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How to Discuss Puberty with Your Preteen on the Autism Spectrum

"Our son with high-functioning autism (age 12) has never really had the 'official' discussion about what to expect in puberty. We may have waited too long at this point, but in any case, how can we approach this topic in a way that a person with his challenges can understand (he takes most things very literally by the way - and is a bit immature for his age)?"

The teenage years can be trying for kids and their moms and dads. An autism diagnosis compounds the journey and makes it more complex. Thinking about a future of surging hormones can be very scary for moms and dads. We, as parents, feel a part of ourselves back in that intense and sometimes scary world of our own adolescence. Try not to let your own fears about your youngster’s changing hormones scare him or make him feel that the change he is going through is scary or bad.

A youngster with ASD level 1 or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can learn to cope with the trials and tribulations of puberty and the teenage years. Your son or daughter may have many questions, and it is important for parents to be tuned-in to what the teenager might be asking for. There are plenty of teachable moments in everyday life. For the conscious and aware mother or father, more often than not, kids teach us as much or more than we teach them. There is no shame in educating (or re-educating) ourselves to be equal to the task. 
 

Many changes happen around puberty, and these changes can certainly affect behavior, including in areas where your teen has already made so many strides. As with all teens, your adolescent may regress in some areas even while he continues to move forward in others. Furthermore, these changes can be unexpected and unpredictable.

HFA teens need information that matches their level of understanding. Your child needs to learn about puberty and the physical and emotional changes he may go through so that he can take some responsibility to piece together what will be happening to him.

Don't wait for your youngster to come to you with questions about his or her changing body — that day may never arrive, especially if your youngster doesn't know it is acceptable to talk to you about this sensitive topic. Ideally, as a mother or father, you've already started talking to your youngster about the changes our bodies go through as we grow.

It's important to answer questions about puberty honestly and openly — but don't always wait for your youngster to initiate a discussion. By the time children are 8 years old, they should know what physical and emotional changes are associated with puberty. That may seem young, but consider this: some females are wearing training bras by then and some males' voices begin to change just a few years later.

With females, it's vital that moms and dads talk about menstruation before they actually get their periods. If they are unaware of what's happening, females can be frightened by the sight and location of blood. Most females get their first period when they're 12 or 13 years old, which is about two or two and a half years after they begin puberty. But some get their periods as early as age 9 -- and others get it as late as age 16.
 

On average, males begin going through puberty a little later than females, usually around age 11 or 12. But they may begin to develop sexually or have their first ejaculation without looking older or developing facial hair first.

Just as it helps adults to know what to expect with changes such as moving to a new home or working for a new company, children should know about puberty beforehand.

Many children receive some sex education at school. Often, though, the lessons are segregated, and the females hear primarily about menstruation and training bras while the males hear about erections and changing voices. It's important that females learn about the changes males go through and males learn about those affecting females, so check with teachers about their lesson plans so you know what gaps need to be filled. It's a good idea to review the lessons with your youngster, because children often still have questions about certain topics.

When talking to children about puberty, it's important to offer reassurance that these changes are normal. Puberty brings about so many changes. It's easy for a youngster to feel insecure, and as if he or she is the only one experiencing these changes.

Many times, adolescents will express insecurity about their appearance as they go through puberty, but it can help them to know that everyone goes through the same things and that there's a huge amount of normal variation in their timing. Acne, mood changes, growth spurts, and hormonal changes — it's all part of growing up and everyone goes through it, but not always at the same pace.

Females may begin puberty as early as second or third grade, and it can be upsetting if your daughter is the first one to get a training bra, for example. She may feel alone and awkward or like all eyes are on her in the school locker room.

With males, observable changes include the cracking and then deepening of the voice, and the growth of facial hair. And just as with females, if your son is an early bloomer, he may feel awkward or like he's the subject of stares from his classmates.
 

Children should know the following about puberty:
  • A girl's period may last 3 days to a week, and she can use sanitary napkins (pads) or tampons to absorb the blood.
  • Both females and males have a growth spurt.
  • Both females and males often get acne and start to sweat more.
  • Males grow facial hair and their muscles get bigger.
  • Males' penises and testicles grow larger.
  • Males sometimes have wet dreams (i.e., they ejaculate in their sleep).
  • Males' voices change and become deeper.
  • Females and males get pubic hair and underarm hair, and their leg hair becomes thicker and darker.
  • Females become more rounded, especially in the hips and legs.
  • Females' breasts begin to swell and then grow, sometimes one faster than the other.
  • When a girl begins menstruating, once a month, her uterine lining fills with blood in preparation for a fertilized egg. If the egg isn't fertilized, she will have a period. If it is fertilized, she will become pregnant.

Not surprisingly, children usually have lots of questions as they learn about puberty. For you, it's important to make sure you give your youngster the time and opportunity to ask questions — and answer them as honestly and thoroughly as possible.

Let your youngster know that you're available any time to talk, but it's also important that you make time to talk. As embarrassing or difficult it may be for you to talk about these sensitive topics, your youngster will likely feel even more uncomfortable. As a parent, it's your job to try to discuss puberty — and the feelings associated with those changes — as openly as possible.

It can be made easier if you're confident that you know the subject matter. First, before you answer your youngster's questions, make sure your own questions have been answered. If you're not entirely comfortable having a conversation about puberty, practice what you want to say first or ask your youngster's doctor for advice. Let your youngster know that it may be a little uncomfortable to discuss, but it's an important talk to have.

If there are questions or concerns about pubertal development that you can't answer, a visit to your youngster's doctor may help provide reassurance.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Best Comment:

They should also be educated on the social changes. Aspies are socially and emotionally delayed producing an 9yr in an 11 or 12 yr old's body. My son became very confused when girls stopped playing with him and why boys his age didn't want to play with toys.

This is when girls and boys break into groups and say that boys/girls have 'cooties'. Some girls will have monthly mood swings, so explain to boys what's happening to the girl. (My Aspie nephew watches the calendar and stays out of his mother's way one week a month.)

It's also a time when boy have increased testosterone causing some to act as if they were in a primitive society that requires competition between males for their standing in the 'clan' (increase bullying, rule enforcers or 'tattle tales', female protectiveness, and so on.) If your son already has frequent melt downs, he'll have even more during puberty. 

Teach them early to control their anger and frustration. Explain what the bullies will do and act out situations so that your son will know what to do. If not, some Aspies, as a defense mechanism, will, after repeated bullying, become the bully. An example: my son has had to lean to ignore the bullies instead of hitting them; however, if he sees a girl or disabled kid being bullied, he becomes the protector - by hitting the bully. We are currently trying to teach him to either get a teacher or escort the victim away from the situation.

By

Why Females with Autism [level 1] Are Less Likely to Be Diagnosed

The vast majority of referrals for a diagnostic evaluation for ASD are boys. The ratio of males to females is roughly around 10:1; however, the epidemiological research for autism suggests that the ratio should be 4:1. Why are girls less likely to be identified as having the characteristics indicative of an autism spectrum disorder? 

Below are some possible reasons:

1. Each youngster with ASD develops his/her own techniques and strategies to learn how to acquire specific skills and develop coping mechanisms. One technique is to have practical guidance and moral support from one’s friends. Kids on the spectrum elicit from others either strong maternal or predatory behavior. If the youngster’s natural peer group is females, she is more likely to be supported and included by a greater majority of her friends.

Thus, females on the autism spectrum are often mothered by "normal" or neurotypical (NT) females, who may prompt the ASD youngster when she is unsure what to do or say in social situations - and comfort her when she is distressed. In contrast, “normal” males are notorious for their intolerance of kids who are different and are more prone to be predatory. 
 
This can have an unfortunate effect on the behavior of a boy with the disorder - and many complain of being teased, ignored and bullied by other males. In fact, some males with ASD actually prefer to play with females who are often kinder and more tolerant than their male friends.

2. Females are more likely to be enrolled in speech and drama lessons, and this provides a socially acceptable opportunity for coaching in body language. Many kids with autism have a prodigious memory, and this can include reciting the dialogue for all characters in a play and memorizing the dialogue or script of real life conversations. Knowing the script also means the youngster does not have to worry about what to say. Acting can subsequently become a successful career option (although there can be some confusion when grown-ups with the disorder act another persona in real life as this can be misconstrued as Multiple Personality Disorder rather than a constructive means of coping with an autism spectrum disorder).

3. Females are more motivated to learn - and quicker to understand key concepts - in comparison to males with ASD of equivalent intellectual ability. Thus, they may have a better long-term prognosis in terms of becoming more fluent in their social skills. This may explain why females with the disorder are often less conspicuous than males with the disorder and less likely to be referred for a diagnostic assessment. Moms with an autism spectrum disorder appear to have more maternal and empathic abilities with their own kids than dads with the disorder, who can have great difficulty understanding and relating to their kids.

4. It appears that many females on the spectrum have the same profile of abilities as males, but a subtler or less severe expression of the traits. Moms and dads may be reluctant to seek a diagnostic assessment if the youngster appears to be coping reasonably well, and therapists may be hesitant to commit themselves to a diagnosis unless the signs are conspicuously different to the normal range of behavior and abilities.

5. One must always consider the personality of the youngster with the disorder and how he/she copes with the difficulties he/she experiences in social reasoning, empathy and cognition. Some youngsters are overtly active participants in social situations. Their unusual profile of abilities in social situations is quite obvious. However, some are reluctant to socialize with others, and their personality can be described as passive. They can become quite adept at camouflaging their difficulties and clinical experience suggests that the passive personality is more common in females.

6. Some young people on the spectrum can be quite ingenious in using imitation and modeling to camouflage their difficulties in social situations. One strategy that has been used by many females is to observe individuals who are socially skilled and to copy their mannerisms, voice and persona. This is a form of “social echolalia” or mirroring where the person acquires a superficial social competence by acting the part of another person.

7. We have a stereotype of typical female and male behavior. Females are more able to verbalize their emotions and less likely to use physically violent acts in response to negative emotions (e.g., confusion, frustration and anger). We do not know whether this is a cultural or constitutional trait, but we recognize that kids who are violent are more likely to be referred for a diagnostic assessment to determine whether the behavior is due to a specific developmental disorder and for advice on behavior management.

Thus, males with the disorder are more often referred to a psychologists or psychiatrist because their violence has become a concern for their mom and dad, or teacher. A consequence of this referral bias is that not only are more males referred, therapists and academics can have a false impression of the incidence of violence in this population.

8. When a youngster would like more friends but clearly has little success in this area, one option is to create imaginary friends. This often occurs with young females who visualize friends in their solitary play or use dolls as a substitute for real individuals. Females with ASD can create imaginary friends and elaborate doll play, which superficially resembles the play of other females.

We need more studies to establish the true incidence of autism in females. In the meantime, these girls are likely to continue to be overlooked and not to receive the degree of understanding and resources they need.



 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Teens on the Autism Spectrum Who "Hate Life": Tips for Parents

"My 17 y.o. son with high functioning autism is an emotional mess. He hibernates in his room playing video games, refuses to eat with the family, seems very depressed, doesn't talk to us even when he is out of his bedroom, has no friends that we are aware of. We are worried that he may even be suicidal, as he has mentioned that he 'hates life'. Where do we go from here?"

Teens with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) often struggle through their teenage years. The years from 12 to 17 are often the saddest and most difficult time for these teens. 

Here are just a few of the challenges faced by these young people:

1. A teen with HFA or AS typically does not care about adolescent fads and clothing styles (concerns that obsess everyone else in their peer group). They may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years. Males forget to shave; females don't comb their hair or follow fashion.

2. These adolescents are often more immature than their peers and may be naive when it comes to puberty and sexuality. If they have not been taught about sex, they may pick up information from pornographic material. This can lead to inappropriate behavior and touching that could land them in trouble.

3. The disorder is characterized by poor social skills. These include a lack of eye contact during conversation and body language that conveys a lack of interest. The teen years revolve around social interaction and an adolescent on the autism spectrum may be ostracized and mocked by their class mates because of their lack of social skills.
 

4. Young people with HFA and AS are not privy to street knowledge of sex and dating behaviors that other adolescents pick up naturally. This leaves them naive and clueless about sex. Males can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An adolescent on the autism spectrum may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape.

5. Bullying is a big challenge in the lives of many teens with the disorder. Because of their unusual behavior, they tend to attract bullies and are less likely to report this than their peers. Moms and dads should watch out for physical signs that an adolescent is being bullied. These may include bruising and cuts. In some cases, the teen with HFA or AS may respond with violence and end up in trouble at school.

6. Depression may result from the social issues and bullying that adolescents on the spectrum commonly experience. They may feel worthless and in extreme cases, may consider suicide as an option.

7. Fashion is important to adolescents, and many of these young people have little dress sense. If they do not attempt to conform to their peers' standards, they will often be mocked and left out of social events.

8. In the teen world where everyone feels insecure, adolescents that appear different are voted off the island. Teens on the spectrum often have odd mannerisms. One adolescent talks in a loud un-modulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many teens with HFA and AS are too anxious to initiate social contact.

9. Many of these adolescents are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teen popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an HFA or AS teenager, even though she wants it more than anything else.

10. Many teens with the disorder with their average to above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The "special needs" student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations.

11. Pain, loneliness and despair can lead to problems with drugs, sex and alcohol. In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some teens on the spectrum fall into the wrong high school crowds. Adolescents who abuse substances will use the HFA or AS teen’s naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group.

12. Some teens on the spectrum remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies instead of moving into adolescent concerns like dating. Males with the disorder often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.
 

13. Teens with an autism spectrum disorder, with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials, face similar academic problems as students with ADD. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the teenager how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on an HFA or AS adolescent can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.

14. The teen years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that the adolescent becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. Males often act up by physically attacking a teacher or peer. They may experience "melt down" at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns, as the adolescent now has access to cars, drugs and alcohol.
 
If moms and dads are aware of potential problems, they can help their teenager by providing solutions that will help him to cope. Many of these can be implemented in pre-adolescent years and will prepare the adolescent to manage better during their adolescent years.




Here are some suggestions:

• Adolescent fashion sense can be improved by taking the adolescent into a store for a makeover. Alternatively, look for a group of females at school that would be willing to teach the adolescent how to dress, groom themselves and mix and match clothing and accessories. Although people should not be judged by what they wear, it helps an adolescent to find acceptance if they have the right clothing and labels in their wardrobes.

• Specialized drama classes can help adolescents with HFA and AS to learn appropriate body language and understand how to listen, speak and act.

• Pets can become a valued companion to these adolescents. Dogs in particular are accepting and loving and are generally relaxed around people with the disorder. While it is important for adolescents to work on human relationships, a pet can be a source of comfort and love.

• Internet friends can be good so long as the situation is monitored by parents. Adolescents on the spectrum are often naive and vulnerable to inappropriate advances. Internet interaction, however, has a number of benefits if it is handled properly. The adolescent is not hampered by their body language and lack of eye contact when chatting online and they can build some strong friendships.

• Alternative friends groups can be of great benefit to these adolescents, and can often be arranged by their school. The basis of this idea is to assemble a group of like-minded adolescents who have a common interest such as computers, astronomy or electronics. These adolescents can function as a club or simply spend time together enjoying their hobby.

If your son shows the following symptoms, it's safe to say he is indeed depressed:
  • Eating or sleeping habits have changed
  • Grades have dropped, or is he finding it difficult to concentrate
  • Has been sad or irritable most of the day, most days in a week for at least two weeks
  • Has had thoughts of suicide
  • Has lost interest in things that he used to really enjoy
  • Has very little energy, very little motivation to do much of anything
  • Is feeling worthless, hopeless about the  future, or guilty about things that aren’t his fault

If this sounds like your son, it’s important you have him evaluated by a mental health professional.

Adolescent years can be trying for parents and teens. This is especially so when adolescents with an autism spectrum disorder are struggling with the extra issues that are part of their condition. While the disorder can't be cured, there are a number of effective ways to improve the life of an adolescent who is suffering at the hands of their peers.

By

The Female Version of High-Functioning Autism

“What are some of the traits of high functioning autism that are unique to girls with the disorder?”

High-Functioning Autism (HFA) affect behavior, personality, and the way the child interacts with others. The symptoms of HFA in females are usually displayed in a more subtle manner, which often results in missed or incorrect professional diagnoses, a lack of access to special education services and provisions in school, and a greater chance of social and emotional problems in adulthood.

Several distinct differences exist in regard to the ways that females with HFA behave as compared to their male counterparts, for example:
  • “non-autistic” females will play with dolls by pretending that they are interacting socially, but HFA females may collect dolls and not use them to engage socially with their peers
  • a girl with HFA is more likely to have interests that are common to “typical” females, whereas an HFA male is more likely to have an unusual interest (e.g., a girl may be obsessed with horses, while a boy may be obsessed with AAA batteries)
  • acceptance from peers can sometimes mask the issues that these girls have so that they are not recognized by educators and parents, and as a result, they are less likely to suggest psychological and social evaluations for them
  • they are highly intelligent, but like their autistic counterparts, possess poor language skills 
  • they are not often aggressive when they get frustrated; instead, they tend to be withdrawn and can easily "fly under the radar" in classrooms and other social environments
  • fascination with certain subjects can lead to them lagging behind their peers in terms of maturity and age-appropriate behavior (e.g., a 13-year-old girl with HFA may be fascinated with stuffed animals or cartoons long after other peers her age have outgrown these things
  • females with HFA may be more likely to internalize their emotions and experience inward or passive signs of aggression, whereas males often express their feelings and frustrations through emotional outbursts (these gender-related behaviors may be part of the reason that fewer females are diagnosed)
  • females with the disorder often display obsessive tendencies in regard to animals, dolls, and other female-oriented interests
  • girls on the autism spectrum are often less talkative than other females their age 
  • they are often protected and nurtured by their “non-autistic” friends who help them cope with difficult social situations
  • girls with the disorder may be mistakenly assumed to have a personality disorder because they mimic typical kids, but use phrases inappropriately
  • they are intrigued with fantasies that include magical kingdoms, princesses, and other fairy tale elements 
  • their behaviors are more passive than those typical of males with HFA
  • girls on the spectrum often attempt to mimic the interests, behavior, and body language of others in an attempt to "fit in" – in fact, they become quite adept at this mimicking, causing them to elude diagnosis and treatment throughout life in many cases
  • they are more able to express their emotions in a calmer way than their male counterparts
  • they tend to be bored with others their age and have difficulty empathizing with peers

As females on the spectrum become adults, they may feel isolated because they react differently to certain "stressful" situations. Their comments can seem insensitive and uncaring, when in reality, they simply may not fully understand the concept of empathy. These young ladies often look for companionship with other adult females who have similar behavior patterns and outlook.

 
More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
By

Parenting Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum: Double Trouble?

Most experts do a great job of presenting the problems children with Asperger’s (AS) and High Functioning Autistic (HFA) face during their adolescent years, yet they offer few solutions. The years from twelve to seventeen may be the saddest and most difficult time for these young people. 

This is not true of every adolescent on the autism spectrum, though. Some do extremely well. Their indifference to what others think makes them indifferent to the intense peer pressure of adolescence. They can flourish within their specialty, and become accomplished musicians, historians, mathematicians, etc.

"Special needs" adolescents typically become more isolated socially during a period when they crave friendships and inclusion more than ever. In the cruel world of middle and high school, AS and HFA teens often face rejection, isolation and bullying. Meanwhile, school becomes more demanding in a period when they have to compete for college placements. Issues of sexuality and a desire for independence from moms and dads create even more problems.




Common issues to consider include:

Criminal Activity— Pain, loneliness and despair can lead to problems with drugs, sex and alcohol. In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some AS and HFA teens fall into the wrong high school crowds. Adolescents who abuse substances will use the AS or HFA teen’s naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group. If cornered by a police officer, a teenager on the autism spectrum usually does not have the skill to answer the officer’s questions appropriately. For example, if the officer says, “Do you know how fast you were driving?” a teenager on the spectrum may reply bluntly, “Yes,” and thus appears to be a smart-aleck.

Depression and Acting Out— The teenage years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that an AS or HFA adolescent becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. Boys often act up by physically attacking a teacher or peer. They may experience “melt down” at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns, as the adolescent now has access to cars, drugs and alcohol. The “saddest and most difficult time” can overwhelm not only the AS or HFA adolescent, but also his family.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Inability to “Be an Adolescent”— An AS or HFA teen typically does not care about adolescent fads and clothing styles - concerns that obsess everyone else in their peer group. These teens may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years. Boys forget to shave; girls don't comb their hair or follow fashion. Some remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies such as unicorns and Legos, instead of moving into adolescent concerns like Facebook and dating. Boys on the autism spectrum often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.

School Failures— Many AS and HFA teens with their average to above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The AS or HFA student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations. AS and HFA teens with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials face similar academic problems as students with Attention Deficit Disorder. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the AS or HFA teen how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on the adolescent can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.

Sexual Issues— Adolescents on the spectrum are not privy to street knowledge of sex and dating behaviors that other adolescents pick up naturally. This leaves them naive and clueless about sex. Boys can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An AS or HFA adolescent may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape.

Social Isolation— In the teenage world where everyone feels insecure, adolescents that appear different are voted off the island. AS and HFA teens often have odd mannerisms. One adolescent talks in a loud un-modulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many are too anxious to initiate social contact. Many \ adolescents on the spectrum are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teenage popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an AS or HFA teenager, even though she wants it more than anything else. One girl ended a close friendship with this note: “Your expectations exhaust me. The phone calls, the girl talks, all your feelings...it's just too much for me. I can't take it anymore.”




How Moms and Dads Can Help Adolescents with Asperger’s and High Functioning Autism—

Moms and dads of adolescents on the autism spectrum face many problems that others moms and dads do not. Time is running out for teaching their “special needs” teenager how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, “There's so little time, and so much left to do.” They face issues such as vocational training, teaching independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their child, if necessary.

Meanwhile, their immature teen is often indifferent or even hostile to these concerns. Once an AS or HFA child enters the teen years, his mom and dad have to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all teenagers, he is harder to control and less likely to listen to his moms and dads. He may be tired of parents nagging him to look people in their eyes, brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Here are some ways that moms and dads of adolescents with AS and HFA deal with common issues:

Appearance— Because of their sensitivity to textures, AS and HFA teens often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms and dads is to find an adolescent of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person help you choose clothes that will enable your child to blend in with other adolescents. Insist that your adolescent practices good hygiene every day.

Driving— Most AS and HFA teens can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter - a trait that helps in driving. However, they may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your child carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains AS and HFA. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

Drugs and Alcohol— Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your child’s prescriptions, so you have to teach your child about these dangers. Since most AS and HFA teens are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

Life after High School— If your adolescent is college-bound, you have to prepare her for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show her where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach her how to handle everyday problems such as “Where do you buy deodorant?” “What if you oversleep and miss a class?” As you prepare your adolescent for the workforce, keep in mind that people with AS and HFA often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, these young people are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

School— If the pressure on your child to conform is too great, if she faces constant harassment and rejection, if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, it may be time to find another school. The adolescent years are often when many moms and dads decide it is in their child’s best interest to enter special education or a therapeutic boarding school. In a boarding school, professionals guide your child academically and socially on a twenty-four-hour basis. They do not allow boys to isolate themselves with video games - everyone has to participate in social activities. A counseling staff helps with college placements. If you decide to work within a public-school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your child should have an Individual Education Plan and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for college board examinations. Teach your child to find a “safe place” at school where he can share emotions with a trusted professional. The safe place may be the offices of school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

Sex— You absolutely have to teach your “special needs” adolescent about sex. You will not be able to “talk around” the issue: you will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your child to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your child may need remedial “sex education.” For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors and masturbate only in private.

Social Life— When she was little, you could arrange play dates for her. Now you have to teach her how to initiate contact with others. Teach her how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage her to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell her peers that she has a disorder - let her do that herself. Many adolescents on the autism spectrum are enjoying each other's company through Internet chat rooms, forums and message boards.

Summer and Part-Time Jobs— Most of these jobs - movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc. - involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for an adolescent with the disorder. Some AS and HFA teens can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other adolescents have spent joyful summers at camps designed for adolescents like them.
By

Helping Your Irrational Child on the Autism Spectrum to Be More Rational

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Children with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism, are known to misinterpret other people’s feelings, motives, behaviors, etc. “Cognitive restructuring” is a fancy term that simply means helping these young people to correct their distorted conceptualizations and dysfunctional beliefs. The process, which parents can implement, involves challenging their current thinking with logical evidence and ensuring the rationalization and cognitive control of their emotions.

The first stage is to establish the evidence for a particular belief. Kids on the autism spectrum can make false assumptions of their circumstances and the intentions of others. They have a tendency to make a literal interpretation (e.g., a casual comment may be taken out of context or may be taken to the extreme).

For instance, a teenage male with ASD was once told his voice was “breaking.” He became extremely anxious that his voice was becoming faulty and decided to consciously alter the pitch of his voice to repair it. The result was an artificial falsetto voice that was incongruous in a young man.

In another case, an adolescent female with Asperger’s overheard a conversation at school that implied that girls MUST BE slim to be popular. She then achieved a dramatic weight loss in an attempt to be accepted by her peers.

We’re all vulnerable to distorted thoughts and beliefs, but children with autism are less able to put things in perspective, seek clarification, and consider alternative explanations or responses. Thus, it’s important for parents to encourage their child to be more flexible in his or her thinking and to seek clarification using questions or comments (e.g., “Are you kidding?” or “I'm puzzled about what you just said.”).

Such comments also can be used when misinterpreting someone's intentions (e.g., “Did you mean to do that?”) and to rescue the situation after the child has made an inappropriate response with a comment such as, “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to offended you,” or “My mistake. What should I have done?”

To explain a new perspective or to correct errors or assumptions, comic strip conversations can help the ASD child to determine the thoughts, beliefs, and intentions of the other person(s) in a given situation. This technique involves drawing an event or sequence of events in storyboard form with stick figures to represent each participant, and speech and thought bubbles to represent their words and thoughts.

You and your child can use an assortment of fibro-tipped colored pens, with each color representing an emotion. As you write in the speech or thought bubbles, the child’s choice of color indicates his or her perception of the emotion conveyed or intended. 
 
This can clarify the child’s interpretation of events and the rationale for his or her thoughts and response, and can also help to identify and correct any misperception and determine how alternative responses might affect others’ thoughts and feelings.
 
 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for September, October and November - 2018]

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==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

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Hello Mark, I just wanted to take the time to tell you how much your short, yet precise and to the point, your YouTube videos have helped me to get others to understand my 11 year old son. He has HFA and OCD and is basically a loner. It hurts my soul that he has never experienced a sleep over, invites to parties or having any friends in general. I believe that his (and countless others) complete oblivion as to how the world truly operates is both a curse and a gift. Anyway, I think you are an amazing person and I wanted to make certain that you are aware of how your videos help people to understand the misunderstood. May God bless you for your time here on earth and beyond!

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My son is a second child. He gave us some trouble growing up, like failed all his classes at once in 8th grade and 10th grade, stole money once to buy an airgun, was addicted to gaming and pornography. We worked very hard to keep him on the right track, using anything we could think of.

We thought he is over that as he started college. We had two uneventful years, except in second year he  placed swastika on someone's door and got on probation. He started getting really good grades, got to a professional athlete level in Karate and trained with the national team, with his father as his coach.

However, he fell in love for the first time last fall with the sister of his best friend, and wanted more freedom than we were willing to give due to his past misbehaviors, like going out all the time, staying out all night, etc. To fight us, with her support and guidance, he started creating the narrative of a victim, the imprisoned man with overbearing insufferable parents. When we saw him slipping in grades and behavior, we tried to redirect him, to argue, to reason, to isolate. Nothing worked.

He run away on 2/6/2018 taking many valuable items with him. His girlfriend took him to her church where he claimed we would kill him if he is not hidden or protected. He invented a story where he was an abused, starved child whose parents stole his identity and opened credit accounts in his name, including mortgage accounts. He accused us of abusing our minor children as well. He spread his victim story to anyone who would listen, including police and banks where he had his accounts. We were devastated.

He refused any contact with any member of the family or our friends, except his older sister until she refused to listen to his victim story calling him on his lies. Then he cut her off too. He found a graveyard shift job but quit within weeks. He sold all the items he took from home and blasted all of his money on hydroponic gardening toys. The church and his friends are paying for his bills and he has taken no financial responsibility for himself.

In July, after a lot of emotional messages sent to him from his mother, he agreed to talk to his sister and us, but only if we pay his bills. We agreed that we would, as long as he would communicate to us. He agreed to visit his sister. However, this lasted for only a week or two. Very quickly, his messages to us turned hateful, containing the same accusations that he spread to others. He lied, bullied, exaggerated and exonerated himself. He refused counseling of any sort. After a month of that, we gave up and stopped paying the bills. He stopped communicating to anyone again.

That is where we are now. I recognize that I should have been using your strategies much much earlier. Is all hope lost for this child now?

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Hi.  SO my 14 year old daughter has anxiety, low self esteem and now her therapist thinks she has ODD.  I've only met with her once on this so I know there is a ton to learn. I'm reading just about everything I can but have a question about homework, specifically. I do not want to post this on the FB page because of who can see it.

How do you help them with their attitude/effort towards school and homework?  As in, they think everything is stupid, they really don't read/work/study but just do what it takes to finish the homework without actually LEARNING.  Does that make sense? Like she refuses to actually READ the material and just skims it looking for main words to help answer questions over the material.

