tantrums or other self-injurious behaviors.

6. Create a personalized treatment plan. And keep in mind that no matter what treatment plan is chosen, your involvement is vital to its success. You can help your youngster get the most out of treatment by working hand-in-hand with the treatment team and following through with the therapy at home. When putting together a treatment plan for your youngster, remember that there is no single treatment that will work for every child. Each boy or girl with High-Functioning Autism is unique, with different strengths and weaknesses.

Good questions to get answers to include: How does your youngster learn best (e.g., through seeing, listening, or doing)? What are your youngster’s strengths? What are your youngster’s weaknesses? What behaviors are causing the most problems? What does your youngster enjoy and how can those activities be used in treatment? And, what important skills is your youngster lacking? A good treatment plan will: (a) teach tasks as a series of simple steps; (b) provide regular reinforcement of behavior; (c) offer a predictable schedule; (d) involve the mother and father; (e) build on the youngster's interests; and (f) actively engage the youngster's attention in highly structured activities.

7. Think positive. It’s impossible to predict the course of High-Functioning Autism. Don’t jump to conclusions about what life is going to be like for your youngster. Like everyone else, children on the spectrum have an entire lifetime to grow and develop their abilities.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

8. As the parent of a youngster with High-Functioning Autism, the best thing you can do is to start treatment right away. Seek help as soon as you suspect something’s wrong. Don't wait to see if your youngster will catch up later or outgrow the problem. Don't even wait for an official diagnosis. The earlier kids with on the autism spectrum get help, the greater their chance of treatment success. Early intervention is the most effective way to speed up your youngster's development and reduce related symptoms.

9. Every mother or father needs a break now and again. And for a parent coping with the added stress of High-Functioning Autism, this is especially true. In respite care, another caregiver takes over temporarily, giving you a break for a few hours, days, or even weeks. Look for respite care options in your area.

10. Figure out the need behind the tantrum. It’s only natural to feel upset when you are misunderstood or ignored, and it’s no different for kids with High-Functioning Autism. When an HFA boy or girl acts-out, it’s often because the parent is not picking up on the child’s nonverbal cues. Throwing a tantrum is his or her way of communicating frustration and getting the parent’s attention.

11. If stress, anxiety, or depression is getting to you, see a therapist of your own. Therapy is a safe place where you can talk honestly about everything you’re feeling. Marriage or family therapy can also help you work out problems that the challenges of life with an HFA youngster are causing in your marriage or with other family members.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

12. Joining a support group is a great way to meet other parents dealing with the same challenges. Moms and dads can share information, get advice, and lean on each other for emotional support. Just being around others in the same boat and sharing their experience can go a long way toward reducing the isolation you may feel after receiving your youngster’s diagnosis.

13. Know your youngster’s rights. As the mother or father of an HFA youngster, you have a legal right to: (a) seek an outside evaluation for your youngster; (b) request an IEP meeting at any time if you feel your youngster’s needs are not being met; (c) invite anyone you want—from a relative to your youngster’s physician—to be on the IEP team; (d) free or low-cost legal representation if you can’t come to an agreement with the school; (e) disagree with the school system’s recommendations; and (f) be involved in developing your youngster’s IEP from start to finish.

14. Learn as much as you can about High-Functioning Autism. The more you know about it, the better equipped you’ll be to make informed decisions for your youngster. Educate yourself about the treatment options, ask questions, and participate in all treatment decisions.

15. A youngster coping with High-Functioning Autism is still a kid. For both you and your child, there needs to be more to life than therapy. Schedule playtime when your youngster is most alert and awake. Figure out ways to have fun together by thinking about things that make your youngster smile, laugh, and come out of his shell. He is likely to enjoy these activities most if they don’t seem therapeutic or educational. There are tremendous benefits that result from your enjoyment of your youngster’s company – and from his enjoyment of spending un-pressured time with you.  Play is an essential part of learning and shouldn’t feel like work.

16. Pay attention to your youngster’s sensory sensitivities. Many kids with High-Functioning Autism are hypersensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smell. Other HFA kids are “under-sensitive” to sensory stimuli. Figure out what sights, sounds, smells, movements, and tactile sensations trigger your kid’s disruptive behaviors – and what elicits a positive response. What does she find stressful? Calming? Uncomfortable? Enjoyable? If you understand what affects her, you’ll be better at troubleshooting problems and preventing situations that cause difficulties.

17. Positive reinforcement can go a long way with HFA kids, so make an effort to “catch your child doing something good.” Praise him when he acts appropriately or learns a new skill, being very specific about what behavior he is being praised for. Also look for other ways to reward him for good behavior (e.g., giving him a sticker, letting him play with a favorite game, etc.).

18. Kids with High-Functioning Autism tend to do best when they have a highly-structured schedule or routine. They need and crave consistency. Set up a schedule with regular times for meals, therapy, school, and bedtime. Try to keep disruptions to this routine to a minimum. If there is an unavoidable schedule change, prepare your youngster for it in advance.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism