Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum Who Don't Respond Well to Discipline

Question

My 10-year-old son has been getting into trouble on multiple levels lately. He’s had two referrals at school within the last week, and his behavior at home is totally unacceptable. We've tried about everything we know to do at this point. How do you effectively discipline an obstinate child with autism (high functioning)?

Answer

Disciplining kids and teens with a developmental disorder like High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) can be extremely difficult, so don't feel like you're the only parent who's ever had a problem with it. Obviously, your son does have to learn some things, and like all children, discipline will need to come into play.

Here are 21 critical disciplinary tips for parents of kids on the autism spectrum:

1. A common complaint of moms and dads with HFA and AS kids is the almost obsessive nature that the disorder can have with a certain object or action. Repeated words, a fixation on a collection, or the obsession with a character or television show is an indicator of HFA/AS, and as a parent, you have the power to limit the interest so that your youngster can experience other things. Make time each day for your youngster to indulge in his interest, but introduce other things to him as well.

2. As a parent, you may find yourself constantly explaining the condition to other moms and dads, teachers and friends. It is your duty to clear the path for your youngster's interactions by letting others know about the disorder and explaining how it might affect their relationship with your youngster. Creating awareness makes it easier for your youngster to interact with others who understand why he is different and don't take offense to the things he says and does.

3. Kids with an autism spectrum disorder thrive on clear rules, therefore posting a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences can be immensely helpful. For younger kids who cannot read yet, the rules should be reviewed periodically, and the list could also have visual illustrations to demonstrate the bad behaviors and punishments associated.

4. Kids with HFA and AS often have trouble both understanding communication and comprehending tone of voice. Sometimes a visual instruction is more effective than a verbal one, since your youngster can review the action as often as needed. Visuals can be used to suggest schedules, chores and even processes like the correct way to use the bathroom. Use pictures, photographs and cartoons to help your son understand what is expected.

5. Cognitive-behavioral therapies are often used to help a child on the autism spectrum unlearn his undesirable behaviors and replace them with more positive behaviors. Through this therapeutic technique, the child will learn to recognize the behaviors that need to be discontinued and come up with strategies to change his behaviors in the moment, until the change becomes permanent.

6. Create a list of behaviors and actions your youngster can't control due to the his diagnosis. These may include repetitive behaviors such as spinning or hand flapping, along with poor peer relations and easy distractablity. Your youngster may require help and guidance to overcome these issues. However, he should not be disciplined for behaviors related directly to the disorder.

7. Determine preventative instructions to help your youngster learn the appropriate way to handle difficult situations. Through role play, discussion and stories, you can provide your youngster with alternatives to hitting, yelling and throwing. Social stories, developed to help HFA and AS kids understand difficult situations, may be particularly helpful for teaching about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Because kids with the disorder often process information slowly, repeat your preventative instructions numerous times.

8. Develop an appropriate format for instructing your youngster about behaviors that are unacceptable and that will result in a negative consequence. Because the symptoms often include difficulty processing information, the list may need to be verbalized, written down and displayed in picture format. Copying the list and placing it throughout the house may also be helpful.

9. Establish a clear list of unacceptable behaviors for your youngster. Include insights and feedback from your spouse, your child’s doctor, babysitters, teachers and others who regularly interact with your youngster. These inappropriate behaviors include things like aggression, rude language, defiance and non compliance.

10. Implement a consequence plan. For each negative behavior you have identified as inappropriate from your youngster, decide the consequence. Discipline needs to be clear, concise, consistent and calm. If your youngster misbehaves, tell him in a few words what he did wrong and tell him the consequence (e.g., "Hitting your brother is inappropriate. Go sit in the timeout chair for 5 minutes").

11. Trouble can arise from friends who take advantage of an HFA or AS youngster. While your son may enjoy friendships, his unique situation may become a cause for concern when he is not able to properly communicate with friends or allows friends to take advantage of him. Only allow your son to spend time with other kids that you know and trust, under a parent's supervision. Once you become more comfortable with friends and social situations, you can slowly allow your son more freedom.

12. Children on the spectrum tend to enjoy being isolated because it is less stressful for them and they do not have to socialize with others. For these kids, time-outs can actually be a positive experience unless modified slightly. Removing kids from something fun might be a better alternative. For example, if a youngster loves to play with blocks, perhaps the blocks should go in the time-out area. A timer can be used, and this will help parents be more consistent when applying time-outs. Kids prone to destructive tantrums may be placed in a room that contains no breakable items or one that has pillows children can use to get out their frustrations.

13. Moms and dads need time-outs. If one parent is home with the "special needs" child all day long, that parent may need a break later. Moms and dads should pay attention to one another and give each other time to decompress when necessary. Develop a hand signal or other visual clue that lets the other know when these moments arise.

14. Moms and dads need to be in agreement when applying discipline to any youngster, but especially for kids with an autism spectrum disorder. If one parent thinks spanking is the appropriate punishment while the other feels that time-outs will be more effective, this will be confusing for the youngster. Time-outs, loss of privileges such as video games, TV, or weekly allowances, a fair fining structure (as in police ticketing) with a cost associated with each offending behavior or additional chores can all be used effectively.

15. Moms and dads should list the behaviors that they feel are most deserving of attention. This is an important step because some behaviors may need intervention or therapy in order to be eliminated rather than simple disciplinary tactics. For example, running in circles or humming may be habits that the youngster is using to self-soothe, even though these behaviors might drive moms and dads crazy. Odd self-soothing behaviors are common in kids on the autism spectrum with sensory processing (integration) issues, and they can be easily replaced with more appropriate ones (such as swinging on a swing or chewing on a healthy snack).

16. Review your discipline plan regularly. Consider your consistency regarding implementation of the plan. Evaluate your youngster's behavior and determine if the plan needs revisions based on her age, development or behavioral changes.

17. Social skills and the ability to communicate are often lost when a child has to deal with the HFA/AS condition. These children may have trouble observing the way others behave. In addition, a child with the disorder will have trouble reading and reacting correctly to another person's emotions, which could lead to a lack of relationship success. Despite this, the child can be taught social skills and effective communication techniques. These children can learn how to read nonverbal communication techniques and properly socialize if his learning occurs in an explicit and rote manner through social skills training.

18. Stickers, tokens and other incentives are effective ways of motivating your child. Also, whenever a problem behavior is identified, early interventions and tactics should be applied. These include replacing unacceptable self-soothing behaviors, relaxation techniques, floor time play therapy, music therapy, and auditory therapies, which help a youngster focus and listen better.

19. Whenever a bad behavior occurs, natural consequences will result. Sometimes, moms and dads must apply these consequences when kids are young. For example, if a youngster isn't sharing with another, that other youngster should be asked to leave. This will simulate the most likely scenario that will occur in a playground.

20. Your son likely has triggers that can cause him to become distraught or upset. Watch carefully for these triggers and distract your youngster when you sense a loss of temper or an outburst. For example, if your youngster thrives on a schedule and you need to change it for some reason, let your youngster know carefully and watch for signs of a meltdown during the change. You can then bring along a favorite item to distract your youngster from becoming upset.

21. Make sure your son “understands” what he is doing wrong! For example, do you talk back to him? Why, then, is it inappropriate for him to talk back to you? Maybe he has an issue with the other person's mind. This lack of “other awareness” or “Theory of Mind” is common in AS and HFA. Maybe he said something that was insulting, but didn't realize it. At that point, try and explain why it is that he said something wrong. Make sure you have explained to him what it is that he did, and why you are angry. It's not always easy, but sometimes reasoning it out in a logical way will help you vocalize what's wrong and will help him realize what “the rule” is and what he has to do to follow it.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums at Home and School

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Parents' Comments:

*   Anonymous said... My opinion is to talk with the school and people who understand his functioning level and have them support you with ideas to help the home life. Spanking is not going to work on any child, I get the old school, I was born in the 70's but in today's day there is just no research that shows spanking helps at all especially l for a child that is different and not understanding. Honestly the spanking help the adult feel superior and there are other ways to gain his respect. So what I would do is figure out what he understands and there has to be something, computer, videos, activity that he loves. Make a chart for the wall that he can visible see. Once he get's through the day following the rules, let him have his preferred time with a reward, keep that up daily, if he does not, then he gets no reward. Continue doing this and spread out the time to a good week, a good month, etc....allow for mistakes and be forgiving. I hoep some of this helps, but without knowing your child, its hard for me to say. Please speake with school teachers, therapists etc....
•    Anonymous said… Every child will be different, esp aspie kids. Know what your child's currency is(interests, what they love to do) and use that to create a balance. They need extra steps taken and consistency is the key. If they 'get it' after the 20th try, don't be discouraged when they forget it on the 25th try. Set clear boundaries for them and reward for good behavior hold the reward for bad behavior. I have my daughter repeat back to me what was wrong and what we should have done. Don't give up. You are your child's best advocate. It's hard, very hard. But your child is worth it. Once you pick your battle too, don't give in. Change strategies if you need to, but don't give in. I recently learned how much my daughter was 'getting it'. More than I expected. She has problems with 'expressive' language . Just don't give up
They are amazing kids!!.
•    Anonymous said… Huge problem! Even when I slightly raise my voice is like I'm screaming at her. She has trouble self calming and haven't been able to send her to her room for many years as she would either hurt herself, break something or just become an emotional wreck. She's now 12 and started high school and it seems to be getting worse. However she is getting better at coming back and apologising
•    Anonymous said… My son is 10yr, we have been dealing with it almost 2 yrs.? I have found no answers to your question. It is a daily battle.
•    Anonymous said… Our son is HFA too. We tell him what is expected, what the reward is and what the consequence is/are. We always follow through. My husband and I are on the same page so he knows there is no "weaker" parent. Our son works towards earning his Friday McDonalds, watching Clone Wars and Legos, which are his favorite things. We use these as "carrots" for preferred behavior. We tell him what he has to do to earn them by listing them out in simple terms. We tell him that if he does a, b, or c (bad behavior) that he will not get the above. For example, if he gets a warning at school then no tv that day (as an immediate consequence) and he also loses out at the end of the week rewards. Our son has great difficulty reading facial expressions so we have to be direct and to the point. He sometimes says he forgives us after he gets into trouble and disciplined. We let him know that he was the one in the wrong and why, again and again if needed. Don't give up, they do get it.
•    Anonymous said… social stories....teaching outside of the situation is almost a "have to" I have found. Spanking and raising a voice has other adverse effects way more than a typical child and that connection is definitely not there between misbehavior and consequence because what they did "wrong" wasn't wrong in their sight. I HAVE found with our kiddo, and everyone is different, is that he CAN learn what mom/dad thinks is right or wrong by repetition. He still might not "get it" deep down but he is still learning what is socially acceptable through my repeated reactions/expectations.
•    Anonymous said… Yet another gem! Keep them coming!! It is nice to find info. on lots of issues on THE ONE PAGE!! Thank you for your concise and valuable information!
*   Anonymous said... My son is 10 and his meltdowns are quite serious, I am a single mother and trying my hardest to deal with this aspect of his behavior.His teacher who thinks that my child is just being lazy says he is capable of more and will push him until he loses it then he will just shut down completely, sadly he doesn't seem to have one positive thing to say about my son who really does try his best but "struggles" with understanding the work.

Please post your comment below... 

How To Lessen Power Struggles: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“I have a 12 year old boy with high functioning autism …we just got the news 2 weeks ago after many years of …'oh it’s this', 'oh maybe this' …so now we're at autism. We are at our breaking point with him. So here goes... 

He is very defiant and out of control …he cusses a lot and does inappropriate things …like tonight he peed in a soda can and said his brother did it. When I cleaned his bathroom, he had written ‘f*** you’ on the wall. He has no respect for anything or anyone. He follows NO rules and we can’t get him to do anything. I don’t know what to do or where to go to get help! Where do we even start?”

Defiance is a strange animal for sure. What if I told you that your son isn’t trying to be a pain in the ass, but rather using some of these disturbing behaviors as a coping mechanism?

1- Your first step is to investigate and try to discover your son’s underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities. His oppositional behavior starts with feeling insecure. High-functioning autism comes with a host of symptoms, and often times a child’s only response in dealing with the associated challenges is to act-out. Why? It’s very likely that he feels he has little control over his circumstances in life. Defiance is a way for him to have at least some control over his environment.

2- The second step would be for you to regain your son’s trust and confidence, and somehow slip under his defiance so that you can offer him what he needs. His “misbehavior” is the result of an unmet need (usually the need to have some control). Investigate and try to figure out what he REALLY needs. No child finds joy in upsetting everyone in the house. He knows his behavior is causing conflict (and to be at odds with parents - day in and day out - is also a self-esteem breaker).

 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

If you have had ongoing power struggles with him, he may be at a place where he does not trust you completely. He may not be sure whether your attempts to soothe will be comforting or upsetting. He may be used to getting yelled at. As a result, he can trust only himself. Convince your son that you have his best interest at heart and that you want to provide him with what he needs. This isn’t about punishment, it’s about meeting his needs. And yes, sometimes a parental correction for misbehavior or a consequence for a poor choice meets one of his needs.

3- Put yourself in your child’s shoes. The oppositional child, with his ongoing need to be the boss and his chronic power struggles with you, does indeed contribute to problems in the parent-child relationship. However, it’s crucial to understand that children on the autism spectrum are very prone to being overwhelmed and overloaded due to sensory sensitivities, executive function challenges, social skills deficits, and mind-blindness (just to name a few).

4- Your son likely uses bossiness and defiance as a coping strategy to feel secure. To protect himself, he shuts out part of the world, including you at times. Having said this, your next step would be to reframe your child’s defiance. In other words, instead of a viewing it as willful misconduct, begin to view it as a coping strategy to have some control in his life.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

5- Lastly, you will need to set some firm limits. Being sympathetic doesn’t mean always giving your son what he wants or allowing him to be hurtful or rude to others. Gentle limits coupled with empathy and flexibility will gradually help your son be less critical of you and himself.




In a nutshell, one of his major needs is most likely the need to control. You want him to do one thing – he may want to do the exact opposite. Thus, your main mission should be to find ways that he can feel he has some control in his life without acting-out.

For starters, put him in charge of doing some things that would be age-appropriate (e.g., planning a meal, doing a particular chore, suggesting a different route to the Mall, what TV show the family will watch, what place the family will visit on the next family outing, etc.).

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

How to Prevent Discipline-Related Meltdowns: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Spectrum

“Are there some ways to prevent some of the discipline-related problems encountered with children who have high functioning autism, specifically meltdowns associated with receiving a consequence for misbehavior? I say ‘prevent’ because it seems that once my son knows he is going to be punished, it quickly escalates into meltdown, which by then is much too late to intervene. Is there a way for us to ‘predict’ and thus prevent a potential meltdown?”

Most parents of kids with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's wait until a problem occurs, and then try to deal with it by issuing a consequence. Consequences can be positive (gaining something desirable) or negative (losing something desirable).

Sometimes, consequences are discussed prior to an event, but usually in terms of a motivator: "If you do this, you will gain (or lose) that." Too often, parents use consequences in the middle of a behavior problem (e.g., "If you don't stop that, you’re not going to play your computer game tonight!”). 

 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with HFA and Asperger's

Statements such as this are made when the behavior is out-of-control. The parent may have given many warnings up to that point - and is now acting out of frustration. But, warnings issued in the heat of the moment rarely lead to positive change in the short or long term.

With children on the autism spectrum, it’s far better to anticipate the occurrence of a behavior - and then plan for it. How? Well, many behavior problems are repetitious, especially in the same situation. Even when they don't occur EVERY time, they may still be frequent enough to make the parent’s “red alert list” (i.e., a list of events that result in problem behaviors that tend to occur frequently).

For example, one mother made note that nearly every time her son was instructed to bathe, he insisted on finishing his video game first (in order to stall). The mounting meltdown had little to do with the video game, rather it was related to avoiding an unwanted task.

A good rule of thumb is if a behavior repeats itself at least 50% of the time, moms and dads need to prepare for it. So, if homework, dinnertime or bedtime have been frequent problems in the past, chances are very good they will continue to be so in the future.

With a “red alert list,” parents can predict the future to a point. They gain the opportunity to forecast what is going to happen in an upcoming situation because of its constant re-occurrence. When parents have a good idea about what is going to happen, they can prepare their youngster for the event prior to its occurrence by discussing what usually occurs and what needs to occur. 

 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with HFA and Asperger's

For example, let’s say that “going shopping” is often a problem-time. In this case, the parent can talk with her youngster (prior to the event) about what normally happens, how he acts, how she is going to respond, and how he is going change his behavior based on her response. Then the parent can follow that up with a discussion to see if she can get a firm commitment from her youngster that he is going to follow through with these new behaviors. 

If the child responds in a positive way, the parent has an increased likelihood that things will go better when they go shopping – especially if this preparation step is practiced over and over again through the course of several weeks or months.

If parents happen to miss the opportunity to prevent a problem, there is often a small "window of opportunity" in which they can still salvage the situation. In the example above, suppose the parent forgot to say something prior to going shopping. As the child’s behavior begins to deteriorate, the parent has a very brief period of time (only a minute or two) before she will be in a tricky situation. The parent should seize this opportunity, because it may be the last best one in that specific time and place.

In summary, create a list of events that - at least half the time - result in your child acting-out. Prior to each event, discuss (a) what normally happens, and (b) what you expect the new outcome to be. Then try to get your child's approval on the new outcome. Lastly, practice this sequence until it becomes a habit.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

Why "Traditional Discipline" Doesn't Work for Many Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“Why is there a general consensus that children on the autism spectrum (specifically on the high end) should not receive ‘traditional’ discipline that works with most other children? What am I missing here?”

Traditional discipline may fail to produce the desired results for kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s, primarily because they are unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures are apt to exacerbate the type of behavior the punishment is intended to reduce, while at the same time increasing the anxiety-level of the child.

This paradox is due to some of the traits of the disorder, specifically the following:

1. Executive dysfunction: An impairment in the higher-order processes that enable us to plan, sequence, initiate, and sustain our behavior towards some goal, incorporating feedback and making adjustments along the way.
2. Theory of mind deficits: This is an inability to recognize that other people have thoughts, feelings and intentions that are different to one's own, and an inability to intuitively guess what these may be.
3. Weak central coherence: The inability to bring together various details from perception to make a meaningful whole.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these deficits:

1. Executive function can be defined as the way in which people monitor and control their thoughts and actions. It is actually a broad category that includes such processes as working memory, planning, cognitive flexibility, and inhibitory control. “Inhibitory control” is one aspect of executive function, and is the ability to restrain (or inhibit) potentially interfering responses and to self-regulate in certain situations.

2. Theory of mind is the ability that we all have in order to make sense of the world we live in. Every person's thoughts, knowledge, beliefs and desires make up his or her own unique theory of mind. From the age of around 4 years, “typical” kids understand that other people have thoughts, knowledge, beliefs and desires that will influence their behavior. However, children with HFA and Asperger’s appear to have some difficulties conceptualizing and appreciating the thoughts and feelings of others (i.e., lack of empathy).

It is this “mind-blindness” that may impair these special needs kids to be able to relate to - and understand the behaviors of - others. Mind-blindness also means the child has difficulty in distinguishing whether someone's actions are intentional or accidental. By failing to account for other’s perspectives, children on the spectrum tend to misinterpret their messages. Many of the social-skills deficits observed in children with HFA and Asperger’s may have their genesis in the lack of ability to decipher subtle meaning from the environment.

3. Central coherence is the ability to focus on both details as well as wholes. However, children on the autism spectrum appear to have a heightened focus on details rather than wholes (a cognitive style termed “weak central coherence”). This is the reason why some kids with HFA and Asperger’s have hypersensitive sensory perceptions. The inability to hold information in mind in order to use it later in other tasks is what causes the child to lack central coherence. A lack of cognitive central coherence can easily cause the child to miss the importance of the subtle cues that create meaning in a social context.

How parents can help:

Consider maintaining a diary of your youngster's behavior in order to uncover patterns or triggers. Recurring “bad” behavior may be indicative of a youngster taking some satisfaction in receiving a “desired” response from parents, siblings, peers - and even teachers.

For example, a student on the autism spectrum may come to understand that hurting another student in class will result in his being removed from class (aside from the associated consequence to his peer). The solution may not be most effectively rooted in punishing the youngster for the behavior, or even attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of his injured peer, but by treating the root cause behind the motivation for the misbehavior. In this example, can the youngster be made more comfortable in class so that he will not want to leave it?

One of the means to achieve this may be to focus on the positive. Praise for good behavior, and reinforcement by way of something such as a Reward Book, can help. Positive verbal cues delivered in a calm tone are likely to elicit more beneficial responses than harsher verbal warnings (which may be effective on kids without an autism spectrum disorder).

When giving directions to stop a type of misbehavior, they should be couched as positives rather than negatives. For example, rather than telling the youngster to stop hitting his brother with the ruler, he should be directed to put the ruler down, and then receive verbal praise for following the parent’s request (e.g., “Thank you for doing as I asked. That’s you being respectful of others”).

 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

Kids on the Autism Spectrum: Reasons for Their Behavior

“I would like to better understand my son, who is on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. I want to understand how he thinks, how he interprets what is going on, and how his deficits cause problems. Thanks in advance!”

This is a very good question, because a lot of parents of kids on the autism spectrum will rush into action before they have collected enough information and analyzed what is going on. If you do not know the reasons behind the behavior, you may very likely do the wrong thing. If you know what is going on, you can help things go better.

Realizing that your son will not be a good observer of his behavior is your first step. The youngster with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS) often does not know what to do in a situation. He does not know the appropriate behavior because he doesn't understand how the world works. Or, if he knows a better solution, he cannot use it because he becomes "stuck."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Not knowing what to do - or being unable to do what is appropriate - results in anxiety that leads to additional ineffective and inappropriate actions. Autistic-like behavior is usually a result of this anxiety, which leads to difficulty moving on and letting go of an issue and "getting stuck" on something. This is rigidity, and it is the most common reason for behavioral problems. See the sidebar for a list of reasons for rigidity. You must deal with rigidity and replace it with flexibility early on in your plan to help your son. Flexibility is a skill that can be taught, and you will make this a major part of your efforts to help him.

Reasons for Rigidity—

1. A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action.

2. A violation of a rule or ritual – changing something from the way it is supposed to be. Someone is violating a rule and this is unacceptable to the youngster.

3. Anxiety about a current or upcoming event, no matter how trivial it might appear to you.

4. Immediate gratification of a need.

5. Lack of knowledge about how something is done. By not knowing how the world works with regard to specific situations and events, the youngster will act inappropriately instead.

6. Other internal issues, such as sensory, inattention (ADHD), oppositional tendency (ODD), or other psychiatric issues may also be causes of behavior.

7. The need to avoid or escape from a nonpreferred activity, often something difficult or undesirable. Often, if your son cannot be perfect, she does not want to engage in an activity.

8. The need to control a situation.

9. The need to engage in or continue a preferred activity, usually an obsessive action or fantasy.

10. Transitioning from one activity to another. This is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before he is finished with it.

[Note: Attention-getting is very rarely seen. It should not be considered as a reason for rigidity until all of the above reasons have been considered and eliminated.]

Understanding your son involves knowing the characteristics discussed earlier and how they manifest themselves in everyday behaviors. How does he see the world, think about matters, and react to what is going on around him? The following reasons will help you understand "why he acts the way he does."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Not Understanding How the World Works—

The HFA or AS youngster has a neurocognitive disorder that affects many areas of functioning. This includes a difficulty with the basic understanding of the rules of society, especially if they are not obvious. Life has many of these rules. Some are written, some are spoken, and some are learned through observation and intuition. Your son only knows what has been directly taught to him through books, movies, TV shows, the Internet, and explicit instructions. He is not able to sit in a room, observe what is happening, and understand social cues, implied directions, or how to "read between the lines," and as he is growing up, he does not learn how to do this. Instead, he learns facts. He does not "take in" what is happening around him that involves the rest of the world, only what directly impacts him.

Many of the conversations he has had have generally been about knowledge and facts, not about feelings, opinions, and interactions. As a result, he does not really know how the world works and what one is supposed to do in various situations. This can apply to even the smallest situations you might take for granted. Not knowing the unspoken rules of situations causes anxiety and upset. This leads to many of the behavioral issues that appear as the HFA or AS youngster tries to impose his own sense of order on a world he doesn't understand.

The HFA or AS youngster creates his own set of rules for everyday functioning to keep things from changing and thereby minimize his anxiety. Sometimes, he just makes up the rules when it is convenient. Other times, he attempts to make them up by looking for patterns, rules, or the logic of a situation to make it less chaotic for him and more predictable and understandable. If there are no rules for an event or situation, he will create them from his own experiences based on what he has read, seen, or heard. He will often have a great deal of information to use in reaching his conclusions and forming his opinions and feelings. As a result, some of his conclusions are correct and some are wrong.

He will rarely consider someone else's point of view if he does not consider them to be an "expert." The fewer people he sees as experts, the more behavioral difficulty you will see. He might consider teachers and others to be experts, but his parents will rarely be seen as such. Therefore, he will argue with you about your opinions if different from his own. He thinks that his opinion is as good as yours, so he chooses his. This represents his rigid thinking. He finds it difficult to be flexible and consider alternate views, especially if he has already reached a conclusion. New ideas can be difficult to accept ("I'd rather do it the way I've always done it"). Being forced to think differently can cause a lot of anxiety.

You must never overestimate the HFA or AS youngster's understanding of a situation because of his high intellectual ability or his other strengths. Your son is a boy who needs to figure out how the world works. He needs a road map and the set of instructions, one example at a time.

Frames of Reference—

In trying to understand how the world works, your son tries to make sense of your explanations, but sometimes is not able to do this. As a result, your effort at intervening falls short. This can occur because your explanation has no meaning. Each HFA or AS youngster can only understand things for which they have a frame of reference, meaning they have a picture or idea about this from other sources or from prior discussions. They cannot understand what you will tell them without this frame of reference. For example, when I asked a teenage boy if he missed his parents when he was at overnight camp for a week, he replied that it was not all that long. When I asked him again if he missed them, he said he could e-mail them whenever he wanted. After my third attempt to get an answer he finally said to me, "I can't answer that question. Since I have never missed anyone before, I have nothing against which I can compare my feelings to know what missing feels like." In the next few chapters we will explain how to give your son or adolescent a new frame of reference.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


Preferred and Nonpreferred Activities—

For all children on the autism spectrum, life tends to be divided into two categories – preferred and nonpreferred activities. Preferred activities are those things he engages in frequently and with great intensity. He seeks them out without any external motivation. However, not all of his preferred activities are equal. Some are much more highly desired and prized. An activity that is lower on the list can never be used as a motivator for one that is higher. For example, you cannot get him to substitute his video game playing by offering a food reward if the game playing is higher on his list.

Any activity that is not preferred can be considered nonpreferred. They are less desirable and many are avoided. The lower they are on the list of desirability, the more he will resist or avoid doing them. Sometimes an activity or task becomes nonpreferred because it is made to compete with one that is much more highly valued. For example, taking a bath could be enjoyable, but if the child is reading, and reading is higher on his list, he will resist or throw a tantrum.

Preferred and nonpreferred activities are always problem areas. Your son will always want to engage in preferred activities even when you have something more important for him to do. He does not want to end preferred activities and your attempts to have him end them can produce upset of one kind or another. On the other hand, trying to get him to do nonpreferred activities, such as interacting socially, can also be difficult. If many nonpreferred elements are combined together, the problem can become a nightmare, such as with homework.

The HFA or AS youngster rarely has activities he just likes. He tends to either love or hate an activity. The middle ground is usually missing. Teaching a middle ground or shades of gray can be a goal and will be discussed later. Also, as you try to teach him something new, you will encounter resistance because you are asking him to do something that's not a preferred activity. But, as he outgrows younger interests, he will need to learn new ones in order to have some common interests with his peers. He needs to experience new things to see if he likes them, but may not want to do this just because you're asking him to do something new. He already has his list of preferred interests and will rarely see the need for anything new. Quite often, his preferred list will include computer or video games. However, the more he is on the computer or the more he plays video games, the less available he is to be in the real world and learn something new. Most likely, you will have to control his access to preferred activities if new ones are to be introduced.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors and Anxiety—

Obsessive-compulsive issues, also referred to as rituals, rigidity, perseverations, rules, or black-and-white thinking, originate in the HFA or AS child's difficulty understanding the world around him or her. This creates anxiety, the underlying cause for his/her obsessive-compulsive behaviors. You will see anxiety in many different ways, depending on how your son manifests it. Some kids will show it in obvious ways, such as crying, hiding under furniture, or clinging to you. Others show it by trying to control the situation and bossing people around. Some may hit or throw a tantrum. Some may act silly. No matter how your son displays his anxiety, you need to recognize that it is there and not assume it is due to some other cause such as attention seeking or just plain misbehavior.

Anxiety can occur for the smallest reason. Don't judge anxiety-producing situations by your own reaction to an event. Your son will be much more sensitive to situations than you will be, and often there will be no logical reason for his anxiety. Something that you would be anxious about causes no anxiety in your son, while a small event causes him to be quite anxious. When events change, he never knows what is going to come next and he becomes confused and upset, leading to some form of inappropriate behavior.

Your son's first reaction is to try to reduce or eliminate his anxiety. He must do something, and one of the most effective means is to take all changes, uncertainty, and variability out of the equation. This can be accomplished by obsessions. If everything is done a certain way, if there is a definite and unbreakable rule for every event, and if everyone does as he wishes, everything will be fine. Anxiety is then diminished or reduced, and no upset, tantrums, or meltdowns occur.

Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to do this in the real world. Nevertheless, anxiety needs to be dealt with in some manner. This is the first order of business in planning for many interventions. If you move ahead before this has been settled, it will continue to be a significant interfering factor. Let's look at some examples of this.

Allen, age seventeen, won't leave the house because he wants to have his nails in a certain condition. This condition requires many hours of grooming that interfere with sleeping, eating, and doing just about anything else. This is obsessive-compulsive behavior. Any attempt to get him to leave the house or stop his nail maintenance causes anxiety and is rarely successful.

Anytime Craig, age eleven, hears an answer that he does not like, he becomes upset. If he asks a question or makes a request and the other person's response is not what he expected, he starts to argue with them, often acting out physically. He must have certain answers that are to his liking. This is rigidity in thought and it is also obsessive-compulsive.

Each of these cases has a cognitive and a behavioral component, and both must be considered. Each youngster must learn to get "unstuck" or let go of an issue and move on. They also need to learn how to change their thinking so that it doesn't become a problem to begin with.

Behavioral Manifestations of Anxiety—

• Becoming easily overwhelmed and having difficulty calming down.
• Creating their own set of rules for doing something.
• Demanding unrealistic perfection in their handwriting, or wanting to avoid doing any writing.
• Demonstrating unusual fears, anxiety, tantrums, and showing resistance to directions from others.
• Displaying a good deal of silly behaviors because they are anxious or do not know what to do in a situation.
• Eating a narrow range of foods.
• Having a narrow range of interests, and becoming fixated on certain topics and/or routines.
• Having trouble playing and socializing well with peers or avoiding socializing altogether. They prefer to be alone because others do not do things exactly as they do.
• Insisting on having things and/or events occur in a certain way.
• Intensely disliking loud noises and crowds.
• Lecturing others or engaging in a monologue rather than having a reciprocal conversation.
• Preferring to do the same things over and over.
• Reacting poorly to new events, transitions, or changes.
• Remaining in a fantasy world a good deal of the time and appearing unaware of events around them.
• Tending to conserve energy and put forth the least effort they can, except with highly preferred activities.
• Wanting things to go their way, when they want them to, no matter what anyone else may want. They may argue, throw a tantrum, ignore you, growl, refuse to yield, etc.

Black-and-White Thinking and Mindblindness--

The obsessive-compulsive approach to life results in the narrow range of interests and insistence on set routines typical of an HFA or AS youngster. However, it usually starts as a cognitive (thinking) issue before it becomes a behavioral one. Cognitive issues, such as the inability to take someone else's perspective (mindblindness) and the lack of cognitive flexibility (black-and-white thinking), cause many of the behaviors we see. We know there is a cognitive element by looking at the youngster's behaviors. There is always some distress, anxiety, or obsession manifested in every inappropriate behavior.

As mentioned, your son's cognitive difficulties lead to inaccurate interpretations and understanding of the world. How someone interprets a situation determines how he will respond to it. Many times, the interpretation of an event is either not an accurate one or not one that leads to positive or prosocial actions. If the event can be reinterpreted for him, it might lead to a more productive outcome. In doing this, we must first try to understand how the child interprets a situation. All of the child's behaviors are filtered through his perception of the way the world works.

Remember, details are extremely important in trying to understand what is happening and what to do about it. Do not try to intervene until you understand, at least to a small degree, what is happening with your son. Changing thinking becomes a paramount issue, but one that is often neglected. However, successful changes in thinking will dramatically increase the success rate of any strategy you use.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Questions to Ask about the Child’s Behavior—

To help you determine the reasons why your son acts the way he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:

1. Because a situation was one way the first time, does he feel it has to be that way always? (Being rule bound.)

2. Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem? (He does not understand the way the world works.)

3. Does he see only two choices to a situation rather than many options? (Black-and-white thinking.)

4. Has he made a rule that can't be followed? (He sees only one way to solve a problem. He cannot see alternatives.)

5. Is he blaming you for something that is beyond your control? (He feels that you must solve the problem for him/her even when it involves issues you have no control over.)

6. Is he exaggerating the importance of an event? There are no small events …everything that goes wrong is a catastrophe. (Black-and-white thinking.)

7. Is he expecting perfection in him/herself? (Black-and-white thinking.)

8. Is he misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true? (Misinterpretation.)

9. Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go? (He does not know how to let go and move on when there is a problem.)

==> More crucial information regarding your child's behavioral issues and the associated parenting strategies can be found here...


Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

Crucial "Tip-Sheet" for Teachers of High-Functioning Autistic Students

“Would there happen to be a sort of ‘tip-sheet’ that I could send my son’s teacher, something concise but informative? He has high-functioning autism, and I get the impression that the teacher views him as just another ‘typical’ student, which I can tell you he’s not! He does perform well in many areas, but in others, he is struggling, and it’s in those areas that he gets accused of have behavior problems, but I think in most cases it’s part of his autistic characteristics.”

Feel free to share the following general points with your son’s teacher, which include classroom strategies specifically for students on the autism spectrum:

1.  Children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s dislike change, especially when it’s unexpected. Prepare the child for all changes in routine (e.g., assembly, substitute teacher, rescheduling, etc.). Ideally, use a visual schedule to prepare him for change.

2.  Students on the autism spectrum have trouble with organizational skills regardless of their intelligence and age. Even a "straight A" child with HFA who has a photographic memory can constantly forget to bring a pencil to class or to remember a deadline for an assignment. In such cases, assistance should be provided in the least restrictive way possible. Strategies may include having the student put a picture of a pencil on the cover of his notebook or maintaining a list of assignments to be completed at home.

3.  Kids on the spectrum seem to have either the neatest or the messiest desks or lockers in the school. The one with the messiest desk will need your help in frequent cleanups of the desk or locker so that he can find things. Please remember that he is probably not making a conscious choice to be messy. He is most likely incapable of this organizational task without specific training.

4.  These “special needs” young people have problems with abstract and conceptual thinking. Some may eventually acquire abstract skills, but others never will. When abstract concepts must be used, use visual cues (e.g., drawings or written words) to augment the abstract idea. Avoid asking vague questions (e.g., "Why did you do that?"). Also, avoid asking essay-type questions. Be as concrete as possible in all your interactions with the HFA child.

==> Guide to Teaching Students with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

5.  If your high-functioning student uses repetitive verbal arguments or questions, you should interrupt what can become a continuing, repetitive litany. Continually responding in a logical manner or arguing back seldom stops this behavior. The subject of the argument or question is not always the subject that has upset him. More often, the child is communicating a feeling of loss of control or uncertainty about someone or something in the environment.

Try requesting that he write down the question or argumentative statement. Then write down your reply. This usually begins to calm him down and stops the repetitive activity. If that doesn't work, write down his repetitive question or argument and ask him to write down a logical reply (perhaps one he thinks you would make). This distracts from the escalating verbal aspect of the situation and may give him a more socially acceptable way of expressing frustration or anxiety. Another alternative is role-playing the repetitive argument or question with you taking his part and having him answer you as he thinks you might.

6.  If your class involves pairing-off or choosing partners, either draw numbers or use some other arbitrary means of pairing. As an alternative, you could ask an especially kind student if he or she would agree to choose the HFA child as a partner before the pairing takes place. The child on the spectrum is most often the one left with no partner.

7.  If the child does not seem to be learning a task, break it down into smaller steps or present the task in several ways (e.g., visually, verbally, and physically).

8.  Do not take misbehavior personally. The HFA student is not usually a manipulative, scheming child who is trying to make life difficult for teachers. Most often, misbehavior is the result of efforts to survive experiences that may be confusing, disorienting or scary. Kids on the spectrum are, by virtue of their disability, egocentric. Also, most of them have extreme difficulty reading the reactions of others.

9.   Be aware that normal levels of auditory and visual input can be perceived by the HFA student as too much or too little (e.g., the hum of florescent lighting may be extremely distracting). Consider environmental changes (e.g., removing visual clutter from the room, seating changes if the child seems distracted, etc.).

10.  Avoid verbal overload. Be clear. Use shorter sentences if you perceive that the child does not fully understanding you. Although he probably has no hearing problem and may be paying attention, he may have difficulty understanding your main point and identifying important information.

 

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
 

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

11.  Uneven skills-development is a hallmark of HFA. Assume nothing when assessing skills (e.g., the student may be a math whiz in Algebra, but not able to make simple change at a cash register; he may have an incredible memory about books he has read, speeches he has heard, or sports statistics, but still may not be able to remember to bring a pencil to class).

12.  An increase in unusual or difficult behaviors probably indicates an increase in anxiety for the HFA student. Sometimes anxiety is caused by feeling a loss of control. Many times, the stress will only be alleviated when the child physically removes himself from the stressful event or situation. If this occurs, a program can be set up to assist the student in re-entering and/or staying in the stressful situation. When this occurs, a "safe-place" or "safe-person" may come in handy.

13.  Use and interpret speech literally. Until you know the capabilities of the HFA child, try to avoid the following:

• sarcasm (e.g., saying, "Great!" after he has just spilled a bottle of ketchup on the table)
• nicknames
• idioms (e.g., ‘save your breath’, ‘jump the gun’, ‘second thoughts’)
• double meanings (most jokes have double meanings)
• "cute" names (e.g., Pal, Buddy, Wise Guy)

14.  Since children on the autism spectrum experience various communication difficulties, it’s best not to rely on them to relay important messages to their parents about school events, assignments, school rules, etc. (unless you try it on an experimental basis with follow-up or you are already certain that the HFA student has mastered this skill).

Even sending home a note for his mom or dad may not work. The child may not remember to deliver the note, or may lose it before reaching home. Phone calls to the parent work best until the skill can be developed. Frequent and accurate communication between the teacher and parent is very important.

==> Guide to Teaching Students with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Behavioral and Emotional Problems in Students on the Autism Spectrum that Teachers Need To Be Aware Of

“Is it common for a child with autism (high functioning) to have more behavior problems at school than at home? My 13 y.o. son has been getting a lot of time in detention. Can I excuse him from it and not reschedule? A teacher gave him detention for what I consider to be an unfair reason, and she refuses to hear his side. He goes to a public middle school.”

RE: “Can I excuse him from it and not reschedule?”

You don’t have the authority to exempt your son from the school's disciplinary actions. If there is a problem with a particular disciplinary process (e.g., detention scheduled to be served at a time that creates a hardship for you), you can contact the school's administrative staff to ask for consideration of an alternative date and time for the detention.

RE: “Is it common for a child with autism (high functioning) to have more behavior problems at school than at home?”

Yes, many children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s do act-out in the classroom, largely due to (a) over-stimulation of the senses (e.g., florescent lights, smells from the cafeteria, noisy and crowded hallways, etc.) as well as (b) social skills deficits (e.g., when the youngster fails to take his turn in a playground game because he doesn't understand the social rules of an activity).

Furthermore, these challenges frequently involve feelings of anxiety, loss of control, and an inability to predict outcomes. Rather than simply trying to be defiant or disruptive, students on the autism spectrum typically have behavior problems connected to their inability to function in a world they see as unpredictable and threatening. In other words, when they have behavioral difficulties, their problems are most often associated with their social ineptness, an obsessive interest in a particular subject, a defensive panic reaction, etc.

Many of the traits of the disorder can look like purposeful misbehavior in the eyes of teachers. For example:

• attention problems may be viewed as simply “not paying attention”
• become overwhelmed with too much verbal direction may be viewed as “unwarranted expression of frustration”
• difficulty maintaining friendships can be viewed as “antisocial behavior”
• difficulty transitioning from one activity to another may be perceived as “oppositional behavior”
• difficulty waiting for their turn (e.g., standing in line) may be looked at as “impulsivity”
• difficulty with fine motor activities (e.g., coloring, printing, using scissors, gluing) may be viewed a pure “laziness”
• difficulty with reading comprehension (e.g., can quote an answer, but unable to predict, summarize or find symbolism) may come across as simply “ignoring the teacher’s instructions”
• meltdowns are often viewed as “tantrums”

Moms and dads usually have significantly greater concern about the behavior and social skills of their “special needs” youngster than his or her teachers do. Parents often perceive their child to have substantial deficits in a variety of socially-related areas (e.g., conduct problems, aggression, hyperactivity, etc.) as well as internalizing problems (e.g., withdrawal).

Teachers, on the other hand, often perceive the HFA or Asperger’s student to have both fewer and less significant deficits than do parents – and may mistakenly discipline the child for “poor conduct” rather than recognizing the extra challenges the “special needs” student must contend with. Thus, it’s important for parents to educate their child’s teachers on his or her specific challenges that result in behavioral and/or emotional struggles.

But, each case is significantly different! Sometimes "misbehavior" is exactly that - misbehavior - and not necessarily a trait of the disorder. This is were it gets tricky. A particular behavioral problem (e.g., yelling at the teacher) in one student on the spectrum may be motivated by sensory issues, whereas that same behavior in another student on the spectrum may be simple rebelliousness. Which if which? Only the teacher who is well-educated on the symptoms of the disorder, as they relate specifically to the child in question, will know.

Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

Personality Types in ASD Level 1: Fixated, Disruptive, Approach and Avoidant

Fixated Personality--

The fixated personality type can be characterized by a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and the need to control one’s environment (e.g., to have things in a particular order).

Some of the symptoms of the fixated personality type may include:

• compulsion to make lists and/or schedules
• feelings of excessive doubt and caution
• obsessive need for cleanliness
• perfectionism (that may sometimes interfere with task-completion)
• preoccupation with order and organization
• preoccupation with remembering and paying attention to minute details and facts
• rigid following of rules and regulations
• rigidity or inflexibility of beliefs
• stubbornness
• unreasonable insistence that others submit to his way of doing things

Some of the specific behavioral manifestations of the fixated personality type among ASD children and teenagers may include:

• repeatedly checking homework
• cleaning rituals
• counting rituals
• grooming rituals (e.g., hand washing, showering, teeth brushing)
• hoarding and collecting things
• ordering or arranging objects
• repeating rituals (e.g., going in and out of doorways, needing to move through spaces in a special way, rereading, erasing, rewriting)
• rituals to prevent harming self or others
• rituals to undo contact with a "contaminated" person or object
• touching rituals

Parents can look for the following possible signs of the fixated personality type:

• continual expressions of fear that something terrible will happen
• dramatic increase in laundry
• persistent expressions of fear of illness
• sudden drop in test grades
• exceptionally long amount of time spent getting ready for bed
• high, unexplained utility bills
• holes erased through test papers and homework
• raw, chapped hands from constant washing
• reluctance to leave the house
• requests for family members to repeat strange phrases or keep answering the same question
• unproductive hours spent doing homework
• unusually high rate of soap or paper towel usage

Environmental and stress factors can trigger fixated personality traits. These can include ordinary developmental transitions (e.g., starting school) as well as significant losses or changes (e.g., death of a loved one, moving to a different home or city).

 

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

It can be helpful to keep family routines as normal as possible, and for all family members to learn strategies to help the ASD youngster. It is also important to not let the “fixations” be the boss of the house and regular family activities. Giving in to fixations does not make them go away.

“Fixated” Aspies become less fixated at different rates, so try to avoid any day-to-day comparisons and recognize and praise any small improvements. Keep in mind that it's the disorder that is causing the problem, not the child. The more that personal criticism can be avoided, the better.

Treatment for the fixated personality type can involve the following:

1. Behavior therapy: Discussing with a psychotherapist ways of changing compulsions into healthier, productive behaviors. An effective form of this therapy has been found to be cognitive analytic therapy.
2. Cognitive behavioral therapy: A systematic approach to changing unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
3. Psychopharmacology: A psychiatrist may be able to prescribe medication to facilitate self-management and also enable more productive participation in other therapies.
4. Psychotherapy: Discussion with a trained counselor or psychotherapist who understands the condition.

 Disruptive Personality--

The disruptive personality is:

1. a type of cognitive-behavioral style in which the "Aspie's" way of thinking, perceiving situations, and relating to others is sometimes destructive
2. often comorbid with ADHD and/or ODD

Autistic children and teens with disruptive personality typically have little regard for right and wrong. They may often violate the rights of others, landing in frequent trouble or conflict. They may lie, behave violently, and have drug and alcohol problems. Also, Aspies with disruptive personality may not be able to fulfill responsibilities to family, school, or work.

Disruptive personality traits may include:

• Aggressive or violent behavior
• Agitation
• Impulsive behavior
• Intimidation of others
• Irresponsible school-related or work-related behavior
• Lack of remorse about harming others
• Persistent lying or deceit
• Poor or abusive relationships
• Recurring difficulties with the parents and teachers
• Repeatedly violating the rights of others
• Using charm or wit to manipulate others

There may be a link between an early lack of “empathy” (i.e., understanding the perspectives and problems of others) and later onset of a disruptive personality style. These personality problems may be inherited, and identifying them early may help improve long-term outcomes.

Complications and problems associated with the disruptive personality include:

• Aggression or violence
• Alcohol or substance abuse
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Reckless behavior
• Relationship difficulties
• School and work problems
• Social isolation
• Strained relationships
• Suicidal behavior

Psychotherapy is the main way to treat a child or teen with a disruptive personality style. Types of psychotherapy may include:

• Psycho-education: This education-based therapy teaches coping strategies and problem-solving skills.
• Psychodynamic psychotherapy: This approach aims to raise awareness of unconscious thoughts and behaviors and — by bringing them to light — change their negative impact.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy: This type of therapy helps to uncover unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy, positive ones.

Psychotherapy may be provided in individual sessions, in group therapy, or in sessions that include family or even friends. The right type of psychotherapy depends on each person's individual situation. 

 

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

If you have a child or teen with a disruptive personality style, it's critical that you also get help for yourself. Mental health professionals can help teach you skills to protect yourself from the aggression, violence and anger common to this personality type. They can also recommend strategies for coping.

Parents can help their child with disruptive personality traits in the following ways:

1. Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
2. Take a time‑out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better. This is good modeling for your child. Support your child if he decides to take a time‑out to prevent overreacting.
3. Pick your battles. Since this particular child has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do. If you give your child a time‑out in his room for misbehavior, don't add time for arguing. Say "your time will start when you go to your room."
4. Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.
5. Maintain interests other than your "disruptive" Aspie so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy. Try to work with and obtain support from the other adults (teachers, coaches, and spouse) in dealing with your child.
6. Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation. Use respite care as needed. 
7. Come up with a specific parenting-plan to address the behavioral problems associated with a disruptive personality.

Approach Personality--

This type usual occurs in the ASD child who also has ADHD, although this is not always the case.

The two primary characteristics of the “approach personality” are (a) excessive talking about one’s special (or obsessive) interest, and (b) significant violations of other’s personal space.

Excessive Talking About Special Interests—

Excessive talking in the Aspie can present a number of problems. No one particularly likes to be referred to as a "motor-mouth," but they can be exactly that. While some people have much to say of value, excessive talkers usually do not. They talk either because they can't help it due to “mind-blindness” (i.e., they are unaware that the listener is both bored and annoyed with the one-sided conversation), or because they simply love to tell others about their favorite hobby/activity out of a huge sense of passion about that particular hobby/activity.