Although her grades are As and Bs it's not a pretty sight and as a whole, I feel like she's getting dumber each school year. Like although she's doing the works she's not being reached.

Thank you so much for reading this email.  I'm sure you get tons of questions so I absolutely understand if you can't respond.

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Hi Mark -
My name is Lynette Papp and I subscribed to your "My Asperger's Child," this year. I  found it extremely helpful particularly for my step-grandson who struggles with Asperger's.

I just wanted to let you know that Balboa Press (Australian Division of Hay House) has published my first book entitled "Being with Asperger's."  I have made reference to you and your website in a couple of places and I thought you might be interested in checking the book out. 

My long-term partner Walter, who died four years ago, had Asperger's syndrome and struggled to find a balance for many years until he discovered what the problem was.  The book began its incarnation three years ago and gradually came to fruition in early August this year.

The book is written in the form of a posthumous conversation interacting with cartoons, doodles and writing found in a diary which my partner called "Walter's Secret Diary." It was discovered amongst his papers in a wooden box in our attic.  Walter's cartoons are quirky and quite brilliant and some of the anecdotes are both humorous and sad.  The memoir represents a glimpse into Walter's Asperger's mind.  It also provides insights into how life was for me as his partner of thirty-four years and ways that we dealt with Walter's issues.

I hope you might read it.  At present, I am awaiting my author's bulk order but the book is already available both in paperback, kindle and e-Book on many websites including Amazon, Google and Balboa.

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I'm interested in purchasing your ebook, however, I do know that more than likely it will be only me that would read it.  My partner, although he is aware he's on the spectrum, probably will not.  My question would be, would this book be of any benefit just to me as the NT partner?

I realize each person on the spectrum is different and I'm more than sure that whatever someone has experienced in childhood or in early years, helps form how they are now. My partner is in his early 50's and had a rough childhood.  There are many times he's fine, but he is prone to meltdowns along with unreasonable outbursts that I'm never prepared for.  He always says he ponders things a long time before acting. 

The 90% that he's enjoyable to be around is worth my staying, but the other 10% I have huge difficulty living with.  I've been trying to read all that I possibly can on the subject, for it helps my sanity. 

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Hi Mark,

My name is Heidi and I'm the parent of Carson. An 11 year old with Asperger's. To give you some background, Carson has had several learning development issues. He was diagnosed with severe dyslexia, dysgraphia, fine motor skill delay of 4-5 years, gross motor delays of 4-5 years, and ADD. He has never been a child with any sort of ticks or obsessive compulsions (although recently he has started mouthing inaudible words after he finishes what he is saying. He has started doing this when he is upset). Rather he is very quiet and generally my child who was the happiest and never acted out (until recently). He was born 5 1/2 weeks premature but never spent a night in the NICU.

We did not realize Carson was on the autism spectrum until quite recently although last year the developmental MD he sees mentioned she suspected Asperger's. I've always known Carson was really smart, but saw an issue in the start of K5 (Carson was 6) when I was trying to play a game using letter sounds with he and his younger brother. When I brought it to the school's attention is when we were instructed to seek a specialist to diagnose Carson. That is when we learned of all of the issues with the learning delays, etc. We immediately sought therapy for all of the above. And, literally we were seeing a therapist every day for different conditions. At the beginning of first grade, his teacher stated that she couldn't teach Carson and that he should be in special ed.

This was at a very expensive private school. And, knowing how bright Carson was. I immediately withdrew both of my children. I started Oliver (Carson's younger brother) at a different private school who had an Orton Gillingham reading program (he was in K5), and I home schooled Carson during first grade and taught him to read, etc. I also had him see one on one a dyslexia therapist every day for an hour. We continued with fine/gross motor school therapy and ended up getting on prescriptions for ADD. The next year Carson could read considerably better than most of his peers. He has always been excellent in Math so that was not an issue.

I needed to get back to full time work (my husband and I own a small company). The new private school wanted Carson to repeat first grade. They were concerned with all of the other issues that he would feel more successful in first than second where the peer group was much more mature than they felt Carson was. We agreed knowing that it would later be difficult for Carson since that would be put he and Oliver in the same grade (not the same class). But, both boys would be in 1st grade. It was then that Shawn and I started noticing issues with social skills. He never had an interest as a young child to do what the other kids where doing. He played with other children as we had lots of play dates sometimes 2-3 times a week (at the time I was not working). But, he was always very passive and typically this with the same group of kids (mostly girls which he definitely prefers).

Since 1st grade, Carson is now in 4th. Carson has yet to develop a friend. He plays with other kids when they come over for Oliver, but he would rather be playing Fort Nite. Not realizing Carson had Asperger's or even what that was we've tended to be very hard on Carson for not wanting to socialize with other kids. This summer and past few months has been really bad for that. I do not let my kids have electronics during the week. We reserve it for only the weekend. But, if allowed Carson would play Fort Nite from the time he wakes up till the time he goes to sleep (I obviously don't allow this). But, lately getting him to do anything else is cause for a screaming match (way out of character for him).

He lies or exaggerates any interactions with other kids his age. For instance, at a recent luncheon with other kids in his class where they had board games. Oliver and a group of 2 other boys went into a corner to play a board game. Carson came back to my table where I was sitting with adults and asked for me to play Yahtzee with him. I explained that he needed to go into the corner and play with Oliver as they needed a fourth player. With tears in his eyes, he said no they are being mean to me. They don't want me over there. They hate me. Angry, I said Carson you haven't even tried. Go over there and try to play what they are playing. He walked over and stayed maybe 2 minutes came back and said that Oliver called him stupid. Again, starting to cry he refused to go back over. I played Yahtzee with him and later, spoke with Oliver. He honestly didn't know what Carson was even talking about.

Basically, I think he has given up on any friends at school. He will speak with boys about Fort Nite and they'll call for a couple of days over the weekend to play Fort Nite. But, for the most part, he's never had a real friend.

This school year has become especially stressful. Just getting him to do his homework is now a struggle (he's a straight A student). He just wants to watch TV from the moment he walks in the door. I've really tried to be hesitant about taking away Fort Nite during the couple of hours over the weekend since I realize it's the only thing he seems to enjoy. But, if this was Oliver screaming at me about homework the loss of Fort Nite would have been an immediate consequence. Of course, Oliver loves other things like fishing, bike riding, swimming, etc. Losing Fort Nite is not something he's thrilled about, but it's certainly not the end of the world. With Carson, it is.

During the week, the boys generally go to either karate or swim (this has been our schedule since Carson was 4). We mix in other activities that the boys "want" to do. For instance, Oliver also plays soccer and football. Carson wanted to play tag football so we signed him up. Every practice, every game is a constant battle. He doesn't want to run. He doesn't want to play. Basically, he sulks the entire game. It hasn't helped that they put Oliver on the same team as Carson this year. Carson definitely has set himself for failure when he tries to compare himself to Oliver.

Oliver his younger brother is pretty much better than Carson at everything! Swimming, soccer, making friends, and even school work. But, Carson has always been the "good" child. Never screaming, always coming home and doing his school work. Getting dressed in the morning, etc. I could always count on very little push back from Carson. He knew our routine and definitely thrived on it. He absolutely hates to do be punished or have me upset in any way. Oliver my other son who is always punished for one reason or the next because he's yelled/screamed at one of us or, maybe he pushed his baby sister (Pippa is 3). But lately or since school started back for us, Carson has been coming home from school extremely sad/depressed or angry. He explodes screaming at me with the just the slightest questions like 'hey please don't turn on the tv until you've completed your homework'.

Yesterday, it was. Get dressed we've got to get ready for your football game. He didn't yell about the football game, but rather he cried. Dad is going to scream at me because I"m not going to do anything good. This is not true at all. His Dad has a very passive personality and does yell at him (but, not for football). When he got home, I said well how did you do. And, he said I don't know just ask Dad he knows. Shawn later told me he didn't put ANY effort in the game at all. He walked down the field while the other kids ran.

Last night, he asked me if he could be home schooled again.  I asked specifically if he felt left out at school? Are any kids being mean? Do you like your teacher (he said yes to this one)? Is it stressful for you being in a large group when you've been in a small group last year? Do you find the school work overwhelming? Is it stressful having a new teacher when last year you already knew Ms. Tori? The answer to all of those questions were just no or some variation. He sees a therapist at his school, but I think it's only a few minutes per week. This was her comments to me when I emailed her last night:

"I have been seeing Carson each week. I did not see him Monday because I believe he was tardy.  (I called for him, and he wasn't here yet.).  I have not seen a change with Carson as far as his interactions with me and his affect.  However, as we have talked before it is really a challenge to get Carson to express his thoughts and feelings.  He often responds with one word answers, and says what he thinks I want to hear or what he thinks he should say.  He has a lot of trouble considering other people's feelings or perspectives.  We continue to work on this, but it is definitely a struggle. Because he has a hard time expressing himself, you may be getting the "explosion" when he gets home.  Sometimes kids hold it together and regulate themselves all day, but then once they get home they lose it.  When he said he wanted to be homeschooled, could he tell you why?  I might revisit this, and see if he can give you any explanation."

My understanding is that there are no real resources for kids like Carson in Jackson, Mississippi as far as social groups, etc. Most of them focus on kids who have extreme behavior issues like head banging or slamming things, etc. Most people don't have a clue that Carson is Asperger's and think I'm actually making this up. He is really high functioning.

I need help! I've called his developmental MD to see if she has a counseling recommendation, but right now, Shawn and I are at a loss on how to help Carson succeed. My worst fear is that he becomes seriously depressed. Carson was the happiest child in the world. Always in his own world, but really really happy. If I need to take him out of school then we will. We are willing to do anything to help Carson. I just don't know how.

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I’ve been hearing your audios in the web and I wonder if you can give some advise on my particular situation. I’m currently in a relationship with a woman that I believe is facing AS, that deduction arises from her behavior (Lack of emotions; obsessions with her work, order of things and cleaning; routines; sensory issues, extremely self interest; very extreme difficulties to express her emotions). In addition her son who is 24 years old and living in same house, was AS or autism diagnosed.

After my believing that she is as well in the spectrum, I already invite her to consult a specialist, however her reaction was to deny a possible consultation by saying that she already went to one specialist many years ago and any mind disorder or disfunction was diagnosed, nevertheless observing her daily behavior she seems to meet the particular conditions of AS.

I kindly request your advise on how to proceed with her and lead her to be aware that she is probably facing the appearing of AS common issues, so I might convince her to see a specialist.

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After having separated from my husband after 30 yrs, including 4 years of his newly found sobriety , my daughter whom is an educator hinted that I should read up and research this topic. A year ago, I informed my husband to discuss this with his " anger management" therapist who by the way believes my husband is on the spectrum, but has told my husband he will not let him use the disorder as an excuse, which will him help. I am committed to using your information to help open dialouge with my husband so that we can salvage some relationship for the sake of our daughters 28 & 23 years old. I have also been helping my older daughter deal with her emotions and have always challenged my daughters to find respectable outlets for any anger issues.

From one who is also in the field of education and social service and in co dependent recoveryI applaud you for writing so well.

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Hello Mr Hutten,
A counselor recommended your my-out-of-control-teen to me and I have found this very helpful.
I hope you would be able to help me on the below issues.

Short history
I have a 14 year old daughter [adopted from a traumatized country at 4yrs 10 months].
Extremely hyperactive and excitable since childhood. But also compassionate towards her orphanage kids; sick people, the homeless and helps out at our local gospel mission and animal shelter with good commendations. Has been subject to physical and verbal bullying in Grades 2,3 and 7 needing school changes.

About 2 years back there was a chain of events including changes in grandma's health; change in neighbors from a christian family to a 'live life full' family, and severe problems at a friends older sister.
My daughter responded with anger; distress; suicidal ideation [at being made to stay away from troubled home] followed by acting out in school in Grade 8 [i was told depressed teens act out].
She did make good friends at her new Grade 8 school, active in sports [Volleyball and then Track], music, math honors, volunteering and goes to a church youth group.
In the latter half of Grade 8- she was diagnosed with ADHD [with lack of impulse control] by her pediatrician and did well on Concerta. Behaviour settled.

I am a physician and have spoken to her both from a spiritual standpoint; from responsibility to less fortunate kids and from the scientific standpoint on the negative effects of Etoh/ cannabis [which is going to be legalized soon in our province]/ vaping/drugs/ early immature sexual activity.

After Grade 9- there is an automatic change to high school [Grade 10-12].
At this summer time her pediatrician requested a holding off on Concerta -  to give her a break and see how she does. The plan was to restart in the new school year.
While she did well in sports and volunteering over summer- towards the last weeks, it came to my attention that she was indulging in unwanted teen behaviour.
because of this- she lost several privileges [both at sports] and at home- cell phone and vacation travel. [cell phone will be earned back early October if good behaviour continues]

I do hope that she realizes the consequences.
She continues with some of her old good friends, Track, music, youth club at church and attends school [started Sept 4th] regularly and gets ready in time.
I do have wifi-control at home now beyond 9:30 pm or 11 pm [depending on day]

I do feel that once she gets her cell phone back [we will discuss guidelines before this] that she will start stretching her hang-outs and activities.

My Concerns and questions
How do I have her stay away from negative peer groups [she seeks endless friendships with all types]and negative social media stuff?
How do I prevent further suicidal approaches by her?
How do I respond if at further events should she be suicidal?
How can I get her to take her Vitamins and Concerta [she has stopped these since having her cell phone taken away.]
How can I help her get her school grades up again ?
[she has always been an A to C student; upgraded to A and B mostly- in Grade 9] [ now did well in short math quizzes scoring over 100%- but in full class math honors test - got an F;] [in socials which is her least fave- got good scores in small quizzes but just a Pass in class test]

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Hi Mark,

I am guilty of not trying to know more about Aspergers the stressors, triggers and her emotional being at all those times. It was also so stressful for me as well as overwhelming because I did not know how to manage my daughter or even help her. I had my family members asking me why was she so defiant in certain situations and that I did not discipline my daughter accordingly. Coming from an overbearing Asian family that is very free with so-called advice is tough.  Being a first-time mom who was trying to do right, many times I had failed my daughter by not wanting to find out more about her diagnosis.

Only last year when she was bullied and I noticed stark changes in my daughter's behavior that I realized that this was something bigger what I had previously understood. Thus, I was really blessed when I came across an experienced clinical psychologist that had experience with Aspie girls back in the USA. I owe her my sanity and my daughter's path to managing her anxiety and all her challenges. I have attached my daughter's Mind Map, an exercise that was done by Dr. Julia Goolsby, her therapist.  This was done by Asie in her first class. Truth be told it was very depressing to me to think my daughter thought of herself. I also recognize some of the words used was words that her grandma has used on her. Since Dr. Julia managed to teach Asie breathing exercises to calm herself down as well as many other concepts like empathy, the concept of taking turns, sharing, how to play in a group, personal space and types of different touch by other people. I am hoping that this current therapist will be able to teach her about puberty and more about her body and eventually the reproductive system, sex and how to protect herself. Malaysian schools do not do this properly. 