Aspies who talk excessively can sometimes get along well with one another, probably because neither is paying much attention to what the other is saying. For those with normal speaking habits however, excessive talking often borders on being socially unacceptable. We are brought up to be attentive to what others are saying, to speak mainly when spoken to, while at the same time hoping that when we do talk, we sound intelligent and say the right things in as few words as possible.

 

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Excessive talking in the Aspie often translates into an inability to understand or follow instructions. The very act of learning can be seriously impeded, and the chattering Aspie may be unable to concentrate on those things where concentration is vital to success.

Those Aspies who persist in excessive talking about their obsessive interest are more apt to be victims of another type of disorder, the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Not all of those with OCPD are excessive talkers – it is just one of the symptoms. You can usually spot those with OCPD, because they tend to be preoccupied with perfectionism and orderliness, pay excessive attention to detail, and are most comfortable in an environment where there are rules to follow, schedules to meet, and an organizational structure in which they know their place.

The drive for perfectionism often results in such individuals being unable to complete certain assigned tasks, or being unable to follow rules which don't conform to their own strict standards. Some OCPD Aspies are extremely introverted (living in their own carefully regulated and orderly world) while others can be quite extroverted (these are the attention seekers, the ones who violate your personal space, and who often over-dramatize any and every situation). It is from among this group that excessive talking is apt to be one of the more noticeable symptoms.

Tips for the excessive (obsessive) talker:

1. Appreciate what others have to say. Listening to other person’s viewpoint allows you to permit him or her to express an opinion.

2. Be a good listener. People like to be listened to.

3. Be more conscious of your behavior patterns. Acknowledge that you speak too much and behave accordingly.

4. Do not talk for the sake of talking. Restraint is good.

5. One can take up courses in being a good conversationalist.

6. Seek professional help if excessive talking is a compulsive behavior. Often people speak due to some psychological disorder or problem. A person with a nervous disposition will speak more.

7. One need not express everything on one’s mind. Certain things you must keep to yourself.

8. One should always have something important to contribute. Whatever you say should have an impact on others. They should want to listen to you. Conversation should be interesting.

9. One should avoid being pushy or aggressive while conversing. Try to convey things in fewer words. Be brief in what you say.

10. Think before you speak. It may be difficult if you are nervous. But it is better to be aware of what you are saying. You need not regret later.

11. Try not interrupting another person’s conversation as far as possible.

12. Try to allow the other person to say something. It may be difficult, but one needs to practice self-control. A good conversation is a two-way process. All of those taking part in the conversation have much to contribute. Each person must get a chance to say something.

Violating Personal Space—

Interpersonal space refers to the psychological "bubble" that exists psychologically when one person stands too close to another. There are four different zones of interpersonal space:

1. Intimate distance: ranges from touching to about 18 inches (46 cm) apart, reserve for lovers, children, close family members and friends, and pets.

2. Personal distance: begins about an arm's length away starting around 18 inches (46 cm) from the person and ending about 4 feet (122 cm) away. This space is used in conversations with friends, to chat with associates, and in group discussions.

3. Social distance: ranges from 4 to 8 feet (1.2 m - 2.4 m) away from the person and is reserved for strangers, newly formed groups, and new acquaintances.

4. Public distance: includes anything more than 8 feet (2.4 m) away, and is used for speeches, lectures, and theater. Public distance is essentially that range reserved for larger audiences.

Aspies with approach personality traits tend to be mostly in the “intimate distant” mode (i.e., they will stand within arm’s reach – even with strangers). It goes without saying that most people are taken aback by such behavior.

The absence of strong emotional responses to personal space violation is, again, the result of the Aspie’s “mind-blindness” (i.e., an inability to develop an awareness of what is in the mind of the other person). If you, as a neurotypical, did an experiment in which you purposely stood excessively close to a stranger to read his/her reaction, you would readily notice a pained expression on the other person’s face, sending you a very clear non-verbal message that he/she is alarmed. The mind-blind Aspie with approach personality traits does not receive this non-verbal cue – even though the cue was indeed sent.

Tips for the personal space violator:

1. Understand that (a) people have certain expectations about verbal and nonverbal communication behavior from other people, and (b) violations of these expectations cause arousal and distraction in them.

2. Only stand or sit within arm’s reach of close family members and romantic partners.

3. With your friends, stand or sit no closer than arm’s length.

4. With all others, stay at least 4 feet away.

5. Pay attention to the facial expressions of those you stand or sit close to. Are they grimacing, for example? If so, then you may be too close.

6. Pay attention to whether or not the other person moves away, creating addition distance between the two of you. Does he/she seem to be taking steps backwards during the conversation? If so, you may be too close.

7. If you are uncertain, ask the other person “Am I violating your personal space?” Most people will respect that question and answer honestly.

Some of the behaviors exhibited in the “approach personality” have a good side to them when these behaviors can be correctly channeled. There are many activities in which paying greater than normal attention to detail can be a definite plus, and those with a short attention span often find a place in activities demanding creativity and thinking outside the box. As far as excessive talking is concerned, it is best that it be treated with counseling (usually in the form of “social skills training”), although there are occasional openings for stand up comics and radio talk show hosts. As far as personal space violations are concerned, it is best to reserve close proximity for those who enjoy being close to you (e.g., your mother, girlfriend, cat, etc.).

 

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism


Avoidant Personality--

Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. This type of autistic child is often described as being extremely shy, inhibited in new situations, and fearful of disapproval and social rejection. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of an Aspie’s overall character and a central theme in how he relates to others.

Aspies with avoidant personality tend to do some of the following:

• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
• Avoids social situations to a degree that limits activities or disrupts life
• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

The following situations are often stressful for Aspies with avoidant personality:

• Attending parties or other social gatherings

• Being called on in class

• Being teased or criticized

• Being the center of attention

• Being watched while doing something

• Eating or drinking in public

• Going on a date

• Making phone calls

• Making small talk

• Meeting new people

• Performing on stage

• Public speaking

• Speaking up in a meeting

• Taking exams

• Talking with “important” people or authority figures

• Using public bathrooms

Emotional symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations
• Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
• Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous
• Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
• Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation

Physical symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Feeling dizzy or faint

• Racing heart or tightness in chest

• Red face, or blushing

• Shortness of breath

• Sweating or hot flashes

• Trembling or shaking (including shaky voice)

• Upset stomach, nausea (i.e. butterflies)

For kids and teens with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders, particularly major depression, substance abuse, and other anxiety disorders, is extremely important. Because “social anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial. 

 

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

Help for Children with Avoidant Personality—

1. Avoid or limit caffeine. Coffee, tea, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, and chocolate act as stimulants that increase anxiety symptoms.

2. Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

3. Drink only in moderation. You may be tempted to drink before a party or other social situation in order to calm your nerves, but alcohol actually increases your anxiety in the long run.

4. Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.

5. Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.

6. Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.

7. Quit smoking. Nicotine is a powerful stimulant. Smoking leads to higher, not lower, levels of anxiety.

8. Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes are often offered at local adult education centers or community colleges.

9. Volunteer doing something you enjoy, such as walking dogs in a shelter, or stuffing envelopes for a campaign — anything that will give you an activity to focus on while you are also engaging with a small number of like-minded people.

10. Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional intelligence can help.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD

 

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Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.