Asie totally loved the Disney movie Inside Out. In that cartoon movie, the concept of trying and attempting at least once was something that was discussed in the show and because she loved this movie. I use the concept in the movie, her love of Pokemon and now she is fixating on a particular type of Japanese dog breed (Shiba Inu). She has let me know that she wants to learn Japanese and want to visit Japan soon. She knows that the creator of Pokemon has Aspergers as well and she sort of connects with this. She refuses to wear dresses unless she really has to for some traditional and cultural occasions even then she tries as much as possible to try and get away from doing so. She does not want to be known as a girly girl. Goes for a class where she is thought woodwork and engineering and is the only girl in the class, opted for Drum lessons instead of Piano, hates pink but loves art and clay work and is pretty good and artistic as well. I am going to try and follow the steps that you have suggested and let you know how it goes.

Until my next issue, which definitely will be how I tell her about her father and when.  My story is rather complicated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please pardon me for taking the audacity to write to you.  I'm a 64-year-old female who suddenly had an epiphany after my employer noticed my lack of social skill after repeated complaints from others at my workplace.  Previous to this, I remember receiving a report from 23andme about 4-5 years ago showing a graph of autism spectrum disorder, and my autism category was located on the far left corner of the graph under Aspergers.  At the time I didn't know what aspergers was and thought I was just slightly autistic.  I've contacted 23andme to send me again the graph, but now it looks like they've purged their files due to some restrictions from the government.  Is there someone you know here in the Bay Area who might be able to help me whether I'm autistic, or is the genetic report sufficient for me to accept that I am an aspie? Thank you so much for your help.  I've read your articles and find them very helpful in giving me insight into myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear M.A. Mark Hutten,

I am an Aspie. I realize that coexisting with me can be a real challenge (I already went through a divorce) and now, as I am in a new relationship, the complaints regarding my behavior are being repeated. I signed up for the social skills training but I am afraid that it does not concern some key issues that make our relationship hard for my partner. Can you tell me if your book could help me in this situation, or is it only a solution for my partner? Is there some other source that you could recommend for me?

Daily interactions with people really exhaust me. Additionally dealing with the same complains that I cannot even fully understand is very hard. I would be grateful for any help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have a 26 year old son who, although living in a self contained suite above our garage and paying rent, is not finding his way to employment and self sufficency.

He was raised as a NT and only was DX 2 years ago.   He moved out when he was 20 and went through hell (and told us NOTHING)  After the second home invasion where he got beat up, we brought him home.

We have worked hard to help him feel safe, get out of defense mode and calm down.  That  has been somewhat successful.

However he has had some bad service providers who have not taken the time to know him and headed him down dead end paths as far as employment is concerned.  So he is still trying to work with a (new) service provider to find employment.

He plays video game and smokes pot to cope with the anxiety and boredom.

Dad and I are retired , we have some financial resources but not alot. 

Dad started a garden this year just to get him out of the house and into doing something, which is having some positive effect, when there isn't tension or a blow up between him and his dad.  Dad also is ASD.

Son is so frustrated with the 'system' that promises to help and doesn't.   He has behaviors that affect his sociability (loud, opinionated)  We are working on getting him to be easier to be around.   He is coming along very slowly.

He also has ADHD, developmental delayed and a possible hypoxia brain injury from birth.

He is capable of working and wants to work but the world is not a friendly or even safe place for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark,

I just read your article "Parents with Aspergers Syndrome" on the Neurotypical site, and wanted to say thank you for writing that.

I completed a Bachelor of Psychology (2014), and have since studied a few counselling subjects, as well as Mindfulness and Hypnosis.

Part of my journey has been to try and find out what is wrong with me. I'm 58 years and have had a lifetime of low self-esteem, and am very sensitive to rejection. 

In the past month my research has taken me to Aspergers and how it is a condition that has been missed in women. After reading about it I am certain this is what my mother suffered from, and gives me an explanation for why I never felt loved by her. Also, why her comments at times were incredibly hurtful, and how she could be totally oblivious to the hurt I felt. If I could describe my childhood it would be where I had to walk on eggshells to avoid creating a anger outburst from her, where my feelings were never considered, and where I was not encouraged in anyway by my mother. She was in the era of the state at home mother, so some of that lack of encourage was cultural I would think. My adult life with her has mainly been one where she has abused me, but mostly she has chosen not to speak to me or other members of her family. She is 80 now, and I have considered getting back in touch with her to check that she has what she needs. Having a better understanding of what her condition is tells me that should I get in touch with her not expect any warmth.

I am a mother myself of a beautiful 15 year old girl. Having had a mother like mine presents me with parenting challenges, in that I did not have the modelling. I try my best. Hopefully, my daughter will feel the love that I didn't, and will know she is valuable.

In the meantime, I am still trying to find ways to increase my self-esteem, and wonder if having not received that attunement growing up whether it is possible. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My 14 year old son has been put in the middle of a custody battle that his 
father has started. He and his father have more in common so he tends to 
gravitate more towards him. However, he has begun to be defiant, rude, 
argumentative, belligerent, etc. towards me.  If he does not get what he 
wants he starts to argue with me and winds up embellishing/exaggerating the 
facts. Unfortunately, his father has told my son that I am a liar and has 
put him in the position of making a choice, which I believe is destructive 
(we have joint custody and have had that arrangement for 5 years). My son 
sees a therapist weekly and I meet with him as well.  My son's behavior is 
getting worse and I don't know how to deal with it.  Everything you 
mentioned above (walking on eggshells, etc.) I have experienced.  The sweet 
loving little boy that I raised has become someone else (cold, distant, 
nasty, hurtful), and I am heartbroken.  I don't know how much is Aspergers 
and how much is him being a typical teenager.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thank you mark.  I was actually on page 33 of 69 of your ebook when this email came through. I am reading it all first and then plan to go back and start the process from the beginning.   You are correct (in your video in session #1) , I am at the helpless hopeless stage.  We have a 16 yr old son with Aspergers' and he is doing his schooling online with the Centre for Distance Learning (www.cdli.ca) here in Newfoundland, Canada.  In fact,  I am a math teacher with CDLI. My son has no motivation to do anything and the start to this school year has been very difficult.  My son is totally isolated from any peers and its so painful to witness.  We have a psychiatrist  for my son who has said she can do nothing for us.  My wife and I are at odds now and and  things in general are not well.  I am hoping this will give us a framework.  But we are at the end of our rope.  But we intend to invest in your approach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m looking to see if you have a quick tip guide to help me right the track of my relationship, that seems to be finding its way to a breakup, while I read the book. The love for one another in this relationship is extremely strong however it’s the day to day challenges that separate us the most.

I want this relationship to work, I know deep down she does too. She recently gave me a book called Understand Asperger’s- I’ll be reading it as well.

Back story:
My gf, Kayla, has Asperger’s, we moved in with each other around 1 1/2 month ago and as of right now we have many symptoms of what you spoke of in the tutorial. We went to the same high school growing up, she took me to my senior prom, to be honest it was a magical night. In all reality, our relationship didn’t blossom there as I was a senior and graduating. I didn’t pursue the relationship due to an agreement I had with my parents regarding No GF, we’ll buy you a car. Away from that we started talking early 2018 again, something fierce was building. In July, we saw one another for the first time in 15 years, It was love at first sight for me and I could almost say it was for her as well, but I’m not going to put those words in her mouth. We started dating and the universe seemed to align everything for me to relocate and be with Kayla. August 31st 2018, I moved in with Kayla. My whole life came with me, my dogs and several items from my previous house. I was so excited and happy that I really never paid attention to the impact that all these changes had on Kayla and have impacted our relationship. As of this moment, we struggle with the day to day communication and personal space that Kayla needs. We also might have a surprise pregnancy that has added to the struggles of our day. It pains me to know that she doesn’t want to have this child, if in fact we are pregnant, with me due to the short comings of not understanding Asperger’s or Kayla to a full extent. It’s easy to say we rushed into this relationship, we were engaged after a beautiful drunken night of guitar hero and my beautiful gf. As of right now, our struggles have pushed Kayla to request that I move to my own place, I can’t confirm if our relationship will continue or not. I want to fix and work on being a better partner for Kayla, hoping that I do not have to move out and that we can make progress, grow, and have a healthy relationship. I would love to be a father, and at one point in our relationship we wanted to have 2 boys.

I’m sorry for the bunny trail story, I’m tearfully writing this because this is me wanting to save the relationship that God and the Universe put on our plate, it’s so fierce and has so much love, it’s absolutely beautiful.

Kayla is tagged on this email as well, I’d love for her to see and understand how important she is to me and how much I’m willing to work at understanding her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark,

I'm seeking some help, possibly parent management training and therapy for my son and I.  Here's the situation: my 9-year old son was diagnosed several years ago as having Asperger's Syndrome/being high functioning on the mild side of Autism Spectrum disorders (ASD), with ADHD (hyperactivity and inattention) and ODD as co-morbidities.

Developmentally, he hit all of his early year milestones early or on schedule (crawling, walking, talking, learning to read, etc.). He's also been tested as having a higher IQ (around 125 - 136 on the standard Wexler scale), and doesn't appear to have learning disabilities. He can be extremely sensitive to sound (sensory issues), at times, he gets migraines, and has some fine motor coordination issues (especially around writing, and he has not yet learned to tie shoe laces).

He has had a lot of difficulty with organization, breaking down steps to complete a task (executive function), appropriate behavior and understanding social context, social cues and others' social intentions.

He sometimes has had difficulty with asking for basic needs as well, such as asking for a drink of water when he's thirsty, or following basic rules such as remembering to raise his hand and ask for permission to leave the classroom to use the restroom at school. As well as some hygiene issues, especially related to toileting.

Rarely, my child has also had difficulties with his vision, such as temporary, random changes in color vision where greens and yellows suddenly appear brown and vice versa, but only for a short period of time.

He also sometimes has issues with short term memory loss, when for example, he has an aggressive rage outburst (that currently people think are ASD melt-downs/tantrums), where he doesn't remember any of the incident afterwards. He has also remembered things that didn't happen according to other people that were there and directly observed the same incidents, including myself and school staff, though this false memory situation has only occurred twice to my knowledge throughout his entire lifetime.

I should also mention that his birth process was long and complicated, so I'm also looking into exploring the possibility of imaging his brain to ensure there is no brain damage related to birth trauma, or anything else that we may have missed.

Oh and I've also observed him having years of issues with vivid nightmares when he was younger, and sudden intense fear for no apparent reason, which I think may be anxiety? Thus, I'm starting to become concerned that more so than just ASD/ADHD/ODD, these other issues I mentioned above may be related to some other issues, which I understand children with ASD can be prone to.

Please let me know what, if any other information you may require so we could discuss therapeutic options. Please provide me with a list of pricing for online parent management training, family therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy for my son, and any other options you may provide that you think would be helpful as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark,

I read your "Parents with Asperger's, The Asperger's compressive handbook" and appreciate your insight and concern for child welfare with a HFA parent.

I am in a horrible situation with my ex and we have a 2 year old child. I was able to get out of our abusive relationship(have protection order) and recieved custody of our child, yet he has visitation. We have attorneys involved and my ex is court ordered to do 1 year Domestic Violence program and we just recieved his mental evualation stating he has HFA level 1, anxiety disorder, and ADD. The evaluator stated his diagonosis should not effect his ability to parent and should not effect his visitation. I know and have experienced the effects of his HFA, abuse, rage, and manupliation and need help advocating for my child in court and wonder if you can help or know anyone who can?

All of the points you touched on in your handbook are concerns I have and I fear for my childs safety not only physical, but emotional and mental. Do you have any material, studies, research, or a letter that I could present to the court to educate them about the reality of the developmental effects an HFA parent has on a 2 year old.

Thanks for your time! I do not know where to turn, locally there seems to be little understanding, resources, and support for court relating to HFA parent/Child relationship.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Mark

I have a question about my 9 year old with Aspergers.
His school told me that since the beginning of the school year in September he runs off the playground when really upset and tries to run into the school or off of school property.  It is hard for him to go out for recess anyways because playing with other kids is really hard and he’d rather be by himself.  Teachers and his aide try to help him play with kids outside- sometimes this a successful but other times not especially when the teacher or an aide is not available.  I know he wants friends and has a couple ok relationships but often at recess they are engaging in activities he doesn’t want to do.  Like sports for instance.
He attends a progressive, private school so there are no consequences in place so to speak of for this behavior.  The school is turning to me for answers as this behavior is a safety risk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning, I am considering purchasing your program because both my husband and I are at our wits’ ends of how to handle our 13 year old.  We are in the “depression” stage.  Last year our son won the respect reward at school and made straight A’s.  This year, he had a fall out with a girl, sunk into a deep depression, and had to be committed to the hospital for a week for suicide ideology.  Since then (and showing signs before the fall out with the girl) he has been rebellious, reckless, defiant, apathetic about school, and mean.  We are afraid to set too many boundaries or push him because we know that a lot of this stems from depression and anxiety and we fear for his life.  Yet now he walks all over us! Would your tactics help an out of control teen with the suicidal thoughts?  Thank you for your consideration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Mark,
Hope you don't mind me writing to you. I found your myaspergersteen page 
after researching some (lack of empathy) trates that my daughter has been 
showing. She's 13 now and has recently been exhibiting increasingly 
difficult behavior. She has very little empathy for my wife and I and her 
younger sister. At school she has always done really well, been ultra 
independent but has recently started to act very disinterested and just do 
the bare minimum. Her general behavior when out of the house is usually 
good although she can be very socially awkward when with us. During 
arguments or rages she f's and blinds at us and has punched me in the face. 
Even when fairly calm she tells us she doesn't like us and she wants to 
live somewhere else. Yet all her primary school teachers described her as a 
model pupil. She has shown some anxious traits when growing up and had a 
period around the age of 7 or 8 where she'd pull out all her eyebrows and 
some patches of hair on her head. Do you think we are dealing with a 
hormonal teenager or do you think she could be showing some signs of being 
HFA. Thanks for your time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son is 13,  5'10, 190 pds and aggressive.  He has impulse control issues, inappropriate touching of me and his sister. I'm afraid I'll hurt him or wind up sending him away because if he doesn't stop and continues to hit,  poke or grab,  I cannot handle him.  He's a gifted,  smart,  kind,  considerate,  compassionate child sometimes,  but with the ADHD,  he's driving me crazy.  I'm trying to get him into ABA therapy e.t.c but it's expensive and I'm exhausted from filling out grants and scholarships to get assistance so he can get the help he needs.  What advice do you have for me?
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